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08 December 2010

Apropos Of Nothing: My 2007 trip to Prague

Lest I leave you guys with nothing to read, I thought at the very least I might provide you with some amusement. I wrote this blog in March of 2007 and posted it on myspace.  Here's a repost, since I just reread it and was heartily amused.  Be forewarned- there's no training in here whatsoever, and I'd obviously been reading a shitload of Tucker Max at the time.

Last weekend ranks pretty high amongst the most ridiculous experiences of my life.  
Things I learned:
-not to allow German dudes with livers like a 6 year old girls and a penchant for sleeping with their Ipods on to handle the sole room key
-Prague is not, contrary to popular belief, a cheap city for partying
-Russia must not have any strippers left, because they're all in Eastern Europe
-Eastern Europe might be cooler than Western Europe, and is definitely more like the US than Western Europe
Eastern Europe.  Good to the last drop.
The Train
Following what I originally thought to be a spectacular failure on my Financial Accounting exam (but which actually turned out to be an intellectual coup that somehow salvaged my grade and procured for me a B in the class), I bought a large bottle of Jaeger and resolved to drown my sorrows in its black licorice bliss.  Alex (the aforementioned German with the liver of a kindergartener) and Travis, two of my classmates, and I rushed to the train station, bought our tickets (for which we had to pay a $16 reservation fee despite the fact that the train was leaving in 5 min) and a lot of alcohol, and boarded in record time.  We had not yet even stowed our shit before cracking open the Jaeger and beer, and began drinking combatively before the train even began moving.  Shortly thereafter, my Jager was empty (mostly killed by me), and the other two were nursing beers, mumbling something about "pacing themselves" as I questioned their masculinity, parentage, and intestinal fortitude.  We passed the time in conversation, pointedly avoiding the topic of the exam, which was agreed to be an unmitigated disaster by all, and arrived after 4 short hours in Prague.

We Arrive
As we disembarked, we were greeted by a Czech woman with remarkably good English who invited us to stay at Hotel Express Prague, which I recommend to anyone in the area.  Alex did the majority of the negotiating, as he was least drunk, and got us a room for $60.  For the weekend.  Nice.  We followed her back to the hotel, me mentioning casually that Hostel was set in Eastern Europe, and that I'd like to live through the weekend.  Upon arriving, Travis was delighted to discover a mega porn shop across the street from the hotel, for which we left immediately upon dropping our bags in the room.  After perusing their massive selection, Alex purchased poppers and began huffing them while Travis and I sought out Absinthe (I enjoined Travis to just download all of his porn like a normal person rather than buying the armful he'd selected in 20 minutes).  Finding the Absinthe shortly thereafter, we returned to the hotel to begin drinking once more.  To spur them on into manhood, I poured doubles for every single they drank,and was soon thereafter obliterated, as were they.
Our hotel  
Partying Begins in Earnest
At some point there was a conversation between my companions to which I was not privy, over the relative merits of strippers and/or prostitutes.  Alex claimed that he hated both, though after a shot of Absinthe could talk about nothing but titty bars.  I believe I was dropping the kids off in the pool during this discussion, and emerged from the bathroom to discover them laying on their beds half asleep.  After threatening to start breaking furniture, they emerged from their state of semi-unconsciousness and proclaimed we should head for a tittybar, to which I assented, if only to get our sausagefest out into public.  We were then waylaid by one of the ubiquitous titty bar hawksters, from whom Alex haggled free drinks and entrance in return for our presence. Several more Jaegers later, Travis and I were fending off offers of everything ranging from oral sex to lap dances that exceeded the price of sex with prostitutes in the town.  I attempted to explain to the Russian spazz who apparently thought I was Donald Trump's kid that under no circumstances would I pay $30 for a lapdance, repeatedly, to no avail.  She continued her unending offers as I ignored her, even turning my back to her, and attempting to drink her out of existance.  Finally I stood and proclaimed we should leave, stopping midsentance as I watched Alex performing the weirdest dance/display of affection to a stripper I have ever seen.  Laughing hysterically at his gyrations, which would not have seemed out of place at Woodstock, I grabbed Travis and pointed out Alex, who then began drinking and laughing with me.  After Alex dropped his $30, we left the bar, constantly corralling Alex to insure he didn't wander off.  While I asked a group of Czechs where we should head next, Alex did in fact wander off, not to be seen for the rest of the night.  I called out to him, but he ignored me, so Travis and I followed the group to a bar clear on the other side of the Czech Republic.  Though I was concerned, having just seen Hostel and having watched Alex follow the ugliest Gypsie I'd ever seen down a darkened alleyway, that he might end up in a bathtub sans his kidneys, I was far too interested in the Czech chicks to worry about anyone's wellbeing.  After more Jaeger, and an inkling that the sun was about to rise, Travis and I wantered back toward the hotel, stopping briefly in the titty bar to see if Alex had returned.  He hadn't, so we abandoned our abbreviated search and headed for the hotel, only to find that Alex had the only key, and was passed out inside the room.  We banged on the door for at least 15 minutes, waking up everyone on the floor, and finally got him to open the door, and collapsed into bed.
Shithoused.
Steak and Jaeger
Upon rising and discovering that I was hungrier than I've ever been in my life, I grabbed a book, called my companions pussies for sleeping through Prague, and went in search of steak.  Soon thereafter I found some,  devoured it heartily, and enjoyed sitting in a sports-themed brewpub that would not be out of place in the US.  That's not to say it was some chain, but rather that it had the same air of unbridled masculinity that you'll find in some better US sportbars, a feature sorely lacking in much of Continental Europe.  Returning to the room, I exhorted the guys to get the fuck up, and they grundgingly obliged.  We then left the room to get more food, and after poking our heads into a number of resteraunts, settled on a pizza place.  The pizza was pretty damn good, if a little bland, and we sat for a while and chatted while planning our day.  They both wanted to watch soccer, which did not appeal to me at all, so we reached a compromise in which we'd walk around a bit and stop at a sports bar if we found one.  We headed for a giant clock in the center of town that's a famous landmark, and happened upon a sex toy museum.  


