15 May 2014

Holy Keto! #2- Meatballs, Asshole-Searing Condiments, and Delicious, Delicious Cheesecake

Want a 500 lb bench?  Train five hours a day and eat 6-8 lbs of horsemeat a day and you're solid.

I never fail to be astonished by the bland bullshit that people will force themselves to eat while dieting, as if eating food that tastes like wallpaper paste is some sort of penance for allowing yourself to get fat in the offseason.  Bodybuilders are the worst of the offenders on this, and the bodybuilders of the 1980s took their flavorlessness in contest preparation so seriously that guys would diet on unseasoned chicken breasts for 16 weeks.  I cannot imagine what manner of negative metabolic trickery they think is at play when they add cumin and coriander to their food, but then again, I highly doubt any of them ever really thought that shit through- evil, fat-assed, level 75 Draenei Shaman don't live inside cumin molecules, ever vigilant for the unwary dieter who dusts his or her meat with that delicious spice.  If anything, there are tiny, shredded Forsaken Death Knights inhabiting the various spices ready to hack any adipose tissue to fucking bits while gently masturbating any inflamed tissue with all of the dexterity of a Russian mail order bride.

FACT: Krog the Deathfist got his name from fisting adipocytes to death.

Just as science has supported my assertion that eating meat off the bone increases your primal instincts and aggression (Wansink), so does it support my inclusion of spices into everything I eat.  Cumin and black pepper, for instance, inhibit carcinogenesis (Nalini), and cumin on its own improves memory, metabolism, blood sugar, reduces inflammation, and lowers stress (Mercola).  Other spices I regularly use (and employ in the following recipes) have the following badass properties, in addition to making your food taste like it's fit for human consumption:
  • garlic "exhibits hypolipidemic, antiplatelet, and procirculatory effects," "prevents cold and flu symptoms through immune enhancement," "demonstrates anticancer and chemopreventive activities," and "aged garlic extract possesses hepatoprotective, neuroprotective, antioxidative activities" (Amagase)
  • cinnamon lowers blood sugar (Mercola) 
  • cardamon reduces inflammation (Majdalawieh)
  • allspice has antibacterial properties (Du)
  • coriander has axiolytic and antidepressant effects (Cioanca)
  • nutmeg has psychoactive effects (Carstairs) and pain reduction /anti-neuropathy properties (Motilal)
  • turmeric is so good for you it almost seems impossible people don't put it on everything.  It's nutrient-rich, anti-cancer, anti-inflammatory, anti-leukemia, anti-cystic fibrosis, improves liver function, heart health, protects against neurodegeneration, and anti-Alzheimers (Turmeric)
  • capsaicin, the shit that makes peppers spicy, improves mood, reduces pain, reduces inflammation, reduces itching, and has cancer-fighting properties (Carollo)
  • cloves have anti-inflammatory and anti-cancer properties (Khuda-Bukhsh)
The seasonings that went into my last batch of schwarama and harissa sauce.

Many of the aforementioned spices are in the seasonings I use on meats, as I did in the schwarma recipe I posted in the last installment of this series.  Typically, I will either use the spice mixture I listed for schwarama, use a mix of Bad Byron's Butt Rub, cumin, garlic, coriander, and chipotle or ancho chili pepper on beef or pork ribs, or make steak seasoned with either Adobo with Pepper, Badia Complete Seasoning, or SambaFlavor Chimichurri seasoning.  Then, I either use one of the sauces I posted earlier or one of the following as a finisher.  You can see, then, why I view with horror anyone who simply diets on food that involve Mrs. Dash or taste of cardboard, failure, and laziness.

I didn't get a pic of the sauce I made, but it essentially looked like this.

