Accessories To Murder- Making The Dead Even More Deadly

Much has been made, on sundry message boards, of my refusal to do the deadlift in the gym.  Many have decided to ape my methods due a variety of factors, though the most predominant one, in my mind, is the fact that the deadlift is the hardest fucking thing you'll do in the gym, nine times out of ten.  It's a brutal, gut-wrenching, man-making lift during which you can actually feel your testicles drop and afterwards you sound like Barry White, provided you've got enough weight on the bar.  Skipping the deadlift, then, is usually nothing more than caving in to the fear of hard work, a fear that's more ubiquitous in our society than rhinestones on a tranny's Saturday night wardrobe.

Aaaaaaaaand they all have cocks.  Gotcha!

Why, then, do I skip it?  Because I've earned the right to do so, and because I'm focused on the squat.  For at least a decade, I deadlifted more in a year than most of you have masturbated in your lives, nevermind deadlifted.  I pounded the shit out of the lift, doing every conceivable variation for innumerable sets and reps.  My deadlift workouts took, on average, one and a half hours, and ran the gamut in design from 30 straight minutes of pulling singles with 90% of my one rep max for max reps (my record was 27), to 10-8-6-4-2-2-4-6-8-10, to German Volume Training, to 5 sets of 5 followed by a death set with 315, to the utterly ridiculous workout I've posted previously that consisting of deadlifts, one arm deads, two finger deads, rack pulls, and shrugs.  That was, in fact, a workout I used for over a year, and resulted in the cramping I still experience when I pull.  It did, however, give me a gym best of 545 at a bodyweight of 165.  Once I hit 600 for a single, however, I noticed that the high-percentage lifts that had gotten me to that point were killing a variety of other lifts, as my back would be too sore and too exhausted to allow me to do other lifts that I loved, namely, back squatting and overhead pressing.  Thus, I started dropping deadlift workouts and training movements that would have a lot of carryover into the deadlift.  Additionally, my focus has been on the squat since I started competing, as I'm within shouting distance of a 40 year old world record.  Thus, it seemed that splitting my attention between the two would not help me in my goal of breaking that record.

Piper did that to himself, apparently because cocaine does not lend itself to rational thought.

I could, I suppose, simply drop my volume on the deadlift and continue deadlifting.  That would certainly be the rational thing to do.  I do not, however, train rationally, and once I start pulling I like to keep pulling until I am physically incapable of continuing.  That's right- I had to stop deadlifting in training because I love the lift so fucking much that I do it until I'm literally crippled.  Due to the fact that I've done this for the last 15 years, I can safely say that I've put in my time with the lift, and it's unnecessary for me to train it on a regular basis.  Notice I did not say you.  Unless you're highly ranked in powerlifting, have been training the lift religiously for the better part of two decades, and allow your love of the lift to completely obliterate any vestige of common sense the second you start doing the lift, my experience should in no way apply to you.  Thus, you should stop being a fucking pussy and start deadlifting, because to get good at the lift in the first place, you're going to treat it like Roddy Piper did coke, and do an insane amount of it.

I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work.

There Will Be Fucking Murders
Murdering the deadlift is much like committing an actual murder, in that you have to begin with determining how you're going to do it.  This has led many of you to engage in debates online so insipid that they would shock even the least functional simpleton, as that simpleton certainly would not ask another waterhead for advice on how to do long division- he'd instead emulate the actions of people who do long division well.  As such, you should not ask the denizens of any message board which stance you should take, as they know absolutely nothing, and will likely cement in your mind ideas so illogical and ridiculous that they'd make Andy Dick wonder aloud how they arrived at them, as he shit in a hole outside of the shed in which he lives in spite of the fact that he's fairly wealthy.  How then, should you choose a stance?

Do what anyone worth half a shit has done before you- experiment.  Bob Peoples, the greatest 181 pound deadlifter prior to the arrival of chimp-like freak of nature Ed Coan put the record out of everyone's reach, experimented constantly with his form, and eventually developed a form more unique than the penises on BME.  Through years of experimentation, Peoples eventually pulled 728 at a bodyweight of 178, using form that could only be described as horrific- he pulled with a round back and stiff legs, after completely exhaling, and with a double overhand grip.(Hise)  That's right- years of experimentation got him to his ultimate form.  
"Our deadlift champion began to study his body leverages and gravity centers. He would take a bar in a starting deadlift position and view himself an a mirror and notice by the raising or lowering of the bar as he changed grips, using different height shoes, inhaling slightly, inhaling heavily, exhaling slightly, exhaling heavily and observing the positions and conditions that suited him best."(Hise, Deadlifter)  Eventually, he happened upon form that most people would regard with horror and what the idiots on Youtube would claim would send his spinal column soaring into the air, give him AIDS, and could only be the produce of massive steroid use- weak people are incredibly overdramatic.  Despite what weak people and personal trainers the world around would proclaim about Peoples' form, “His dead lift style.... is not "incorrect" for him because his type of physique with rather long legs, short trunk and very long arms makes it the best style for him.”(Peoples)

Amusingly, this body type has been ascribed to another amazing deadlifter with completely different deadlift style- Ed Coan.  Coan is 5’5” and boasts arms that nearly hang to his knees, due to the fact that his arms and legs were incredibly long compared to the length of his trunk.  Because he's built as if he were the unholy child of a chimpanzee and a postal box, Coan had incredible success deadlifting.  At 181, Coan pulled 793; at 198, he pulled 859; at 219, he pulled 901; and at 241 he pulled 887… like I said, a fucking freak.(Gallagher 60)  Coan also pulled with a unique style, as his stance was fairly narrow for a sumo stance, and his hand placement was fairly wide- just inside his knees.  This goes against convention on sumo deadlifting due to the fact that it doesn't appear to make the best use of that style, which is essentially to reduce the range of motion dramatically.  Coan apparently didn't give a shit, because his unique form produced poundages that may never be topped.


