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11 October 2017

Fustigation Fury- Training To Fight From The Primeval To The Present, Part 1

Notorious (and somehow illiterate in a developed Western nation) Irish Traveller Paddy Doherty does little more than speak an unintelligible patois of Hiberno-English, Irish, and German, commit petty crime, and fight.

Humans have fought since time immemorial- we're an ornery lot.  Like other apes, men have fought to establish their position in the pecking order or to kill, but they've also fought for money and glory.  Over the years, humans have invented more ways to fuck each other up than one could count, ranging in scope and intensity from the on-its-face-ludicrous-but-apparently brutal Russian slap fighting to atomizing each other with nuclear weapons, but they all have one thing in common- the desire to inflict pain and damage upon one's opponent.

If WSM wanted to get super hardcore, they could always add the knives-strapped-to-the-triceps gambit to the axe hold... I have a feeling there'd be a lot of records broken the first day they used the Enter the 36 Chambers method.

Humans being the apex predators and unrepentant destructive psychotics that we are, have learned over the years that simply practicing technique is not enough when one must stand toe-to-toe with their opponent and attempt to impose their will on them- physical fitness, stamina, and strength are also key elements to victory.  As such, just about every style of combat ever developed has a concomitant training program that compliments and enhances it, just like good lube does for violent anal fisting.

Before we jump into strength and conditioning training for fighting, however, I'd like to clue you guys into some badass fighting styles that aren't often discussed, which is tragic because these styles are more awesome than a tandem blowjob from Tegan and Sara (or for the ladies... being doublestuffed by John Cena and the Rock?).

  • Russian Fist Fight.  This Russian martial art usually consists of two teams of Russian psychopaths pairing off and beating the everloving fuck out of each other, because vodka and Siberia and general evil are the prime motivators in everyday Russian life.  This sport is apparently the progenitor of the fight rule everyone thinks of as American as apple pie, the "don't hit 'em when they're down," which is an oddly pragmatic rule for a people seemingly obsessed with being little more than drunken villains from James Bond films.  Check out this awesome Little Big video that highlights this incredibly brutal Russian tradition.

    • Purring.  Also known as shin-kicking, this English martial art began as part of the Cotswold Olimpick Games in or around 1622.  One of several games so fucking weird that they could only have been the produce of bets between people so drunk that locomotion was a distant memory and in which double vision would be considered 20/20.  These games included a bizarre dance competition that featured the village retard as a referee called dwile flonking, piano smashing (I am not making that up). and sledgehammer throwing, so purring must have seemed like an event dreamt up by Michael Bolton while masturbating to the tune of Christopher Cross's horrific, worthy-of-being-sent-to-the-camps song "Best That You Can Do."  The sport, and I use that term very loosely, was a favorite pastime of the notoriously tough and insane Cornish miners grab each other by the collar and proceed to kick the ever-loving fuck out of each other's shins until one person quits.  Somehow, these fights are determined by the winner of two out of three matches, though I cannot envision how drunk one would have to be to do that more than once.  I would guess drunker than Robert Downey Jr when he broke into a neighbor's house and passed out in their kid's bed, which would leave me to believe this sport has its roots in drunks trying to liven each other up for the walk home after an epic day of drinking. 

    • Bartitsu.  This hundred-plus year old hybrid martial art has recently had a resurgence (possibly due to its popularization by the Art of Manliness website) and was mentioned several times in Sherlock Holmes stories.  Invented at the turn of the 20th Century by Edward William Barton-Wright, bartitsu was designed as a method of combat for English gentlemen that made use of stupid shit the English dandies of the time carried, like canes and umbrellas.  Equal parts jujitsu, schwingen (Swiss folk wrestling consisting mostly of giving your opponent a gnarly wedgie), savate, canne de combat, judo, and boxing.
    With that out of the way, onto training to fight, because knowing how to fight isn't worth shit if you're too weak and winded to impose your will on your opponent.

