31 March 2009

*Blasting, Shocking, and Shredding Your Muscles. What a Dumb Fucking Concept.

In the history of humankind, nothing whatsoever has been built by utilizing any strategy employing the above verbs. Whenever humans have blasted, bombed, confused, or scorched anything, only death and destruction resulted. No fantastic city was immediately forged from the rubble, and if a city was built on the rubble, it typically lacked the flair of the original and began to resemble every institutional architecture extant at the time. Witness Tokyo. Prior to its astonishing amount of firebombing by Allied forces, Tokyo was a beautiful city with a lot of rich architecture, including a hotel designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. Pretty cool, eh? Tokyo was rebuilt after WW2, it lost all of its flair, and looked just like every other shitty 1950s city. Why then, would one apply those philosophies to building muscle? Do you really think that it's necessary to "bomb" and "blast" and "shock" your muscles into growth? Is declaring war on your musculature going to produce the results you want? I've been to a lot of bodybuilding shows, and I can honestly say that there are few bodybuilders who stand out as interesting to look at. They all employ the same techniques, take the same drugs, and achieve the same results.
They all look exactly the same. Exactly.

I propose something different, and something eminently more satisfying. Rather than declaring war, in essence, on yourself, declare war on the weights. I take shit from no motherfucking weights. Every time I set foot in the gym, it's a fucking battle royale, and I usually come out on top. I might have an off day, but I never walk around asking my friends stupid fucking questions like "Do I look small, bro?", which never fails to annoy the shit out of those around you and make you look like an attention seeking retard. If you're rocking and shocking the weights, rather than your muscles, you know you own shit every time you enter the gym, and that you are the fucking master of your domain. Additionally, you'll marshal your forces against a common enemy (your muscles against the weights, retard), which will ever fail to achieve success, though it is a war of attrition at times. Viewing lifting like a war on your muscles is ridiculous, since it makes you think of your own bodyparts as the enemy, which turns your aggression and negativity inward, rather than outward, against the weights. Chase the weights, rather than the muscle, and the muscle will come. You'll also be super fucking strong to boot. Finally, by chasing the weights, rather than the muscle, you'll play to your own strengths, creating a physique unique to you, rather than a cookie cutter physique that looks like every other asshole on Earth who wants to look like Ronnie or Arnold. Instead, channel your inner Pudz, or Poundstone, or Kroc, or
Rezazadeh, and get your physique to the extreme it can achieve while maintaining its individuality, your pride (ecause you'll be as strong as your fucking look), and your sanity.
Now stop reading shit online and go be superhuman, motherfucker.

PS- You can't confuse a muscle. It's got no brain. Food for thought.

Now playing: Emmure - Rough Justice
via FoxyTunes

28 March 2009

**Baddest Motherfuckers Ever #2- Mariusz Pudzianowski

Mariusz Pudzianowski ripped through his mother's stomach to spit on the puny humans populating the Earth in 1977. Since then, he has cured cancer, kicked the fuck out a vast array of Polish badasses, and dominated the World's Strongest Man competition, winning it a record five times.
Pudz began lifting at age thirteen, apparently uncontent with merely being the baddest motherfucker in Poland, and set his sights on being the baddest motherfucker in the universe. After trying his hand at Kyokushin Karate (the founder of which, Mas Oyama will be the subject of a future BME post) and getting a green belt, Pudz turned to pro boxing and then strongman.

Pudz credits his physique to a couple of lbs of chocolate and bacon a day, which is obviously total horseshit, and has cited malted milk as a major secret behind his success as another. Clearly, he doesn't want his competition horning in on his action, what with him being the strongest and leanest motherfucker on Earth. He definitely eats a shitload of meat, by all accounts, and clocks around 7-8000 calories a day.

Why eat that much? Because he fucking trains 3-6 hours a day in lifting, swimming, and karate. His lifting routines mostly focus on the core lifts, deads, squats, military presses, and the strongman events, and he loves running around while carrying a 200 lb sandbag. Overtraining is his punk bitch. This motherfucker trains until his eyes bleed, which leads to super leanness and 5 WSM golds.

According to Steve Kirit:

He informed me that he lifts everyday in his off-season before he starts serious training. He squats one day, deadlifts the next, front squats the next day, then back to squatting again. He trains his shoulders by doing behind the neck jerks where he works on speed and explosiveness, three times a week. On Wednesday he started with push jerks, working up to 405 for a very easy and fast two reps. He then squatted, high bar, Olympic style up to two easy, quick sets of 585 for three reps. Mariusz stresses proper form and technique at all times. He never sacrifices technique for more weight, ever, he says. He then did seated dumbell presses with us; 120 pounds, for ten repetitions, for five sets. I must inform you that this workout was all being done at a very fast pace. Next was curls, five sets of ten reps done on a straight bar with 135, then twenty minutes straight of abdominal work. Steve Macdonald and I were huffing and puffing trying to keep up with the weights used and the vigorous pace being set by the champ.

The workout Thursday did not prove to be any more restful for Macdonald and I. Try to read this remembering this was all done in a 90 minute session (Mariusz had a plane to catch).

