**Baddest Motherfuckers Ever #1- Maxick

Height: 5'4"
Weight: 147
Neck: 17"
Chest Expanded: 45 1/2"
Upper Arm: 16"
Forearm: 13"
Thigh: 23 1/4"
Calf: 15"

Born Max Sick in Wurtemburg on 28th June 1882, this motherfucker was born a pussy, plagued by lung trouble, rickets and dropsy. Not satisfied with all of the sucking he was doing, Maxick made a concrete dumbbell at age 10, which his dad promptly destroyed. Thereafter, he started flexing his ass off every night before going to bed, inadvertently creating the basis for his proprietary system of isometric and muscle control exercises that later comprised the Maxalding Technique. Part of this system was, and I am not bullshitting you (you can read his book here), is FLEXING ONE SIDE OF YOUR ABS AT A TIME. Not your obliques, but your fucking abdominals. Likewise, flexing individual ROWS of abs. Bizarre. Additionally, Maxick was a bit of a philosopher, making him the badass that Mike Mentzer might have been if he wasn't too busy ripping lines of speed of Ayn Rand booksinstead of reading the books and actually going to the gym.

Like me, he was a fucking midget, though I'm like fucking D-Bo compared to his 5 feet 3 3/4 inches and 145 to 147 pounds. Despite his diminutive size, however, that fucker set records in weightlifting that few heavyweights of his day could equal, and chump most of my lifts.

What did he lift?

According to David Willoughby's "Super Athletes" ( which you should buy if you've got any interest in not sucking at life), the following were done at a body weight that never exceeded 147 pounds:

Right Hand Military Press, 112 pounds ("performed with considerable ease").
Right Hand Snatch, 165 pounds. Right Hand Swing with Dumbbell, 150 pounds.
Right Hand jerk (shouldering the barbell with two hands), 239 pounds in Munich and 240 pounds in Johannesburg.
Two Hands Military Press, 230 pounds (made at a body weight of 145 pounds).
Two Hands Clean and jerk with Barbell, 272 pounds.
Two Hands Continental jerk with Barbell, 322 1/2 pounds in London and 340 pounds in Johannesburg. (In the Two Hands Snatch, he should have been capable of about 215 pounds.)

Of the foregoing lifts the most extraordinary were the one and two hand military presses and the one and two hand jerks.

Maxick's Two Hands Military Press of 230 pounds, which he performed in 1909, would be equivalent today to a lift in the same strict style of about 267 pounds, or to a Two Hands Olympic Press of about 312 pounds That is to say, in pressing power Maxick was the equal, in his day, of any of the light-weight Olympic champion pressers of the present time. In the One Hand Continental jerk, no such comparison can be made, since this style of one-arm lifting is no longer practised. In bringing a barbell "clean" to the shoulders with both hands, Maxick's record of 272 pounds would be equivalent to about 320 pounds today.

This, while a good lift, is a long way below the 360 pounds or more that the best lightweights clean and jerk today. It is rather in the jerk from the shoulders overhead that Maxick is seen to best ad-vantage, and his record of 340 pounds in this movement would be equal to no less than 400 pounds today. This is truly phenomenal lifting. It would appear to surpass by at least 20 pounds the best jerking ability of any present-day lightweight lifter.

On top of all that craziness, in 1913 Maxick:

1. Competing in something called finger pulling, which I assume had nothing to do with ripping ass, Maxick was "unbeatable," and could pull a 200-pound motherfucker clear across the table that separated them.
2. He pressed his manager, Tromp van Diggelen (185 pounds), overhead 16 times with his right arm, while HOLDING A FUCKING BEER IN HIS LEFT HAND, AND NEVER SPILLED A GODDAMNED DROP. Why Budweiser hasn't snatched that up and run a commercial using that scenario is retarded and embarrassing to them and marketers as a whole.
   
3. Holding van Diggelen aloft on one arm, Maxick ran his crazy ass up two flights of stairs with him and then ran down the two flights. Then, STANDING ON HIS FUCKING HANDS, ran the same stairs again.
   
