29 December 2009

Evil Will Always Triumph, Because Good Is Dumb.

Merry Christmas, fuckers! I thought I'd take this opportunity to blog on a more personal note, if for no other reason than I've been catching shit from just about everyone recently, and I've enjoyed it thoroughly. I've been accused of being everything from an attention whore to gay, retarded, un-alpha, pretentious, and then simply downright, old-fashioned evil. Well, most of those are probably true. On that note, my gift to you is a hilarious email I received, and my [expanded] response. Bear in mind, on this most materialistic and consumer-driven spending smorgasbord, that this is a guy to whom I've been giving advice for a couple of years, over the phone and via email, and since his divorce have been coaching him on how to pick up chicks, and recently helped him edit his profile on a dating website to facilitate his ass-getting adventures. Additionally, he has two kids who are handicapped in some manner. Clearly, in spite of my good deeds, he's got plenty of reason to hate me just on the kids deal.

The email:
Wow, I just finished reading your blog on the alpha male book. Do you honestly feel the only relevant things to a mans life are to kill people and fuck women? I mean, I have my respect for the conquerors of the past, but I don't idolize those motherfuckers for their morale [sic] fiber. So..the strong dominate and kill the weak, make necklaces out of their teeth, ect, [sic] whatever. Are you living in a fucking movie or something? Do you really think that is all there is to human life? Your comments on retarded people and cripples (my son included), you think that is a show of real strength? What the fuck is wrong with you dude? I have a lot of respect for you, I really do, but your lack of honor and respect for those types of people, and myself, shows a really weak side of you, that looks to me like you can't deal with. I realize the fact that you have no responsibility past yourself, you have told me that yourself. I have always prized myself on being strong and not living in fear that I can't show myself, or how I feel about shit. I don't have to hide it under a bunch of cliche macho fucking bullshit. For example, I like the movie the notebook. Oh, am I a big pussy now? What the fuck is this, high school? I am not really sure if I am getting the wrong picture from the way you blog or talk about yourself, but the way you do portrays you don't have a compassionate bone in your fucking body. If your real attitude is to kill the weak, and fuck women, then you are definitely taking human evolution backwards.

And my somewhat expanded answer:
You're shot right out of a fucking cannon today. Well, the short version is, no, I don't believe that that's what a man is supposed to do. I do KNOW, however, that that's what ALPHA males of any species do. They're not necessarily good fathers, but they produce a lot of kids. I criticized the fact that you had "the notebook" in your profile because it appeared to be sleazy bullshit thrown into your robotically-written profile to make chicks think you had a sensitive side, while none of the rest of your profile alluded to any such thing. You can like whatever you want. I'll break your balls about "the Notebook". Just because I think your love of the movie is 11 different kinds of hilarious doesn't mean I'm judging you as a person. I'm not christian, and I don't bother with judging people. I leave that to them.

As for their moral fiber, I could give a fuck- I'm not in the business of morality. I am, for all intents and purposes, a satanist. This means I have as much physical pleasure as possible without impeding others' ability to do the same. Insofar as I follow any belief system, I'm an Odinist, and I pretty much live by the nine Noble Virtues:
  1. Strength is better than weakness
  2. Courage is better than cowardice
  3. Joy is better than guilt
  4. Honor is better than dishonor
  5. Freedom is better than slavery
  6. Kinship is better than alienation
  7. Realism is better than dogmatism
  8. Vigor is better than lifelessness
  9. Ancestry is better than universalism

You and I are just going to have to agree to disagree on human evolution. I think compassion has irrevocably fucked up human evolution, and we're a shell of our former selves. That's one man's opinion. It might be wrong, but as my opinion either way is worth a bucket of warm piss in the grand scheme of things, I'll feel free to give it.

Finally, you of all people should recognize the fact that my writing style represents a somewhat fictionalized version of myself. It's a super-me. I fire for effect a lot, and I have fun getting rises out of people. As such, I thoroughly enjoyed your email and your righteous indignation, which was hilarious, given the fact that I 1) proclaim to the heavens that I'm a total asshole all over my blog, and 2) have taken a decent amount of time to help you out with a variety of things and chat with you, which would seem to indicate that I don't spend a lot of time judging you or your kids. For the record, however, I'm really not terribly compassionate. I'm occasionally empathetic, but I don't do a lot of hand-wringing about it, and it almost never extends past people whom I personally know well.

Sympathy and empathy are two traits that should have remained the sole purview of women, but for whatever reason (I blame Christianity for this as well), men have gotten in on the game as well. Now, they're puttering around the house wearing aprons and breastfeeding their children while their wives withhold sex from them and earn money for the household. It's horseshit, and begets weakness.

In short, it's better to be hated than forgotten.
Being hated is never gonna be a problem, haha.

**Who Loves Snatch? I Sure As Hell Do.

The one arm snatch, to be exact. This lift is hard as hell, but fun as shit, and generally a badass lift altogether. You might be tempted to try this with a dumbbell or a kettlebell, and insist that it's the same thing as the barbell snatch. Well, you're wrong. The barbell snatch is the only way to go, and if you're thinking about trying the others, you're denying yourself the ability to garner the respect and fear of those around you, in addition to a brutal grip and potential two hands anyhow skills (look for an upcoming blog about this bitch of a lift). As such, do the barbell snatch.