10 sets 7-10 pull-ups, and chin-ups, 5 sets of 10 lat pull-downs, 5 sets of 10 lat rows, 5 sets of 6-10 good mornings, 5 sets of ten standing triceps skull-crushers (with 155), 5 sets of ten triceps push-downs, 5 sets of deadlifting (he worked up to 655 for a few). During this whole workout, Mariusz never took a break, and never got winded. If we started talking or carrying on he would throw up his arms and say..."train! train!"

The next day, he would be in Atlanta, where he said he would do another workout that included front squats. Macdonald and I just looked at each other and shook our heads. This is not a regimen many could follow; yet it is merely how Mariusz works out to stay in shape while he is on the road.

According to another source, here's a sample routine:

Mariusz Pudzianowski's Sample Training Cycle

Mariusz trains twice a day, five days a week. Below you'll find a sample workout routine as well as the loads used for various exercises.

Python's Training
Morning Gym Session (9.00)

Back Squat
Warm-up: 8 sets, pyramiding from 60 to 160kg
Work sets: pyramiding from 160 to 280kg, reps going from 6 down to 2
Mariusz performs his squats olympic-style, he uses knee wraps and a belt.

Leg Curl (for hamstrings)
6 sets of 20 reps

Leg Extension (for quads)
6 sets of 20 reps

Pull Up
6 sets of 15 reps

Chin Up
6 sets of 10 reps

Behind-the-neck Pulldowns
4 sets of 15 reps

Barbell Rows
4 sets of 15 reps

Abs: 6 sets of 30 reps
exercises used (haging leg raise, bends, various)

Afternoon Event Training (19.00) with Strongman Equipment

Sandbag Carry (130kg on back)
3 times 170 meters

Conan's Wheel - 290kg
3 times 2.5 revolutions

Tire Flip
3 sets of 10 flips

Morning Gym Session (9.00)

Front Squats
work up to 250

Calf Work
6 sets of 15 reps

Standing Military Press
Warm-up sets - 7 sets of 60 to 100kg
Work sets - 6 sets pyramiding up from 110, 120, 130, 140kg for 5-4 reps

Warm-up sets - 6 with 200kg
Work sets - work up to 300kg

Good Mornings
8 sets with 100kg

Afternoon Session (19.00)
Bushman's Walk
300 kg 3 x 15 meters

Presses with Machine Used in Competition
3 sets of 10 reps with 120kg

Parallel Crucifix
Hold 40kg weights for 30 seconds

Morning Gym Session (9.00)

Bench Press
Warm-up sets - work up to 180kg in 8 sets
Work sets - work up from 150kg to 220kg, going from 8 down to 2 reps

Barbell Extensions: work up to 80kg

Standing French Press

Afternoon (19.00)
Same as Monday plus powerstairs and so called parallel stairs

These are just excerpts of Mariusz's training program. Each of his training sessions is precluded by 15-min of skipping rope (of course, he used to be a boxer). He finishes every workout with abdominal work. On top of all this, there is twice-a-week karate practice and recovery work which includes swimming. (...). You can also find Mariusz doing his medium-distance runs.

So, there you have it. To be a bad motherfucker, you have to train like one. Pudz is 6'1" and weighs between 290 and 315, lean as shit, and smokes the fuck out of everyone on the Strongman circuit. He trains like a beast, so he IS a fucking beast.

By the way, since Mariusz is unhappy with his level of TOTAL dominance in the strength world, he has signed with the UFC and will be fighting later this year in that organization.

Now, go be a fucking BEAST.


Training with Mariusz Pudzianowski by: 2x American Champion Steve Kirit

Mariusz Pudzianowski

Mariusz Pudzianowski's Training Cycle

Now playing:
Arsonists Get All the Girls - Red Meat & Big Trucks
via FoxyTunes

*What Pumps YOU the fuck up?

Even relaxed between sets, I look ready to eat nails and shit bullets.

I've always been amused by the fact that people are generally afraid of me. It's not as though I run about knocking down old ladies and stabbing random passers-by. One of my mom's friends, however, literally RUNS from the room when i enter. Apparently it's due to my massive red aura, which scares the shit out of the sheeple who will eventually become one of the Eloi in the future. So I'm a Morlock... fuck it. Anyway, this effect is even pronounced in the gym, where one would think I'd fit right in. Apparently not, however, as I find myself lifting with a fair amount of personal space, in spite of my occasional head nod or "what's up" to the people around me. Today, however, it hit me. no one comes near me because I'm so fucking pumped up when I'm in the gym, they can't tell whether I'm going to destroy more of my prs or just the building around me. I take my general attitude and air of intensity and increase it until it's a palpable, living thing.

I've seen other guys get "pumped" in the gym. It generally involves a lot of yelling and chest slapping. I'm a bit quieter, and do a lot of pacing and glaring at the weights, like I'm challenging them to defy me. Maybe that's what I'm doing, but I guarantee you, I take no shit from a fucking pile of plates.

