08 August 2009

Ask the Asshole #1

Yes, I drew that. I rule in every possible way.

I've been getting the occasional email asking me a variety of questions, most of which are pretty useful in terms of elucidating what appears to most to be a tremendously esoteric training philosophy. As I personally think that I'm a fucking bull in a China shop, and am generally amazed that my training style is quixotic to some, I'm posting their questions and my responses so that you may learn from their inquisitiveness.
Q: Regarding your testosterone article: If busting a nut increases test prodcution (Editor: spell check, fuckers! HAHA) then why is it a bad idea to rub one out before you go to the gym? Like, if my chick wants to fuck and it's squat day, I stay away from her until after the gym. I know from experience that if I shoot one off before the gym, I'm good for nothing.

A: the answer to this is simple- you've trained yourself to be a fucking pussy and fall asleep after blowing a load. this is what most guys do, much to the lament of their sexual partners. Thus, here's your chance- start training yourself to wake up after nutting. yes, I know that most of you think it's impossible. It's not. Start rubbing one out midafternoon, when you have to go do something thereafter (like work), and then go do it. You'll be surprised how energetic you'll feel. Furthermore, you'll soon be able to go straight from a marathon of Max hardcore-style vaginal destruction to some full on Bennie Podda gym destruction, with no change in your general level of aggressiveness. Studies have shown that the more frequent your ejaculations, the higher your testosterone levels. Thus, you fellas need to start getting after it. (1)(2)

Q: I did cable crossovers today...supersets, 3 sets of 25 reps. Don't shoot me.

A: While not really a question, it's an upsetting statement. If you ABSOLUTELY HAVE to do crossovers, do them with resistance bands. The're far more efficacious, and you look like an athlete doing them. Well, somewhat. You can only take so much douche out of crossovers.

Q: You seem like a "live in the moment" person, so the whole "eat truckloads of meat" philosophy, which I admire, sounds awesome, but any research on the damage that a heavy meat diet does to the colon? Isn't the urban legend that John Wayne had the equivalent of a few cinder blocks of impacted feces in him when he died because he lived on red meat? I love fucking meat, but I try to maintain overall health, as well.

A: That is total bullshit. Don't pardon my pun. The myth of Elvis and Wayne's fecal-impacted colons are perpetuated by the same douchebag lying vegans who believe that Bill "I drink two gallns of milk a day before I fuck your mother" Pearl is a vegan. those fuckers know about as much about history, bodybuilding, and nutrition science as Corky from Life Goes On knows about Quantum Mechanics. That is, they MIGHT be able to spell one of the necessary words, if push came to shove. Don't belive me? Believe Snopes. Humans are omnivores. We're desinged to eat meat. Considerable amounts of it. What aren't we designed to eat? Well, just about anything a vegan tell you to eat. So if you see one, rape them with a frozen Boca burger and drive their Prius off a cliff.

Q: If you have a second, I was wondering (as I see you using one), "why the fat bar?"

Looks like you do a lot of arm stuff with it, I have a full length thick bar, other than the length, it's the same thing, so what is the advantage of the fat bar??

A: You ask a good question, although I'm moreinclined to think, "why NOT a fat bar?" Hahaha. I like the fat bar for a variety of reasons.
1) It's frequently used in event choices for strongman competitions, and as I like to enter strength competitions with little or no forethought or specific prep, it's good to be comfortable with them.
2) They're extremely challenging on quick lifts, and force you to change your form a bit for things like cleans, which makes the exercise a bit more fun, especially when it's your 8th session of the week. ;)
3) I love them for arm work, since my forearms have always been a weak point in my physique, and it's quick and dirty way to bring them, and my grip up without a ton of direct forearm work.
4) They increase hand strength a great deal without putting a ton of wear and tear on your traps and biceps with heavy forearm work.
5) Last, and most importantly, they make you look like a fucking badass, because most people are too chicken shit to try them, hahaha.
Vain, I know, but it's fun to be seen as a beast in the gym.

If you've got the cash laying around, I think elite FTS makes fat bars, but I know there are cheap sleeves you can buy for bars as well. I'm not entirely sure who makes them, but they're cheaper than the bars, from what I hear. As Elite is located in Springfield Mass (as I recall), shipping shouldn't kill you on the deal, so it might just be easiest to go through them.

Q: Anyways, as usual, questions. My dumbass has shot back up in bodyweight to about 220. Pretty upset about it, and its been pretty hard to stick to any type of routine since Ive been laid off. Lots of free time tends to fuck with my head on what Im supposed to be doing. My strength is fine, although my stamina has gone down and my bodyfat has gone back up. My real key question to you is, what type of cardio/GPP can I do on my off days, that I wont be so fucking drained on my lift days? I apologize in advance, as I have probably asked you this fucking question before, twice, but I've really fallen off the ladder here and I am struggling a bit. I guess its mental.

A: For GPP, I recommend light Oly lifts, stones, or anything else that you enjoy doing, but keep it light. That's the key. In and out in 30 mins or less. I'm down to taking about one day
a week, or every week and a half, off from lifting, and all of my lifts are still going up.

Q: So basically I'm wondering what your experience was performance wise when you do your Keto runs. I've done keto dieting before, but only when I've been training for bodybuilding shows. I used to experience quite a downturn in the gym after a few days. I would do a refeed day, but it was very controlled to the gram.

Now I have become almost, i say almost, exclusively focused on performance I could give keto a run again but with more leadway on the refeed days, possibly making more out of the diet. I'll be looking for performance gains first with body compositon a close second or sometimes taking a slight lead in my training.

A: I typically do short keto runs of 2-5 days weekly, as my body seems to thrive on them, and it keeps me really lean. During those runs, I lose no performance of any kind, in spite of keeping my total carbs (including postworkout) below 30g a day (<5% onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="http://www.coverbrowser.com/image/bestsellers-2006/2724-1.jpg">

So fuckers, remember, there's no such thing as stupid questions, just stupid people. Email me, fuckers, and earn your place in (relative) immortality!

  1. Dabbs, Jr. and Mohammed. "Male and female salivary testosterone concentrations before and after sexual activity."Department of Psychology, Georgia State University, Received 6 January 1992. Available online 5 March 2003."Salivary testosterone concentrations were measured in male and female members of four heterosexual couples on a total of 11 evenings before and after sexual intercourse and 11 evening on which there was no intercourse. Testosterone increased across the evening when there was intercourse and decreased when there was none. The pattern was the same for males and females. Early evening measured did not differ on the two kinds of days, suggesting that sexual activity affects testosterone more than initial testosterone affects sexual activity."

  2. Kraemer, Becker, et al. "Orgasmic frequency and plasma testosterone levels in normal human males." Archives Sex Beh. Volume 5, Number 2, March 1976. "Twenty males participated in a 2-month study examining the relationship between 8 a.m. plasma testosterone levels and orgasmic frequency. Within subjects, higher levels of testosterone are associated with periods of sexual activity."

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