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30 August 2013

Baddest Motherfuckers Ever- Dana Linn Bailey



Anyone who's read Issuance of Insanity 2 has likely read this, but I'm slammed getting the company together and finishing my diet book, so I figured I might as well use this as an excuse to post pics of one of the hottest women ever to walk the Earth- Dana Linn Bailey.  Every chick in powerlifting under 130 lbs should thank every god in every heaven that Dana Linn Bailey sticks to physique competitions, because this broad is beyond brutal under the weights. If you doubt me, consider this- she benches 90 lb dumbbells for reps, knows the words to Blood for Blood's song "Maldito" (which is fucking awesome if you've not heard it), has the most insane set of abs on Earth, benches half her bodyweight for 128 reps, 220 for a triple at 128, front squats 135 for 7, back squats 135 for multiple sets of 20, and is so hot that if you looked right at her you'd go blind and insane. Making matters worse is the fact that she and her punk rock star / DJ / artist / jacked motherfucker husband both seem cool as shit, so we're all pretty well fucked if anyone ever draws a direct comparison. That aside, she trains with her husband and more like a guy than what you'd typically see in a female lifter, and busts her ass in the gym.


For those naysayers who feel like that's not enough of a baddest motherfuckers resume, consider the following:

  • she only started lifting 7 years ago, and is hitting numbers that half of the guys on Reddit can't at considerably less bodyweight.
  • she won her first figure competition with less than a year of training under her belt.
  • she's the first IFBB pro physique competitor ever.
  • she's so goddamned hot she's been credited with killing more penguins with global warming than Styrofoam and Freon combined.
  • she and her husband hold a Guinness Book Of World Records record for most duck and snarly faces by a couple, ever.
  • she once trained with Tim Lambesis and escaped without a death warrant.
  • all she does is work, hustle, and kill. 

... and you thought I was kidding about the duck and snarly faces.

Her workouts are long as all hell, apparently so she doesn't have to do cardio to stay ridiculously lean. All upper body exercises are done for 4 sets of 6-15 reps and all lower body are done for 4 sets of 10-15 or 15-20 reps, as her legs are already pretty big and awesome from playing soccer through college (she played for West Chester University).

Monday
Incline Bench
Dumbbell Flat Bench
Pec Deck supersetted with Pushups
Incline Cable Flies
Decline Cable Flies

Tuesday
Wide Grip Pullups
T-Bar Row
Behind The Neck Lat Pulldowns
Seated Row
Pullups or Pulldowns
High Row supersetted with Straight Arm Pulldowns


Wednesday
Squats
Hack Squats (close stance)
Leg Extensions
Step Ups
Calf Raises

Thursday
Off

Friday
Seated Dumbbell Overhead Press
Lateral Raises supersetted with Reverse Dumbbell Flies
Front Raises supersetted with Overhead Press
Cable Lateral Raises
Rear Delt Spreader (on seated cable row)

Saturday
Sumo Squats supersetted with Adductor Machine
Lying Leg Curls
Dumbbell Stiff Leg Deads supersetted with Standing Leg Curls
Calf Raise

Sunday
Weighted Dips
Close Grip Bench Press
Straight Bar Curls
Reverse Cable Extensions
Cable Curls

As to how she stays lean, it's pretty much a combination of brutal training and more genetic gifts than half of the X-Men combined.  As I mentioned, DLB despises doing cardio and figures it's a complete waste of time that would be better spent lifting, and on top of that barely even seems to diet:
"I am not a very strict dieter. I do not count carbs, I do not weigh anything, I do not record anything…I just eat! I try to eat somewhat-clean for the most part. My sources of protein come mostly from egg whites, turkey, fish, steak, and some chicken. Most of my carbohydrates generally come from oatmeal, rice and sweet potatoes. But I do not like bland boring meals, I like eating like a normal person. I just make healthier choices for the ingredients. Example, if I’m hungry for spaghetti, I make nice wheat pasta and load it with tons of lean ground turkey instead of beef. Simple things like that keep me happy" (Cut and Jacked)
For those of you out there not planning on auditioning for the Averngers sequel with the selling point of having enough superpowers to get by without CGI, I can tell you from experience that this sort of a regime does not work for everyone.  That sort of a diet kept my abs in hiding like their name was Timur Bekmambetov for the majority of my training life, but the shit is definitely working for DLB.  If nothing else, you might want to take away from DLB's routine that if you break your ass in the gym for 9 hours a week, you can one day be as strong as a 128 lb chick. If you're a chick and a powerlifter, pray this broad never jumps the line into our sport, or even the unstoppable juggernaut Jennifer Thompson is in serious fucking trouble.


Sources:
Cut and Jacked Interview: Dana Linn Bailey. Cut And Jacked. 17 Feb 2011. http://www.cutandjacked.com/Interview/with-Dana-Linn-Bailey
Dana Linn Bailey Routine. Cut and Jacked.  PDF. http://www.cutandjacked.com/Interview/with-Dana-Linn-Bailey

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21 August 2013

Stew-Roids For The Win

Before I kick this one off, I'm going to post what I thought was a remarkably succinct observation on the popularity of this series, which I admit still has me rather flummoxed.

"I can't explain why your stew articles have been well received by everyone, but I can explain why I thought they were awesome. I liked the stew articles because they were a rallying cry for a return to simplicity. Many things, I think, have been overcomplicated in recent years, lifting and eating foremost among them. For several decades now we have endured a barrage of conflicting information: low carb/high protein, high carb/moderate protein, high fat/high protein, "see food," paleo, keto, blah blah blah. I found some of this interesting, but at the end of the day, I can't be bothered to actually follow it. For one, I'm not a strength or muscular development level yet that would make any of those things make sense (and some of them don't make sense to begin with). For another, did any of the strongmen of the past follow diets this restrictive? I would imagine that most of them didn't. The most common point among all of them, aside from the regular consumption of stew and beer, is the heavy consumption of meat. It seems to me that we would do better to look to the past (or in this case, to more sensible countries) when it comes to figuring out how best to eat if you want to get as big and strong as possible. And besides, while I am certainly aware that too much of them isn't good for me and while I know others will think differently, personally I am rather fond of some starch and vegetables in my diet.