So, how do I get PUMPED THE FUCK UP?!?!
A good question, to be sure, and one that I'm sure varies between individuals. i can tell you, however, what has worked for me over the years. Here's a fairly comprehensive list:
  • music
  • movies
  • books
  • comics
  • physique pics
MUSIC- This is something I fucking swear by, and will occasionally not even bother to lift if I cannot listen to my ipod while doing so. There have been numerous studies done on the effects of music on blood pressure, heart rate, and athletic performance datingback to the late 1920s, and they all show that music definitely has an effect on athletic performance, but many of them show differing effects. I would contend that this would be due to the fact that (SURPRISE, YOU FUCKING RETARDS) not everyone LIKES THE SAME KIND OF FUCKING MUSIC! Christ. You'd think neurologists would be intelligent enough to figure that out, but apparently the concept of differing tastes eludes their weighty grey matter. I personally stick entirely to metal and hardcore, making sure that there are heavy, heavy breakdowns in all of the songs for me to do singles to, and lyrics that fire me the fuck up. Misericordiam has a song in which the closing breakdown is "I'M FUCKING UNSTOPPABLE. UN.STOP.PABLE." That, my friends, is the purest essence of brutality, and I only use that song in extreme emergencies, like squat or deadlift PRs. Pick a style of music you love, and that gets you psyched, and use it. I caution you however, with a bit of my own superstition in this matter- do not listen to these songs regularly outside the gym. Somehow, I feel like this palpably reduces their effectiveness, perhaps by diluting the adrenaline rush you get from hearing a truly brutal song. Additionally, if you have the dough, I recommend having separate lifting and kicking it iPods, as it reduces the amount of time and effort you have to spend loading shit on your iPod every day, and it allows you a backup iPod and headphones if you smash yours in the gym (which you will, invariably, do).
I Declare War is so fucking brutal that I even have their cover of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on my lifting iPod.

MOVIES- Also effective, albeit to a lesser extent, since you can't watch them in the gym. Or rather, you shouldn't. Don't be that fucking douche in the gym dicking with his iPhone in between sets. I used to watch Pumping Iron every day before the gym. It was effective for bodybuilding, I guess. I'll occassionally watch vids of Pudz lifting before hitting the weights now, but it's rare. I have to really be dreading the gym to resort to this.

BOOKS- This can be training books, books on old-school lifters (like Willoughby's Super-Athletes), or novels. I've used all three for different reasons. I've used training books and mags for workout ideas and benchmarks for weights I should try to hit, books on lifters for benchmarks and just general inspiration, and novels for general pumpitude (like Fire at the Gates, which gets me fired the fuck up). All can be effective for setting the mood.

COMICS- Every now and again I'll run across a comic that will get me pumped up. Usually it's a Punisher comic for me, but it takes all kinds, kind of like music. If you find yourself stimulated by Archie, Ziggy, or Family Circus, please do us all a favor and kill yourself immediately. Thank you.
How could a jacked dude slaughtering people by the bushel not fire you the fuck up?

PHYSIQUE PICS- Seems a bit on the gay side, but it can be effective, especially when dieting hard. I had a google dashboard slide show of various physiques I was trying to emulate going 24-7 to keep me on the straight and narrow for a while. I know guys who use pics like that to pump them up for lifting as well, but I don't give a fuck about being pretty in the gym- I want to be a brutally strong motherfucker, and nothing else.

Well, there you go, my fuckers. That's how I end up looking like a caged animal in the gym, growling along with the music on my iPod and generally getting avoided by everyone while lifting prodigeous amounts of weight. A word, however, on being a badass in the gym- don't act like an asshole. No Branch Warren displays of tossing barbells about the gym like a fucking tool, and please keep the bellowing while doing curls to a minimum. If your physique is worth looking at, people will note that fact without the aid of your "look at me!" yells.

Do not demand what you cannot take by force.

Now playing: Ripped Off Face - White Collar Boxer
via FoxyTunes

24 March 2009

*Why HIT Is Total Fucking Horseshit, Part 1

To begin, I believe that everyone is a highly unique individual, with varying work capacities and biological composition. This belief is founded in a great deal of science, ranging from the work of Roger Williams in "Biochemical Individuality" to a variety of other authors and anecdotal evidence, including my own experience. Mike Mentzer, however, thought that every single person is like a cog in some massive machine, and that human beings are essentially mass-produced organic machines, with interchangeable parts and identical biological functions and structures.

He was dead fucking wrong.

Everyone starts out with a VERY DIFFERENT work capacity based on a combination of nature and nurture, namely, how good their genetics are and how useful their parents were in raising a young Teddy Roosevelt.
TR, clearly about to stomp throats because he spotted a pussy in the crowd at his inauguration.

Your genetic capacity is based on a variety of things (don't even come at me with the fucking somatotypes horseshit, as it's been addressed, and bodybuilders are the only ones who think that theory holds any stock whatsoever anymore) ranging from the size and arrangement of your internal organs to the composition of your muscle fibers.

Now, before you consign yourself to "hardgainer" status, note that you can change your body's ability to metabolize both nutrients and wastes, in addition to the number of mitochondria in your muscle cells, the thickness of the muscle fibers, and the thickness of your muscle attachments through a combination of good diet and extremely hard training. Additionally, one's capacity to handle hard exercise actually improves over time, so the more you do, the more you'll be able to do in the future.

Want proof? How about the fact that Lance Armstrong is able to still draw breath? By HIT's concepts, he should be dead by now. In fact, he should be deader than Mentzer's dumb ass.
Amazingly, healthy enough to compete in multiple endurance sports AND bang busloads of hot sluts with Matt McConaughey. I fail to recall any tales of any such exploits by Mentzer. Hell, I fail to recall any tales of Mentzer either getting ass or being pleasant to anyone around him.

