You Can Gain Weight Without Looking Like a Fat Fuck #2

Bruce Lee was famous for telling to "be like water", and his theory is as applicable to training and dieting as it is to fighting. The quote actually comes from the Dao de Ching, and is even better when looked at in its entirety: "Be like water making its way through cracks. Do not be assertive, but adjust to the object, and you shall find a way round or through it. If nothing within you stays rigid, outward things will disclose themselves…"  That is exactly the way you must approach dieting and training if you want to have success.  In most people's minds, dieting is a very cut and dry thing- cut calories to lose weight, and increase calories to gain weight.  The key, however, is to lose and gain the right kinds of weight, and not to do so to the detriment of your strength training goals.  At that point, it becomes far more art than science, and anyone who tells you differently is a lying sack of shit whose children will hopefully be born blind and crippled as punishment for their forebear's stupidity and general dishonor.

Dieting FTW.

With that in mind, clean bulking isn't easy.  Boiled down to its essence, it looks deceptively so, however:

1. Eat more.
2. Lift more.

Seems simple, right?  Couldn't be simpler.  Well, let's just look at the second part of that to illustrate the difficulty of this.

Lift more.  This could mean any number of things, especially coming from me.  My meaning's actually no more obtuse than the actual statement itself, as it means: lift more in terms of poundage, but not necessarily in terms of volume, while at the same time adding extra sessions if at all possible.

Seems a bit contradictory, right?  It's actually not.  If you're of the mind to, say, train 5x5 on squats with 405 lbs 3 times a week, your total volume for that week would be 30,375 lbs on the squat.  I would recommend, if you want to bulk cleanly, that you try to train heavier when you're lifting heavy, but add extra sessions of light work as well.  Thus, your workouts could become 2 days of 12x1x500 and 2 sessions of 2x30x135, which means that your total volume would be 28,200.  While the training volume's not quite as high in terms of total poundage, it's likely that you're doing far more work per minute, which means that your workout density is improved. Additionally, you'll be facilitating active recovery with your light sessions, which will transport more nutrients (of which you'll be eating more) to the afflicted areas, and will take advantage of the increased protein synthesis you'll be getting from your increased training frequency. (Zatsiorsky, p. 12)  As you try to ramp up the number of sessions per week, you'll find that some weeks you can handle more training, and some you can't.  As such, you'll autoregulate your growth and recovery by listening to your muscles.  If they're cramping so badly during your warmups that your form is absolute shit and you want to die, move on to a different lift.  Half of the wacky exercises I've adopted by reading old strongman texts have been to give me something to do when everything hurts (the other half for  when I'm bored with what I've been doing, which occurs rather frequently when you're training 10-11 times a week), and they work, as they keep me in the gym and typically stress my body in ways to which it is unused.  This theory's in no way new- prior to the adoption of static training programs as a method to sell magazines and books, this is the way people trained.  It's far more natural than the mechanical methodology of linear progression, and it's clinically proven to produce better results in trained athletes. (Mann et al) Think of yourself as a banzai tree- you're not going to grow in straight lines, no matter how much you Mister Miyagi your training.  You can, however, make tiny adjustments constantly to guide your growth so that it progresses in an manner that is in accordance with your goals.  Bear in mind, with autoregulatory goodness filling up your body, that bilateral training produces far greater increases in growth hormone than does unilateral training.  As such, focus more on barbell exercises than dumbbell ones, and if you find yourself doing unilateral movements, make them BIG.  The amount of muscle mass activated during training is as important to creating anabolic hormone response as Tera Patrick's angry screaming while getting fucked is essential to her popularity.(Kraemer et al.)  For those of you who are sadly unaware of Tera's vocal skills, it's essential.

With that out of the way, let's move onto the even harder side of the issue- eat more.  For those of you familiar with my blog, you know that I'm a fan of paleolithic dieting, although many of you seem to have a slightly skewed notion of what role paleo dieting actually plays for me.  Paleo dieting is a great way to get really lean, really quickly, while sparing muscle.  It might also be a good way to clean bulk, but I've never tried, as it requires you to eat cleanly, and it's pretty difficult to get enough calories to gain an appreciable amount of weight in a year without spending your entire day eating and cooking.  As such, deviation in necessary.  It is useful, however, to bear in mind that consumption of non-paleo foods in great quantities will lead to fat gains, even if they facilitate muscular bodyweight gains as well.  I've found the best way to bulk cleanly is to rotate my calories and macronutrients.  I don't bother with utilizing a percentage of my BMR, however, in setting my calories, due to the near impossibility of making that calculation.  Even were you to determine your bmr for a given day, it will change as you get leaner, or bigger, or fatter, or smaller, or any permutation thereof.  It'll deviate further as your daily activities change, ranging from the amount and quality of your sleep to water consumption (and the temperature of that water), your lifestyle activities (do you work sitting or standing?  How much did you walk in a given day?), and finally your training style, loading protocols, TUT, and any number of other factors too numerous to mention.

