To avoid having to check this page every ten seconds for updates on supplements, music, and sundry little details, hit us up on Facebook and like the page. That'll keep you updated without getting spammed with a million twitter-length posts!

23 January 2014

Holy Keto Condiments! This Just In- Keto Dieting Doesn't Have To Suck!!! Part #1.

Alpha gnoll is sick of eating the same shit, day in and day out, too.

Anyone else sick of eating the same fucking things over and over again?  After eating nothing but beef ribs, taco meat, Salisbury steak, and chicken wings for three years, I sure as fuck am.  Having run out of acceptable dry rubs, and after literally shitting myself a couple of times because some mysterious additive to dry rubs apparently causes fecal incontinence if eaten in large amounts, I decided to branch out.
It occurred to me halfway through writing this that 1) it's amazing I don't have pussy falling out of my pockets, and 2) a lot of you have the opportunity here to impress the living shit out of broads and close ass like you're Alec Baldwin in Glengarry Glen Ross.  You're welcome.
While I realize pants-shitting would probably have ended most peoples' experiments into the Apex Predator Diet, I was rather unperturbed.  I did, however, come to the realization that without Animal Pak, I'd be missing out on a whole lot of nutrition, that I was often starving due to the moderate fat and low carbs I'd end up accidentally eating out of habit, and my taste buds are frankly exhausted by eating the same flavors day in and day out.  This became even more apparent when I discovered that paleolithic people ate upwards of 300 different foods a week, which lay in stark contrast to my own extraordinarily unvaried diet- how could I be Captain Caveman strong if I was eating with all of the culinary ingenuity of a seventeen year old?  Then, it dawned upon me that viewing my carb up day as the only day on which I really ate was telling me something, and lunch on those days could actually provide me with a clue as to how I could actually make the APD livable again.


I'm not sure I have ever missed a woman as much as I miss dürüm döner. 

Since leaving Europe, I've pined daily for schawarma and döner, both of which are ubiquitous street foods in Europe, but difficult to find, as is street food in general, in the states.  When you can find it, it is usually boasts one or more of the following features:
  1. It's hideously expensive.  In Vienna, one of the most expensive cities on earth, a half kilo turkey döner was 2 or 3 Euros.  Here, it's at least $7.  Same goes for schawarma.
  2. It sucks.  I actually berated some asshole for serving me the worst schawarma I've had in my life last Friday, and made him throw it away after a single bite.  Fucking yogurt in my zhug?  Not on your life.  That's disgusting.
  3. It's not keto.  If I were running shit, there would be yakitori or satay for sale on every fucking street corner in America, but apparently eating chargrilled meat on a stick sits poorly with skinny jean-clad, coiffed, plucked eyebrow-boasting, reality television-loving American males.  Thus, it's sandwiches or nothing on the street.
Thanks to government regulations, Ugandans eat better than Americans.  Much appreciated, fuckers!

With that in mind, I resolved to incorporate my favorite flavors into my diet before I abandoned the fucking thing altogether.  The result was fucking awesome.  In the first iteration of this series, I've tried chimichurri, an Argentine parsley and garlic condiment and marinade; pebre, a Chilean condiment similar to chimichurri but with more of a pico de gallo edge; zhug, a Yemenite hot sauce used all over Asia Minor; tahini sauce, another Asia Minor specialty; and am working on a red pepper paste devised with the help of Nuprin (coming in a future blog, as this one got really, really long), the jacked, lunatic Asian broad who contributed to the hormones series and was a sounding board for these recipes, in addition to being one of a handful of women on the planet who doesn't want to rub broken glass into my eyes while screaming Gloria Gaynor song lyrics in my ear.

Some constants you will likely notice in these condiments is that they're
  1. overwhelmingly garlicky
  2. keto as fuck
  3. paleo as fuck (olive consumption and use dates back to 17,000 BC, and wild garlic is still used in cooking)
  4. oil-based
  5. usually spicy as all hell (with the exception of chimichurri, though I even heat that up)
You'll notice these recipes are bereft of the standbys you generally see associated with ketogenic dieting- notably mayonnaise and butter.  The former might be the most disgusting thing humans have ever consumed as "food", and the latter is boring and not nearly as healthy as olive oil.  Additionally, butter-based sauces congeal, which doesn't leave you with a large window for use.  Dieters seem to eat one of two kinds of food- boring or fucking vile.  Fuck all of that- we're Chaos and Pain, and we intend to bring it, which is why the following seasoning recipes are all my own and not reproductions of other peoples'.