Also, the use of stews as you have described them is appealing on a mental level, and you have talked about the importance of the mental side of lifting many times. These kind of traditional stews connect us to the past. When we devour a bowl of chankonabe we can imagine in ourselves a kinship with the massive sumo; when eating kjotsupa for or medieval spiced beef stew, we can imagine ourselves as the kin of burly, stone-lifting, sword-swinging barbarian warriors; when eating borscht we can imagine a connection to gigantic Russian and Ukrainian badasses who are as strong as the ox that went into that borscht; when eating monastery gyuvetch we can recall Bulgaria's impressive accomplishments in weightlifting; when we eat Hungarian goulash, we can recall the history of Hungarian badassery, starting from Attila through the Magyars down all the way to their success at wrestling and weightlifting that seems out of proportion to their population and their national wealth; when we feast on a bowl of khoresht, we can do so thinking that the legendary Rostam e Dastan ate the same thing before striding forth to do something epic. By recalling the past, whether it is our own or someone else's, we can better imagine what kind of future we will build. A man with no past does not know who he is. If he does not know who he is, how can he be expected to act intelligently? Western lifters are like that. We don't know who we are anymore. Our ties with our past is frayed. We do not have a very strong national lifting culture. There are localized instances of strength culture, but even these are not thriving as well as we might wish. We must build up a culture that celebrates strength, for its own sake and for use, while at the same time recalling to mind the strength cultures of the past; indeed, we cannot build new ones without remembering the old ones."

Thoughtful, indeed.

Whether or not it's correct, it's certainly one of the more well-written and thoughtful emails I've ever received.  Had I known initially how popular this series would be, I'd have been writing about stews since I started this blog.  Apparently, people could not love a human baby as much as they love stew, even in the middle of the summer.  I live in Satan's Taint, South Carolina, for instance, and eat stew daily in spite of the fact that it's so hot that my dog appears to just be looking for a place to lay down and die when we go for walks and the air is so thick with humidity you can ball it up and eat the shit.  When wintertime rolls around, I doubt there'll be anything better than stew to stave off catabolism in the cold, but even in the summer it's definitely worth eating at least once a day for the ridiculous nutritional content.  Additionally, I'm finding that stew's pretty fucking good cold, and have thus given up on reheating it while it's hot so as not to drop dead of heat exhaustion while eating.

Fact:  Viking women were occasionally impregnated by nothing more than a handshake, so virile were the men after eating Norse stews.

As we've seen thus far, pretty much ever corner of the Earth has a stew dish that's immensely popular, and as I mentioned in the last installment, the best thing of all about stew is that you can make it out of just about anything.  Thus, I've been experimenting a bit with some simple stews one can make without going to much, if any effort.  One such stew (which is delicious cold, I might add) is one I made in about five minutes, having only to brown the stew meat I added and then dump all of the ingredients.


Jamie's Jesus Fuck, I'm Lazy Stew
Serves: 3

1 lb browned stew meat
1/6 bag Beef Flavored 15 Bean Soup
1 can Progresso Beef Barley Soup
1 can Progresso Lentil and Andoulle Soup


  1. Soak beans overnight in water.  Drain the water after soaking (this gets rid of the lectins and other nasty shit in beans).
  2. Brown the meat in a pan with a bit of oil, seasoning liberally with mojo, chipotle, curry, and adobo.
  3. Dump meat and drippings into crock put with everything else.
  4. Simmer for a few hours


Nutrition per serving
Protein: 46g
Fat: 15.8
Carbs: 43.7g
Fiber:  11.98g

Chechans- proof that the only thing keeping the Russians relatively "docile" is vodka.  Allah apparently lacks the palliative effects necessary to keep nail bombs out of public places where Russians are concerned.  [Ed.  In retrospect, it might be dangerous to idly needle psychopaths, so "yay Allah" and "yay Chechnya".  Please don't mail me anthrax, nailbombs, or nailbombs coated with anthrax.]

Clearly, it gets no fucking easier than that, and given that it tastes badass cold, there's no reason not to just bring this shit everywhere you go.  I've more or less abandoned shakes of late out of boredom with them and love of eating real food, and the simplicity of stew's prep and ease of its transport makes my life immeasurably better.  One more day of 6 protein shakes and I was going to have to ram my fist down someone's throat and strangle their soul out of misplaced rage.  Well, not that misplaced- in the last 6 months I've discovered that there is a considerable portion of the population who cannot even address a fucking envelope, which makes me feel like we need a few more Chechens motivated enough to fling bombs at random passers by.  In any event, we'll take one more pass through the world's stews before I lay this series to rest like the super-flogged dead horse it is.  If there's anyone out there who remains unconvinced that stew's fucking magical, nothing on Earth will do so at this point.



Croatian Stew
For the unaware or uninitiated, one might think that the Croats have about as much to do with awesome as a dairy cow has to do with Hubble Telescope repair.  Though they've had some unseemly anger management issues in recent years, the Croats have been hard motherfuckers since time immemorial.  Beginning as the Alans, one of the Sarmatian tribes that drove the man-eating, scalp-taking Scythians out of existence and dominated all of southern Russia from China to the Ukraine.  In the early part of the 1st century AD, the Alans controlled the Sarmatian confederation and fucked every group of sword-waving lunatics the ancient world had to offer in the ear on a daily basis, wrecking the Parthians for fun and annoying the Romans as a matter of course.  Later, they moved into what's now known as Croatia and managed to impress everyone around them enough to get the massive empires between whom they were wedged to leave them alone just by baring their fucking teeth and flexing a bicep or two.


Having established the Croats come from a long line of hard people, you need only look to three modern Croats for proof of the power of their stew- Joseph Tito, tho only man to tell Stalin to go fuck himself and live, Mirko Crocop, the only professional fighter of whom I know to hold political office while knocking motherfuckers out with high kicks on the weekend, and the Great Antonio, one of the coolest and most insane strongmen of whom you've never heard but who you should definitely check out here.  Having hung out with a Croat mercenary in Vienna quite a bit (and having done a lot of Brazilian jiujitsu on the floors of bars with him), I can personally attest to their awesome, and of their love for "Jota", the stewroids source of Croatian physical prowess.

Croatian Jota
Serves 4

200g beans
500g sauerkraut
300g potatoes
500g dried ribs
200g dried bacon
few chopped home made pork sausages
3 heads of garlic
salt
Whole peppercorn
2 fresh bay leaves (which apparently prevents bean farts)



Directions:
  1. Cook the beans shortly, dry them, and let them cook again.
  2. Cook cabbage and ribs separately.
  3. When beans are half soft, add them (witht he water) to cabbage and ribs.
  4. Add Laurel leaves, pepper, salt, and chopped bacon,sausages, and garlic.
  5. Slice the potato to little cubes and cook it until it all softens.
  6. Take out the ribs and serve them on side with the stew.
This is a 4 person serving, but women apparently rarely eat meat and ribs and most often leave it for men to grab, which sucks for the broads but is awesome for the guys hanging out with them.  On second thought, given that this is what Croatian broads look like, they can keep passing us the meat:


Indian Stew
Anyone familiar with my stuff should already be acquainted with the badassery of the Indian athletes of yore.  Indian wrestlers were renown for being unbeatable in the last century, and their strongmen in the 19th and early 20th Centuries were some of the best in the world.  Though it's not frequently discussed, a quick watch of Anthony Bourdain's No Reservations Indian episodes or my blog on Indian diet shows that meat has been a mainstay of the Indian diet right up until the modern era (not surprisingly, this coincides exactly with the period when they started getting their shit pushed in by colonialists), and continues to be so for the biggest and the baddest motherfuckers in India.  Thus, I give you the most popular of India's meat stews (at least insofar as I understand it)- vindaloo.