Side note- fucking regularly will keep you lean, and give you a shitload of leniency in your diet.  I'm talking 2+ times a day, not the ~3x a week that I've heard various idiots bragging about. Masturbation does not seem to be a suitable substitute, either- it seems that the caloric expenditure during sex plays a part, as does the fact that testosterone levels are more heavily impacted by sex than masturbation also plays a part.

Back to rotating your macros and calories.  Start by doubling your bodyweight in lbs, and making that your baseline for grams of protein, daily.  As you grow, up your protein.  Thereafter, you're going to have high, medium, and low carb days, which will be inversely proportional to your fat intake (unless you choose a paleo day instead of a keto day).  Thus, protein remains static, while you'll have high carb/low fat, medium carb/medium fat, and low carb/low fat or low carb/high fat days.  Into the mix, you'll throw two cheat windows- and don't throw them in on your low/low days.  The low/low days are important, in my mind, as they serve to give a sort of protein fasting day- they're for all intents and purposes a paleo day.  That's the day where you're kicking up fat metabolism, forcing your body to change your output of leptin on a daily basis, and prevent your body from settling into homeostasis of any kind.  Since leptin is the hormone responsible for controlling your appetite and plays a role in fat deposition and utilization, fucking with it by doing the metabolic equivalent of poking it in the eye with a sharp stick is key.  Should you find that you're staying lean with no problem, you're incredibly hungry, or you simply want a keto day, take one.  Bear in mind that those days are high calorie days, so they're tricky to fit into this system if you are really trying to rotate your calories.  You could, however, cheat on these days by simply eating a massive amount of fatty meat for the three hours- hitting an all you can eat steak house or rib place (and only eating ribs coated in a dry rub).  Experimentation is the word of the day here, and you're going to be like a mad scientist, tinkering with your diet until you've turned yourself into a massive, world-destroying robot bent on nothing short of the subjugation and destruction of the entire human race.

To define high carb and low carb:  low carb means under 75g of carbohydrates for the purposes of this dietary regime.  Thus, you'll be able to eat a handful of nuts, some veggies, and whatever carbs are in your protein shakes.  That 75g does not include your postworkout meal, either, which should include at least 20g of protein and 40-75g of carbs.  Play with the levels and see what works for you.  I found Trio-Plex cookies and the occasional Met-Rx Big 100 brownie to be perfect for this.  Otherwise, I avoid eating carbs in the form of grains or starches on these days.  Medium carb days are usually those where I'll have my cheat window, which I almost invariably had at dinnertime.  I make this a forcefeeding of epic proportions, and eat hard for 3 hours, whatever I want.  At three hours, anything I haven't finished goes into the trash, and I have shakes for the remainder of the evening.  I'll generally follow cheat days with a medium or low carb day, and then go high carb or cheat again.  Never cheat on

consecutive days, if it's in a forcefeeding sort of way.  If you know you're going to cheat multiple days in a row, make it a bit sensible, and don't gorge yourself- your body will absorb the excess without hurting your bodyfat levels.  For the high carb day, I keep the fats low, generally eat 40-60g of carbs at 4 or 5 of my meals, which will give me 200-300g of carbs (1-1.5g of carbs per lb of bodyweight).  Total meals per day will be between 6 and 10, depending on exactly how long I'm awake, how full I am from one meal to the next, etc.  I never go more than 3 hours without eating, and I always leave a shake sitting on the back of the toilet to drink while I piss in the middle of the night.  Obviously, I make my shakes with water- don't make the evening one with milk unless you like your milk sour. 

But I still haven't explained how to fine tune this motherfucker into a steamy sexpot of high octane awesome!  I guess you'll have to wait for the next installment...

1) Mann JB, Thyfault JP, Ivey PA, Sayers SP. "The Effect of Autoregulatory Progressive Resistance Exercise vs. Linear Periodization on Strength Improvement in College Athletes." J Strength Cond Res. 2010 Jun 10. [Epub ahead of print]  http://www.ampedtraining.com/exercise-science/research-review-autoregulatory-training-linear-periodization#more-1476 Posted 6/21/2010.  Accessed 8/19/2010. - "Autoregulatory progressive resistance exercise demonstrated greater improvement in 1RM bench press strength, estimated 1RM squat strength and the
number of repetitions performed at a weight of 225 lb compared with the [Linear Progression] group over the 6-week training period." Their "findings indicate[d] that the APRE was more effective than the LP means of programming in increasing the bench press and squat over a period of 6 weeks."

