Ask The Asshole #5

Holy fuck, you guys are filled to the brim with questions. Before I get going on answering this round, I'd like to reiterate that what works for one person will not necessarily work for another. Thus, I think Paleo is the way to go, but paleolithic people have a fairly wide variation in their macronutrient profiles worldwide. Thus, combining paleolithic nutrition with metabolic typing is a better bet. Eat what suits you best.

Likewise, what works for one guy in the gym will not necessarily work well for another. That's not to say that brutal full body workouts are not essential, but rather the workload (total volume) and training loads (percent of one rep max) that work best for different people will vary. Furthermore, I think that it's absofuckinglutely essential for you to lift in a manner that you enjoy. Thus, if you love lifting heavy all fucking day long, DO THAT. you're going to make far more progress lifting in a manner that you enjoy than you will lifting ina manner you find boring or generally unpleasant. If it's your bleeding vagina that's keeping you from lifting heavy, though, and not simply an abject hatred of grinding out endless singles, hike up your fucking skirt and lift some heavy shit.

If I ever meet this chick, I'm abandoning the lot of you for her and her Crossfit crew. I might even run, if she insisted.

And now, without further adieu, your questions. Remember, there's no such thing as stupid questions... just stupid people.

Q: During keto runs, is it ever appropriate to get some fast-digesting carbs in directly after the workout?

A: No. Like I stated in my last AtA, I personally don't use post workout carbs during keto runs, outside of an Oh Yeah bar on occasion. Warren Willey in Better Than Steroids recommends a most workout meal consisting of a whey protein shake, with only 4g of carbs for a person eating 3000 kcals a day, and 2g for a person on 2000 kcals. (pp. 84-86) Duchaine echos this sentiment in Body Opus, and he recommends even staying away from leafy green veggies, as they might throw you out of ketosis. That is a bit extreme, in my opinion, but that's just me. For a person unused to keto dieting, and who is not already under 10% bodyfat, the only good carb is a nonexistent carb. I can get away with more dietary shenanigans because I'm already lean- and that's a good motivator for you disgusting fatbodies in cyberland to get your asses into shape. High bodyfat isn't useful for anything other than making you more buoyant- you look like dogshit, and your strength to weight ratio will suck more than the whores in a Max Hardcore video.

Q: Sugar and carbs ups the insulin after a workout. A lot of the literature out there today says to down a Gatorade or sports drink directly after the workout and to have the pw protein after that, when protein receptors are primed. Is this propoganda? Is the whole sugar-after-the-workout stuff fallacy?

A: The PWO carbs are a good idea when not in a keto run, as the insulin release the carbs cause is highly anabolic, and insulin is a direct agonist to cortisol. Insulin has also been shown to increase blood flow to the muscles by increasing NO synthesis (but this is not to say that NO products will get you hyooooge, no matter what the overly tanned douches at your gym say). Most sports nutritionists recommend a 2:1 ratio of carbs to protein, and are all about fast acting carbs like sucrose or maltodextrin. Fructose doesn't create the same spike in insulin, so fruit's not a terribly good PWO carb.

Q: One version of a keto diet said instead of doing the three hour cheat window, to forego carbs from Mon-Fri night, then to carb up from Friday night thru Sunday. Thoughts? Is it just a matter of preference?

A: That's a Body Opus style keto run, and one that is fairly well recommended. I'm personally not a fan of such a lengthy carbup, and prefer to have a balls-out cheat window than a weekend of carbs. I'm not a huge fan of carbs, and I'm a protein type according to Metabolic typing, so I find that the 3 hour window suits me better than the weekend. This is not to say, my fuckers, that everyone should do what I do. We all have differing metabolisms, and food affects us both physically and psychologically in different ways. I'll post a blog all about metabolic typing in the near future (though that's going to be a bitch and I've been putting it off for the better part of a year), but in the meantime, check out this website and take the test to see what metabolic type you are. That's hardly a comprehensive test, but it'll give you some idea of your ideal macronutrient ratios.

Q: Are you throwing down for Thanskgiving and eating everything in sight? Is your meal/dessert your cheat window?

A: I ate anything and everything on Thanksgiving, and I intend to do the same on Christmas. Life's meant to be lived, for fuck's sake. If you're worried that you're going to derail your progress, bust your fucking ass all week in the gym and take a full day cheat meal. Eat as many calories as you can that day. I bet you feel fucking awesome the next day. I intend to diet fairly hard until Xmas, leaning out after my mini-bulk that I've conducted for the last month. I'm teetering on the brink of 200 lbs right now, which is fully 15 lbs heavier than I've ever been before, so it'll be interesting to see what I look like at Xmas.

Q: I was hoping to get a run down on what your diet is like, as I can't seem to follow it. Seems like you do keto runs with a cheat window on tues and friday nights. I am guessing those cheat windows are what you use as carb ups? That's how I am following it so far, but recall you saying to limit the fat intake on the carb loads.

A: You've pretty much got it down pat. I'll run low/no carb three day runs for most of the week, with moderate carb days punctuated by a cheat meal. It's not rocket science, and it's by no means the only way to go- it's what works for me. I think that carb and calorie cycling is a great idea, since it allows you to build muscle and drop fat gradually, rather than focusing on one thing or the other for lengthy periods of time.

Cycling rules.

