20 October 2014

Stew-Roids: Arm-Wrasslin' Hillbilly Style

Though it's rare I'll take any cues in life from people 1) missing teeth, 2) wearing hunting camo, or 3) with NRA stickers on their car, there is something to be said for occasionally stealing a page from the hardy, uneducated weirdo one finds on and around mountains in the backwoods of any country.  I would venture to guess that exceptions exist, but at least in the United States (and possibly Canada), one can find all sorts of toothless, hard-drinking, foul-mouthed hardasses who will as soon eat roadkill as threaten a foreigner with a firearm, and who likely has more knowledge on surviving and thriving in conditions most of us would consider deplorable.

Such, apparently, is how life goes in the Ozarks, which are mountains located in the ass end of... actually, none of you should ever go there, so it doesn't matter where they are.  Let's just say they span states most Americans can't find on a map, and is squarely located in the banjo-music filled hell on Earth known as the American Bible Belt, so named because although they've never read the fucking book, the people there are happy to yell about it and Jesus until one of you stabs the other.  If you think I'm exaggerating, I'm not- the Beverly Hillbillies were based on Ozark culture, except that given that the Ozarks were a bastion of rough-and-tumble fighting, imagine the Hillbillies horribly disfigured, sporting filed teeth (all the better to chew off noses) and incredibly prone to random acts of mayhem (Wikipedia).

Though the modern people of the Ozarks mostly just seem to be content to yell about Jesus, speak in tongues, and shoot small animals rather than gouge out each others' eyes and chew off noses, they do have a thriving strength sports culture, and small, informal arm wrestling competitions are the norm in local bars.  That, then would provide both the historical background and modern day evidence one might want for perhaps investigating the local fare, which of course consists of a great deal of game meat and stew.  One of the most popular dishes in the area, and one about which celebrity chef Anthony Bourdain raved, stating it was probably the best drunk food he's ever eaten, is Ozark Chili, otherwise known as Spaghetti Red.

You can go two ways with this dish, as you're about to see.  If you just want hearty, meaty fare that's as keto as gnawing on your next door neighbor's arm and heavy enough in calories to fuel brutal workouts, skip the noodles.  If you want a recipe that's going to put meat on your bones, rescue you from the clutches of a hangover, or serve as a preworkout meal for some drunken armwrestling, add the noodles- just add a cup of cooked spaghetti for every pound of meat in the chili, mix it all together before plating it, and serve.  And although I have no idea why someone would add some of these things to chili (Anthony Bourdain was similarly horrified), Spaghetti Red is typically served with hot sauce, vinegar, ketchup, onions, pickles, shredded cheddar cheese, parmesan cheese, and mustard.  Add those if and when you dare.

Ozark Mountain Chili

3 medium onions, chopped 
6 cloves garlic, minced 
1/2 lb bacon, cut into pieces 
2 0z Gebhardt's chili powder 
1/2 oz dark chili powder
3 lb chuck roast, cubed red pepper to taste 
1 can beef broth 
1 lb hot pork sausage 
1 can green chilies, minced 
1tbsp crushed red pepper
1/2 tsp dried habenero chilies 
1 tsp cumin 
1/2 tsp coriander 
1 can tomato sauce 
1 can Rotel diced tomatoes and green chilies
1/2 cup oregano tea (1 tsp oregano steeped in hot water 30 minutes) 
1 tbs salt 
4 drops Tabasco sauce

  1. Fry bacon until crisp, then add onions, garlic, and both kinds of chili powder. Saute until onions are clear.  
  2. Brown beef in large skillet, a pound at a time, adding sprinkles of red pepper while browning. Add some broth to pan to keep meat from sticking.  Add each batch to crock pot after browning and stir. 
  3. Brown sausage with minced green chilies, then add habeneros when sausage is just about brown. 
  4. Add spices, tomato sauce, Rotel tomatoes, and remaining broth. Mix well and cook for 30 minutes in crock pot on high. 
  5. Add oregano tea and Tabasco. 
  6. Cook on low for 15 more minutes and serve.

Adding three cups of cooked spaghetti to this belly bomb will net you another 884 calories, 5.2g fat, 172g of carbs, and 32 grams of protein... making this one of the most brutal, well-balanced weight gaining recipes I've ever seen.

So, go get your hillybilly on and start packing on that mass... just try to avoid eye-gouging.

Gouging.  Wikipedia.  Web.  20 Oct 2014.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gouging_(fighting_style)

Ozark Mountain Chili.  ChiliCookin.com.  Web.  20 Oct 2014.  http://www.chilicookin.com/Recipes/Web/OzarkMtn.htm  

Spaghetti Red.  Wikipedia.  Web.  20 Oct 2014.  http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spaghetti_Red


  1. I always thought the nutcases who speak in tongues and stuff like that would be good at steel-bending and stuff with a high pain threshold.

  2. Ahh those were men of grosser blood, full of testosterone and moonshine. Unfortunately having once watched 'Here Comes Honney Boo Boo', whenever I hear about hillbillies I picture that henpecked toothless cunt who married the fat, farting mess from the show.

    1. Honey boo boos a real show? I thought south park made it up... I think I preferred it when I thought that.

  3. This looks awesome, so tired of wings and ribs. More shit like this please bro!

    1. Or how about more shit like this, erm, 'bro'...


  4. Very rare video of Bob Peoples deadlifting.


  5. Make steroids out of the fatties and Feed the Hillbillies. No more fatties and no more hunger/poverty from the over abundance of free food..

  6. http://m.ebay.co.uk/itm/231065090375?nav=SEARCH

    Thinking of getting some of this shit as a pre workout cologne. Has anyone else tried it, does it work?

  7. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=XEqA84R0lYU

  8. Jamie, it's been a while since you hinted at being some sort of Nordicist, why not post some Nazi porn in your next blog?

  9. http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=iIIuR-HjFho