The Stupidity of a Pec-Centric Program

Monday is a unique day in every gym in America. As the esteemed first day of the work week, it is the day that you'll see the tourists in the gym- slobs who decide every week that THIS is the week that they'll get their fatass in shape. You'll never see them in the gym between Wednesday and Sunday, and chances are pretty fucking good that you'll never see them again 90 days from their first visit.

The other phenomenon, and certainly the more sickening of the two, is that you will see the majority of the regulars battling over two areas of the gym on any given Monday. the first area of contention will be any horizontal, padded apparatus on which someone might exercise their pectorals, and the other is the area typically reserved for power and Olympic lifting. That area is typically empty, so every sad sack of shit in the gym seems to think that this is the place to conduct innumerable sets of biceps, bullshit involving a Swiss ball, and myriad other exercises no useful human being would do as anything other than a goof. This, my friends, is the environment into which we must lower ourselves in gyms around America every Monday. This is our proving ground, both physically and mentally, where we forge our bodies and hone and deepen our hatred for our fellow man.

But why, you might ask, is this phenomenon so pervasive? To truly understand the problem at hand, one must first understand its history. The following is a brief history of the exercise at issue.

The bench press is one of only a couple of free weight exercises invented in the 20th century. The bench press has its roots, however, in the pullover and press, which was conducted by laying on the ground with the barbell just overhead. The lifter then conducted a pullover to get the bar to his chest, and then pressed the barbell to arms length, making it, in essence, a combination of a heavy pullover and the push press. An alternate version of this exercise was conducted by using a violent arching of the lower back to belly press the weight aloft. This method, popular in England, rapidly fell out of favor as Bob Hoffman and other Americans moved to standardize the lift. The final straw occurred when a lifter named Bill Lilly hit the scene- a guy so insanely flexible that he was able to arch the weight to full extension, without actually pressing it at all. At that point, the AAU took a shit on the deal and stopped allowing any arch of the body at all, so lifters started benching atop boxes and benches to practice the prone lift. Thus, the bench press was born. Bodybuilders then adopted it as their premier upper body lift, as it gave them a different look than the guys of previous generations, who had far more shoulder and correspondingly less pectoral development.

Bill Lilly liked doing weird shit.

This does not explain, however, why the exercise remains so popular. We know, for a fact, that it's not because having a large chest makes a guy look jacked. As we explored in a previous blog, guys are considered "jacked' in today's society when they have heavily developed traps and shoulders, and are fairly lean. This is the look that actors achieve in order to appear "buff" in films, and that's because these are the areas that need to be developed in order to relay an air of power in the upper body. Jason Statham is a prime example of this phenomenon, as he possesses wildnly overdeveloped traps and shoulders, and is aggressively lean, in spite of the fact that he's 5'9" and around 170 lbs.

The only actor who had heavily overdeveloped pecs, though, is perhaps the very man we have to blame for the modern ludicrous preoccupation with pectoral development- Arnold Schwarzenegger. Overdeveloped to the point where his pecs hung like tits, Arnold's pecs have captivated men and women alike for decades, leading guys to think that hanging tits are the best way to go if one wants to look like a brick shithouse. This, over course, is fucking idiotic.  Guys considered to be both jacked and iconic, like Steve Reeves, Reg Park (Arnold's mentor), and John Grimek, lacked the ridiculous hanging pecs of Arnold, yet they were admired and emulated by legions of men thereafter.

Thus, we can conclude that the preoccupation with pectoral development, while partially the fault of Arnold Schwarzennegger, actually can be blamed on one other factor- sloth. Modern Americans are without question the laziest group of people, en masse, in the history of mankind. We're rapidly turning into the recliner-bound gelatinous blobs depicted in the 2009 animated eco-friendly shit show, Wall-E. What better exercise, then, for the slightly less lazy motherfuckers to conduct upon entering a fitness club than one that requires that he or she lie the fuck down on a comfy pad like they were preparing to go to sleep, and then engage in repetitions that, no matter how intense, fail to engage enough large muscle groups to cause the lifter to break a fucking sweat? Thus, building a program around the bench press is a program built upon sloth. It's a manifestation of laziness on a scale that's hard to conceive, and should never, ever be considered.

Learn from Coach McGuirk's mistake. Don't be a lazy fucking pussy. Don't build your program around the bench press.

Baddest Motherfuckers Ever #11 -John "Intensity or Insanity" Defendis

When people think old-school training, this is the guy they're thinking about.  John Defendis came up in the 1970s, when training was all about crushing weights for endless sets, running around screaming like and asshole and bitch-slapping anyone dumb enough to get in their fucking way.  Contrary to the speculation of endless droves of weak-willed internet pussies, this was not a mindset created by drugs, and a workout only survived through the consumption of copious amounts of anabolics- this was the way everyone trained, because they didn't suck at life.  Moreover, the few tabs of dbol they were taking in those days were no more gear than anyone who's doubled the dose on a Superdrol knockoff has taken, so before any of you even get started down that path, I'll posit that you don't know what the fuck you're talking about and should perhaps keep your inane comments confined within your head.