Q: How many fucking calories are you getting a day man? 5lbs chicken wings a day is something like 5500 cals, and didn't you say eat a slight deficit on non cheat days? If that's on track, your metabolism is through the damn roof.

A: I've never seen any reason to count calories, since everyone's metabolisms are different, and those calculators give you what amounts to an average metabolism. I think you're better off trying different calorie levels throughout the day, and determining whether or not you're in a coloric deficit by your level of hunger during the week. I know I'm in a deficit on a keto run by the fact that I'm insatiably hungry by Wednesday night, which is why I typically take a cheat window that day. Additionally, given the fact that I take fatburners like they're going out of style, and ketogenic diets are far more thermogenic, in addition to the fact that my level of weightlifting intensity chumps just about everyone else of whom I've ever heard, those metabolic calculators are about as much help to me in designing my diet as a flareup of genital herpes would be in helping me get laid.

I'm pretty sure you can get herpes from looking at a picture of Courtney Love. You're welcome.

Q: I wanna give this a try, but wasn't sure of the specifics, namely regarding the saponins and protodioscins(sic). What should my 4g of trib a day look like in terms of such details, and do you suggest any particular brand for it's price per dose and dose per pill? If it matters, I'm already taking the Vitamin Shoppe Longjax blend, which I'm sure you're familiar with.

Also, where do you get your chicken wings, what brand are they, and how much do you pay? I can't seem to find a deal worth a shit on them to justify eating them nonstop all day.

A: I recommend Vitamin Shoppe Tribulus. Not the Tribulus Pro they sell under their BodyTech brand, but the tribulus in the herbs. It's $12 for 100 pills at 625mg per, and though it's only 20% saponins, you still get saponins at 10 cents a gram, vs 36 a gram in the BodyTech stuff. A buddy of mine scored bulk Trib on eBay, but he describes it as smelling like dead turtles, which cannot possibly be good. As he's a bad motherfucker and even he can't choke it down, I'd recommend that you encapsulate it yourself (you can buy kits to do that on Bulknutrition.com) or simply buy it in capsules to begin with. As for the wings, I either buy them at publix or food lion, in the 4.5 to 5 lb packs. They're even cheaper at wal-mart. I don't buy the frozen ones in bags, as they're usually no cheaper, and they're a pain in the dick to defrost. i can't be bothered to wait around while that's occurring, as I've got shit to do.

Q: I'm doing modified paleo now (whey/milk/creatine added in the form of shakes), and once my body has adjusted to and reaped the benefits from the diet, I might try adding 5 day keto runs with a weekend carbup. How do you handle pre and postworkout nutrition with such a limited number of carbs? Do you save them for this specifically? The only cheap low/zero carb shakes I can find are the ones from walmart that taste like having the devil blow a load in your mouth.

A: I've pretty much covered this by this point, but to recap, I make sure I get 30-80g of protein preworkout (huge fan of CNP Pro Slam, Lemon-Lime flavor) and the same postworkout. As for which protein in particular, anything that's low carb. Wal-Mart sells inferior versions of good sports nutrition products, reformulated with cheap ingredients. That's why they're so cheap. I'd recommend either buying shit online or hitting up Vitamin Shoppe or a local supp store. Stay WAY the fuck away from GNC and Vitamin World- they're populated by people near enough to retarded as makes no diference, and they're pricey as hell.

I'm pretty sure this guy works at the GNC in the King of Prussia Mall.

Q: I've tried CLA in the past, without significant results. After reading into it, I found that you have to stay on it for a while to see results and it needs to be stacked with other supplements. Thoughts?

A: I suppose there are more worthless supplements, but I'm having trouble thinking of any off the top of my head. Pyruvate, maybe? That's nearly as worthless. Save your money for sometyhing that works. CLA might work, but its ultr-mild effects are hardly worth the cost.

Q: What's your deal with taking Animal Pak before bed? Aren't you supposed to take it before lifts? Do you even read the directions, Jamie?!? What'sa matter witchoo?!

A: I take Animal Pak before bed with my bedtime shake/meal. There's no real reason to do so except that they smell like hot trash and a dead hobo, and they make anything into which you put them smell the same. Thus, they are not terribly portable. As to whether I read the diretions, no, I don't because it's a multivitamin and I'm not mentally retarded. If I felt as though it was necessary to read the directions on a multivitamin, I would put the oven on clean, wait for it to get good and hot, and then put my head in it until I felt death's sweet embrace.

Q: There's a lot of evidence that says mixing casein in with whey as a PWO shake promotes more growth and strength gains. For hardgainers, it's recommended to take casein before bed. I've had pretty good results with it in terms of gaining. Yay or nay?

A: There's no such thing as hardgainers. There are pussies, though, and I've heard they love drinking warm milk before bed. you might want to give that a shot, and maybe one day your mommy will let you wear big boy pj's to bed.

I recommend mixed-source proteins all day, every day. I'm not a big fan of whey, as it's deficient in calories, is in and out of your system too quickly, leaves you hungry as shit shortly after eating it, doesn't taste particularly good, and doesn't really resemble real food in any way. Instead, I like shit that continually releases into your system over time, so that you have a steady uptake of nutrients over the night. Additionally, I'm a HUGE fan of leaving a premade shake next to the toilet at night, so I can slam a mid-sleep shake while taking a leak. My choice for nighttime protein is Matrix 5.0, but I think Muscle Milk and Syntha 6 are good choices as well. All of you ON protein marks take a look at your Pro Complex label and you'll see you're getting fucking robbed- that's pretty much a whey protein blend (Whey Protein Isolate, Glutamine Peptides, L-Leucine, Egg Albumin, Whey Peptides, L-Isoleucine, L-Valine) you've paid $15/lb for. Suckers.