So, what was the nonsense Mentzer preached?

Mike Mentzer, for those of you who don't know, was a bodybuilder in the 1970s and 1980s who pimped Arthur Jones's Nautilus equipment and trained according to Jones's philosophies of tremendously short, brutally hard workouts. Jones himself was a tiny guy, with no appreciable muscle mass and no definable reason for believing that his system was the best, save for the fact that he apparently hated working out.
Underwhelmed? Me too.

Jones took under his wing two up-and-coming bodybuilders, Casey Viator and Mike Mentzer. Viator won the Teen USA, Junior America, and Mr. America all in the same year, 1971, and later went on to take 3rd in the 1982 Mr. Olympia, his crowning achievement. For those of you who don't know, 1981-1983 were some of the sorriest years of the Olympia's existance, seeing the crowning of three fairly unimpressive Olympians amid a field of virtual nobodies (though Franco was kind of the shit, he beat a pack of nobodies). Mentzer came up around the same time, and was notable for simultaneously being a speed freak who rarely slept, a genetic freak, and one of the biggest fucking crybabies in any sport ever, while at the same time hilariously espousing a drug-free lifestyle. After losing the 1980 Olympia to Arnold, he quit the sport and began misinterpreting Ayn Rand's Objectivism and applying his inane, drug-crazed ramblings to bodybuilding.

To be continued...

14 March 2009

**Baddest Motherfuckers Ever #1- Maxick

Height: 5'4"
Weight: 147
Neck: 17"
Chest Expanded: 45 1/2"
Upper Arm: 16"
Forearm: 13"
Thigh: 23 1/4"
Calf: 15"

Born Max Sick in Wurtemburg on 28th June 1882, this motherfucker was born a pussy, plagued by lung trouble, rickets and dropsy. Not satisfied with all of the sucking he was doing, Maxick made a concrete dumbbell at age 10, which his dad promptly destroyed. Thereafter, he started flexing his ass off every night before going to bed, inadvertently creating the basis for his proprietary system of isometric and muscle control exercises that later comprised the Maxalding Technique. Part of this system was, and I am not bullshitting you (you can read his book here), is FLEXING ONE SIDE OF YOUR ABS AT A TIME. Not your obliques, but your fucking abdominals. Likewise, flexing individual ROWS of abs. Bizarre. Additionally, Maxick was a bit of a philosopher, making him the badass that Mike Mentzer might have been if he wasn't too busy ripping lines of speed of Ayn Rand booksinstead of reading the books and actually going to the gym.

Like me, he was a fucking midget, though I'm like fucking D-Bo compared to his 5 feet 3 3/4 inches and 145 to 147 pounds. Despite his diminutive size, however, that fucker set records in weightlifting that few heavyweights of his day could equal, and chump most of my lifts.
What did he lift?

According to David Willoughby's "Super Athletes" ( which you should buy if you've got any interest in not sucking at life), the following were done at a body weight that never exceeded 147 pounds:

Right Hand Military Press, 112 pounds ("performed with considerable ease").
Right Hand Snatch, 165 pounds. Right Hand Swing with Dumbbell, 150 pounds.
Right Hand jerk (shouldering the barbell with two hands), 239 pounds in Munich and 240 pounds in Johannesburg.
Two Hands Military Press, 230 pounds (made at a body weight of 145 pounds).
Two Hands Clean and jerk with Barbell, 272 pounds.
Two Hands Continental jerk with Barbell, 322 1/2 pounds in London and 340 pounds in Johannesburg. (In the Two Hands Snatch, he should have been capable of about 215 pounds.)

Of the foregoing lifts the most extraordinary were the one and two hand military presses and the one and two hand jerks.

Maxick's Two Hands Military Press of 230 pounds, which he performed in 1909, would be equivalent today to a lift in the same strict style of about 267 pounds, or to a Two Hands Olympic Press of about 312 pounds That is to say, in pressing power Maxick was the equal, in his day, of any of the light-weight Olympic champion pressers of the present time. In the One Hand Continental jerk, no such comparison can be made, since this style of one-arm lifting is no longer practised. In bringing a barbell "clean" to the shoulders with both hands, Maxick's record of 272 pounds would be equivalent to about 320 pounds today.

This, while a good lift, is a long way below the 360 pounds or more that the best lightweights clean and jerk today. It is rather in the jerk from the shoulders overhead that Maxick is seen to best ad-vantage, and his record of 340 pounds in this movement would be equal to no less than 400 pounds today. This is truly phenomenal lifting. It would appear to surpass by at least 20 pounds the best jerking ability of any present-day lightweight lifter.

On top of all that craziness, in 1913 Maxick:

  1. Competing in something called finger pulling, which I assume had nothing to do with ripping ass, Maxick was "unbeatable," and could pull a 200-pound motherfucker clear across the table that separated them.
  2. He pressed his manager, Tromp van Diggelen (185 pounds), overhead 16 times with his right arm, while HOLDING A FUCKING BEER IN HIS LEFT HAND, AND NEVER SPILLED A GODDAMNED DROP. Why Budweiser hasn't snatched that up and run a commercial using that scenario is retarded and embarrassing to them and marketers as a whole.
  3. Holding van Diggelen aloft on one arm, Maxick ran his crazy ass up two flights of stairs with him and then ran down the two flights. Then, STANDING ON HIS FUCKING HANDS, ran the same stairs again.
  4. At the Carlton Hotel one night, six empty champagne bottles were put before him. Each of these he filled three-quarters full with water (after he faced them, I'm sure) and then, taking bottle after bottle by the neck with his left hand, bitch-slapped the neck with his right like he was Snoop Dogg's uncle whooping the shit out of whore with his shoe, causing the bottom of each bottle to smash out!