Defendis began his epic bodybuilding career as a disciple of one of the meanest motherfuckers ever to enter a gym, Steve Michalik.  If you've never heard of Michalik, think "pedophillic mustache and ripped abs" and conjure up any image you can from 1980s bodybuilding reading material.  Still nothing?  You suck.  Michalik was a Mr. America and Mr. universe winner, and the progenitor of the Intensity or insanity regime that later made Defendis so popular, and the bearer of a mustache so awful that the motherfucker had to bring the pain inside the gym, or risk constant accusations of diddling small boys and abducting little girls in his Big Red Van.

 

Too many questions, and not enough answers.

In any event, it was in Michalik's gym that he and Defendis put the finishing touches on what has since been regarded as the benchmark for weight room lunacy.  This gym, I might add, boasted a sign at the front emblazoned with the phrase "Up Your Dose!", and the sign-in pen was a ballpoint filler inside of a syringe.  these guys were not fucking around.  Tefore you fuckers begin to swoon and cry "foul play" due to the obvious and blatant use of anabolics, I'll remind you that this was the late 70s- GH didn't exist, and a heavy steroid regimen was probably more akin to a jacked high schooler's supplementation program than a modern bodybuilder's.

That stated, here's a rough outline of what they did, because they had no set program:

• split the routine into two parts- legs and back the first day and chest, shoulders, and arms on the next day. Calves and abs are worked at every training session. 
• Train two days in a row and then rest the third day. 
• Repeat pattern of two on and one off indefinitely.

Sounds simple enough, right?  No biggie, right?  Fucking wrong.  Michalik and Defendis became famous for ultra-heavy giant set training that involved 40, 50, and even 75 set-per-bodypart workouts.  They would rope off their area in the gym, scream at anyone who came near, and wreak fucking havoc therein.  They'd do shit like this:

"Michalik struts across the gym floor with a set of 60 pounders for incline flyes. I know the routine. Three benches, three exercises, all sets to failure. Nonstop ass-kicking supersets. Steve begins with almost 300 pounds on the incline Smith machine. He then proceeds to the second bench to complete a set of incline flyes, and finally, pullovers across the last bench with a 100 pound dumbbell."
and this:
"50 sets of heavy barbell curls? Been there. 30 sets of squats. 500 pound inclines. 100 pound dumbbell curls. 90 pound dumbbell laterals. 60 set back workouts."  
and:
"Squatting 450 for 40 reps to the floor, warming up with 315 on the Incline press for 30 reps, doing 50 sets of barbell curls for biceps and 60 sets of heavy back work!"
and the fucking capper: 
"We never did less than 40 sets for each body part and sometimes as much as 100 sets for a single area." 


Between them, Michalik and Defendis sent more people to the hospital than AIDS and cancer combined.  Defendis himself spent a weekend in the hospital after his first week of training with Michalik, and they felt that it was a measure of a true man to cowboy up and return to Michalik's den of pain for a second go at greatness after a quick trip to the ER with rhabdo.  Shitting blood didn't stop these motherfuckers- they were hardcore to a level of extremity usually reserved for special operators and Crossfitters (sarcasm should be obvious).  The best part about it?  They fucking laughed at the guys in the hospital and went around telling other gym members that the motherfucker they just hospitalized was mentally weak, and might as well take up badminton or croquet.


His bio:
Born: 1958
Height: 5'8"
Weight: 225 lbs. (though he apparently weighs a lean 260 these days)

Titles Won:
• 1977 AAU Mr. New York City

• 1978 AAU Mr. Atlantic USA (Teen)

• 1983 NPC Western America Championships

• 1988 NPC USA Championships

Since retiring, Defendis has trained everyone from pro baseball star Mike Piazza to politicians like Newt Gingrich, pro boxer Andrew "I will punch you dead in the nuts repeatedly" Golata. and clothing designer Calvin Klein.

The fact that Michalik and Defendis lived through these projectile-vomit inducing workouts, much less thrived and grew on them is a testament to the human spirit and the ability of the human physical form to adapt to any and all stress and THRIVE.  After reading about these workouts, I'm fucking embarassed at the way I half-ass it through the gym, because I can do more.  Defendis has shown us the way.

