23 December 2017

Powerbuilding #3- Little Big Men Who Make You Look Like A Bitch

Believe it or not, there used to be at least a half dozen dudes in World Gym Tucson just in the evening crew who could Behind The Neck Press 315lbs.  

Walking into a gym used to be a humbling experience.  Benny Podda-esque shit was commonplace- you might not see a half naked wild man covered in blood rip a water fountain out of the wall and toss it across the room, but there was enough wild-eyed screaming and ECA-fueled rampages throughout the gym that as a newcomer, you trod lightly.  But as you became inculcated in that community, you became more savage, more feral, more muscular, and far stronger.  There was no other option- kill or be kill, eat or be eaten.  If you were a tourist, you were treated as such, shunned and reviled by the locals as beneath contempt. 

I shit you not- I googled Barbarian Brothers and this came up.  This is the modern Fitspo era.  Fuck me running. 

Those times are long past.  In the PC, pink bitch, pussified modern era of lifting, everything is antiseptic, everyone's wearing "outfits," and people are too busy muttering ridiculous horseshit like "cucklord" and taking selfies while feigning injuries to justify their shit dog lifts to actually lift something heavy.  And if they actually do manage to lift some paltry weights, they're following some $100 cookie-cutter program designed for the lowest common denominator human, stressing deloads and rates of perceived exertion and a bunch of other jargon that serves as nothing but a screen for lazily slumping your way through workout after workout... but they certainly won't shy from posting videos of their ministrations on the internet in hopes of some half-hearted encouragement and pity from faceless strangers.

This is what everyone one of those no-fap, no porn pussies looks like to me.  And if you're in that shit, you're welcome- I put you back at Day 0.

Newsflash: if my Facebook and Instagram feeds are any indication, that shit does not work.  What does work is breaking your fucking ass inside out every day, with the goal of getting bigger and stronger, followed by massive meals and tons of protein.  Fuck choosing a specific diet, fuck choosing a specific program, fuck all of this new jack shit- you don't need that kind of "help."  What you need is to follow in the footsteps of giants so you can trace their path to brutality.  Along the way, you'll adopt the old school mindset, and all of this nicey-nice, happy-go-lucky, no fap, no honor, no integrity, no balls, pussy shit can get tossed in the dustbin of history along with every other horrible fad that has befallen the human race and retarded the evolution of humanity into true godhood.

Can you tell which one is on gear?  I sure as shit can't.  Now shut the fuck up and lift.

And before any scrawny, Smiegel-looking, basement-dwelling pussies come swooping out of the rafters screeching about PEDS, bear in mind the Barbarian Brothers trained together doing the same fucking program day in and day out, and only one of them was gassed up.  Stop making fucking excuses.  Don't be a fucking pussy.  It's time to start chokeslamming these excuse-making fucktards in the parking lot outside the gym for even mentioning gear- if you use it, fine, if you don't, fine.  Either way, KEEP YOUR FUCKING MOUTH SHUT ABOUT IT.

Now, onto more programs that have made people brutally strong and jacked.

Danny "The Giant Killer" Padilla
At his heaviest, the 5'2" Giant Killer was 190lbs.  Although I realize a shredded 190 lb near-midget will still bring about screams of "Manlet" from Cheetos-dust-filled basements around the country, Padilla outlifted just about everyone you know.  He trained six days a week with massive volume and extremely short rests and has been caught on video squatting 405 for sets of twelve weighing under 190, and benched 450 when he was closer to 180 lbs. 

"I've got your manlet right here, bitch." - Danny Padilla

Padilla gave no fucks about programming or overtraining- he just bombed into the gym like a miniature Godzilla and wrecked shit.  Most of the year, Padilla would train 4 to 6 days a week, but he didn't get too panicky about missing training days.  If he missed one, he'd just pick up where he left off and continue forward like Marshawn Lynch on the goal line.  His split really never changed- he'd train chest and back on day one, shoulders and arms on day two, and legs on day three, then repeat.  He didn't wave load, use periodization, check the position of the stars, phone a friend, ask Facebook, or do any other stupid shit to tell him when to add weight to the bar, either.  Knowing that such things are more fucking retarded than the guy with the giant dent in his head that stocks the soup at the local supermarket, Padilla would just add ten pounds to the bar whenever his five sets of twelve got too easy, and then would use that weight as his working weight for successive workouts,  Keeping his rest periods to 60 seconds or less, Padilla was a fucking Tazmanian Devil in the gym, finishing a workout of two to three exercises with five sets of twelve in just over an hour (in the spirit of other training luminaries like Vince Gironda).  His offseason program looked thusly:

Chest and Back
Bench Press- 5x12 (with 2-3 warmup sets, rather than the umpteen warmup sets currently in vogue these days)
Incline Bench- 5x12
Flys- 5x12
Dumbell Pullovers- 5x12
Chins- 5x12
Bent Barbell Rows- 5x12
Cable Pulldowns- 5x12
(once a week) Deadlifts- 5x12

Shoulders and Arms
Seated Military Press-5x12 (supersetted with cable laterals)
Cable Laterals- 5x12

Rear Laterals; 5x12
Front Raises or Upright Rows- 5x12
Dumbbell Curls- 5x12
Barbell Curls- 5x12
Concentration Curls or Preacher Curls- 5x8
Lying Triceps Extensions- 5x12
Seated Overhead EZ Bar Extensions- 5x12
Pushdowns / One Arm Dumbbell Overhead Extensions- 5x12

Legs and Abs
Leg Extensions- 5x12
Squats- 5x12
Leg Presses- 5x12
Lying Leg Curls- 5x12
Standing Leg Curls- 5x12
Standing Calf Raises- 5x12
Donkey Calf Raises- 5x15
Seated Calf Raises- 5x15

Crunches or Leg Raises- 5x20

No calculations, no spreadsheets, no fucking coach, and no bullshit.  Using nothing more than a simple exercise, set and rep scheme, Padilla was able get strong enough to make just about anybody look like a punk bitch lifting next to him, with a physique that probably got him more pussy than Wilt Chamberlain.  Food for thought.

I will mentally facefuck your preconceived notions about the utility of bodybuilding out of you.

Rich Gaspari
Few bodybuilders seem to arouse the weird, impotent enmity of messageboard warriors like Rich Gaspari, the Dragon Slayer.  At the age of 50, Gaspari could bench 225 for 25 reps and could rock front raises with the 100s (much to the bizarre chagrin of the weaksauce and bitch-made messageboard warriors who profess to train), but in his prime Gaspari was squatting just under 700 lbs and deadlifting 495 for 12 at a bodyweight of around 215lbs.   Not too shabby for a guy who was known for being ultra-shredded rather than a monster in the weight room... though he'd trash just about anybody you could put him up against at his bodyweight in the gym today.

Not a fan of the ultra-high rep shit that was in vogue when Gaspari competed, he preferred to train like a goddamned maniac with ultra heavy weights, low reps (even precontest), twice a day, 6 days a week.  His approach was simple- lift weights until his fucking eyes bled with less fucks given than John Wayne Gacy at a children's birthday party, low calorie diet and everyone else be damned.  The man tore through weights like a cruel condom through a gay man's sphincter, and his physique reflected that.  Grainier than a block of granite and harder than a diamond in an ice storm, Gaspari was a fucking beast.  Here's how he did it.  [SPOILER ALERT: He didn't have a coach, a team, a program, conjugate periodization, prehab, Rumble Rollers, or any of the other unnecessary bullshit everyone seems to think is indispensable these days, because all of that shit is extraneous nonsense that only slack-jawed pussies need, and their reliance on such things is a virtual guarantee they will never achieve greatness.]

Day One
AM Workout
Donkey Calf Raises- 5x15 (with two people on his back and a dip belt.  He'd do a drop set where he'd have one guy jump off, then the second, then drop the dip belt)
Seated Calf Raise- 5x15 (last set was a triple drop set)

Chest (last sets all done to failure)
Incline Dumbbell Press- 5x8-12
Incline Flyes- 4x8-12
Barbell Bench Press- 4x6-10 (drop set on the last set)
Dumbbell Flyes / Pec Deck- 4x10-12
Weighted Dips- 3x10
Cable Crossovers — 3 10-12

Lying Crunches- 4x50
Hanging Leg Raises- 4x50
Twisting Cable Crunches 3x50

Cardio (followed by posing practice)