If you're reading this, your eyes work, and you can see the dude was fucking ripped. That rippitudinosity stemmed from his "muscle control" system, which essentially consisted of flexing the fuck out of every muscle in his body in a specific order. He got good enough at that silly horseshit that he could make any desired group "dance" in time to music, and even impressed Eugen Sandow with his skill at getting crunk while flexing.

He wasn't a fan of the US, apparently, and peaced out to Argentina to open a couple of gyms. When not teaching people how to be at least a quarter of the awesome that he was, he wandered around in the Amazon, killing shit and generally being a German Teddy Roosevelt.

Maxick dropped dead in Buenos Aires at the age of 80, after a full day of beating the shit out of 200 lb dudes 50 years his junior at arm wrestling and riding his bike all over hell and gone. He was found with a note at his feet that read- "My heart is beating rather slow, I feel extremely cold, I think it will be over soon. Remember the infinite is our inner freedom manifested through the consciousness." Evidently, his heart was beating so slowly that he forgot how to use adverbs. ;)

"There was for me only one thought and one desire- to become strong- and everything else had to bow before this unconditional goal."

"Indeed, the essence of strength does not lie in the muscles, but in thought, just as the strength of a locomotive is found in the steam, rather than the wheels"


Aston, Edward. "Maxick the Superman"
Maxick. "You Are as Strong as You Wish to Be" (which you fuckers should read)
Tyrrell, Russell. "Marvelous Max- The Story of Maxick." From The Iron Master, April 2000.
Webster, David. "The Iron Game." Scotland: Irvine, 1976.
Willoughby, David P. "The Super Athletes." New York: Barnes, 1970.

Now playing: Killwhitneydead - Merry Axemas
via FoxyTunes

10 March 2009

*Yo Dog! I Wanna Look Like You! What Kind of Supplements Do You Take?

Certainly, one of the most annoying questions ever posed to me by strangers is this: "What supplements do you take?" Not "Damn, bro, what kind of program are you on?" or "How many times a week do you squat?" or "what program will work best for me?" Instead, it's "what supplements do I need to take to grow/shred/whatever." It's a fucking disgrace. Supplements hone a physique, polish a physique, and assist your training. they are not the end all, be all.
This douche just needs to lift some weights and not worry about taking Cell-Tech, or whatever else is the supp of the week.

That stated, here's what I take:
Greens- They help alkalize my pH, since my diet is so acidic, and my workouts are so brutal.
Psyllium Husk- Paleolithic people got 100-150 grams of fiber a day. I'm not trying to hit that number, but I want to get at least 50g a day for the health of my digestive tract.
Probiotics & Digestive Enzymes- Also great for keeping the digestive tract healthy, especially given the ridiculously high amounts of protein I consume.
Dessicated Liver- Filled with B-vitamins, and it covers the paucity of organ meats in my diet.
Milk Thistle- Cleanse the liver from binge drinking and supplement usage.
Animal Pak multivitamins- Best. Multi. Ever.
Omega 3 Fatty Acids- I don't eat fish, so I take this for leaning out and mental function.
Adrenal Caps- Help the adrenal glands recover from stimulant usage.
Mixed protein powder- I like the slow-acting blends because they leave me less hungry. Big fan of Matrix 5.0's Cookies n Cream.
Whey protein powder- I have whey for post workout, and it's a cheap way to bang back some protein.
Ultramet- I love this MRP, and it's a great way to get protein, fiber, and MCT.
ECA stack (ephedrine/caffeine/aspirin), or the ECY stack- Best way to get lean. Without question.
Redline Extreme- Huge fan of it as a preworkout boost, especially stacked with 25 mg of ephedrine. It's got a decent amount of Beta-Alanine in it as well, which helps with the vascularity and the pump a bit.
Oh Yeah and Supreme Protein Bars (the Almond Fudge Brownie and Peanut Butter Caramel flavors, respectively)- Great way to get a portable 30g of protein that taste good.

If I were to list the absolute essentials, they'd be Animal Stack, ECA stack, and Mixed Protein powders. I've gotten great results with just them, and they balance out any diet.

Shit I've found to be totally useless-
any MuscleTech product
any product with a name that emulates a steroid
Any non-VPX fatburners that are touted to be as good as the ECA stack.

Supps I like, but don't take regularly-
ALRI's supplements. Good shit.
Cholodrol. It's a halodrol knockoff that is toxic as shit to the liver, but gets you a bit fired up if you double the dose. As the price it costs to double the dose, though, you'd be better off with dbol
Anabolic Extreme makes good stuff as well.

Go lift weights, fuckers, and take some supps with any money you have left, but LIFT HEAVY.
Do it.
Arild Haugen. Huge, ripped, and STRONG AS FUCK.