There is method to my madness, obviously.  Garlic is damn near regarded as magical by anyone who knows anything about the stuff, and has been throughout recorded human history.  It's got anti-cancer, anti-arthritis, anti-illness (reduced duration and frequency of the common cold), antibiotic, heart healthy, liver protective, blood pressure moderating properties, and it tastes fucking amazing (Garlic).  On top of that, they're all jam-fucking packed with inflammation-fighting, heart healthy, carbohydrate fucking, blood pressure lowering, shitting on depression, bone health and digestion-improving, liver detoxifying olive oil (Wilson, MNT).  Not superfood enough for you?   How about the effect of capsaicin (the shit that makes peppers spicy) on the body?  It treats allergies like Porches treat Paul Walker, fat like Stalin treated the Ukrainians, and delivers mild pain relief, not unlike ice cream apparently does for people who have vaginas instead of penises.



Zhug, Tahini Sauce, and Schawarma

I fell in love with chicken schawarma, an Israeli spit-roasted loaf of seasonings and pressed chicken parts, while I was in Vienna.  Since I left, I've not found its like in the US, though I will occasionally find something similar.  Even better than the meat itself is the hot sauce that comes with Yemeni, Israeli, and other Mediterranean foods, called zhug.  Zhug is, without question, the best tasting hot sauce I've ever had, sriracha included, and comes in two mouth watering variants, the mild red, Vampire-slaughteringly garlicky kind, and the asshole inflaming, tear-jerking, slobberingly delicious, super-hot green version.  Either one is incredibly tasty and one of the single greatest things you will ever taste, not matter what the fuck you put it on.  If you're the type who likes blue cheese with your ghost chili-infused wings, you might like the Israeli equivalent for schawarma- tahini sauce.  The best part about all of them? Close enough to zero carb that it's not worth posting the nutrition info.



Green Zhug
8 serrano peppers
8 cloves of garlic
1 habenero pepper with some of the seeds removed
1 small sweet red pepper
2 tbsp olive oil
1 cup cilantro (chopped)
4 tbsp Zhug spice blend.  If you don't have zhug spice blend, use the following:
1 teaspoon freshly ground caraway seeds
1 teaspoon freshly ground cumin seeds
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground green cardamom
1 cup coarsely chopped cilantro
1/2 cup packed parsley leaves
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Splash of lemon juice
Juice of one lime

Preparation:
Pile all of that shit into a blender or food processor and pulse until it's your desired consistency.  I hate chunky salsa, so I puree the fuck out of this stuff.  Play with the pepper content to get your desired heat.  I adjusted to the blend above pretty much immediately and am now sad I didn't use spicier peppers.  You can use the red zhug to cut the heat, so you can feel free to go fucking nuts.  If you're incapable of googling (and I am consistently amazed at the shit research skills I'm seeing of late), here's a Scoville chart to aid you in your chili shopping.



Red Zhug
Red zhug is a much milder condiment than green zhug, though you can tinker with it to make it spicier if you so choose.  Making the two of them definitely gives you a nice array of flavors, and allows the less adventurous people you feed to have a condiment that won't kill them.

Ingredients:
8-10 small sweet red peppers
8-10 cloves of garlic
2 tbsp olive oil
1 cup cilantro (chopped)
4 tbsp Zhug spice blend.  If you don't have zhug spice blend, use the following:
1 teaspoon freshly ground caraway seeds
1 teaspoon freshly ground cumin seeds
1/2 teaspoon freshly ground green cardamom
1 cup coarsely chopped cilantro
1/2 cup packed parsley leaves
1 teaspoon freshly ground black pepper
Splash of lemon juice
Juice of one lime

Preparation:
Same as green zhug- pile all of that shit into a blender or food processor and pulse until it's your desired consistency.