Fucking get some. 
1) "How Steve Michalik Trained in 1972. http://bodybuilding.ericsgym.com/trainingarticles/stevemichalik/index.htm
2)  Intensity or Insanity Articles.  http://www.defendis.com/flash/index.html

Just Because You Have a Vagina…

Doesn’t mean you have to train like a pussy. I know this revelatory statement doesn’t exactly fall in line with my previous posts directed at women, but it is true. Though women have for millennia been typically dissuaded from becoming athletes, or from engaging in much in the way of physical activity at all, certain women, and groups of women, have excelled as athletes and participants in physical culture. Unfortunately, modern women have in their minds only Eastern European swimmers and farm women in their minds as toilers at lifting heavy weights, and they thus have an altogether mistaken impression of what the results of heavy weight training are.

The most badass female athletes of the ancient world seem to have all come areas around the Near East –the Mediterranean, Southern Russia, and Central Asia. The earliest accounts I could find of women who were renown for both being hot as shit and brutal fucking athletes were the Spartans. Spartan women enjoyed far more freedom than did other Grecian women, and were pretty much like a cross between hardened military wives and WWE female wrestlers- they dressed like total sluts, trained in the nude, and screamed statements like “Come back with your shield, or on it” and “Where have you come now in your cowardly flight, vile varlets? Do you intend to slink in here whence you came forth?”, whereafter the loudmouthed badass pulled up her miniskirt and flashed her vag at her own cowardly sons. (1) Sparta’s women were known for being total bitches, obviously, in addition to being the hottest broads in the entire ancient world, in spite of the fact that they were forbidden from wearing any kind of makeup or wear jewelry of any kind. Gladly, they were well-educated, witty, and ascerbic, and spurned the vapid, shiftless layabouts they saw populating Athenian parties.

Basically, it would be like having one town consisted of nothing but a cross between Jennie McCarthy and a champion fitness competitor publicly mocking the Kardashians, all the while dressed like whores and planning to stab a motherfucker if he didn’t bring the goods later that evening.

The Romans also had their fair share of women athletes, including female gladiators, who were considered something of a violent sexual sideshow. Domitian regularly held brawls between chicks and midgets, for instance, and an inscription at Ostia (had I known this when I was there, I would have tried to find a topless chick to pit against a midget) proclaims that women fought in gladiatorial matches there beginning around 300BC and kept doing so for at least a couple of hundred years. So many Roman women attempted to fight in the arena, apparently, that laws had to be enacted to prevent them from doing so, but that didn’t prevent women from training their asses off, getting jacked, and shedding some fucking blood for the entertainment of the greasy, unwashed, Roman hordes.

See her neck bent down under the weight of her helmet.

Look at the rolls of bandage and tape, so her legs look like tree-trunks,

Then have a laugh for yourself, after the practice is over,

Armour and weapons put down, and she squats as she used the vessel.

Ah, degenerate girls from the line of our praetors and consuls,

Tell us, whom have you seen got up in any such fashion,

Panting and sweating like this? No gladiator’s wench,

No tough strip-tease broad would ever so much as attempt it. (2)

Everyone knows the story of the Amazons, a semi-mythical race of hard-as nails broads from either the Ukraine or Crete, who ruined lives and broke hearts to the point where we’re still making movies about them. Amazonian women were so fucking hard that their customs declared that "No girl shall wed till she has killed a man in battle", they are credited with inventing the battle axe (the labrys, a doubleheaded axe common in Minoan, Thracian, and Greek culture and range in size from 1-6lbs), and they spawned an entire genre of art (amazonomachy), which features buff, big-tittied, angry broads slaughtering Greeks by the boatload.

Another chick from that general neck of the woods who generally got after it was a 13^th C Tatar princess named Aiyaruk. According to David Willoughby, this broad wouldn’t marry anyone she could beat in wrestling, and successfully defeated over 100 suitors over the course of her life. Each many was required to put up 100 horses for the opportunity to wrestle her, and she allegedly amassed over 10000 horses but throat stomping each sorry motherfucker into the ground. Now, this chick was alleged to be a giant, but given that the average height of a Mongol woman is 5’1”, I highly doubt she was over 6’, but she was said to have been stronger than any man in Turkestan. Sick.(3)

Skip forward to modern times. Some chicks appear to be getting the message that lifting weights will not magically turn you into a Slavic farm woman, fat, overly muscular, and generally fucking haggard. Instead, it’ll make you lean, generally improve your outlook on life, and possibly earn you free drinks at the bar when you smoke a couple of dudes in armwrestling. Crossfit has shown, if nothing else, that doing compound lifts will transform chick’s physiques into a level of badassedness that most chicks don’t even believe to be physically possible. Most chicks will continue eating their same shitty diets and fucking around with cardio all days long, and continue to look like a wad of warm cookie dough for their shitty, misapplied, half-assed, laughable efforts. If they properly apply themselves, however, they can look like the following broads:

Vulcana: English pro strongwoman who could do a 2 Hands Anyhow of 201 (bent press 145 lbs, 56 lbs kettlebell in the other hand) at a bodyweight of 125.

Kara Bohigian: Champion powerlifter who dabbles in Oly shit as well- built this body lifting fucking heavy.

