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15 December 2009

**10 Reasons Stuart McRobert Can Go Fuck Himself

This is an article I wrote for the good people over at Muscle and Brawn, and thought I'd share it with you fuckers as well. I've spiced it up a bit here, but if you want to check out the original, go here.



1) Stuart McRobert is terrified of his own fucking shadow. His entire training philosophy, from his Brawn books, to Lose Fat, Get Fit, to his myriad articles, centers around the central premise of fear. McRobert is afraid of overtraining. He’s afraid of “dangerous exercises”. He’s afraid of injury. He’s afraid of cameras (has anyone EVER seen a picture of this “guru”?) He’s probably afraid of a litany of other things as well, but I’ve no interest in enumerating the lot of them. The main problem with this first point, other than the glaring issue of the fact that he’s a massive, bloody vagina, is the fact that he’s been able to spread his disgusting tripe all over bookstores and the internet for going on 20 years, leaving a pile of slack-jawed pussies, lowered testosterone levels, and heightened serum cortisol levels in his wake. As such, he can go fuck himself.



His mystery is exceeded only by his lack of power.

2) He’s completely preoccupied with genetics. McRobert has espoused that everyone train within their genetic potential for the entirety of his career. There are some obvious problems with this approach- namely, it automatically sets arbitrary limits and assumes failure, fails to give an adequate standard by which one could gauge one’s level of genetic fitness for bodybuilding, predicates his approach on a system of somatotyping that was abandoned and ridiculed by every single accredited person in the medical community decades ago, and apparently never heard of the idea that ontogenic adaptation and evolution occurs. Thus, he’s either willfully ignorant of reality, or is deliberately utilizing the public forum he has built to deliberately mislead people. He should begin fucking himself, stat.





THAT is bad genetics.

3) He coined the term “hardgainer.” Though he coined this term, he at no point demonstrated conclusively a manner by which one could objectively determine one’s self to be one, thereby creating legions of pasty-faced assholes who will blather on about being hardgainers simply because they’ve never trained hard a day in their lives, their diets suck shit, they don’t squat or deadlift, and they think a workout routine consists of milling about Nautilus equipment for 45 minutes a day, three times a week. McRobert and his legions of hardgainers can go fuck themselves- they’re pussies though, so it won’t be the epic, Max Hardcore fucking they deserve.

Possible hardgainer, though he probably just needs to eat more calories and fucking squat, already. Kind of looks like a black Michael Jackson, now that I really look at him.


4) He espouses safe training. What the fuck should be safe about training? If one’s life is not in imminent peril, where’s one’s motivation to lift a given weight? Furthermore, what the fuck is fun about being safe? What kid likes to wear a helmet when he rides a bike? What person likes to drive at or below the posted speed limit? What person likes watered-down alcohol? What person wants to box their friends wearing adequate protective gear? I’ll tell you who- desperately boring, testosterone-deficient, slack-jawed pussies who fear innovation, vibrance, and anything interesting, and who wouldn’t know a good time if ten topless, big-tittied sluts in micro-mini jean skirts awakened them from a dead sleep with the promise of 6 weeks of nonstop oral pleasure and drunken fisticuffs. The type of person who’s favorite color is beige and thinks that Barry Manilow is acceptable music to fuel a lifting session. You know who doesn’t like safe training? Anyone who wants to win a lifting competition, succeed in life, snap necks and cash checks, bend a chick over the counter at Denny’s in front of a bevy of startled onlookers and then smile for the cameraphones clicking away while wondering the name of the chick he’s penetrating. Angry, misanthropic, tattooed and goateed people who think that Godsmack is easy-listening music and who could total elite without gear, half asleep, and recovering from the flu, that’s who. Both safety and Stuart McRobert can go fuck themselves.

A Public Service Announcement from Chuck Zito: "FUCK SAFETY. That is all."