And this concludes our broadcast day.

Again, just because. Did I mention this broad is 44? Maybe there's something to Crossfit after all...

Hahahahahahaha. Bros before hoes, and lifting like one, lol.

Ask the Asshole #4

Como estas, bitches? Happy Thanksgiving and all of that happy bullshit. We've got more questions, my fuckers, and I've got more answers than you can shake a shit-covered stick at.

Q: One of the big no-nos for years was ingesting caffeine, in any form, while on creatine. Essentially, it was said that for the time you were on it, no soda, coffee, tea chocolate, or caffeine supplement. Then, about 4 years ago, "new studies" emerged that debunked it. So, I always rationalized and because the "new studies" said it was okay, I didn't give up my beloved coffee. I never really got anything notable from creatine. It didn't matter the brand or the type (monohydrate, ethyl-ester), it didn't matter if I loaded or did not. I did, however, get seven cavities at the age of 24, after never having had one in my life, from taking Cell-Tech. Seriously, is all that damn sugar necessary?

Anyway, last winter, I decided to do it right. I detoxed for 3 days on caffeine. I did a four-day creatine loading, then stayed on it for 6 weeks. It was creatine monohydrate, powder form. I think it was the most successful creatine usage I've had.

So what's the friggin' deal?

A: No, that sugar's not necessary, unless you're in the market for some type 2 diabetes. Quite frankly, I think creatine is a massive fucking waste of money, unless you're doing a glycogen supercompensation. The evidence supporting creatine shows that it gives strength benefit of one to two reps on high rep exercises. For strength training, I've found it to be less efficacious than assiduous adherence to a masturbation schedule that'd make the biggest D&D nerds on the planet blush. Yeah, that's right- I think jerking off promotes greater strength gains than creatine consumption. My proof? Me. There's no clinical evidence to support this theory, because no one in sport science academia is cool or interesting enough to even suggest such a study, much less conduct one. My motto, though? "Three times a day keeps Hormone Replacement Therapy away."

Eat red meat. It contains creatine (2 grams per lb of uncooked meat), B vitamins, protein, and manliness. Its consumption makes vegans weep and the girlfriends of pussies miscarry every time a whole cow is eaten.

As for the caffeine thing, I think that was mainly a placebo effect, quite honestly. All of the empirical evidence I've seen shows that the diuretic effect of caffeine fades as your tolerance grows. There's even an MD article on it this month (incidentally, that is now the only bodybuilding rag I read. the articles are well written and research, and it has no Mentzer-esque bullshit in it- yeah, I'm talking about you, Ironman fuckfaces). Like most non-prohormone supplements, theres's more conflicting evidence surrounding the efficacy and usage of creatine than there is on Anderson Cooper's sexuality. Use it if you want, but it's certainly far from imperative.

BANANARAMA.

Q: I've never gotten any pump from an NO product. Is there any particular benefit I'm really missing out on by just sticking to pre-workout coffee?

A: No. NO products are marketing hype backed by theoretical evidence and hope- nothing more. There is absolutely no anecdotal or clinical evidence showing that NO products improve performance or increase muscular hypertrophy in any way shape or form. I take Methyl Mass because it's got caffeine, taurine, and Propadrol in it, not because of it's NO properties. I mean, I like being vascular, but that hardly justifies the $3 per serving pricetag.

Q: What is your opinion on arginine, orinthine and ZMAs? A lot of the recommenations on when to take them and how (empty stomach vs. with food) vary and even after extensive research, nothing is concrete.

A: Dan Duchaine wrote about Arginine and Ornithine in his seminal work, Body Opus, which I highly recommend. Know what that stack is? NO. That's all it is. He recommended that 20 years ago as a way to increase vascularity. That's all it does... nothing more.

As for ZMA, I typically have no trouble sleeping, provided my level of stress isn't insanely high. I don't have any real use for it at all, and thus haven't experimented much with it. i take Universal's Animal Pak right before bed though, so I figure that contains all of what you'd have in a ZMA stack anyway. I sleep like a fucking baby on quaaludes and have awesome zombie apocalypse nightmares at will. If that's any indication, ZMA will work like a fucking charm. that, or you can simply take a multivitamin like a regular person. Either way.

Q: Is high-carb protein powder (Cytogainer, by Cytosport) okay as a post-workout shake during a keto run? Are there really pronounced differences between higher carb powders and low-no carb powders?

Although the good people at T-Nation say it's ok, I don't fucking with any carbs on my keto runs. My postworkout meals consist of Oh Yeah bars. 12g of carbs will do me just fine postworkout on keto runs. The difference between high carb powders and no carb powders is the high carb ones are weight gainers and the no carb ones are merely protein powders.

If you want to waste your money on protein powders with carbs in them, you might be better off just purchasing a tack hammer and smashing your dominant hand with it or something. At least then your waistline would remain intact, and you'd look like less of a fucking retard. You want carbs in your protein shake? PUT IT IN CHOCOLATE MILK. People who can't gain weight fall into two very distinct categories: people with AIDS or some other wasting disease, and people who don't eat enough. Dave Tate has a good article on weight gain on T-Nation. Check it out.

