*You Asked for It, and You've Got It- Exercises in Extremity, the 1st Official C&P Workout Template

After coming to the realization that even open-source shit has more structure than I've given you guys for my style of lifting, and the fact that at least one person has been a whiny little bitch about getting a full program, I have produced one, if for no other reason than to prevent a global flood from all of the tears being shed. Apparently, a paucity of programmed workouts leads to uncontrollable sobbing worldwide.

Thus, I present to you "Exercises in Extremity".

I realize that this still doesn't give some of you the type of security you want in a workout, and to that, I say tough shit. My entire training philosophy is based upon the idea that people should do what works first and foremost, and then what they enjoy doing. That's right, what WORKS, first and foremost, and then what you enjoy- so stop fucking doing dumbbell flies. They're fucking worthless, and they irritate the living fucking shit out of me to see people doing them so they can get ripped pecs. Stop doing them; they're fucking stupid.

Leave them to this poof.

That out of the way, here's how this template works- it's like a Choose Your Own Adventure Book.

Those books fucking rocked balls.

You're going to pick your workout, then pick it's attributes, and then fucking annihilate it. The next day, you'll do the same thing, only picking a different block. The next day, you pick a different block from day 2 (even if it's the same as day 1, though I recommend picking a different permutation in exercise and reps). And so on, and so on.

You're confused. I can see the stupid look on your face through your computer. Thus, I shall give examples.

We'll pretend that I'm a deadlift fanatic. I love to pull. It's awesome, and I want to bring up my pull even higher. As such, I'm going to pick a pull day to start (that's a B block).

Day 1

Block B-2 (and since I love triples, I'll do 10x3)

Deadlift 10x3

Pushdowns 10x3

Thereafter, I do some neck and ab work, because I feel like it.

Day 2- my legs are tired and my traps are thrashed, so I decide to hit a light day

Block D-1 (giant set)

Dips

Pullup

Ab Wheel

Day 3- refreshed, I decide to hit shoulders hard as fuck, so I do

Block C- Heavy Alternate

Overhead Lockouts 15x1

Barbell cheat curls 10x3

Because I chose to do singles, but didn't want to do singles on the curls, I'll superset for the first 10 sets, then just do OH presses for the final 5 sets. Afterward, I do some calf raises and forearm work, since I know I'm gonna squat tomorrow.

Day 4

Block A-1

Front Squat 15x1

Close Grip Bench Press 15x1

When done, I'm beat and starving, so I head home and eat my face off.

Day 5- Refreshed from a 3 hour cheat window, I want to pull again. Thus, I choose:

Block B-1

High Pull 12x2
Skullcrusher / Super Skull
After I finish that, I've still got gas in the tank, so I hit some stone loading for a while, and then go home and crash out.

... and so on, and so on.

Want to know when to take a day off? When your body tells you to. No one's exactly like another person, and most cookie-cutter routines bear the built-in assumption that you suck as a human being, thus treating you with kid gloves and insuring slight but steady gains. That's not what I'm about. I'm going to assume, against my better instincts, that you're more like me than you are like every leg-deficient, fucking asshole I've ever seen in a commercial gym. As such, use cramping or horrifyingly pronounced fatigue as a method for determining when you need time off. Otherwise, train away.

Don't be this guy.

To forestall these symptoms, I recommend the following: sleep, ice, heat, and supplementation. "Ice reduces traumatically induced inflammation and reduces the collagen breakdown that can occur on joint surfaces with heavy training. So literally every trainee should consider ice application to the affected joints after training. Couple that with some high rep/low intensity exercise and you've got a great joint saving prescription." (1) As I stated in my previous blog, I'm a fan of the application of heat to warm up, and I'm planning on trying a hot tub tonight to see if and how that helps. The Russians were also massive fans of heat/ice baths, so there must be something to that. Otherwise, I recommend a ton of water and a good multi, in addition to protein supplementation to stave off overuse issues.

His advice is worth taking.

