If You Absolutely Fucking MUST... (edited 8/1/10)

Frankly, I think this topic has been done to fucking death (queue the assholes with the "hackneyed" button fetish), a couple of you have asked me a question along the lines of "if you have to eat like an asshole, what should you eat?" This is obviously a difficult question to answer, as my diet is a constantly evolving process, rather than a static macronutritent ratio. So many factors go into food and macro choices that it's difficult to identify a single food that will perfectly suit your needs if you're stuck and you have limited options. Thus, I'll give you a couple of ideas.

If you're WAY the fuck away from any kind of food that might be construed as useful, eat some kind of meat. That's the key to the whole deal. For instance:

If you're at a gas station, skip the Balance bars. Here's why- a Balance bar consists of a bit soy protein, a shitload of sugar, and a bunch of fat.  It's a fucking shit Zone macro thing, only done in the most half-assed way humanly possible.  Instead, go for the beef jerky with the least sugar. That way, you'll get a massive dose of protein with only a bit of carbs and fat.  It's the original protein bar-esque snack.  Failing that, you can go with a protein bar they have there, but before you buy a balance bar, check to see what the nutrition on their microwavable burgers are. I'll bet that the burger will be better for you, most times.

At a fast food place, you're generally best off with a couple of grilled chicken sandwiches or one and some chili.  You'll keep your carbs moderate, your protein high, and your fat low, which is essentially the easiest healthy way to eat when your food isn't pre-prepared.

Hoagies will get it done, as well, provided you pass on the mayo, stupid non-meats like pepperoni/salami, and the dressing.  I generally get roast beef, turkey, or a club with roast beef, turkey, and ham, and then double the meat on that bitch.  Additionally, Quizno's Sammies with grilled chicken are pretty badass, but you've got to eat at least three of them to get a useful amount of protein.

Nuts are a good compliment to the jerky if you're keeping the carbs low. If you want to up the carbs, eat a bag of Baked Lays.

Basically, just don't be fucking retarded. I get a shitload of questions about diet, and the shit is not brain surgery. If your carbs are high, your fat is low. If your fat is high, carbs are low. Protein is ALWAYS FUCKING HIGH. THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH PROTEIN. You could be eating unnecessary amounts, but no one's ever fucking gotten fat from protein, because the thermic effect of protein is too high, and no one has ever died from eating too much. Therefore, find the shit that fits your profile the best and eat it.

Not sure how the fuck this happened, but I guarantee it wasn't from eating too much steak.

Shit you shouldn't eat?
Mayo. If you eat mayo, you're a fat fuck, you hate your arteries, you're generally disgusting, and your friends probably hate you. It's vile, useless shit, and you should avoid it.

Hot dogs. I mean, seriously. Why would you eat a fucking hot dog? There's barely any protein, it's filled with nitrates, and it's the random organic detritus of the butchering process. It's like processed chum, with bugs mixed in for good measure.

Any packaged baked good containing sugar. You want diabetes? Fine. Stop reading my fucking blog. You're an asshole for stuffing that fucking Ring Ding in your mouth. You might as well stuff it up your fat fucking ass, because it's shit.

Fish Filets. If you don't know why, you're a dick.

Fried chicken sandwiches. Again, if you have to ask why, you're a moron.

And that's that. Simplicity. To be addressed later this week: Shit I like to eat on and off diet, and an update on my squat training, and my evolving theory thereof. I just hit a 535 PR on the front squat to depth with no belt, so the shit is working.