Hannah Johnson: IPA National Champ at 132 lbs, and winner of the Harley Davidson Bikini Contest.

Crossfit chicks: They’re hot. The end.

Thus, a few suggestions for any chick who is reading this(as if there is a woman on Earth who reads this), or suggestions you could give chicks who could stand to apply CnP principles:

· Nothing will make chicks huge, outside of heavy anabolic use. The size of their physique will be dictated, by and large, by their diet. Keep it paleo and you’ll keep it tight.

· Lift fucking heavy. We all know what lifting light get you- a shitbox physique to go with your shitbox regime. Form follows function, as the Bulgarians are fond of saying.

· Just because you’re a women does not mean that you need to train less, lighter, or less intensely. The Chinese dominate women’s weightlifting, and their coach has been quoted saying that women have a greater work capacity than men. Bizarre, but true.

· Focus on lower body work- chicks have better leverages for it due to their hip structure, it burns the most calories, and it works the typical female “problem areas” the hardest.

If you know a chick who’s gonna lift, give her those suggestions. If you’ve got a wife/girlfriend/friend who doesn’t want to lift, let her know that she needs to make with some form of grilled meat and stay the fuck out of your way while you're lifting. And by the way, as a bit of motivation for those of you who could care less about broads lifting, Liu Chunhong is a Chinese chick who holds the world record at 152lbs (69 kg), and she clean and jerks 347.6 lbs, snatches 281.6, front squats 440, back squats 506, and JERKS 385 OFF THE FUCKING RACK. (4)

Embarrassed? I sure as fuck am. I’ve never wanted to look like a chick before today. This sucks.

Go pick up something heavy and think about what you’ve not yet done.

1. Plutarch. Moralia. “Sayings of Spartan Women.” http://penelope.uchicago.edu/Thayer/E/Roman/Texts/Plutarch/Moralia/Sayings_of_Spartan_Women*.html

2. Juvenal, Satires, c. 2^nd C AD. http://ejmas.com/jcs/jcsart_murray_0703.htm

3. Willoughby, David. The Super Athletes. P.580.

4. Wikipedia. “Liu Chunhong.” http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Liu_Chunhong

*If You Still Think High-Volume Training Will Make You Small, Fat, and Weak...

Well, fuck you.  You're an idiot.


Guess who won the most gold medals in weightlifting in the last Olympics.


Give up?  The Chinese.  They won 13 out of 16 possible gold medals, and 2 were because the Chinese had no one at that weight class.


Guess what the Chinese program is like. 

Give up?  High fucking intensity, brutal, day long workouts, 6 days a week.  Year-round.  There's no time for bullshitting about with extended rest periods and abbreviated workouts with the Chinese... they're too busy winning every medal on Earth to bother with Mentzer, Rippetoe, and Stuart McRobert's fear of the ephemeral overtraining boogeyman.

The Chinese Olympic weightlifters have two daily training bloc sessions, one in the morning, and one in the evening, 6 days a week.  Their morning workout is called morning exercises, and seems to consist of light jogging (fucking jogging?), GPP and auxiliary work, while the afternoon workout is a lengthy, heavy, affair consisting of a shitload of low rep sets.  These little yellow weight-destroying, testosterone-dripping, giant-brass ball rocking motherfuckers also look how you'd expect them to- bad fucking ass.


One of their lifters, Zhang Xiangxiang, is a fucking fireplug at 5'2", 137, ripped to the fucking bone.  His Olympic entry total is more than half the motherfuckers on bodyspace can pull off in a full powerlifting meet- 704lbs.  That's right- seven hundred and four pounds went over that little bastard's head in two lifts.  When was the last time YOU put 300-400 lbs overhead at a bodyweight of 137?  For that matter, when was the last time you chumped double your bodyweight overhead, with a shitload of change to spare?  This little Nuprin-colored motherfucker does it every day of the week, just because, and then he goes and shits plate steel and ejaculates lightning, because he's bored with all of the other retardedly impressive shit he does as a matter of course every day.  In one random BBC video I saw of him on Youtube, the fucker doubled 396 for a front squat, with no problem, AFTER BEING PARALYZED AND IN A COMA FOR 5 DAYS WHEN THE CHINESE FUCKED UP AND ZAPPED HIS SPINAL COLUMN WITH PAINKILLERS TRYING TO TREAT A LOW BACK INJURY.

Still unconvinced?


Ivan Abadjiev created the Bulgarian Olympic Weightlifting Program over the course of 20 years rotting behind the iron curtain, eating goulasch and probably hating the whole fucking world to death because the Soviets' boots were on his neck every morning when he awoke.  he put all that hatred to good use, though, and formed the powerhouse program that dominated the sport of weightlifting until the last Olympics.