    Ancient Greek Pankratiasts
    Anyone else miss the old UFC/Vale Tudo rules?  Holy shit they ruled.  Everything permitted except eye gouging, fishhooking, and heatbutting?  YAAASSSSSS.  It was a time when Marco Rua used a foot stomp to win a fight, when people used to break their hands pounding their opponents into bloody hamburger, Wanderlei Silva earned his nickname "The Axe Murderer" for headbutting his way through an entire fight and had the ring looking like a scene from the Texas Chainsaw Massacre, and dumbass felon Kimo carried a massive cross to the cage.  Well, if you were to put much more skilled fighters like you'd see in vale tudo into that cage and less like those you saw in the first couple of UFCs, you'd have the sport pankration, introduced to the Olympics in 673 BC and well known for being the most brutal thing going in the ancient world.  It was a sport so fucking vicious that it enabled the Spartans to slaughter Persians with nothing more than their bare hands, teeth, and shattered lances at Thermopylae, and it made the Greek hoplites into some of the most fearsome fighters in human history.

    This Richard Simmons-lookalike, bizarrely enough, is apparently the world's foremost authority on one of the hardest styles of martial arts ever invented.

    Pankration matches were essentially slaughterfests, as crawling away from a fight crippled or dropping dead in the midst of a fight were about as common as shit-filled underwear after a trip to all-you-can-eat Indian restaurants.  Pankratists weren't simply more vicious than a rabid dog with its nuts caught in a mousetrap, either- they were fucking strong, and many could kick straight through a 16 lb bronze and oak aspis (hoplite shield).  Given that this shield essentially turned the hoplite into a tank, kicking through one was no small feat, and receiving a kick with that kind of force could be fatal if you caught one in the chest.

    Secure in the knowledge that in order to be bone-shatteringly strong, the hyperviolent death machines of ancient Greece heaved around some weights in addition to training techniques and sparring balls out for hours a day.  Stone lifting and throwing were two of the favorite strength tests and methods for building the type of strength that would allow them to snap limbs even as they were being strangled to death, ancient Greek fighters, as was the use of proto-dumbbells called halteres.  Additionally, they spent a hell of a lot of time stretching, running, shadowboxing, and training their "core" (oh, how I fucking loathe that term).  For the latter, they had a method worth mentioning because it deserves to be featured in Rocky 48- they would strike a punching bag as hard as possible, then tense their body for impact as the rebounding bag would slam into them like a 19 ton truck into a crowd of unsuspecting Europeans (Nurse).  Compounding that would be the events of their daily lives, which often included military training and hard physical labor.  To develop their strength even further, the athletes of ancient Greece would run at the end of the day and perform rigorous bodyweight exercises to transform their bodies even further into unstoppable, Terminator-esque death machines... which they then used to conquer the known world and defeat the largest army ever assembled to that point (Brown).

    Indian Pehlwani
    I've written an entire series about how the Indians trained and dieted to become some of the most badass wrestlers and strongmen in the world from the dawn of recorded history until the British ripped their balls off and fed them to the Indians like some fucking kobayashi.  Rather than rehash it, I'll just link it: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5.  That might be the most comprehensive analysis of badass, old school, sweat-your-fucking-balls-off-and-eat-ghee-like-you're-getting-paid-to Indian pehlwan training ever written. Matt Furey's got nothing on me.  You're welcome.

    If you want the TLDR version, you need look no further than the epic Indian wrestling badass, a man so fucking tough that wrestling him was akin to attempting to fuck up King Kong while afflicted with turf toe, gingivitis, and full-blownsies AIDS- the Great Gama.  Gama was fucking jacked, especially for turn of the 20th century and a region now known for spindly limbs and potbellies.  Born in the Punjab in 1878, this one-man-wrecking-crew of mustachioed wrestling glory came to prominence in his very first public match at age 17, in which he fought a literal giant with enough wins under his belt to make Goldberg's record look less fanciful.  Though the match ended in a draw, Gama defeated him in a rematch and was then touted as the next champion and proceeded to lay waste to everyone in India except the Indian champion.

    After a quick trip to Europe to trash all of the wrestlers on the continent (his first match was against Benjamin Roller, who had defeated Farmer Burns and Ed "the Strangler" Lewis among others, and Gama pinned Roller in a minute forty), defeated 12 wrestlers in a single day, won a forfeit by legendary strongman and 2-time world champion Stanislaus Zbysko (whom he later beat in under a minute), and then returned to India to mangle the World Champion there.  By the time he was 48, Gama held the belt for the World Champion in the United States and India, and retired having fought to a couple of draws but never having been defeated, even when he wrestled over a dozen men in a single day. Among his victories, Gama counted wins over strongman, Olympic Weightlifter and strongman Maurice Deriaz (who once defeated 44 opponents in a single wrestling tournament), ripped Swiss champion and all-around badass Johan Lemm, a bunch of judo and jujitsu practitioners, and the greatest wrestlers (and some of the largest humans on the planet) in India.