For the initiated:
Explanations of BTN press (behind the neck press), here.
Unilateral snatch, here.
Unilateral Clean and press, here. (That's Edward Aston's explanation of it)

Lastly, and explanation of the Super Bear, which I'm sure I've detailed before, and Super Skulls:

Super Bear- Just like the Bear, only with Overhead Squats at the top of each press. Thus, clean, front squat, press, front squat, overhead squat, back squat, press, overhead squat, front squat, clean back to the floor. THIS SUCKS.

Super Skull- It's a skullcrusher with a weight you can do for a decent number of reps. Descend in a four count, then pulse it at the bottom (1/4 reps) for 3 reps, and blast it explosively back to the top.

Finally, if you want to add in extra daily sessions, I recommend adding in light work on exercises you do not plan on doing the following day, just in case you get carried away.


This isn't fucking brain surgery. It's weightlifting. Get your asses to the gym and make it fucking happen.

1. Hartman, Bill and Alwyn Cosgrove, ed. "Strength and Conditioning Interrogations." P. 40.
   

**Fuck the Treadmill- I've Got A Real Warmup For You

I detest running. I detest stair climbing. Basically, I detest cardio in all of its myriad forms, save for those conducted while horizontal. Thus, it was a combination of that hatred, and the belief that there is absolutely no correlation between cardiovascular fitness and prepping for heavy lifting, that led me to start warming up in a highly unconventional, and moderately controversial, way.

I tan.

Yup, I tan. Now, before you assholes start screaming "GAY!" at the top of your lungs and scrubbing yourselves down with bleach to cleanse yourselves from what will undoubtedly be called the single gayest warm-up ever in forums around the internet, allow me to explain.

According to Chris Shugart:

"Studies on Vitamin D, sunlight, and performance go back for decades. Russian studies in the 1930's showed that 100M dash times improved in irradiated athletes vs. non-irradiated athletes undergoing the same training (7.4% improvement vs. 1.4%).

German studies in the 1940's showed that irradiation lead to a 13% improvement in performance on the bike ergometer vs. no improvement in the control group.

He might not look it, but I bet he loved tanning.

In the 1950's researchers saw a "convincing effect" on athletic performance after treating athletes at the Sports College of Cologne. Findings were so convincing that they notified the Olympic Committee.

At one point, even school children were irradiated and given large doses of Vitamin D in 1952 Germany. Treated children showed dramatic increases in overall fitness and cardiovascular performance. UV radiation was also shown to improve reaction times by 17% in a 1956 study.

In the 1960s, a group of American college women were treated with a single dose of ultraviolet irradiation. The results: improvements in strength, speed, and endurance.

Other studies showed "distinct seasonal variation" in the trainability of musculature. Basically, athletes performed better and got stronger in the late summer due to their greater exposure to the sun and subsequent Vitamin D production.

Vitamin D has also been shown to act directly on muscle to increase protein synthesis. Deficient subjects administered Vitamin D showed improvement in muscle protein anabolism and an increase in muscle mass.

Improvements in neuromuscular functioning have also been seen. People with higher levels of Vitamin D generally have better reaction time and balance."(1)

Thus, there might be a marked increase in training abilities after one has gone tanning. Additionally, I get awesome naps in tanning beds, so taking a preworkout upon entering the bed and busting out a ten minute nap is perfect, because the pre-workout wakes me up just as the bed is shutting off, I get a little catnap in, which leaves me more energetic (and possibly improving my cognitive and athletic performance),(2) and I'm brimming with Vitamin-D filled goodness.

Still unconvinced? The use of tanning lamps on German swimmers in 1927 was considered to be an example of "athletic unfairness" and was halted. Dr. Tim Ziegenfuss, a noted sports nutritionist and researcher, classifies Vitamin D as a hormone because its metabolic product (calcitriol) is a secosteroid hormone (a molecule that's very similar to a steroid).(3) THAT is fucking badass.

