Peanuts- Poisonous Protein-Packed Pellets Of Doom

Recently, Chaos and Pain started distributing product through Tiger Direct, and I'm going to be providing content to them once a month.  Since I already had this article partway written, I submitted it to them for publication.  Tragically, they're nerfing the shit out of my language, but this article is pretty badass and I want to spread the word about the evils of peanuts (apparently George Washington Carver wasn't the swell guy everyone seems to think), so you can read the un-nerfed beginning here and then follow the link to finish it.

Fuck peanuts.  Fuck peanuts in their stupid asses.

If there isn't anyone reading who has at some point been strapped for cash and has thus resorted to living on peanut butter sandwiches, I'm a Chinese jet pilot- we've all done it.  And having done so, I have bad news for the lot of us- peanuts are in fact poisonous, protein-packed pellets of doom, and they will give you cancer if you eat them frequently enough.  Seriously, peanuts appear to be only slightly less carcinogenic than radium and although they are tasty, you should think strongly about never eating them again.  Ever.

Saddam knew the awesome killing power of peanuts.

Scoff all you want, fuckface, but they're poisonous because they're packed clown-car style with aflatoxins.  Aflatoxins are hyper-poisonous carcinogens that come from fungi that grows on a variety of different foods ranging from corn to peanuts, and the shit is serious- though acute aflatoxin poisoning occurs about as often as Amy Shumer skips a meal, chronic, lower-level exposure is both difficult to identify and more insidious than body-snatching ghosts in shitty Canadian "horror" films.  No one's eating a pickup truck bed's worth of peanuts in a sitting, but you a  pretty damn likely to do so over the course of a lifetime, and that's where the problems arise.  Chronic exposure to aflatoxins is a problem you don't want to have- it leads to immunosuppression, cirrhosis, and liver cancer (Hardick). 

Less lethal than peanuts.

Wait, it gets even better!  Of the 20 different aflatoxins, aflatoxin B1 is considered to be by far the worst, and guess where it's most prevalent?  You guessed it- peanuts.  According to the ever-helpful Wikipedia, aflatoxin B1 "is highly implicated in hepatocellular carcinoma [a type of liver cancer that usually only occurs in people with chronic liver disease or cirrosis] in humans" and it "also been shown to be mutagenic [it alters your fucking DNA], teratogenic [turns fetuses into unspeakable horrors or miscarriages], and to cause immunosuppression" in animals (Wikipedia).   Oh yeah, aflatoxins can do more damage than Michael Meyers on bath salts, viagra and cheque drops in a sorority house.  Check out this list of bodily functions aflatoxins [read: peanuts] can mangle (Lee):

• Respiratory: Pulmonary edema, cancer
• Cardiovascular: Heart inflammation
• Neurological: Reduced oxygen flow, headache, neuron death, encephalopathy, impaired memory, insomnia, disorientation, loss of coordination; tumors in both central and peripheral nervous system
• Gastrointestinal: Liver damage, liver cancer, vital hepatitis, parasite infestation
• Urinary: Kidney damage and tumors
• Reproductive and Developmental: infertility, teratogenic, abnormal growth and development in children
• Endocrine: Tumors and cancer
• Blood: Blood and bone cancers
• Immune: Immunosuppression, autoimmune reactions and allergies
• Other: Mitochondrial malfunction, interference with protein and RNA synthesis, apoptosis (cell death)

Want to find out the rest of the story?  Check it out at Tiger Direct's site.  A new Movies, Music, and Books blog will be dropping presently.