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24 January 2011

Just Because You Have a Vagina… The Second


In the first installment of this series, I outlined the various groups of women in history who in no way sucked.  In fact, they were downright fucking hardasses, and would've spat upon Snooki right before cutting her throat and belittling and beating to death the coiffed "men" standing around her.  Frankly, the women of the ancient Sarmatians or Spartans (and possibly Picts or Etruscans) would have been the manliest thing standing in most football stadiums during an NFL game- they were badasses the likes of which modern men only dream of being, and of which most modern women couldn't even conceive.  The "fairer sex" should fear not, however, as there's hope for you yet.


Apparently, society is fully backing you guys up on throwing on some pants and showing the "men" around you how shit gets done.  Recent articles in nearly every rag on Earth have heralded the death of machismo and manliness, likening maleness to a vestigial organ like the appendix.  As such, women are stepping in to fill the shoes of their weakened, libidoless, eunuchs of husbands at home and in the workplace.  Not surprisingly, they're aspiring to have more "boyish" physiques as well- according to a recent study comparing the desires of women in the 1950s against those today, "1950s women aspired to ideal hips measuring just over 35 inches, while modern women wanted hips of less than 31 inches but larger waists than the 1950s women."  (Gartland)  Amusingly, men in the same study wanted to have much smaller bodies than their 1950s counterparts, which seems to fall in line with the whole women-taking-over trend that feminists and testosterone-deficient men have been yammering on about for 20 years.
There's nothing like a hot chick with blue paint on her face engaging in wanton slaughter.


I guess, then, that there's never been a better time for chicks to hike up their skirts and bust their asses in the gym.  Oddly, I'm still hearing from the guys who run my gym that most women are terrified of gyms wherein they see people actually lifting weights, and they've encouraged me to invite chicks to the gym.  Given that I live in a city filled with obese chicks who are obsessed with consumer products and television, you can imagine that I've not been even marginally successful in helping them out.  Nevertheless, I think that most chicks would be a hell of a lot happier, healthier, and generally awesome if they dragged their asses off the recumbant bike and started deadlifting, since it seems to work wonders for those who do.


Take, for instance, Hilary Swank.  We all saw her in The Next Karate Kid  (a fucking travesty if there ever was one... until the "Karate" Kid was set in China with the fucking idiot kid learning kungfu from Jackie Chan)  where she was some skinny and exceptionally annoying chick trying in vain to learn how to kick some ass.  A brutal weight training regime and strict diet later, she's gained 20 lbs of rip and looks like a legitimate badass onscreen in MIllion Dollar Baby.  To get there, she didn't lift light weights and mince about the gym on some bullshit cardio machines- she lifted reasonably heavy and busted her ass in the gym... and got an awesome physique to show for it.  In a further departure from what most chicks would consider doing to get ripped, Swank frequently ended her workouts by pushing her trainer's SUV around the parking lot, strongman-style, and ate a 4,000 calorie diet that consisted of little more than meat and protein shakes, keeping her carbs under 50g a day.(LA Times)
Though I've no idea if the trend-bucking Swank spent much time on the scale, her similarly built acting compatriot, the insanely hot Jessica Biel, does not.  Biel, who caused any person of any gender to dry-hump their hand with the desperation of a death-row inmate in Blade Trinity, works out 6 days a week, eats an organic diet that's your basic "healthy" low-calorie diet, is content to bust her ass in the gym 6 days a week and diet like a motherfucker, but goes by the mirror rather than the scale to gauge her progress... a habit of which I think most chicks would do well to take note.
Buff chicks have been in the movies for some time now.  I'd imagine for most of us, the buffest chick we'd ever seen growing up was Linda Hamilton in Terminator 2.  For that flick, Hamilton trained 3 hours a day, 6 days a week, doing a combination of lifting, cardio, fighting, and training with Israeli specops.  She fully adopted the take-no-shit-from-anyone persona she carried through the film and became a legitimate badass, true to the model that the feminists purport to be that which is taking over in modern society.
Lest you people worry, it's probably not necessary to give over your entire life in the pursuit of becoming a modern day amazon if you don't want to.  Though I've got no hard facts on how often she works out, the 2009 World's Fittest Female, Tanya Wager, is a PE teacher by day and Crossfitter by night, and has a sick body to show for it.  Additionally, she strict presses 100 lbs and deads over double bodyweight, which is impressive for someone who isn't a traditional strength athlete.
Crossfit appears to be nothing but a collection of hot girls and shirtless guys in board shorts, but it seems to work.  Who the fuck knows how they get anything done, but I guess orgies burn a shitload of calories. 