Fuck an a right, a sex toy museum.  Gods bless the Czechs.
Best. Museum. Ever.

After telling them it would be the coolest fucking thing they've ever seen (which it was), they grudgingly entered, beers in hand.  The museum began with various historical, woman-powered vibrators and other female stimulators, and led into a movie house showing the oldest threesome in porn, which might be the single funniest thing I've ever seen.  Alex and Travis, already in their cups from having been drinking as we walked the streets, were treated to my commentary and added dialogue to the movie, as were the rest of the people in the theater, who were apparently overawed by my hilarity.  I drew quite a crowd, providing MS3k-style quips throughout what might be the greatest display of hideous physiues and sexual ineptitude ever caught on celluloid.  Upon the end of this rare cinematic gem, we toured the rest of the museum, and proceeded along to the giant clock in the center of prague, capturing a comical picture of several thousand people staring with rapt attention at a giant Glockenspiel.  Don't get me wrong, it was cool, and 700 some odd years old, but these people looked as though they were watching the guy with the biggest dick in porn bang porn's smallest midget or something (which, incidentally, is amazing- a dude with an 18" dick fucks some dwarf who's something along the lines of 30" tall).  
The only soccer I'd watch of my own volition.


Thereafter, we wandered the streets looking for a sports bar, as Alex demanded that we watch grown men playing a child's game.  We were then fleeced by some shitbox Slav cabbie, who demanded something along the lines of 40E for what should have cost us 3E, and sat down to watch Man U battle it out with some other soccer team.  As we were sitting with some Man U hooligans, I had a good time with them, chugging Coke Light (for which they mocked me mercilessly, but fuck it, I like my liver right where it is) and heckling the other team and their fans.  I also ordered some wings, which were apparently cooked by a man who has never, in fact, eaten wings.  They were 1) boiled, and 2) covered in some disgusting and wholly bland salsa.  My heckling then began to include the phrase, "Your team sucks worse than these fucking wings!", which was met with no small amount of anger- apparently everyone shared my opinion of the wings