Döner Kebap Sauce
If the above seems a bit much for you, or you just want something less garlicky and a little less keto for your schawarma, you can use döner kebap sauce.  Frankly, döner and schwarama are the same thing, but the following sauce seems to have been adapted for the Brits and Germans, both of whom seem to regard black pepper as the rest of us would naga viper chilies.  I still like adding garlic to this recipe, but it's unneeded.  my rule of thumb is one clove of garlic per chili, if you decide to add it.

Ingredients:

6 whole chilies (you can use sweet red peppers or try a red pepper that's somewhat hotter if you want)
1 small white onion, roughly chopped
1 can of tomatoes
Pinch of salt

Preparation:
This stuff really couldn't be easier.
Step 1.  Dump olive oil in pan and preheat to medium,  Soften chilies for 5 minutes in olive oil.
Step 2.  Strain tomatoes.
Step 3.  Remove chilies from heat and dump everything in blender and pulse until desired consistency.
Step 4.  Increase heat on pan to medium-high, dump everything back in pan and allow to reduce until it's no longer thin.



Tahini Sauce  
I can't say I am a fan of tahini sauce or its disgusting Greek cousin, tzatziki (which you can also use), but it's a standard thin topping used in pita/flatbread sandwiches, marinades, and dips.  You guys might like it, and it's damn good for you, so I figured I'd give you the lowdown.

Ingredients: 
1/2 cup tahini (sesame seed paste)
3 gloves garlic, crushed
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
2 tablespoons olive oil
1/4 cup lemon juice
1 teaspoon parsley, finely chopped (optional)

Preparation:
Step 1.  Using a blender or food processor, combine garlic, tahini and salt.
Step 2.  Dump the mixture into a bowl and add olive oil and lemon juice. If it's too thick (it should be kind of thin and runny), add teaspoon of warm water or lemon juice until desired consistency, then mix in parsley.
Step 3.  Serve immediately or refrigerate.



Chicken Schawarma
For those of you who have never had the pants-droppingly, puclic masturbatingly, mouth-wateringly awesomeness that is schawarma or döner, you might think that this recipe is a little overly laborious.  trust me when I say that it's not- there's really no way to get the meat flavored and juicy enough without the pan-fry finish employed in this recipe unless you have a vertical rotisserie (in which case fuck you, you lucky bastard).  I've been experimenting with the amount of juice/oil in the finishing process and have yet to decide upon a favorite yet, but I've done everything from simmer to sear the chicken and have loved it all.  Play with the amount and type of liquid in the pan when you finish this to determine what you like best.

Ingredients:

2 lb boneless skinless chicken breasts (2 large breasts)
2 lb boneless skinless chicken thighs (4 large thighs)
12 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
1 tbsp raz el hanout (Moroccan spice blend you can actually use all by itself if you want) or garam masala (Indian seasoning that is almost identical)
2 tbsp schawarma seasoning (again, if you find a good one, you can just cheat and use this if you want) plus the following, or double the following if no schwarama seasoning:
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp paprika
1 tsp allspice
3/4 tsp turmeric
1/4 tsp garlic powder
1/4 tsp cinnamon
Liberal dusting of cayenne
Salt and black pepper

Preparation:
Step 1.  Trim the excess fat off all of the chicken parts and butterfly them
Step 2.  Pound the everloving shit out of the chicken parts.  Since you're not going to be slow roasting it on a spit, it needs extra tenderizing.
Step 3.  Cut chicken parts into four or five pieces each.
Step 4.  Put in a couple of large ziplock bags or a big marinading bowl (covered with saran wrap).
Step 5.  Allow the meat to marinade for at least two hours, though I prefer to marinade stuff overnight.  I turn the meat periodically to ensure complete coverage in the marinade.
Step 6.  Preheat oven to 400.  Roast chicken 15 minutes, turning once at about 7 or 8 minutes.
Step 7.  After the meat cools slightly, chop it into small pieces.
Step 8.  Pour all of the juice from the pan into a large skillet.  Add a splash of olive oil and a splash of lemon juice. Saute chicken on medium for 3-4 minutes, or until the smallest pieces turn brown and crisp.

Typically, this is served in a pita or flatbread with the addition of salad, whatever sauces you like, and pickles.  For ketogenic purposes, I just combine the chicken with both flavors of zhug and chow the fuck down.  On carb days, warm up the flatbread or pita and stuff that bitch full of meaty goodness and hot sauce for a nomzy as fuck sandwich.