"For dinner you're gonna order an extra-large pizza with everything on it. Literally everything. If you don't like sardines, don't put 'em on, but anything else that you like you have to load it on there. After you pay the delivery guy, I want you to take the pie to your coffee table, open that fucker up, and grab a bottle of oil. It can be olive oil, canola oil, whatever. Anything but motor oil. And I want you to pour that shit over the pie until half of the bottle is gone. Just soak the shit out of it."

By the way, for any of you who think you can't gain weight, I'd suggest you head over to Uno Chicago Grill for a Deep Dish Chicago Classic Pizza. The individual pizza has 2310 calories, 99g of protein, 120g carbs, and 165g of fat. One of those every now and again and you'll have to gain weight- no regulars at Unos look like they're moonlighting as extras on Schindler's List. .

Q: Are there any particular supplements that help with actual strength or is that concept too far-fetched?

A: Steroids.

Q: What supplement do you recommend for shedding bodyfat? I know diet is crucial, but anything extra to get rid of extra, pesky flab?

A: I feel as though I've addressed this question multiple times, but some of you are a little slow. that, or you don't hang on my every word, as you should. In any event, yes, there is a supplement I recommend for shedding bodyfat.

Fat cells contain two types of adrenoreceptors(Any of several reactive components of effector tissues most of which are innervated by adrenergic postganglionic fibers of the sympathetic nervous system and are activated by norepinephrine, epinephrine, and various adrenergic drugs.): A2 and B1. Unfortunately, fat cells don't get much blood circulation (which is one of the reasons they're so fucking hard to shrink in the first place), so it's noradrenaline that attaches to these receptors. B1 receptors activate lipase, which is an enzyme that breaks down fat. Noradrenaline activates them, as that can be transported by capillaries, which are the only blood vessel in fat. Adrenaline can only be carried by major arteries and veins. A2s, on the other hand, are fucking shitheads, and not in an amusing 2girls 1cup kind of way, but in a "we little fuckers encourage the formation of triglycerides in the cell and block lipase" kind of way. Additionally, they block the generation of noradrenaline at the nerve sites, which means that the B1s can't do their job as well. They're the kind of receptors you wish you could drag out behind the shed and beat the shit out of them with a stout bit of wood, like a recalcitrant retarded child in the good old days of child rearing. Instead, however, they leave us with a little parting gift- low calorie diets increase the number of A2 sites. Fuck my life, right? Know where these little beauties are mostly located? In your stubborn fat sites- for most guys, the spare tire around your waist, and for most chicks, the ass and thighs. I say "most", because Biochemical Individuality means that we're all unique and special individuals, so Howard Stern ends up with an ass that he describes looking like a "trash bag filled with cornflakes", while some chicks end up looking like an apple on a couple of toothpicks. Clearly, their respective A2 sites are more like those of the opposite sex. (1)

Activating B1 sites is easy- you simply stimulate your CNS and generate a release of noradrenaline, which will then increase lipolysis, along with creating an according increase in heart rate, blood pressure, and body temperature. That's right- if it doesn't make you sweaty and jittery, it's not working. The best B1 activators are, in descending order of effectiveness:

• Clenbuterol (half life of 34-35 hrs)
• Mabuterol (20 hrs)
  
• Ephedrine (3-4 hours)
• Albuterol (2-6 hrs)

To increase the effectiveness of any of these B1 activators, Duchaine and others have long recommended caffeine and aspirin.

Caffeine is a methylxanthine, an alkaloid used as a stimulant and bronchodilator. This chemical badass has the ability to inhibit phosphodiesterases within the cell, which is important, because that means that they can enhance the effects of physiological processes dependent on cAMP or cGMP (like fat loss, the effects of Viagra, and a wide variety of other awesome shit). It's also been shown to have the ability to prevent some re-uptake of norepinephrine, which is good for fat loss because norepinephrine stimulates B1 cells. In essence, it makes everything that's awesome about ephedrine even more awesome, and tells fat to go fuck itself twice, then punches fat's mom in the face and fucks his sister.(2)(3)(4)

Aspirin is also a badass sidekick for ephedrine, in a gun-toting-Bucky, rather than a Robin in a leather-suit-with-nipples Robin, sort of way. It's a prostaglandin inhibitor, which is important because certain prostaglandins, rat fucks that they are, inhibit lipolysis and are produced in response to adrenergic stimulation.(2) Thus, it's good shit to throw in on top of ephedrine and caffeine.

Other good shit to add to the mix:

• Yohimbe. I actually had some fucking retard return some yohimbe the other day after reading on the internet that it was a male potency herb, and that it wouldn't work for fat loss. This goes to my point that people suck, and the vast majority should be rounded up and sent to camps. Yohimbe is the only herb that one can buy that will block the uptake of noradrenaline in the A2 receptors I mentioned earlier. that means it will keep the A2 receptors from storing fat and generally acting like assholes, which is pretty important. Additionally, yohimbe is a vasodilator that will improve blood circulation and improve the hardness of your hardons, so it's generally good stuff, no matter what uneducated assholes on the internet might assert to the contrary.
• Theobromine. A methylxanthine like caffeine, it works on the same metabolic pathway, only more subtly, since it's less potent.
• Evodiamine. Evodiamine is an extract from a Chinese herb called Wu-Chu-Yu, and though there is no empirical evidence showing that it is effective in humans, clinical studies on rats have shown that it increases body temperature and reduces fat uptake. It's apparently even more effective with a high fat diet, so keto dieters should jumpa ll over it.
  
