**Fuck the Treadmill- I've Got A Real Warmup For You

I detest running. I detest stair climbing. Basically, I detest cardio in all of its myriad forms, save for those conducted while horizontal. Thus, it was a combination of that hatred, and the belief that there is absolutely no correlation between cardiovascular fitness and prepping for heavy lifting, that led me to start warming up in a highly unconventional, and moderately controversial, way.

I tan.

Yup, I tan. Now, before you assholes start screaming "GAY!" at the top of your lungs and scrubbing yourselves down with bleach to cleanse yourselves from what will undoubtedly be called the single gayest warm-up ever in forums around the internet, allow me to explain.

According to Chris Shugart:

"Studies on Vitamin D, sunlight, and performance go back for decades. Russian studies in the 1930's showed that 100M dash times improved in irradiated athletes vs. non-irradiated athletes undergoing the same training (7.4% improvement vs. 1.4%).

German studies in the 1940's showed that irradiation lead to a 13% improvement in performance on the bike ergometer vs. no improvement in the control group.

He might not look it, but I bet he loved tanning.

In the 1950's researchers saw a "convincing effect" on athletic performance after treating athletes at the Sports College of Cologne. Findings were so convincing that they notified the Olympic Committee.

At one point, even school children were irradiated and given large doses of Vitamin D in 1952 Germany. Treated children showed dramatic increases in overall fitness and cardiovascular performance. UV radiation was also shown to improve reaction times by 17% in a 1956 study.

In the 1960s, a group of American college women were treated with a single dose of ultraviolet irradiation. The results: improvements in strength, speed, and endurance.

Other studies showed "distinct seasonal variation" in the trainability of musculature. Basically, athletes performed better and got stronger in the late summer due to their greater exposure to the sun and subsequent Vitamin D production.

Vitamin D has also been shown to act directly on muscle to increase protein synthesis. Deficient subjects administered Vitamin D showed improvement in muscle protein anabolism and an increase in muscle mass.

Improvements in neuromuscular functioning have also been seen. People with higher levels of Vitamin D generally have better reaction time and balance."(1)

Thus, there might be a marked increase in training abilities after one has gone tanning. Additionally, I get awesome naps in tanning beds, so taking a preworkout upon entering the bed and busting out a ten minute nap is perfect, because the pre-workout wakes me up just as the bed is shutting off, I get a little catnap in, which leaves me more energetic (and possibly improving my cognitive and athletic performance),(2) and I'm brimming with Vitamin-D filled goodness.

Still unconvinced? The use of tanning lamps on German swimmers in 1927 was considered to be an example of "athletic unfairness" and was halted. Dr. Tim Ziegenfuss, a noted sports nutritionist and researcher, classifies Vitamin D as a hormone because its metabolic product (calcitriol) is a secosteroid hormone (a molecule that's very similar to a steroid).(3) THAT is fucking badass.

Finally, it's fucking pleasant, and I like having a tan.

So, if you want to jog around like you're Ron Fucking Burgundy, than by all means, have at it. Me? I'll enjoy my nap and my tan and my improved performance and revel in the fact that I'm strong enough that I need run from nothing- especially injury from failing to "properly warm up".

Maybe they're onto something...

1. Shugart, Chris. "D Is For Doping". T-Nation. http://www.tmuscle.com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance_nutrition/d_is_for_doping
2. Waterhouse J, Atkinson G, Edwards B, Reilly T. "The role of a short post-lunch nap in improving cognitive, motor, and sprint performance in participants with partial sleep deprivation." Research Institute for Sport and Exercise Sciences, Liverpool John Moores University, Liverpool, UK. J Sports Sci. 2007 Dec;25(14):1557-66. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17852691
3. Cannell JJ, Hollis BW, Sorenson MB, Taft TN, Anderson JJ.  Athletic performance and vitamin D.  Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2009. May;41(5):1102-10.  http://www.sseproducts.com/Athletic%20Performance%20and%20Vitamin%20D.pdf  (Russian, German, and American sources for athletic improvements from tanning contained therein.