Ask The Asshole- .44 Magnum Edition Part 1

Q: How much muscle do you think a person can gain, naturally, over a lifetime?  Here are some calculators I found, but I wanted to know what you thought:  http://www.builtlean.com/2011/03/30/how-much-muscle-can-you-gain-naturally/

A:  This is, without question, one of the dumbest and most pointless "intellectual" exercises in which one could engage.  If you're wondering why, it's because there's no point to it.  Science has yet to find a method for determining the genetic ceiling for human performance for NFL athletes, and if corporation putting hundreds of millions of dollars a year into the subject cannot come up with a test for that, there's little chance that your average internet strength guru has a fucking clue what your genetic potential is.  Furthermore, there's been no study conducted that would even provide the basis for a bell curve, which would completely eliminate even the "average" natural muscular gain over time... because you NEED A FUCKING DATA SET TO CALCULATE AVERAGES.  These stupid motherfuckers online find that it's a nice salve to the pride of the wastes of space occupying the squat rack in your local gym with piss-poor 135 lb squats to low-ball their genetic ceilings so they feel positive about their progress and then buy the gurus' books like they're Linus and the book is their security blanket.  Meanwhile, none of those sorry, thumb-sucking, dickless, prideless, sad-sack, effeminate, useless, possibly Canadian, soy eating, commie pinko motherfuckers trying to determine their genetic ceiling will ever reach it BECAUSE THEY"RE ALREADY ANTICIPATING THE POINT WHERE THE CAN QUIT.  If you're shocked at the caps used in this section, it's due to the fact that I would curb stomp anyone who mentioned the "most muscle you can naturally gain" metrics as evidence of anything other than their own hideous stupidity, and I hate the assholes who want to know "the answer" more than enough to pluck out their fucking eyes, make them masticate them, then use their eyeball paste as a lubricant for the anal rape of their mothers while I force their cuckold fathers to watch.  Anyone who wants the answer to that question is nothing but a slack-jawed pussy, and the world would be better off without them.

Fuck me running, I hate people.  Here's one of the stupid fucking charts on the site the idiot who emailed me mentioned:

198 lbs of lean mass at 6'5"?  Someone send Berkhan a fucking map with Samoa circled on it... and a .44 Magnum loaded with a single bullet.

Let's for instance, take the mockery of intellectualism that is the aforementioned site.  On it, they proffer a bell curve example for genetic musculature.  This means that all things being equal (myostatin levels, genetic markers for height weight and bodyfat, protein synthesis, sleep, food, efficacious training, massage, sex hormones, stress levels, etc.), there will be bell curve distribution of muscular gain.  That's all well and good, except that those things are never equal.  Never.  Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.  Thus, the bell curve is fucking stupid, right off the bat.  Apparently utilizing the same witchcraft and pseudoscience behind the concept of the genetic ceiling bell curve, various professed "natty" geniuses the world around have offered up wildly inaccurate and limiting charts like the one above, telling people exactly what their max ripped bodyweight could be.  I shouldn't have to tell you that their charts have less to do with reality than Lindsey Lohan has to do with good citizenship, but apparently I fucking do.  Because we can't be certain who's used AAS in the last 50 years and who hasn't (because every pussy on the planet thinks everyone with a fucking ounce of muscle on him is on gear... except for people in the Olympics, for some reason), let's look at some lifters who were popular in the earliest 20th century- you know, before the advent of modern medicine, refrigeration, and most of the training equipment with which we're accustomed   In other words, let's look at the stats and determine which of the following people "must" have been on steroids based on these completely non-scientific charts, in spite of the fact that they basically lived in the dark ages:

Maxick.  5'4", 147 lbs.  OBVIOUSLY JUST SHOT A WHOLE KIT OF GH!

Arthur Saxon.  5'10", 210 lbs.  DAT DERE CELLTECH.

Otto Arco.  5'2", 137 lbs.  GENETIC FREAK WHO SNORTS DBOL ON THE HOUR.

Bobby Pandour.  5'5.5", 160 lbs.  BIG TRAPS= OBVIOUS AAS.

Herman Goerner.  6'1", 245 lbs.  DEAD BY 30.

Ernest Cadine.  5'6" 181 lbs.  BLEEDS TEST E.

Eugen Sandow.  5'9" 200 lbs.  GOT ANAVAR?