Now playing: Killwhitneydead - Broken Hearts Don't Hurt As Much As Broken Bones
via FoxyTunes

08 March 2009

*ChAoS and PAIN - The Basics

So, by now, my fuckers, you've gotta be wondering what I'm on about- what C&P is all about. Before I start, anyone reading this who is a Wieder, Mentzer, or Rippetoe mark will scream "Overtraining!" at the top of their lungs, but won't actually run around the room smashing things simply out of fear that the overtraining boogeyman will steal their soul whilst they sleep if they actually lift things or move around when not doing the aforementions' paltry training volume.

To those people- there is absolutely no clearly defined method by which a person can predict their capacity for training, nor is there a set rule for what will always constitute overtraining. One can build their capacity for work to whatever level they so desire, provided they're willing to invest enough time and effort. As the Barbarian Brothers so succinctly stated, "there's no such thing as overtraining, just undereating and undersleeping."

The key tenet of Chaos and Pain is to train as much as you want, but to always be doing something useful. Machine work is rarely useful. Cable work is likewise rarely useful. Sets of 10 to 12 are useless to a degree that I find myself at a loss to articulate- the intensity is too low to produce results in anyone but genetic freaks, and fast twitch muscle fibers rarely get fatigued enough to stimulate growth with that rep scheme, unless you're using massive amounts of forced reps, drop sets, and other ridiculous intensity-raising methods. 5x5 will produce mediocre results for most, but that's inherent in the philosophy, as it's a low risk, low reward sort of enterprise.

On Chaos and Pain, you're going to train a MINIMUM of 5 days a week, if you're going balls out. I've never tried to pack the volume of work I do into less, really. I've had backoff weeks because my legs were cramping like crazy, which reduced my training load for a week, but this program is all about constantly busting your ass.

The exercises:
Front Squat
Clean and Press (and all of its variations... power cleans, push press, fat bar clean and press, log clean and press, dumbbell clean and press, reverse grip/fast curl and press)
Snatches (one and two arm)
Push Presses
Push Jerks (from the back)
Military presses (one and two arm)
Deadlifts (one arm, two arm, trap bar, etc)
Bench press (close grip, reverse grip, and regular flat bench)
Pullups (weighted and unweighted)
Dips (weighted and unweighted)
High Pulls
any other heavy ass exercise you want. Stones, steel suitcases, farmers walks, throwing weights for height or distance, etc. The key is that they're heavy, not conducted on a padded seat or bench (with the exception of bench press), and require you to be a fucking man while doing it.

The basics: I typically combine one push with one pull and one squat three times per week. The exercises are basically a grab bag, from which you can grab any of the above. On those three days, you will shoot for 15-30 total reps, depending on your rep scheme. Doing triples? go with 10x3. Doubles? I rarely do them, but shoot for 10-15 sets. Singles? They're my bread and butter, and I'll do anywhere from 15 to 30 of them, depending on the workout. I love them.

The key to getting ripped and strong on this program is to use AT LEAST 85% of your 1 rep max (1RM) on everything, and I like to stay in the 87.5%-100% range. That means HEAVY. Always. Well, almost always. If you're going to squat 3 times a week, make the midweek squat workout a light one. i like to load 135 or 225 on the bar and squat for time for a couple of sets. I just put a song on my ipod that's 2:30 or 3:00 for 135, or 1:30-2:00 for 225 and squat pretty much nonstop. If you start dying, just stand there under the weight.

Thus, one of the big three workouts might look like this:
Back Squat 10x3
Push Jerks from behind the neck 15x1
Weighted Pullups 5x4 ( I often end up doing slightly higher reps on pullups, since it's a pain to load the belt with small plates once you've got a couple of 45s on there.

If you choose to do clean and press, that counts as both a pull and a press. Thus, you can just kill yourself at that exercise, or you can do that and another exercise if you want.

So, what to do on the off days? I like busting out the ab wheel and one of the straps people use for hanging leg raises to work neck off a high cable, and doing high rep arms with a fat bar, and calves. I also quite enjoy doing the Bear, the Super Bear, or playing uncle by myself, or with a lifting partner.

That shit explained:
The Bear- it's a clean and press complex. I'd start with 95lbs and work my way up, were I you guys. It's a clean from the floor into a front squat, to an overhead press, to a back squat, to another overhead press, to a front squat, and then cleaning the bar back down to the floor. That's one rep. I like doing those for 5x5, or in an uncle format, which I'll address in a second.

The Super Bear- A buddy of mine and I decided that the Bear didn't suck enough, so we added two more squats- overhead squats, at the top of both overhead presses. Thus, it's clean to front squat, overhead press to overhead squat, then drop the bar on your back and back squat it, overhead press to overhead squat, then drop the bar on your collarbones and front squat, then back to the floor. Fun, right? I think we might have had a best of 5x5 with that using 115, and I was sore for a week.

Uncle- I've explained this. Pay attention, stupid.

Want a weekly program? Well, that would defy the very definition of the name. It's supposed to be chaotic. There's no need for periodization in my routine, since it's a constant adaptation phase. If you want an example of what a week might look like, here you go. just don't do this every week.

