*Hold the Fucking Phone- Behold the Alpha Male Challenge!

Oh my dear lord. I just finished this paean to weakness, and I have to say that I am viscerally shaken. My faith in humanity, what little was left, has been rent asunder, thrown into a sewer, and shit upon by albino rats the size of bull terriers. How could this be, though? Isn't this a book about Alpha Males? A call to arms for the last few ass-kicking, maidenhood-stealing, life-ruining, brigandage-loving, rough motherfuckers full of spit and vinegar to band together to wipe out the pseudo-males who currently surround us and confound our every effort to enjoy our lives?

Nope. It's a handbook for total pussies to follow so they can ape the real men, while refraining from actually engaging in any behavior Alpha males might enjoy. To wit, here's an actual bit of Q&A from the book:

"Q: Do I need to be an Alpha Male to start the program? A: Absolutely not."

Are you as shocked and horrified as I? You should be. As every rational person knows, one cannot be coached into becoming an alpha- it doesn't work. An alpha naturally leads. He naturally does what he fucking wants, and knocks the shit out of anything standing betwixt himself and the thing he wants, be it pussy or the contents of a bank vault. He doesn't require coaching reminiscent of "The Secret" to hope for what he wants, and he sure as shit doesn't use terms like "Alpha Empathy."

No amount of coaching is going to turn this poofter into Teddy Motherfucking Roosevelt.

This book, folks, is a tragedy of epic fucking proportions. Allow me to elucidate.

To begin, the book opens with a mealy-mouthed plea for men to stop being pussies, all the while giving a laundry list of excuses for why the "men" to whom they're appealing act like menopausal women. The authors, James Villepigue and Rick Collins, blame the stress of modern life for the paucity of testosterone running through the veins of American men, and offers them a "challenge" in the form of a "positive and empowering call to action." Sluts and motherfuckers, we are off to a shit-show of a start. They do, however, pause to give you a list of things you should not do if you want to keep your test levels up. They are as follows, with my parenthetical addendums:

• DO NOT MARRY (UNLESS YOU PLAN ON BEING A SWINGER). Test levels decline after marriage because the male is no longer competing for the attention of his mate. (pg 5)
  
• DON'T GET OLD OR FAT (UNLESS YOU'RE JACKING A SHITLOAD OF TEST). 1/3 of men over the age of 45 have clinically low testosterone levels, and the odds of low testosterone are 2.4 times higher in obese men. Additionally, test levels drop 1-2% a year after the age of 35, so you need to adjust your supplementation regimes accordingly. (pg 4)
  
• DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, HAVE (LEGITIMATE) CHILDREN. Physically active males average 8 hours of exercise a week (pussies). Those with children, however, average a paltry 3.5. (pg 3)
  
• DO NOT LIVE IN THIS CENTURY (UNLESS TRIBULUS IS A CORNERSTONE OF YOUR SUPPLEMENTATION REGIME). A study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism showed a progressive decline in testosterone levels in men since 1987, and another study shows a steady drop in semen quality since it began being studied in 1934. (pg 7)

After those tidbits, however, the shit-show begins in earnest. Collins, who's an expert in steroid litigation and legality, and Villepigue, who's an expert in posing with his arms crossed, then call violent, assertive bad boys "faux alpha males", and suggests that becoming an "Alpha" will allow you to "be a better person and a better citizen, a better father and husband, a better co-worker or a better boss, [and] a better caretaker of yourself and those around you." HOLY HORSESHIT, BATMAN! Let's list some legendary alpha males and their credentials, shall we?

• Teddy Roosevelt. Insanely pissed off and motivated, he organized his own private army to join the Spanish American War after being denied a commission in the US Army. After leading the Rough Riders on a variety of near-suicidal missions, Roosevelt went on to the White House, where he fought pro boxers and wrestlers in the White House, regularly went skinny dipping in the Potomac, and refused to enter our nation into any wars because he would not be allowed to participate while in office. He was shot while giving a speech, then helped beat the shit out of his would-be assassin and finished the speech before going to the hospital. After retiring from politics, he embarked upon a badass expedition in the Amazon that resulted in having a river named after him. Finally, he was an accomplished writer and reader, and was fluent in multiple languages. "Get action. Seize the moment. Man was never intended to become an oyster."
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Genghis Khan. Insanely bad man who, after being orphaned, went on to conquer an entire continent. Genghis established the first high-speed long distance postal service, organized an army on the decimal system for the first time, killed millions of people ever year, and sired just about as many- 8% of the people in Asia, 700 years after his death, bear his genes. Though most of his time was spent with the business of killing anyone within arm's reach and building pyramids with their heads, Genghis still found time to marry six women and utilize a massive harem, and is crediting with fathering at least HUNDREDS of children, if not thousands. "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Ulf Hreda. Hreda's a lesser-known, yet still epically awesome Alpha male well known in Ireland of the 11th Century for slaughtering legions of motherfuckers with a broadsword. Under High King Brian Boru, Ulf the Quarrelsome (best nickname ever!) led an army through Ireland, uniting it under one rule and stabbing anyone who said boo to him before they could draw their swords. Did he need to do much else? I think not. "Wolf the Quarrelsome cut open Brodir's belly, and led him round and round the trunk of a tree, and so wound all his entrails out of him, and he did not die before they were all drawn out of him. Brodir's warriors were slain to a man."