2) Zatsiorsky, Vladimir.  "Intensity of Strength Training Facts and Theory: Russian and Eastern Approach."  Biomechanics Lab at the Pennsylvania State University, University Park, PA, and Central Institute of Physical Culture- Moscow, Russia.  - Zatsiorsky shows that the heavier one's training rate, the higher one's rate of protein degradation, which means a corresponding increase in protein synthesis.

3) Migiano, Matthew J; Vingren, Jakob L; Volek, Jeff S; Maresh, Carl M; Fragala, Maren S; Ho, Jen-Yu; Thomas, Gwendolyn A; Hatfield, Disa L; Häkkinen, Keijo; Ahtiainen, Juha; Earp, Jacob E; Kraemer, William J. "Endocrine Response Patterns to Acute Unilateral and Bilateral Resistance Exercise in Men."Journal of Strength & Conditioning Research. 24(1):128-134, January 2010.

You Can Gain Weight Without Looking Like a Fat Fuck

There appears to be a great deal of fear, circumspection, incredulity, and general confusion surrounding the concept that lifters can indeed gain muscular bodyweight without getting fat (moreso naturally than without gear than with).  Allow me to allay your fears and put that horseshit to rest- it's not impossible.  Certainly, you're going to have a natural barrier to getting bigger that can be usurped by taking things like OTC gear (like Superdrol) or black-market gear (like the non-methylated versions of the shit that's in Superdrol), but even if you avoid the use of that sort of thing, it's possible to gain muscular bodyweight without getting fat.

Stan Efferding *might* have used gear while clean bulking.

First off, I'd like to touch on something that clearly irks the shit out of some people- my total unwillingness to prescribe detailed dieting or programming recommendations.  The loose guidelines I give people apparently drive a lot of you fucking bananas, which I've always found odd.  John Romaniello elucidated the reason behind this, however, in an article on T-Muscle.  In that article, he described disparity between the mental approach of dieters, segmenting them into two distinct categories- freedom dieters and rule dieters.  Freedom dieters are like myself- we thrive on loose outlines like macronutrient ratios and chafe at specific instructions on exactly what to eat, when.  Rule dieters, by comparison, are totally fucking lost without a timetables by which they need to eat very specific amounts of very specific foods.  They apparently make the best bodybuilders, but to me that sort of mindlessness is bizarre.  

The freaks and super sci-fi nerds amongst you will recall the Gor series by John Norman, which outlined a very specific lifestyle dynamic (now referred to as Gorean) wherein one person is completely in control of the other.  People have adopted this lifestyle in real life, to the point where some have actually gone to jail for playing master-slave.  This isn't some normal, "I'm gonna make you prance around naked while everyone has a go at you and we scrawl 'whore' on your chest and then use you as a coffee table" sort of deal- I'm talking, they can force their slave to give up custody of their children, are forced to wait in one spot without speaking or moving a muscle until told to move, etc.  Frankly, either end of that sort of relationship seems fucking insane to me- if I have to take a piss, I'll do so when and where I want, and anyone who says otherwise can eat shit.  Conversely, I cannot imagine the inanity of having to tell someone when to do everything they're going to do, and how- it'd be worse than having a baby, which would in turn be worse than having AIDS.  I mean, I get distracted in the middle of a sentence... there's no way I'd remember to tell some silly broad to get the fuck up and go take a shit before she stains the carpet, and she'd likely starve to death before I remembered to instruct her to eat. 

That's the dude-in-jail linked above, with some broad who doesn't know when to eat.

Thus, when people ask me for specific dietary recommendations, I would rather have AIDS than give them.  I've no fucking clue what people like to eat, whether they can cook, what's available at their grocery store, etc.  Additionally, I'd expect people to exercise a modicum of free thought and initiative in attempting to get lean or build muscle, or both.  On that note, I'm not going to tell you what to eat, or when, in the precise terms some of you so longingly desire.  Instead, I'm going to give you some rather broad recommendations you can use to guide your experimentation.


Now, the very first thing to do is to throw out everything you think you know about gaining weight scientifically.  There's no science in the horseshit recommendations you'll find being made on websites like Bodybuilding.com- they're there people people want to be spoon-fed easy bullshit that they're going to debate endlessly and never actually fucking try.  Lean bulking's not easy and it's not a static process.  The very idea that it might be is about as logical as the thought that tripling the deficit is going to improve our nation's economy in either the short or long term... and we've all seen enough news to see how that happy horseshit is working out.  Common methodologies for weight gain, hackneyed and vapid as they are, are shit like adding 500 calories of anything to one's diet every day, or GOMAD (gallon of milk a day).  Adopting one of those methodologies without employing any critical thinking or utilizing a modicum of analysis in the process of their utilization is as preposterous as going into a Thai whorehouse where the prostitutes regularly fuck sub-Saharan African monkeys, and then fucking every broad in there six times on the recommendation of a friend who told you that you'd have a great time, and you wouldn't get AIDS.  We'll, he'd be half right, just like anyone who recommended GOMAD as the ultimate way to cleanly bulk you be half right- you're going to get the positive aspects of each endeavor, but the the downside is that you might die early from your inability to critically assess your actions as you performed them.