Using the wholly unscientific, Candyland metric designed by Martin Berkhan, all of them must have been on steroids, in spite of the fact steroids had not yet been invented, because they exceeded his maximum ripped bodyweight by an average of 26 pounds.  Let me put that another way for you- men who rode penny farthings to a gymnasium that lacked squat racks or plate loaded barbells (for the most part) and ate diets far inferior to ours in terms of macronutrient profiles got bigger and leaner than the "gurus" claim is humanly possible for a modern man with access to any number of legal supplements designed to further his hypertrophic goals.  The only thing dumber than these metrics are the fucking idiots blathering on about them on the internet as if they're some sort of benchmark for who's using gear, coming from the vaunted vantagepoint of an internet warrior who knows nothing, lifts less than nothing, and wouldn't know deductive reasoning from a ten-speed bicycle.

Amusingly, I'd exceeded the limits of his calculations while I was still wrestling, doing a ton of cardio, getting drug tested for college athletics, and had never even tried DHEA... as a sophomore in college with very little in the way of a handle on diet or training.  I simply trained 6 days a week, ran 3 miles a day, wrestled once or twice a day, ate nothing but chicken breasts and hamburger patties, and slept a lot. Ideal scenario for hypertrophy?  I think not.

(Your Height in Inches -70) x 5 + 160 = Maximum LBM

65-70 x 5 +160 = 135

BuiltLean's genius formula arrived at the same conclusion- after 4 years of highly inefficient training and imperfect diet, I'd hit my genetic ceiling.  Thus, I started lifting in 1993, and by 1997 I had allegedly hit my genetic ceiling, doing virtually everything incorrectly... with all of the genetic potential of Emmanuel Lewis.  Seems like sound logic and strong science to me!  In short, those "predictions" of maximum muscular gain are pseudoscientific horseshit, their progenitors can go fuck themselves, the people who visit their sites can go fuck themselves, and everybody else can probably go fuck themselves as well.

If you take any of those charts to heart, it's either because you're a lazy piece of shit or you've got a room temperature IQ.  Either way, you should probably leave your parents' basement, head to the local gun shop, purchase a .44 Magnum and a single bullet for the gun, and blow your fucking brains out.

I don't care how you do it, so long as you're dead.

Q: What can I do to get my deadlift up to 315?

A:  This question actually made me make the Rock's incredulous face, because... it's fucking astonishing.  I cannot conceive of an adult male being incapable of pulling 315.  I have pulled 515, cold, in street clothes, and that was when my max was in the low 600s.  Truth be told, I do not remember a time when I could not deadlift 315.  I did a death set of 17 reps with 315 at 145 lbs.  If you're an adult male with one year of training under your belt and you cannot deadlift 315, you're neither a man nor worth discussing.  You're a disgrace to your family, and I cannot imagine the self-hatred you must feel. Fucking do the right thing so your parents can at least try and have a useful kid before they die- eat a frisbee.  If you need help with this, Robert Hamburger has provided the following synopsis:

"Seppuku is the ancient art of killing yourself if you get super pissed and can’t find anybody else to kill.  Ninjas use all sorts of crap to kill themselves—guns, ropes, knives, lasers, spears, etc.—and don’t even think twice about it.  These guys would kill themselves for just about any reason and often for no reason at all: that’s why we there are so few ninjas today.

But if you want to commit Seppuku and you’re like me, you don’t have access to stuff like lasers.  But there’s hope.  I tried to kill myself by swallowing a frisbee a couple of times—and believe me, it’s pretty cool.  The only catch is you have to be really super pissed to do it.

Step 1.    Get a frisbee from the store or friend.
Step 2.   Clean the Frisbee.
Step 3.    Make sure your parents aren’t around
Step 4.    Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.
Step 5.    Get really super pissed.
Step 6.    Fold the Frisbee hard (this is crucial)
Step 7.    Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth hard.
Step 8.    Push hard until you can’t see it.
Step 9.    Wait.
Step 10.  Die."

Thus spaketh Robert Hamburger.

In all seriousness, if you cannot pull 315 in a year as an adult male, seriously consider suicide, or at least quit lifting, because you suck at it.  Up next, the hubbub over Paul Ryan getting kids hooked on gear, the cube method, and a bunch of other random horseshit, accompanied by lovely pictures of suicides. 

I knew you'd whine if you didn't get tits.