Chicken Vindaloo
Servings: 4-6

Chicken Vindaloo Ingredients:

Vindaloo Paste
1 tsp ground cumin
1 tsp ground turmeric
1 or 2 tsp Garam Masala
1/4 tsp ground cinnamon (you can add more cinnamon, but if can be over-powering, so be careful!)
2 tsp mustard powder
1 tsp ground coriander
1 tsp cayenne pepper
2cm cube of peeled ginger
3 tbsp white wine vinegar
1 tsp sugar

Vindaloo Base
150ml vegetable oil
4-8 garlic cloves, crushed or blended
3 red onions, sliced finely or preferably blended

Other Ingredients
4+ red chillies, chopped finely. This is what gives the heat, so you can use less if you like and also de-seed before chopping if you want to make a milder vindaloo (but why?)
4 skinless chicken breasts cut into bite size pieces
500g good quality chopped tomatoes or chopped tinned tomatoes
1-2 tbsp of tomato puree to taste
1-4 tsp Hot Chili Powder to taste – This is optional and if you do want to make it hotter, I’d suggest adding a bit at a time
Salt and pepper to taste

Chicken Vindaloo Recipe – The Method:
  1. Grate or slice the ginger finely and add the cumin, cinnamon, mustard, coriander turmeric, garam masala and cayenne pepper into a bowl and add the vinegar and sugar and mix thoroughly.
  2. Heat the oil in a wok or large frying pan. Add the garlic and the onion and cook over a medium heat until they have softened for approx 5-7 mins, but take care not to let them burn or brown too much.
  3. Once the onion and garlic have softened, add the chicken pieces and cook for approx 2-3 minutes until the chicken starts to colour.
  4. Now add the chillies, tomatoes, tomato purée, and begin to stir in the pre-prepared Vindaloo paste.
  5. Add salt and pepper to taste, and bring to the boil. Once boiling, lower the heat and simmer whilst stirring occasionally for approx 1 hour. during this period, it’s important not to let the chicken vindaloo dry out, so add a 1/2 cup of water as necessary.  If you do want to make it hotter than the recipe, then during the simmering time is the right time to gradually add the chilli powder to taste.
  6. If you wanted to be traditional, you would ideally serve this Chicken Vindaloo with pilau rice, chapattis, or Naan bread – I especially like some of the Garlic and Coriander Naan’s that are available from most supermarkets, although if you were a bit more adventurous, you could try to make your own.
Tittays.


Dutch/South African/Belgian Stew
Before the Dutch just decided to throw down their weapons and surrender to anyone with a water gun (as they have been wont to do of late), they actually rolled fairly hard.  Not hard in a Cossack sort of way, but hard in a lording-intelligence-over-everyone-while-pointing-a-.44 Magnum-at-their-faces-and-telling-some-broad-to-get-her-tongue-further-up-their-ass-or-everyone-dies sort of way.  The Belgians and Dutch have long had good bodybuilders and strongmen, and the South Africans have rolled hard at everything they've ever done, ever.  Dutchmen Ab Wolders, for instance, was a perennial runner up at the World's Strongest Man in the 1980s, and Pierre Van Den Steen blew everyone around the same time away with his ridiculous leanness.  South Africa boasts Gerrit Badenhorst, frequent WSM competitor and former champion powerlifter, in addition to Arnold Schwarzennegger's idol- former champion bodybuilder and all around badass Reg Park.  Clearly, anyone speaking Dutch or an offshoot thereof has a reasonable chance of being a hard motherfucker, especially when one factors in such badasses as the Rhodesian Seleous Scouts and SAS.  Their stewroid of choice was Waterzooi, which might be the oddest of all of the stews thus detailed due to the fact that it's pretty much a meat-heavy cream soup.

Waterzooi
Ingredients
1 whole large chicken
4 carrots
3 celery stalks
4 shallots or small onions
Parsley
1 sprig fresh thyme
1 bay leaf
Salt and freshly ground black pepper
2 leeks
400 grams mushrooms (about 14 ounces)
4 egg yolks
1 cup cream
1 lemon, juiced
2 tablespoon butter
Pinch nutmeg



Directions
Preparation for the stock: Place the chicken in a pot of water, covering the chicken entirely. Add 2 carrots, 2 celery stalks, and 1 onion, cut into approximately 1-inch pieces. Add parsley, thyme and a bay leaf and poach until chicken is cooked. Add salt and pepper, to taste.

Cut the remaining carrots, celery, onions into 1-inch sticks and place them in a saucepan with water to cover. Cut the leeks into 1-inch sticks, slice the mushrooms and add to saucepan. Parboil vegetables in salted water. Take out the chicken when poached (no red color must be seen under the skin) and discard vegetables from stock. Strain the chicken stock through a fine sieve. Take the skin off of the chicken and cut chicken into 8 pieces. Put the chicken and the parboiled vegetables into the stock. Mix the egg yolks with the cream and add to the stock. Add the lemon juice and butter. Season with salt, pepper and nutmeg.

Serve in soup plates with boiled potatoes or white steamed rice.

I fink she's freaky, and I like it a lot.


Senegalese Stew
When most of us think of Africa, we definitely don't imagine a bunch of jacked dudes beating the brakes off each other in a dirt pit like they're in a paleolithic fight club.  Instead, it's much more likely we imagine two half-starved thirteen year-olds blabbering bullshit about Allah while committing numerous atrocities as part of a daily ritual to lay hands on a bag of moldy rice.  Though neither the introduction of Islam or Western colonization has done a motherfucking thing other than make the lives of Africans immeasurably worse, they've managed to hold on to some of the tribal shit they did prior to the invasions of the aforementioned flaming assholes that made them so fucking cool back in the day.  One such tradition is Senegalese wrestling, known in Senegal as laamb, which is by far and away the most popular sport in the country and has recently drawn the attention of the West.  As you can see above, the lack of modern training facilities isn't hurting the physiques of the Senegalese, and their strength is attributed to brutal basic training and the dish considered to be the Senegalese national flag, Ceebu Jenn.  Ceebu Jenn is, of course, a stew, and is the most commonly consumed dish in Senegal and is the preferred fuel for the hours-daily training for laamb.