In summation, no chick's going to throw off the heavy shackles of the massive, veiny, bulbous, purple-headed phallocracy by fucking about on the treadmill and lifting the pink neoprene "dumbbells".  Instead, it's going to take some ass-busting under some heavy weights, but it'll be worth it when you can slap around your estrogen drenched man and get him to grab you a beer while you watch whatever nonsense happens to be on Lifetime.  


To the men reading this article, find a way to get your fucking test levels up, already, and for fuck's sake, don't be Japanese- "The latest biennial survey found that 36.1 percent of Japanese males between the ages of 16-19 said they had no interest or even despised sex, a jump from 17.5 percent in the 2008 study."  Additionally, "40.8 percent of married people [in Japan] said they had not had sex in the past month, up from 36.5 percent in the 2008 survey and 31.9 percent in the 2004 survey."(AFP)  
Sources:
Gartland, Fiona.  Women Now Aspire To a More Boyish Frame.  
Los Angeles Times.  How three actresses buffed up.  http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/health/2002193697_healthactresses-side02.html
"Young Japanese losing sex drive: govt." AFP.  http://www.google.com/hostednews/afp/article/ALeqM5hwMXvVlRWmqmFLrrDVIK4s5Ch51Q?docId=CNG.ae397daff87cc1e47b63c5af72d5b9ae.71

26 comments :

  1. ok, i'm off to my unheated garage/gym for a set of deadlifts. Anyone coming?

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  2. a-FUCKING-men, Jamie!

    I said this on my blog the other day: "I think that a good starting point would be if everyone could collectively hold up the physical ideal of people that look like they can do strong things because they ACTUALLY DO things that make them strong!"

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  3. Japan is such a fucked-up place.
    Kids that age are supposed to be running around with raging boners 24/7, not moping around like limp-dicked suck-bags.
    That phenomenon is a fucking abomination.

    If I ever go there, it'll only be when I'm at the helm of the Hatredcopter.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RbIGuLXCziU

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  4. appendix is not a vestigial organ. it's for recolonizing intestinal bacteria flora after severe diarrhea.

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  5. Damn! Japan has got to be a great place for the other 63.9% of 16-19 year old males huh?

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  6. Your lack of success attracting women (to the gym) is not a surprise. This post is best suited to the feminista and manly hardcore lesbian, and relates only marginally to the mindset and motivations of the average hot chick (or potential hot chick). Jessica Biel is the only good example you point at... all the other girls are uglier than you wearing a wig, and certanly are not examples of the female ideal I would endorse. Given that this post sucks at the intended purpose of convince ladies in general to drag their ass into the gym in order to become a better version of themselves, I would suggest to sprinkle this entry with some Teagan Presley and assorted hot chick images intead of the ugly ones you put on (don't touch the image of the crossfit girl with green shorts!!). As contradictory as it may seem (to you) that would raise the girl's interest in exercise, or at least, the interest of the male readers in general for looking into the post. Best blog ever, in spite of this entry!!

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  7. Jill Mills is fucking awesome.

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  8. Can't we have the psycho looking tribal chick and Teagan Presley? And who is the girl in the last pic?

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  9. Her name is Camille Leblanc-Bazinet.
    She owned a whole bunch of hosers in the Crossfit games one year.

