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05 January 2010

**Fuck the Treadmill- I've Got A Real Warmup For You

I detest running. I detest stair climbing. Basically, I detest cardio in all of its myriad forms, save for those conducted while horizontal. Thus, it was a combination of that hatred, and the belief that there is absolutely no correlation between cardiovascular fitness and prepping for heavy lifting, that led me to start warming up in a highly unconventional, and moderately controversial, way.

I tan.

Yup, I tan. Now, before you assholes start screaming "GAY!" at the top of your lungs and scrubbing yourselves down with bleach to cleanse yourselves from what will undoubtedly be called the single gayest warm-up ever in forums around the internet, allow me to explain.

According to Chris Shugart:

"Studies on Vitamin D, sunlight, and performance go back for decades. Russian studies in the 1930's showed that 100M dash times improved in irradiated athletes vs. non-irradiated athletes undergoing the same training (7.4% improvement vs. 1.4%).
German studies in the 1940's showed that irradiation lead to a 13% improvement in performance on the bike ergometer vs. no improvement in the control group.
He might not look it, but I bet he loved tanning.
In the 1950's researchers saw a "convincing effect" on athletic performance after treating athletes at the Sports College of Cologne. Findings were so convincing that they notified the Olympic Committee.
At one point, even school children were irradiated and given large doses of Vitamin D in 1952 Germany. Treated children showed dramatic increases in overall fitness and cardiovascular performance. UV radiation was also shown to improve reaction times by 17% in a 1956 study.
In the 1960s, a group of American college women were treated with a single dose of ultraviolet irradiation. The results: improvements in strength, speed, and endurance.
Other studies showed "distinct seasonal variation" in the trainability of musculature. Basically, athletes performed better and got stronger in the late summer due to their greater exposure to the sun and subsequent Vitamin D production.
Vitamin D has also been shown to act directly on muscle to increase protein synthesis. Deficient subjects administered Vitamin D showed improvement in muscle protein anabolism and an increase in muscle mass.
Improvements in neuromuscular functioning have also been seen. People with higher levels of Vitamin D generally have better reaction time and balance."(1)

Thus, there might be a marked increase in training abilities after one has gone tanning. Additionally, I get awesome naps in tanning beds, so taking a preworkout upon entering the bed and busting out a ten minute nap is perfect, because the pre-workout wakes me up just as the bed is shutting off, I get a little catnap in, which leaves me more energetic (and possibly improving my cognitive and athletic performance),(2) and I'm brimming with Vitamin-D filled goodness.

Still unconvinced? The use of tanning lamps on German swimmers in 1927 was considered to be an example of "athletic unfairness" and was halted. Dr. Tim Ziegenfuss, a noted sports nutritionist and researcher, classifies Vitamin D as a hormone because its metabolic product (calcitriol) is a secosteroid hormone (a molecule that's very similar to a steroid).(3) THAT is fucking badass.

Finally, it's fucking pleasant, and I like having a tan.

So, if you want to jog around like you're Ron Fucking Burgundy, than by all means, have at it. Me? I'll enjoy my nap and my tan and my improved performance and revel in the fact that I'm strong enough that I need run from nothing- especially injury from failing to "properly warm up".

Maybe they're onto something...
  1. Shugart, Chris. "D Is For Doping". T-Nation. http://www.tmuscle.com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance_nutrition/d_is_for_doping
  2. Waterhouse J, Atkinson G, Edwards B, Reilly T. "The role of a short post-lunch nap in improving cognitive, motor, and sprint performance in participants with partial sleep deprivation." Research Institute for Sport and Exercise Sciences, Liverpool John Moores University, Liverpool, UK. J Sports Sci. 2007 Dec;25(14):1557-66. http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/17852691
  3. Cannell JJ, Hollis BW, Sorenson MB, Taft TN, Anderson JJ.  Athletic performance and vitamin D.  Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2009. May;41(5):1102-10.  http://www.sseproducts.com/Athletic%20Performance%20and%20Vitamin%20D.pdf  (Russian, German, and American sources for athletic improvements from tanning contained therein.

34 comments:

  1. Holy mutherfucking shit. Let me see if I get this timeline of events correct:
    (i) Jaimie starts tanning for some gay reason (probably noticed the guy behind the tanning counter and couldn't help himself).
    (ii) Jaimie realizes he likes tanning, and begins doing it regularly.
    (iii) The realization that tanning is for douches slowly creeps up on Jaimie, as he is forced into the shadows, surreptitiously quenching his gay thirst, hoping to not be caught - but secretly hoping to burst out of the closet and proclaim to the world his love for a year round bronzed look. But how to reconcile this with caveman e-persona? And his task was defined.
    (iv) Jaimie spends thousands of hours scouring 80 plus years of antiquated fitness academia. BAM! Irradiation...that's the key! Vitamin D is good for us ergo tanning is not gay. It's goddamned impenetrably sound logic.
    (v) Jaimie sits at computer and waits for the first passerby to throw water on Jaimie's paper thin veil, which feebly fails to cover his obviously vanity-driven pursuit.

    Well...here I am.

    ps - If you use the lotion, you aren't doing it just for the vitamin D.

    Toodles.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Who's Jaimie? That's the name of the dude that cuts my hedges.

    Who goes to a blog where someone posts advice about getting bigger muscles, reads the post, and then calls the blogger "vain"? Hey, pot...this is the kettle calling...you're black.

    And finally, who signs off with "Toodles"? Do you think you're funny? Or maybe you're the one who's the pole-smoker. Methinks the latter is the more logical choice.