Senegalese Thieboudienne / Ceebu Jenn
Serves: 8-12  


Ingredients
3 Tilapia cleaned and cut into 4 pieces each
3 branches of parsley finely chopped
3 branches of cilantro finely chopped
3 bay leaves
1 tablespoon of thyme
3 green onions finely chopped,
2 tablespoon of Afro Fusion Cuisines’ All Purpose Seasoning
4 ounces of tomato paste
2 plum tomatoes finely chopped
3 medium onions finely chopped
3 lb broken rice (broken one once or twice)
1 cup of oil
salt , black pepper
Vegetables of your choices
2 large carrots root cut into 4 inches pieces
1 eggplant root cut into 4 inches pieces
1 cassava or yucca root cut into 4 inches pieces
3 okra



Instructions
  1. Clean the fish very well and set aside
  2. Prepare the special marinade called “Nokoss” by mixing in a blender all your spices and herbs
  3. With a sharp small knife make small cut on the fish. Using ½ of your marinade in step 2 stuffed the fish and immediately broil or fry then set aside
  4. Parboil or steam your rice and set aside
  5. In a heated pot, using 4 tablespoon of the oil used to fry your fish, put a dash of salt , add onion, tomato paste and plum tomatoes (cook for 5-7mn stirring) .
  6. Add 6 cups of water to the pot, add the cut veggies, add the fish already fried and lastly add
  7. The remaining half of the marinade Let simmer for 15 minutes for the fish and Juices to blend
  8. Remove the fish roe from the pot and start plating
  9. Then remove from the sauce the cooked veggies and add it to the plate.
  10. Add the pre-cooked or steamed broken rice to the boiling sauce
  11. Put the fire on low and let it reduce…should take about 15-30 mins depending on the nature of your rice. Your Thieboudienne is ready!
If you can find a pic of a Senegalese chick worth posting, you're a better porn hunter than I.  I will happily watch this gif all fucking day.


Nigerian Stew
Like Senegal, Nigeria's got a tribal sport that make the violent games we grew up with, like Kill the Cow, for instance, look as violent as a no-touch game of pattycake- dambe.  Dudes who compete in dambe throw more haymakers than drunken hillbillies at a Kenny Chesney concert, and just like those hillbillies throw them with just one hand.  In fact, a quick google search appears to show that the haymaker is the sole strike employed in dambe fighting, which apparently only ends when you remove someone's head Mortal Kombat-style with a punch telegraphed from 1880's London.  After watching a couple of videos, the parallels between hillbillies and dambe end, because while hillbillies hurt each other as infrequently in fights as do dambe fighters, hillbillies lack both the intellect and the flexibility necessary to throw the occasional kick you're likely to see in dambe.  Nevertheless, any sport in which the participants rock out Art "One Glove" Jimmerson style as if they're in the first UFC is all right by me.  The food of choice for these hilarious tribal combatants?  You guessed it- motherfucking stew.

Nigerian Beef and Chicken Stew
Serves 10

Fresh Plum Tomatoes (referred to as Jos Tomatoes in Nigeria) – 1.5kg
Tinned tomato paste: 600g (or watery tinned Tomato Puree: 1.2kg)
Vegetable Oil: a generous amount (see this video)
Whole Chicken (hen) – 1.2kg
Beef: 15 pieces of medium cuts
Onions: 2-3 medium bulbs
Habanero Pepper & Salt (to taste)
Seasoning: 3 large stock cubes & Thyme (2 teaspoons)

Important notes on the ingredients

Chicken: Hen (female chicken) is tastier than the cockerel or rooster so it is the preferred chicken when cooking all Nigerian recipes.  Each of the different parts of the chicken (wings, drumsticks, hips etc) has its own unique taste and all these together makes the stew (and in fact all your cooking) taste better than if you use only one part of a chicken.

Tomato Stew is fresh puree tomato and the tinned tomato paste that has been boiled and fried to remove all traces of water and the sour taste of tomatoes. It is the base for the Nigerian Beef & Chicken Stew.

  1. Grind / Blend the chilli pepper and cut the onions into small pieces before you cook Tomato Stew
  2. Wash and blend the fresh plum tomatoes. Remember to remove the seeds unless you are sure your blender can grind them very well.
  3. If using the thick tinned tomato paste that is common in Nigeria, mix it with cold water to get a softer consistency. See the video below for how I did this.
  4. If you are using the watery tinned tomato puree that is common in Europe and other parts of the world, open the tins or packets and set these aside, you'll need them soon.
  5. Cut the onions into small pieces.

Cooking Directions
  1. Pour the fresh tomato blend into a pot and cook at high heat till almost all the water has dried. If you have the watery tinned/boxed tomato puree, add these to the pot and reduce the heat to low. Cook till the water in the tomato puree have dried as much as possible.
  2. Add the vegetable oil, the chopped onions and the thick tomato puree that you mixed in step 2 above (if it's the puree you are using). Stir very well.
  3. Fry at very low heat and stir at short intervals till the oil has completely separated from the tomato puree. A well fried tomato puree will also have streaks of oil, unlike when you first added the oil and it was a smooth mix of the tomato puree and oil. Taste the fried tomato puree to make sure that the raw tomato taste is gone. With time and experience, you can even tell that the tomato puree is well fried from the aroma alone.
  4. If you are happy with the taste and you are sure that all the water has dried as much as possible, pour out the excess vegetable oil like I did in this video, then use it in your cooking.
  5. If you are not using it immediately, leave to cool down, dish in containers and store in the freezer.
  6. - See more at: http://www.allnigerianrecipes.com/stews/tomato-stew.html#sthash.Qe46H92G.dpuf
  7. Cut up the chicken and cook with half of the chopped onions, stock cubes and thyme. When the chicken is almost done, add the beef and cook till well done. Then add salt, allow to simmer for about 5 minutes, transfer to a sieve to drain. Grill or fry the chicken and beef. This is optional but it gives them a rich golden look.
  8. Notes about cooking the chicken:
  9. Add water up to the level of the contents of the pot when cooking the chicken.
  10. When cooking chicken, I do not add salt to the raw chicken. This is because salt closes the pores of the chicken (and infact anything you are cooking), this prevents the natural flavour of the chicken from coming out into the surrounding water and prevents the seasoning from entering the chicken to improve the taste. The result is that your chicken stock will not have a rich natural taste. It will only have an artifical taste of seasoning.  
Note:  Only add salt when the chicken is done. A lot of people think that adding salt early makes the chicken taste better but there's a big difference between a salty taste and a rich taste. What gives food a rich taste is not salt but the natural flavor of the food so allow this natural flavor to come out into your stock by NOT adding salt too early. And remember, stock cubes already contain salt so you really don't need more salt.