    Here's more of her:

    http://stayforevercrossfit.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/08/chrisw_Camille_-1024x682.jpg

    http://games2010.crossfit.com/static/images/rorym_Games2010CamilleEvent1Friday__.jpg

    http://28.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_l5sgdgEvIf1qzde2mo1_500.jpg

    She's a slampiece.

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  10. She's universally inspirational, for both men and women (maybe not for the same reasons though). listen to her at 8:20-9:20 aprox. That's what's all about. Bottom line: you can never have too much of Teagan Presley.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2HH9aIHMfpw

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  11. WHEN THE HELL ARE YOU WRITING THE RULE OF FIVE PART 2?

    That's all.

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  12. Hey something unrelated but, if you have any, can you post any videos of you wrestling in college? I'm a high school wrestler and can't seem to find you on youtube because there's some strange musician with your name.
    Thanks

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  13. To my knowledge, there's no footage of my wrestling in college.

    Part 2 will be out this week.

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  14. Searching "jamie lewis wrestling" on YouTube comes up with some bizarre clips.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TN_dms1Uq4k
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0KTqWLKv84
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ojdl48cuwXo

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  15. Jamie this will shock and appaul you but up till now myofusion has been a heavily maltodextrin based protein powder with only 47% protein content! carvery dairies tested this and phd pharma whey...2 very popular brands. Both came up way short of advertised ingredients...myofusion is rereleased with a shinier pack and has the right amount of protein in it this time. Many people in my area are boycotting gaspari and phd for this. 2 supplement shop owners i know ceased dealings with PHD over this.

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  16. That would explain why I've had such a hard time staying lean recently. What asshats. I've been using Nutrex's new blended protein recently, which tastes awesome... hopefully it's not a big bag of bullshit like the myofusion.

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  17. lol I cant believe you believed me. The whey isolate/hydrolysate content was also very low in the myofusion. I was actually talking to my supplement shop owner friend today about it. He said it was mostly milk protein. PHD's protein contained would you believe it...SOY! I didnt notice it because i was training 3 times a day (sprinting, weights, cycling/running) and using clenbuterol.

    An Irish company Carvery dairies has been supplying american brands with whey for years. Its based in cork and they recently launced a high quality nutrition supplement brand called Kinetica. I know a biochemist who works for them. He gets to test all the competitors brands to examine their claims.

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  18. I actually like the fact that my whey tastes shit. Gives it a degree of credibility. If a company is claiming a high percentage of hydrolysate, you should be experiencing a yeasty after taste

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  19. Get it straight from the manufacturers if you can, dudes. I got my whey protein from a food warehouse and saved a lot. Nothing but whey protein concentrate straight from Fonterra.

    There are sites that deal in bulk protein too.

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  20. Uncle-

    I've got no fucking clue what you're babbling on about at this point- Myofusion's been discontinued.

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  21. Whey concentrate like this?

    http://www.myprotein.com/uk/products/impact_whey_protein

    What is so special about the extra ingredients in other whey products that makes them so much more expensive?

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  22. I don't trust any supplements. I think if any of them were truly effective at giving you any kind of athletic advantage they would be made illegal. So the fact that they are legal shows that they're not effective. They're too expensive anyway.

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  23. I stopped using whey for a year between 2009-2010. I actually grew faster during this time than when I was using it. I've been using the same 10lb bag of ON gold standard the last 4 months now though. I just find it useful for breakfasts in that I can dump a scoop of protein in the blender with a cup of oats and an apple, same for post workout. That concentrate stuff looks good price for the amount though. I tried two cycles of Animal Test last year. I think the 'effects' I felt were purely psychosomatic. Not a bad thing, pychosomatic symptoms are every bit as real as the subject believes them to be but they are also something that can be controlled and replicated by willpower alone in my opinion.

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  24. I've always been baffled as to why people take supplements when they could just eat more food - it tastes way better, and is usually cheaper (not to mention more effective).

    ReplyDelete