05 March 2009

*Eat Like a Motherfucking Caveman, Part Zwei

So, you by now have grasped the concept that people have not always eaten the same foods, right? I hope to fucking god you have, or else I'll have to send Tommy Boy to your seat to hit you in the head with a hammer, because you're a fucking retard.So, back in the day, motherfuckers wandered around with spears and rocks, killing anything they could and eating every last morsel. With the advent of cooking, consumption of all foods became easier, as it reduced the amount of mastication necessary to swallow and digest the food. Still, humans only ate what they could find, which essentially amounted to meat, nuts, seeds, and veggies, with the occasional handful of berries thrown in for good measure. Each locality had its own distinctive selection of flora and fauna, but they all essentially consisted of the same basic food groups. Though I can hardly fathom why, people in the Mideast and Southeast Asia began eating a shitload of grasses, and planting them, which eventually resulted in modern rice and grains. Shitty, I know. When that occurred, people shrunk in stature, developed metabolic diseases that were at that time unknown, and generally fucked themselves right in the ass.

From this, we know what not to eat, and why. Here's the list:

Soy- For the love of all that's holy, avoid this shit like the plague if you're a non-Asian man. Asians might have adapted to eating that crap, but it's sick, unhealthy, and downright unnatural for any non-Asian male to eat it. An unpublished study from Dr. Mike Fitzpatrick of New Zealand associates soy consumption with biological changes in the function of sex glands, thyroid, and central nervous system with soy isoflavones. Additionally, soy contains high concentrations of phytic acid, which blocks the uptake of calcium, zinc, and magnesium. Low zinc throws your copper levels out of whack, which in turn destroys your thyroid function. Formula with soy in it delivers more estrogen to the babies who consume it than is contained in 10 birth control pills! For the love of your test levels, avoid that shit.(1, pp. 79-81)

Beans in general- Many beans are extremely toxic if consumed raw (like soybeans and lima beans), while all others are inedible. All beans contain alkaloids that protect them from animals (lima beans contain high levels of cyanide), and fava beans contain 3 different toxins that cause favism in some people (even if cooked). (2, p. 56) Even grean beans contain prussic acid, which is toxic in high levels. Thus, beans are bad, mmmmkay? Peanuts and cashews are beans, by the way, and cashews grow from a plant related to poison ivy, so they can be fatally toxic raw (it's one of the most common plant-related calls to the Poison Control Center).

Tubers- Like I stated in the previous post, I'm not sure as to the reasoning here, as it's well documented that hunter-gatherers and ancient hominids ate tubers. Near as I can tell, it's just that modern tubers are far more starchy than their ancient predecessors. Turnips are ok'd by Cordain, but poo-pooed by Audette, which is silly to me, as they're hardly high in carbs, as beets are. Beets are essentially sugar in a root form.

Corn- Corn's off limits due to the high concentration of aflatoxins in them (also in grains and peanuts). Aflatoxins are produced by Asparilla Rust, and are linked to liver, pancreatic, and esophogeal cancer. They are theus bad. (2, p. 55)

Grains- Wheat, corn, rice, oats, barley, rye, and other seeds of grasses require milling and long cooking to be made edible. When ground, raw grain and water make paper mache, and causes severe digestive distress in all primates. As such, it's wise to avoid them. (2, p. 54)

What's this mean for you? Well, it's food for fucking thought, ok? I combine this diet with Metabolic Typing, which I'll address when I'm good and ready, and carbohydrate cycling to make my diet. It all sounds like a massive pain in the ass, but it's actually pretty fun. Thus, prepare yourselves for some fun in the coming weeks.

  1. Tacchi, Carol Simon. The Crazy Makers: How the Food Industry is Destroying Our Brains and Harming Our Children. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher, 2007.
  2. Audette, Neanderthin.
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