The Official Chaos and Pain Blowtorch To The Asshole Chili Paste
Prior to the 1970s, Chinese food in the United States typically took the hardcore, spicy form of Sichuan cuisine, rather than the more bland offerings of China's norther regions.  As America lost its balls, so too it lost its taste for spicy food, and interest in Sichuanese food waned in deference to the milder Mandarin fare.  As we have discussed at some length, however, only bland people like bland food, and if you're not a baby, elderly, suffering from one of the many pants-shitting disease that seem to plague women constantly, or the type of omega bitch that looks longingly at betas as aspirational men, you like your food as spicy as you can make it.  It's for this reason I tried my hand at Sichuan Chili Oil, which tastes fucking awesome on just about anything, and makes any noodle dish probably the greatest food you've ever eaten.  This being all about keto condiments, however, this sauce is badass on just about anything, and went quite well with the meatball recipe that follows.

10 Tien tsin dried chilis
2 tbsp garlic paste
1-2 tbsp broad bean paste
1 1/2-2 tbsp rice vinegar
2 tbsp vegetable oil or olive oil


  1. Soak chilis in cup of warm water. 
  2. Slice chilis into thin strips.
  3. Saute chilis on low in pan with 1tbsp of oil.
  4. Put chilis into blender or food processor to smash with 2 tsp garlic paste, 1-2 tbsp of broad bean paste, and rice vinegar.
  5. Dump other tablespoon of vegetable oil into small glass jar for the paste, then add paste.  The oil in the jar acts as a suspension to keep the paste from drying out.
  6. Keep in cool dry place

Chinese Chicken Meatballs
I love the shit out of meatballs, and am constantly tinkering with recipes for meatballs to see what I can pull off.  For those of you who don't know, I was an East Asian Studies/History double major in my undergrad, and spent a couple of months in China in 1998.  During that time, I developed a pretty staunch appreciation for authentic Chinese cuisine, and while I wouldn't consider myself an expert on it by any means, I think I managed to keep the cultural integrity of their meatballs while adapting it for a keto diet, as the Chinese seem to love to throw sugar into everything.  The sauce I've added here is more of a sweet/savory flavor, and is really fucking tasty when accompanied by the chili oil I made above.


Dipping Sauce
1 teaspoon  coriander
1 spring onions, chopped fine
5 garlic cloves, chopped fine
1 tablespoon sriracha
2 tablespoons lemon juice
2 tablespoons soy sauce
1 teaspoon sesame oil
2 packets of Splenda

1 lb ground chicken
3 tablespoons Thai fish sauce
4 spring onions, chopped fine
3 garlic cloves,
2 teaspoons pureed lemongrass,
1 teaspoon corn starch
1 tablespoon chopped fresh mint
2 tablespoons coriander
Salt and black pepper to taste
1 egg
1 tablespoon oil (in the pan, not in the mix)

It really couldn't be easier to make meatballs, so it seems silly to drag this out by going into great detail.  Combine the ingredients for the sauce and stir the shit out of it.  Then, combine the ingredients for the meatballs and knead the fuck out of the meat until everything is evenly mixed/distributed.  Then, pour a tablespoon of oil into a pan, preheating the oil at medium-high, and pan fry the meatballs until they're cooked through, flipping reasonably frequently to prevent them from burning.

Harissa Sauce
As much as I love zhug, I decided to try a similar sauce with a different recipe to see how it would turn out, and I was in no way disappointed- this is some of the best sauce I've ever had in my life, bar none.  Harissa is a Tunisian sauce used to top meat, fish stew, or couscous, and they even eat it with their breakfast.  I made it with the intention of using it as a dip for Turkish pizza, lahmacun, and subsequently decided it'd work fucking amzingly on just about anything.  This shit is basically the Batman of condiments- you can use it to beat the shit out of just about anything and it will toe the line thereafter, be it an old rubber inner tube or chicken wings.  Though I've not made harissa chicken wings, I intend to, using this recipe- feel free to get the jump on me and let me know what you think.

10-12 dried red chili peppers (I used an equal number of Chile de Arbol and New Mexico Hot Chilis)
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 teaspoon salt
2 tablespoons olive oil
1 teaspoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground caraway seeds
1/2 teaspoon cumin


  1. Soak the dried chilies in hot water for 30 minutes. Drain. Remove stems and seeds.
  2. In a food processor combine chili peppers, garlic, salt, and olive oil. Blend.
  3. Add remaining spices and blend to form a smooth paste.
  4. Store in airtight container. Drizzle a small amount of olive oil on top to keep fresh. Will keep for a month in the refrigerator.