Finally, it's fucking pleasant, and I like having a tan.

So, if you want to jog around like you're Ron Fucking Burgundy, than by all means, have at it. Me? I'll enjoy my nap and my tan and my improved performance and revel in the fact that I'm strong enough that I need run from nothing- especially injury from failing to "properly warm up".

Maybe they're onto something...

1. Shugart, Chris. "D Is For Doping". T-Nation. http://www.tmuscle.com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance_nutrition/d_is_for_doping
2. Waterhouse J, Atkinson G, Edwards B, Reilly T. "The role of a short post-lunch nap in improving cognitive, motor, and sprint performance in participants with partial sleep deprivation." Research Institute for Sport and Exercise Sciences, Liverpool John Moores University, Liverpool, UK. J Sports Sci. 2007 Dec;25(14):1557-66. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17852691
3. Cannell JJ, Hollis BW, Sorenson MB, Taft TN, Anderson JJ.  Athletic performance and vitamin D.  Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2009. May;41(5):1102-10.  http://www.sseproducts.com/Athletic%20Performance%20and%20Vitamin%20D.pdf  (Russian, German, and American sources for athletic improvements from tanning contained therein.

**Live Dangerously and You Live Right.

Goethe said that. He was all about being a badass and living on the edge, to the point where he also stated that "The dangers of life are infinite, and among them is safety."

I live, essentially, by credos like "nothing ventured, nothing gained", "no guts, no glory" and "fortune favors the bold". These are the mottoes on which I base my life, my training philosophy, and my very persona. Many a tactician has lived and died by these mottoes, and given that weightlifting is essentially a battle with iron, it would stand to reason that we march toward the enemy with the fearlessness and disdain it deserves.

That stated, this is a high-risk, high-yield methodology. You're not inured from risk. You flirt with it. You tempt it. You cavort with risk every single time you grab the bar. It's essential you realize this, because if you ignore the risk, injury, or hurt, it will surprise and discourage you.

Pain is a reminder that you're alive.

You will hurt. This is the nature of life- pain.

A couple of months ago, I fucked myself up badly doing the ultimate in high-risk, high-yield exercises, the Behind the Neck Push Press. I've told the story here before- I spent about an hour doing singles with 315, then missed one, bashed myself in the head with it, and crashed into a massive, hulking, two story leg press machine, which is now my nemesis. My bad elbow swelled up like I was an African with elephantiasis and I could barely extend my arm, much less do useful weights on BTNs, for quite some time. Since then, I've become a bit of a pussy on them, training in gyms where I can't dump the weight, or just not loading up like a man would. That ended the other day. I rocked the fuck out of 295-315 for multiple singles, and 285 for a bunch of doubles. At the end, I got it into my head that I was going to do a death set. Given that I was in the gym after hours, by myself, in a city where no one knows me, this could have actually been a death set. I pushed through a few reps, then blasted myself in the back of the head and called it a day. Three days later, my neck is killing me, but I finally rid myself of my low-grade headache.

There's another standpoint from which to view the art of training dangerously- from an economic standpoint. ChAoS and PAIN is essentially a high-risk, high-yield bond. Conservative investors, of which I bet Stuart McRobert and Mark Rippetoe are representatives, tend to avoid "junk" bonds, focusing instead on bullshit like CDs and municipal bonds. Why even fucking bother, in my opinion, buying one of those? The rate of return is only marginally better than what I get on my fucking checking account with Schwab. Thus, Ripp and McRobert advise people to stick with low volume exercises, low risk movements (McRobert likes leg presses because they're safe, which is utter horseshit, and bespeaks his idiocy), and they probably enjoy elevator music, the color beige, and movies starring Alan Alda.

If he's saying to himself, "Why god, why? Why do I suck so fucking badly?", that makes two of us.

An article in the Motley Fool a while back read:
"As an investor with a focus on dividends, "Don't chase high-yielding stocks" is particularly close to my heart. In theory, a high yield screams high risk. In practice, a high yield can also mean slow growth prospects or simply that a company is being misunderstood by the market."

