There Were No Convenience Stores In The Paleolithic

There were no convenience stores in the Paleolithic, and for some reason people have taken that to mean that there's nothing on which to snack if you're eating paleo.  I find that to be bizarre, but I lack a carbohydrate fetish and have always despised Cheetos and Doritos.  That aside, there are nearly as many choices when it comes to snacking on a paleolithic diet as there are ways to mock that fat fuck from Superbad, Jonah Hill (although his Call of Duty trailer redeemed him very slightly).

The magic of CGI- Jonah Hill now has a jawline and far less in the way of jowels.  His wattle also appears to have been eliminated, though it might just be hiding in that shadow.

Whether or not the snacks are convenient, however, is entirely another matter.  Most paleo foods require a considerable amount of prep time, especially when they're high in protein.  Obviously, fruit, veggies, nuts and seeds are simple to eat, but the macros are entirely wrong for the kind of dieting I want to do.  Trying to replace food with that nonsense would be like going to a comedy show that was supposed to headline Andrew Dice Clay and finding Wayne Brady there instead.  That shit just won't fly.

Frankly, I think eating some beef jerky is pretty much the pinnacle of snacking, and buy a tremendous amount of the stuff from the Amish at the Farmer's Market every time I go home.  The Amish are pretty much dowdy wizards when it comes to cured and dried meats, and it's fun to flirt with the Amish broads enough to get a full-body blush in return.  When I'm not at home, though, I am either left to make it myself, or to buy it from a store.  Living in Alabama, otherwise known as Satan's Taint, it's far too hot and humid to run my oven with the door open for 10 hours.  As such, I'm left with the option of buying jerky at the store, which means I get a lot of food coloring, nitrates, nitrites, and possibly a dusting of MSG thrown in the for good measure, as a final gesture of "fuck you" from the Lovecraftian fish people working in Jack Link's factories.  


That is, I was left with that option until recently, when I was emailed by a reader who had an alternative to the aforementioned bullshit.  No cooking, no nitrates, and the shit is actually for a good cause.  Before you guys go thinking I've sold out, I offered to help this guy out because his entire company is a charity for kids in Camden.  He offered to give me a kickback, but I declined the hell out of that because his charity's for kids in Camden, and I'm neither that money motivated nor that fucking evil to take money out of their hands.  If you've never been to Camden, NJ, it's pretty much what Detroit looks like in the movie Robocop.  People who live there are faced with the option of selling crack, buying crack, robbing someone else for their crack, or trading crack for a gun so you can rob someone for their crack.  I'd say it's the worst place on Earth, except that I'm pretty certain sub-Saharan Africa is holding down that title pretty nicely.  As such, it's the worst place you could go without knowing for a certainty you'd come back with AIDS at the very least.  In any event, to fund a Crossfit club for future crack dealers, Steve invented Paleokits, which serve the dual purpose of providing paleo dieters with ready-to-eat snack options and getting future death row inmates in shape for the chair.  Here's a list of the shit I've tried that he offers with an unbiased review of the Paleokit offerings I've tried:

• Grass-Fed Paleo Stix- These are probably my favorite of the paleo offerings, as they're basically healthy Slim Jims.  They could stand to be a bit spicier (couldn't everything?), but aside from that, they were awesome.  Additionally, they've got a good nutritional profile- 160 calories, 6g fat, 28g protein per package, which makes for a decent snack.  Frankly, two of these would make a better snack, but I highly doubt most paleo dieters share my feeling of not having eaten if I didn't get 50g of protein in a sitting.
• Grass-Fed Just Jerky-  Again, I was a bit disappointed with the lack of seasoning, but as paleo's not supposed to be salt-heavy, it's understandable.  Damn good jerky though, low fat, and bereft of carbs, the way jerky should be.
• Coconut Paleokit- To be frank, I assumed that the combination of beef jerky, coconut, and strawberries would go together like battery acid and donkeys, but it was quite honestly fucking amazing.  I love the holy hell out of coconut and strawberries, which I'm sure helped, but you'd be surprised at how good this was. As you'd imagine, it's a bit high in carbs for someone eating keto, but if you're not a ketogenic paleodieter, this paleokit is truly badass.
• Original Paleokit-  This one was not up my alley.  I thought the macros on it sucked (24g fat, 22g impact carbs, 35g protein) and I despise cranberries.  As such, this one was my least favorite.  I had two of them, however, so I handed the second off to a coworker, who ate mine and asked me how to get more- he loved the thing, and told me it was awesome to eat while playing Call of Duty.  Amusingly, I had to explain to him what paleolithic dieting was to him, and he responded with "Doritos have double XP."  Clearly, dieting's not at the forefront of his mind, but taste is, and he loved these.
• Paleo Crunch Cereal- Hey hippies!  Want paleo granola?  Here it is, and it tastes fucking amazing.  Not too sweet, good flavor, and better macros than could ever be expected out of granola.  Granted, I don't recall the last time I ate granola, but chicks in particular would probably love this to get over the hump on ditching carbs.  Surprisingly good.  Until I googled it, I had no idea that this stuff was cereal- I ate it dry and loved it.  It'd probably be amazing with Almond Milk, though.  Clearly, I didn't try the Cranberry, but another of my coworkers has been bugging me to get him more of it- he was a huge fan.
• Paleo Crunch Bars (Original and Seasonal)-  These things are amazing, and a badass addition to a post-workout meal if you're angling for extra carbs.  If I ate carbs on the regular, I'd be putting kids in Camden through college with my purchases of these.

Paleo = good.

Thus endeth my good deed for the decade.  Buy this stuff, help out some kids whose lives truly suck, and get lean.  It's win-win.  Well, if you think helping people or eating paleo is winning.  I think I'm getting soft in my old age.  Buy the shit here: http://www.stevesoriginal.com/store and use the coupon code chaosandpain to get 10% off until November 22nd.  

If you give a shit about charities (I usually only donate to no-kill dog shelters and libraries, but made an exception to my rule of "Fuck Everyone" to help out these guys), check out Steve's wacky plan to make the ghetto suck less with Crossfit here.  Does it make sense?  No, but you can't fault the guy for trying to do something cool for a bunch of people most of the world avoids at all costs.

Maybe he's trying to save the ghetto with booty?  I fully support that plan.