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04 January 2011

The Chaos and Pain Commandments

Given that I'm violently opposed to joining any social networking sites, I don't get the same thrill some people do in googling myself.  I've never posted an update on Facebox about what color my latest shit was, how long it took me to do my laundry, or any of the other inane bullshit people seem to think others might care about.  I do, however, find it amusing that people will often claim that I've espoused training principles that I haven't or that I've made stark, sweeping suggestions that are found nowhere in this blog.
Dear Facebox- I just shit a squirrel.  Literally.  And the hell of it is, I don't know what to name it.

As I've apparently been about as clear as pig shit, so I'll take this time to rectify that and set down my commandments.  You should bear in mind when you read them that I'm not recommending that anyone necessarily follow them, but rather that my research and personal experience have shown to be true.  Debate them all you fucking want... in the end I'll produce voluminous evidence proving I'm right and you're wrong, and then I'll destroy something to celebrate my victory.

  1. Lift heavy, motherfucker.  Obviously, heavy is a relative term.  As such, "heavy" means with weights greater than 85% of your one rep max, and you should do this for more than 75% of your workouts.  
  2. Variation is the spice of life, and anyone who doesn't like spicy sucks.  As such, try new exercises, do different shit, and keep it interesting.  The chaotic part of my training style makes shit fun, and if you attack the fucking weights and go heavy the vast majority of the time, your body cannot help but get stronger.
  3. Stop worrying about your form, already.  Brute strength will get you pretty fucking far.  The more weight you lift, the more strength you'll gain, and the bigger you'll get.  Frankly, lifting with biomechanically disadvantageous form will likely force you to stimulate more muscle fibers due to the fact that it's not the most efficacious manner in which to lift.  You can perfect your form later- the majority of you should just shoot for good.    
  4. You can lift more often, and heavier than you think, fuckface.  Stop listening to conventional wisdom, because it's conventional and hardly wisdom.  Conventional thought and action will bring naught but average results. None of the greats in anything thought conventionally, and neither should you.  Be better than everyone else- fuck populist sentiment and fuck anyone who says you can't do something.  Spite's an awesome motivator.
  5. For fuck's sake, train in a way you enjoy.  If you hate training, you're not going to do it.  As such, if you don't feel like training 12 times a week with near-maximal weights, don't.  No one gives a fuck what you do anyway, no matter what ten people on the internet might say.  Just don't feed people a line of bullshit about how it's unrealistic or you'd die or that's for juicers or any of the other excuses people use to justify not doing things.  Just shut up, structure your workouts how you like, and break your ass at them.
  6. Your genetics are not your greatest limitation- your mind is.  Somatotyping is bullshit, and there's not a one of you who can honestly say has been bred from a long line of scrawny pussies incapable of gaining physical strength.  Humanity's not fallen that far, and I'd posit that the vast majority of physical and mental degeneration and devolution has occurred within the last two centuries.  As such, you only really have those to overcome.  What you do have to overcome is two centuries of liberal claptrap about equality and retarded gender wars that claim that men and women are alternately weak and useless as fuck. Ignore that shit and aim high.
  7. Get off at least three times a day.  I saw some idiot mention this on some message board or another as completely impossible without the use of exogenous testosterone, which made me laugh in horror.  If you can't manage to get off three times a day, check your fucking pulse, because you might be dead.  There are innumerable health benefits to hypersexuality, and you should grab that bull by the horns and fuck its mouth.
  8. For the love of all that's unholy, eat as much protein as you can.  Fuck Joe Weider and his high carb nonsense- if you eat like a caveman, you'll look like one.  Feel free to post all of the links you want about how Cro-Magnons and Neanderthals apparently ate grains- they ate MINUTE amounts of grains at best, and they sure as shit weren't eating the nonsense most people are stuffing down their throats.  Make half of your calories protein, and then keep your carbs and fats inversely proportional and you'll stay lean.
  9. Fight the fucking power and embody the Hellenic concept of kalokagathia.  No one wants to be around a mouth-breathing retard who looks good on the beach.  Well, no one who doesn't live in Jersey or Cali.  The Greeks believed that one should strive for a mind-body ideal where you'd develop both to achieve excellence.  Though they might have abandoned that shit entirely and embarked upon societal self-destruction the likes of which the world will probably never see again, it's time to resurrect that shit- they fought hard, lifted hard, fucked hard, and read hard.  That's what life's all about.  Nowadays, society doesn't want you doing any of that, because they don't want you to be pants-shittingly awesome.  Fuck all that- get awesome.
There you have it.  The workout templates I've posted are mere suggestions.  They're not gospel, they're not what I do on a daily basis, and they're not necessarily what I recommend.  Anyone I've given recommendations to can attest to the fact that I base program design (insofar as I do it) on one's goals, one's exercise favorites, and one's time constraints.  Even the dumbest motherfucker on Earth can list those three things and figure out a plan that will work for them, especially if they're spending all of their free time reading and eating meat.  