With GOMAD, you too can look like this.

Yep, I'm shot right out of a fucking cannon on this one.  Tomorrow, I'll explain how to bulk while you avoid looking like you spent the last month eating mayonnaise straight out of the jar with a soup ladle.  

Shit You've Never Tried Before #2- One Arm Barbell Clean and Press

First, a caveat- I didn't invent this shit, nor do I claim to have some hidden knowledge and gleaned this exercise from some book I prized from the hands of a dead monk on the top of a mountain in the wilds of Tibet.  I'm not Matt Furey.  He, by the way, got every last scintilla of information he's bestowed upon the strength training world from books you can get online here and here, rather than an esoteric, lost training manual handed down by a secret race of giant strongmen who inhabited Lemuria for the last thousand years.  In any event, here's an exercise you've likely never tried- the one arm barbell clean and press.

If I had killed everyone who'd ever asked me why I did this lift, I'd have more bodies in my crawlspace than John Wayne Gacy, only without all of the tremendously creepy clown pictures.  One, I do this exercise because it's fun, although I pretty much suck dogshit at it.  Two, I do it because it's a nice break from the regular shit I do, it's lighter, so it's easier on my body after 10 workouts in a week, and no one fucking does it.  Frankly, I'd much rather use this lift to build my biceps than the preacher bench- it's more fun, more anabolic, and a hell of a lot less womanly.  Say what you want about it, but the one arm clean and press is one manly fucking exercise, provided you're not doing it with a light kettlebell, Gym Jones-style.

Hackenschmidt.

This exercise used to be a mainstay in every lifter's arsenal, much like the one arm snatch, or like the cable crossover is now.  It was one of the reasons why old school lifters looked to be hard as nails, and the average gym goer looks about as tough as a pile of wet dogshit with a pink bow placed atop it.

Points of Reference (so you know how much you suck):

Milo Steinborn- 265 lb (with a jerk rather than a press)

Edward Aston- 250lb (with a jerk) at a bodyweight of 175

Kurt Saxon- 275 lb (with a bent press)

Hermann Saxon- 272 lb (with a bent press)

Maxick - 232 lb (with a jerk) at a bodyweight of 150

Hermann Goerner- 215 and 183 (with a jerk and a press, respectively)

George Hackenschmidt- 210 (with a jerk)

Everyone did this exercise back in the day, and they did it fucking well.  I've pulled off a right handed one arm clean and push press thing with 145 or 155 once or twice in my life, and I felt pretty fucking good about it.  I shouldn't- compared to Maxick, I'm barely even a fucking man.

As you can see from the descriptions above, there are essentially three ways to do this lift.  As people far better at this lift than I have written about it, I shall defer to their instructions.  Hilariously, this lift was at one time so well know that Maxick was hesitant even to describe how to do it(if you want to read his full book, and the writeup on this exercise, click that link).  It'd be like telling someone how to do a barbell curl, nowadays, so he didn't want to waste his time with it.  Maxick explained that you can do it one of two ways, by putting your elbow on your thigh, or your forearm on your thigh.  You grab the bar in the center, stand up, hard, and then duck your elbow quickly underneath the weight using your leg as a lever to support the weight. You then either put your elbow on your thigh or pull it in tight to your waist, and prepare to push it aloft using one of the three pressing methods.

I'm not even going to try to explain how to bent press, and I don't really understand the explanations I've read, and I've no interest in spending the necessary time to figure it out (Saxon's description is linked).  As such, there are essentially two other ways to get the weight up- with a jerk, and with a press.  Either way, the weight should be held with a neutral grip for this, so your palm is facing the side of your head.  Thereafter, you're either going to "jump" it up with a jerk or press it strictly.  I'll tell you this- if you have weak wrists, there's no fucking way in hell you're doing a one-handed jerk, and if you attempt it, you're definitely fucking your wrist harder than Nick Manning's ever fucked any whore, in the history of forever.  Unfortunately, the only load you're going to be dropping is the weight on your foot after your wrist collapses and you smack yourself in the temple.  I speak from experience.

Dropping fucking loads.