    Don't be a vagina and then not sign your name.

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  3. Just seeing the name "Chris Shugart" away from T-Nation made me want to puke.

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  4. Was this post in any way related to the recent vitamin D study that just came out?

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  5. Heywood Jablowme....My name is John. Does your inability to follow obvious deadpan, as it weaves from subtely simple, to jokingly complex (and plainly obvious) irony hold you back in life?

    Just in case you missed it in the aforementioned - it was a joke.

    Oh, and I'm obviously fucking vain as evidenced by little more than writing something in public. No shit!

    John

    ReplyDelete
  6. 1) You guys would make an adorable couple.
    2) Jonnyboy, you are actually right, haha. All of my training is reverse-engineered. I figured out what worked and thereafter found the science to back it. Luckily, there's a shitload of science to back my training, which mean sI'm a modern day Nikola Tesla of training science, and that I might one day blow up Tunguska with the power of my mind. Recognize.

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  7. Obviously taking vitamin D tablets won't help you warm up, but do you think they will improve performance in the same way as tanning/irradiation does?

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  8. Any risk of cancer and wrinkling with this?

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  9. Jamie,

    Chaos and Pain is starting to sound more like Order and Pleasantries: http://zenworkout.blogspot.com/.

    Shit's weak, dog.

    ReplyDelete
  10. By the way, is it just me, or did anyone else think it's ironic that a guy that signs on as "Heywood Jablowme" is giving shit to John for not signing his name?

    Keep up the good work everybody, let's not take it too seriously, and Jamie is still the Man!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Easy with that order and pleasantries nonsense, fucker. Haha. More training shit to come this week. Never you fear.

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  12. Yeah Vitamin D is fucking crazy good for athletic performance and most importantly, testosterone. I was going to order some of the softgels from bodybuilding.com (as they are fucking expensive and lower dosage in New Zealand) but the shipping is damn near as much as the vitamins.

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  13. Why warm up at all? And is all the dangers of tanning worth the possible small gain in performace? They have this thing called "steroids" too...

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  14. Um, order and pleasantries actually STARTED his blog because he was upset by Jamie's training. Go back (all 4 gay entries) to his first post. If you can bob and weave through the gay, you'll find this guy knows nothing and is simply amusing.

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  15. Hahahaha. That's actually pretty fucking awesome. What a fucking poof that guy is.

    In re tanning- consult the broad who works the Olay counter at a department store. Chuck Bronson and Clint Eastwood had wrinkles, and pulled mad ass. Thus, I think, as a man, you should pull through.

    In re the "dangers of tanning", it's exactly that mentality that has led us to the epidemic of Vitamin D deficiency the US is currently experiencing. [url]http://jn.nutrition.org/cgi/content/full/135/11/2739S[/url] The sun is not your enemy.

    ReplyDelete
  16. You didn't catch on? Chaos and Pain ... Order and Pleasantries ... he even named his blog in opposition to yours!

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  17. I spent about 4 seconds looking at it initially. I saw running and yoga and bailed, haha.

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  18. He must be joking. Curling in the squat rack (at Bally's!) for "bicepts", soy in postworkout...he's obviously trying to be a complete antithesis of this blog and manliness.

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  19. I don't understand what is wrong with working your bicepts...

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  20. You guys think that Order and Pleasantries is a joke because you're too far removed from the world of commercial gyms. Believe me - based on what I see every day, there's actually a chance that this guy is legitimate.

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  21. Ha, I just came across your blog and wanted to let you know how pathetic I think you are. I feel terrible for your kids bro. Drug addicted father convinced that he's the essence of masculinity. You're embarrassing everyone, especially your family.

    ReplyDelete
  22. HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAAHAHA Wait ... when did Jamie say he has or would ever have kids? Your comprehension skills suck. I'm sure YOUR family would like you to return to primary school!

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  23. Can we all pls. let Jamie continue with his blogging instead of this social babble.

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  24. Ha, MBA from University of South Carolina. That's pretty funny. I love how this guy is always talking about other guys' penises. Jamie, go seek professional help for your micropenis. Don't drown yourself in druuuuuuuugs!

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  25. You are perhaps the oddest troll ever to grace the internet. Please, continue.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Did "paleo" man have access to testosterone boosters?

    Thanks in advance,
    Your Mom

    ReplyDelete
  27. Hmm, guess no one's interesting in my question when there's trolling to be done...

    ReplyDelete
  28. I totally missed your question the first time. In response, there's evidence to show that it would. Given that my multi megadoses it, I have no idea how much you'd need to take for it to have an effect. Trial and error, I suppose.

    To the troll- paleolithic man had no need of test boosters. He didn't have millennia of shitty breeding brought on by "sympathy" to combat, nor was he hip deep in phyto- and xeno- estrogens.

    As for my imaginary, silent children, to whom you've referred, they're immensely proud of me, thanks very much. What are you, fucking retarded?

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  29. The only children Jamie has are running down his leg after he exercises his wrists each morning. And FYI - you were apparently too much for order and pleasantries - he removed one of your comments!

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  30. lmao, at some of these responses.

    And Brian a new study came out about vitamin D. It is recomended that people take 5000iu a day, make sure its D3. However you won't need the extra vitamin D if its the summer time and your out in the sun a lot. It is said people in Hawaii who are outside some of the time get over 100,000iu of it a day.

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  31. Cheers Jamie. Next time I'm making a supps order I'll get something high potency.

    Dopamine, even in summer I won't get much sun here in Ireland. lol

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