• Grapefruit Extract. Grapefruit extract contains a substance that's illegal to purchase by itself, called narangin. Narangin is a flavanoid extracted from the rind of grapefruit that increases the potency of other substances ingested with it. As such, caffeine and ephedrine will be more effective when ingested with Grapefruit extract.
  

Clinical evidence shows that "ephedrine and caffeine taken in a 1:10 ratio (20 mg ephedrine : 200 mg caffeine) creates effects greater than the sum of the two drugs added together" and that "maximum effectiveness is achieved when taking 20 mg ephedrine with 200 mg caffeine and 300 mg aspirin three times a day about one half hour before meals." I'd tinker with the dosage on your theobromine and yohimbe, but I recommend going easy on the theobromine initially, and dosing your yohimbe at 3-10g a day.

Off the shelf fatburners I like, in order of awesomeness:

• Stimerex-ES: Badass fatburner with 25 mg of ephedra and 100 mg of caffeine. Stacked with Methyl Mass, this shit is awesome. Proprietary Blend: 510mg Consisting of: 25 mg. Ephedra Extract (leaves), Acacia Rigidula Extract (leaves) (methylsynephrine), (Yielding 125 mg Phenylethylamine Alkaloids: B-Phenylethylamine, N-Methyl-B-Phenylethylamine, and R-beta-Methylphenylethyanine), Theobroma Cocoa Extract (Seed), Phenylethylamine HCL, Citrus Aurantium Extract (25mg Synephrine), Green Tea Extract (leaves), Yohimbe Extact (bark), Naringen (fruit), 6-7 Dihydroxy bergamottin (fruit). Caffeine (anhydrous) 150mg
• Lipodrene. made by the same mad scientists who cooked up Stimerex, Lipodrene's a little less "exciting", but still will wake you the fuck up and knock the shit out of bodyfat.

  Proprietary Blend

  Ephedra Extract (leaves), Acacia Rigidula Extract (leaves) MethylSynephrine (Yielding 75mg Phenylethylamine Alkaloids including: B-Phenylethylamine, N-Methyl-B-Phenylethylamine, and R-beta-Methylphenylethyanine) , Phenylethylamine HCL,, 25mg Synephrine HCL, Theobromine, Green Tea Extract (45mg ECGC), Hoodia Extract (cactus),Cassia Nomame Extract (plant), Naringen (fruit), 6,7 Dihydroxybergamottin (fruit), 5-Methoxytryptamine HCL, L-5 Hydroxytryptophan, Yohimbine HCL

• Mix n Match. The last option is to go to the drug store and get Bronk-Aid from the pharmacist. Those are 25 mg tabs of ephedrine and guaifenesin, which has also been shown to aid fat loss. Throw one of those down the hatch with an aspirin and a caffeine tab, and you're off to the races.

That'll do it for this installment of Ask the Asshole, though I've got a shitload more questions to answer, which I shall do ASAP.
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Now playing: A Different Breed Of Killer - The Cleansing Apparatus
via FoxyTunes

1. Duchaine, Dan. Body Opus. Pp. 158-160.
2. "Pharmacological Approaches to Fat Loss Targeting Beta_andrenergic Recptors." http://www.mesomorphosis.com/articles/haycock/ephedrine-and-beta-adrenergic-receptors.htm
3. Wikipedia. "Xanthine." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Xanthine
   
4. Wikipedia. "Phosphodiesterases." http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phosphodiesterases

*Fuck the USDA- Introducing the ChAoS and PAIN Nutritional Pyramid- Part 1

I realize that I've addressed this issue before, but given the absolute spate of questions regarding my supplementation and diet (and concurrent dearth of training methodology questions), I shall address this issue once more. Furthermore, I'll cover a few popular supplements and my opinion thereof.

The Base:
Meat. Meat is good. Vegetarians might disagree, but this is because they're scared, weak people who are afraid that if the world runs short of cattle, they'll be eaten first. They're right.

I'm hoping you people aren't actually retarded, and that you realize that meat is highly anabolic. I'm not just talking about chicken, either, since chicken breast contains very little fat, is bland, dry, and generally boring. But, fat is bad, right? Wrong, fuckface. Dietary fat in the form of saturated or monounsaturated fat positively correlates with high testosterone levels, because cholesterol is the precursor to testosterone.

Nearly every different kind of meat on the planet is useful, in some form. The only type of meat I'd recommend you to avoid is bear meat, which is renown for containing trichinellosis. Unless you like your meat VERY well done, which is how you apparently need to cook that shit to avoid dropping dead of a parasite infestation, avoid bear meat. I'm personally not a fan of sea food, but fatty fish is incredibly healthy due to the fact that it contains large amounts of Omega 3 fatty acids, and it's a nice change of pace from wings and ground beef, if you can stomach it. Ray Audette recommends eating game meat like buffalo, longhorn (where the fuck would you get longhorn outside of Texas?), and emu as alternatives to traditional beef due to its high Omega 3 content, if you're like me and loathe fish.(1)