I mixed this stuff into schwarma meat and loved it more than I could possibly love a dead baby stuffed with thousand dollar bills.

Kofta Kebabs
Kofta are ubiquitous in every pissed-off backwater in the Middle East and South Asia and seem to be the staple food of any group of people who ever wanted to start some shit for no reason.  Like all meat on a stick, it's serious ass-kicking food- any food that leaves you with a sharpened stick you can drive through the eye of the guy standing next to you just because it's Tuesday has to be.  Whichever angry swarthy person is making it, be they Iranian, Middle Eastern, Indian, or Balkan, the word means the same thing- meatball or meatloaf.  Though each people of the region has their own take, they're all similar- balls of ground meat mixed with spices and/or onions. According to Wikipedia, koftas are usually made of lamb, beef, mutton or chicken, in India, Turkey and Iran, whereas Greeks and Cypriots make them with beef, veal, or pork.  Since my only exposure to them in the real world was of the Turkish variety, I decided to go with those.

4 cloves garlic, minced
1 teaspoon kosher salt
1 pound ground lamb, beef, or mix thereof
3 tablespoons grated onion
3 tablespoons chopped fresh parsley
4 sprigs mint
1 tablespoon ground coriander
1 teaspoon ground cumin
1/2 tablespoon ground cinnamon
1/2 teaspoon ground allspice
1/4 teaspoon cayenne pepper
1/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground black pepper
28 bamboo skewers, soaked in water for 30 minutes


  1. Mash the garlic into a paste with the salt using a mortar and pestle, the flat side of a chef's knife on your cutting board, or a food processor. 
  2. In a mixing bowl, mix the garlic into the meat with the onion, parsley, coriander, cumin, cinnamon, allspice, cayenne pepper, ginger, and pepper in a mixing bowl. 
  3. With that mass of meat, make 28 balls formed around the skewers, and flattening into a thin, 2 inch wide oval. 
  4. Place the kebabs onto a baking sheet, cover, and refrigerate at least 30 minutes.
  5. Preheat an outdoor grill for medium heat, and lightly oil grate.  I used an indoor grill plate from Ikea, which worked well- the grill isn't strictly necessary.  You can also cook them in the oven, apparently- preheat the oven to about 400 degrees Fahrenheit and cook them on aluminum foil.
  6. Cook the skewers on the preheated grill, turning occasionally, until the meat has cooked to your satisfaction.
These things go amazingly with the harissa sauce, and I highly recommend you try them with it.  Zhug would also work, as would Tzatziki or Tzatziki mixed with Harissa.  

Mojo de Ajo
Mojo de Ajo is essentially garlic gravy, or if one cares to quibble like they're on the losing end of a futile and ultimately retarded argument on an internet message board, a garlic-and-pepper infused olive oil, and one which can be used to top just about anything.  Personally, I use it in conjunction with chimmichurri on steak sandwiches to add heat, but it's great on steak, chicken, and probably vegetables if you're the type of person who goes in for that sort of nonsense.  This stuff is found in virtually every cuisine south of the Texan border, and it deserves wider recognition than that, because it tastes like what you'd expect an Italian porn star's vagina to taste like- garlicky heaven.

1 can chipotle chili peppers
1 1/2 cups extra-virgin olive oil
1 1/2 cups chopped garlic
1/2 cup lime or lemon juice
1 teaspoon salt

Though the original recipe for this suggested there was no need to waste time chopping the garlic and just suggested mashing it after cooking it, I enjoy dicing garlic and prefer it diced to mashed.  You can really go with either method- leave them whole or dice them, then a Pyrex baking dish with the salt and oil. Cook this in the oven at 325 degrees for about an hour, then add the lemon/lime juice, and put it back in the oven for another 25 mins or until golden brown.