4. At the Carlton Hotel one night, six empty champagne bottles were put before him. Each of these he filled three-quarters full with water (after he faced them, I'm sure) and then, taking bottle after bottle by the neck with his left hand, bitch-slapped the neck with his right like he was Snoop Dogg's uncle whooping the shit out of whore with his shoe, causing the bottom of each bottle to smash out!

If you're reading this, your eyes work, and you can see the dude was fucking ripped. That rippitudinosity stemmed from his "muscle control" system, which essentially consisted of flexing the fuck out of every muscle in his body in a specific order. He got good enough at that silly horseshit that he could make any desired group "dance" in time to music, and even impressed Eugen Sandow with his skill at getting crunk while flexing.

He wasn't a fan of the US, apparently, and peaced out to Argentina to open a couple of gyms. When not teaching people how to be at least a quarter of the awesome that he was, he wandered around in the Amazon, killing shit and generally being a German Teddy Roosevelt.

Maxick dropped dead in Buenos Aires at the age of 80, after a full day of beating the shit out of 200 lb dudes 50 years his junior at arm wrestling and riding his bike all over hell and gone. He was found with a note at his feet that read- "My heart is beating rather slow, I feel extremely cold, I think it will be over soon. Remember the infinite is our inner freedom manifested through the consciousness." Evidently, his heart was beating so slowly that he forgot how to use adverbs. ;)

"There was for me only one thought and one desire- to become strong- and everything else had to bow before this unconditional goal."

"Indeed, the essence of strength does not lie in the muscles, but in thought, just as the strength of a locomotive is found in the steam, rather than the wheels"

Recognize.

Sources:
Aston, Edward. "Maxick the Superman"
Maxick. "You Are as Strong as You Wish to Be" (which you fuckers should read)
Tyrrell, Russell. "Marvelous Max- The Story of Maxick." From The Iron Master, April 2000.
Webster, David. "The Iron Game." Scotland: Irvine, 1976.
Willoughby, David P. "The Super Athletes." New York: Barnes, 1970.


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*Yo Dog! I Wanna Look Like You! What Kind of Supplements Do You Take?

Certainly, one of the most annoying questions ever posed to me by strangers is this: "What supplements do you take?" Not "Damn, bro, what kind of program are you on?" or "How many times a week do you squat?" or "what program will work best for me?" Instead, it's "what supplements do I need to take to grow/shred/whatever." It's a fucking disgrace. Supplements hone a physique, polish a physique, and assist your training. they are not the end all, be all.

This douche just needs to lift some weights and not worry about taking Cell-Tech, or whatever else is the supp of the week.

That stated, here's what I take:
Greens- They help alkalize my pH, since my diet is so acidic, and my workouts are so brutal.
Psyllium Husk- Paleolithic people got 100-150 grams of fiber a day. I'm not trying to hit that number, but I want to get at least 50g a day for the health of my digestive tract.
Probiotics & Digestive Enzymes- Also great for keeping the digestive tract healthy, especially given the ridiculously high amounts of protein I consume.
Dessicated Liver- Filled with B-vitamins, and it covers the paucity of organ meats in my diet.
Milk Thistle- Cleanse the liver from binge drinking and supplement usage.
Animal Pak multivitamins- Best. Multi. Ever.
Omega 3 Fatty Acids- I don't eat fish, so I take this for leaning out and mental function.
Adrenal Caps- Help the adrenal glands recover from stimulant usage.
Mixed protein powder- I like the slow-acting blends because they leave me less hungry. Big fan of Matrix 5.0's Cookies n Cream.
Whey protein powder- I have whey for post workout, and it's a cheap way to bang back some protein.
Ultramet- I love this MRP, and it's a great way to get protein, fiber, and MCT.
ECA stack (ephedrine/caffeine/aspirin), or the ECY stack- Best way to get lean. Without question.
Redline Extreme- Huge fan of it as a preworkout boost, especially stacked with 25 mg of ephedrine. It's got a decent amount of Beta-Alanine in it as well, which helps with the vascularity and the pump a bit.
Oh Yeah and Supreme Protein Bars (the Almond Fudge Brownie and Peanut Butter Caramel flavors, respectively)- Great way to get a portable 30g of protein that taste good.

