05 July 2009

**What's That Spindly Thing Holding Up Your Head?

Don't be this guy.

I read somewhere that there's no excuse for having anything less than a 17 inch neck... and I would tend to agree. I've personally got a 17.5" neck, and it's pretty much the result of a hell of a lot of neck work, as I'm naturally a pencil necked geek.

Most often, the reason that guys give for having pathetic, scrawny necks that look like a drinking straw with a tennis ball stuck in it is that their gym lacks a 4-way neck machine. That's fucking lame. There's a shitload of ways to work your neck without one, but I'm going to give you my favorite. I've tried all the rest, and they suck. So you know what your options are, though, I'll list them.

Partner assisted isometric holds- One, these require a partner, which is a pain in the ass, since I LIVE ALONE, I TRAIN ALONE, AND I'LL WIN THE TITLE ALONE. Fuck an a right. Mr. T wouldn't have a training partner, and neither do I. Additionally, I don't think these do much of anything beyond warm up your neck for football practice.

Neck harness- I own one, and I hate it. The straps always rub against my ears, and as I have brutal cauliflower ear, I say fuck that to the harness.Uh... yeah. Not for me.

Neck bridges- I did these prior to figuring out how to REALLY work my neck. They're useful for wrestling, but beyond that, they suck.
If Matt Furey's in, I'm out.

4 way neck machine- The one at my gym is plate loaded, which is a pain in the balls, and the padding on those things always sucks, so you end up prissing your head against the edge of a metal plate, 9x out of 10. Fuck all that.

And so, I present to you... cable neck extensions. To do these, you'll need the following:
1) a high cable
2) a strap for hanging leg raises

First, you will punch the douche doing hanging leg raises from one of those straps in the duodenum for being a fucking pussy, and then shove him in the general direction of a manly ab exercise like the ab wheel, or tell him to grow a grip and fucking hang from the bar like a real man. Neck, you will detach said strap from the pullup bar and attach it to the high pulley. You will then put a reasonable amount of weight on the cable (50 lbs should do), and basically do weighted crunches with your neck. It will rule. I typically do high reps on one day and low on another, and hit it a few times per week. nothing too crazy- 20 sets in each direction (front and back) a week should be enough to build a neck befitting a lumberjack or Milo of Croton.
A thick neck is essential to a brutal appearance and a functional physique, so throw in some neck work before I slap you so hard your head falls off.

Don't make me come out there and start pimp-slapping motherfuckers. Do it.

Now playing: Blood Of Our Enemies - Dead In Hell
via FoxyTunes


  1. You do realize that - in the same way you showed pictures of those other guys and laughed off their technique - yours is pretty funny. You train neck. LOL

  2. Oh come on - even John Holmes wasn't anywhere near 17 inches.

  3. Oops - you said NECK.

    You forgot to mention www.buynecklineslimmer.com. It's got its own TV show.