Day One
PM Workout
Arms (Superset Triceps and Biceps)
Pushdowns supersetted with Incline Dumbbell Curls- 4x10-12
Skullcrushers supersetted with Seated EZ Preacher Curls- 4x10-12
Seated French Curls supersetted with Rope Pushdowns- 4x10-12
Kickbacks supersetted with Dumbbell Concentration Curls- 3x10-12

One hour of posing

Day Two
AM Workout
Back (from his '88 season, with his training weights)
Front Pulldowns- 3x10-12 reps, 250 lbs max weight
Reverse-Grip Pulldowns- 3x10-12 reps, 220 lbs max weight
Seated Cable Rows- 3x10-12 reps, 300 lbs max weight
One-Arm Dumbbell Rows- 3x10-12 reps, 200 lbs max weight
Barbell Rows- 4x10-12 reps, 365 lbs max weight
Deadlifts- 3x10-12 reps, 495 lbs max weight
Back Extensions- 3x12-15 reps, 45 lbs max weight

Abdominals- Same as day one

Note the utter lack of training journals, percentage tables, or other useless accoutrements of the modern trainee.

Day Two
PM Workout

Arnold Presses- 5x6-10 (drop set on last set)
Seated or Standing Side Laterals- 5x10-12 (drop set on last set)
Standing Upright Rows supersetted with Two-Arm Cable Side Laterals- 3x12
Standing Front Dumbbell Laterals- 3x10
Bent Over Dumbbell Laterals- 4x10-12
Behind the Neck Shrugs- 5x10-12

One hour of posing

Day 3
AM Workout
Leg Extensions- 5x12-15 (have partner push down to make the negative phase more difficult)
45-Degree Leg Press- 5x15
Hack Squats supersetted with Sissy Squats- 5x15
Walking Lunges / Reverse Lunges on a Smith Machine- 5x15
Lying Leg Curls — 5x12-15
Stiff-Legged Deadlifts — 4-5x15

No cardio or posing after leg training

Day 3
PM Workout
Calf Training same as Day One

Abdominal Training same as Day One

So there you have it- a veritable roadmap for getting strong and, and it likely in no way resembles the techniques of the modern trainee.  As I know that there is an oncoming rush of whining out Redditors about gatekeeping, cuckolds, betas, and whatever the fuck other nonsensical and bizarrely misunderstood terms are in vogue to spew online these days, consider the following from an interview with the incredibly, strong, jacked, and mentally unstable 1980s bodybuilder Mike Quinn:

"To sum it up, bodybuilding in the eighties was awesome and the [modern era was] a huge disappointment. In the eighties, your training was the most important thing, then came diet, and the drugs were a distant third. That hierarchy seems to have reversed itself since then. Now kids will come up to me and their first question is usually how much I bench. Right after that they want to know what steroids I use. It's so pathetic."
Clearly, it's not just me who thinks that the modern trainee is bitch-made.  Ditch your program.  Dump your coach.  Forget about whatever the fuck Pubmed bullshit is in vogue these days.  If you want to know what works, you simply have to look at the pre-internet era, when people relied on their balls and their brains to get jacked as fuck, rather than nameless online dickheads with less knowledge about training than your average housewife, but a fuckload of opinions about it.  What matters is your mentality- the execution will follow.  

Just get out there and make it fucking happen.

Danny Padilla Workout.  Musclenet.  Web.  23 Dec 2017.  http://www.musclenet.com/danny-padilla-workout.html

Mielke, Myron.  Rich Gaspari The Dragon Slayer.  I'm A Bodybuilder.  Web.  22 Feb 2015.  http://www.imabodybuilder.com/gaspari.html

Merritt, Gerg.  Hardcore Contender - Rich Gaspari.  Flex Online.  Web.  22 Feb 2015.  http://www.flexonline.com/training/hardcore-contender-rich-gaspari#sthash.2hgmkyR9.dpuf

Merritt, Greg.  Rated hardcore.  Flex Online.  Web.  22 Feb 2015.  http://www.flexonline.com/training/rated-hardcore

T Nation.  The black sheep of bodybuilding: an interview with Mike Quinn.  T Nation.  26 Mar 2004.  Web.  23 Dec 2017.  https://www.t-nation.com/pharma/black-sheep-of-bodybuilding

