11 December 2009

*Fuck the USDA, Part Zwei

In our last installment of this exciting feature, I covered the foundation of the C&P diet, meat, followed by the venerable and ubiquitous, irreplaceable protein supplements that are meat's constant companion. I will now attempt to knock out the rest of the pyramid, time permitting.

Eat them. I don't fucking care if you don't like them- that's completely immaterial. The Brassica family(Broccoli, kale, mustards, brussel sprouts, bok choi, and cauliflower, etc) are the kings of veggies, due to the fact that they're anti-estrogenic (the chemicals produced when indole-3-carbinol reacts with stomach acid are the ones responsible for the anti-estrogen), anti-cancer, fiber-rich, and protein-rich badasses of the veggie family. If there's such a thing as a manly vegetable goup, that's it. Cucumber is a good idea if you suffer from acid reflux, as it alkalizes your system and is a superfood in the eyes of Henry Bieler M.D., author of Food is Your Best Medicine. Other than that, you really can't go wrong with vegetables, but the Brassica family, in all of it's estrogen-battling glory, should be the mainstay of your diet. As I've stated before, fiber is a BIG hole in the diets of most people, and our RDA of fiber is still one fifth of that of Paleolithic people, so the Brassica family makes great strides in closing that gap, since half of the carbs in most of the members of that family are fiber. I don't know about you, but shitting is one of the highlights of my day, so I'm all about my fiber.

You'll note a corresponding lack of fruit in my diet. I'm not really anti-fruit. I love blueberries in particular, but I don't eat much in the way of them. Nutritionally, berries are the best of the bunch, but they're still high in sugar. I've recently been questioned about my "hatred for fruit", and my insistence that fruit could potentially derail fat loss efforts have been met with incredulity, but there's science backing this contention.
"Research from the National Institute on Aging (NIA) in Baltimore, Maryland, shows fructose is more lipogenic (fat forming) than any other sugar or starch. It also causes greater elevations in blood fats (triglycerides and cholesterol) than other carbohydrates. Excess fructose consumption has resulted in increases in blood pressure, uric acid, and lactic acid. Research shows that those suffering from high blood pressure, high insulin, high triglycerides, non insulin-dependent diabetes, and postmenopausal women are more susceptible to the negative affects of fructose than other individuals. "
See, fuckers? In addition to berries, if you absolutely must eat fruit, make it non-tropical fruit like apples, unless it's enzymatically rich fruit that accompanies a heavy protein meal, like papaya or pineapple.

Stimulants and Testosterone Boosters:

I love them. You should, too. Stimulants have been shown, definitively, to improve sports performance, mental focus, and energy levels. Additionally, they cause your body to release noradrenaline, which stimulates the receptors in your fat cells to metabolize all of that nasty fat that's the result of late night beer and pizza smorgasbords(three hour cheat windows notwithstanding).

The use of caffeine to improve sports performance may date as far back as the initial consumption of berries containing methylxanthines. Many studies have been conducted supporting caffeine's use in sport, and bodybuilding.com offered this little nugget, as I am nowhere near my notecards containing my research and want to knock this blog the fuck out today:
A recent review published by the International Coffee Organization states that caffeine at levels found in one cup of coffee which is usually around 150 grams of caffeine may be able to both reduce the sensation of fatigue as well as enhance exercise performance.
The most recent review (Doherty and Smith 2004) looked at 39 published studies. Of these, involved endurance exercise, some used short duration and high-intensity exercise and the other remaining used a graded exercise test.
Including all the data, caffeine improved performance by 12.4%, relative to the placebo trials. This was shown to greatest effect in those who undertook exercise for a longer duration at any one time.(1)

Caffeine and other stimulants have also been used for centuries to improve mental acuity. Though you might think that the use of No-Doz to kick the fuck out of your physics final is a relatively new phenomenon, it is in fact as old as the hills. In fact, caffeine's been used since the Stone Age, and a 1916 lawsuit, The United States v. Forty Barrels and Twenty Kegs of Coca-Cola claimed that the excessive caffeine in Coke at a college for chicks turned them into "wild nocturnal freaks, [and led to] violations of college rules and female proprieties, and even immoralities." Yes, caffeine is the tits. Studies have shown that in vitro application of caffeine to rat neurons led to 33% growth in their dendratic spines and the formation of new spines as well, though this growth only lasted two hours. Caffeine has also been definitively shown to increase activity in the frontal lobe and the anterior cingulate cortex, which improves both short term memory and attention span. Thus, you should include caffeine, at the very least, in your daily supplement regime. Added to ephedrine, aspirin, and yohimbe, as I detailed here, it's a fat-annihilating vortex of thermogenic awesomeness that makes Lipo-6 look like a jelly donut from Krispy Kreme by comparison.