Charles Rigoulot set the one arm snatch record, at a bodyweight of 181, at 261 lbs. What's more, he was fucking FRENCH! A frog holds the world record in the one arm snatch- this cannot be left to pass. He was, however, an all-around bad motherfucker, and competed in weightlifting and auto racing, only to later become a pro wrestler.

Maxick, also a bad motherfucker in his own right, one arm snatched 165 at a bodyweight of 147.

According to Arthur Saxon, a badass at pretty much everything and who could snatch 200 lbs with both hands, this is how it should be done:
"Place yourself in position 1

and as you pull strongly with the right hand and shoulder, press as hard as you can with the left hand on the left knee. Then when the weight has reached a fair height, dip beneath same, the eyes to be all the time on the weight. The secret of this lift is to use as many muscles as possible at the same time, that is, your press with your legs, pull with your arm, and push with the disengaged one, also pull with the shoulder and jerk with the back, suddenly, when the weight is over your head, dipping beneath the same, and throwing it a little to the back. There are two positions possible in snatching weight, either of which is good, and both of which I will describe. One is to keep the body perpendicular and dip cleanly beneath the weight; the other is to suddenly fall to one side as in the bent press, when the bar is about the height of your head, and so place a straight arm beneath the weight, after which you recover to an erect position.

The benefit and advantage in this latter position being given a man who is enormously strong and a good side presser, if his arm should not go quite straight in the first attempt, then he may finish up the last inch or two by the body press, that is, if no objection be made by referee or opponents in competition. A variation of this is to snatch the bell overhead with the two hands instead of one, the hands being held the same distance apart as in the double-handed bar bell lift. Those anxious to practice the single-handed lift all the way, as in the English Amateur Championship Competition, will find my instructions as to the snatch are, if reversed, directly applicable to the initial pull-in to the shoulder. All that you have to do is place your hand on the bar with the palm to the front instead of to the back, then pull the bell up to the chest, stepping back with the left leg if pulling in with the right hand, and exerting as many muscles as possible.
Note: -In all these positions where the weight is lifted to the should from off the ground, the arm must NOT be bent at the first portion of the pull."

With the one arm snatch, you should start to enjoy better wind (if you're doing them for reps), vastly improved one arm grip strength, balance, overhead pressing strength, and the ability to impress just about anyone, anywhere, by doing a lift that's old as shit and pretty much wholly abandoned because it's too hard (sniffle!).

And remember to BE ALPHA! HAHAHAHAHA

Have you read your book today?
Have you gotten laid today?
Have you lifted brutal weights today?
Have you stabbed a random passer-by today?

23 December 2009

*Because I Fucking Can.

Today, I went into the gym with the intention of doing partial back squats, heavy. I brought my camera in case anything interesting was to happen, and it did. A buddy of mine saw my setup and joked that I was going to overhead press. We laughed about that, and then he said, "No, seriously. Front squats?" At that point, it occurred to me that I had never tried partial front squats, and that they'd certainly be more brutal than partial back squats. I was right. Hours later, my biceps, shoulders, traps, and thighs are still cramping like crazy. These are worth trying, if for no other reason than it's fun to try new shit, and because you can.

Other people who espouse partials, for those multitudinous naysayers and shit-talkers running amok on the internet:
  • Paul Anderson
  • Brooks Kubik
  • Hermann Goerner
  • Louie Simmons
... just to name a few. Try 'em, and you'll see the utility.

20 December 2009

*Hold the Fucking Phone- Behold the Alpha Male Challenge!

Oh my dear lord. I just finished this paean to weakness, and I have to say that I am viscerally shaken. My faith in humanity, what little was left, has been rent asunder, thrown into a sewer, and shit upon by albino rats the size of bull terriers. How could this be, though? Isn't this a book about Alpha Males? A call to arms for the last few ass-kicking, maidenhood-stealing, life-ruining, brigandage-loving, rough motherfuckers full of spit and vinegar to band together to wipe out the pseudo-males who currently surround us and confound our every effort to enjoy our lives?

Nope. It's a handbook for total pussies to follow so they can ape the real men, while refraining from actually engaging in any behavior Alpha males might enjoy. To wit, here's an actual bit of Q&A from the book:
"Q: Do I need to be an Alpha Male to start the program? A: Absolutely not."
Are you as shocked and horrified as I? You should be. As every rational person knows, one cannot be coached into becoming an alpha- it doesn't work. An alpha naturally leads. He naturally does what he fucking wants, and knocks the shit out of anything standing betwixt himself and the thing he wants, be it pussy or the contents of a bank vault. He doesn't require coaching reminiscent of "The Secret" to hope for what he wants, and he sure as shit doesn't use terms like "Alpha Empathy."
No amount of coaching is going to turn this poofter into Teddy Motherfucking Roosevelt.

This book, folks, is a tragedy of epic fucking proportions. Allow me to elucidate.