CNP Keto Cheesecake
If there's anything better to eat than cheesecake, I am unaware of its existence.  Not only is it keto, it's jammed with the kind of calories that make your dick stand on end and declare to the world that your inner Viking is prepared to storm a beach, burn a village, and abscond with some women.  This cheesecake comes out at about 72g of carbs for this recipe, in total, so provided you can restrain yourself somewhat, you can slam back some creamy deliciousness nightly with naught but anabolism as a result, even while keto dieting like a lunatic.  I'll caution you guys that as a single male, I don't own a springform pan, and that buying one would make this recipe all that much better, as the cheesecake was a little thin and dry in two separate pie tins.  Nevertheless, thin and dry cheesecake is still a hell of a lot better than no cheesecake at all, and you can always make some sugar free whipped cream or snag some Walden Farms Chocolate Syrup as a topping if you have to go the single-man-with-no-springform-pans route.

4 bricks of cream cheese
4 eggs
2 tablespoons of Half and Half
1/2 tsp lemon juice
1tsp vanilla extract
1/2 cup sour cream
1/2 cup Splenda
Nonstick spray or butter

  1. Ensure everything is room temperature, including eggs.  Let sit on counter.
  2. Blend cream cheese until smooth.
  3. Beat in Splenda a tablespoon at a time.
  4. Beat in eggs one at a time, scraping down the bowl after each egg.
  5. Stir Half and Half
  6. Stir in vanilla extract and lemon juice
  7. Beat in sour cream slowly
  8. Scrape the sides and fold in
  9. Place in large springform pan or 2 9" pie plates rubbed down very liberally with butter or sprayed with nonstick spray
  10. Boil water and put cheesecake in a 9x13 Pyrex dish, fill dish to 1/4" and bake in the water bath at 350 degrees for an hour.
  11. Don't open oven while baking.  Should be slightly brown on top.  
  12. After an hour, do toothpick insert.
  13. Cool on counter for an hour, then refrigerate.
And there you have it- more awesomeness to drag you away from whatever godawful diet drudgery to which you might have consigned yourself, because life's too short to eat dry-as-fuck chicken breasts.

Speaking of breasts...

Amagase H.  Clarifying the Real Bioactive Constituents of Garlic.  J. Nutr. 2006 Mar;136(3):716-725.

Carollo, Kim.  The World's Hottest Pepper: Brings Pleasure and Pain Relief.  ABC News.  20 Feb 2012.  Web.  15 May 2014.  http://abcnews.go.com/Health/capsaicin-ingredient-hot-peppers-offers-medical-benefits/story?id=15727011

Carstairs SD, Cantrell FL.  The spice of life: an analysis of nutmeg exposures in California.  Clin Toxicol (Phila). 2011 Mar;49(3):177-80.

Cioanca O, Hritcu L, Mihasan M, Trifan A, Hancianu M.  Inhalation of coriander volatile oil increased anxiolytic-antidepressant-like behaviors and decreased oxidative status in beta-amyloid (1-42) rat model of Alzheimer's disease.  Physiol Behav. 2014 Apr 18;131C:68-74

Du WX, Olsen CW, Avena-Bustillos RJ, McHugh TH, Levin CE, Mandrell R, Friedman M.  Antibacterial effects of allspice, garlic, and oregano essential oils in tomato films determined by overlay and vapor-phase methods. J Food Sci. 2009 Sep;74(7):M390-7. 

Khuda-Bukhsh AR, Das S, Saha SK.  Molecular approaches toward targeted cancer prevention with some food plants and their products: inflammatory and other signal pathways.  Nutr Cancer. 2014;66(2):194-205.

Majdalawieh AF, Carr RI. In Vitro Investigation of the Potential Immunomodulatory and Anti-Cancer Activities of Black Pepper (Piper nigrum) and Cardamom (Elettaria cardamomum).  J Med Food.  2010 Apr;13(2): 371-381. 