This isn't rocket surgery, people.  

37 comments :

  1. Hi Jamie, I'd like to know your take on this jogging thing, please. It would help me break a few pencil necks here.

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  2. Has anyone tried kangaroo meat? it is the pillar on which my diet is based now because 1) its cheap, 2) its lean as fuck and 3) it has the highest concentration of CLA out of any meat available. Tastes fine, and given a decent marinade doesnt even taste different to lamb. Also, seeing as its hunted rather than farmed, most brands are certified organic for you paleo sticklers. Is it available anywhere other than australia? becuase if its not it jolly well should be

    Also, i saw a guy doing turkish get-ups with an olympic bar yesterday, loaded with about 40kg. Anyone tried these? they look.....different

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  3. Holy shit, Joe, did you actually ask that question? Wow. Ask him what he thinks
    about squats next because I don't think he's ever mentioned that one either.

    I doubt if kangaroo meat would be available in North America. If it is it's
    probably expensive to the point that it wouldn't be worth buying.

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  4. i just did some more reading and apparently most of the kangaroos we kill are exported, so there is still hope.

    joe, a good routine to pair with your jogging involves lat raises. do at least 30 reps of very low weight. and suck ten dicks

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  5. Awesome post, this should compact your training principles for all the retards that lay awake worrying about how their program should be set up etc.

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  6. There's at least one ostrich farm in Scotland, not amazingly cheap meat but EU rules mean there's no such thing as cheap food in Europe.

    P.S. is that an an abercrombie tee? Poor show mister Lewis

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  7. Did you know that kangaroos can not fart? True story.

    Here's a completely unrelated and MacCharles-esque observation: have you ever noticed how when a morbidly obese woman walks into a burger joint she is always towing along some skinny-ass boyfriend? Seriously, every super fat chick is going out with a guy that looks like The Machinist. Also, when they order, she has the small jacket potato and he has the fucking triple quarter pounder burger with side orders all over the place. He practically doubles his bodyweight with that meal.

    KC

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  8. So, I guess this whole blog just comes down to some basic principles and personal denial & error. I'm gonna' hit the gym and make it look like like a tropical earthquake just blew through it. You guys just remember, what comes around is all around.

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  9. Hey, chill, fellas. Let's do some revision: what was the question? What's Jamie's take on jogging - not jogging champions, David Goggins or any a'those TABOO words, right?

    And let's recap this: Jamie's good in research, right? So, there's a probability that I'm referring to the science, non?

    Glen, he has mentioned squats, if you've been reading the blog like the old faithful you want to seem to be.

    Matt, I'm guessing you don't want to know the science that explains the detrimental effects of endless jogging. Suits you. Just get off my case.

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  10. 6. Reminds me a bumper plates. Old timers did olympic lifts with real metal. Now we got plastic/rubber thingies we just let fall to the floor after lifting them instead of a controlled descent.

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  11. Who gives a shit if you're doing olympic lifting with a slow controlled descent?

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  12. Dropping the weights is more fun anyway.

    Joe, shut the fuck up. Jogging and slow paced "cardio" in general has been
    mentioned more than once. Here, asshole:
    http://www.google.ca/#sclient=psy&hl=en&safe=off&rlz=1R2ACAW_enCA405&q=jogging%20detriments&rlz=1R2ACAW_enCA405&aq=&aqi=&aql=&oq=&gs_rfai=&pbx=1&fp=fb69082b1bf66b61&pf=p&pdl=500

    Now you can be "good at research" too, non? Anything else you want to recap?