To begin, the book opens with a mealy-mouthed plea for men to stop being pussies, all the while giving a laundry list of excuses for why the "men" to whom they're appealing act like menopausal women. The authors, James Villepigue and Rick Collins, blame the stress of modern life for the paucity of testosterone running through the veins of American men, and offers them a "challenge" in the form of a "positive and empowering call to action." Sluts and motherfuckers, we are off to a shit-show of a start. They do, however, pause to give you a list of things you should not do if you want to keep your test levels up. They are as follows, with my parenthetical addendums:
  • DO NOT MARRY (UNLESS YOU PLAN ON BEING A SWINGER). Test levels decline after marriage because the male is no longer competing for the attention of his mate. (pg 5)
  • DON'T GET OLD OR FAT (UNLESS YOU'RE JACKING A SHITLOAD OF TEST). 1/3 of men over the age of 45 have clinically low testosterone levels, and the odds of low testosterone are 2.4 times higher in obese men. Additionally, test levels drop 1-2% a year after the age of 35, so you need to adjust your supplementation regimes accordingly. (pg 4)
  • DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, HAVE (LEGITIMATE) CHILDREN. Physically active males average 8 hours of exercise a week (pussies). Those with children, however, average a paltry 3.5. (pg 3)
  • DO NOT LIVE IN THIS CENTURY (UNLESS TRIBULUS IS A CORNERSTONE OF YOUR SUPPLEMENTATION REGIME). A study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism showed a progressive decline in testosterone levels in men since 1987, and another study shows a steady drop in semen quality since it began being studied in 1934. (pg 7)
After those tidbits, however, the shit-show begins in earnest. Collins, who's an expert in steroid litigation and legality, and Villepigue, who's an expert in posing with his arms crossed, then call violent, assertive bad boys "faux alpha males", and suggests that becoming an "Alpha" will allow you to "be a better person and a better citizen, a better father and husband, a better co-worker or a better boss, [and] a better caretaker of yourself and those around you." HOLY HORSESHIT, BATMAN! Let's list some legendary alpha males and their credentials, shall we?

  • Teddy Roosevelt. Insanely pissed off and motivated, he organized his own private army to join the Spanish American War after being denied a commission in the US Army. After leading the Rough Riders on a variety of near-suicidal missions, Roosevelt went on to the White House, where he fought pro boxers and wrestlers in the White House, regularly went skinny dipping in the Potomac, and refused to enter our nation into any wars because he would not be allowed to participate while in office. He was shot while giving a speech, then helped beat the shit out of his would-be assassin and finished the speech before going to the hospital. After retiring from politics, he embarked upon a badass expedition in the Amazon that resulted in having a river named after him. Finally, he was an accomplished writer and reader, and was fluent in multiple languages. "Get action. Seize the moment. Man was never intended to become an oyster."

  • Genghis Khan. Insanely bad man who, after being orphaned, went on to conquer an entire continent. Genghis established the first high-speed long distance postal service, organized an army on the decimal system for the first time, killed millions of people ever year, and sired just about as many- 8% of the people in Asia, 700 years after his death, bear his genes. Though most of his time was spent with the business of killing anyone within arm's reach and building pyramids with their heads, Genghis still found time to marry six women and utilize a massive harem, and is crediting with fathering at least HUNDREDS of children, if not thousands. "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."

  • Ulf Hreda. Hreda's a lesser-known, yet still epically awesome Alpha male well known in Ireland of the 11th Century for slaughtering legions of motherfuckers with a broadsword. Under High King Brian Boru, Ulf the Quarrelsome (best nickname ever!) led an army through Ireland, uniting it under one rule and stabbing anyone who said boo to him before they could draw their swords. Did he need to do much else? I think not. "Wolf the Quarrelsome cut open Brodir's belly, and led him round and round the trunk of a tree, and so wound all his entrails out of him, and he did not die before they were all drawn out of him. Brodir's warriors were slain to a man."
THESE ARE ALPHA MALES, by the traditional definition, which is: a male in a pack of wolves, or a similar pack or troop of animals, that other members submit to and follow and that takes priority in mating with females (according to Encarta). They are not, however, the touchy-feely douches detailed in the soiled pages of The Alpha Male Challenge. They don't "value emotional intelligence" and then call this hippie psychobabble claptrap "alpha empathy", as do Villepigue and Collins on page 48- they're too busy fucking broads in public thoroughfares and slapping the living piss out of anyone who has something to say about it.
Behold the face of empathy.

AMC devotes an entire chapter to developing the proper mindset to ape an Alpha Male. This chapter coaches lesser men into acting in a confident manner by adopting a feigned air of competence and presence, which they claim will garner them respect. What it will really get them, however, is mocked for their misplaced sense of conscience, because every real man in the room will see right through that carefully-crafted facade of courageousness, mental toughness (HAHAHAHAHAHA), and "having a conscience". Do you think Genghis Khan had a conscience? I highly fucking doubt it. He was too busy trying to figure out how to rip out a man's inner child so he could roast it over an open fire and leave the less tasty bits to his pet falcons.

And how would you determine your Alpha-ness? Why, a "Malescale", of course!

I could not make this shit up if I tried. The Malescale has its readers answer ten questions on a scale of 1-10. Questions like:
  • "I am very good at looking at things from the viewpoint of other people"
  • "I tried my hardest over the past week to help people in need without being rewarded or expecting something in return"
  • "I can resist eating my favorite junk food even when others are eating it in front of me"
Serenity now.