Motilal S, Maharaj RG.  Nutmeg extracts for painful diabetic neuropathy: a randomized, double-blind, controlled study.  J Altern Complement Med. 2013 Apr;19(4):347-52.

Nalini N, Manju V, Menon VP.  Effect of spices on lipid metabolism in 1,2-dimethylhydrazine-induced rat colon carcinogenesis.  J Med Food.  2006 Sum;9(2):237-45.

Turmeric.  World's Healthiest Foods.  Web.  15 May 2014.  http://www.whfoods.com/genpage.php?tname=foodspice&dbid=78

Two Grams of this Cumin Spice Lowered Blood Sugar by a Whopping 62 mg/dl.  Mercola.  17 Aug 2011.  Web.  15 May 2014.  http://articles.mercola.com/sites/articles/archive/2011/08/17/this-kitchen-spice-doubles-as-a-memory-booster-and-stress-reliever.aspx

Wansinka B, Zampollob F,Campsc G, Shimizud M.  Biting versus chewing: Eating style and social aggression in children.  Eating Beh.  2014 Apr;15(2):311-313.


  1. For the cheesecake there is no amount mentioned for splenda

    1. Its worth experimenting with stevia, having made similar cheesecakes I've used recipes and substituted 85% percent of splenda with stevia to give the recipes a more well rounded taste.

  2. Warcraft references ftw.. could you possiblg post the macros to these recipies.

    1. I actually haven't calculated the macros, but the only thing with carbs in it is the cheesecake.

  3. Cinnamon is so fucking good. Anything turmeric is used in just add some cumin or garam masala and it will turn out major win.

    Off topic, I'd love to see a blog post where you quote your training oriented posts from years ago in a self-debate manner and discuss any changes in your philosophical/concrete approach to training. Kind of like a CnP 5 years in review. The intention not being "Here's what changed boys!!" but more a review of your old stuff and seeing if there were any ideas that have just naturally shifted. Including shit you might have learned from taking on and working with clients as well.

    1. Interesting idea. Ill bust that out for you soon.

    2. i would read the fuck out of that

  4. Good to see another kebab mention, but even as meatballs chicken still seems kind of gay.

  5. I'm in for a every-other-week training log and a monthly Keto-Dieting article!

    This article is why I come here (including the final picture, you have great taste in women!)

    1. Haha. I've got the our four articles 3/4 finished, but couldn't find the interest to close them out. There will be a flood of articles dropping shortly. And in re Emily vee, if someone didn't love that broad, they're headed to the camps. If she was any hotter, global warming would be the last of our worries, because wed all be on fire.

  6. I fucking love Harissa. I spent a year learning to make Greek and North African food, and when I frist looked at the recipe I was like "Caraway? That's fucking weird." But I love that shit, and it's a staple home-made hot sauce for me along with Vietnamese Chili oil with lemongrass and garlic.

    1. Ill have to look into that chili oil. Sounds awesome.

    2. It's from this woman's book, and is very similar to receipe she posts here: http://vietworldkitchen.typepad.com/blog/2007/07/lemongrass-chil.html

  7. Awesome, as usual. I've used Thai fish sauce before (in stir-fry) and it smells like fucking shit (adds awesome flavor though). Do the meatballs give off that day-old-vomit-in-a-trash-can fish sauce smell? I may just sub in tamari/soy sauce........

    So, are you going to do a Baddest Motherfuckers Ever on Aleksandr Karelin?

    1. Nope, and I have yet to find much of anything useful on his training methods.

  8. You keep pulling out the beasts from the golden age! I knew that muthafucka Serge did a full on snatch grip, but had no idea he hit 500.

    1. Yeah- he hit crazy numbers on all kinds of stuff. I'll post about his training at some point soon.

  9. You would probably like the Cambodian Kampot pepper dipping sauce as another alternative - http://maknao.wordpress.com/2010/06/28/cambodian%C2%A0black%C2%A0pepper%C2%A0dip/ - they have a decent version there (ditch the sugar - it isn't necessary).

