Chaos And Pain Reads Shit So You Don't Have To, Mar 2014 Part 1

I will confess this is not a new idea- some dude used to do this on T-Nation periodically.  He did not however, view bodybuilding/training rags as I do- as a Cliff's Notes for training and nutrition journals.  Instead, he just skimmed the mags and provided a bird's eye view into what was doing in those mags.  Despite the invalid criticisms that are sure to pour forth in the comments on this article,  I know for a fact there is value in bodybuilding magazines and intend to cram it down your fucking throats in a super-concise synopsis of useful information.  Yeah, they might just be a means by which advertisers can sell you shit you don't need and a bunch of pictures of sloots wearing too many clothes and dudes generally wearing shit that would only be appropriate in a gay pride parade, but there are kernels of wisdom inside.

You know what? If you guys don't think you can learn something from guys like Sergio Oliva, just ring your call button and Tommy will come back there and hit you on the head with a tack hammer because you're a retard.

Thus, I read The Box, Flex, Muscle & Fitness, Musclemag, Planet Muscle, and Muscular Development to bring you the best the fitness and bodybuilding worlds have to offer without any of the nonsense.  In addition, because I now that in spite of the fact that I am simply recounting what I discovered in these magazines, the intellectually lazy, shit-sipping frittatas of the internet will likely skim the fuck out of this and accuse me of promoting broscience or somesuch ridiculousness because they're too lazy and stupid to use the google machine to find the studies.  As such, I did so for you, because the one thing internet fame has taught me is that the only thing more common than pussies talking shit on the internet is lazy, stupid pussies accusing people far better educated and stronger than they are of "broscience", because it's one of the few words they can spell correctly.

[Edit: This thing ran incredibly long, and you will note the two really fucked up photos in the Musclemag section when I was running out of steam and went a little off the deep end.  Just read the fucking thing anyway, because there's good shit in here.  I chopped it into two parts and the fucker's still long, so this is The Box, Muscle & Fitness, Musclemag, and Planet Muscle, and part 2 will be Muscular Development and Flex.]

The Box Mar/Apr 2014
Crossfit’s premier magazine, the Box purports to be “Evidence that CrossFitters do it better.”  In reality, it's a pretty shitty magazine with very little in the way of training advice, a couple of paleo hacks, and a lot of articles about why CrossFit is cooler than sex with your favorite porn star atop the back of a unicorn that is fucking a unicorn in a field of lotus flowers while hopped up on Viagra and molly.  I've seen less braggadocio out of an Italian after Rocky 5 in downtown Philly, and I'll assure that the guido's braggadocio was likely more warranted. Nevertheless, here's the useful shit from The Box:

Yoga is better for active recovery than just about anything, save for possibly sex with another CrossFitter.
“Researchers at the University of Oslo, Norway, drew blood from 10 yoga practitioners before and after a session.  They found that yoga caused 111 genes to wake up, while walking and music-driven relaxation only turned on 38.  Because some of the same genes were affected, scientists hypothesize that yoga, exercise, and relaxation affect some of the same processes but that yoga’s impact on the body is more widespread.”

Qu S, Olafsrud SM, Meza-Zepeda LA, Saatcioglu F.  Rapid gene expression changes in peripheral blood lymphocytes upon practice of a comprehensive yoga program.  PLoS One. 2013 Apr 17;8(4):e61910.

FACT: Star Wars fans consume more creatine than Star Trek fans.

Creatine can make you smarter.
Here’s one I didn’t know- researchers have found that suboptimal levels of creatine negatively impact cognitive performance, and that creatine supplementation can improve cognition.

This isn't the study they were citing, as I couldn't find a recent one about this topic, but here's one on the subject: Ling J, Kritikos M, Tiplady B.  Cognitive effects of creatine ethyl ester supplementation.  Behav Pharmacol. 2009 Dec;20(8):673-9.

Even paleo chicks go batshit if you tell them they can't have muffins.

Finally!  Someone proposes paleo flour alternatives that are not completely retarded.
This is usually a massive point of contention for me, because flour and paleo don’t belong in the same conversation.  Most baked “paleo” recipes are bullshit, as they use arrowroot flour, which is entirely comprised of carbohydrates and in no way compares to a Paleolithic tuber.  Surprisingly, The Box points this out and recommends:

• coconut flour, which has 1 gram of protein and 2 grams of fiber for every three grams of carbohydrates 
• almond flour 
• tapioca flour, though it mentions that tapioca is similar to arrowroot in its un-paleo nature.

