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30 January 2010

*I Only Eat Food In Bar Form (The Supplements You Own End Up Owning You, Addendum)

Best. Simpsons Episode. Ever.

Homer Simpson: "I only eat food in bar form. When you concentrate food, you unleash its awesome power, I'm told. That's why I'm compressing 5 pounds of spaghetti into a handy mouth-sized bar.
(eats it, then dials phone)
Hospital please."

That's about the long and the short of it. The fact that something is in a health food store, or is branded as a supplement, does not make it good for you, and does not mean that it's going to help you get stronger, more muscular, or leaner. People consistently fail to realize this fact, due to ignorance of what "healthy" is, because they're snowed by marketing, and because they are simply too fucking stupid to know the difference.

Though Homer seems like a fucking retard for having the idea that any food in a bar form is good for him, there are plenty of motherfuckers running around who erroneously think that the following are worth consuming:

Clif Bars
Better known as "The Superhighway to Type 2 Diabetes", this granola-filled shitpile of a "health food" contains a whopping 21 g of sugar weighed against a paltry 9 g of protein. As if that were not enough of a nutritional ass-raping, the Clif bar is chock full of man-tit and limp-cock making soy, which is just what every man needs in his life. "But the sugar comes from brown rice syrup" you say? Go fuck yourself. Sugars come in many forms, and guess what- THEY'RE STILL SUGAR. The source of the sugar is negligible when you're consuming 21g in a go, especially when it's consumed with Soy Protein Isolate, Organic Roasted Soybeans, Organic Soy Flour, Soy White Chocolate, and Organic Soy Butter. Soy white chocolate? What kind of fucking evil, man-hating cunt created soy-based chocolate? I've no idea who she is, but she is an evil bitch, and she definitely fucking hates you.

Did I mention they also make a "Builders Bar" that contains 20g of protein? Yup. Not only is the first fucking ingredient Soy Protein Isolate, but it also contains Organic Soy Protein Concentrate, Organic Oat Fiber, and Soy Lecithin. Yippee! If you happen to look them up, out of morbid curiosity, you'll see they contain "chicory syrup" and chicory. Chicory is essentially poor-man's coffee, so I thought perhaps that it was a shitty coffee flavoring thing, but no- that's a "non-FDA approved term (non GRAS and non- CFR compliant) for high fructose syrup." I don't know what Clif looks like, but I'd imagine it's a lot like this:

Balance Bars
Trust me- at some point, we've all grabbed one in a time of catabolism and scarfed it down, in hope that it will at least provide us with enough muscle-sparing properties to get us to real food. After all, it's based on the Crossfit approved Zone macronutrient ratio of 40% carbs, 30% protein, and 30% fat, so it has to be okay for you, right? Wrong, fuckface. That diet is spawned by the same mindset of mediocrity that produced the alleged television "comedy" show "Reba" and artistically disinclined, noisome, aural nightmare that is Muzak, both of which are proof that the gods all hate us. They're marginally better than Clif bars, in that they contain 13g of protein, but they still contain 16g of sugar, and 7g of fat. Six grams of that nutritional shit show comes from soy, and the sources of sugars is high maltose corn syrup and sugar. If that's not enough, these three fuckers below apparently love Balance Bars so much that they're willing to endorse them on bodybuilding.com. Note the startling lack of muscular development and abdominal definition on these these winners.

You're fat better off getting a Quarter Pounder from McDonalds, frankly- there's no sugar, no soy, costs the same, and you're getting 24g of protein. Plus, you won't have to associate yourself the the douches pictured above, so you win twice.

You're welcome.

Power Bar Protein+
I'm sure it goes without saying that these bars taste like shit. Anyone who's ever had the grave misfortune to try a powerbar has instantly regretted the decision. Well, with the Protein+ bar, you can add to that hobo's ass flavoristic stylings grittiness and a mild soy aftertaste. Yeah, they have 23g of protein in them, but they also contain 19g of sugar, and the ubiquitous soy protein with which we are perpetually plagued.

They suck.

Promax Bars
Anytime there's more sugar in the thing you're eating than protein, it's not fucking healthy. Promax can take their 20 grams of protein and stuff them up their undoubtedly fat asses, because eaters of these fucking things get to choose between diabetes and obesity at the end of their lives, or maybe get a bit of both. Twenty eight grams of sugar? What the fuck were they thinking?

They were probably thinking of adding soy protein. Thanks Promax! Go fuck yourselves.
He avoided Promax Bars, given his low bodyfat, but he couldn't avoid those snakes.