Thereafter, they list 5 assessments of Alpha Architecture:
  1. Flexed bicep measurement
  2. Chest to waist differential
  3. Vertical leap
  4. Max bench vs body weight (because "there is no greater measure of male superiority in the gym than the bench press". Really? I'm guessing they're referring to Bally's, and you'd have to look long and fucking hard to find anything resembling an Alpha Male in a commercial fitness center, methinks.)
  5. The 300 run (25 yd gassers in between two lines)
So, rather than judging one's self on the ability to fuck bitches and lead men, as per the Encarta definition, it's how to impress Cultfitters at the Crossfit Games, or oily douches who've never trained legs at Bally's. Fan-fucking-tastic.

The diet section begins un-shittily, enumerating the benefits of eating in a Paleolithic fashion. The wheels then fall off, as they suggest a macro ratio that smacks of the zone, and tell their betas that it's ok to eat fruit popsicles (what kind of fucking man eats popsicles? Do they think the Duke ate them? Chuck Bronson just couldn't wait for a fudgesicle after dinner? Sweet baby Jesus.), drink milk, and eat bread and oatmeal, all of which is distinctly un-paleo. Oh, and did I mention that they suggest that you have lots of fresh fruit on hand for making SMOOTHIES?
I wasn't even trying to find a picture of a Jonas brother with a smoothie. I just googled Jamba Juice.

The horror of this book will haunt me for the remainder of my days. But there's more- the actual workout. I'm sure, by this point, you know that it's going to be less manly than a threesome between Michael Jackson, Liberace, and Eddie Izzard, and you're right- out of 52 exercises they listed (nevermind their power tube alternatives), 28 are machine exercises, 7 are ab exercises, and only three are actual compound movements. None of the workouts utilize lower than 6 reps, and the vast majority utilize rep schemes between 10 and 15 reps. Hardly man-makers, this lot. Hardly muscle-makers, either. They do, however, suggest you do cool Alpha Attitude Drills, like their Altruism one, when you attempt to hone your altruistic side by doing good works.

Egoism is the antithesis of altruism.  Arnold is altruism's nemesis.

That. Just. Happened. Or, you can choose from their "Play Heart Activity Menu, which has an alpha extreme: supervision required" list, including water skiing, parkour, sphereing, and triathlon. HOW THE FUCK WOULD ONE SEEK SUPERVISION WHILE FREE RUNNING? Oh, and if you're curious, sphereing consists of rolling downhill in a massive hamster ball. Yup.

In summary, consider self-castration with a rusty spoon as an alternative to following the form and letter of this book, which is so patently offensive to masculinity as a whole that the authors of this piece of shit should commit seppuku on Good Morning America in attrition for their actions. I think I need to go smash something with my bare hands while operating heavy machinery and drinking copious amounts of liquor, accompanied by multiple women of loose moral fiber.

15 December 2009

**10 Reasons Stuart McRobert Can Go Fuck Himself

This is an article I wrote for the good people over at Muscle and Brawn, and thought I'd share it with you fuckers as well. I've spiced it up a bit here, but if you want to check out the original, go here.

1) Stuart McRobert is terrified of his own fucking shadow. His entire training philosophy, from his Brawn books, to Lose Fat, Get Fit, to his myriad articles, centers around the central premise of fear. McRobert is afraid of overtraining. He’s afraid of “dangerous exercises”. He’s afraid of injury. He’s afraid of cameras (has anyone EVER seen a picture of this “guru”?) He’s probably afraid of a litany of other things as well, but I’ve no interest in enumerating the lot of them. The main problem with this first point, other than the glaring issue of the fact that he’s a massive, bloody vagina, is the fact that he’s been able to spread his disgusting tripe all over bookstores and the internet for going on 20 years, leaving a pile of slack-jawed pussies, lowered testosterone levels, and heightened serum cortisol levels in his wake. As such, he can go fuck himself.

His mystery is exceeded only by his lack of power.

2) He’s completely preoccupied with genetics. McRobert has espoused that everyone train within their genetic potential for the entirety of his career. There are some obvious problems with this approach- namely, it automatically sets arbitrary limits and assumes failure, fails to give an adequate standard by which one could gauge one’s level of genetic fitness for bodybuilding, predicates his approach on a system of somatotyping that was abandoned and ridiculed by every single accredited person in the medical community decades ago, and apparently never heard of the idea that ontogenic adaptation and evolution occurs. Thus, he’s either willfully ignorant of reality, or is deliberately utilizing the public forum he has built to deliberately mislead people. He should begin fucking himself, stat.

THAT is bad genetics.

3) He coined the term “hardgainer.” Though he coined this term, he at no point demonstrated conclusively a manner by which one could objectively determine one’s self to be one, thereby creating legions of pasty-faced assholes who will blather on about being hardgainers simply because they’ve never trained hard a day in their lives, their diets suck shit, they don’t squat or deadlift, and they think a workout routine consists of milling about Nautilus equipment for 45 minutes a day, three times a week. McRobert and his legions of hardgainers can go fuck themselves- they’re pussies though, so it won’t be the epic, Max Hardcore fucking they deserve.

Possible hardgainer, though he probably just needs to eat more calories and fucking squat, already. Kind of looks like a black Michael Jackson, now that I really look at him.