My personal favorite, if you're feeling super enthusiastic, for flatbread is the Indian flatbread chapati.  I discovered this stuff from one of my exes, and it's fucking amazing.  I honestly don't recall the exact recipe, and as I doubt she'd be willing to provide it, here's a chepati recipe that's similar.  Chapatis are easy as hell to make, fucking delicious, and actually a pretty badass snack if you just feel like eating some slightly salty carbs (it's also amazing with zhug spread on it, fyi).



Chapati
These things, as I said, are fucking awesome, and in spite of what appears to be a lengthy process, it doesn't take more than 15 minutes to make a batch of these bad boys, from opening the cupboard for the flour to eating.

Ingredients:

2 cups white or whole wheat flour (or one of each if you have both)
3/4 cup water or milk
1 tsp salt (I usually taste the dough to see if it needs more)
2 tbsps olive oil

Preparation:
Step 1.  Stir together the whole wheat flour, all-purpose flour and salt in a big bowl.
Step 2.  Use a wooden spoon to stir in the olive oil and enough water to make a soft dough that is elastic but not sticky.  Try not to eat too much of it (always a problem for me for some reason- I love uncooked dough).
Step 3.  Flour whatever surface on which you plan on kneading this (if you guys have never baked, just use a clean countertop, dust it with flour, and get your hands floury.  Then, knead the dough on that surface.  I knead the fuck out of the dough so I get soft chapatis, as they're easier to roll into a "burrito".  If you don't spend much time kneading, you may end up with stiffer chapatis, which isn't a big issue, but they might slit and dump your food in your lap.
Step 4.  Divide into 6-10 parts, depending on the size of your pan and desired chapati size.  Roll them into balls and let them rest for 5-10 minutes while you get in a round of Call of Duty or a blowjob for being the cooking virtuoso your girl never thought you could be.
Step 5.  Heat a skillet over medium heat until hot, and pop a little olive oil into it to keep the chapati from sticking.
Step 6.  On the same lightly floured surface, use a floured rolling pin to roll out the balls of dough until very thin like a tortilla.
Step 7.  As soon as the pan starts smoking, put a chapati on it. Cook until the underside has brown spots, about 30 seconds, then flip and cook on the other side. Easy peasy Japanesy.


Green chimichurri, pebre, and red chimichurri

Chimichurri and Pebre
Two weeks ago Amazon made more episodes of Anthony Bourdain's awesome show No Reservations available on Amazon Prime, and I happily sat down to watch an episode last Thursday while drinking a protein shake so I could fantasize about eating like a human being.  About halfway through the Rio episode I made two key decisions: 1) I am moving to Rio as soon as humanly possible, because booty and meat, and 2) Argentine steak sandwiches make everything I have ever eaten seem like dogshit in comparison.

I am not a sauce guy, but I somehow knew I would love the shit out of chimichurri, and so when I popped in to Pittsburgh's renown Gaucho for a steak sandwich, I was still surprised by my love for the green, oily deliciousness of chimichurri, but I didn't die of shock.  Thereafter, I immediately went home and set to determining how chimichurri is made, because if I know one thing, it's that it would taste like Brazilian booties look on just about anything I decided to top with it.  Pretty much any meat is fair game, and I've used chimichurri on ribs, steak, and chicken to good effect.



Green Chimichurri
Green chimichurri is the condiment and marinade typically used, though like zhug, each color provides it's own unique flavor.  Thus, you might as well make both, because they're both fucking amazing and you'll just sit wondering why you didn't if you make one and not the other.

Ingredients:
1 bunch flat leaf parsley
10 cloves garlic, chopped super finely
1/2-3/4 cup extra virgin olive oil (I use a half cup because I prefer my chimichurri thicker.  Try both.)
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
Juice from half a lemon
1/2 cup fresh mint leaves
1/2 cup fresh oregano leaves
1/4-2 tsp red pepper flakes (I prefer everything spicy, but the red pepper is completely optional)
1 teaspoon black pepper
1/2 teaspoon salt

Preparation:
Step 1.  Pulse parsley in processor to chop.
Step 2.  Add remaining ingredients and blend.  You can pulse it as much or as little as you like to achieve your desired consistency though- they key here isn't so much to make it 100% authentic as it is to make it perfect for you.
Step 3.  Separate sauce into equal parts.
Step 4.  Use half for basting or marinade.
Step 5.  Use other half as a condiment at the table.