.
Upon leaving that bar, and having vowed never again to pay for a cab ride, anywhere, we began our walk back to the hotel, which turned out to take about four minutes.  Irritation then turned to murderous rage, and we vowed to kill the cabbie if we ever saw him again.  To cap this point, Alex and Travis began on a path of liver destruction to which the previous night paled in comparison.  I, being unused to drinking with either that frequency, or intensity, chose to relax a bit on the chugging of liquor, and I was the voice of sobriety for the bulk of the evening, which was another whirlwind tour of titty bars (Alex found that he was in love with one of strippers, I believe) and bars.  We again misplaced Alex while talking to some chicks, and departed on the bus for points unknown in search of what might be the weirdest club I have ever seen.  Picture, if you will,  a bar from Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, populated with European metrosexuals, metalheads, and ravers.  Quite a mix.  While Travis tried to work his magic with the locals, I grabbed another Coke Light and headed into the dance club, where I found a live band playing techno.  If that were not odd enough, I came to the realization that the band was in fact a jazz band, playing techno on jazz instruments.  I wandered back to the bar to alert Travis to the uniqueness of this band, and found him engrossed in a conversation with two Nordic chicks.  He was, apparently, awaiting my return, completely unaware of the fact that I have the same effect on European chicks that German panzers have on the French-  I inspire  mass, and usually very disorderly retreat.  Before I could do too much damage, I rolled back to the techno room, where I remained until  Travis gathered me up. 

Overhung and tired of waiting for those lazy motherfuckers to drag ass out of bed.

There you have it- my weekend adventure in the Czech Republic.  Lest you worry, the next blog installment will be back to business as usual.

40 comments :

  1. sounds like a good time

    your writing has definitely improved since the time of the write up, i feel

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  2. Fuckin' anonymous Yoda.
    Typing in English, you are bad at.

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  3. I just read a couple of posts of Tucker Max, and when I read yours I was conditioned to expect a wild orgy.
    I feel sorry for your lack of sex with the populace :-)

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  4. Well, I got a blow job, from the ugliest hooker I have ever seen, hahahaha, but that was after I wandered off ;)

    Anyways, thanks for the trip down memory lane Jamie, I remember a lot of details a bit differently, I went with you guys to that weird club, only I was kicked out after I passed out and found my way home somehow...but still, that was a fun weekend! Too bad you didn`t come with us to Bratislava...

    - Alex

    PS: And I agree with the poster above, your writing did improve a lot since then!

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  5. I like seeing anonymous posters get their panties in a knot.

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  6. Since a few people are giving you backhanded compliments on your writing....

    You have a pretentious writing style. It apparently used to be very pretentious. Now it is less so, so your writing has improved. You should strive to write how a very articulate person would talk and jettison the words and phrases that no one uses in actual speech, e.g., "to wit," "thus," "lest," etc.

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  7. P.S. If you actually say things like "to wit," "thus," and "lest" when talking, you are a douche.

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  8. Hold up, writing is not the same as speaking - otherwise why not just use voice recognition software?

    'To wit', 'lest', etc. take advantage of the different attention the audience pays to the written vs the spoken word. Done well its humorous. Jamie is one of the better blog writers of the crude school.

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  9. You should have had sex with your thesaurus instead of opening it.

    You are a douche.

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  10. It is fascinating, and it's about time somebody pointed it out. "I'm a scholar, I jerk off thrice daily" give me a break.

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  11. You went to Prague and didn't fuck some hookers?
    Shame on you!

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  12. i'm the guy who commented on his writing

    why are you riding my nuts "Adebisi"

    too stupid to recognize a compliment i see

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  13. I find the idea of paying for sex off-putting. This is also why I loathe high-maintenance broads.

    As to all of the uproar about my pretentious writing style- I think Simon summed that shit up nicely.