What have we learned?  We are all made to look like a pack of fucking poofters compared to old school strongmen in loincloths and those weird Roman boots.  Even at our best, we about as manly as Richard Simmons happily frolicking through a forest of massive, tumescent cocks while wearing a pink tutu and singing a song about picking daisies in comparison with lifters of a bygone era.  As such, perhaps it's time to pass on some curls and get down to the business of doing weird lifts with heavy-ass weight.  That, or join Mr Simmons in the aforementioned scenario.  Your choice.

Baddest Motherfuckers Ever #17- Vasily Alexeev

Clearly, when I post about the baddest motherfuckers, I'm not simply out to find the strongest people ever, but rather colorful people about whom you might not know, and who had a rare combination of intellect, aggression, sense of humor, and brute fucking strength that very few people embody.  I've gotten no shortage of comments and emails to the effect that various people of weak constitutions find my verbal shrines to such criminals and lunatics as Benny Podda and Charles Bronson objectionable, which is true.  With that admission, I'll lay it out for you people in simple chapter and verse- if you're not offending anyone, you're living a sad, boring, trite life, you lack the ability or willingness to think for yourself, and you'll die completely forgotten.  No one gives a shit about human robots who sleepwalk through life toeing every line that society puts in front of them, as those people are so pathetic that they don't even garner loathing- they live and die in utter obscurity, ignored by the world in which they refuse to actually live.

Greatest. Metal face.  Ever.

Thus, I present to you Vasily Alexeev, a man who was considered to be, hands down, the greatest super-heavyweight of all time, until that gigantic Iranian weightlifting machine Hossein Rezazadeh stepped onto the scene.  Fuck HR- that man's so boring, I fell asleep twice reading his fucking Wikipedia profile.  Allow me to introduce you to Alexeev, who was the Russian Mas Oyama of weightlifting, a general lunatic, and an innovator in training methodologies the likes of which we'll likely never see again.

As I stated above, Alexeev's considered to be considered the greatest, or one of the few greatest, super heavyweight weightlifters of all time, due primarily to the fact that he set 80 world records and 81 Soviet records in weightlifting during his career.  Alexeev was considered a national hero in the Soviet Union during his career, and was even beloved by the neo-Stalinist Premier Leonid Breznev, who pretty much hated everybody.  "Brezhnev loved Alexeev, considered him a symbol of Russian strength or, as it was said often, "the stongest man on the planet" (Iriston)  Alexeev stood 6'1" and weighed around 350 lbs, and was a bonafide badass on the platform.  His best lifts included:

Snatch: 418 lb (190.0 kg)

Clean and press: 520.3 lb (236.5 kg)

Clean and jerk: 563.2 lb (256.0 kg)

Total: 1419 lb (645.0 kg) (clean and press + snatch + clean and jerk)

Total: 979 lb (445.0 kg) (snatch + clean and jerk) 

One Arm Snatch: 231 lbs. (105 kg) (Left Hand) 

While your mind is reeling from those insanely gigantic numbers, consider this:  he had no set training routine.  At a time when everyone in Russia was forced to shit on a timer, and they were sent to the camps if their deuce was over or under the established Soviet limits for ass loafs, this guy was left way the fuck alone, and he got up to some crazy nonsense in the gym.  

"Vasily includes a great variety of exercises in his training", wrote Ivanov. "Besides exercises in the· snatch, jerk, or press, pull and squats, I have used many other exercises with the barbell and weights. Bends with the barbell on theshoulders; bends with the barbell on the shoulders while lying on the 'horse' bracing one's hips with the legs secured [back extensions - ed.]; jumps with the barbell on your shoulders; press on crossbars with weights; bending and unbending the arms in the elbow joints; squats on one leg; throwing the bar upward and behind; and other exercises. In addition, in the first year of the time span analyzed, these exercises consisted of, on the average, 360 lifts in the preparatory period and 158 lifts during the competition period. In the second year, correspondingly 841 and 506 lifts, and in the third 880 lifts a month."" (Ivanov)  

Thus, his training variation was leaps and bounds beyond that of the Russians or the Bulgarians, both of whom restrict their training to the basics.  

Alexeev didn't stop with simple doing the occasional bench press or jump squat in the gym, either.  He'd drag a shitload of kettlebells and loaded barbells down to a river, toss the shit in the water, and lift in the middle of the river.  He apparently believed that getting what amounted to a violent colonic with near-freezing water in the Volga was a bracing start to a snatch attempt. Due to a combination of factors, which were likely that everyone knew he was batshit crazy, and the fact that Soviet guards likely would have shot anyone who stepped off the platform to attempt Alexeev's wacky routines, he trained alone.  As he was left to like an ultra- old school Clubber Lang, Alexeev massively increased his training load, which according to Ivanov was regularly 40 tons per session.   