Red Chimichurri
I've not yet tried this one, but it's on the schedule for this weekend.  I took Bobby Flay's recipe and modified it slightly to match what I learned making the other sauces.  This does not typically get used as a marinade, it seems, but I think it'd likely be a pretty badass marinade for roasted chicken, and it's supposed to be an incredible condiment on chorizo.

Ingredients:
1 cup finely chopped fresh flat-leaf parsley
1/2 cup extra-virgin olive oil
1/4 cup red wine vinegar
2 tablespoons finely chopped fresh oregano
1 tablespoon pureed chipotle in adobo
1 tablespoon smoked paprika
1 teaspoon crushed red pepper flakes
4 cloves garlic, finely chopped
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
Flat-leaf parsley leaves, for garnish

Preparation:
Same as above.



Pebre
Pebre's what you would get if chimichurri and salsa flew off on a weekend getaway to the Virgin Islands and fucked like drug-crazed bunnies for the weekend.  It has the onions and spice of the salsa with the delicious, savory smoothness of the chimichurri.  Whereas chimichurri is Argentine, pebre is chimichurri's Chilean cousin.  As I stated above, I despise chunky salsa, so I actually just roughly chop everything and pop it in the blender to give it a consistency like chimichurri.  As to the red chili sauce or paste, the authentic version uses a pepper that's difficult to obtain in the US- the aji amarillo.  About twice as hot as serranno peppers, for reference's sake, they're supposed to be badass if you feel like ordering them on Amazon.  Given that they're lightly smoky and roughly the same on the Scoville scale as chipotle peppers, you might want to go with chipotle peppers for this recipe.  I was a bit lazy on this recipe and went with sriracha, but intend to make another batch with my own chili paste (recipe's below).

Ingredients:
6 scallions, finely chopped
1 large tomato, finely chopped
1 small bunch cilantro, stems finely chopped
3 to 4 large garlic cloves, minced
3 tablespoons red wine vinegar
1 1/2 tablespoons spicy red chili sauce, like sriracha
1/2 tablespoon olive oil
1/2 tablespoon crushed red chili pepper flakes
1/2 teaspoon fine grain sea salt
plus additional to taste water or lemon juice

Preparation:
Step 1.  Mix everything, except the water, together in a medium sized bowl.
Step 2.  Add enough cold water to barely cover the contents of bowl.
Step 3.  Mix everything together, cover, and place in the refrigerator for a few hours to let all of the flavors blend.  It's best eaten the day it is made, but if you keep it in a sealed container it's good for a 3-5 days, like chimichurri and zhug.



Bone In Ribeye with Chimichurri
Argentines cook everything over a smoky wood fire, so it's pretty difficult to replicate their techniques without an awesome grill.  I simply use a grill plate from Ikea on the stove, which produces adequate, if not good, results.  Putting aside the method of cooking, which you can look up if you're some kind of grill master and aren't currently snowed inside, here's a good way to prepare and season your steak.  The corn starch and salt mixture, followed by the par-freezing will get your meat to brown nicely and quickly on the outside, which means your steaks will be super juicy when they come off the grill.

This prep method works fucking wonders for steak sandwiches as well, if you happen to be eating carbs.  Just slice the steak against the grain, top with chimichurri, onions, and tomatoes, and pop that shit onto a crusty baguette and you're in business.

Ingredients:
1 tablespoon cornstarch
2 tablespoons kosher salt
4 boneless strip steaks, 1 1/2 inches thick (about 1 pound each)
Ground black pepper

Preparation:
Step 1.  Combine cornstarch and salt in small bowl.
Step 2.  Pat steaks dry with paper towels, then rub steaks in their entirety with corn starch/salt mixture.  Pop those bad boys onto wire racks and toss the whole shitteree, uncovered, in freezer for about 30 minutes.
Step 3.  Remove steaks from freezer and season with pepper.
Step 4.  Grill those bad boys  If you don't know how to grill shit, look it up. This isn't cooking kindergarten.
Step 5.  After you let the meat rest, top with as much chimichurri as you want.