THESE ARE ALPHA MALES, by the traditional definition, which is: a male in a pack of wolves, or a similar pack or troop of animals, that other members submit to and follow and that takes priority in mating with females (according to Encarta). They are not, however, the touchy-feely douches detailed in the soiled pages of The Alpha Male Challenge. They don't "value emotional intelligence" and then call this hippie psychobabble claptrap "alpha empathy", as do Villepigue and Collins on page 48- they're too busy fucking broads in public thoroughfares and slapping the living piss out of anyone who has something to say about it.

Behold the face of empathy.

AMC devotes an entire chapter to developing the proper mindset to ape an Alpha Male. This chapter coaches lesser men into acting in a confident manner by adopting a feigned air of competence and presence, which they claim will garner them respect. What it will really get them, however, is mocked for their misplaced sense of conscience, because every real man in the room will see right through that carefully-crafted facade of courageousness, mental toughness (HAHAHAHAHAHA), and "having a conscience". Do you think Genghis Khan had a conscience? I highly fucking doubt it. He was too busy trying to figure out how to rip out a man's inner child so he could roast it over an open fire and leave the less tasty bits to his pet falcons.

And how would you determine your Alpha-ness? Why, a "Malescale", of course!

I could not make this shit up if I tried. The Malescale has its readers answer ten questions on a scale of 1-10. Questions like:

• "I am very good at looking at things from the viewpoint of other people"
• "I tried my hardest over the past week to help people in need without being rewarded or expecting something in return"
• "I can resist eating my favorite junk food even when others are eating it in front of me"

Serenity now.

Thereafter, they list 5 assessments of Alpha Architecture:

1. Flexed bicep measurement
2. Chest to waist differential
3. Vertical leap
4. Max bench vs body weight (because "there is no greater measure of male superiority in the gym than the bench press". Really? I'm guessing they're referring to Bally's, and you'd have to look long and fucking hard to find anything resembling an Alpha Male in a commercial fitness center, methinks.)
5. The 300 run (25 yd gassers in between two lines)

So, rather than judging one's self on the ability to fuck bitches and lead men, as per the Encarta definition, it's how to impress Cultfitters at the Crossfit Games, or oily douches who've never trained legs at Bally's. Fan-fucking-tastic.

The diet section begins un-shittily, enumerating the benefits of eating in a Paleolithic fashion. The wheels then fall off, as they suggest a macro ratio that smacks of the zone, and tell their betas that it's ok to eat fruit popsicles (what kind of fucking man eats popsicles? Do they think the Duke ate them? Chuck Bronson just couldn't wait for a fudgesicle after dinner? Sweet baby Jesus.), drink milk, and eat bread and oatmeal, all of which is distinctly un-paleo. Oh, and did I mention that they suggest that you have lots of fresh fruit on hand for making SMOOTHIES?

I wasn't even trying to find a picture of a Jonas brother with a smoothie. I just googled Jamba Juice.

The horror of this book will haunt me for the remainder of my days. But there's more- the actual workout. I'm sure, by this point, you know that it's going to be less manly than a threesome between Michael Jackson, Liberace, and Eddie Izzard, and you're right- out of 52 exercises they listed (nevermind their power tube alternatives), 28 are machine exercises, 7 are ab exercises, and only three are actual compound movements. None of the workouts utilize lower than 6 reps, and the vast majority utilize rep schemes between 10 and 15 reps. Hardly man-makers, this lot. Hardly muscle-makers, either. They do, however, suggest you do cool Alpha Attitude Drills, like their Altruism one, when you attempt to hone your altruistic side by doing good works.

Egoism is the antithesis of altruism.  Arnold is altruism's nemesis.

That. Just. Happened. Or, you can choose from their "Play Heart Activity Menu, which has an alpha extreme: supervision required" list, including water skiing, parkour, sphereing, and triathlon. HOW THE FUCK WOULD ONE SEEK SUPERVISION WHILE FREE RUNNING? Oh, and if you're curious, sphereing consists of rolling downhill in a massive hamster ball. Yup.

In summary, consider self-castration with a rusty spoon as an alternative to following the form and letter of this book, which is so patently offensive to masculinity as a whole that the authors of this piece of shit should commit seppuku on Good Morning America in attrition for their actions. I think I need to go smash something with my bare hands while operating heavy machinery and drinking copious amounts of liquor, accompanied by multiple women of loose moral fiber.