    Basically you want to get Kampot black pepper (it's far spicier than the regular shit you find on supermarket shelves), grind the fuck out of it with some salt, then add lime juice. BBQ some meat and dip it in there. It's also fucking awesome on crab and any sort of crustacean you can boil or burn.

    1. That sounds pretty awesome. Thanks!

    2. Fish sauce is a decent replacement for the salt too.

  10. Just read nutritional psycho and even if I don't agree with everything according to the gospel of Jamie Lewis I have to admit he's good.

    Anyway, one thing, somewhere in the bok it says something like the carb up is necessary cos the fast twitch fibres need glycogen and training is going to be subpar without the carbs,

    Yesterday I got this sent to me

    " When working with clients to determine their macro-nutrient profile, Steve, I employ a rather complex mathematical algorithm:
    Are you fat?
    If yes, no carbs
    If no, are you at your desired body fat percentage?
    If yes, no carbs
    If no, no carbs"

    Anyway, got me thinking, is Jamie right, carbs do have a necessary role for lifters, or is this lad right, carbs offer nothing of value.

    Plus, food for thought...
    "Keto-adaptation requires staying in nutritional ketosis at all times and does not allow for carb cycling or cheat meals. This makes it unsustainable to many but the most determined, but that is not the fault of the diet but reflects more on the choices made by the individual exercising their freedom to live as they wish.

    Keto-adaptation for athletics requires total commitment, each "cheat" meal can set you back days or a week. In the end you will find it easier to simply not cheat if your pursuit of relentless perfection in performance is your goal.

    Consistency and commitment, nothing less, is required on the predator diet. It is the diet of quiet warriors who find virtue in stoicism and willingness to love the person they are becoming enough not to betray them with an indulgence today.

    To successfully keto-adapt you must decide and commit to ending food as a source of pleasure and seeing it instead as a source of fuel. You cannot cycle carbs, it is simply not an option. We are not out to become the next Mr. Olympia (although there is no reason not to try), we are out to reunite with our predator heritage and become the alpha-pack hunter species on the planet we evolved to be."

    Now I am thinking of giving up the cheat meal for a few weeks to see for myself what the effect is, but up to now I cannot really say who is right. Most sources seem to support Jamie, but I am curious enough to experiment with a few weeks of almost no carbs.

    1. I generally avoid draconian rules and hyper-strict policies- they invariably lead to failure. Additionally, I've presented plenty of evidence to support my dietary recommendations, and stoics are fucking retards. The only people who have to constrain themselves with stoicism are people who lack strength of character and self-control, so they divest themselves of all temptations because their bitch asses can't tolerate the presence of they things they wish to deny themselves but cannot. Past that, here's some more information on cyclical ketogenic diets: http://www.simplyshredded.com/research-review-an-in-depth-look-into-carbing-up-on-the-cyclical-ketogenic-diet-with-lyle-mcdonald.html

      And a study supporting the value of the carbup: http://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/pii/002604959090049I

      In short- if you're a such a fucking bitch you can't control yourself when you apply cheat meals, run long ketogenic diets. You'll break eventually, and then you'll feel like you failed to achieve your inner caveman or whatever idiocy issues forth from the minds of dogmatic simpletons and passes for prose these days.

  11. I did three weeks then a huge carb up.

    I wonder what are the long term effects of big carb ups. I mean, 1/2 a kilo of glucose and other carbs in a day is pretty extreme.

    Makes me think that maybe rapid progress on the weights is not worth it if you need to consume carbs like that. Maybe better, especially after building a substantial amount of mass, accept the slow progress aand health benefits of a keto diet. I really lack the knowledge to decide. I mean, if all you have to do is stay lean, low bidy fat, that can be done on a CKD like the APD, but if big carb ups themselves are going to fuck you up eventually, then its back to the drawing board. More research is required, as the BMJ frequently says.

    Meanwhile, confirming the CnP perspective of impending if not actual apocalypse...


  12. There is a chance you're qualified to get a free $250 IKEA Gift Card.