Keep calling CrossFitters pussies, guys.  You'll keep looking like a pack of jealous fucking retards.

CrossFit isn't going to injure the fuck out of you any more than high school soccer would.
Only one small study has been conducted on CrossFit injury rates, and it showed a rate of 3.1 injuries per 1,000 training hours, which is similar to those reported for Olympic weightlifting and powerlifting.

• rhabdo is the participant’s fault, not the sport’s.  “Rhabdomyolosis is the result of inappropriately applied intensity.  It’s simple: Someone did not gauge and manage intensity correctly; the athlete did not slow down or stop when he she should have.”

Also, there was a full page article detailing all of the reasons CrossFitters are better lays than everyone else on Earth.  It was, as you can imagine, pompous and generally retarded.

Muscle and Fitness Apr 2014
Interestingly, Muscle and Fitness, one of the mainstays of the bodybuilding magazine industry, has pretty much thrown in the towel on bodybuilding and strength training.  Instead, they’re switching to a more “fitness” oriented magazine that caters to the CrossFit/reddit's r/fitness/Men's Fitness crowd and turning their back on their former core demographic.  Additionally, what used to be my one monthly magazine purchase (when I was in high school, before you maniacs get overexcited) basically just shills for supplement companies and has no substance now.  While I find this appalling, I highly doubt anyone else gives two shits, so here's what they included in this month's "new" M&F:

John Cena is a sweetiepie.

• Cena's apparently the nicest person in the world- He is the only celebrity to break the 400 wish mark for the Make a Wish Foundation.
• Cena currently benches 481 and is on the cusp of 500, in spite of the fact he tore his tricep completely in August.  When asked what his secret was, he said that max effort overhead presses are the best bench accessory.
• Wears Adidas Powerlift 2.0 shoes, which I know is a rally important anecdote for the internet gym warriors.
• Is not a terribly good squatter- he's only hitting 5x5x495.
• Eats clean 6 days a week and faces doughnuts all day the 7th.

Bruce Lee loved the fuck out of circuit training too, but he still went heavy from time to time... someone might want to alert the editors at the Weider headquarters. 

M&F loves circuit training.  
And I mean they love it.  Every fucking program in this issue was a circuit, save for Cena's program.

Planet Muscle Feb 2014
I'm sure many of you have never heard of this magazine or seen it on a newsstand.  I have periodically loved and hated this mag throughout the last ten years, and while it's not quite as jammed with info as other magazines, it's interesting in that it's owned by a small West Coast supplement company that has made the same great but hideously expensive products for the last 50 years and is somehow still in business.  Additionally, PM's article layout is interesting in that it's thoughtful- they usually use the articles early in the magazine to build a knowledge base for understanding later articles.  As such, it's a pretty good primer from lifting and nutrition neophytes.  There are also no shortage of scantily clad sloots in the back of every issue, so you have some nice wank material if you have the ability to orgasm to soft core porn.

Someone finally brought Star Wars into lifting- introducing Yoda 3 Training (Y3T). 
Here's a training program of which I'd never heard, which is fairly unsurprising because I don't really give a rat's ass about programming.  Nevertheless, this training method is the brainchild of a Brit named Neil Hill, who's the trainer of guys like Zach Khan (650 squat and 600lb bench press)and 212 lb Mr. Olympia Flex Lewis (who seems reasonably strong in spite of vehement protests against his form on Bodybuilding.com, which is apparently populated by a lot of people far more jacked than Flex Lewis but curiously bereft of evidence of this fact).  The program is apparently intended to utilize the concept of macro and microcycles for bodybuilding purposes by rotating though three 1 week cycles that rotate rep numbers, exercises, and explosiveness to selectively target Type 1, Type 2a, and Type 2b muscle fibers.  Week 1 is heavy compound movements (8-10 reps), Week 2 is a combination of isolation movements (12-16 reps), and week 3 is something called “total muscle annihilation” that involves a bunch of intensity multipliers like giant sets, drop sets, forced reps, and the like.  For more info, check it out here. Before you claim such a method is useless for your purposes, nebulous as they probably are, I would suggest you check it out, as this could have some interesting applications for strength training if it’s modified somewhat.

Talk your shit guys, but like the dude who took 2nd at the Physique Olympia, Tim Liggins pulls far more bitches than you do and probably outlifts you.  Food for thought.

