The Chaos and Pain Commandments

Given that I'm violently opposed to joining any social networking sites, I don't get the same thrill some people do in googling myself.  I've never posted an update on Facebox about what color my latest shit was, how long it took me to do my laundry, or any of the other inane bullshit people seem to think others might care about.  I do, however, find it amusing that people will often claim that I've espoused training principles that I haven't or that I've made stark, sweeping suggestions that are found nowhere in this blog.

Dear Facebox- I just shit a squirrel.  Literally.  And the hell of it is, I don't know what to name it.

As I've apparently been about as clear as pig shit, so I'll take this time to rectify that and set down my commandments.  You should bear in mind when you read them that I'm not recommending that anyone necessarily follow them, but rather that my research and personal experience have shown to be true.  Debate them all you fucking want... in the end I'll produce voluminous evidence proving I'm right and you're wrong, and then I'll destroy something to celebrate my victory.

1. Lift heavy, motherfucker.  Obviously, heavy is a relative term.  As such, "heavy" means with weights greater than 85% of your one rep max, and you should do this for more than 75% of your workouts.  
2. Variation is the spice of life, and anyone who doesn't like spicy sucks.  As such, try new exercises, do different shit, and keep it interesting.  The chaotic part of my training style makes shit fun, and if you attack the fucking weights and go heavy the vast majority of the time, your body cannot help but get stronger.
3. Stop worrying about your form, already.  Brute strength will get you pretty fucking far.  The more weight you lift, the more strength you'll gain, and the bigger you'll get.  Frankly, lifting with biomechanically disadvantageous form will likely force you to stimulate more muscle fibers due to the fact that it's not the most efficacious manner in which to lift.  You can perfect your form later- the majority of you should just shoot for good.    
4. You can lift more often, and heavier than you think, fuckface.  Stop listening to conventional wisdom, because it's conventional and hardly wisdom.  Conventional thought and action will bring naught but average results. None of the greats in anything thought conventionally, and neither should you.  Be better than everyone else- fuck populist sentiment and fuck anyone who says you can't do something.  Spite's an awesome motivator.
5. For fuck's sake, train in a way you enjoy.  If you hate training, you're not going to do it.  As such, if you don't feel like training 12 times a week with near-maximal weights, don't.  No one gives a fuck what you do anyway, no matter what ten people on the internet might say.  Just don't feed people a line of bullshit about how it's unrealistic or you'd die or that's for juicers or any of the other excuses people use to justify not doing things.  Just shut up, structure your workouts how you like, and break your ass at them.
6. Your genetics are not your greatest limitation- your mind is.  Somatotyping is bullshit, and there's not a one of you who can honestly say has been bred from a long line of scrawny pussies incapable of gaining physical strength.  Humanity's not fallen that far, and I'd posit that the vast majority of physical and mental degeneration and devolution has occurred within the last two centuries.  As such, you only really have those to overcome.  What you do have to overcome is two centuries of liberal claptrap about equality and retarded gender wars that claim that men and women are alternately weak and useless as fuck. Ignore that shit and aim high.
7. Get off at least three times a day.  I saw some idiot mention this on some message board or another as completely impossible without the use of exogenous testosterone, which made me laugh in horror.  If you can't manage to get off three times a day, check your fucking pulse, because you might be dead.  There are innumerable health benefits to hypersexuality, and you should grab that bull by the horns and fuck its mouth.
8. For the love of all that's unholy, eat as much protein as you can.  Fuck Joe Weider and his high carb nonsense- if you eat like a caveman, you'll look like one.  Feel free to post all of the links you want about how Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals apparently ate grains- they ate MINUTE amounts of grains at best, and they sure as shit weren't eating the nonsense most people are stuffing down their throats.  Make half of your calories protein, and then keep your carbs and fats inversely proportional and you'll stay lean.
9. Fight the fucking power and embody the Hellenic concept of kalokagathia.  No one wants to be around a mouth-breathing retard who looks good on the beach.  Well, no one who doesn't live in Jersey or Cali.  The Greeks believed that one should strive for a mind-body ideal where you'd develop both to achieve excellence.  Though they might have abandoned that shit entirely and embarked upon societal self-destruction the likes of which the world will probably never see again, it's time to resurrect that shit- they fought hard, lifted hard, fucked hard, and read hard.  That's what life's all about.  Nowadays, society doesn't want you doing any of that, because they don't want you to be pants-shittingly awesome.  Fuck all that- get awesome.

There you have it.  The workout templates I've posted are mere suggestions.  They're not gospel, they're not what I do on a daily basis, and they're not necessarily what I recommend.  Anyone I've given recommendations to can attest to the fact that I base program design (insofar as I do it) on one's goals, one's exercise favorites, and one's time constraints.  Even the dumbest motherfucker on Earth can list those three things and figure out a plan that will work for them, especially if they're spending all of their free time reading and eating meat.  

This isn't rocket surgery, people.