Never satisfied with the brutal manner in which his lifters destroyed their opposition, Abadjiev continually adapted his program, discarding exercises until 1986 when his lifters performed just 5 (Snatch, Power Snatch, Clean and Jerk, Power Clean and Front Squat) and exclusively for single repetitions.

Abadjiev stated that "Consistent training with high intensity loadings can increase the density of nerve impulse that can be generated by the central nervous system. Over time this allows the athlete to recruit a greater percentage of their higher threshold muscle fibres and hence significantly improve power output. Additionally, there is evidence that Type IIa muscle fibres can actually be converted to the more powerful Type IIb fibre type. Abadjiev states that these adaptations are best achieved when loadings are near maximal."(1) 



Translation- lifting a ton of singles at near-max weights will make you bigger and stronger. 

He also said that "Employing single lifts at maximum improves both intra and inter muscular coordination. The former involves improved synchronisation of fibres within a muscle, and the latter, improved efficiency between muscles. This is especially important in the Olympic lifts which are highly technical whole body movements. Due to fatigue these adaptations cannot be optimally developed when employing multiple repetition sets. Additionally, as technique degrades rapidly under fatigue, there is a risk that lifters may be rehearsing a sub optimal movement pattern."(1)

Translation- not only will lifting ultra-heavy singles make you bigger and stronger, but you'll lift with better form than you would with multiple reps.

"Finally, there are many lifters who have flawless technique at submaximal loads but whose technique deteriorates under maximal loading. The Bulgarian system obviously requires the lifter to attempt maximums on a regular basis. This translates into greater confidence with heavy weights, a more consistent competition performance, plus the advantages gained from heavier opening attempts."(1)

Translation- you fucking suck for even thinking about doing reps.  Your parents are embarrassed of you and probably hate you.  In fact, no one likes you, because you are weak of body, mind, and spirit. 

Go do singles.  Lots of them.

Ah, but that only applies to Olympic Weightlifters, right?


Fucking wrong.  I've already posted Mariusz's insanely volume-heavy program.  How about up and comer Kevin Nee, who earned his claim to fame mostly by being on MTV's True Life eating a shitload of hoagies and flipping tires? Kevin Nee's program is a 7 day a week smorgasbord of pain and brutality.(2)

DAY   WORKOUT                                          SETS   REPS**


MON   Bench Press Barbell/Dumbell*                     3-6    6-8
MON   Incline Press Barbell/Dumbell*                   3-6    6-8
MON   Dumbell Pec Flys                                 3-6    6-8
MON   Dumbell Press w/ Hands in Long Position          3-6    6-8


TUE   Deadlift / Back Squats*                          3-6    6-8
TUE   Cable Lat Pulldowns                              3-6    6-8
TUE   Dumbell Rows                                     3-6    6-8
TUE   Close Grip Rows                                  3-6    6-8


WED   Log Press                                        -      -
WED   Tire Flip Medleys                                -      -
WED   Drag                                             -      -


THU   Front Squats                                     3-6    6-8
THU   Lunges                                           3-6    6-8
THU   Hack Squats                                      3-6    6-8
THU   Leg Curls                                        3-6    6-8
THU   Leg Extensions                                   3-6    6-8
THU   Straight Leg Deadlifts                           3-6    6-8


FRI   Push Press Behind/Front*                         3-6    6-8
FRI   Seated Press Dumbell/Barbell*                    3-6    6-8
FRI   Seated Dumbell Press w/ Hands in Long Position   3-6    6-8
FRI   Lateral/Front Raises                             3-6    6-8
FRI   Skull Crushers                                   3-6    6-8
FRI   Tricep Kickbacks                                 3-6    6-8
FRI   Lockouts in Rack                                 3-6    6-8


SAT   Power Cleans                                     3-6    6-8
SAT   Snatches                                         3-6    6-8
SAT   Rack Pulls                                       3-6    6-8
SAT   Abs                                              3-6    6-8


SUN   Farmers Walk                                     -      -
SUN   Yoke Walk                                        -      -
SUN   Heavy Tire Flip                                  -      -
SUN   Stones                                           -      -


You like apples?  How about them fucking apples?

As for powerlifters, both the Shieko and Smolov powerlifting routines involve such a massive amount of work that the vast majority of pussies you'll see posting on the internet will whine incessantly about how a person can ONLY do these routines if they're on gear.  Bear in mind that these workouts were created in 1976, when a few 50mg of dbol a day were a heavy dose, and the fact that the Russians and Bulgarians have drastically and steadily increased their workloads in strength sports since the 1960s (according to Zatsiorsky).  Thus, high volume is good for powerlifting, too.


Now, anyone who remains unconvinced, consider this-  the Chinese kid below is  snatching 40kg.  That's considerably more than his bodyweight, looking at him.  He's in the Chinese Olympic weightlifting system, enjoying th ultra-high volume goodness that is their programs, and it appears to have worked.