CnP is a perfect example of the latter- it's a program that is misunderstood by the market. Asshats all over the interwebs, all of whom would lose a fistfight to a cardboard cutout of Miley Cyrus, have high bodyfat percentages and are as weak as AIDS-ridden kittens, have had a lot of bullshit to say about CnP, and not a single one have tried it. They fail to understand that there's a method to the madness, and that while this methodology does indeed carry a higher rate of risk, it also bears a far higher rate of return.

D.E.B. Dubois once said that the "most important thing to remember is this: To be ready at any moment to give up what you are for what you might become." So, it's time to give up sucking and become a badass. Know that you've got to crack a few eggs to make an omlette. Abandon your fear.

Attack the weights.


----------------
Now playing: The Dillinger Escape Plan - 43% Burnt
via FoxyTunes

Evil Will Always Triumph, Because Good Is Dumb.

Merry Christmas, fuckers! I thought I'd take this opportunity to blog on a more personal note, if for no other reason than I've been catching shit from just about everyone recently, and I've enjoyed it thoroughly. I've been accused of being everything from an attention whore to gay, retarded, un-alpha, pretentious, and then simply downright, old-fashioned evil. Well, most of those are probably true. On that note, my gift to you is a hilarious email I received, and my [expanded] response. Bear in mind, on this most materialistic and consumer-driven spending smorgasbord, that this is a guy to whom I've been giving advice for a couple of years, over the phone and via email, and since his divorce have been coaching him on how to pick up chicks, and recently helped him edit his profile on a dating website to facilitate his ass-getting adventures. Additionally, he has two kids who are handicapped in some manner. Clearly, in spite of my good deeds, he's got plenty of reason to hate me just on the kids deal.

The email:

Wow, I just finished reading your blog on the alpha male book. Do you honestly feel the only relevant things to a mans life are to kill people and fuck women? I mean, I have my respect for the conquerors of the past, but I don't idolize those motherfuckers for their morale [sic] fiber. So..the strong dominate and kill the weak, make necklaces out of their teeth, ect, [sic] whatever. Are you living in a fucking movie or something? Do you really think that is all there is to human life? Your comments on retarded people and cripples (my son included), you think that is a show of real strength? What the fuck is wrong with you dude? I have a lot of respect for you, I really do, but your lack of honor and respect for those types of people, and myself, shows a really weak side of you, that looks to me like you can't deal with. I realize the fact that you have no responsibility past yourself, you have told me that yourself. I have always prized myself on being strong and not living in fear that I can't show myself, or how I feel about shit. I don't have to hide it under a bunch of cliche macho fucking bullshit. For example, I like the movie the notebook. Oh, am I a big pussy now? What the fuck is this, high school? I am not really sure if I am getting the wrong picture from the way you blog or talk about yourself, but the way you do portrays you don't have a compassionate bone in your fucking body. If your real attitude is to kill the weak, and fuck women, then you are definitely taking human evolution backwards.

And my somewhat expanded answer:

You're shot right out of a fucking cannon today. Well, the short version is, no, I don't believe that that's what a man is supposed to do. I do KNOW, however, that that's what ALPHA males of any species do. They're not necessarily good fathers, but they produce a lot of kids. I criticized the fact that you had "the notebook" in your profile because it appeared to be sleazy bullshit thrown into your robotically-written profile to make chicks think you had a sensitive side, while none of the rest of your profile alluded to any such thing. You can like whatever you want. I'll break your balls about "the Notebook". Just because I think your love of the movie is 11 different kinds of hilarious doesn't mean I'm judging you as a person. I'm not christian, and I don't bother with judging people. I leave that to them.