Cooking Directions Continued

  1. When you are happy that the tomatoes in your tomato stew are well-fried, pour out the excess oil as I did in the video below.
  2. Place the pot of tomato stew back on the stove and add the chicken stock (water from cooking the chicken). There may be tiny pieces of bones at the bottom so be careful not to add those.
  3. Add the chilli pepper and the grilled chicken and beef. Stir very well and add salt if necessary. You can also add some water at this point if the stew is too thick.
  4. Cover the pot and cook at medium heat till the contents of the pot is well steamed. Stir again and you are done.
Africa appears not to lend itself well to porn, so here's Bailey Jay.


Korean Stew
Though they're not all that well known for being jacked or strong, Koreans eat burn-your-asshole-spicy soups and stews for almost every single meal.  Given that they're chugging stewroids all the live-long day, it won't surprise you that Koreans are not the tiny yellow pussies they're generally credited with being.  Instead, Koreans have a long lineage of being hard motherfuckers, as Korea is essentially the Poland of Asia- jammed between China and Japan, they've had to fight constantly for their entire existence to ensure that neither country was able to force them into a massive gimp suit and rape them with a horse dick-sized dildo until they're bleeding out of their eyes.  To that end, the Koreans have focused more on martial prowess than strength, and have become some of the hardest hand-to-hand fighters in the world.  Currently Koreans are representing hard in K-1 and the UFC, boast the unbelievably badass Mas Oyama as one of their own, and have pulled down a shitload of medals in judo (40), taekwondo (14), boxing (20), wrestling (35), and weightlifting (11), in spite of the fact their country has only 49 million inhabitants and has only existed as a country since 1948 (which means they've basically got twice as many medals in those sports as the US when you account for longevity and population).  Stew appears, once more, to be the nutritional formula for success if you want to be a fucking badass.  Given the frequency with which they eat stew, it's hard to pick a single recipe for their stewroid of choice.  As such, I'm picking my favorite, as I could not love a human baby as much as I love bulgogi.  In fact, I will only consider myself wealthy when and if I can hire a Korean man to follow me everywhere i go with a hibachi, constantly grilling bulgogi for my consumption.

Bulgogi Jungol
Serves: 4

Ingredients
2 cups marinated bulgogi
1 onion, cut into strips
2 scallions, chopped
Carrots, cut into strips
1/2 cup bean sprouts
Other bite-sized vegetables (preferable colorful) like peppers and broccoli
1 cup water
1 cup mushrooms of your choice (enoki, shiitake, button or a combination)
1 block tofu
Salt or soy sauce to taste
Noodles, cellophane/dangmyun/sweet potato (optional)



Preparation

  1. In a soup pot or a large wok, stir fry marinated bulgogi and onion(s) for a couple minutes. Put ALL the marinade into the pot, do not discard any liquid.
  2. Add vegetables (except for mushrooms) and cover with water.
  3. Bring to a boil.
  4. Reduce to a low simmer.
  5. After 5 minutes, add mushrooms, tofu, and scallions.
  6. Turn off after 3-4 minutes.
  7. Season to taste with salt and soy sauce.
  8. If adding noodles, add cellphane (dangmyun) with the mushrooms or add pre-cooked noodles at the end.


And there you have it- stew is the fucking balls.  It's easy to make, easy to transport, and generally the shit.  Like the guy who emailed me stated above, most people make diet and training way too fucking complicated.  You don't need a calculator or an Excel spreadsheet to get jacked.  You don't need gurus telling you what to do, how to eat, or what to think- this shit is too fucking simple.  If you're a person who really needs guidelines because you're nearly retarded, eat twice your bodyweight in protein, make those calories half your daily intake, and if you want to lean out, keep your carbs low and fats high.  If you want to gain weight, split your calories between carbs and fats for the second half of your caloric intake and eat more total calories.  It's not as though Arthur Saxon or Earle Liederman delved deep into programming and diet- they trained heavy, ate a metric fuckton of food (including a lot of stew), and drank their faces off, just like the Russians, Finns, sumo, and Icelanders do now.  Moreover, if the Indians and Senegalese can get jacked in third world environments with this type of diet, so can you. Stop thinking about it and just do it- this shit is too simple to fuck up.

EDIT:  After reading about claypot cooking, there will have to be one more post in this series, as that shit looks fucking amazing.

15 August 2013

Chaos And Bang Your Canadian Earballs, Series 1, Episode 1


FINALLY.  I got my man Proper Villian to mix this shit up nice, and finally uploaded it to Youtube.  Plus, he popped that shit up on Mega so you guys can download here and here it if you want.  Huzzah.


Part 1:

Part 2:

You'll note that we've added Jay Nera to the podcast, and though he's introduced as a special guest, he's actually been officially added as a cohost.  No pics on this shit- just the goodness of our voices.  As such, might as well give you guys some titties to ogle.


Paul's a big fan of Rafaela, so this one's for Paul.  Let's not have him be the only one shameturbating to this pic.

14 August 2013

There's No Such Thing As Too Many Stew-Roids


Before I start the second installment in this series, a warning- If you're unaccustomed to eating massive quantities of fiber, go REALLY easy on the beans if and when you make chili.  Likewise, taking it easy on spices might be a good idea, no matter how spicy you like your food.  the reason behind this warning is that after eating chili made with two cans of Texas Rancheros beans, a couple of pounds of lean beef, and a shitload of poblano peppers, wasabi, habenero pepper sauce, crushed red peppers, and ancho chili, I've been running to the shitter shooting flames from my ass for the last 14 hours, and am feeling not unlike I did when I had dysentery in China, though I am as of yet not bleeding from my asshole.

Now, onto the show...

Quite frankly, the popularity of my stew idea has me taken a bit aback- I honestly believed the world at large would accuse me of having holed up in my house, collecting my own urine and fecal samples, and basically writing nonsense while living full-on Howard Hughes style.  It appears, however, that I'm onto something, so I believe it behooves me to continue with my stew series- the more I research, the more I discover that the correlation between stew and gigantic, badass motherfuckers is 1:1, no matter where you are in the world.  As it happens, my initial idea for eating stew didn't come from my research, but rather arose out of my inquiry into the ideal bulking diet, as I've grown unbelievably weary of constant dieting and have been looking around for a method by which I can alter my diet and increase muscular mass without becoming one of the giant, fat pieces of shit you see waddling around most gyms in sweatshirts with cutoff sleeves and sweatpants that appear to have been new when Flashdance was initially released on Laserdisc.  Putting on a bit of fat in the pursuit of huge numbers is no issue- losing the appearance that I actually lift weights is.