If I were to list the absolute essentials, they'd be Animal Stack, ECA stack, and Mixed Protein powders. I've gotten great results with just them, and they balance out any diet.

Shit I've found to be totally useless-
any MuscleTech product
any product with a name that emulates a steroid
HMB
Any non-VPX fatburners that are touted to be as good as the ECA stack.

Supps I like, but don't take regularly-
ALRI's supplements. Good shit.
Cholodrol. It's a halodrol knockoff that is toxic as shit to the liver, but gets you a bit fired up if you double the dose. As the price it costs to double the dose, though, you'd be better off with dbol
Anabolic Extreme makes good stuff as well.

Go lift weights, fuckers, and take some supps with any money you have left, but LIFT HEAVY.
Do it.

Arild Haugen. Huge, ripped, and STRONG AS FUCK.

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*ChAoS and PAIN - The Basics

So, by now, my fuckers, you've gotta be wondering what I'm on about- what C&P is all about. Before I start, anyone reading this who is a Wieder, Mentzer, or Rippetoe mark will scream "Overtraining!" at the top of their lungs, but won't actually run around the room smashing things simply out of fear that the overtraining boogeyman will steal their soul whilst they sleep if they actually lift things or move around when not doing the aforementions' paltry training volume.

To those people- there is absolutely no clearly defined method by which a person can predict their capacity for training, nor is there a set rule for what will always constitute overtraining. One can build their capacity for work to whatever level they so desire, provided they're willing to invest enough time and effort. As the Barbarian Brothers so succinctly stated, "there's no such thing as overtraining, just undereating and undersleeping."

The key tenet of Chaos and Pain is to train as much as you want, but to always be doing something useful. Machine work is rarely useful. Cable work is likewise rarely useful. Sets of 10 to 12 are useless to a degree that I find myself at a loss to articulate- the intensity is too low to produce results in anyone but genetic freaks, and fast twitch muscle fibers rarely get fatigued enough to stimulate growth with that rep scheme, unless you're using massive amounts of forced reps, drop sets, and other ridiculous intensity-raising methods. 5x5 will produce mediocre results for most, but that's inherent in the philosophy, as it's a low risk, low reward sort of enterprise.

On Chaos and Pain, you're going to train a MINIMUM of 5 days a week, if you're going balls out. I've never tried to pack the volume of work I do into less, really. I've had backoff weeks because my legs were cramping like crazy, which reduced my training load for a week, but this program is all about constantly busting your ass.

The exercises:
Squat
Front Squat
Clean and Press (and all of its variations... power cleans, push press, fat bar clean and press, log clean and press, dumbbell clean and press, reverse grip/fast curl and press)
Snatches (one and two arm)
Push Presses
Push Jerks (from the back)
Military presses (one and two arm)
Deadlifts (one arm, two arm, trap bar, etc)
Bench press (close grip, reverse grip, and regular flat bench)
Pullups (weighted and unweighted)
Dips (weighted and unweighted)
Shrugs
High Pulls
any other heavy ass exercise you want. Stones, steel suitcases, farmers walks, throwing weights for height or distance, etc. The key is that they're heavy, not conducted on a padded seat or bench (with the exception of bench press), and require you to be a fucking man while doing it.

The basics: I typically combine one push with one pull and one squat three times per week. The exercises are basically a grab bag, from which you can grab any of the above. On those three days, you will shoot for 15-30 total reps, depending on your rep scheme. Doing triples? go with 10x3. Doubles? I rarely do them, but shoot for 10-15 sets. Singles? They're my bread and butter, and I'll do anywhere from 15 to 30 of them, depending on the workout. I love them.

The key to getting ripped and strong on this program is to use AT LEAST 85% of your 1 rep max (1RM) on everything, and I like to stay in the 87.5%-100% range. That means HEAVY. Always. Well, almost always. If you're going to squat 3 times a week, make the midweek squat workout a light one. i like to load 135 or 225 on the bar and squat for time for a couple of sets. I just put a song on my ipod that's 2:30 or 3:00 for 135, or 1:30-2:00 for 225 and squat pretty much nonstop. If you start dying, just stand there under the weight.