5) He’s evidently never heard of the Bulgarian Olympic Weightlifting Team. McRobert’s posted a “Ten Commandments” online, ostensibly to further fuck with the hearts and minds of bodybuilding aficionados everywhere, in which three of his commandments are “Weight train no more than three times a week”, “Don't skimp on warmup sets”, and “Do no more than 20 work sets per workout (not per body part, per workout!).” Bereft of explanation, these statements hardly require any, as any attempt at elucidation would only highlight further his myriad shortcomings and illogic. As anyone who lifts knows the Bulgarians are all brutally strong, Olympic Gold medal snatching, muscular motherfuckers from a nation so shit-poor and awful that in spite of the fact that it’s located right next to the ├╝ber-shithole Turkey, its population is actually decreasing as its population goes anywhere else. The Bulgarians are hardly known for being a physically powerful people, yet in spite of their seeming genetic shortfall, they’ve amassed huge numbers of Olympic medals by virtue of the fact that they train harder than everyone. Bulgarians train 6 days a week, for 6 to 8 hours a day, most of which is 85% of their one rep max or greater. Thus, they’re doing “unsafe” exercises with hideously “unsafe” weights, for exponentially greater amounts of time than the wise Mr. McRobert suggests. Furthermore, according to Leo Costa, they barely warm up at all. Thus, they are living proof that McRobert is a pussy, and he should go fuck himself.


Ivan Stoitsov wakes up in the morning and pisses excellence. 77kg lifter who is ripped to fucking pieces and totals 368kg, all from training a mere 40 hours a week.


6) HE HAS HORRIFYINGLY LOW STANDARDS. He thinks that a man of average height (which we’ll assume is 5’10”), at “"just" 190 pounds and 10% bodyfat will drop the jaws of almost everyone,” and that such a physique “would have won you big contests 40+ years ago.” This statement is patently absurd, for a wide variety of reasons. First, bodybuilders of the 1980s and 1990s were, by and large, well over 190 lbs, with the exception of perhaps Flavio Baccianini. He was practically a fucking midget however, so that hardly counts. Second, 10% bodyfat, for anyone under 280 lbs, is hardly impressive. Thus, McRobert sets the bar low and encourages his trainees to aim lower, due to their genetics. Stuart McRobert and genetics can go fuck themselves.

Yeah. I can't wait to look like this, Stewie. Behold the face of 10% bodyfat.


7) HIS DIET ADVICE BLOWS. McRobert advocates the consumption of less than one gram of protein per pound of bodyweight. Given that most paleolithic dieting authors, who are hardly bodybuilding enthusiasts, advocate protein consumption in excess of this, McRobert is an ass. If humans in the wild readily consume up to 65% (according to Loren Codain) of their daily calories in the form of protein, it stands to reason that modern trainees should do, at the very least, the same. Apparently, McRobert thinks that he knows better, in spite of the fact that he couldn’t match any Paleolithic human in any contest of strength or endurance. I’m sure there’s a bisexual Paleolithic man somewhere on the planet who wouldn’t mind helping ol’ Stu go fuck himself.

They ate more than a gram of protein per lb of bodyweight a day, and all they got was a ripped six pack.


8) He espouses amusingly infrequent training. McRobert actually typed the following words: “While it seems to be easier, at least for some people, to build strength on infrequent training schedules where a given exercise or bodypart is trained less often than once a week, many people seem to need a bit more frequency-twice every 7-10 days or so per bodypart, though not necessarily the same frequency for each area-in order to produce muscle growth.” That just happened. Who get better at something by doing less of it? The answer: NO-FUCKING-ONE. If you think HIT is the answer, it’s because you’re less of a man than RuPaul and you think that training might give you ugly, big muscles. You shouldn’t be reading this site- you should be on an anorexic-friendly site wherein everyone cheers you on while you starve yourself. No one has ever gotten better or bigger by doing less of anything, unless you’re a circus fat man or you were doing way too much of the wrong fucking thing, and you started doing the right thing. McRobert and infrequent training advocates can go fuck themselves ever 7-10 days. Fucking retards.

He got this shitty physique by training an hour and a half a month, then blogged about it. his parents must fucking hate him. I know I do.


9) He thinks you’re as big a pussy as he is. McRobert recommends you eschew singles, doubles, and triples, because you might get hurt! God forfuckingbid you get stronger, but you might hurt yourself in the process. Apparently having never even heard of the stock market, or being a sole advocate of low risk/low yield mutual funds, McRobert thinks that lifting like the biggest pussy of all time will make you slightly stronger, very slowly. While he’s very slowly getting stronger, he can very slowly ease his own cock into his ass and go fuck himself. No fucking risk, no goddamned reward. Go big, or get the fuck out of the gym and let the men handle the lifting.

Shit happens.