As for their moral fiber, I could give a fuck- I'm not in the business of morality. I am, for all intents and purposes, a satanist. This means I have as much physical pleasure as possible without impeding others' ability to do the same. Insofar as I follow any belief system, I'm an Odinist, and I pretty much live by the nine Noble Virtues:

1. Strength is better than weakness
2. Courage is better than cowardice
3. Joy is better than guilt
4. Honor is better than dishonor
5. Freedom is better than slavery
6. Kinship is better than alienation
7. Realism is better than dogmatism
8. Vigor is better than lifelessness
9. Ancestry is better than universalism

You and I are just going to have to agree to disagree on human evolution. I think compassion has irrevocably fucked up human evolution, and we're a shell of our former selves. That's one man's opinion. It might be wrong, but as my opinion either way is worth a bucket of warm piss in the grand scheme of things, I'll feel free to give it.

Finally, you of all people should recognize the fact that my writing style represents a somewhat fictionalized version of myself. It's a super-me. I fire for effect a lot, and I have fun getting rises out of people. As such, I thoroughly enjoyed your email and your righteous indignation, which was hilarious, given the fact that I 1) proclaim to the heavens that I'm a total asshole all over my blog, and 2) have taken a decent amount of time to help you out with a variety of things and chat with you, which would seem to indicate that I don't spend a lot of time judging you or your kids. For the record, however, I'm really not terribly compassionate. I'm occasionally empathetic, but I don't do a lot of hand-wringing about it, and it almost never extends past people whom I personally know well.

Sympathy and empathy are two traits that should have remained the sole purview of women, but for whatever reason (I blame Christianity for this as well), men have gotten in on the game as well. Now, they're puttering around the house wearing aprons and breastfeeding their children while their wives withhold sex from them and earn money for the household. It's horseshit, and begets weakness.


In short, it's better to be hated than forgotten.

Being hated is never gonna be a problem, haha.

**Who Loves Snatch? I Sure As Hell Do.

The one arm snatch, to be exact. This lift is hard as hell, but fun as shit, and generally a badass lift altogether. You might be tempted to try this with a dumbbell or a kettlebell, and insist that it's the same thing as the barbell snatch. Well, you're wrong. The barbell snatch is the only way to go, and if you're thinking about trying the others, you're denying yourself the ability to garner the respect and fear of those around you, in addition to a brutal grip and potential two hands anyhow skills (look for an upcoming blog about this bitch of a lift). As such, do the barbell snatch.

Charles Rigoulot set the one arm snatch record, at a bodyweight of 181, at 261 lbs. What's more, he was fucking FRENCH! A frog holds the world record in the one arm snatch- this cannot be left to pass. He was, however, an all-around bad motherfucker, and competed in weightlifting and auto racing, only to later become a pro wrestler.

Maxick, also a bad motherfucker in his own right, one arm snatched 165 at a bodyweight of 147.

According to Arthur Saxon, a badass at pretty much everything and who could snatch 200 lbs with both hands, this is how it should be done:
"Place yourself in position 1

and as you pull strongly with the right hand and shoulder, press as hard as you can with the left hand on the left knee. Then when the weight has reached a fair height, dip beneath same, the eyes to be all the time on the weight. The secret of this lift is to use as many muscles as possible at the same time, that is, your press with your legs, pull with your arm, and push with the disengaged one, also pull with the shoulder and jerk with the back, suddenly, when the weight is over your head, dipping beneath the same, and throwing it a little to the back. There are two positions possible in snatching weight, either of which is good, and both of which I will describe. One is to keep the body perpendicular and dip cleanly beneath the weight; the other is to suddenly fall to one side as in the bent press, when the bar is about the height of your head, and so place a straight arm beneath the weight, after which you recover to an erect position.

The benefit and advantage in this latter position being given a man who is enormously strong and a good side presser, if his arm should not go quite straight in the first attempt, then he may finish up the last inch or two by the body press, that is, if no objection be made by referee or opponents in competition. A variation of this is to snatch the bell overhead with the two hands instead of one, the hands being held the same distance apart as in the double-handed bar bell lift. Those anxious to practice the single-handed lift all the way, as in the English Amateur Championship Competition, will find my instructions as to the snatch are, if reversed, directly applicable to the initial pull-in to the shoulder. All that you have to do is place your hand on the bar with the palm to the front instead of to the back, then pull the bell up to the chest, stepping back with the left leg if pulling in with the right hand, and exerting as many muscles as possible.