“As a bodybuilder, you use and not lift weights”- Tim Liggins.
I found this quote to be the most interesting bit of Tim Liggins' interview.  Liggins seems fairly cerebral about his training and while the 5'8", 200 lb bodybuilder isn't fantastically strong, he definitely appears considerably stronger than your average "powerlifter."  He utilizes the aforementioned Y3T system, so the vids I saw consisted of a lot of high rep drop sets and the like, but the dude definitely did a very easy set of 18 reps on his third drop with 80lb dumbbells, which isn't something to sneeze at, given the fact that he'd already done 36 reps with heavier weights.  In any event, I thought the quote above was interesting because it provides some valuable insight into the disparity between the bodybuilding and powerlifting mindset, and if you think about it sheds some light on the reason just about every gym's powerlifters are outbenched by the bodybuilders.

The riot bomber, Zabo.  Longshoreman by day, then hit the gym for a couple of hours each night, and was shredded before a word to describe his condition existed.  At 170, Zabo squat snatched 220, barefoot and without a warmup, then added 50 lbs and cleaned and military pressed it to impress some judges at random (Hise).  Still think bodybuilders are pussies?

Riot Bombing.
The training method with the awesome moniker "riot bombing" was invented by a guy I profiled in Issuance of Insanity 2, Zabo Koszewski, a 1960s bodybuilder who was insanely shredded before being shredded was cool.  Riot bombing is essentially what I do for arms, and it’s definitely brought them up over the last couple of years.  The concept behind it is to essentially drop a massive number of training bombs on your body to force growth in opposing muscle groups simultaneously. To do so, you utilize supersets with crazy volume to bend your body to your will, pairing exercises that utilize opposing muscle groups to ensure that your muscles get a bit of recovery before you pound them.  This phenomenon, of which you are all likely unfamiliar because it's cool to think bodybuilding is bitch made, is called reciprocal inhibition, and is a neurological reflex that causes one muscle to relax when its opposing muscle is contracted.

Riot bombing should feel something like this.

If you feel like trying it, the execution is like a Balkan war criminal- as brutal as it is simple. Do 15-20 sets of of two exercises that target opposing muscle groups, like cheat curls and push downs, and add weight on the 6th and 10th sets so that you’re starting at about 10-15 reps and ending in the 4-8 rep range.  Rest no more than 15-30 seconds in between supersets to maximize pump and shredz and you'll be looking like Zabo in no time.

I would punch my mom in the throat to hold Jenny Poussin’s hand.  She's one of the aforementioned PM sloots.

Sloots.
Planet Muscle has oodles.

Musclemag March 2014
If I'm honest, I've never much cared for Musclemag and could not tell you why beyond their sponsorship by the least reputable major supplement manufacturer on Earth, Muscletech.  Muscletech has never met their label claims, so I would guess my subconscience believes the same to be true about Musclemag.  In spite of that fact, I cracked one open and discovered some useful shit inside, so it's not quite the soulless corporate shill I'd once believed it to be.  It also seems to be trying to shed its meathead image by heading in the direction of promoting "attainable" physiques, so there is a lot more emphasis, at least in this issue, on the 212 Olympians than the big guys.  I couldn't really give a shit less either way, but for those of you who might care, there is that.  For the rest of you, here's the goods from Musclemag:

I know precisely fuckall about pro wrestling, but this chick is a WWE Diva and squats like a motherfucker according to her interviews... and her legs.

For those of you still leg pressing- stop.
A recent study in the Journal of Strength and Conditioning pitted the leg press against the squat.  At 6x10 reps 80% 1RM, the squat elicited higher testosterone and growth hormone releases, but the GH release was the truly badass one- 200% higher immediately after training and still 100% higher an hour later.

Shaner AA, Vingren JL, Hatfield DL, Budnar RG, Duplanty AA, Hill DW.  The acute hormonal response to free weight and machine weight resistance exercise.  Published online in advance of print.  http://journals.lww.com/nsca-jscr/Abstract/publishahead/The_acute_hormonal_response_to_free_weight_and.97568.aspx

So unfunny you'd think he was the love child of Billy Crystal and Margaret Cho.

For those of you who like to drag out your training sessions like Steven Wright dragged out jokes, start swilling intra-workout carbs.  
A recent study showed that 6% of your daily carb intake mixed with BCAAs prevented upper respiratory infection in trainees.  Musclemag recommends 20 grams of dextrose or table sugar with BCAAS intraworkout.

I couldn’t find the study on this, but the logic is sound.