4) He espouses safe training. What the fuck should be safe about training? If one’s life is not in imminent peril, where’s one’s motivation to lift a given weight? Furthermore, what the fuck is fun about being safe? What kid likes to wear a helmet when he rides a bike? What person likes to drive at or below the posted speed limit? What person likes watered-down alcohol? What person wants to box their friends wearing adequate protective gear? I’ll tell you who- desperately boring, testosterone-deficient, slack-jawed pussies who fear innovation, vibrance, and anything interesting, and who wouldn’t know a good time if ten topless, big-tittied sluts in micro-mini jean skirts awakened them from a dead sleep with the promise of 6 weeks of nonstop oral pleasure and drunken fisticuffs. The type of person who’s favorite color is beige and thinks that Barry Manilow is acceptable music to fuel a lifting session. You know who doesn’t like safe training? Anyone who wants to win a lifting competition, succeed in life, snap necks and cash checks, bend a chick over the counter at Denny’s in front of a bevy of startled onlookers and then smile for the cameraphones clicking away while wondering the name of the chick he’s penetrating. Angry, misanthropic, tattooed and goateed people who think that Godsmack is easy-listening music and who could total elite without gear, half asleep, and recovering from the flu, that’s who. Both safety and Stuart McRobert can go fuck themselves.

A Public Service Announcement from Chuck Zito: "FUCK SAFETY. That is all."

5) He’s evidently never heard of the Bulgarian Olympic Weightlifting Team. McRobert’s posted a “Ten Commandments” online, ostensibly to further fuck with the hearts and minds of bodybuilding aficionados everywhere, in which three of his commandments are “Weight train no more than three times a week”, “Don't skimp on warmup sets”, and “Do no more than 20 work sets per workout (not per body part, per workout!).” Bereft of explanation, these statements hardly require any, as any attempt at elucidation would only highlight further his myriad shortcomings and illogic. As anyone who lifts knows the Bulgarians are all brutally strong, Olympic Gold medal snatching, muscular motherfuckers from a nation so shit-poor and awful that in spite of the fact that it’s located right next to the ├╝ber-shithole Turkey, its population is actually decreasing as its population goes anywhere else. The Bulgarians are hardly known for being a physically powerful people, yet in spite of their seeming genetic shortfall, they’ve amassed huge numbers of Olympic medals by virtue of the fact that they train harder than everyone. Bulgarians train 6 days a week, for 6 to 8 hours a day, most of which is 85% of their one rep max or greater. Thus, they’re doing “unsafe” exercises with hideously “unsafe” weights, for exponentially greater amounts of time than the wise Mr. McRobert suggests. Furthermore, according to Leo Costa, they barely warm up at all. Thus, they are living proof that McRobert is a pussy, and he should go fuck himself.

Ivan Stoitsov wakes up in the morning and pisses excellence. 77kg lifter who is ripped to fucking pieces and totals 368kg, all from training a mere 40 hours a week.

6) HE HAS HORRIFYINGLY LOW STANDARDS. He thinks that a man of average height (which we’ll assume is 5’10”), at “"just" 190 pounds and 10% bodyfat will drop the jaws of almost everyone,” and that such a physique “would have won you big contests 40+ years ago.” This statement is patently absurd, for a wide variety of reasons. First, bodybuilders of the 1980s and 1990s were, by and large, well over 190 lbs, with the exception of perhaps Flavio Baccianini. He was practically a fucking midget however, so that hardly counts. Second, 10% bodyfat, for anyone under 280 lbs, is hardly impressive. Thus, McRobert sets the bar low and encourages his trainees to aim lower, due to their genetics. Stuart McRobert and genetics can go fuck themselves.

Yeah. I can't wait to look like this, Stewie. Behold the face of 10% bodyfat.

7) HIS DIET ADVICE BLOWS. McRobert advocates the consumption of less than one gram of protein per pound of bodyweight. Given that most paleolithic dieting authors, who are hardly bodybuilding enthusiasts, advocate protein consumption in excess of this, McRobert is an ass. If humans in the wild readily consume up to 65% (according to Loren Codain) of their daily calories in the form of protein, it stands to reason that modern trainees should do, at the very least, the same. Apparently, McRobert thinks that he knows better, in spite of the fact that he couldn’t match any Paleolithic human in any contest of strength or endurance. I’m sure there’s a bisexual Paleolithic man somewhere on the planet who wouldn’t mind helping ol’ Stu go fuck himself.

They ate more than a gram of protein per lb of bodyweight a day, and all they got was a ripped six pack.

8) He espouses amusingly infrequent training. McRobert actually typed the following words: “While it seems to be easier, at least for some people, to build strength on infrequent training schedules where a given exercise or bodypart is trained less often than once a week, many people seem to need a bit more frequency-twice every 7-10 days or so per bodypart, though not necessarily the same frequency for each area-in order to produce muscle growth.” That just happened. Who get better at something by doing less of it? The answer: NO-FUCKING-ONE. If you think HIT is the answer, it’s because you’re less of a man than RuPaul and you think that training might give you ugly, big muscles. You shouldn’t be reading this site- you should be on an anorexic-friendly site wherein everyone cheers you on while you starve yourself. No one has ever gotten better or bigger by doing less of anything, unless you’re a circus fat man or you were doing way too much of the wrong fucking thing, and you started doing the right thing. McRobert and infrequent training advocates can go fuck themselves ever 7-10 days. Fucking retards.

