31 March 2009

*Blasting, Shocking, and Shredding Your Muscles. What a Dumb Fucking Concept.

In the history of humankind, nothing whatsoever has been built by utilizing any strategy employing the above verbs. Whenever humans have blasted, bombed, confused, or scorched anything, only death and destruction resulted. No fantastic city was immediately forged from the rubble, and if a city was built on the rubble, it typically lacked the flair of the original and began to resemble every institutional architecture extant at the time. Witness Tokyo. Prior to its astonishing amount of firebombing by Allied forces, Tokyo was a beautiful city with a lot of rich architecture, including a hotel designed by Frank Lloyd Wright. Pretty cool, eh? Tokyo was rebuilt after WW2, it lost all of its flair, and looked just like every other shitty 1950s city. Why then, would one apply those philosophies to building muscle? Do you really think that it's necessary to "bomb" and "blast" and "shock" your muscles into growth? Is declaring war on your musculature going to produce the results you want? I've been to a lot of bodybuilding shows, and I can honestly say that there are few bodybuilders who stand out as interesting to look at. They all employ the same techniques, take the same drugs, and achieve the same results.
They all look exactly the same. Exactly.

I propose something different, and something eminently more satisfying. Rather than declaring war, in essence, on yourself, declare war on the weights. I take shit from no motherfucking weights. Every time I set foot in the gym, it's a fucking battle royale, and I usually come out on top. I might have an off day, but I never walk around asking my friends stupid fucking questions like "Do I look small, bro?", which never fails to annoy the shit out of those around you and make you look like an attention seeking retard. If you're rocking and shocking the weights, rather than your muscles, you know you own shit every time you enter the gym, and that you are the fucking master of your domain. Additionally, you'll marshal your forces against a common enemy (your muscles against the weights, retard), which will ever fail to achieve success, though it is a war of attrition at times. Viewing lifting like a war on your muscles is ridiculous, since it makes you think of your own bodyparts as the enemy, which turns your aggression and negativity inward, rather than outward, against the weights. Chase the weights, rather than the muscle, and the muscle will come. You'll also be super fucking strong to boot. Finally, by chasing the weights, rather than the muscle, you'll play to your own strengths, creating a physique unique to you, rather than a cookie cutter physique that looks like every other asshole on Earth who wants to look like Ronnie or Arnold. Instead, channel your inner Pudz, or Poundstone, or Kroc, or
Rezazadeh, and get your physique to the extreme it can achieve while maintaining its individuality, your pride (ecause you'll be as strong as your fucking look), and your sanity.
Now stop reading shit online and go be superhuman, motherfucker.

PS- You can't confuse a muscle. It's got no brain. Food for thought.

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  1. Fuckin' hilarious! A master of words and muscles alike!

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