The Rule of Five, Part 1

If you haven't had at least limited exposure to the much ballyhooed 5x5 programming methodology, you likely cannot read, which means you simply check out this blog for the pics.  For those of you who do so, allow me to oblige:

Natasha Talonz.  Hotter than a scotch bonnet pepper enema, and awesomely naked in Black Devil Doll.

Moving right along to 5x5, it was allegedly popularized by Reg Park, a British badass who is purported to have utilized what I consider to be a paean ode to mediocrity into one of the most brutal physiques ever.  Park's program was pretty fucking simple to follow... mostly because it's the barest essence of simplicity, but also because he broke it down into three phases.  They look like this:

Phase One
45-degree back extension 3x10
Back squat 5x5
Bench press 5x5
Deadlift 5x5
(Rest 3-5 minutes between the last 3 sets of each exercise)

Train three days per week for three months.

Phase Two for Bodybuilders*

45-degree back extension 3-4x10
Front squat 5x5
Back squat 5x5
Bench press 5x5
Standing barbell shoulder press 5x5
High pull 5x5
Deadlift 5x5
Standing barbell calf raise 5x25
(Rest 2 minutes between sets)

Train three days per week for three months.

* After the basic Phase One, Park had a different set of recommended exercises for aspiring Olympic weightlifters. It used a few different sets and reps, and included lunges and power cleans.

Phase Three for Bodybuilders

45-degree back extension 4x10
Front squat 5x5
Back squat 5x5
Standing barbell shoulder press 5x5
Bench press 5x5
Bent-over barbell row 5x5
Deadlift 5x3
Behind-the-neck press or one-arm dumbbell press 5x5
Barbell curl 5x5
Lying triceps extension 5x8
Standing barbell calf raise 5x25
(Rest 2 minutes between sets)

Train three days per week for three months.

According to this source, 5x5 includes two progressively heavier warm-up sets and three sets at the same weight.(Source)

Clearly, once you get into the more advanced stages, this program appears to resemble something a person would use if they wanted to do more than fuck about in the gym for a half hour a couple of times a week.  Reg Park ended up getting pretty fucking strong using this style of lifting, and definitely had a physique that was the ultimate definition of herculean... which is probably why he was cast as Hercules in a bunch of godawful Italian sword and sandal epics back in the day.  Nowadays, however, you're more likely to see a bunch of pantywaist bullshit with 5x5, which pretty much ranges from low volume to housecleaning volume, and churn out some astonishingly average lifters and physiques.  I'm talking about the innumerable permutations of this shit ranging from Stronglifts to Madcows that essentially amount to 3 exercises for 25 reps with the same weight, 3 times a week.  They all have their individual variations in loading protocols (heavy, medium, light, for instance, as if you'd need a light day if you're only training 3 times a week) and their special little spin on it, but it amounts to not a whole hell of a lot of lifting the vast majority of the time.  Additionally, those programs are by and large incredibly boring, as it's the same couple of exercises with the same fucking weights repeated over and over until you finally quit the gym out of boredom, and the fact that it's barely even part of your daily routine.

Precious Cox likely has a different style of 5x5... one that'd be a hell of a lot more fun than Madcows.

"Oh, but holy shit!  So and so weak assed douche online said that Madcows was the best thing ever and then he tried to blow Wendler for creating 5/3/1 but threw out his neck doing so and said it was from overtraining because Rippetoe told him so while he was lubing up his asshole for a nice hard pounding!"  Guess what?  I don't give a fuck.  Every fucking time I read a defense of one of these 5x5 programs, it begins and ends with a pack of bullshit about steroids and "natty" lifters and about how "natty" guys are flaming pussies who can't handle more than 30 seconds in the gym ever 24 hours or they'll spontaneously combust into sterile sperm and tiny limp penises, and that anyone who isn't transmogrified into mini phalluses is on every kind of performance enhancing drug ever invented, and some that never have.  This, of course, is nothing but an excuse to cover up their own failings, of which there are almost certainly legion.  As such, you should disregard them as the pseudo-scientific nonsense that they are and carry on living your life.  