15 December 2017

The War On Coffee and Common Sense, Or More Reasons Why We Should Start Gutting Vegetarians And Vegans

Few people in the world combine a marked distaste for evolutionary science, crippled intellects, shoddy understanding of the human body, stupid religious beliefs of which they're likely unaware, and the kind of unlikeability that would make a sleepover with Rosanne, Martin Short, and Gilbert Gottfried seem like more fun than a barrel full of monkeys like vegetarians and vegans do.  Frankly, thinking people should be avoiding vegetarians and vegans with the same assiduousness that we did leprosy or cholera years ago, but for some reason we allow them to bleat their insipid beliefs in public in spite of the fact we'd hang a beating on creationists for doing the same.  Preachy in ways you'd think only big tent revivalist preachers could be, steadfast in their total unwillingness to consider things like science or reason, and displaying the kind of smugness you only see out of shit comedians who think they're far funnier than they are, like that unfuckable bag of anti-hilarity Whitney Cummings, vegans and vegetarians ought to be exterminated with prejudice, yet we fail to do so for unknowable reasons.

That time should now be at an end, because those limp-dicked, quinoa-nibbling fucktards are the reason why coffee was considered unhealthy for the better part of 100 years, and their virulent campaign of disinformation persists even today.  So when you're standing in line to get your espresso behind some manbun-bearing dipshit in vegan, fair trade, "thrifted" clothing, kick him in the fucking spine and tell him to go stink of fucking patchouli elsewhere, because it was his kind of inescapably annoying dipshit who fucked up the coffee industry throughout the 20th century and campaigned hard to drive that delicious, caffeine-bearing elixir out of existence.

Get fucked, you broccoli-eating bitches.  Might as well say "Contains nothing useful."

"Not so!", you say?  Yeah, fucking so.  Prior to the insipid meddling of those twig-gnawing ruminant fucks in the early 20th Century, coffee was seen for what it is- a healthy liquid repast designed to uplift the consumer and improve their mood and day.  The unrelentingly psychotic anti-sex progenitors of the modern vegetarian movement, otherwise known as Seventh Day Adventists (who should be drawn and fucking quartered should you ever encounter one), decided that they should save us all from the evils of orgasms, heavy musculature, meat-consumption, chocolate, coffee, aggressiveness, winning, pride, badassery, and basically everything that has made humanity the dominant species on the planet. 

 From the descriptions of how they'd punish their kids for touching themselves, Infernal Restraints isn't too far off.

In the place of all that, these sanctimonious sacks of rancid monkey shit decided to foist breakfast cereal, graham crackers, and Postum on the world, while they resorted to putting children into bondage or chastity to keep them from masturbating to whatever the laughable version of Infernal Restraints was back then.  With girls they actually took that a step further, and would rub carbolic acid on their clits.  That's right, in John Harvey Kellogg (inventor of Corn Flakes, actually recommended in his hilariously psychotic book, Plain Facts for Old and Young:
"In females, the author has found the application of pure carbolic acid to the clitoris an excellent means of allaying the abnormal excitement, and preventing the recurrence of the practice in those whose will-power has become so weakened that the patient is unable to exercise entire self-control (296).

And when these shit-sipping frittatas weren't torturing their children, they were running around slapping hamburgers out of strangers' hands and dumping their coffee in the gutter.  Kellogg was obsessed with the control of diet and we have him to blame for the invention of breakfast cereal, which basically ruined breakfast until champion propagandist Eddie Bernays replaced with bacon and eggs.  Though reading this shit now makes you think the man should have died penniless in the gutter wearing a tinfoil hat, people actually took what said to heart.  So when he would write this insane dogshit, it stuck with people:
"3. Discard all stimulating food. Under this head must be included spices, pepper, ginger, mustard, cinnamon, cloves, essences, all condiments, pickles, etc., together with flesh food in any but moderate quantities. It is hardly to be expected that all who have been accustomed to use these articles all their lives, will discard them wholly at once, nor, perhaps, that many will ever discard them entirely; but it would be better for them to do so, nevertheless.