He got this shitty physique by training an hour and a half a month, then blogged about it. his parents must fucking hate him. I know I do.

9) He thinks you’re as big a pussy as he is. McRobert recommends you eschew singles, doubles, and triples, because you might get hurt! God forfuckingbid you get stronger, but you might hurt yourself in the process. Apparently having never even heard of the stock market, or being a sole advocate of low risk/low yield mutual funds, McRobert thinks that lifting like the biggest pussy of all time will make you slightly stronger, very slowly. While he’s very slowly getting stronger, he can very slowly ease his own cock into his ass and go fuck himself. No fucking risk, no goddamned reward. Go big, or get the fuck out of the gym and let the men handle the lifting.

Shit happens.

10) HE CLAIMS YOU SHOULD ONLY DEADLIFT WITH A FLAT BACK. Oh yeah? Ever seen Andy Bolton dead 1000+? I have, and the very last thing that was employed was a flat back. Certainly, in training, it’s something to which one should aspire, but when you’re busting ass, Brooks Kubik and Andy Bolton both agree- GET THE FUCKING WEIGHT OFF THE GROUND, AND FUCK YOUR LOWER BACK. McRobert and his bitch-ass lower back can go fuck themselves. Kubik cited John Jesse 's book, "The Wrestling Physical Conditioning Enclyclopedia" that "“The use of heavy sandbags and their large circumference forces the lifter to do his lifting with a round back instead of the traditional straight back lifting with a barbell. It is this type of lifting that truly develops a strong back. It develops the back and side muscles in movements that are identical to the lifting and pulling movements of wrestling.”

Looks like round-back lifting +1003 lbs = world fucking record.

If you found this article offensive, feel free to go fuck yourself. You probably lack the mental acuity to understand the points I’ve made, the courage to anally rape yourself, or the strength to take yourself by force, but I still wholeheartedly encourage you to fuck yourself good and hard. Just be careful to make it an abbreviated session, as you wouldn’t want to overtrain.

11 December 2009

*Fuck the USDA, Part Zwei

In our last installment of this exciting feature, I covered the foundation of the C&P diet, meat, followed by the venerable and ubiquitous, irreplaceable protein supplements that are meat's constant companion. I will now attempt to knock out the rest of the pyramid, time permitting.

Eat them. I don't fucking care if you don't like them- that's completely immaterial. The Brassica family(Broccoli, kale, mustards, brussel sprouts, bok choi, and cauliflower, etc) are the kings of veggies, due to the fact that they're anti-estrogenic (the chemicals produced when indole-3-carbinol reacts with stomach acid are the ones responsible for the anti-estrogen), anti-cancer, fiber-rich, and protein-rich badasses of the veggie family. If there's such a thing as a manly vegetable goup, that's it. Cucumber is a good idea if you suffer from acid reflux, as it alkalizes your system and is a superfood in the eyes of Henry Bieler M.D., author of Food is Your Best Medicine. Other than that, you really can't go wrong with vegetables, but the Brassica family, in all of it's estrogen-battling glory, should be the mainstay of your diet. As I've stated before, fiber is a BIG hole in the diets of most people, and our RDA of fiber is still one fifth of that of Paleolithic people, so the Brassica family makes great strides in closing that gap, since half of the carbs in most of the members of that family are fiber. I don't know about you, but shitting is one of the highlights of my day, so I'm all about my fiber.

You'll note a corresponding lack of fruit in my diet. I'm not really anti-fruit. I love blueberries in particular, but I don't eat much in the way of them. Nutritionally, berries are the best of the bunch, but they're still high in sugar. I've recently been questioned about my "hatred for fruit", and my insistence that fruit could potentially derail fat loss efforts have been met with incredulity, but there's science backing this contention.
"Research from the National Institute on Aging (NIA) in Baltimore, Maryland, shows fructose is more lipogenic (fat forming) than any other sugar or starch. It also causes greater elevations in blood fats (triglycerides and cholesterol) than other carbohydrates. Excess fructose consumption has resulted in increases in blood pressure, uric acid, and lactic acid. Research shows that those suffering from high blood pressure, high insulin, high triglycerides, non insulin-dependent diabetes, and postmenopausal women are more susceptible to the negative affects of fructose than other individuals. "
See, fuckers? In addition to berries, if you absolutely must eat fruit, make it non-tropical fruit like apples, unless it's enzymatically rich fruit that accompanies a heavy protein meal, like papaya or pineapple.

Stimulants and Testosterone Boosters:

I love them. You should, too. Stimulants have been shown, definitively, to improve sports performance, mental focus, and energy levels. Additionally, they cause your body to release noradrenaline, which stimulates the receptors in your fat cells to metabolize all of that nasty fat that's the result of late night beer and pizza smorgasbords(three hour cheat windows notwithstanding).