We're not done, not by a long shot.  I intend to whip up my own chili paste using Tien Tsin chilies this weekend, and try out a few new things, including a paleo meat paste used in lahmacun, which is sort of like a Turkish pizza, in addition to a couple of different Chinese and Japanese meatball recipes, and Chilean roast chicken.  Not to worry- you fuckers won't starve to death on my watch.


For the idiots who can't find their own porn for some sad reason, rub one out to this.  You're welcome.

Sources:
Hirst, K. Kris.  Olive history.  About.com.  Web.  23 Jan 2014.  http://archaeology.about.com/od/oterms/qt/Olive-History.htm

Levine, Beth.  Health benefits of Capsaicin.  best of New Orleans.  4 Jun 2013.  Web.  23 Jan 2014.  http://www.bestofneworleans.com/gambit/hot-shots/Content?oid=2208277

MNT.  What are the benefits of garlic?  Medical News Today.  9 Sep 2013.  Web.  23 Jan 2014.  http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/265853.php

MNT.  What are the health benefits of olive oil? Medical News Today.  20 Sep 2013.  Web.  22 Jan 2014.  http://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/266258.php

Wilson, Jacque.  5 things you may not know about olive oil.  CNN.  26 Feb 2013.  Web.  22 Jan 2014.  http://www.cnn.com/2013/02/26/health/five-things-olive-oil/

43 comments:

  1. Chimichurri is indeed the nectar of the Gods. Hopefully I walk the store isles soon and see "Chaos And Pain Salsa" line up on the shelves.

    On a side note, I realize now how accustomed I have come to your writing style that many other write ups of things seem boring... I'm currently reading Bill Starr's "Legends of the Iron Game" (essentially a "baddest MFer ever" type write up of nearly everyone involved in strength sports from the ancients up to 2010) and find myself often saying in my head "If only Jamie had written this..."

    Keep up the work man. (garlic) was a nice touch as well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hahaha. Thanks, man! That's high praise!

      Picking up sandwiches and empanadas at Gaucho for myself, my roommate, and her coworkers. Shit is too fucking good. Either making a key lime pie inside a coconut cream cake or brazilian coconut cream cake for dessert tomorrow, too.

      Delete
  2. Great post. Love shawarma and doner with loads of chilli and garlic sauce - that is the food of kings after a nights drinking. Lamachun is the dogs nuts too. Luckily these are all easy to get hold off in UK.

    Those Turks know how to make good food, did you see the No Reservations where he was in Turkey eating lamachun and kebabs?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yup! I'm actually rewatching it and mining it for recipes right now.

      Delete
  3. Good shit dude. I'm going to forward this to the wife.

    ReplyDelete
  4. These sound tasty but small nitpick, butter is actually quite healthy as a complex fat with a decent amount of short and medium chain fats. Also, olive oil while still damn good for you, the latest research is starting to show its not quite as magical as we thought in the 80's

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're DEFINITELY nitpicking. Also, you can't make the stuff I posted here with butter, so suck it. Haha.

      I actually love butter- it's just that when you look for keto recipes they're always butter centric.

      Delete
    2. That's true, but i'm not complaining. Where do you get schawarma seasoning anyway?

      Delete
  5. been eating zhug since i was a kid there is a local restaurant that makes it. ive always wanted to know how to make my own. shit is unreal good. thanks a million

    ReplyDelete
  6. How can you talk about garlic and refer to MNT and not our epic page on Examinecom?

    You hurt *all* of my feels Jamie. ALL.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BLAME THE GOOGLE MACHINE. You have no idea how long that took to write. that research was backfilled quick and dirty. Link your shit so people check it out!

      Delete
  7. Speaking of schawarma, have you ever heard Infected Mushroom's Legend of the Black Shawarma? May not be your styleof music, but there's a song on there, Smashing the Opponent, that I think is quite a bive training track.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not really my thing, but I think becoming Insane would be a better training track than Smashing the Opponent. That's a pretty cool song.

      Delete
    2. This is true. And Scorpion Frog.
      Converting Vegetarians is my cooking song.

      Delete
  8. there's no garlic listed in either of your zhug recipes?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That was a silly oversight. They're in there now.

