*I Only Eat Food In Bar Form (The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You, Addendum)

Best. Simpsons Episode. Ever.

Homer Simpson: "I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told. That's why I'm compressing 5 pounds of spaghetti into a handy mouth-sized bar.

(eats it, then dials phone)

Hospital please."

That's about the long and the short of it. The fact that something is in a health food store, or is branded as a supplement, does not make it good for you, and does not mean that it's going to help you get stronger, more muscular, or leaner. People consistently fail to realize this fact, due to ignorance of what "healthy" is, because they're snowed by marketing, and because they are simply too fucking stupid to know the difference.

Though Homer seems like a fucking retard for having the idea that any food in a bar form is good for him, there are plenty of motherfuckers running around who erroneously think that the following are worth consuming:

Clif Bars

Better known as "The Superhighway to Type 2 Diabetes", this granola-filled shitpile of a "health food" contains a whopping 21 g of sugar weighed against a paltry 9 g of protein. As if that were not enough of a nutritional ass-raping, the Clif bar is chock full of man-tit and limp-cock making soy, which is just what every man needs in his life. "But the sugar comes from brown rice syrup" you say? Go fuck yourself. Sugars come in many forms, and guess what- THEY'RE STILL SUGAR. The source of the sugar is negligible when you're consuming 21g in a go, especially when it's consumed with Soy Protein Isolate, Organic Roasted Soybeans, Organic Soy Flour, Soy White Chocolate, and Organic Soy Butter. Soy white chocolate? What kind of fucking evil, man-hating cunt created soy-based chocolate? I've no idea who she is, but she is an evil bitch, and she definitely fucking hates you.

Did I mention they also make a "Builders Bar" that contains 20g of protein? Yup. Not only is the first fucking ingredient Soy Protein Isolate, but it also contains Organic Soy Protein Concentrate, Organic Oat Fiber, and Soy Lecithin. Yippee! If you happen to look them up, out of morbid curiosity, you'll see they contain "chicory syrup" and chicory. Chicory is essentially poor-man's coffee, so I thought perhaps that it was a shitty coffee flavoring thing, but no- that's a "non-FDA approved term (non GRAS and non- CFR compliant) for high fructose syrup." I don't know what Clif looks like, but I'd imagine it's a lot like this:

Balance Bars

Trust me- at some point, we've all grabbed one in a time of catabolism and scarfed it down, in hope that it will at least provide us with enough muscle-sparing properties to get us to real food. After all, it's based on the Crossfit approved Zone macronutrient ratio of 40% carbs, 30% protein, and 30% fat, so it has to be okay for you, right? Wrong, fuckface. That diet is spawned by the same mindset of mediocrity that produced the alleged television "comedy" show "Reba" and artistically disinclined, noisome, aural nightmare that is Muzak, both of which are proof that the gods all hate us. They're marginally better than Clif bars, in that they contain 13g of protein, but they still contain 16g of sugar, and 7g of fat. Six grams of that nutritional shit show comes from soy, and the sources of sugars is high maltose corn syrup and sugar. If that's not enough, these three fuckers below apparently love Balance Bars so much that they're willing to endorse them on bodybuilding.com. Note the startling lack of muscular development and abdominal definition on these these winners.

You're fat better off getting a Quarter Pounder from McDonalds, frankly- there's no sugar, no soy, costs the same, and you're getting 24g of protein. Plus, you won't have to associate yourself the the douches pictured above, so you win twice.

You're welcome.

Power Bar Protein+

I'm sure it goes without saying that these bars taste like shit. Anyone who's ever had the grave misfortune to try a powerbar has instantly regretted the decision. Well, with the Protein+ bar, you can add to that hobo's ass flavoristic stylings grittiness and a mild soy aftertaste. Yeah, they have 23g of protein in them, but they also contain 19g of sugar, and the ubiquitous soy protein with which we are perpetually plagued.

They suck.

Promax Bars

Anytime there's more sugar in the thing you're eating than protein, it's not fucking healthy. Promax can take their 20 grams of protein and stuff them up their undoubtedly fat asses, because eaters of these fucking things get to choose between diabetes and obesity at the end of their lives, or maybe get a bit of both. Twenty eight grams of sugar? What the fuck were they thinking?

They were probably thinking of adding soy protein. Thanks Promax! Go fuck yourselves.

He avoided Promax Bars, given his low bodyfat, but he couldn't avoid those snakes.

Any Brownie Sold in a Health Food Store, with the notable exception of the Met-Rx brownie

Brownies are not healthy, no matter where they're sold. If you eat Glenny's 100 Calorie Brownies, you are a fucking idiot for a couple of reasons.

1. You suck at math. They claim to contain 100 calories. 40 come from fat, apparently, in spite of the fact that they allegedly contain 4g of fat, which would be 36 calories (9 per gram, dummy). We'll put that idiocy aside for a moment and look at the carbs (12g) and protein (4 g). First, we'll tackle the carbs. They have 7g of fiber and 11g of sugar, which is 18g, not 12g. We'll pretend, however, that they simply left the fiber out because it's indigestable. 12+4 = 16, and 16x4 =64. 64+40 is 104. Thus, for a variety of reasons, Glenny is a liar, and probably a syphilitic whore, and you are mathematically retarded.
2. They're full to the fucking brim of soy. Enjoy your nonexistent libido.

While I'm on the subject, those 100 calorie snack things you invariably see women eating are fucking stupid. 100 calories of Doritos is still 100 calories of bullshit. Additionally, I've never seen a woman eat just one of the fucking things. Eating multiple small servings is the same thing as eating one big fucking serving, the exception being that the small servings all have their own packaging, which creates more trash, and is worse for the environment. Apparently, the simpletons eating those things hate everyone else as much as they hate themselves. Thanks, fatasses.

How in the fuck is "oops" possessive? Fat and stupid. She probably eats 100 calorie brownies.

Think before you eat, fuckers.