The use of caffeine to improve sports performance may date as far back as the initial consumption of berries containing methylxanthines. Many studies have been conducted supporting caffeine's use in sport, and bodybuilding.com offered this little nugget, as I am nowhere near my notecards containing my research and want to knock this blog the fuck out today:
A recent review published by the International Coffee Organization states that caffeine at levels found in one cup of coffee which is usually around 150 grams of caffeine may be able to both reduce the sensation of fatigue as well as enhance exercise performance.
The most recent review (Doherty and Smith 2004) looked at 39 published studies. Of these, involved endurance exercise, some used short duration and high-intensity exercise and the other remaining used a graded exercise test.
Including all the data, caffeine improved performance by 12.4%, relative to the placebo trials. This was shown to greatest effect in those who undertook exercise for a longer duration at any one time.(1)

Caffeine and other stimulants have also been used for centuries to improve mental acuity. Though you might think that the use of No-Doz to kick the fuck out of your physics final is a relatively new phenomenon, it is in fact as old as the hills. In fact, caffeine's been used since the Stone Age, and a 1916 lawsuit, The United States v. Forty Barrels and Twenty Kegs of Coca-Cola claimed that the excessive caffeine in Coke at a college for chicks turned them into "wild nocturnal freaks, [and led to] violations of college rules and female proprieties, and even immoralities." Yes, caffeine is the tits. Studies have shown that in vitro application of caffeine to rat neurons led to 33% growth in their dendratic spines and the formation of new spines as well, though this growth only lasted two hours. Caffeine has also been definitively shown to increase activity in the frontal lobe and the anterior cingulate cortex, which improves both short term memory and attention span. Thus, you should include caffeine, at the very least, in your daily supplement regime. Added to ephedrine, aspirin, and yohimbe, as I detailed here, it's a fat-annihilating vortex of thermogenic awesomeness that makes Lipo-6 look like a jelly donut from Krispy Kreme by comparison.

Simply adorable.

Test Boosters:
If there's one thing that the world needs more of at this point, it's testosterone. Well, testosterone and dogs. There could stand to be more dogs as well, since dogs fucking rule as much or more than testosterone. In any event, with the cornucopia of phyto- and xenoestrogens to which we're constantly exposed, the world is seeing a spate of slutty little girls with tits, fat men with tits, small cocks, and generally a display of pussiness never before withnessed in the world outside of a eunuch convention. Actually, fuck that- I can think of one or two historical eunuchs (Gang Bing and Narses imediately spring to mind) who were more of a man than metrosexual fucktards like our favorite plagiarizer, Nate Green.

Asians and their soy. Will they never learn?

In any event, test boosters of one form or another are a good idea- they'll help you drop fat, gain muscle, and fuck like a porn star. There are essentially three ways to go about this, which I've detailed at length in past blogs, here and here. You can boost test with LH-enhancing shit like tribulus terrestris and longjack, or replace it with prohormones/designer steroids/steroids. It's up to you which one you do, just make sure you do one or the other, and follow my suggestions for using environmental triggers to jack up your T as well. If you're going to go the prohormone/designer steroid route, I highly recommend the following:
  • Methyl Mass/Propadrol- This will lean you out and give you massive, raging, cervix-destroying hardons.
  • Rage RV5- Superdrol by another name
  • Spawn- Apparently the sustanon of methylated prohormones. Death to your liver, but you'll get your swole on
  • Finaflex- To my understanding, this is Superdrol mixed with Tren. Say goodbye liver, hello big fucking squat!
* Of these, my knowledge of all but Methyl Mass is anecdotal. I've only tried that, but I know a lot of big, strong guys on the others. As with all prohormones, double the recommended dose for the best results.

You can get all or some of those at Nutrition Warehouse in Columbia, SC, or online here. If you happen to go in there, pick Spud's brain about training and diet- he's the fucking man when it comes to powerlifting (WPO world record holder in the squat) and bodybuilding.

Spud will eat your children.

In my opinion, there's one multi on the planet you should take: Animal Pak. It megadoses the shit out of everything you need, throws in a bunch of shit that's of dubious utility but couldn't hurt, and has helped me keep my antioxident levels in the "Holy Fuck, you just broke my antioxidant reader" range during extended periods of ketosis. it is, in short, the bomb. If you're not feeling the price, get a cheaper multi that still megadoses your antioxidants, like the Vitamin Shoppe brand or GNC's Mega Man. The key to discerning whether or not it's a good vitamin is whether or not it smells badly enough to take paint off the walls. If it does, it's good stuff. If not, it's too tightly compressed to be digestible. You can also test them by dropping a tab or two into some Apple Cider Vinegar, which bears the same pH level as your stomach.

Some people might contend that the multi is unnecessary. Sure it is, if you've got the tightest, most complete diet of all time. The builders at Baalbek would have contended that one needn't use mortar to create lasting stone architecture as well. Well, my diet's macros are tight, but my micros are lacking, and the multi is the mortar that holds the who fucking thing altogether. I'm betting you're more like me than Paul Chek, so just buy some Animal Pak, then have a Coke and a smile and shut the fuck up.

Part Drei of Fuck the USDA will be a lengthy rant about the other assorted nonsense sold in healthfood stores, some of which is useful, and some which is not. It'll be one angry fucking post, though, so strap on your jock and your hard hat for that one.

Nate Green's ready for it, obviously.

  1. Schultz, Curtis. "Want a Cup of Coffee? See What Coffee Can Do For Your Training!" http://www.bodybuilding.com/fun/schultz71.htm

10 December 2009

*Nate Green... I Knew He Was a Douche, but A Copycat, too?


I apologize, my fuckers, for the long delay in posting. I shall be posting a bevy of beautiful, badass blogs befitting a brainy behemouth such as myself soon. This one's getting posted out of order, as I've been working on three that are post-dated, but I had to jump on this as soon as I saw it.