Want to know why I hate 5x5?  

Because every time I've tried it, and I've tried many different permutations, my bench goes down.  Not just down like when your zipper's partway down but no one can really tell unless you pop wood and it pushes the two sides apart and people can then see your neon-green banana hammock, replete with precum stains- I'm talking "I just followed what my Garmin told me to do and drove off the highest point of the Grand Canyon to my fiery but Darwin ordained death" down.  Nevertheless, with all of the hype for those programs among the young whippersnappers these days, I decided to give that shit another try.  After a month, and seeing my bench, I figured I'd hang in and maybe see a rebound.  Want to know what I found?  My bench dropped 20 lbs in two months.  Yay for fucking me, right?  So, I wondered, I know everyone's a little different, but this shit is ridiculous.  How could my bench invariably drop on this program and Reg Park damn near grew a fucking cape and flew with it- I mean, how did he  hit a 500 lb bench with this bullshit?

BECAUSE HE DIDN'T FUCKING DO IT.

In Park's words: " I didn't have a favorite workout routine.  I have done every routine and every exercise in the book, but like most advanced trainers, I have found what exercises and what routines give me the best results.  What is good for one man isn't necessarily good for somebody else.  My bodyweight fluctuated between 230 and 245 during those years." (Kiiha)

His personal bests, as a bodybuilder and occasional Olympic weightlifter, were:

- Behind the Neck Press - 300 Lbs. For one rep.

- Behind the Neck Press - 260 Lbs. For four reps.

- Behind the Neck Press - 240 Lbs. For eight reps.

- One Arm Dumbbell Press - 165 Lbs. For two reps.

- Front Squat - 405 for a single.

- Lying Triceps Extension - 300 Lbs. For three reps.  This was done at Muscle Beach in 1957.

- Standing Dumbbell Press - Two 120 Lb. Dumbbells for five reps.

- Standing Dumbbell Press - Two 140 Lb. Dumbbells for one rep.

- Dumbbell Bench Press - Two 185 Lb. Dumbbells for five reps.

- Squat - 605 for two reps at Buster McShane and Ivan Dunbar's Gym in Belfast.

- Strict Barbell Curl - 200 Lbs. For one rep.

- Incline Dumbbell Press - Two 185 Lb. Dumbbells for five reps.

Reg Park's Favorite Program

Deltoids and Upper Back

- Press Behind Neck 4-10 Sets, 5 Reps.

- Heavy Bent arm Lateral Raises 5-10 Sets, 10 Reps

Chest

- Bench Press 5-10 Sets, 2 Reps (That's Right 2 Reps!)

Thighs

- Squat 5 Sets, 5 Reps (of all exercises, this one was my favorite.)

- Hack Lift 5 Sets, 5 Reps

Biceps

- Barbell Curl 5 Sets, 5-8 Reps

- Incline Dumbbell Curls 5 Sets, 5-8 Reps

Triceps

- French Press - I did these standing and lying on the bench.

Calves

- Calf Machine 25 Reps, Many Sets.

- Donkey Calf Raises 25 Reps, Many Sets

Back

- High Pullups 5-8 Sets, 3 Reps.

- Power Clean 5-8 Sets, 3 Reps.

- Chins Behind Neck 5-8 Sets, 5-8 Reps (weights tied to waist.)

Waist and Trunk Area

- Leg Raises and Side Bends 100 or more Reps.

(Kiiha)

Coming soon to this muthafuckin' blog, you'll discover something useful I learned from my adventure in 5x5... and it has nothing whatsoever to do with doing 5 sets of 5 reps in a beige gym with beige people listening to bland music and then eating tasteless fucking food.

 

Appropos of nothing- see this fucking movie, stat.  At the very least, it's better than doing 5x5 for bench.

Source:

Kiiha, Osmo. Reg Park - A Hercules for Our Time.  http://beyondstrong.typepad.com/my_weblog/2007/11/rip-reg-park.html