The meat section in the CnP food pyramid also is the repository for nuts and seeds, since those are also chock full of protein and healthy fats, and are fucking manly to eat. The paleo guy in me says to avoid cashews, as they're a member of the poison ivy family and are thus highly allergenic if eaten raw, and may cause an allergic reaction even if cooked. Plus, they're cheap bullshit that gets in the way of good nuts like almonds and walnuts, which are two of the healthiest nuts. Seeds are also a good bet for healthy foods, but sunflower seeds are estrogenic and should thus be avoided, as estrogen is the root of all evil.(2) I don't include beans in this section because they're shitty sources of protein and generally difficult to digest. They're fine to eat, by and large (and who doesn't love peanuts?), but I'd avoid lima beans (they contain cyanide) and soy beans (they contain soy).
Protein Supplements:
Though meat should be the base of your pyramid, I'm sure few of us have the time to prepare pounds and pounds of meat every day (though I intend to one day be wealthy enough to have a Korean man follow me around with a hibachi all day cooking bulgogi). As such, protein supplements are immensely important in the pursuit of athletic excellence, and I suggest you use a blended protein to make up the difference between your meat intake and your daily goal. Blended proteins are nice because they come from a wide variety of sources, so they're a more complete source of aminos, and they give you a steady release of protein over time, reducing the chance that you'll become catabolic, and ensuring that you'll be more satiated for a longer period of time.

For those whey-during-the-day advocates, whey does have the benefit of being a very fast-acting protein, in addition to the fact that it's high in L-Glutathione, which plays an important role in neutralizing free radicals and serves as a potent detoxifier in the body. (3) Whey is a good daytime protein, but I find that it's in and out of my system too quickly, and leaves me hungry almost immediately after I drink it. For this reason, I'm not a huge fan.

As for whey as a totally necessary component of post workout nutrition, I believe the strength training community has been snowed by the supplement industry. Whey is a waste product of the dairy industry- it's thrown away as a byproduct of the cheese production process if it's not purchased by the supplement industry. They've found a way to make money off something the dairy industry is really only too happy to give away, and they're making a mint. Whey concentrate and whey isolate have equal absorption rates- the only difference between the two is that concentrate has a lower total amount of protein per serving, because it's not as pure as isolate. thus, unless you're lactose intolerant, concentrate is a far better value because it's much cheaper per serving, by and large. In terms of PWO, WHEN you take protein after a workout is far more important than WHAT you consume. In the 45 minutes after a workout, muscle is tremendously sensitive to insulin, which drives the rebuilding of muscle due to low insulin resistance. Thus, it's better to have an inferior protein within 45 minutes of your workout than to wait 2 hours to have whey isolate when you finally get your ass home. There could be up to an 85% difference in absorption rates between the time immediately after your lift and the time when you chug a shake after hollering at the slut on the treadmill in the short shorts and driving home.(4)

AVOID SOY PROTEIN. Soy contains isoflavones, which have been shown to have an estrogenic effect on the body (they mimic the actions of estrogen, which means they could potentially inhibit muscle hypertrophy). While there's no definitive evidence to show that soy protein is estrogenic, it is always recommended to menopausal women to alleviate the effects of menopause. This would tend to indicate, anecdotally, that soy is highly estrogenic, as it's recommended to women as an alternative to estrogen supplementation.(5)

Gynecomastia and micropenis. Was soy to blame? I, for one ,would rather not find out firsthand. Sweet baby jesus, hand that guy a loaded gun and let him call it a day. Estrogen is bad. Nuff said.

So, how much protein should you be eating?
I shoot for a bare minimum of 2g per lb of bodyweight. That sounds excessive? Well, nothing exceeds like excess, and I'm not in the business of coming up short on anything (other than my height, haha. Fuck you, I like being a midget). Frankly, I'd much rather err on the side of too much protein than too little, for a variety of reasons.

First, there might be a correlation between high protein consumption and high testosterone, as low protein diets show increased levels of sex-hormone-binding-globulin, a chemical that attaches to testosterone and keeps it from becoming bioavailable.(6) This idea is not a new one, either- early vegetarian diet advocates like Sylvester Graham and John Kellogg advocated their diets as a way to suppress sexual urges and masturbation.

Next, lean protein has twice the thermic effect of fats or carbs. Thus, the more you consume, the faster your metabolism, because you're burning twice the amount of calories you would with other foods simply digesting the protein.(7)

Finally, it's difficult to determine exactly what the precise necessary amount of protein one should consume, owing to factors ranging from biochemical individuality in amino absorption, muscle fiber building efficiency, rate and efficiency of protein digestion, etc. Your body's excretion processes will adjust to suit your intake of protein, so there's really no reason (outside of time/financial constraints) NOT to consume massive amounts of protein.(8)(9)

Part 2 will cover why it's important to eat veggies, but not so much the fruits, and stimulants and test boosters but not NO products. Part three will then cover the importance of multivitamins, and anything I haven't covered by then, including random carbs.

I don't mince words... I just mince people. I like my women like I like my coffee- ground up and in the freezer.

1. Audette, Ray. Neanderthin. Pp. 79-80.
   
2. "Phytoestrogens, some good and some bad". http://www.cyst101.com/phyto.htm Coumestrol found in sunflower seeds when fed to the mother rat caused permanent reproductive problems in the rat pups: female pups when grown did not ovulate, and the male pups had altered mounting behavior and fewer ejaculations. Neonatal rats and immature rats exposed to coumestrol had premature estrous cycles.
3. Ivey, John and Robert Portman. Nutrient Timing. Pp. 126.
4. Nutrient Timing. Pp. 10.
   
