*What Pumps YOU the fuck up?

Even relaxed between sets, I look ready to eat nails and shit bullets.

I've always been amused by the fact that people are generally afraid of me. It's not as though I run about knocking down old ladies and stabbing random passers-by. One of my mom's friends, however, literally RUNS from the room when i enter. Apparently it's due to my massive red aura, which scares the shit out of the sheeple who will eventually become one of the Eloi in the future. So I'm a Morlock... fuck it. Anyway, this effect is even pronounced in the gym, where one would think I'd fit right in. Apparently not, however, as I find myself lifting with a fair amount of personal space, in spite of my occasional head nod or "what's up" to the people around me. Today, however, it hit me. no one comes near me because I'm so fucking pumped up when I'm in the gym, they can't tell whether I'm going to destroy more of my prs or just the building around me. I take my general attitude and air of intensity and increase it until it's a palpable, living thing.

I've seen other guys get "pumped" in the gym. It generally involves a lot of yelling and chest slapping. I'm a bit quieter, and do a lot of pacing and glaring at the weights, like I'm challenging them to defy me. Maybe that's what I'm doing, but I guarantee you, I take no shit from a fucking pile of plates.

So, how do I get PUMPED THE FUCK UP?!?!

A good question, to be sure, and one that I'm sure varies between individuals. i can tell you, however, what has worked for me over the years. Here's a fairly comprehensive list:

• music
• movies
• books
• comics
• physique pics

MUSIC- This is something I fucking swear by, and will occasionally not even bother to lift if I cannot listen to my ipod while doing so. There have been numerous studies done on the effects of music on blood pressure, heart rate, and athletic performance datingback to the late 1920s, and they all show that music definitely has an effect on athletic performance, but many of them show differing effects. I would contend that this would be due to the fact that (SURPRISE, YOU FUCKING RETARDS) not everyone LIKES THE SAME KIND OF FUCKING MUSIC! Christ. You'd think neurologists would be intelligent enough to figure that out, but apparently the concept of differing tastes eludes their weighty grey matter. I personally stick entirely to metal and hardcore, making sure that there are heavy, heavy breakdowns in all of the songs for me to do singles to, and lyrics that fire me the fuck up. Misericordiam has a song in which the closing breakdown is "I'M FUCKING UNSTOPPABLE. UN.STOP.PABLE." That, my friends, is the purest essence of brutality, and I only use that song in extreme emergencies, like squat or deadlift PRs. Pick a style of music you love, and that gets you psyched, and use it. I caution you however, with a bit of my own superstition in this matter- do not listen to these songs regularly outside the gym. Somehow, I feel like this palpably reduces their effectiveness, perhaps by diluting the adrenaline rush you get from hearing a truly brutal song. Additionally, if you have the dough, I recommend having separate lifting and kicking it iPods, as it reduces the amount of time and effort you have to spend loading shit on your iPod every day, and it allows you a backup iPod and headphones if you smash yours in the gym (which you will, invariably, do).

I Declare War is so fucking brutal that I even have their cover of "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" on my lifting iPod.

MOVIES- Also effective, albeit to a lesser extent, since you can't watch them in the gym. Or rather, you shouldn't. Don't be that fucking douche in the gym dicking with his iPhone in between sets. I used to watch Pumping Iron every day before the gym. It was effective for bodybuilding, I guess. I'll occassionally watch vids of Pudz lifting before hitting the weights now, but it's rare. I have to really be dreading the gym to resort to this.

BOOKS- This can be training books, books on old-school lifters (like Willoughby's Super-Athletes), or novels. I've used all three for different reasons. I've used training books and mags for workout ideas and benchmarks for weights I should try to hit, books on lifters for benchmarks and just general inspiration, and novels for general pumpitude (like Fire at the Gates, which gets me fired the fuck up). All can be effective for setting the mood.

COMICS- Every now and again I'll run across a comic that will get me pumped up. Usually it's a Punisher comic for me, but it takes all kinds, kind of like music. If you find yourself stimulated by Archie, Ziggy, or Family Circus, please do us all a favor and kill yourself immediately. Thank you.

How could a jacked dude slaughtering people by the bushel not fire you the fuck up?

PHYSIQUE PICS- Seems a bit on the gay side, but it can be effective, especially when dieting hard. I had a google dashboard slide show of various physiques I was trying to emulate going 24-7 to keep me on the straight and narrow for a while. I know guys who use pics like that to pump them up for lifting as well, but I don't give a fuck about being pretty in the gym- I want to be a brutally strong motherfucker, and nothing else.

Well, there you go, my fuckers. That's how I end up looking like a caged animal in the gym, growling along with the music on my iPod and generally getting avoided by everyone while lifting prodigeous amounts of weight. A word, however, on being a badass in the gym- don't act like an asshole. No Branch Warren displays of tossing barbells about the gym like a fucking tool, and please keep the bellowing while doing curls to a minimum. If your physique is worth looking at, people will note that fact without the aid of your "look at me!" yells.

Do not demand what you cannot take by force.

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Now playing: Ripped Off Face - White Collar Boxer
via FoxyTunes