    Undefeated for over 50 years, the Great Gama was renowned for his strength and even fitness fanatic Bruce Lee was reportedly a rabid fanboy of Gama's workout routine.  When I say renowned, I mean he was Mountain-from-GoT-strong.  At one point, Gama allegedly lifted a 2.5 foot tall stone weighing 2645 pounds in a bear hug, and his even the strongest of the European strongman wrestlers claimed the Great Gama was the strongest man they had ever faced.  Gama was strong in the way a tyrannosaur was strong- his levels of strength and strength endurance seem hardly possible.
    "To give you the scope of his commanding physical presence, Gama had 30-inch thighs and a 56-inch chest.  His daily routine is said to have included 3,000 bethaks (free squats), 1,500 dands (jackknifing pushups), and a one-mile run with a 120-pound stone ring around his neck.  In 1908, two years before he went to London to compete for the world championship belt, Gama's regimen was increased to 5,000 bethaks and 3,000 dands.  Every morning he would also work out by wrestling with 40 compatriot wrestlers in the roayl court.  He also began listing with a 100-pound grndstone and a santola (a wooden barbell made from a tree trunik).  His phenomenal diet and exercise regimen were meant to develop a pervasive  and subtle energy rather than just the kinetic power of particular muscle groups.  Even at the age of 50, Gama was still doing 6,000 bethaks and 4,000 dands every day and wrestling with 80 compatriots in the royal court" (Shannon 159-160).
    To fuel these lunacy-tinged training days, Gama reportedly drank two gallons of milk and ate one and a half pounds of crushed almonds a day,a dn by the time he moved to England, he was eating a hell of a lot of animal products as well. 
    "As he grew older his training routine was intensified and his diet upgraded to include meat, butter, clarified butter, and yakhi, which Alter describes as a "boiled down glutinous extract of bones, joints, and tendons, which is regarded by many Muslim wrestlers as being a source of great strength, and being particularly good for the development of knees, ankles, and other joints." The amounts eaten by the Indian champions were prodigious, and Barkat Ali gives, with what truth I don’t know, the mature Gama’s daily diet as six chickens or an extract of eleven pounds of mutton mixed with a quarter pound of clarified butter, ten litres of milk, half a litre of clarified butter, a pound and a half of crushed almond paste made into a tonic drink, along with fruit juice and other ingredients to promote good digestion" (Noble).
    In short, he trained like his hair was on fire and his ass was catching and ate his fucking face off, and in the end his win-loss record reflected his insane work ethic and prodigious appetite.

    I might even get the scoop on how these chicks train.

    Up next, more wacky and wild martial arts, plus catch-as-catch can / no holds barred training and the strength training methods of karateka.  Additionally, I'll be publishing a "Chaos and Pain Reads It So You Don't Have To" article summarizing the best of what training magazines have to offer these days, and then the conclusion to the fight training series, which will feature the training methods of boxers throughout the ages, the training methods of judoka, and whatever else I decide to throw in there.  Until then, get your ass in the gym and do something epic.

    Brown, Eric.  Ancient Greek athletic training.  Livestrong. 11 Sep 2017.  Web.  24 Sep 2017.

    Dileep, Srikanth.  A forgotten wrestling legend: Perhaps the greatest of them all.

    The Great Gama.  Wikipedia.  Web.  11 Oct 2017.

    Noble, Graham.  The lion of the Punjab- Gama in England, 1910.  Journal of Alternative Perspectives.  May 2002.  Web.  17 Oct 2017.

    Nurse, Paul McMichael.  Pankration: Martial Art of Classical Greece.  Fighting Arts.  Web.  23 Sep 2017.

    Shannon, Jake.  Say Uncle!: Catch-As-Catch Can Wrestling and the Roots of Ultimate Fighting, Pro Wrestling, and Modern Grappling.  Toronto: ECW Press, 2011.