"The difference between my methodics and others is great," said Alexeev.  "What is mainly different is that I train more often and I lift more weights than others. I never know when I will train. Sometimes deep in the night, sometimes in the morning.  Sometimes several times a day, sometimes not at all. I never repeat myself. Only I understand what is right for me. I have never had a coach. I know my own possibilities bestly. No coach knows them. Coaches grow old and they have old ideas."" (Ivanov)

I live alone! I train alone!  I'll win the title alone! I can't be beat and I won't be beat!

In other words, Alexeev knew that a cookie-cutter routine was not going to get him to the pinnacle of weightlifting achievements- instead, he said fuck you to everyone, trained around the clock, used crazy poundages, and did shit that's beyond explicable (like doing Olympic lifts in the Volga River) to increase his maxes.  He even trained on his off days, calling them "vital days", and using them to do shit like cutting down trees.  Though he lacked a beard, Alexeev apparently loved to play lumberjack when he wasn't in the gym (Sorin)  In the spirit of never fully resting, Alexeev apparently invented the barbell complex- "Usually the athletes lift barbells and then immediately drop them. This takes several seconds. According to Alexeyev's method, the sportsman finds himself under the weight for a period of two or three minutes. The entire body must sustain this prolonged effort, as the athlete completes several consecutive exercises without letting go of the equipment. " (Ivanov)   

Though he looked like a massive wad of uncooked cookie dough, Alexeev was a bad motherfucker both in and out of the gym.  I can find little more on his diet than he allegedly ate 36 egg omlettes for breakfast, which he must've followed by loading a caulking gun with mayonnaise and injecting it directly into his femoral artery, because he was a fat motherfucker.  We do know that the man liked to drink, and that he thought about as much about the traditional sports discipline of sleeping and refraining from getting hammered as he did about Russian training methodologies- they were a pile of horseshit.  "When they were in the training hall sizing each other up Vasily was always gone only to return after hours.  The other competitors slept in their beds like giant babes while "Uncle Vasily" ran up and down the halls drinking beer from the case held under his arm while thowing bottles and firecrackers in the other sleeping giant's rooms. " (Sorin)  Ex-fucking-actly.  It's not as though a 600 lb snatch is going to cure cancer, and Alexeev knew it- he was out to lift big weights, live big, and have a good fucking time.  That said, he was apparently not above handing out an ass-whipping when one was warranted.  Rudolf Plyukfelder, an East German who briefly coached Alexeev, said that  Alexeev "already served time in jail for ruthless beating of a man. But they pulled him out from jail because he was a "pride of Soviet sport."  (Malkin)  You know you're a weightlifting badass when the cops let you out of jail so you can represent yo' shit.

That's not to say the man was a drooling retard, either.  He might have looked like a half-shaved and flabby gorilla, but Alexeev was an intellectual.  He held a Master of Sport title and a degree in mining engineering, and spend a great deal of time pontificating about lifting.  For instance, he often felt that improving a lift did not depend on improving one's technique, but rather on strengthening one's body to maximize one's strength with their existing technique.  He said the following on that topic:

"What upsets me is that the method of training used by an overwhelming number of weightlifters, in spite of the amazing growth in records, is still at the same point it was in the fifties. For example, you want to improve your technique on the snatch - you practise the snatch; the jerk -- you practice the jerk. I tell them to correct their mistakes differently -- to strengthen separate groups of muscles. A simple example: an athlete is having trouble with the snatch. They advise him to start differently, to change his grip on

the barbell -- wider or narrower. But it turns out that it's enough to build up a group of muscles which 'do the trick' with the maximum effort and he gets better results ..."

"We often see the effect but not the cause of what's lacking. If an athlete doesn't know how to jerk, he's not going to learn this only by jerking. But if he were to do some necessary exercises in order to strengthen a group of muscles (those necessary for the jerk) then he will get results. No one seems to understand that, even though an exercise does not 'lie' [functionally] right alongside the jerk, it influences, it gives you the jerk . . ."(Ivanov)

Additionally, he encouraged people to think for themselves, rather than to blindly follow the recommendations for others.  That's a sentiment that I currently echo, as I'm consistently horrified to find people who are willing to follow a stranger's recommendations about training and diet without thinking about the reasoning behind it.  "Most important," Alexeev stated, "he must teach him to reason and make important decisions independently. Without thought there's no creation. And without creation, progress in our difficult work is impossible." (Ivanov)  The ability to think for himself was one of the most important components of Alexeev's competition preparation, and he credited it with handing him victories over far more physically impressive specimens, like Rigert and Reding. 

Rigert.