Any Brownie Sold in a Health Food Store, with the notable exception of the Met-Rx brownie
Brownies are not healthy, no matter where they're sold. If you eat Glenny's 100 Calorie Brownies, you are a fucking idiot for a couple of reasons.
  1. You suck at math. They claim to contain 100 calories. 40 come from fat, apparently, in spite of the fact that they allegedly contain 4g of fat, which would be 36 calories (9 per gram, dummy). We'll put that idiocy aside for a moment and look at the carbs (12g) and protein (4 g). First, we'll tackle the carbs. They have 7g of fiber and 11g of sugar, which is 18g, not 12g. We'll pretend, however, that they simply left the fiber out because it's indigestable. 12+4 = 16, and 16x4 =64. 64+40 is 104. Thus, for a variety of reasons, Glenny is a liar, and probably a syphilitic whore, and you are mathematically retarded.
  2. They're full to the fucking brim of soy. Enjoy your nonexistent libido.
While I'm on the subject, those 100 calorie snack things you invariably see women eating are fucking stupid. 100 calories of Doritos is still 100 calories of bullshit. Additionally, I've never seen a woman eat just one of the fucking things. Eating multiple small servings is the same thing as eating one big fucking serving, the exception being that the small servings all have their own packaging, which creates more trash, and is worse for the environment. Apparently, the simpletons eating those things hate everyone else as much as they hate themselves. Thanks, fatasses.
How in the fuck is "oops" possessive? Fat and stupid. She probably eats 100 calorie brownies.

Think before you eat, fuckers.

19 comments :

  1. I fell into the Clif Bar trap for a while. It is so tempting, they taste delightful (with all of that sugar, of course they do!) and they have "organic" all over the label so it looks "healthy". After a certain point, I "stepped up" to the Builder's Bars because I knew needed more protein. In fairness to the regular Clif Bars, they are an "energy bar" (with all of that sugar plus all of the oats, yeah, they have a lot of "energy" in them as measured in calories), so at least they aren't miss labeled, and the "Builder Bars" only *hint* at weightlifting (with the "Builder" part of the name). A while back, when I learned more about soy, that's when I dropped them from my diet.

    I put these things into the same category as "multigrain", it's a world that is purely valueless, but the consumer *perceives* it as having healthy connotations. It takes a lot of education, learning, knowledge, AND common sense to realize that there things are wretched for you, and unfortunately, most people just will never find out.

    On that note, I ate 2.5 lbs. of steak last night spread out over 90 minutes, and I was still hungry. :)

    J.Ja

    J.Ja

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  2. The best part was, it was on someone else's dime. Too bad you weren't in town... we went to Delaney's for the "speaker dinner" last night, one of our corporate sponsors called in an AmEx card for us to eat on, not too many people showed up. If I didn't have to get home, I would have ordered a 4th steak. I was thinking of those Bulgarian powerlifters while chowing down. I am now of the beleif that if I spread each steak out over 30 minutes, with a 30 minute gap between servings, that I could potentially eat all day long without interruption. I'm going to have to put that to the test one day.

    I figured out my plan... I need to find one of those places that do "if you can finish this giant steak/pizza/sub/whatever, you eat free" and eat there on every cheat window.

    I just had an idea... now that I have a little bit of event planning experience under my belt, how would you feel about some sort of contest/competition? Columbia has a gap in the fall in terms of contests. There are PL meets in April, July (or June), and December, BB shows in spring and summer. That gives us plenty of time to put together a CnP event, maybe work with some of the folks we know? It could be a mix of PL stuff and strongman stuff, definitely some sort of deadlift and some sort of squat, plus farmer's, tire flips, sled dragging? Just throwing stuff out there off the top of my head.

    J.Ja

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  3. That'd be pretty fucking fun. Too bad Steve's all the way up in Philly, because the last comp I did at his gym was just like that.

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  4. If you're stupid enough not to know what to eat, then you deserve the crap you shove in your mouth. I knew more about nutrition in 10th grade of high school than most adults will ever know. It literally takes about 5 minutes of research to figure out that these processed bars are crap.

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  5. The funniest part is that the Clif bars marketing makes the company seem like they are some holy, anti corporate establishment that is providing a healthy alternative to mainstream energy/food bars.