As such, the traditional "see food" diet was not an option, nor was the hideous nonsense I reposted from Dave Tate about eating pizza drenched in olive oil.  Instead, I thought to look to how people have done it around the world in a logical, sensible, sane manner, though with a mode of execution extreme enough to justify its use with my training methodology.  That thought then sat on a dusty shelf in the back of my mind as I rummaged through it looking for odd bits and pieces for the new nutrition ebook, and I'd occasionally catch a glimmer from that abandoned shelf that'd draw my attention whenever the word "stew" popped up in a book or article.  I then recalled Ori Hofmekler's bit on stew, which I posted in the last installment of this series, and the entire concept began to congeal in my head.  I'd already thought in the past that chili could be made into the ultimate food, and then it dawned upon me- there is no need to make it into the ultimate food, because it already is the ultimate food.  I did a bit of maths to confirm this, and this is what I found:


Assuming you make your chili with one pound of 93% lean beef, 425 grams of pinto beans, 425 grams of kidney beans, and a can each of tomato soup and diced tomatoes, you're looking at 2159 calories, 36g fat, 301g of carbs (of which 82g is fiber, so really it's 219g carbs), and 168g of protein, all for around $6.  Thus, for maybe $16 bucks you could double that and have three protein shakes to top out around 5000 calories and 450 grams of protein.  

Depending on how you look at it, you're hitting a split of 50% carbs, 37% protein, 13% fat without deducting the fiber, or 42% carbs, 43% protein, 15% fat with the fiber removed from the equation (which I do, because fuck fiber).  Either way, if you can't grow on that shit, you're not going to grow on anything.  Additionally, all of the health concerns constantly issuing forth from the mouths of your wives/girlfriends/parents/coworkers are obviated by the fact that you're getting an insanely balanced diet jam-packed with more fucking nutrition than you'd get just about any other way.
For those of you who are curious about my chili recipe, here it is:

Jamie's Pants-Shitting Scorched Anus Chili
4 servings

2 lbs 93% lean ground beef
2 cans Bush's Best Texas Rancheros beans
Brown Bag Chili Mix
8 oz tomato sauce
5 poblano chilis, minced
6 TBSP Sriracha
4 tsp wasabi powder
4tsp habanero sauce
2 tbsp crushed red pepper
2 tsp ancho chili powder
2 tsp cayanne powder

Brown your meat. Add 8 oz can of tomato sauce. Add water by filling that can twice right out of your tap (16 oz). Mix thoroughly while adding our large packet of seasonings. Let simmer overnight in a crock pot.


Though my first love insofar as stew goes is chili, that's not my first thought with stew.  When I think of stew, as a general rule, I think of the stew one sees in every medieval movie, ever.  There's invariably an iron kettle brimming with meat and potatoes simmering in the backdrop of any medieval period piece, and that or roast meat are usually the only things you see eaten, along with bread.  That, I've learned, is known as hunter's stew, perpetual stew, and hobo stew, and it sounds like it's a gigantic Santa Claus bag of awesome.  Basically, this type of stew, which was extremely common even through the early part of the 20th Century in a lot of places, is whatever one can find thrown into a pot and slow cooked over a fire.  The cool thing about the perpetual stew is that the pot never got emptied- as it was consumed, more random shit was thrown in- whatever meats, veggies, or tubers they had lying around got chopped up and used.  This is why stews are so fucking cool- you can use endless variations, and the quality of the meat is inconsequential because even the toughest, stringiest cuts of meat are rendered tender by the slow-cooking process.


Though that description likely conjures up images of hulking, brutish, unwashed and bloody men slamming their forearms down on the table of a filthy inn and screaming "flagon of ale and meat!" at the top of their lungs, that type of a meal would have been just as common in the medieval era as it was in the Roman, the pre-Roman era of the Scythians, the early 20th century, and even in modern Iceland, Japan, Hungary, and elsewhere in non-Americanized countries.  In fact, the stew-grain-alcohol combination of the medieval era was used with great success by the Saxon Trio of the early 20th Century and is the mainstay of the sumos and Russian strongmen- a healthy reikishi may drink up to six pints of beer at a midday meal (Scott), Saxon was apparently "weaned on beer" (he once drank 50 beers pre-performance) and ate a tremendous amount of stew and soup (Inch) and still perform, and everyone who's ever lifted in Russia has some tale of drunken debauchery and sour cream-filled beef stew.  The amalgamation of alcohol, stewed meat, and grains seems to have arisen right out of the Middle Ages, as stew was referred to as "companaticum"('that which goes with the bread') and was thus nearly invariably served with booze and bread (Wiki).

I think most of us would agree that this might serve as a decent accompaniment to the meal.

If you're curious, I managed to rustle up a medieval stew recipe to give you an idea of what it was those fuckers had bubbling away in a cauldron awaiting the return of King Arthur and his men.  The following recipe comes from a book that might be more aptly titled 700 Years of Culinary Failure, but the author instead went with 700 Years of English Cooking, which while accurate lacks the descriptive terms necessary to warn the reader of the culinary disasters bound within the pages of the book.

Medieval Spiced Beef Stew
Serves 6-8

1.5kg lean braising steak, chopped into bite-size chunks
3 tbsp plain flour
Oil for frying
1/2 tsp ground cinnamon
1/4 tsp ground mace
1/8 tsp (small pinch) ground cloves
4 black peppercorns, crushed
1/2 tsp cardamom pods, crushed and green pods discarded
1 large onion, finely chopped
6 large sprigs parsley, stalks and leaves finely chopped, plus extra to garnish
900ml beef stock
50g stale wholemeal bread, torn into small pieces
3 tbsp cider vinegar
Pinch of saffron threads

Toss the beef with the flour to coat. Cover the base of a large casserole dish with a thin layer of oil and place over a medium high heat. Add the beef in batches and fry, stirring occasionally, until browned.

Return any browned beef to the pan with its juices. Add the spices, onion and parsley with a splash of the stock and fry, stirring frequently and scrapping up the crusty layer from the bottom of the pan with a wooden spoon, for about 5 minutes until the onions have started to soften. Add the rest of the stock with a pinch of salt and bring to a gentle boil. Cover, reduce the heat to low and simmer for 2 hours, until the beef is tender.

Meanwhile, soak the bread in the vinegar with the saffron. Stir into the stew and simmer, uncovered, for about 20 minutes until the bread has broken down and the stew is thick. Taste and season with salt and freshly ground black pepper. Serve with bread and buttered green vegetables, garnished with chopped fresh parsley.

Obviously, that's one stout ass meat soup.  While it's not really fatty enough to be considered fully keto, you could diet for a bodybuilding show on this stew and show up grainier than a cameraphone pic from 2001.  Additionally, cinnamon isn't just a dessert spice- it's used a hell of a lot in good chili recipes, and finds its way into damn near everything Indian.  It's worth noting that cinnamon's inclusion into any meal is usually a good idea, as cinnamon confers a variety of health benefits you don't get with other spices- cinnamon lowers blood sugar and cholesterol and may prevent yeast infections in those sad sacks who've picked up the HIV on a trip to Thailand or their local bathhouse.  As such, this stew is pretty much the ideal thing for anyone to eat from time to time, and eaten with a giant loaf of brown bread and a liquor-filled libation and you've got yourself one hell of a postworkout meal.