If you possess a scintilla of masculinity, honor, or pride, you should now be a full convert. to the wonderful world of high volume training  Thus, from now on, when you hear some asshat yammering about overtraining, find a tampon (preferably used), and put it in his mouth, because he's a fucking pussy.


Sources


1)  Ivan Abadjiev + the Bulgarian Weightlifting System. http://weightliftingexchange.com/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=438&Itemid=60


2)  Kevin Nee's Workout.  http://strongestman.org/?p=294


3) Zatsiorsky, Vldimir.  Science and Practice of Strength Training.

*The Art of Ketogenic Dieting, Part 2

In case you missed it, last night I gave you fuckers a brief overview of the history of ketogenic dieting, and an overview of what ketogenic dieting is. Go here for a refresher on what I covered then.

You might be wondering, at this point, how any of this shit pertains to you. Diet, after all, is just about eating the right shit, and every bodybuilding mag on the planet spouts the same shit every fucking month, none of which includes massive bloody steaks dripping with grease- it's all steamed chicken and broccoli and yams and blahdifucking blah blah blah. Exactly.

There are two different approaches to diet, however. There's the thermodynamic approach, which is what bodybuilders and other assorted idiots use, which treats the body like a machine that rolled off a mass-production line, and balances input and output to arrive at a generalized "perfect" dietary plan. Who here is a cybernetic organism sent back in time to kill John Connor?

Anybody?

Exactly. You're not a machine. I guarantee you, your BMR is NOT what the myriad online calculators tell you it is, and that your MET calculation for a given activity is wildly different than your next door neighbor's. Using those fucking calculators is fucking ridiculous. Do you honestly think that a 250 lb., hard charging, muscular motherfucker is burning the same number of calories as some elephantine broad who just heaved her fat ass out of her lark cart long enough to do the same activity as the aforementioned beast? If you do, you should probably head to the store and buy a frisbee with which to commit seppuku, because you need to stop breathing, stat.

This brings us to the second type of nutritional approach- chaotic. The chaotic theory addresses the complexity of the human organism, and the wild diversity that exists in individual human biology. This is the theory, obviously, to which I ascribe, and the one I think any rational thinking person would adopt.

It is because I ascribe to this theory that I depart from Duchaine's caloric restrictions. Caloric restriction is an integral part of Body Opus, and he recommends that you set your calorie levels before you even embark upon a regime of carbohydrate restriction and elimination. Given that one's metabolism is changed so drastically during ketogenic dieting, I consider his methodology to be about as logically sound as the logic you'd find in any conversation involving a woman- it's fucking bullshit. Studies have shown that low carb diets, calorie restricted or not, cause fat loss, and increase postprandial (post-meal. You learned a new word, fuckers!) thermogenesis by 2x!(1) Additionally, the more protein you consume, the hotter your metabolism burns, as protein has 3x the thermic effect of carbohydrates or fat (2), and high protein diets have been shown to increase the metabolic cost of digestion by about 30% when compared with high fat diets.

A conversation with this broad would not be logical, but then, clearly no one cares, since her head isn't even in the pic.

But what about all of the silly motherfuckers who claim we're eating too much protein already? Generally, they've already demonstrated that they are dumb enough to be stripped of their right to an opinion by stating that the human body can only process 30-40g of protein at a time, a statement for which there is little or no clinical evidence, and a preponderance of anecdotal evidence (and just plain old fucking common sense) to the contrary. Beyond that, they'll claim that too much protein is hard on your kidneys, which is patently untrue, given that there are multiple studies showing that kidneys easily adapt to high protein diets and function perfectly at the end of clinical trials of high protein diets,(5) and that kidney function IMPROVES with increased protein consumption.(6) This is called ontogenesis- your body has the ability, and really a biological imperative, to adapt to its environment and flourish within it. Thus, your body will adapt to accommodate both increased workload and increased protein consumption, and will perform better than you had ever dreamed it would simply by force of will, which extends even to the cellular level.

What's that mean to you? To get the absolute highest metabolic rate, your diet should be high protein and low-to-no carb. But the question is, what's chaotic about that? Nothing. Sounds a lot like eating nothing but paleo all day long, which is hardly chaotic. Well, my fuckers, I've got another trick up my sleeve. Studies have shown that overeating after undereating leads to greater thermogenesis, an acceleration of anabolic processes, and a replenishment of glycogen reserves and intramuscular triglycerides.(3) For the slow ones, that means it speeds your metabolism and fills replenishes your intra-muscular energy, so that your next viking raid will go swimmingly. Additionally, a 2003 study at Johns Hopkins showed that intermittent fasting (a day of fasting followed by a day of overeating 2x the amount of daily calories) led to an increased life span, reversal of diabetes, and increased resistance to brain damage.(4)

Somehow, he makes IF work.

