Monday Quickie: Picking a Protein That's Actually A Protein And Not Rich Gaspari's Poor Facsimile Thereof

I get a ton of requests for protein recommendations, and as such decided to throw out a quick post to let you know what I'm using and hit you up with a badass spreadsheet I made with a broad who'd like to see me on fire and down a well for no reason I could possibly ascertain (well, that's not true- I'd imagine most broad would like to see me on fire and down a well).  In any event, I mention her involvement just so she doesn't send me anthrax for not giving her anonymous credit.

Not this brand of Anthrax, unfortunately.  Wouldn't mind being caught in a mosh right about now.

Onto the business at hand- protein.  Everyone has their own preferences on protein, but to me it breaks down to price, protein source, and flavor.  Given that I'm basically living in a van down by the river, I am currently living on Vitamin Shoppe's Whey Tech Pro 24, as it's low carb, tastes decent, and is cheap as fuck.  Were I to choose a protein purely based on taste, with no regard whatsoever for my wallet, I'd likely choose Species or 1stPhorm's proteins, both of which are whey.  I know I've bagged on whey in the past, but blended proteins usually taste like shit and I'm tired of gagging protein back up when I'm hammered and trying to get in a bedtime meal.  Additionally, I've been adding two tablespoons of heavy cream to my shakes on keto days to slow the absorption of the whey, and I eat every 2-3 hours anyway, so it's really not necessary for me to use a blended protein.

As you'll see when you check out the spreadsheet, my old suggestions of Elite XT (which I cannot stomach because I despise soy) and Matrix top the list for affordability and lack of bullshit, which is less life-affirming for me than you'd think but nevertheless nice to know.  One thing for which you guys really need to look, and I cannot stress this enough, is protein spiking.  I've got a column in the spreadsheet indicating where there's been foul play, but I thought I'd give you a quick intro into protein spiking so you'd know what was going on.

Fruit Loop flavored protein?  Might be worth the $55.

Download my spreadsheet on MEGA.

If you’ve been living under the impression that all proteins contain what the labels say they do, you’re sorely mistaken.  Protein manufacturers are, by and large, less trustworthy than toothless Russians selling handguns in Moscovite back alleys.  The problem for them is that there is less margin in protein than there is in gasoline, so they either have to cut corners and sell a shitty product or they have to sell an incredible amount of volume.  Only large companies with deep pockets can afford to go the volume route, which is why companies like Optimum Nutrition can make (generally) affordable proteins that meet their labels claims.  Too often, however, smaller, less-known companies try to compete on price point and have to lie on their labels to make a profit.  This became even more of an issue when Pepsi bought the rights to sell a shitty knockoff of Muscle Milk in vending machines (check dem labels, bro), and then the Chinese decided a couple of years later to buy up the majority of the world's extant protein supply in some bizarre scheme that is ostensibly intended simply to deny Americans the protein that is rightfully ours as masters of the planet.

It's certainly not going into Wen Jiabao's personal reserve.

Frankly, I could give a fuck what killed the margins on protein.  I have a very deep and personal vendetta against a couple of companies for fucking me by spiking their proteins, and I will happily stuff my fist down Rich Gaspari’s throat for robbing me blind for years if I ever get the opportunity to meet him face to face.  If you’re unaware of the practice of adding nitrogenated amino acids to raise the listed protein content of your favorite protein powder, here’s the deal- there are a couple of amino acids, namely glycine and taurine, that are used to “spike” protein.  According to Scott Welch of Muscle Insider,

“Protein spiking is where a protein manufacturer adds amino acids that are cheaper than the base protein powder it’s actually selling in order to increase the product’s nitrogen content. When this is done, the company is able to lower the cost of goods. A basic test for total nitrogen is often used to quantify the amount of protein per serving, and this test can be cheated by using cheap amino acids to spike the nitrogen content. The problem is that the inclusion of odd amino acids usually has nothing to do with increasing the performance of the whole protein itself, and it usually makes key ratios such as BCAA content go down, which is a total rip-off. If a protein powder (usually whey isolate) is so cheap as to seem too good to be true, check to see if certain aminos such as taurine and glycine are sky-high. If they are, you could be using a protein that’s been spiked. Also look for white specks in the protein powder (easy to see in chocolate). These specks are usually the amino acids that were added to the protein to offset the cost and raise the perceived protein content"(Welch).

Cheap, thieving shitbag or simply catastrophically stupid dickbag?  You make the call.

After news of this sheisty practice broke on the web, one Redditor took it upon himself to use his access to a lab to independently assay proteins to determine how much of their label claims were being met.  The results were rather unpleasant, and are available here.  Thereafter, a company called Labdoor conducted similar analyses and showed pretty conclusively that there is no direct correlation between quality and price.  Shitty, right?  One would think that guys who supported lifting would actually provide products that would do so, but I guess I'm just weird in that I would rather fellate a hot motocycle exhaust  pipe with syphilitic blood while letting the rider do a burnout on my cock than have my name associated with a shitty product.  Apparently, Rich Gaspari doesn't share my opinion, because he's comfortable with being a thieving piece of shit.  In any event, here's Labdoor's assay of popular proteins:

Now, you have a but more knowledge in your supplement spank bank with which to make your purchases.  A good rule of thumb is that if your shaker doesn't smell like a rotting corpse stuffed with dogshit and rotten eggs if you leave it unwashed at room temperature for a day, the "protein" you're using isn't protein at all.

And should you wonder, Chaos and Pain is never going to fuck their customers with that kind of bullshit- Cannibal Kraken is as badass as the name would indicate, and there's no nonsense in there, or any of our other stuff.  We're built on your backs, and we will never forget that.

Go forth and fill thyselves with the protonz.

Milk.  It does a body good.

Source:
Welch, Scott.  Protein Spiking.  Muscle Insider.  Web.  9 Jul 2013.  http://muscle-insider.com/content/protein-spiking