10) HE CLAIMS YOU SHOULD ONLY DEADLIFT WITH A FLAT BACK. Oh yeah? Ever seen Andy Bolton dead 1000+? I have, and the very last thing that was employed was a flat back. Certainly, in training, it’s something to which one should aspire, but when you’re busting ass, Brooks Kubik and Andy Bolton both agree- GET THE FUCKING WEIGHT OFF THE GROUND, AND FUCK YOUR LOWER BACK. McRobert and his bitch-ass lower back can go fuck themselves. Kubik cited John Jesse 's book, "The Wrestling Physical Conditioning Enclyclopedia" that "“The use of heavy sandbags and their large circumference forces the lifter to do his lifting with a round back instead of the traditional straight back lifting with a barbell. It is this type of lifting that truly develops a strong back. It develops the back and side muscles in movements that are identical to the lifting and pulling movements of wrestling.”




Looks like round-back lifting +1003 lbs = world fucking record.



If you found this article offensive, feel free to go fuck yourself. You probably lack the mental acuity to understand the points I’ve made, the courage to anally rape yourself, or the strength to take yourself by force, but I still wholeheartedly encourage you to fuck yourself good and hard. Just be careful to make it an abbreviated session, as you wouldn’t want to overtrain.






27 comments :

  1. Nailed it, man! This guy must be a friend of Rippetoe.

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  2. F***in A! Speak the truth brother.

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  3. So my workout today that consisted of 12 x 2 squat, 8 x 3 thick bar standing overhead press, and 12 x 2 in the hand and thigh lift was overtraining, undertraining, dangerous and misanthropic all at once? Would it change if I told him that tomorrow I'll be doing Snatch Grip Deads off a step, reverse grip thick bar floor press and thick bar deadlifts?

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  4. Oh by the way McRobert I'm that skinny-fat high school benchwarmer that couldn't do a pull up. I should probably aim low so as not to disappoint myself, right? Damn that guy sounds like my high school guidance counselor that recommended I go to Vo-Tech school.

    Sorry about the rant tailhooked on to your rant. I just remember listening to this jerk off when I was younger and getting NOWHERE.

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  5. Haha! I see you are a professional asshole now!
    Well done, sir.

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  6. In response to #8:

    http://www.outsidetheboxexperiment.com/2009/08/high-intensity-training-results-revisted/

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  7. In fairness to point #8, that is the "before" pic. the guy actually made good progress in a short time.
    Lot of ways to skin the cat, guys.

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  8. Teoder -

    You are not "bigger" in the picture on the right (the "after") picture, it's just zoomed in more or you is standing closer to the camera (you can tell by comparing the hight). Are you leaner? Yeah, a bit. Nothing that could not be accomplished by a month of diet change.

    In fact, I was SO curious about your progress (I'm willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt), that I took your combined before/after picture, and made the following alterations to make a visual comparison easier:

    1. Made the "after" portion a new layer for easy manipulation, and took it out of the base layer.

    2. Clipped the left side of the "after" picture and slid it to the left, to get the two pictures of you as close a possible, for easier comparison.

    3. Adjusted the vertical placement of the "after" picture, using the molding on the bottom of the wall as a guide.

    4. Rescaled the "after" layer so that your head and feet lined up. In other words, I scaled it down so that you are actually the same hight in each one. I maintained the aspect ratio during this procedure, to ensure that I was not making you look squat, skinny, etc. by accident.

    You can view the modified picture here:
    http://www.thesophist.com/images/HIT-Picture.jpg

    I think it speaks for itself. You've shed a few pounds in water weight. That's not a total lack of accomplishment in this world of chronically overweight people, but it's hardly something where you can say, "yeah, HIT works!" If you just got started, especially if you were a couch potato to begin with, even the moderate amount of excersize combined with some modifications to your diet, shedding a few pounds and maybe adding a couple of pounds of lean mass is totally possible. As the old saying goes, a beginner can walk into a gym and just put the weights away and gain muscle. Again, I'm not disparaging the progress that you've made, but it's hardly provable that HIT was the reason for it, and if you started from nothing, it is no surprise that you made progress, regardless of what you did.

    I dropped 40 lbs. in one month once by living exclusively on frozen burritos (the trick is to only buy 1 bag of 10 per week, and eat one a day and 2 on "good days"). I'd have to say that I looked better after one month on the frozen burrito diet than he does after a month of HIT. I used to stay lean and eat nothing but cheese sticks, jalepeno poppers, beer, and gas station hot dogs (again, the "trick" is to eat very little of it), occassionally supplemented by cranberry juice and vodka. Again, I looked better than he does in *either* of those pictures. Needless to say, I do not recommend the "frozen burrito diet" or the "hot dogs 'n beer" diet to anyone trying to lean down.

    J.Ja

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  9. Ouch! You have a lot of time on your hands, J Ja, hahaha.