4. Stimulating drinks should be abstained from with still greater strictness. Wine, beer, tea, and coffee should be taken under no circumstances. The influence of coffee in stimulating the genital organs is notorious. Chocolate should be discarded also. It is recommended by some who suppose it to be harmless, being ignorant of the fact that it contains a poison practically identical with that of tea and coffee.

Hot drinks of all kinds should be avoided (302-303).
I swear I've seen that hand gesture somewhere before.

So if Kellogg was Hitler, CW Post was Goebbels (and although that's hyperbole, the Seventh Day Adventists supported the Nazi cause).  After having a couple of nervous breakdowns, Post went to Kellogg's Battle Creek Sanitarium, where that soft-headed dickbag was fully indoctrinated in Kellogg's insane plan to neuter the entire human race.  Post decided he was going to go full-tilt boogie with it and invented what seems to have been unanimously considered to be the most horrible goddamned thing anyone's ever dumped down their neck- the bran muffin-flavored drink named Postum.  As such, Post started to give them reasons to drink Postum rather than coffee- namely, he manufactured the lie that coffee stunts your growth.  This was clearly a bold-faced lie for anyone with a brain, as coffee's been considered nearly magical since it was first discovered in Ethiopia.  Among other ridiculous claims, Post relentlessly ran ads stating insane shit like:

  • "by crowding milk out of the diet of children, coffee is a cause of undernourishment. It robs children of their rosy cheek sand sparkling eyes. It lowers their vitality, lessens their resistance to disease, and hampers proper development and growth." 
  • Outright lied and stated they had a research study showing coffee brought down kids' grades.
  • "Children 'brought up' on Postum are free from the evil effects of caffeine—the habit-forming drug—in coffee and tea" (Weissman).
They seriously pushed so hard on America that Post invented a superhero who flew around protecting unsuspecting kids from coffee while they were probably so terrified of touching the groins that taking a leak sent them into hysterics.

Given that the man behind Postum also tried to convince people that Grape Nuts were both edible and cured appendicitis and that meat was made of evil, you couldn't really put anything past him.  The man would have stolen your wallet and raped babies if it would have advanced his cause.  A massive dickhead by all accounts, but the"lessons" he imparted to an entire generation regarding detriments to one's health coffee could cause have taken damn near 100 years to debunk, and you'll still hear idiots say it's unhealthy.  So, here's a handy list of health benefits you can scream at vegetarian while you're handing them a Chris Brown style beating:
  • lower incidence of various diseases including liver and colorectal cancer
  • improved energy levels
  • Improved memory, mood and cognition
  • fat loss
  • lower risk of stroke
  • improved physical performance
  • lower risk of type 2 diabetes
  • reduced chance of getting Alzheimer's disease
  • lowered risks of getting Parkinson's
  • protects against cirrhosis
  • fights depression
... and while we're at it, it does not raise the risk of heart problems (Gunnars).

So, the next time one of these no-good chai soy latte-sipping fuckwads tells you anything at all, just punch them dead in the goddamned mouth, because they'd be pissing on your leg and telling you it was raining minutes later.  Coffee is the elixir of the gods, and there's not a fucking thing a human who doesn't eat steak has to say that's worth hearing even coffee wasn't better for you than blowjobs.

Gunnars, Kris.  13 health benefits of coffee, based on science.  Healthline.  15 June 2017.  Web.  15 Dec 2017.  https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/top-13-evidence-based-health-benefits-of-coffee

John Harvey Kellogg.  Wikipedia.  Web.  15 Dec 2017.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_Harvey_Kellogg

Kellogg, John Harvey.  Plain Facts for Old and Young.  Web.  15 Dec 2017. http://web.archive.org/web/20130702215936/http://etext.lib.virginia.edu/etcbin/toccer-new2?id=KelPlai.sgm&images=images/modeng&data=/texts/english/modeng/parsed&tag=public&part=11&division=div1

CW Post.  Wikipedia. Web.  15 Dec 2017.  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/C._W._Post

Weissman, Jordan.  The devious ad campaign that convinced America that coffee is bad for kids.  The Atlantic.  Dec 2013.  Web.  15 Dec 2017.  https://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2013/12/the-devious-ad-campaign-that-convinced-america-coffee-was-bad-for-kids/282676/