06 August 2014

Fuck the Treadmill- I've Got A Real Warmup For You #2

Can you imagine how many idiots would fuck this up trying to take selfies if this were reenacted today?

Since we've already covered the other parts of summer- namely, drinking your face off and smoking cigarettes and weed, we might as well cover the other important aspect of summer- tanning.  Like most things that people have considered to be a part of normal, everyday life for the entirety of human history, like drinking, eating red meat, putting salt on food, and having promiscuous sex, the powers that be have warned against sun exposure for the last 30 years as if sunlight was some new and horrible emission from space humanity had never faced.  While any thinking person would conclude that the hysteria about exposure to sunlight was, rightly, naught but the produce of gibbering, pants-shitting insanity, the slower ruminants among us have seen fit to slather themselves with opaque glop in an effort to prevent a single ray of sunlight ever reaching their epidermis.

Again, thinking persons should find this hilarious- after all, what the fuck do these cattle think they're rubbing on their skin?  Natural botanical oils?  Not bloody likely.  Instead, these blubbering halfwits are slathering themselves in carcinogens to offset the extremely highly unlikely onset of melanoma- yeah, that's right... EXTREMELY UNLIKELY.  According to the editor of Reuters Health, less than .3% (three tenths of one percent) developed melanoma, even in people who use tanning beds frequently (Oransky).  So, in an effort to avoid something that's less likely than a woman dying during childbirth in North America, people are soaking themselves in oxybenzone, which has been linked to hormone disruption and cell damage that might cause skin cancer, and retinyl palmitate, which "may speed the development of skin tumors and lesions when applied to the skin in the presence of sunlight" (Dellorto, Problem).  Think you're dodging that bullet?  you're likely not- according to the Environmental Working Group, only "Twenty-five percent of 800 tested sunscreens are effective at protecting your skin without the use of potentially harmful ingredients" (Dellorto).  In other words, your odds are not good when using sunscreen.

If you avoid the sun, you avoid the sluts, and that's bad business practice.

Oh, but consumer genius doesn't end there.  When they douse their disgusting fat bodies in carcinogens, they don't just expose themselves to an increased risk of cancer- the same people who slather themselves with sunblock are the ones who go out of their way to avoid sun exposure in general, which is awesome because that limits their Vitamin D production.  Studies have shown that melanoma patients with more sun exposure have an increased rate of survival over patients without intermittent lifetime sun exposure, that "intermittent sun exposure had a tendency to be inversely associated with the risk of death from melanoma" (Rosso), and that people with the highest concentrations of Vitamin D in the blood had the thinnest melanomas (making them easier to treat), greatest survivability of melanoma, and least incidence of melanoma (Caini).  In short, getting a tan is considerably healthier than looking like Casper the Friendly Ghost.

The benefits of irradiation in action.

As I stated long ago, here, there are plenty of performance benefits to tanning, otherwise known as "irradiation."  Getting out in the sun has a shitload of benefits beyond those that help you on the platform, though- it promotes bone growth, prevents and treats tuberculosis, reduces "the risk of dying from Hodgkin lymphoma, as well as breast, ovarian, colon, pancreatic, prostate, and other cancers," may decrease the risk of multiple sclerosis, lowers the risk of metabolic and cardiovascular disease, as well as hypertension and rickets (Mead).  It makes sense, then, that the old school strongmen loved sunbathing and recommended it to everyone- for instance, Saxon Trio loved sunbathing and did so whenever possible (Gaudreau), and champion strongman and wrestler George Hackenschmidt recommended naked sunbathing (Todd 11).  World class German trainer of strongmen Theodor Siebert had a specific facility built in his state-of-the-art school for physical culture (Wedemeyer 9), and Hermann Goerner was reputed to be an avid sunbather as well.  In the 1970s, much of the reason Venice Beach was the mecca of bodybuilding was due to the fact that the bodybuilders could train outdoors and then lay on the beach, and guys like Dave Draper, Arnold, and Franco were always found on the beach midday, between training sessions.

If never seen an ugly girl working at a tanning salon in my life.  I'm pretty sure it violates the Geneva Convention to hire one.

Think you're fucked because you live in Seattle, Pittsburgh, the UK, or all of the frozen places from Scandinavia eastward?  Nah- all of that bullshit about the dangers of tanning beds are just that.  In a study conducted by Moan, et al, the evidence is quite definitive- "The overall health benefit of an improved vitamin D status may be more important than the possibly increased CMM risk resulting from carefully increasing UV exposure."  In the largest study ever conducted upon the use of tanning beds, in which over 106k women were involved, "less than three-tenths of 1 percent who tanned frequently developed melanoma while less than two-tenths of 1 percent who didn't tan developed melanoma," which is a significant increase from a pretty negligible chance to another pretty negligible chance (Veierød).  Plus, every tanning place on the planet is staffed entirely by hot, if orange, chicks of questionable morals.

Four more reasons to drag ass to the beach, stat.