Ever heard of Nate Green? He's a T-Nation author and has penned a spectacularly douchey book about lifting weights so you can pull hoes in the club- kind of a cross between the Game and some Men's Fitness Book. He's got a new article up on T-Nation, and after reading it and marveling at the fact that he's a professional author, I clicked the link to his blog, scrolled down, and discovered that not only does Nate Green read my blog, he cuts and and pastes it into his own as well, hahahaha. Last March, I posted a blog entitled "Yo Dog! I Wanna Look Like You. What Supplements Do You Take?" Nate must have loved it, because he rewrote it, badly, and turned it into a massive plug for shitty Biotest products that would only be purchased by people with far more money than they have good sense.

He looks like a gay Neil Patrick Harris. Except that NPH is gay, yet looks more manly.

Want some highlights?

I posted:
"Certainly, one of the most annoying questions ever posed to me by strangers is this: "What supplements do you take?" Not "Damn, bro, what kind of program are you on?" or "How many times a week do you squat?" or "what program will work best for me?" Instead, it's "what supplements do I need to take to grow/shred/whatever." It's a fucking disgrace. Supplements hone a physique, polish a physique, and assist your training. they are not the end all, be all."

He posted:
""Don't fucking worry about it right now. Follow a program, train consistently, eat good quality food, drink water, and get some sleep. Do that for a year or so and then come talk to me about supplements."

Sure, it's not the nicest response but what's a guy to do when he's asked by tons of beginners who are looking for the next "get-jacked-in-four-days-using-fucking-Acai-berry" pills?"

I recommended the following:
Greens- They help alkalize my pH, since my diet is so acidic, and my workouts are so brutal.
Psyllium Husk- Paleolithic people got 100-150 grams of fiber a day. I'm not trying to hit that number, but I want to get at least 50g a day for the health of my digestive tract.
Probiotics & Digestive Enzymes- Also great for keeping the digestive tract healthy, especially given the ridiculously high amounts of protein I consume.
Dessicated Liver- Filled with B-vitamins, and it covers the paucity of organ meats in my diet.
Milk Thistle- Cleanse the liver from binge drinking and supplement usage.
Animal Pak multivitamins- Best. Multi. Ever.
Omega 3 Fatty Acids- I don't eat fish, so I take this for leaning out and mental function.
Adrenal Caps- Help the adrenal glands recover from stimulant usage.
Mixed protein powder- I like the slow-acting blends because they leave me less hungry. Big fan of Matrix 5.0's Cookies n Cream.
Whey protein powder- I have whey for post workout, and it's a cheap way to bang back some protein.
Ultramet- I love this MRP, and it's a great way to get protein, fiber, and MCT.
ECA stack (ephedrine/caffeine/aspirin), or the ECY stack- Best way to get lean. Without question.
Redline Extreme- Huge fan of it as a preworkout boost, especially stacked with 25 mg of ephedrine. It's got a decent amount of Beta-Alanine in it as well, which helps with the vascularity and the pump a bit.
Oh Yeah and Supreme Protein Bars (the Almond Fudge Brownie and Peanut Butter Caramel flavors, respectively)- Great way to get a portable 30g of protein that taste good.

He recommended:
Protein Powder

Fish Oil

Concentrated Vietnamese Goat Liver
HIS JOKE SUPPLEMENT WAS EVEN FROM MY LIST. Holy fucking hell, folks, we have a winner on our hands! In a blog a couple of days before, he also espoused the use of fiber supps and digestive enzymes, which I also conveniently listed AT THE BEGINNING OF MY LIST. That he aped both my writing style, the order in which I addressed them, and mocked dessicated liver is astonishing and disheartening, given that he's 150 lbs of manscaped douche, and I'm 190+ lbs of brutal fucking midget.
Viking style.
Previously, I found Green distasteful simply because he lifts weights solely as a means by which to pick up chicks. He does this, presumably, because he's never had an original thought in his head and is probably a horrifically boring conversationalist as a result. Unless, of course, you feel like talking about Biotest, trendy clothing, or the best way to pluck your eyebrows to look manly, yet alluring. Now I find him to be even less original and more of a douche, which is shocking given the fact that he maxed out my douche-o-meter with his book.

Did I mention that he is a regular twatter? Ave fucking maria.

Since he's ripped me off, I suppose I should do the same in turn. How about some fashion advice?

Here's how I dress, nearly every day:

Baseball cap from Target

Camo shorts or jeans, also from Target

Death metal band tshirt, preferably with the sleeves removed

Vans or Nike Frees

The total cost of this outfit is likely less than half of what Nate Green's jeans cost, which is nice, because I can look like I ate sheet metal for breakfast, comfortably lift in my street clothes when the weather's nice (I NEVER lift in jeans, unless it's to prove a point to Mike Barcelone at Iron Sport), and still have a shitload of money left over for wings, Diet Coke, and my biweekly trip to the movies. Plus, chicks dig it, it's comfortable, and it's metal as fuck. There's my fashion advice. You love it.

Do me a favor and slap the fuck out of some manscaped douche at the gym today. Make the world a better place and get them the fuck out of our gyms.

Nate Green might be from Jersey.