5. Nutrient Timing. Pp 128.
6. Schuler, Lou, and Jeff Volek. The Testosterone Advantage Plan. Pp. 70-71.
7. Cordain, Loren. The Paleo Diet. Pp. 17.
8. Paleo Diet. Pp. 18. Scientists at the Royal Veterinary and Agricultural University in Copenhagen put 65 people on a high protein diet for 6 months and found that their kidneys easily adapted to increased protein levels, and that their kidney function was perfect at the end of the experiment.
   
9. Eades, Michael and Mary Eades. Protein Power. Pp. 138. A study from Germany showed that kidney function actually improved with increased protein consumption.
   

*The Issue Of Motivation

There comes a time in every man's life when he will lose his motivation. It might be due to personal issues, or the exigencies of life, sickness, injuries, or other assorted bullshit. This is not a time to sit back and reassess and hem and haw and wring your hands. This is a time when you have to fucking dig deep, figure your shit out, and forge the fuck ahead.

Right now, I've got a problem. Though I didn't manage to get it on film, a fact for which I am tremendously apologetic, as it would have been hilarious. I was doing BTN presses in a power rack that sandwiched me between the rack and a massive, hulking, retarded fucking vertical leg press that is a waste of fucking metal and currently holds the title of being the bane of my existence. In any event, I was probably on my tenth or twelfth single with 315, feeling the flow, working my magic, powering through the piss-poor performance of my injured left tricep, when I missed a rep, blasted myself in the back of the head on the decent of the rep. I caught the weight low, and then dropped my head and tried to dump the weight forward, so as to not rip my arms out of the sockets. As I shoved it forward, I shoved myself backward, slamming my weak link HARD into that dumbass vertical leg press. Since that incident two weeks ago, I've been mocked regularly for my retarded antics, in addition to the fact that I've refused to stop lifting, haha.

I think I am in need of medical assistance.

So, since that incident, my elbow has been nearly constantly swollen and pained, and it's left me pretty much incapable of doing pressing movements of any utility. As such, I've been hitting legs and deadlifts pretty fucking hard, which has resulted in my upper back cramping pretty much constantly.

Know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna take time off. That seems to be working well for the entire country, fat motherfuckers that they are.

I lie. I'm going to keep lifting, essentially the same way that I've been doing it, with an effort to increase my loading in other spots to compensate for the lack of loading on my pressing movements. Why would I do this? Because this is what men have done since time immemorial, and I'm damn sure not going to let down the people who managed to spread their genetic material through random acts of manliness and brutality by acting like a total pussy.

More than exercise selection, however, I've had to deal with the issue of maintaining my motivation in the face of a stack of injuries. The injuries themselves are frustrating enough, and exercise selection is a huge pain in the ass, but my issue really lies in the fact that I'm frustrated as hell with the fact that my efforts to circumvent my injuries with other exercises have led to constant cramping in my back and legs. So, what to do?

I'm going to man the fuck up. I'm eating more, sleeping more, and still hitting the gym six times a day. Furthermore, I'm reading a book that is filling me with a desire to man the fuck up, and I highly recommend it, especially if you liked my deevolution blog.
Postscript:

Apparently, I pumped myself the fuck up with the creation of this entry, because today's workout consisted of 48kg kettlebell hammer curls supersetted with close grip bench press, for an hour and a half, and my elbow feels fucking fantastic right now (literally, not sarcastically).
Close Grip BP
1x10x135
1x1x225
5x1x275
10x1x315
4x2x315
1x3x315
1x5x315
1x1x335
1x1x345
1x1x355
1x1x365
1x1x375 fail

Nearly every set was supersetted with kettlebell hammer curls with the 24, 36, and 48 kg bells.

Jeeeeeeezus. Rock the bells!

**Baddest Motherfuckers Ever #8- Milo of Croton

Paul Anderson was certainly an innovator, with his hole-in-the-ground-out-of-which-he-squatted-until-he-was-a-fucking-beast, but his innovation fully pales in comparison to that of Milo of Croton, who one day decided that he liked steak so much, he would carry around an ox calf on his back until it was big enough to be worth eating. So that's what he did. Every day for four years, he heaved a calf up onto his back and carried it around. Four years later, Milo walked around the stadium with the ox on his shoulders, then killed the thing, roasted up some steaks, and ate them right there in front of the throne of Zeus. I might hate progressive overload more than I hate AIDS, but that's some tough shit right there, especially given that a newborn calf weighs a around a hundred lbs, and a mature bull weighs between one and four thousand pounds.

Do the math on that. We'll say, for the sake of argument, that the calf weighed 100 lbs when he threw it on his back, and it weighed 2000 lbs at the end. That means that over the course of four years, it gained 1900 lbs. There are 1460 days in four years, so it gained about 1.3 lbs a day. Not enough to be noticeable, for certain, but it probably started adding up when that fucker got to be 500 lbs. No matter to Milo, though, since he still picked the fucker up and walked around with it on his back as he went about his daily schedule of training, eating, and general ass-whipping.

Milo, who was born in Italy (Magna Graecia), was well known for his feats of prodigious strength and for his voracious appetite, in addition to the fact that the guy was, for all intents and purposes, a living embodiment of Herecles. He was reputed to have been able to burst a band about his brow by simply inflating the veins of his temples and hold a pomegranate without damaging it while challengers tried to pry his fingers from it, in addition to clean and pressing a full-grown bull. If that wasn't enough, he had a wrestling career that spanned 26 years (536-520 BC), during which time he won 6 Olympic crowns, 7 at the Pythian games, 10 at the Isthmean games, and nine at Nemean games. Even Kurt Angle seems like a pussy by comparison.