Before you people jump to conclusions, I'll become an intermittent faster when the apocalypse comes and food becomes scare. Until then, I'll let that remain the purview of Swedish people with a fetish for starving themselves. It does, however, lend credence to the idea that cycling your calories might be a good idea. So, where does this lead us?

• keep your protein insanely high at all times
• rotate your caloric levels
• keto runs are your friend

That, my friends, ends up being some chaotic shit. It's also the basis for the ChAoS and PAIN diet, which will be fully detailed in an upcoming e-book. I expect you motherfuckers to buy the fucking thing instead of steal since I've given more free training advice than Britney Spears has given free bjs over the last year, and it'll be reasonably cheap.

1) Willey, Warren. Better Than Steroids. P. 81. Cordain, Loren. Paleo Diet. P. 17.

2) Crovetti R, Porrini M, Santangelo A, and Testolin G, 1998. "The Influence of Thermic Effect on Satiety." Eur J Clin Nutr 52, 482-488.

3) Audette, Ray. Neanderthin. P. 46

4) Ibid. P. 47.

5) Skov AR, Toubro S, Bulow J, Krabbe K, Parving HH, Astrup AI. "Changes In Renal Function During Weight Loss Induced By High Versus Low Protein Low Fat Diets in Overweight Subjects." Int J Obes Relat Metab Disord. 1999. 23: 1170-1177

6) Eades, Michael. Protein Power. P. 138.

*The Art of Ketogenic Dieting, Part 1

Given the spate of questions I've recently received regarding ketogenic diets, I felt that it was high time to break it down for you people in simple chapter and verse. I personally like ketogenic diets for a variety of reasons, but I don't consider them to be the end-all, be-all for everyone on the planet. I intend to finally make some lengthy posts about the value of metabolic typing in the coming week, so before you go off all half-cocked, wait for the entire story. Bear in mind that everyone's biochemistry is remarkably different, and as such, you can't simply look at some random motherfucker who's physique you appreciate and think that his training and diet regime are going to work for you as they did for him. Random insane shit like Intermittent Fasting (Leangains), apparently works for some people, as does the Warrior Diet. I'll review both of those diets at some point, if there's any interest, but for not I'll just hold them aloft as examples of shit that works for some people, but is CERTAINLY not ideal for all people. Likewise, ChAoS and PAIN is a training style that will suit some people incredibly well, and be abhorrent to others.

What the Fuck is a Ketogenic Diet?
A ketogenic diet is a diet wherein you consume few or no carbohydrates, so that your body begins utilizing ketones (the byproducts of fatty acid metabolism when carbs are not present), for energy. This typically occurs when your blood glucose levels are at or below 50 mg/dl. That's 50 milligrams of glucose per deciliter of blood, for you fuckwits out there. In a ketogenic state (when there are more ketones than glucose in the blood), ketones are the primary fuel source. Low levels of blood glucose result in increased glucagon secretion, which causes catabolism of liver glycogen and can stimulate glucogenesis (the manufacture of glucose from not-glucose substances). Glucagon's purpose is to stimulate the secretion of fat and liver glycogen breakdown, which aims to raise blood glucose concentration by increasing the release of glucose from the liver. (3)

There's Nothing New Under the Sun

Numerous cultures since time immemorial have followed low-or no-carbohydrate diets. Central Asian horse nomads, for instance, have typically subsisted on a diet of meat, mare's milk, and animal blood since before recorded history. Likewise, the Inuit have subsisted and thrived on a diet consisting solely of animal flesh and organs for the duration of their existence. Both of those peoples did so simply as a matter of exigency- there was little or no edible foliage for them to cultivate or gather and eat. Instead, they subsisted and thrived on diets consisting of nothing but animal products, eating everything in an animal from the the marrow to the intestines, and every fucking thing in between. Sound gross? Yeah, well, that's what you do when there's no Publix within 500 miles. If you think your ancestors were reticent to adopt this sort of diet, think again- paleolithic people in England 12000 years ago had a diet nearly identical to wolves and bears- nearly 100% carnivorous. (1)

Stupid outfits aside... that motherfucker has never seen a gym.

Just as we lost knowledge of central heating (HOW THE FUCK DID THAT HAPPEN? FUCK YOU CATHOLIC CHURCH!),(6) we forgot that meat-eating lends itself to high levels of awesome. Luckily, this diet was reintroduced to the west by the pioneer and general fucking godsend William Banting, who published his "Letter on Corpulence" in 1863. Banting advocated a diet that had been recommended for epileptics for centuries, which consisted of four meals a day of nothing but meat, veggies, and dry wine. His diet was wildly popular throughout the 19th century, and was considered so revolutionary that his name actually became an adjective for a while. Banting's work was expounded upon by James Henry Salisbury, M.D., the inventor of the Salisbury steak, and a proponent of a diet consisting of two parts meat, one part veggies. He created the salisbury steak, which consisted of ground beef flavored with onion and seasoning and then deep-fried or boiled. This, he recommended, was to be eaten three times a day, and was introduced in 1888. Later, Vilhjalmur Stefansson advocated the diet of the Eskimos, which consists of nothing but meat. After returning from the Arctic in good health on this diet, he participated in a year-long study at a NY hospital proving the efficacy of his diet. Building upon that diet was Richard Buckminster “Bucky” Fuller, who was most well known for his invention of the geodesic dome. Fuller applied his energy theories to diet as well, following and espousing a meat and veggies diet of a Paleo Diet sort throughout his life.