Note: -In all these positions where the weight is lifted to the should from off the ground, the arm must NOT be bent at the first portion of the pull."

With the one arm snatch, you should start to enjoy better wind (if you're doing them for reps), vastly improved one arm grip strength, balance, overhead pressing strength, and the ability to impress just about anyone, anywhere, by doing a lift that's old as shit and pretty much wholly abandoned because it's too hard (sniffle!).

And remember to BE ALPHA! HAHAHAHAHA

Have you read your book today?

Have you gotten laid today?

Have you lifted brutal weights today?

Have you stabbed a random passer-by today?

*Because I Fucking Can.

Today, I went into the gym with the intention of doing partial back squats, heavy. I brought my camera in case anything interesting was to happen, and it did. A buddy of mine saw my setup and joked that I was going to overhead press. We laughed about that, and then he said, "No, seriously. Front squats?" At that point, it occurred to me that I had never tried partial front squats, and that they'd certainly be more brutal than partial back squats. I was right. Hours later, my biceps, shoulders, traps, and thighs are still cramping like crazy. These are worth trying, if for no other reason than it's fun to try new shit, and because you can.

Other people who espouse partials, for those multitudinous naysayers and shit-talkers running amok on the internet:

• Paul Anderson
• Brooks Kubik
• Hermann Goerner
• Louie Simmons

... just to name a few. Try 'em, and you'll see the utility.

*Hold the Fucking Phone- Behold the Alpha Male Challenge!

Oh my dear lord. I just finished this paean to weakness, and I have to say that I am viscerally shaken. My faith in humanity, what little was left, has been rent asunder, thrown into a sewer, and shit upon by albino rats the size of bull terriers. How could this be, though? Isn't this a book about Alpha Males? A call to arms for the last few ass-kicking, maidenhood-stealing, life-ruining, brigandage-loving, rough motherfuckers full of spit and vinegar to band together to wipe out the pseudo-males who currently surround us and confound our every effort to enjoy our lives?

Nope. It's a handbook for total pussies to follow so they can ape the real men, while refraining from actually engaging in any behavior Alpha males might enjoy. To wit, here's an actual bit of Q&A from the book:

"Q: Do I need to be an Alpha Male to start the program? A: Absolutely not."

Are you as shocked and horrified as I? You should be. As every rational person knows, one cannot be coached into becoming an alpha- it doesn't work. An alpha naturally leads. He naturally does what he fucking wants, and knocks the shit out of anything standing betwixt himself and the thing he wants, be it pussy or the contents of a bank vault. He doesn't require coaching reminiscent of "The Secret" to hope for what he wants, and he sure as shit doesn't use terms like "Alpha Empathy."

No amount of coaching is going to turn this poofter into Teddy Motherfucking Roosevelt.

This book, folks, is a tragedy of epic fucking proportions. Allow me to elucidate.

To begin, the book opens with a mealy-mouthed plea for men to stop being pussies, all the while giving a laundry list of excuses for why the "men" to whom they're appealing act like menopausal women. The authors, James Villepigue and Rick Collins, blame the stress of modern life for the paucity of testosterone running through the veins of American men, and offers them a "challenge" in the form of a "positive and empowering call to action." Sluts and motherfuckers, we are off to a shit-show of a start. They do, however, pause to give you a list of things you should not do if you want to keep your test levels up. They are as follows, with my parenthetical addendums:

• DO NOT MARRY (UNLESS YOU PLAN ON BEING A SWINGER). Test levels decline after marriage because the male is no longer competing for the attention of his mate. (pg 5)
  