    I wasn't going to throw Alex under the bus about that hooker, but the bitch was a fucking troll. She was a chubby dwarf, for one, without question the ugliest Gypsie ever, and on the wrong side of 40.

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  14. The next entry will be back to business? Hope so, this one sucked. Really, what was the point of this? A few guys drinking on a weekend and eating bad food: unheard of!

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  15. Simon swings from your nut sack.

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  16. You're nuts! (pun intended)
    I find it funny that any comment poking fun at any commenter or not berating Captain Muscles is considered "nut riding."
    Carry on anonymii.
    Carry on.
    I fart in your general direction.

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  17. I really need to laugh at the dicks picking fault with this post. I thought it was awesome, not least because I was in Prague when I was 20 for my future brother in law's stag weekend, and it was brilliant. What kind of fucking geek reads a story like that, and whose first impulse is to critique the writing style? All that says to the rest of us is that you're a fucking dweeb. Go out and make some stories of your own, rather than picking fault with those of us that choose to go out and interact with normal people rather than sitting behind a keyboard.

    That being said Jamie, I took you for a hardcore drinker, you just not a 2 day in a row man?

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  18. Jamie,

    Which is the best steroid for strength, ie not so much for size? And do you ever cycle off? Orals or injectables?

    Cheers.

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  19. Talk to any Writing or English professor- you write how you speak.

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  20. "To wit, I jerk off thrice daily".

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  21. I do apologize for my sudden lapse of courtesy and goodliness. Indeed, my good equal, surely I erred in not articulating the true depth my most vociferous agreements with your inclinations. Such horror came upon me when I, in your, I should say, quite adroit observations, came to see myself reduced to the savagery that is Tucker Max.

    I do believe and I mean this quite sincerely, that the burden of restoring good gentlemanly companionship here falls upon my ow rigid manliness. Will you then join me in my study where we can sit by the fire, sipping delicious libations and imagining a horizon filled with Triple Terminator Missiles, as X-37Bs and Vulture Drones spin wildly out of control, drifting down to the world like leaves?

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  22. Jamie what kind of steroids do you use?

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  23. i dont think i have commented here before but i found your blog a while back while looking for heavy lifting and came across your weight gain post a while back and have been hooked since. i love your motivational attitude it helped me gain the weight i needed to and tell my self to 'shut the fuck up and eat'. sry if i sound like a lush lol i am a chick.

    anyways, this post made me laugh a lot im half czech and have always wanted to head to europe

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  24. Your story started out strong but then got quite phaggy fairly quickly. I was expecting at least 4 chicks getting smashed (2 of them at the same time) and possibly a dragon.

    Looking forward to the next installment.

    Cheerio.

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  25. Soccer(football) rocks and american football is shit

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  26. That's not true. It's very popular here in the U.S.: then the kids move into the 4th grade. And we move on to real sports. Cheers.

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  27. American football = war strategies and brutality.

    Soccer = drama queens faking fouls to get advantages over the other team, because the metrosexuals are scared to scratch their newly exfoliated skin and/or get dirty.

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  28. Hockey has got them both beat either way.

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  29. TRUTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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  30. nope nope, porn is the king of all sports

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  31. I always used to laugh whenever Doggcrapp newbs would ask if they could use sex as their morning cardio. How lame are these douchebags who are getting out of breath in the sack? What else is a workout for them? They must be the same clowns who are obsessed with building "functional" strength because everything is a workout. Putting tools back on the shelf, taking out the garbage, bringing in the groceries, doing the laundry. You can't be using machines in the gym if you still expect to be able to do all that normal, mundane stuff that everyone else in the entire world does.

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  32. I definitely enjoyed these anecdotes.

    If you don't find it fun to learn a bit more about the person behind the blog, you're probably reading for the wrong reasons.

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  33. I enjoyed that. I think most of the comments are made by the same mouth breathing pessimistic asshats you speak of so eloquently. I am leaving for eastern europe Jan 4 for a 11month stay and I hope to have many weekends like you described.

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  34. I've just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the hottest virtual strippers on my desktop.

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