Front Squat 12x1x455lbs (90% 1RM)
Shrugs 12x2x765lbs
Close grip BP 10x3x315

Clean and press, 30 reps with 135lbs as fast as possible
Ab wheel 5x10

Back Squat for time. 2:30x3x135lbs
Weighted Pullups 7x4x100lbs
Push Jerks 5x3x255, 3x1x275, 2x1x285

Donkey Calf Raise 10x10xthe stack
Ab Wheel 3x5 standing
Unweighted pullups 100 reps

Back squat 15x1x565
Bent over rows 6x6x315
Military press 12x2x200

Arms, with the fat bar, giant-setting reverse curls with overhead tricep extensions and behind the neck press, for 30 mins with 20 second rest in between sets.


The program does have a basis in Waterbury, in addition to the Bulgarian training regime, Arnold's high volume stuff, and an abject hatred of Mike Mentzer thrown in for good measure.
Look at these two douches. The one on the left is Mentzer, presumably at a mustache convention.
A word on rest periods- rest as little as possible. I typically rest about 45 seconds to one minute in between sets, singles included. That keeps the heart rate up, burns the Kcals, and improves your muscular endurance while building strength.

I do like doing jump sets, Waterbury style. I'll typically do them on my push-pull exercises, doing something along the lines of close grips jump setted with bent rows. I keep my rests super low, so it's almost a superset, but if you're working opposing muscle groups, the antagonist of the muscle you're working relaxes completely, so you should be pretty fresh, albeit winded.

On your off days, feel free to work your weak points if they're not too fatigued. There are weeks that I'll train shoulders 5x, but never do the same thing two days in a row. I always change the sets and reps, at least, and typically change the exercises as well. Thus, whatever bodypart you want to bring up, try training it 5 or 6 times a week, but alternate heave and light days, and cycle exercises.

An example:
Monday- Push Jerks 15x1
Tuesday- unloaded fat bar behind the neck press as part of a tri-set
Wednesday- Strict Military press (standing, feet together, no leg drive) 5x6
Thursday- Bodyweight dips (hits the front delts a bit)
Friday- Clean and Press 10x3
Saturday- Axe Hold with dumbbells for time

That's ChAoS and PAIN in a nutshell. A bloody great big nutshell. You love it. Now go lift something heavy until your fucking eyes bleed.

Now playing:
Diskreet - The Bigger Complex
via FoxyTunes

07 March 2009


To this day, I have no idea what the fuck was going on with that gay Viennese dude behind me. He clearly intended to slip me roofies and try to play a little game we like to call "Just the tip" (just for a second, just to see how it feels) at some point in the evening. I escaped with my anal virginity intact, however. Or, at least, I think I did.

Hit two PRs (personal records) yesterday- 605 on the deadlift and 385 on reverse grip bench. I expect to break 400 on bench within the month, which will be a hell of a thing, especially if I do it with a reverse grip. I'd post a vid, but my lifting partner only managed to capture the setup, so I'll have to wait for the next time I hit a pr.
One arm dl with 385 a couple of months ago. Like my Jon Pall impersonation?

An amusing anecdote from this week of milestones was that my ex-girlfriend declared it "unhealthy" to have 5% bodyfat if you're not a bodybuilder. There was no mention of why, just an emphatic (and wholly incorrect) assessment of my overall health. Odd, especially given the fact that she wants to be a Redline girl.

Hitting 5% bodyfat the same week one deads over 600 for the first time is not something you can do with a conventional program. This is why I am spreading the gospel of ChAoS and PAIN.

Death to our enemies.

Now playing: Dr. Acula - Say Cheese And Die Again
via FoxyTunes

05 March 2009

*Caveman Training

Dunno if you guys have seen this, but I thought if you were Googling shit, I wanted to be clear that I have nothing whatsoever in common with this silly horseshit: http://www.athleticperformanceinc.biz/videos

"Caveman Training" is repackaged Crossfit, with more of an emphasis on extremely light strongman events than extremely light Olympic Lifting events. It's lame as fuck.

You want to do a medley? Here you go, a medley just for you, which I did a couple of months ago.

10 sets of doubles with 90% of your 1RM in Squat and Deadlift. You superset the lifts, take a minute (ONLY one minute) between supersets, and resume. If you gas, and you will, my fuckers, you will, switch to singles, but DO NOT drop the weights or extend the rests. THAT is a fucking man-maker, and lacks a cute Crossfit name.

As I recall, I used 525 on the squat and 506 on the deadlift, which at the time corresponded to 89.7% and 89.5% of my 1RM on each lift, respectively. It was brutal, and I was sore for a few days, but it was fun as hell, and I was all business stalking back and forth between the rack and the platform for about 20 minutes.
Stalking my prey. Or just around the gym. I guess the weights are my prey, so yeah, stalking my prey.
Go forth and conquer.

Now playing: Winds Of Plague - Unbreakable
via FoxyTunes

*Eat Like a Motherfucking Caveman, Part Zwei

So, you by now have grasped the concept that people have not always eaten the same foods, right? I hope to fucking god you have, or else I'll have to send Tommy Boy to your seat to hit you in the head with a hammer, because you're a fucking retard.So, back in the day, motherfuckers wandered around with spears and rocks, killing anything they could and eating every last morsel. With the advent of cooking, consumption of all foods became easier, as it reduced the amount of mastication necessary to swallow and digest the food. Still, humans only ate what they could find, which essentially amounted to meat, nuts, seeds, and veggies, with the occasional handful of berries thrown in for good measure. Each locality had its own distinctive selection of flora and fauna, but they all essentially consisted of the same basic food groups. Though I can hardly fathom why, people in the Mideast and Southeast Asia began eating a shitload of grasses, and planting them, which eventually resulted in modern rice and grains. Shitty, I know. When that occurred, people shrunk in stature, developed metabolic diseases that were at that time unknown, and generally fucked themselves right in the ass.