Aside from crushing ribcages and lives in wrestling, Milo led Croton warriors against neighboring Sybaris while dressed like Herecles, rocking his Olympic crowns, a lion skin, and carrying a giant fucking club. Outnumbered 3 to 1, the athletes from Croton crushed the Sybarites on the field of battle, led by Milo himself.

I don't know about you, but I DEFINITELY want to storm the field one day, slaying my enemies while brandishing a large club and wearing nothing but animal skins, with the knowledge that I am unstoppable and nearly invulnerable to any and all human violence. We can all take a page out of Milo's book, though, and come to the realization that a focused human male is physically and mentally unstoppable, and that we're as brutal as we fucking want to be.

Worst. Picture. Ever.

Go be brutal.

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*... And On The Seventh Day, He Rested

The Barbarian Brothers were famous for their belief that "there's no such thing as overtraining; just undereating and undersleeping." My contention is, and has been, that this is very nearly 100% true. That's not to say that overtraining doesn't exist- it simply means that people are by and large pussies who are so pathetic in their refusal to actually do work that they'll find any excuse to skip a day or week of training.

Personally, I like to train. Fuck that, I love to train. I'll train through injuries, sickness, boredom, stagnation, shitty weather, and global cataclysms if need be, just because I actually LIKE to be in the gym.

You'll notice that my schedule rarely includes multiple days off a week. I might have light days necessitated by soreness, exhaustion, or scheduling conflicts and time constraints, but I will by and large be in the gym 6 days a week come hell or high water.

But what about the fact that a muscle NEEDS 72 hours of rest after training? That's a FACT! Oh yeah? Tell that to lumberjacks, or the guys who used to lay bridges at the turn of the century, working 6 days a week and swinging 18 lb sledges all day long. Think they worried about overtraining? Nope. Probably because they were too busy admiring their 17 inch forearms and eating and sleeping. Tell it to Eastern European olympic weightlifters who train for hours a day, 6 days a week, using over 80% of their 1RM the vast majority of the time. Think they worry about overtraining? Probably not, because they, too, are too busy eating or sleeping.

In case you're curious, here are the recovery times decided upon by Eastern European sports scientists:

Training Load of 1 Workout / Restoration Time (in hours)
Extreme ---> >72
Large ---> 48-72
Substantial --->24-48
Medium ---> 12-24
Small ---> 12

Zatsiorsky didn't elaborate on these training loads, so they seem somewhat arbitrary, but I'd state that they are dependant upon the individual as well. Go with your average training workload and adjust accordingly. That is, in effect, what I do, and the reason why I can justify training the same bodypart multiple days in a row. It is also an explanation for why I can be successful with the methodology I espouse- aside, of course, from the fact that I am a flaming asshole and not a total pussy.

Additionally, when I state that I generally train 6 days a week, this means I generally train 6 days a week over the course of the year. None of that programmed "week off every five "nonsense for me. Know why not? It's retarded, unnecessary, and motivated by sloth and a willful misunderstanding of the establishment of that methodology.

For those of you who don't understand it (I'm referring to you, Rippetoe), here's how the one week off every five system began:

The idea that one should take an off week once per five weeks is one that arose as part of the Eastern European training methodology. The Eastern Europeans based their training on a centralized method, whereby they would take their athletes from their home for a month at a time, forcing them to train around the clock in state-run gyms, often fueled by sub-standard food and under stressful, prison-like conditions. As a result, the athletes required a full week of rest thereafter, when they would travel home, visit with their families, refuel and recharge, and then return to their around-the-clock training. Westerners never train under such ludicrous conditions, and nor do they subject themselves to the volume of training that do Eastern Europeans.ⁱ As such, a week of rest after four weeks of “hard” training is not only unnecessary, but a laughable and pompous aping of the actions of people with no other choice, and who logarithmically out-train them even on the lamest and most pathetic of training days. Thus, if you take a week off every five, you are either retarded, tremendously weak of spirit, or training in a Soviet-era gym eating grade F meat and potatoes for every meal.

So, in essence, if you insist that you train so hard that you need a week off every month, you are a pussy, a liar, and generally a bag of shit. you should strongly consider drinking bleach the next time you're in the kitchen. You should never, ever, find yourself in the same room as a real man and open your mouth to do anything other than fellate him, as a token of your appreciation of his overwhelming awesomeness.

So, you might be wondering, when is it ok to take a couple of days off? Well, I'll tell you when I know that it's time:

1. When I have an injury of a sort that actually prevents me from doing any meaningful training. This does not include wisdom tooth extraction. I trained the same day I had my three impacted wisdom teeth extracted.
2. When I am suffering horrible cramping in a major muscle group, such as upper back or quads.
3. When you're on vacation.

That's it. I cannot envision another reason that would necessitate multiple days off in a row. If you have better shit to do, fine, but don't run around screaming about how you're averting overtraining, because you're being intellectually disingenuous and generally annoying.

Once more, no one ever got better at something by doing less of it.

iZatsiorsky, Vladimir M. Science and Practice of Strength Training. Champaign: Human Kinetics, 1995. Pp 110.

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