• DON'T GET OLD OR FAT (UNLESS YOU'RE JACKING A SHITLOAD OF TEST). 1/3 of men over the age of 45 have clinically low testosterone levels, and the odds of low testosterone are 2.4 times higher in obese men. Additionally, test levels drop 1-2% a year after the age of 35, so you need to adjust your supplementation regimes accordingly. (pg 4)
  
• DO NOT, FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT'S HOLY, HAVE (LEGITIMATE) CHILDREN. Physically active males average 8 hours of exercise a week (pussies). Those with children, however, average a paltry 3.5. (pg 3)
  
• DO NOT LIVE IN THIS CENTURY (UNLESS TRIBULUS IS A CORNERSTONE OF YOUR SUPPLEMENTATION REGIME). A study in the Journal of Clinical Endocrinology and Metabolism showed a progressive decline in testosterone levels in men since 1987, and another study shows a steady drop in semen quality since it began being studied in 1934. (pg 7)

After those tidbits, however, the shit-show begins in earnest. Collins, who's an expert in steroid litigation and legality, and Villepigue, who's an expert in posing with his arms crossed, then call violent, assertive bad boys "faux alpha males", and suggests that becoming an "Alpha" will allow you to "be a better person and a better citizen, a better father and husband, a better co-worker or a better boss, [and] a better caretaker of yourself and those around you." HOLY HORSESHIT, BATMAN! Let's list some legendary alpha males and their credentials, shall we?

• Teddy Roosevelt. Insanely pissed off and motivated, he organized his own private army to join the Spanish American War after being denied a commission in the US Army. After leading the Rough Riders on a variety of near-suicidal missions, Roosevelt went on to the White House, where he fought pro boxers and wrestlers in the White House, regularly went skinny dipping in the Potomac, and refused to enter our nation into any wars because he would not be allowed to participate while in office. He was shot while giving a speech, then helped beat the shit out of his would-be assassin and finished the speech before going to the hospital. After retiring from politics, he embarked upon a badass expedition in the Amazon that resulted in having a river named after him. Finally, he was an accomplished writer and reader, and was fluent in multiple languages. "Get action. Seize the moment. Man was never intended to become an oyster."
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Genghis Khan. Insanely bad man who, after being orphaned, went on to conquer an entire continent. Genghis established the first high-speed long distance postal service, organized an army on the decimal system for the first time, killed millions of people ever year, and sired just about as many- 8% of the people in Asia, 700 years after his death, bear his genes. Though most of his time was spent with the business of killing anyone within arm's reach and building pyramids with their heads, Genghis still found time to marry six women and utilize a massive harem, and is crediting with fathering at least HUNDREDS of children, if not thousands. "The greatest pleasure is to vanquish your enemies and chase them before you, to rob them of their wealth and see those dear to them bathed in tears, to ride their horses and clasp to your bosom their wives and daughters."
  
  
  
  
  
  
• Ulf Hreda. Hreda's a lesser-known, yet still epically awesome Alpha male well known in Ireland of the 11th Century for slaughtering legions of motherfuckers with a broadsword. Under High King Brian Boru, Ulf the Quarrelsome (best nickname ever!) led an army through Ireland, uniting it under one rule and stabbing anyone who said boo to him before they could draw their swords. Did he need to do much else? I think not. "Wolf the Quarrelsome cut open Brodir's belly, and led him round and round the trunk of a tree, and so wound all his entrails out of him, and he did not die before they were all drawn out of him. Brodir's warriors were slain to a man."

THESE ARE ALPHA MALES, by the traditional definition, which is: a male in a pack of wolves, or a similar pack or troop of animals, that other members submit to and follow and that takes priority in mating with females (according to Encarta). They are not, however, the touchy-feely douches detailed in the soiled pages of The Alpha Male Challenge. They don't "value emotional intelligence" and then call this hippie psychobabble claptrap "alpha empathy", as do Villepigue and Collins on page 48- they're too busy fucking broads in public thoroughfares and slapping the living piss out of anyone who has something to say about it.