Macedonian Stew
Frankly, the Macedonians have done exactly fuckall since conquering much of the known world, but as a former title holder in the World Domination Championships, their food deserves some mention.  As for sporting events since then, they've only been a country since 1996 (they were part of former Yugoslavia, and prior to that part of the Bulgarian Empire), but have pulled down a number of medals in Olympic wrestling in spite of the fact that their country is essentially six people standing around a goat in the ass-end of Bulgaria.  Though I didn't even know there was a such a thing as Macedonian cuisine prior to researching this, a restaurant in Indianapolis is famous for their stew, which is of course Macedonian- John's Famous Stew in Indianapolis.  The stew, which is called Turli Tava, is supposed to be the balls, and you can make it considerably hotter (as the Macedonians are wont to do) by adding a bunch of Hungarian wax peppers.


Quite frankly, I have never had a Hungarian dish I found the least bit spicy and could rinse my contacts with the juice from Hungarian wax peppers, but Macedonians apparently love 'em and think they're capable of rendering stew spicy.  That aside, cranking up the heat on your stew is a damn fine reason, as the capsaicin in hot spices can "burn body fat with minimal potency, fight inflammation with decent potency, and prevent cancer with indeterminate potency" (Examine.com).  If you're more inclined to use horseradish or wasabi, that works as well, as the isothiocyanates that make the brassica family spicy inhibits cancer growth.  As such, you should do as the Macedonians and Hungarians do and spice the fuck out of your food. If you find yourself disinclined to do so, consult the following complete list of people who do not like spicy foods:
  • Pregnant women
  • Breastfeeding mothers
  • Menstruating women
  • Women on menopause
  • Children
  • Old People
  • Animals (except fish)
As Maddox says, "this is a complete list of people who do not like spicy foods,so if you don't like spicy food, you must one of the above listed.  Animals, old people, and children can't read, so I guess that makes you a bitch" (Maddox 68-69).

Turli Tava

Preheat oven to 400.
You will need:

1 pound of mixed meat – pork and beef  – cut in chunks for stew
Sea salt
freshly ground black pepper
1 medium onion, peeled and roughly chopped
3 cloves of garlic, minced
2 medium potatoes, peeled and roughly chopped
2 medium carrots, peeled and roughly chopped
1 medium eggplant, stem removed and roughly chopped
2 red or green bell peppers, stems and seeds removed, roughly chopped
1 large tomato, roughly chopped
1 1/2 cups of okra, tops and tails cut off, blanched in salted water for 1 minute, rinsed and drained (if unavailable replace with green beans)
1 tablespoon paprika
salt and pepper to taste
1/4 cup olive oil
1/2 cup water
Parsley, roughly chopped to garnish



Directions:

  1. Season veal, pork and chicken with salt and pepper and set inside the clay dish.
  2. Mix in the vegetables.
  3. Season with paprika, salt, and pepper.
  4. Add in the olive oil and water; mix well.
  5. Put it in the oven and cook it uncovered for 1 hour and 30 minutes, stirring occasionally.
  6. Garnish with parsley.
  7. Let cool for 20 minutes then serve it warm with crusty bread. Utensils not needed- this stuff is chunky enough to eat with your hands or chunks of bread, just the way Conan would have done it.


Bulgarian Stew 
Provided you're an adult human being who lifts weights and does not have their head jammed so far up your own ass that you know what your own duodenum tastes like, the Bulgarians require no introduction.  Given the spate of prolapsed rectum gobbling I've noted (with pleasure) on various porn sites, I suppose I might as well introduce them anyway.  Long known as the swarthy asshole of Eastern Europe, Bulgaria emerged as an Olympic wrestling and weightlifting powerhouse under the benevolent eye of the Soviets.  No country has amassed medals in those respective sports as have the Bulgarians, a people as un-numerous as they are un-hirsute.  Culturally, the Bulgarians are hardly Russian, however- they're a curious blend of Slavic, Celtic, and Greek influences.  The Thracians, one of the only Greek nations to stand with the Spartans at Thermopylae, hailed from what is now Bulgaria, comprise the "Greek" influence, and combined with the Turkic/Hunnic Bulgars and South Slavs (the rest of whom eventually ended up as Yugoslavia) to comprise the population and culture of modern Bulgaria.  Despite their vastly disparate culturally different influences, Bulgarians eventually embodied a literal and figurative melting pot, which then took tangible form on the dinner table as a Bulgarian favorite-Monastery gyuvetch.

Monastery Gyuvetch

Ingredients
2 lbs beef
4 tomatoes, chopped
1/2 lbs mushrooms
1 cup rice
1 onion, chopped
15 olives, whole
a bunch of parsley
2 tbsp vegetable oil
1 tbsp butter
1 tbsp sugar
2 1/2 cups beef stock
black pepper, paprika and salt



Preparation
Cut the beef into cubes or small pieces and fry in a pan with a little oil for about 5 minutes or until brown. Add the onions, beef stock and paprika, 5 minutes later add the mushrooms and rice and simmer for about 15 minutes. Add the tomatoes, salt to taste, butter, sugar and olives, and cook for another 5 minutes. Preheat oven to 400F. Transfer the content of the pan into a baking dish and cook for about 30 minutes. Sprinkle with parsley and pepper before serving.


Or you could sprinkle that with some parsley and pepper before eating.

Maori Stew
When one thinks of the Maori, stew is likely not the first thing to come to their minds.  For those of you who are unaware, the Maori are some of the hardest motherfuckers to ever walk the Earth, and earned their massive statures from a diet so meat-heavy that they eventually turned to cannibalism to supplement their diets after hunting most of the animals in New Zealand to extinction.  When I say "massive" this is of course relative- the average Maori male was about 5'8" prior to colonization, which was considerably taller than Europeans of the time, and were much more heavily muscled, as the average Maori was generally between 170 and 200 lbs.  Replete with a shitload of badass tattoos and more bludgeoning weapons than one would like to see in hulking, heavily muscled natives in a tropical paradise they wish to conquer, the Maori were the last major indigenous group to fall to European colonization, holding out until the mid 19th Century after eating more Europeans than a French cunnilingus specialist.  As it is everywhere else I've mentioned, the mainstay of the Maori diet was stew- in this case, the Maori Boil-Up.  Unlike many of the other stews I've thus far outlined, the Maori Boil up is interestingly Zone-ish- it's almost exactly 33% protein, 33% fat, and 33% carbohydrates.  Given that it's still the mainstay of Maori cuisine and the fact that the All Blacks
dominate rugby harder than Max hardcore dominates skinny chicks' tonsils, it stands to reason we could all stand to get a little Zone in our lives and rock this stew like it's Infant Annihilator's full length- all the live long day.