"They say that the strongest wins. But the strongest in what way? I remember, at the time of the championships in Lima, that Reding in training lifted record weights. He had acquired a terrific strength and huge muscles, but he lost to me, even though he was physically stronger. Why? Serge and I had different ways of training. Others thought for him. He carried out the suggestions of his coach, Dupont. Roughly speaking, Reding took in 'the science of winning' though his ears. And this showed when he was on his own with the barbell. But, as for me, I thought for myself. Serge also lost because he wanted to beat me. That's all he thought about. He worried constantly and burned himself out before he even got to the platform . . ." (Ivanov)

To Alexeev, and any man worth wearing a plaid shirt and carrying an axe, injuring onesself was merely a part of the learning process.  On injuries, he said:

"It seems to me that some of the talented athletes lack one thing-- they haven't had an injury. That's right!  An injury that will put them out of commission for a year during which time they'll have a chance to weigh everything.  I, too, would not be where I am if I had not injured my back.  I suffered for a year and a half thinking everything over ... After a misfortune, people pull through and become, if possible, great people -- and sportsmen, in particular. Those who are stronger find their way out and to the top ..."(Ivanov)

Although I am generally loathe to take advice from fat people, as their disgusting physique indicates to me a massive hole in their discipline and preparation, there's a great deal that can be taken from Alexeev's methodologies.  Thinking for one's self and training in a manner that suits you, not some internet guru or allegedly renowned strength coach is the best path to success, provided that it's fueled by introspection and research, rather than half-assed idiocy.  You're going to injure yourself at some point, and likely when it's most inconvenient, but that's simply an opportunity to better yourself.  Most of all, being batshit crazy and enjoying yourself is the linchpin to your entire life- no one gives a fuck about the guy whose favorite color is beige, and his favorite flavor is vanilla, and who listens to easy listening music while gently lifting light weights.  Victory goes to the guy who will smash down the fucking walls like they're a modern day Kool-Aid man, and then fight, fuck, and think their way to winning.

Sources:
Ivanov, Dmitri.  "EFS Classic: The Science of Winning According to Vasili Alexeyev" http://www.elitefts.com/documents/science_of_winning.htm
Sorin, Richard.  "A brief history of sport's most recognized man" http://store.sorinex.com/Articles.asp?ID=253
Sport of Iriston.  "INTERVIEW WITH ASLANBEK YENALDIEV." http://chidlovski.net/liftup/a_aslanbek_yenaldiev.asp 
Malkin, Yevgeny.  "Maestro of the Iron Game." http://chidlovski.net/liftup/a_interview_plukfelder_122302.asp

What The Fuck Are Those Things Around Your Ears? How I Got My Traps, Part 2.

Though I've covered this topic once before, there are a few things I've read recently that have gotten my fucking dander up about this subject, so I thought I'd revisit this subject.


Opinions are like assholes- everyone's got one.  Unfortunately, on the internet, everyone's opinions are the equivalent of a gay crackhead's asshole mixed with that of the internet phenomenon Goatse- thus, they've got enormous, distended, pile-encrusted, hemorrhoid-laden opinions dripping with rancid shit and undigested food, and they haven't had a wash since the dawn of time.  This problem is further exacerbated by the fact that people in the sports science and nutrition fields pander to the lowest common denominator, leaving anyone with a scintilla of enthusiasm, strength, or intelligence bereft of a life raft in a literal sea of bullshit.

Luckily, I know a guy with a longship.

Nowhere, my friends, is this problem more apparent than when it comes to a discussion of what makes decent traps.  You will find eight gazillion fucking trap workouts on the internet, each more palsied, decrepit, ball-less, and generally fucking pathetic than the last.  I have, however, seen the pinnacle of this tremendous shitheap of extravagant douchebaggery and weakness, and it's penned by none other than Nate "I read The Game, did a few pushups, and sucked TC Luoma's cock and somehow ended up an author" Green- "From Dud To Stud In 30 Days".  In it, myriad contributors (including the formerly reputable Dave Tate- how he got roped into this nonsense I will never understand) contend that the best way to make a marked change to one's physique is to get lean and build up your shoulders, arms, and traps.  As I blogged about this some time ago, I would tend to agree.  That, however, is where our paths diverge.


The lauded contributors to this intellectually dishonest and testosterone deficient nightmare proffered the following for shoulders in traps, in addition to a laughable series of circuit workouts that included reverse lunges and bodyweight squats but lacked an actual lower body work:

Why would you take this man's advice on trap development?  It's be like taking lessons on dunking from Verne Troyer.