Thus, one of the big three workouts might look like this:
Back Squat 10x3
Push Jerks from behind the neck 15x1
Weighted Pullups 5x4 ( I often end up doing slightly higher reps on pullups, since it's a pain to load the belt with small plates once you've got a couple of 45s on there.

If you choose to do clean and press, that counts as both a pull and a press. Thus, you can just kill yourself at that exercise, or you can do that and another exercise if you want.

So, what to do on the off days? I like busting out the ab wheel and one of the straps people use for hanging leg raises to work neck off a high cable, and doing high rep arms with a fat bar, and calves. I also quite enjoy doing the Bear, the Super Bear, or playing uncle by myself, or with a lifting partner.

That shit explained:
The Bear- it's a clean and press complex. I'd start with 95lbs and work my way up, were I you guys. It's a clean from the floor into a front squat, to an overhead press, to a back squat, to another overhead press, to a front squat, and then cleaning the bar back down to the floor. That's one rep. I like doing those for 5x5, or in an uncle format, which I'll address in a second.

The Super Bear- A buddy of mine and I decided that the Bear didn't suck enough, so we added two more squats- overhead squats, at the top of both overhead presses. Thus, it's clean to front squat, overhead press to overhead squat, then drop the bar on your back and back squat it, overhead press to overhead squat, then drop the bar on your collarbones and front squat, then back to the floor. Fun, right? I think we might have had a best of 5x5 with that using 115, and I was sore for a week.

Uncle- I've explained this. Pay attention, stupid.

Want a weekly program? Well, that would defy the very definition of the name. It's supposed to be chaotic. There's no need for periodization in my routine, since it's a constant adaptation phase. If you want an example of what a week might look like, here you go. just don't do this every week.

Monday:
Front Squat 12x1x455lbs (90% 1RM)
Shrugs 12x2x765lbs
Close grip BP 10x3x315
Note: DO NOT OVERHEAD PRESS ON THE SAME DAY YOU SHRUG. YOUR TRAPS CRAMP UP LIKE THEY WANT YOU DEAD.

Tuesday:
Clean and press, 30 reps with 135lbs as fast as possible
Ab wheel 5x10

Wednesday
Back Squat for time. 2:30x3x135lbs
Weighted Pullups 7x4x100lbs
Push Jerks 5x3x255, 3x1x275, 2x1x285

Thursday
Donkey Calf Raise 10x10xthe stack
Ab Wheel 3x5 standing
Unweighted pullups 100 reps

Friday
Back squat 15x1x565
Bent over rows 6x6x315
Military press 12x2x200

Saturday
Arms, with the fat bar, giant-setting reverse curls with overhead tricep extensions and behind the neck press, for 30 mins with 20 second rest in between sets.

Sunday
Rest

The program does have a basis in Waterbury, in addition to the Bulgarian training regime, Arnold's high volume stuff, and an abject hatred of Mike Mentzer thrown in for good measure.

Look at these two douches. The one on the left is Mentzer, presumably at a mustache convention.

A word on rest periods- rest as little as possible. I typically rest about 45 seconds to one minute in between sets, singles included. That keeps the heart rate up, burns the Kcals, and improves your muscular endurance while building strength.

I do like doing jump sets, Waterbury style. I'll typically do them on my push-pull exercises, doing something along the lines of close grips jump setted with bent rows. I keep my rests super low, so it's almost a superset, but if you're working opposing muscle groups, the antagonist of the muscle you're working relaxes completely, so you should be pretty fresh, albeit winded.

On your off days, feel free to work your weak points if they're not too fatigued. There are weeks that I'll train shoulders 5x, but never do the same thing two days in a row. I always change the sets and reps, at least, and typically change the exercises as well. Thus, whatever bodypart you want to bring up, try training it 5 or 6 times a week, but alternate heave and light days, and cycle exercises.

An example:
Monday- Push Jerks 15x1
Tuesday- unloaded fat bar behind the neck press as part of a tri-set
Wednesday- Strict Military press (standing, feet together, no leg drive) 5x6
Thursday- Bodyweight dips (hits the front delts a bit)
Friday- Clean and Press 10x3
Saturday- Axe Hold with dumbbells for time

That's ChAoS and PAIN in a nutshell. A bloody great big nutshell. You love it. Now go lift something heavy until your fucking eyes bleed.