Behold the face of empathy.

AMC devotes an entire chapter to developing the proper mindset to ape an Alpha Male. This chapter coaches lesser men into acting in a confident manner by adopting a feigned air of competence and presence, which they claim will garner them respect. What it will really get them, however, is mocked for their misplaced sense of conscience, because every real man in the room will see right through that carefully-crafted facade of courageousness, mental toughness (HAHAHAHAHAHA), and "having a conscience". Do you think Genghis Khan had a conscience? I highly fucking doubt it. He was too busy trying to figure out how to rip out a man's inner child so he could roast it over an open fire and leave the less tasty bits to his pet falcons.

And how would you determine your Alpha-ness? Why, a "Malescale", of course!

I could not make this shit up if I tried. The Malescale has its readers answer ten questions on a scale of 1-10. Questions like:

• "I am very good at looking at things from the viewpoint of other people"
• "I tried my hardest over the past week to help people in need without being rewarded or expecting something in return"
• "I can resist eating my favorite junk food even when others are eating it in front of me"

Serenity now.

Thereafter, they list 5 assessments of Alpha Architecture:

1. Flexed bicep measurement
2. Chest to waist differential
3. Vertical leap
4. Max bench vs body weight (because "there is no greater measure of male superiority in the gym than the bench press". Really? I'm guessing they're referring to Bally's, and you'd have to look long and fucking hard to find anything resembling an Alpha Male in a commercial fitness center, methinks.)
5. The 300 run (25 yd gassers in between two lines)

So, rather than judging one's self on the ability to fuck bitches and lead men, as per the Encarta definition, it's how to impress Cultfitters at the Crossfit Games, or oily douches who've never trained legs at Bally's. Fan-fucking-tastic.

The diet section begins un-shittily, enumerating the benefits of eating in a Paleolithic fashion. The wheels then fall off, as they suggest a macro ratio that smacks of the zone, and tell their betas that it's ok to eat fruit popsicles (what kind of fucking man eats popsicles? Do they think the Duke ate them? Chuck Bronson just couldn't wait for a fudgesicle after dinner? Sweet baby Jesus.), drink milk, and eat bread and oatmeal, all of which is distinctly un-paleo. Oh, and did I mention that they suggest that you have lots of fresh fruit on hand for making SMOOTHIES?

I wasn't even trying to find a picture of a Jonas brother with a smoothie. I just googled Jamba Juice.

The horror of this book will haunt me for the remainder of my days. But there's more- the actual workout. I'm sure, by this point, you know that it's going to be less manly than a threesome between Michael Jackson, Liberace, and Eddie Izzard, and you're right- out of 52 exercises they listed (nevermind their power tube alternatives), 28 are machine exercises, 7 are ab exercises, and only three are actual compound movements. None of the workouts utilize lower than 6 reps, and the vast majority utilize rep schemes between 10 and 15 reps. Hardly man-makers, this lot. Hardly muscle-makers, either. They do, however, suggest you do cool Alpha Attitude Drills, like their Altruism one, when you attempt to hone your altruistic side by doing good works.

Egoism is the antithesis of altruism.  Arnold is altruism's nemesis.

That. Just. Happened. Or, you can choose from their "Play Heart Activity Menu, which has an alpha extreme: supervision required" list, including water skiing, parkour, sphereing, and triathlon. HOW THE FUCK WOULD ONE SEEK SUPERVISION WHILE FREE RUNNING? Oh, and if you're curious, sphereing consists of rolling downhill in a massive hamster ball. Yup.

In summary, consider self-castration with a rusty spoon as an alternative to following the form and letter of this book, which is so patently offensive to masculinity as a whole that the authors of this piece of shit should commit seppuku on Good Morning America in attrition for their actions. I think I need to go smash something with my bare hands while operating heavy machinery and drinking copious amounts of liquor, accompanied by multiple women of loose moral fiber.