From this, we know what not to eat, and why. Here's the list:

Soy- For the love of all that's holy, avoid this shit like the plague if you're a non-Asian man. Asians might have adapted to eating that crap, but it's sick, unhealthy, and downright unnatural for any non-Asian male to eat it. An unpublished study from Dr. Mike Fitzpatrick of New Zealand associates soy consumption with biological changes in the function of sex glands, thyroid, and central nervous system with soy isoflavones. Additionally, soy contains high concentrations of phytic acid, which blocks the uptake of calcium, zinc, and magnesium. Low zinc throws your copper levels out of whack, which in turn destroys your thyroid function. Formula with soy in it delivers more estrogen to the babies who consume it than is contained in 10 birth control pills! For the love of your test levels, avoid that shit.(1, pp. 79-81)

Beans in general- Many beans are extremely toxic if consumed raw (like soybeans and lima beans), while all others are inedible. All beans contain alkaloids that protect them from animals (lima beans contain high levels of cyanide), and fava beans contain 3 different toxins that cause favism in some people (even if cooked). (2, p. 56) Even grean beans contain prussic acid, which is toxic in high levels. Thus, beans are bad, mmmmkay? Peanuts and cashews are beans, by the way, and cashews grow from a plant related to poison ivy, so they can be fatally toxic raw (it's one of the most common plant-related calls to the Poison Control Center).

Tubers- Like I stated in the previous post, I'm not sure as to the reasoning here, as it's well documented that hunter-gatherers and ancient hominids ate tubers. Near as I can tell, it's just that modern tubers are far more starchy than their ancient predecessors. Turnips are ok'd by Cordain, but poo-pooed by Audette, which is silly to me, as they're hardly high in carbs, as beets are. Beets are essentially sugar in a root form.

Corn- Corn's off limits due to the high concentration of aflatoxins in them (also in grains and peanuts). Aflatoxins are produced by Asparilla Rust, and are linked to liver, pancreatic, and esophogeal cancer. They are theus bad. (2, p. 55)

Grains- Wheat, corn, rice, oats, barley, rye, and other seeds of grasses require milling and long cooking to be made edible. When ground, raw grain and water make paper mache, and causes severe digestive distress in all primates. As such, it's wise to avoid them. (2, p. 54)

What's this mean for you? Well, it's food for fucking thought, ok? I combine this diet with Metabolic Typing, which I'll address when I'm good and ready, and carbohydrate cycling to make my diet. It all sounds like a massive pain in the ass, but it's actually pretty fun. Thus, prepare yourselves for some fun in the coming weeks.

  1. Tacchi, Carol Simon. The Crazy Makers: How the Food Industry is Destroying Our Brains and Harming Our Children. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher, 2007.
  2. Audette, Neanderthin.
Now playing: I Shot The Sheriff - Scapegoat
via FoxyTunes

04 March 2009

**You Can Be Strong as Fuck, or Ripped to Shreds...

Oh yeah? That IS standard bodybuilding knowledge. I've been to Muscle Beach and Watched Paul Dillett waddle around like a pregnant woman in a purple sweatshirt, grunting and groaning over so 40 lb dumbbell presses, and I've seen Craig Titus bang through 4 sets of 12 on cable crossovers with less than half the stack, and retire, exhausted, to whatever the fuck the chicken place next door is for a "well-deserved" repast. Oh, and the "strong" bodybuilders? Chris Cormier does his "massive poundages with half (at fucking best) reps, spending the rest of his time maddogging everyone in the gym he sees who's nearly as strong as him.

Weak as a kitten with AIDS.

Conventional powerlifting wisdom is that one needs a massive gut to support their massive squats. THAT'S why they're fat. It has nothing to do with a lack of self-discipline. Hahaha. Suuuuuuure. And I'm a Chinese jet pilot.
It's not his fault he's fat. And weak.

I'm here to tell you, my fuckers, unequivocably, that none of that shit is true. Last night, I had my bodyfat caliper tested, and was astonished to find that it's somewhere between 4.3 and 5.3%. That's on my regular diet. No precontest horseshit. Two three hour cheat windows a week, and last week I drank my fucking face off twice. In one week, I back squatted 585 and front squatted 485 for easy singles, at the end of long workouts, within four days of each other, only wearing a belt, at a bodyweight of 176.
Taken that week. Represent.
The next time someone tells you that it can't be done, that you can't be lean and big and strong, all simultaneously, slap them dead in the mouth, rape their girlfriend, and then go lift something heavy. you'll be a better man for it, and hopefully they'll kill themselves. With luck, in a few years, that fucking lie will be as dead as those fat, lazy motherfuckers who uttered it.

Kill their mothers, rape their dogs.
Now playing: Killwhitneydead - Nothing Says "Party" Like Her Head On A Stick
via FoxyTunes