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  13. How about squats?

    Why are you being petty?

    Thanks for the link, though. But don't assume everyone's read what you read.

    Let's recap your response. Read it and understand. Anything else you want to quote?

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  14. Glen, if you can't follow logic, just drop it. You're condescending by nature, so there's no point arguing.

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  15. You gave me a link on Google? I asked for Jamie's opinion. Jamie's research. Is that ok with you?

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  16. Joe, the joke was that Jamie's mentioned squats.

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  17. And the link was suggesting that you can find half of the shit Jamie would by googling something.

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  18. Guys like Overly Sensitive Joe here have trouble with comprehension and forming their own opinions. Google is useless to anyone who is only capable of linear thought because there are too many choices. That's why he hopes Jamie will do any and all research for him so he can tell him what to think. He's also under the impression that he'll earn online cool points if something he suggested gets made into a blog post.
    I like how these guys go on about logic when they're totally fucking clueless.

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  19. I received "The Super Athletes" in the mail today. Most copies are a fortune but I found one for £15 by pure chance before Christmas. I don't think the people selling it knew what they had. Jamie, I have only skimmed the book but I can already see how much influence it has had on your philosophy. This book is an absolute treasure. I'm not exaggerating when I say that I can open it at any random page and read the first sentence that my eyes fall upon and it will be about some freak of nature doing something wild animal crazy with a godlike amount of weight... Except for the chapters about tennis and rowing. Thankfully they're only about 10 pages long.

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  20. Yeah, that book is the unadulterated shit.

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  21. No kangaroos in Canada but i'd love to ride in the pouch.

    We gots tons of moose and deer makes for good hunting to fill up the freezer.

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  22. Joe, sorry if this is completely wrong, but it sounds to me like you have a raging crush on Jamie. If you read his wisdom on tanning as a warm up, you would know that he doesnt take it up the chuff.

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  23. Chaps, I'm a little worried. I have been painting my house today which required me to lift paint brushes and rollers in a lateral raise like fashion. This got pretty tiring and I'm concerned that it may have inadvertently resulted in me performing what amounts to an unfuctional "workout", if you will. I hope I have not ruined my recovery from my last shoulder session with this. If any of you know of a more functional way of painting my walls without resorting to conventional methods that resemble unfunctional gym exercises please let me know.

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  24. Dude, be careful not to overtrain your front delts.

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  25. I fuckin love it! Straight to the fuckin point with no side of bullshit! Just fuckin do work son & step the fuck away from the US Food fuckin Pyramid! I need to read this fuckin blog more often! Thanks for the fire you lit under my ass today I am gonna go throw a bunch of shit around now!

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  26. Kieran, squat on a platform without moving the arms to replace those unholy lat raise by a healthy movement.

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  27. Jamie... name that squirrel you just shit David Goggins

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  28. Must be Jamie's last post, seems as if a lot of you will be lost forever.

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  29. Yeah, you can easily read on his cellphone face that he's just about to hang himself up.

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  30. Haha. I'm a bit bored with spending 40 hours a week writing the blog, so I'm just cutting back on posting a bit. No need to panic.

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  31. if anyone is missing the more regular spurts of glory which jamie comes up with, never fear. at my gym, there is an old ex- rugby player who has recently bought himself a computer, and has started a blog. This guy is the real deal, barely makes a living and thrives on being one of the leanest strongest guys at UQ gym. he used to be homeless, and is one of the most hilarious people i have ever seen. well worth some time once he gets started www.lumberjackpirate.blogspot.com

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  32. New to your blog but totally and completely hooked!
    I'm adopting your commandments because they are fantastic!

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  33. Sweet! I've no idea why chicks read my blog, but it's cool to know that some do, haha.

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  34. Glen and Matt, very good linear thinking, you guys.

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  35. I was bored yesterday and read the new issue of Men's Health at my library. I was saddened to see a section regarding tips on how to "get it up" when having sex with your already naked wife.

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