      Delete
  9. Best blog post ever. Can't wait to try out these recipes!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Rub one out to Bailey Jay? Well it wouldn't be the first time.

    ReplyDelete
  11. I would just like to point out that this is like the third time you've mentioned shitting your pants in your blog.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Good to see another kebab mention.

    Jamie,what do you think about the japanese dichotemy?
    We are led to believe they eat mostly rice and very little real meat, they usually have small hands and hairless bodies, but they also have an atmosphere of extreme sadomasochism about them (and not just sexual). This combination seems at odds with everything you have written about testosterone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Their impotence doesn't- I'm reasonably sure no country has a higher incidence of it than Japan.

      Delete
    2. Also, Herbivore Men: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Herbivore_men
      And genophobia in Japan: http://www.exploration-online.co.uk/article.php?id=286

      Their tendencies toward BDSM may well stem from sexual frustration. As I recall, BDSM caused one to produce more testosterone, but was not necessarily an outgrowth thereof.

      Delete
    3. So this Herbivore Men trend is basically an even worse version of the West's metrosexual? I guess that means that the alpha males of that society get to stand up... erm... Nvm, it means that american service men get to stand to, lol.
      Also, I'm fairly sure that if we look at the historical records of japan vs today, we would see that the modern idea of "japanese diet" isn't what made the great men of old, great. Japan was once pastoral, just as most of the West, with both domestic and game animals making it to the kitchen table. But due to various cultural mechanisms, the rise of the large cities created a need for easy, quick food production. And voila, our current views of Rice and Seafood.

      Delete
    4. LOL! My little "prove it" was just ESTROGEN END!

      Delete
  13. Thanks for this. Just made the shawarma. Didn't want the hassle of making the sauce but hummus was a good substitute.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Excellent post and recipes. Like you, I was introduced to the döner in Europe, specifically Berlin near Gotzkowskystraße 22 when I was there for a hacker conference. It was a damn near religious experience and I have never found their like any fucking where else. For schawarma it was in a dingy alley joint in Tel Aviv that I encountered the best one ever. They also did a shakshouka you would sacrifice your soul over to get a bowl of.

    Mixed up a variation of your chimichurri recipe from above but added shallots and chipotles to it for some further kick. Came out awesome. Non-ballers need not apply.

    Keep it up big dawg.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sweet! The key to cooking is putting your own spin on it. I'm looking to hearing about everyone's different take on these recipes.

      Delete
  15. The quality of the blog is directly correlated to the amount of Bailey Jay posted here. Keep it up.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Ok... Sadly I'm going to have to question this. He's got a nice pair of tits, yes, but why?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. to annoy the people whining about lack of porn.

      Delete
  17. Very hungry now.

    I like to blend the shit out of chimicurri as well so it's smooth. Then it goes awesomely with slow cooked roast lamb - mint + garlic + lamb + copious red wine is a great Sunday afternoon.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Holy fucking hell !!!! I just had a huge fucking ribeye with a metric fuckton of the green chimichurri and it was "almost choke to death because you're inhaling your food so fucking fast" AWESOME !!! I'm not normally a sauce guy, but many thanks for these. I'm going to make the vampire-slaying red zhug this weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sweet! I feel the same way about sauce. I can generally take it or leave it, but it's fucking amazing on steak (and holy hell, slice it up and but it on a crusty roll... om nom nom).

      Delete
  19. Did some on chicken dry. Screw carbs diet. Going all in and adding in the oil. Going to try Schawarma on Cod grilled later today.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Order a Sparkling White Smiles Custom Teeth Whitening System online and SAVE BIG!
    * Up to 10 shades whiter in days!
    * Results Guaranteed.
    * As good as your dentist, for a fraction of the cost.
    * Same Teeth Whitening Gel as dentists use.

    ReplyDelete
  21. New Diet Taps into Innovative Plan to Help Dieters Lose 20 Pounds in Only 21 Days!

    ReplyDelete
  22. There is a chance you are qualified for a complimentary $1,000 Amazon Gift Card.

    ReplyDelete
  23. If you want your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend to come crawling back to you on their knees (even if they're dating somebody else now) you must watch this video
    right away...

    (VIDEO) Have your ex CRAWLING back to you...?

    ReplyDelete