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  6. Yeah, seeing that video from the event, combined with just wrapping up the Code Camp here, is what gave me the idea. Beleive it or not, doing an event isn't hard. Sponsors LOVE this kind of stuff, because it is loads cheaper and more effective than advertising in some magazine, and let's them get some "face time" with folks. Alternatively, maybe we could organize some sort of "clinic"? I'm sure we'll discuss this in the coming days, but I think we can definitely pull this off, and it would be an awesome time for all.

    J.Ja

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  7. AJM -

    Yeah, that's very true. The problem is that you are missing the "expert" factor. People cede their decisions to "experts" because it is easier. For example, there are probably people reading this site right now who would go shovel a cow pie in their motuh if Jamie said that it would be good for them, because Jamie has established himself as a knowledgable resource. Likewise, in my area of expertise (IT, software development), there are people who I know for a fact have made career changing decisions based on something I said to them in an email or posted on my blog.

    Part of me is snide and cynical about this... "people should do the research and make a decision on their own!" At the same time, that's the problem with bad "experts", when someone looks to them for information and gets bad (or self-serving) information, they don't know any better. If the "experts" at some supplement company have declared that their product is great for you, then are you going to then take the time and investigate every ingredient on the label? You personally might, but the average person won't. After all, if you can't trust the expert, what's the point of one? And who is to say that the expert's information was based on something that is simply outdated?

    A great example of this is taking training advice for Arnold. He's one of the folks that (to the best of my knowledge) doesn't stand to gain from handing out bad advice. Again, to the best of my knowledge, he doesn't have a financial hand in any supplement companies, equipment companies, etc. Sure, there are indirect ties, but everyone has those. At the same time, much of Arnold's information is not te best, simply because he learned it in the 60's and 70's, and much (if not most) of his personal experience is not applicable to the average person, because he is a true genetic freak and was on high quality, "real deal" steroids for ages. Yet, people hang on his every word, because he body is proof positive that he knows what he is talking about.

    I highly suggest you read "Influence: Science and Practice" (http://www.amazon.com/Influence-Practice-Robert-B-Cialdini/dp/0205609996/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1264956418&sr=8-1), which is just about the best book available if you are interesting in understand why people do the things that they do, instead of just slamming them. I am sure that you trust experts without research all day long and think nothing of it. When your mechanic tells you that you have a bad transmission, do you ask him to show you all of the parts, you go get some mechanic books, and verify that's what happened? Of course not. Do you rip open the walls in your house and inspect all of the wiring yourself to ensure that it is not a fire hazard? Of course not. Do you re-do your 1040 just to make sure that H&R Block or the tax software did it 100% right? Of course not. Likewise, you can't expect that everyone who is taking a supplement has researched every single aspect of the supplement... in a busy world where people have crazy jobs, families, problems, etc., that is asking a lot of them. And that's why only those who are truly dedicated to training, fitness, health, etc. take the time to do the research, because for them, spending that time is a priority.

    J.Ja

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  8. J. Ja...how much do you love yourself? My Christ, post a two-line comment about the blog topic. Or start your own blog. Do you pat yourself on the back in public like you do on here? You're just the cat's meow.

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  9. Good post J.Ja
    you are damn right

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  10. I don't blindly follow anyone. My sources include a solid base of facts, evidence, and references. The kind of person that continues to shovel processed bars in their mouth hoping to achieve good health is a person that goes with the accepted knowledge, without questioning why he is doing it.

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  11. I just so happen to like longwinded discussions in the comments, especially since it's usually J.Ja and he's not a fucking moron like with every other giant blog comment on the internet.

    Also, J.Ja actually does have his own blog...

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  12. He should stick to posting on his blog. There's long-winded and there's just posting a completely new blog in the comments (which is what he's doing).

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  13. I enjoy reading his comments. If you don't, then don't read them.

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  14. Jaime...John here,

    Well it's about fucking time someone wrote all this. So, when is someone going to actually produce a good bar that is mass marketed (or in existence at all)? I think all corporate food producers are chasing the taste phenomenon, assuming that the consuming public is too fucking stupid to want something that doesn't heavily stroke their manufactured need for sugar. I'm not as skeptical about my fellow man. I say produce something that doesn't suck balls, and the public will catch on and eat the shit.

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  15. One has to read this blog before eating more food.
    Very nice blog I like it very much and would like to bookmark it.



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  16. Choose a right protein shake or protein powder is the best way to make your muscle growth.
    - fish oil

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  17. As a personal trainer I encourage clients to make their own protein bars - it only takes whey, PB, and oats - but many of them settle for the convenience of builder bars! I'll have to share this with some of them.

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