Don’t forget your MP3 player on days you're lifting heavy. 
The Max Planck Institute for Human Cognitive and Brain Sciences found that music is not simply a distraction, but it reduces the amount of effort necessary to do the work.  In other words, music “would relieve the severely stressed from self-awareness of one’s own body” and allows trainees to push themselves much harder than trainees who trained without music.

Fritz TH, Hardikar S, Demoucron M, Niessen M, Demey M, Giot O, Li Y, Haynes JD, Villringer A, Leman M. Musical agency reduces perceived exertion during strenuous physical performance. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 2013.  http://www.mpg.de/7573048/music-physical-exertion

I call this picture "Anti L-Citrulline."

L-Citrulline makes your dick hard.
A new study showed 50% of men with mild erectile dysfunction cured it with supplementary Citrulline.  Musclemag recommends1.5 to 3 grams of citrulline before lifting or fucking, or after looking at the above picture.  I just got you motherfuckers so good.

Cormio L, De Siati M, Lorusso F, Selvaggio O, Mirabella L, Sanguedolce F, Carrieri G.  Oral L-citrulline supplementation improves erection hardness in men with mild erectile dysfunction.  Urology. 2011 Jan;77(1):119-22.

There is such a thing as self-harm porn.  I know, because I've masturbated to it.

Depressed chicks get horny in the gym.
For those of you who are not into self-harm porn and do not find the above picture appealing, take note- chicks on anti-depressants found the libido dulling effects of the anti-depressants were eliminated after a 30 minute workout.

Lorenz TA, Meston CM.  Acute Exercise Improves Physical Sexual Arousal in Women Taking Antidepressants.  Ann Behav Med. Jun 2012; 43(3): 352–361.

Note Larissa's sexy ass knees.

Scientists somehow found a new ligament in the knee.  
The anterolateral ligament, ALL, seems to be the culprit behind ACL tears.  A weak ALL leads to ACL injuries, it seems.  No one has any fucking clue how doctors missed this ligament up until now.

Stuffing needles into your ears could help get dat sixpack, bro beans.
Auricular acupuncture could be the answer to getting that last bit of fat off your stomach.  Korean scientists conducted a study in which volunteers had 8 weeks of poking in the ears with needles followed by a week of keeping a needle taped into part of their ear and found that weight, body fat, and waist circumference were reduced.

Yeo S, Kim KS, Lim S. Randomized clinical trial of five ear acupuncture points for the treatment of overweight people. Acupuncture in Medicine, 2013.

SOY IS THE DEVIL.
Vindication never tasted so sweet!  Soy protein reduces testosterone post workout.  A recent study showed that soy protein has a direct negative effect on test levels and that it was far worse than whey at blunting post-workout cortisol spikes.

Kraemer WJ1, Solomon-Hill G, Volk BM, Kupchak BR, Looney DP, Dunn-Lewis C, Comstock BA, Szivak TK, Hooper DR, Flanagan SD, Maresh CM, Volek JS.  The effects of soy and whey protein supplementation on acute hormonal responses to resistance exercise in men.  J Am Coll Nutr. 2013;32(1):66-74.

The Rhino- WR holder in the squat and total at 275 and ripped to fucking bits.

Powerbuilding is a thing again?
Pretty much a staple training method up until the internet ruined powerlifting in the early oughts, powerbuilding is making a comeback as crossover athletes keep popping up.  Guys like Stan Efferding, Johnny Jackson, and Ronnie Coleman are getting bodybuilders to trend more toward strength training as jacked as fuck raw powerlifters eliminate the fat fuck mentality promoted by the thankfully fading multiply set.  Musclemag mentioned the following icons of powerbuilding for you fuckers to check out (and whose lifting routines would not be a bad idea to emulate): Joe Ladnier (who is the powerlifter who convinced me powerlifting wasn't code for "fat men in bulletproof outfits barely moving and calling themselves lifters while narrowly avoiding strokes"), Matt Kroc, Ken Patera, Franco Columbo, Bill Kazmaier, Tom Platz, and Dorian Yates.

Tomorrow or the next day I'll hit you with Flex Magazine and Muscular Development, and then we'll move on to whatever else happens to strike my fancy.  And don't hate, fuckers- you know you just had knowledge dropped on your faces like a ten ton hammer.

Sources:
The magazines and studies are all cited in place.

Hise, Bob.  The fabulous Zabo Koszewski.  Strength & Health. Aug 1967.  Web.  24 Mar 2014.  http://www.musclememory.com/showArticle.php?sh670820