    05 October 2017

    Halloween-tastic Music, Books and Movies- Brutality You Need To Check Out This Month

    Anyone who knows anything about me knows I like my movies, books, and music so brutal they cause pregnant broads to spontaneously miscarry, priests to become draped with pustulant boils and then burst into flames, and SJWs to just die instantly in response to the many triggers they witnessed.  October is the best month to revel in this, as it's Halloween month.  As such, I thought it high time to drop a new movies, books, and music installment for you guys to ensure you're similarly fortified against those people who want to replace our Samhain revelry with "Harvest Festival" and other assorted Christian nonsense.

    The TCM prequel Leatherface opens Oct 20th.  W00t!!


    With the onset of Halloween, it only stands to reason that we should all be neck deep in horror movies whenever we're not fucking, fighting, lifting, or working.  As I've spent most of the last year being a degenerate, party beast, horror movie afficianado, and having asked repeatedly for recommendations that yielded the exact same results each time (A Serbian Film, Haute Tension, Martyrs, etc), I'm in a unique position to throw you guys a couple of bones for the month.  Before we begin, I'll mention that not all of these films are gore-fests- some of them are cooler than Vanilla Ice on a sportbike without being so gory you'll puke in your shoes during the opening credits.  Yeah, I know it might come as a shock, but gore and horror movie excellence are not intertwined.

    Eat- I am generally a terrible, partying my ass off person and failed in every regard to relate to you the details of this little-known gem, but you guys should seriously heed my advice here.  The protagonist of this film is anorexic and only eats when stressed, and she's stressed because she sucks as an actress.  The result: she eats herself when angry, sad, stressed, or generally out of sorts.  If you see a tampon pop into view, be prepared for a fucking bloodbath with this one.  It starts off seemingly all fired up about the Backstreet Boys (the opening credits make it look like it's going to be a PG13 "horror" film directed by whatever hack is responsible for that travesty  and ends a FUCKING BLOODBATH.  Autosarcophagy happens in this film.  Watch it (it's on Amazon Prime this month!).

    August Mordem Underground- This is without a doubt the most fucked up movie I have ever seen, for those of you who are fans of Stepbrothers, you'll know what I mean when I say that this is my Good Housekeeping.  AMU follows three full-blownsies psychopaths as they torture, rape, and murder people out of what appears to be sheer boredom.  Clearly directed by a guy who loves hardcore and crust punk and literally starring a woman named Crusty, a woman, her brother, and her boyfriend (both of whom she fucks throughout the film) do all kinds of shit like rape a woman while forcing her husband to cut his cock off with cuticle scissors and beat peopless heads in with hammers (the gore effects are fucking solid).  AMU is fun for the whole family, provided your family has severe mental illness and more sexual pathologies than have ever been recorded in one household.  Highly recommended for anyone who was bored by Anti-Christ and thought A Serbian Film could have been a bit more intense.

    It Follows: This movie is a distinctly slow-burn type of film, wherein there's not a lot of action aside from a couple of relatively gore-less deaths, but I love this movie because I'm relatively old (the Blair Witch was the shit when I was in high school), it's an innovative take on the genre, the art in the movie is doper than Michaelangelo trying to impress buyers so he can score a kilo of meth, and I' ve come to enjoy slow-burn films.  In any event, the film centers around a sexually-transmitted demon who stalks people who have ducked people he's already trying to kill, and the only way to pawn him off on another is to fuck someone or kill the demon.  WATCH THIS SHIT.

    Inside- The French are useless.  They bitch about the Germans, continue their entirely baseless claims to preeminence in cuisine, preside over the worst remaining vestiges of the Colonial Era in a couple of the filthiest shitholes in the third world, and generally suck in every possible way... save two.

    Hardcore and brutal gorefest films are the only redeeming qualities in a country known only at this point for having terrible politicians, ghettos in Paris that make Mogudishu seem relatively nice, and a language that sounds like retarded people babbling while trying to dislodge the peanut butter stuck on to the roofs of their mouths.  The New French Extremity movement in French film is fucking awesome- it's brought us gems like Martyrs (a cabal of evil rich people who torture people in an effort to make them have a martyr's vision of the afterlife), Frontiers (a couple fights off a small army of neo-nazi family members with a love for The People Under The Stairs), and Irreversible (I Spit on Your Grave in a subway tunnel, with waaaaaaaaay more rape), more gore in action films, and generally more goodness in the world.