These examples should point you to one inalienable fact- your body style has little to do with the form you should utilize to maximize your deadlift.  Instead, you should employ whatever form you prefer after experimenting with them both.  If you have comparatively long arms and a short torso, guess what?  It doesn’t mean you should deadlift with a certain form- it means you’re destined to be a badass deadlifter if you bust your ass at the lift.  Any attempt to analyze leverages to determine your best style is absurd for a multitude of reasons:

1. It fails to consider a wide array of muscular factors, ranging from your muscular strengths to the placement and thickness of various muscular attachments
2. It fails to account for past activities in which you might have engaged that would increase your neurological adaptations to certain movements
3. It overthinks what will essentially amounts to a battle of wills between you and the weight.  All of the leverages in the world won’t get 600 pounds off the ground if you don’t hate the fact that the weight is defying your will more than Rick Santorum pretends to hate anal sex.

One caveat to this is for chicks- I think females are likely more suited to sumo deadlifting because their pelvis angles considerably less than men and because it's so much wider, and they've generally got more flexible hips as a result.  Additionally, they're almost invariably lower-body dominant, and the sumo deadlift employs far more of your vastus medialis, vastus lateralis, and (oddly) your tibialis anterior than does the conventional deadlift.(Escamilla)  One other thing I think makes the sumo deadlift a better choice for women is the fact taht, due to their hips, squatting with a wide stance generally results in a massive increase in a female lifter's squat, and most of the high-level female squatters I've seen seem to use a wide stance.  That stance and strength can translate well to the sumo deadlift, which as Ed Coan put it, amounts to a reverse squat.(Gallagher 61)  That doesn't necessarily mean chicks can't pull well conventional or shouldn't try, but rather that I think they'd likely find sumo to feel better as a movement than conventional.

Hot, actually a woman, and she probably out-deadlifts you.

Lest you wring your hands and pout due to the frustration of having to think for yourself on picking a style, Derek Barker had a great idea on how to determine it.  He suggests you do Louie Simmons' five week deadlift program twice, using conventional form once and sumo the other.  Thereafter, you can examine your progress with each and choose the style that best suits you.  In Barker's words:

"The program started with the lifter having achieved a max single in the deadlift coming into the program. In the first week, the lifter was then to perform 15 singles with 65 percent of that single with short rest periods. For the next week, the percentage was raised five percent and the amount of lifts dropped to 12. This goes on until the fifth week when the lifter has reached 85 percent and performs six singles.

I feel this program is vastly superior to any other for new lifters because by using weights in this percent range, the lifter is able to focus on his technique and think through the lift rather than get all psyched up and possibly miss or just muscle the barbell up. In addition, weights of 85–100 percent for a new lifter may in fact reinforce bad technique rather than correct it. In the sixth week, the lifter should attempt a new max in the deadlift.

Here’s my advice. For the first training wave, pull conventional. Play around with the conventional stance and find what suits you best (shoulder width stance, very close heels touching, feet angled out). Experiment and find an optimal pulling stance.  

After a new max has been attempted and hopefully achieved in week six, start the cycle over, this time with a sumo stance. Again, experiment with foot stance such as an ultra wide sumo or a more moderate sumo. Play around with the angle of the feet. A good rule of thumb is to have them angled out at least 45 degrees to keep your center of gravity as close to the barbell as possible. Go through the cycle, and on the sixth week, attempt a max with the sumo stance. Now, you’ve spent three concentrated months on your deadlift. You should have a good idea what your particular strengths and weaknesses are with each style and what style allows you to lift the most weight in a contest. Regardless of which style you choose, it’s important to still train the opposite style at some point. One style will help the other."(Barker) 

One question few people ask, though I think is the cause of many of the torn biceps you see in deadlifting, is in regards to the grip one takes.  Years ago, I had someone ask me which hand should pronate and which should supinate, and it occurred to me I never gave it any thought.  While pondering this, I looked down at my hands, which were hanging at my sides, and realize that the one that was pronated (facing my body) was the one I pronated in the deadlift, and vice-versa.  As such, I looked at their hands and let them know which hand appeared to be more pronated than the other.  If you're unsure about what grip would be best for you, stand with your arms hanging relaxed at your sides and have someone look at them and tell you.  It should be fairly apparent.

Now that you've got a jumping-off point for starting to include a program that's made more boys into men than chest suspension-induced vision quests.  Coming up, my favorite deadlift programs, a couple of other badass programs, and my favorite accessories and the reasons I think they're almost as awesome than getting a blowjob while eating pizza.

She must be having one hell of a vision quest.

Sources:
     Barker, Derek.  Beginner Deadlift Considerations: Conventional or Sumo?  http://www.elitefts.com/documents/con_sumo.htm
     Escamilla RF, Francisco AC, Kayes AV, Speer KP, Moorman CT 3rd.An electromyographic analysis of sumo and conventional style deadlifts.  Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2002 Apr;34(4):682-8.
     Hise, Bob.  Bob Peoples- Deadlifter.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2008/02/bob-peoples-deadlifter.html
     Hise, Bob.  The Bob Peoples I Knew.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2009/01/bob-peoples-i-knew-bob-hise-ii.html
     Gallagher, Marty.  Purposeful Primitive.