    Additionally, that was his second go-round with HIT, to my understanding.

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  10. Hmm. OK.

    One more thing Stuart McRobert is scared of is shit. Why?

    Brooks Kubik, of Dinosaur Training fame visited Stewie in Cypress when he was still writing for Hardgainer. Rumor has it that they got along so poorly that Kubik smeared shit all over McRobert's bathroom walls when he left.

    I know for powahmijits, it's SOP to smear your shit (yours or otherwise) on the walls of people you dislike, but it's unheard of for an attorney of note, like Kubiks, to do the same.

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  11. That HIT dude is a fucking retard. What kind of slack jawed faggot likes to train only one hour and seventeen minutes a month?

    Apparently the answer is right there. Some dipshit named Teodore.

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  12. I did notice that his posture got worse from photo #1 to photo #2. He has a pronounced left lateral translation of his thorax in picture 2. Notice how his upper body is shifted to his left and there is more space between his arm and his ribs on the left side in pic 2?

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  13. You guys love to analyze pics. I blame facebook. We should all be lifting something heavy right now. Epic fail.

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  14. ... says the midget that posts an average of 5 pictures a blog ... LOL

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  15. Not that much time, only took me 2 or 3 minutes to do that. I've done a ton of really basic graphics editing work over the years, comes with the territory.

    J.Ja

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  16. ..and I analyze posture for a living, LOL.

    Hey, a serious C & P question: I am well aware that you recommend weights in excess of 85% as a rule, but I find my best work getting done with weights between 70 and 90%, with the majority falling in the 75-85 range. Maybe its because I adjust patients for 7 hours after lifting, but I tend to develop problems when I go as heavy as you recommend. Steve Justa in Rock, Iron, Steel says the 70-80% range is the target zone, so I'm thinking either a) different strokes for different folks (probably the most accurate) or b) I have not properly acclimated to the intensities described.

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  17. Do whatever works best for you- that's the essence of what I'm preaching. My contention with most people is that their brains get in the way of their lifting, and they do far too much bloviating about lifting, and then hemming and hawing about programming and modal domains, rather than just going in the gym and lifting. I'd say the answer to the second part of your question is a mix of both a and b. Additionally, based on the strenuous nature of your job, you could probably use a variety of intensities.

    For Steve P at Iron Sport, I'll remind you guys that while Justa is an amusing diversion and something of an innovator, he's weak as a kitten and a fat sack of shit, in addition to being a terrible musician and looking like a fucking hobo.

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  18. DUDE U SHOULD CHECKOUT
    http://ditillo2.blogspot.com
    LOTS OF INFO ON OLD TIME STRONGMEN
    I THINK U'D LIKE IT

    ReplyDelete
  19. U MAY LIKE
    POWERANDBULK.COM
    TOO UR TYPE OF PEOPLE I THINK

    ReplyDelete
  20. I DON'T KNOW WHAT WE'RE YELLING ABOUT!!!!

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  21. Steve Justa is weak as a kitten? Please explain this comment.

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  22. I outlift Steve Justa on just about everything, yet he's twice my bodyweight. I'd say that makes him weak. He probably chumps me on lifting refuse though- he's apparently a hell of a garbage man. He's is the HIGH PLAINS HEAVY METAL MASTER!
    HEY THERE!
    HE'S THE HIGH PLAINS
    HEAVY METAL IRON MASTER, BOY!
    YEEEEEEEAAAAAHHH!
    THAT'S RIGHT BOY!
    IF YOU NEED SOME WORKOUT TIPS, JUST SEND HIM 20 DOLLARS!
    TO HARVARD NEBRASKA!
    BOX 97!
    68944!
    20 DOLLARS FOR WORKOUT TIPS!

    Then you too can dress like a dirty hobo, be fat, sing shitty songs on the internet, and rock a truck back and forth on its chassis in an inexplicable and ridiculous video!

    His "get ripped quick" scheme is to quit your job and collect scrap metal for a living. Wow.

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  23. I DO EVERYTHING HEAVY, BOY!
    I NEED TO MAKE SOME MONEY BOY!
    Fucking epic.

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  24. and to think i wasted good money on shit books...and read them all!there goes a few hours and a few dollars i'll never get back in my life.would've been better off just going to the gym those days a squat till i puked.would've gotten the same effect.tired and sick to my stomach...

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  25. what a angry dude. His growpotential the week he was writing his frustration down gives him no spurt. A true wordsdiarrhea, hahaha

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