Maori Boil-Up 
(with pork tenderloin, though traditional recipes generally use pork bones and pork neck added to the broth)
Servings: 6

4 cups chicken broth
2 cups water
1 lb pork tenderloin
2 bunches watercress
1 large kumara, peeled and chopped (sweet potato)
1/2 large onion, peeled and chopped
3 green onions, sliced
6 cherry tomatoes
1 teaspoon salt
1 tablespoon fresh cilantro, chopped (optional)

Doughboys

3 tablespoons unsalted butter, in pea sized pieces
1 cup flour
1 teaspoon baking powder
1 pinch salt
1 pinch sugar
1/4-1/2 cup milk

Directions:
  1. Add stock, water and pork to pot, bring to a boil then cover and simmer for an hour.
  2. Soak watercress in cold water for 10 minutes. (This removes bitterness) Squeeze out moisture and break into pieces. Set aside.
  3. Add kumara, onion, green onion and tomatoes to stock and simmer for 15 minutes.
  4. Remove pork and chop into pieces. Return meat to stock and boil for 5 minutes. Add salt and watercress and simmer for 15 minutes.
  5. Meanwhile make the doughboys. Cut butter into dry ingredients until it resembles coarse cornmeal. Stir in enough milk to make a stiff, slightly sticky dough.
  6. Drop either teaspoon or tablespoon sized amounts of the doughboy mixture into the the boiling pot, cover and cook for about 10-15 minutes. Don't lift lid while cooking. Larger doughboys will take a bit longer.
  7. Serve with a garnish of chopped cilantro.



Welsh Stew
When one thinks of Wales, they likely think of an incomprehensible language spoken by hill people who spend their time fucking sheep, if they think of them at all.  While that is, I'm told, unequivocally true, the Welsh do have a long history of badassery spanning back to prehistory.  According to a 15th century historian, "The ancient Britons being naturally a warlike nation did no doubt for the exercise of their youth in time of peace and to avoid idleness devise games of activity where each man might show his natural prowess and agility, as some for strength of the body by wrestling, lifting of heavy burdens, others for the arm as in casting the bar, sledge, stone, or hurling the bawl or ball, others that excelled in swiftness of foot, to win the praise therein by running, and surely for the exercise of the parts aforesaid this cnapan was prudently invented, had the same continued without abuse thereof" (Wiki)  Cnapan, as it happens, is the forerunner to rugby union, the game at which the Maoris excel.  When the Welsh played it, it had few rules, was played by teams numbering over a thousand a side, and often resulted in serious injuries and death.  As such, it's not played anymore, as no insurance company will cover the players.  Thus, the Welsh are left with shit like strongman, stone lifting, and Highland games, at all of which they excel.  Of the former perhaps Gary Taylor is the most well-known contestant, a six foot, 300 lb behemoth who won the 1993 World's Strongest Man and who boasts a positively fucking ridiculous behind the neck push press of 600 lbs.  The rest of the Welsh are hardly pussies, as they boast some of the toughest manhood stones in the British Isles- the Criccieth [390.5lb] and Ysbyty Ifan [300lb] stones.  As I understand it, stew is traditionally the most-consumed food in Wales, and the most popular of the stews is Cawl, so again, we've got some bad motherfuckers sucking down stew like it's cum in a bukkake party.

Welsh Cawl 
Serves six

6 x small Welsh lamb shanks
1.2L/2pts water
225g/8oz potatoes, peeled and diced
225g/8oz swede, peeled and diced
225g/8oz onion, peeled and chopped
225g/8oz carrots, peeled and diced
225g/8oz leek, cleaned and sliced thin
A bunch of herbs: Bay, thyme, rosemary and parsley
½ a small Savoy cabbage
2tbsp vegetable oil
Salt and pepper



Heat the vegetable oil in a large pan, season the lamb shanks add to the pan together with the onion and brown all over (you may have to do this in batches if your pan is not large enough. Pour over the water and add the bunch of herbs. Bring to the boil then reduce the heat to a simmer. Cover and cook for 40 minutes. Add all the vegetables except for the cabbage, bring up to the boil again, reduce to a simmer and cook for a further 40 minutes. Shred the cabbage and add to the cawl, cook for about 5 minutes, then serve.

Cawl can be made throughout the year, just adjust the vegetables according to the season. Chopped runner bean, broad beans and peas are wonderful during early summer, add a little chopped mint at the end of cooking.

During cooking the stock will reduce somewhat, so top up with more water, or some wine. You may also wish to add pulses such as lentils, or beans, pearl barley is also good during the winter months.

Substitute lamb with a piece of gammon, just make sure you soak it before cooking. The broth will make an excellent soup, add peas and fresh mint.

Serve the gammon with creamed potatoes, broad beans and parsley sauce.


Next time, we'll close this one out when we hit up the Senegalese, Croats, Dutch/Belgians/South Africans, and Indians for the stew recipes that made them some of the meanest, baddest, most unforgiving motherfuckers in the gods' cruel kingdom, and prove once and for all that there's no food on the fucking planet that confers more badass, muscle building, face melting, cervix displacing nutrition than does a good old-fashioned stew.

Sources:
Hiroa TR.  Maori Somatology. Racial Averages.  1922.  J Polynesian Society.  31(121)37-44.  Web.  13 Aug 2013.  http://www.jps.auckland.ac.nz/document/Volume_31_1922/Volume_31,_No._121/Maori_somatology._Racial_averages,_by_Te_Rangi_Hiroa_(P._H._Buck),_p_37-44/p1

Hunter's Stew.  Wikipedia.  Web.  7 Aug 2013.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hunter%27s_stew

Inch, Thomas.  My friendship with Arthur Saxon.  Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  7 Jan 2009.  Web.  8 Aug 2013.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2009/01/my-friendship-with-arthur-saxon-thomas.html

Inwood K, Oxley L, Roberts E.  “Tall, active and well made”- Stature of the New Zealand M ori population, c.1700 - 1976.  Paper for presentation at 34th Social Science History Conference.  12 Nov 2009.  Web. 13 Aug 2013.  https://www2.dti.ufv.br/noticia/files/anexos/php8rp64d_4262.pdf

Scott, Greg.  What Sumo eat.  Lingualift.  Oct 2011.  Web.  8 Aug 2013.  http://japanese.lingualift.com/blog/what-sumo-eat-wrestlers-diet/