Simply adorable.

Test Boosters:
If there's one thing that the world needs more of at this point, it's testosterone. Well, testosterone and dogs. There could stand to be more dogs as well, since dogs fucking rule as much or more than testosterone. In any event, with the cornucopia of phyto- and xenoestrogens to which we're constantly exposed, the world is seeing a spate of slutty little girls with tits, fat men with tits, small cocks, and generally a display of pussiness never before withnessed in the world outside of a eunuch convention. Actually, fuck that- I can think of one or two historical eunuchs (Gang Bing and Narses imediately spring to mind) who were more of a man than metrosexual fucktards like our favorite plagiarizer, Nate Green.

Asians and their soy. Will they never learn?

In any event, test boosters of one form or another are a good idea- they'll help you drop fat, gain muscle, and fuck like a porn star. There are essentially three ways to go about this, which I've detailed at length in past blogs, here and here. You can boost test with LH-enhancing shit like tribulus terrestris and longjack, or replace it with prohormones/designer steroids/steroids. It's up to you which one you do, just make sure you do one or the other, and follow my suggestions for using environmental triggers to jack up your T as well. If you're going to go the prohormone/designer steroid route, I highly recommend the following:
  • Methyl Mass/Propadrol- This will lean you out and give you massive, raging, cervix-destroying hardons.
  • Rage RV5- Superdrol by another name
  • Spawn- Apparently the sustanon of methylated prohormones. Death to your liver, but you'll get your swole on
  • Finaflex- To my understanding, this is Superdrol mixed with Tren. Say goodbye liver, hello big fucking squat!
* Of these, my knowledge of all but Methyl Mass is anecdotal. I've only tried that, but I know a lot of big, strong guys on the others. As with all prohormones, double the recommended dose for the best results.

You can get all or some of those at Nutrition Warehouse in Columbia, SC, or online here. If you happen to go in there, pick Spud's brain about training and diet- he's the fucking man when it comes to powerlifting (WPO world record holder in the squat) and bodybuilding.

Spud will eat your children.

In my opinion, there's one multi on the planet you should take: Animal Pak. It megadoses the shit out of everything you need, throws in a bunch of shit that's of dubious utility but couldn't hurt, and has helped me keep my antioxident levels in the "Holy Fuck, you just broke my antioxidant reader" range during extended periods of ketosis. it is, in short, the bomb. If you're not feeling the price, get a cheaper multi that still megadoses your antioxidants, like the Vitamin Shoppe brand or GNC's Mega Man. The key to discerning whether or not it's a good vitamin is whether or not it smells badly enough to take paint off the walls. If it does, it's good stuff. If not, it's too tightly compressed to be digestible. You can also test them by dropping a tab or two into some Apple Cider Vinegar, which bears the same pH level as your stomach.

Some people might contend that the multi is unnecessary. Sure it is, if you've got the tightest, most complete diet of all time. The builders at Baalbek would have contended that one needn't use mortar to create lasting stone architecture as well. Well, my diet's macros are tight, but my micros are lacking, and the multi is the mortar that holds the who fucking thing altogether. I'm betting you're more like me than Paul Chek, so just buy some Animal Pak, then have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Part Drei of Fuck the USDA will be a lengthy rant about the other assorted nonsense sold in healthfood stores, some of which is useful, and some which is not. It'll be one angry fucking post, though, so strap on your jock and your hard hat for that one.

Nate Green's ready for it, obviously.

  1. Schultz, Curtis. "Want a Cup of Coffee? See What Coffee Can Do For Your Training!" http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/schultz71.htm


  1. When during your keto runs do you eat vegetables?

  2. I think I saw Jamie eat broccoli once ... by accident.

  3. I like broccoli when it's boiled in chicken broth- that's good stuff. When I'm eating paleo, I eat broccoli and cauliflower, but on keto, I avoid it.

  4. Recently i visited this blog and this is really very good one.

  5. Thanks for the link to "Nutrition Warehouse in Columbia, SC".

  6. Nah, man. I do short keto runs once or twice a week.

    Of course Spud. Keeping it real.

  7. Does the use of Methyl Mass require any special precautions? I've read conflicting reports on its ingredients.

  8. All of the studies I have read on tribulus terrestris suggest that is not "LH-enhancing shit", nor does it increase test levels. How about some in text citations/sources to back these claims.