Tuesday
Barbell Shrugs — 6 x 6
Rack Pulls — 8 x 8
Dumbbell Shrugs — 10 x 10 with a two-second contraction held at the top
Low-Trap Raises — 3 x 15
Face Pulls — 3 x 15


Friday
Barbell Shrugs — 2x20 (Note: If you're feeling adventurous, try overhead shrugs)
Upright Row — 3x15
Low Trap Raises — 2x15


Saturday
Barbell Push Press - 6 x 6
Dumbbell Military Press — 8 x 8
Javelin Press — 10 x 10
Cable Lateral Raises — 3 x 15
External Rotations — 3 x 15

T-Muscle readers on the way to the gym

If there was any question in your minds that we had entered an age of "polio chic", it's time to set it aside, as the answer has come back in the affirmative.  I'll confess, off the bat, that I've no idea what the fuck a Javelin Press is, nor do I know what a Low-Trap Raise is, and I've read Paul Kelso's book of ridiculous trap exercises many times.  I pulled perhaps three good exercises out of that book, but managed to enjoy it overall because the topic rules.  In case you're curious, a Javelin Press is a stupid name for a unilateral barbell overhead press (apparently only done with an unloaded barbell or a preloaded barbell), and a lower trap raise involves a set of ultra-light dumbbells and apparently doing an ultra-slow lateral raise while laying facedown.  While I'd never do the latter, the great irony here is that I love occasionally doing a one arm barbell push press with 135, but I might have to swear them off now that they've been tainted by Nate Green and his stupid moniker for them.


That the workout above is an unmitigated disaster goes without saying, I think.  I'm not really certain why they've even posted the thing, as it's not April 1, and I have a hard time believing their silly bullshit isn't a joke. Every jackass I've seen in the gym doing high-rep shrugs with 315 has the type of traps you'd expect from that silly bullshit- none at fucking all.  They always have really cool Under Armor shirts, though, and their form is impeccable.  


What should you be doing for traps?  I'm glad you asked.  This shit:

• Ultra heavy shrugs.  Lots of people will decry my form.  If any of them was anything but bereft of trap development, had a decent deadlift, or was in any way qualified to talk shit, I would encourage them to do so.    I've never seen a form Nazi on shrugs with any trap development, and I've never seen anyone who does light, slow, controlled shrugs with any trap development of any kind.  There's a reason for that- traps are fucking brutal, and since form follows function, you've got to lift brutal to look brutal.  To the grammar Nazis, I know that was incorrect, but it sounded better than "brutally".  The adverb's all but dead anyway.
• Rack pulls / the hand and thigh lift.  The hand and thigh lift is an ultra-old school lift wherein you jam your thighs under the bar and use them to push the bar up as you stand upright.  If you think that my 1 second battles with 1000+ lbs are unimpressive, I suggest you try them and get back to me.  They hurt, and they work.  Same goes for rack pulls, though I'll more often than not turn those into hand and thigh lifts, unconsciously, because I can move a hell of a lot more weight that way.  And fuck- Paul Anderson did that exercise all the fucking time, so why wouldn't you?
• Deadlifts.  They work.  If you cannot figure out why, you should hit yourself over the fucking head with a tack hammer, because you're a retard.
• Bent over rows with a high body angle- The closer you are to vertical, the more your traps are involved.  
• One arm dumbbell rows- I find these hit my traps fairly hard, though this may be due to the fact that my traps overpower my upper body to the point where they involve themselves in everything I do.
• High Pulls- I do these like they're a retarded combination of deadlift and upright row, which I know is incorrect.  Done the way I do them, however, they beat the living shit out of your traps.  To those Olympic lifters out there who are sitting at their computers aghast at the horrors I've perpetrated on camera with my high pulls, I'd apologize if I cared all that much, but I don't.

You'll notice I left out a great deal of the ancillary bullshit with which most lifters preoccupy themselves.  Nowhere will you find Hise Breathing Shrugs, or Overhead Shrugs, or Face Pulls, or especially trap bar shrugs and dumbbell shrugs.  If there are two bigger wastes of time than the latter two, I've no clue what they are.  The most weight you could possibly get onto a trap bar is around 600 lbs, which would make it useful for a grip exercise... or a warmup.  Leave the trap bar to Bradley J Steiner and his merry band of skinny-fat fanboys.  Likewise for dumbbell shrugs.  In 15 years of lifting, I've been to two gyms with 200 lb dumbbells, and while those are great for cardio shrugging workouts, they're pointless for heavy shrugging.  Leave them to the compulsive benchers whining incessantly about their mysterious shoulder pains.  As to the first few, you could do them, but then you'd be wasting time that'd be far better off spent doing shrugs with all the fucking plates you can find.

Blurry and grainy, but you can see I lack a neck.

Take it from a guy whose collared shirts touch his fucking ears if the collar's starched- high reps do not huge traps make.  Huge fucking weights on big lifts done with a hell of a lot of hatred for your fellow man is the way to obnoxiously overdeveloped traps.