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*SHOW ME YOUR FUCKING METAL FACE!

To this day, I have no idea what the fuck was going on with that gay Viennese dude behind me. He clearly intended to slip me roofies and try to play a little game we like to call "Just the tip" (just for a second, just to see how it feels) at some point in the evening. I escaped with my anal virginity intact, however. Or, at least, I think I did.

Hit two PRs (personal records) yesterday- 605 on the deadlift and 385 on reverse grip bench. I expect to break 400 on bench within the month, which will be a hell of a thing, especially if I do it with a reverse grip. I'd post a vid, but my lifting partner only managed to capture the setup, so I'll have to wait for the next time I hit a pr.

One arm dl with 385 a couple of months ago. Like my Jon Pall impersonation?

An amusing anecdote from this week of milestones was that my ex-girlfriend declared it "unhealthy" to have 5% bodyfat if you're not a bodybuilder. There was no mention of why, just an emphatic (and wholly incorrect) assessment of my overall health. Odd, especially given the fact that she wants to be a Redline girl.

Hitting 5% bodyfat the same week one deads over 600 for the first time is not something you can do with a conventional program. This is why I am spreading the gospel of ChAoS and PAIN.

Death to our enemies.

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*Caveman Training

Dunno if you guys have seen this, but I thought if you were Googling shit, I wanted to be clear that I have nothing whatsoever in common with this silly horseshit: http://www.athleticperformanceinc.biz/videos

"Caveman Training" is repackaged Crossfit, with more of an emphasis on extremely light strongman events than extremely light Olympic Lifting events. It's lame as fuck.

You want to do a medley? Here you go, a medley just for you, which I did a couple of months ago.

10 sets of doubles with 90% of your 1RM in Squat and Deadlift. You superset the lifts, take a minute (ONLY one minute) between supersets, and resume. If you gas, and you will, my fuckers, you will, switch to singles, but DO NOT drop the weights or extend the rests. THAT is a fucking man-maker, and lacks a cute Crossfit name.

As I recall, I used 525 on the squat and 506 on the deadlift, which at the time corresponded to 89.7% and 89.5% of my 1RM on each lift, respectively. It was brutal, and I was sore for a few days, but it was fun as hell, and I was all business stalking back and forth between the rack and the platform for about 20 minutes.

Stalking my prey. Or just around the gym. I guess the weights are my prey, so yeah, stalking my prey.

Go forth and conquer.


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*Eat Like a Motherfucking Caveman, Part Zwei

So, you by now have grasped the concept that people have not always eaten the same foods, right? I hope to fucking god you have, or else I'll have to send Tommy Boy to your seat to hit you in the head with a hammer, because you're a fucking retard.So, back in the day, motherfuckers wandered around with spears and rocks, killing anything they could and eating every last morsel. With the advent of cooking, consumption of all foods became easier, as it reduced the amount of mastication necessary to swallow and digest the food. Still, humans only ate what they could find, which essentially amounted to meat, nuts, seeds, and veggies, with the occasional handful of berries thrown in for good measure. Each locality had its own distinctive selection of flora and fauna, but they all essentially consisted of the same basic food groups. Though I can hardly fathom why, people in the Mideast and Southeast Asia began eating a shitload of grasses, and planting them, which eventually resulted in modern rice and grains. Shitty, I know. When that occurred, people shrunk in stature, developed metabolic diseases that were at that time unknown, and generally fucked themselves right in the ass.