In summary, you've got a month of decent weather left in most of the Northern Hemisphere.  It's time to fill up the cooler and head outside, because getting a tan will leave you healthier and likely a better athlete than you are pale.  I realize this will cause a problem for the fatties amongst you, but that adds to the laundry list of reasons the Crossfit Games gave you to get your abs out into the open to get your fat ass in shape.  Fat, pale, and weak is no way to go through life, so take a page out of the guidos' book and hit up some heavy benches, vodka shots, and the beach.

Caini S, Boniol M, Tosti G, Magi S, Medri M, Stanganelli I, Palli D, Assedi M, Marmol VD, Gandini S.  Vitamin D and melanoma and non-melanoma skin cancer risk and prognosis: A comprehensive review and meta-analysis.  Eur J Cancer. 2014 Jul 30. pii: S0959-8049(14)00806-5.

Dellorto, Danielle.  Avoid sunscreens with potentially harmful ingredients, group warns.  CNN.  16 May 2012.  Web.  6 Aug 2014.  http://www.cnn.com/2012/05/16/health/sunscreen-report/

Gaudreau, Leo.  The Saxon Trio: What they ate & how they trained.  Natural Strength, from Muscle Power Magazine.  Web.  6 Aug 2014.  http://www.bobwhelan.com/history/saxontrio.html

Mead MN.  Benefits of sunlight: a bright spot for human health.  Environ Health Perspect. 2008 Apr;116(4):A160-7.

Moan J, Baturaite Z, Juzeniene A, Porojnicu AC.  Vitamin D, sun, sunbeds and health.  Public Health Nutr. 2012 Apr;15(4):711-5.

The odds of serious risks that people can relate to.  Riskcomm.  Web.  6 Aug 2014.  http://www.riskcomm.com/visualaids/riskscale/datasources.php

Oransky, Ivan.  Tanning beds: What do the numbers really mean?  Association of Health Care Journalists.  7 May 2010.  Web.  6 Aug 2014.  http://healthjournalism.org/blog/2010/05/tanning-beds-what-do-the-numbers-really-mean/

The problem with vitamin A.  Environmental Working Group.  2014.  Web.  8 Aug 2014.  http://www.ewg.org/2014sunscreen/the-problem-with-vitamin-a/

Rosso S, Sera F, Segnan N, Zanetti R.  Sun exposure prior to diagnosis is associated with improved survival in melanoma patients: results from a long-term follow-up study of Italian patients.  Eur J Cancer. 2008 Jun;44(9):1275-81.

Todd, Terry.  Muscles, Memory: and George Hackenschmidt.  Iron Game History.  Jul 1992; 2(3):10-15.

Veierød MB, Weiderpass E, Thörn M, Hansson J, Lund E, Armstrong B, Adami HO.  A prospective study of pigmentation, sun exposure, and risk of cutaneous malignant melanoma in women.  J Natl Cancer Inst. 2003 Oct 15;95(20):1530-8.

Wedemeyer, Bernd.  Theodor Siebert: A Biography.  Iron Game History.  May/June 2000; 6(3):5-13.


  1. Is melanotan acceptable for ginger Irish people who just burn and get more freckles in the sun?:)

    1. I use sunscreen when I'm out for long periods or just getting a base- I'll do a quick follow up today about what sunscreens to use.

    2. And melanotan is fun- only side is uncontrollable hardons, haha. Well, and the occasional queasiness for 30 mins.

    3. I've heard it's one damn good cure for erectile dysfunction! I just want to be able to get any kind of colour other than milk white though.

  2. Any suggestions for UV producing lamps for those trapped in an office?

    1. To use in the office? Just go to a tanning bed, man.

  3. Pale girls are better though, should women instead increase vitamin D intake by bathing in milk and/or milk enemas?.

    1. Hahahaha. You can give it a shot. Apparently, though, vitamin D deficiency is an epidemic in the UK and US, and chicks eat diets that consist of like 60% cheese. I don't think milk is getting the job done.

  4. Interesting timing on this. I'm about the palest cracker on earth, and I'm in def considered "high risk" for skin cancer (had multiple severe sunburns as a child, my father had a pretty bad case of melanoma and has had a lot of cancerous or pre-cancerous growths removed, etc etc). So I've always been the clam who hides from the sun and lubes up in sunscreen when I have to.

    But just recently, on a bit of a whim, I looked at myself in the mirror and said "fuck this" and started just going to the beach sans sunscreen. I got a little past peak sun strength time, like ~3:30 or 4 pm in the north east. I've gotten a bit of color, no severe burning, and I feel great.

    Anecdotally, whether it's the relaxation of just laying on the beach, or the extra sun exposure, or a combination of both, I'm recovering better from workouts as well.

    1. The sunburns as a child are the problem, not the adult sunburns.

      It's the best way to improve a shitty mood of which I know, and I *think* I had something in the previous article about recovery. I don't recall that for sure, but I think it does help recovery.