The rub? Back in the turn of the century, a rough-and-tumble professor who apparently grew bored enough with the ease of daily life decided to roll up to snowy Eskimoland with no gear and live amongst the Eskimos while studying their culture. Whilst he lived amongst those silly, snow-blasted freaks, Vilhjalmar Stefansson ate nothing but meat, and found himself to be healthy as shit thereafter. He rolled back into NYC with tales of his diet, which everyone called insane, and then decided to be studied for a year to see if it would ruin his health. It didn't. In 1929, doctors concluded that his all meat, high-fat diet was the shit, and so was Stefansson. R. Buckminster Fuller picked up on this deal (he's the guy who invented the geodesic dome), and expanded it to include some fruits and veggies, but little else. Robert Atkins later adopted this diet and popularized it in American culture the way Banting had in England, giving rise to the ever-popular yet perennially fucked-up Atkins diet. We've all seen those fat fucks eating ten lbs of burgers at McD's who claim they're on Atkins, yet remain fat as fuck and repulsive to the point that we question their humanity. Don't- if they're that fat, they're no longer human, and should be treated as such. Feel free to feed them arsenic- they've already demonstrated that they'll eating anything you put within their reach.

Two to the head.

Keto Dieting for Those Still Confused
There's a bit of debate on what, exactly, constitutes a ketogenic diet. Dan Duchaine, considered by some to be "the most notorious expert in bodybuilding", believed that a true ketogenic diet consisted of NO carbs, 30-35% protein, and 70-75% fat. He believed that the slightest introduction of carbs could throw you out of ketosis, which would lead to doom and gloom, fat and flabbiness. While I respect his Spartan approach to dieting, in the modern world it is both unrealistic and unreasonable. According to William Willey, author of Better Than Steroids, you can get away with up to 5% of your diet from carbs before you exit ketosis. Nevertheless, the name of the game is to eat as few carbs as humanly possible. I find that 30g is a good benchmark. Less than 30g of carbs and you can be all but assured you're hitting ketosis. In any event, Body Opus, the brainchild of Dan Duchaine, and the Keto run espoused by Warren Willey, consisted of a ~7 day run of low-to-no carb dieting, in which your diet consists of 25-30% protein and 30-35% protein for Duchaine and Willey respectively. To enhance the effectiveness of such a diet, or any diet, a 7-14 day period of uninterrupted ketogenic dieting might be necessary.(2)

In any event, ketogenic diets work through "metabolic trickery", as Duchaine put it. By starving your body of carbs, insulin secretion is reduced, and that causes your pancreas to produce glucagon, which supplies energy to the brain and converts fatty acids into ketones.(4)

The Icing on the Fucking Cake
It's not hard on your kidneys, for one. Your family, your friends, and your coworkers will warn you of the alleged dangers of this diet. The basis for their warnings is jealousy- they know they lack the intestinal fortitude for such an extreme dietary methodology. They suck. Ignore them- science is on your side. Doctors will lambaste ketogenic diets for causing myriad deleterious effects, but I'll caution you not to listen to them- fist, look at the motherfucker. Chances are, your doctor would be ahead of the game if he looked as good as the comic book nerd on the Simpsons. Asking an MD about diet is like asking your dog about astrophysics- you're not getting a single useful thing out of the motherfucker. Doctors will decry keto diets for making the blood acidic, if they're even familiar with blood pH, or they'll claim they're hard on the kidneys. Ketosis is only hard on the kidneys for sedentary people, as the ketones only make the blood acidic while they're waiting to be burned.(5) As for the kidney statement, that's patently absurd. On its face, it denies the theory of ontogenics, on which the majority of the theory of evolution is based.

1. Richards, MP, Hedges, RM. Gough's Cave and Sun Have Human Stable Isotopic Values Indicate A High Animal Protein Diet in British Upper Paleolithic. J Artchaeol Sci 2000; 27 1-3.
2. Lavale, James B. Cracking the Metabolic Code. Laguna Beach: Basic Health Publications, 2004. P.51.
3. Protman, Robert. Nutrient Timing. NY: Pasic Health Publications, 2004. P. 22.
4. Duchaine, Dan. Underground Body Opus. Carson City: Xipe, 1996. P. 253.
5. Ibid. P. 254.
6.  See below.

 

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