From this, we know what not to eat, and why. Here's the list:

Soy- For the love of all that's holy, avoid this shit like the plague if you're a non-Asian man. Asians might have adapted to eating that crap, but it's sick, unhealthy, and downright unnatural for any non-Asian male to eat it. An unpublished study from Dr. Mike Fitzpatrick of New Zealand associates soy consumption with biological changes in the function of sex glands, thyroid, and central nervous system with soy isoflavones. Additionally, soy contains high concentrations of phytic acid, which blocks the uptake of calcium, zinc, and magnesium. Low zinc throws your copper levels out of whack, which in turn destroys your thyroid function. Formula with soy in it delivers more estrogen to the babies who consume it than is contained in 10 birth control pills! For the love of your test levels, avoid that shit.(1, pp. 79-81)

Beans in general- Many beans are extremely toxic if consumed raw (like soybeans and lima beans), while all others are inedible. All beans contain alkaloids that protect them from animals (lima beans contain high levels of cyanide), and fava beans contain 3 different toxins that cause favism in some people (even if cooked). (2, p. 56) Even grean beans contain prussic acid, which is toxic in high levels. Thus, beans are bad, mmmmkay? Peanuts and cashews are beans, by the way, and cashews grow from a plant related to poison ivy, so they can be fatally toxic raw (it's one of the most common plant-related calls to the Poison Control Center).

Tubers- Like I stated in the previous post, I'm not sure as to the reasoning here, as it's well documented that hunter-gatherers and ancient hominids ate tubers. Near as I can tell, it's just that modern tubers are far more starchy than their ancient predecessors. Turnips are ok'd by Cordain, but poo-pooed by Audette, which is silly to me, as they're hardly high in carbs, as beets are. Beets are essentially sugar in a root form.

Corn- Corn's off limits due to the high concentration of aflatoxins in them (also in grains and peanuts). Aflatoxins are produced by Asparilla Rust, and are linked to liver, pancreatic, and esophogeal cancer. They are theus bad. (2, p. 55)

Grains- Wheat, corn, rice, oats, barley, rye, and other seeds of grasses require milling and long cooking to be made edible. When ground, raw grain and water make paper mache, and causes severe digestive distress in all primates. As such, it's wise to avoid them. (2, p. 54)

What's this mean for you? Well, it's food for fucking thought, ok? I combine this diet with Metabolic Typing, which I'll address when I'm good and ready, and carbohydrate cycling to make my diet. It all sounds like a massive pain in the ass, but it's actually pretty fun. Thus, prepare yourselves for some fun in the coming weeks.

1. Tacchi, Carol Simon. The Crazy Makers: How the Food Industry is Destroying Our Brains and Harming Our Children. New York: Jeremy P. Tarcher, 2007.
2. Audette, Neanderthin.

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**You Can Be Strong as Fuck, or Ripped to Shreds...

Oh yeah? That IS standard bodybuilding knowledge. I've been to Muscle Beach and Watched Paul Dillett waddle around like a pregnant woman in a purple sweatshirt, grunting and groaning over so 40 lb dumbbell presses, and I've seen Craig Titus bang through 4 sets of 12 on cable crossovers with less than half the stack, and retire, exhausted, to whatever the fuck the chicken place next door is for a "well-deserved" repast. Oh, and the "strong" bodybuilders? Chris Cormier does his "massive poundages with half (at fucking best) reps, spending the rest of his time maddogging everyone in the gym he sees who's nearly as strong as him.

Weak as a kitten with AIDS.

Conventional powerlifting wisdom is that one needs a massive gut to support their massive squats. THAT'S why they're fat. It has nothing to do with a lack of self-discipline. Hahaha. Suuuuuuure. And I'm a Chinese jet pilot.

It's not his fault he's fat. And weak.

I'm here to tell you, my fuckers, unequivocably, that none of that shit is true. Last night, I had my bodyfat caliper tested, and was astonished to find that it's somewhere between 4.3 and 5.3%. That's on my regular diet. No precontest horseshit. Two three hour cheat windows a week, and last week I drank my fucking face off twice. In one week, I back squatted 585 and front squatted 485 for easy singles, at the end of long workouts, within four days of each other, only wearing a belt, at a bodyweight of 176.

Taken that week. Represent.

The next time someone tells you that it can't be done, that you can't be lean and big and strong, all simultaneously, slap them dead in the mouth, rape their girlfriend, and then go lift something heavy. you'll be a better man for it, and hopefully they'll kill themselves. With luck, in a few years, that fucking lie will be as dead as those fat, lazy motherfuckers who uttered it.

Kill their mothers, rape their dogs.
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