    Beatrice Dalle: 10/10 WB

    Inside continues that grand tradition with a film centered on a pregnant woman scheduled to induce labor the next day as she's under siege by a mysterious attacker who wants to rip that baby out and keep it for herself.  Given that the film's opening credits scene is nothing but blood and bits of body flowing down a staircase, you should expect this movie to be almost as brutal as it ends up. Almost.  Plus, this thing is directed by the guys who did the new TCM prequel Leatherface and stars the ultra-sexy Beatrice Dalle, so this is a must watch for the Halloween season.

    Would You Rather-  While I am exhausted beyond death with this trope and still find myself wandering about the movie landscape with nothing but hate in my heart for the now tired "we dare you to do this shit for some money but it's not a game and you're fucked forever", Would You Rather brings the goods in all the ways that shit like 13 Sins and Nerve (among a half a dozen other movies with the same fucking theme).  As the movie poster indicates, someone has to take a razor blade to their own eye in this film, the plot of which involves people competing to win a game of "Would You Rather" in which quitting means death and winning means certain disfigurement.  Brutal, well-paced, and highly entertaining.

    Houses That October Built- One of the best Halloween-themed films I've ever seen, as well as one of the coolest found-footage films ever, HTOB follows a group of apparently amateur documentarians on a cross-country road trip to find the most balls-crazy extreme haunt in the US.  As they dig deeper into a haunt that appears to be more legend than reality, they run afoul of a group of haunt workers who then terrorize them throughout their trip.

    Watch this shit if for no other reason than the Porcelain Doll chick, who is one of the freakiest characters in any horror movie I've seen- I must've jumped a foot out of my fucking seat during her scene, and I'd be surprised if people didn't attack that actress on the street just on general principle.  The sequel is out now, but I'm saving it for Halloween itself to watch- might as well have something I know is gonna be both new and baller for the big day.

    Megan Is Missing- This movie is exceptionally fucked up, and because shit like this apparently happens in the real world, it's all that much more disturbing.  The movie centers around a chick looking for a friend who disappears after meeting up with a guy from the internet.  She finds her alright, but it's as much to her chagrin as Justin Long's trip down the chute in Jeepers Creepers, and she ends up an unwilling participant in extreme BDSM porn and a variety of other unsavory activities.  Not for the squeemish, and probably not for anyone with a daughter.

    Pod- This indie gem is what sci-fi horror should be and rarely is outside of the Alien series.  Plenty of jump scares, numerous plot twists, great gore effects, and decent creature effects make for an awesome addition to anyone's horror library.  This film was unique enough to warrant a couple of rewatches, and I plan on checking out his two latest movies, the western-horror Carnage Park and serial killer-fest Psychopaths this month.

    If you haven't heard the Infant Annihilator album that dropped last year, you need to.

    I've discovered some shit that has me spinkicking squat cages and terrifying normies as I gorilla stomp around the gym, and I've got the best of that shit listed for your listening pleasure.  For the band/album I've either linked them on Amazon or Bandcamp (support the bands you like and buy their shit, people), and for the best song bits I've linked their Youtube so you can get an idea of how awesome their shit is.  Check this shit out and go destroy something beautiful.

    Clawhammer- Infernum In Terra
    Brutal slam beatdown done to perfection by Brits who want to see blood on the floor at shows. Pig squeals missed with Shattered Realm-esque hardcore vocals and gutteral lows, thesemotherfuckers bring it on every fucking track.  If you threw old Waking the Cadaver in a blender with the Hoods and a bit of One Life Crew, this is what you'd get... pure, unadulterated brutality.

    Most CNP song: Lynching (featuring Rob and Phips from Brawl Between Enemies)

    Enemy Mind- No Safe Place
    I love Pittsburgh, and I love PGH hardcore.  Any hardcore or metal band from the Steel City is guaranteed to fucking bring it, and Enemy Mind goes hard as fuck.  Bringing back the old jockcore / toughguy style from the mid-to-late 90s, Enemy Mind will fill the gap left in anyone's heart who misses Shattered Realm (with their original singer), Hoods, Irate, or NJ Bloodline, and will have you tearing the fucking gym apart while screaming along with EM's gruffer-than-gargled-glass vocals.

    Most CNP song: Dead WrongToughguy at its finest, rocking lyrics like "I hope you can run / skinny shit talking motherfucker run fast.  Chase your punk ass to the ends of the Earth / know when I catch you I'ma beat your ass.  Look at me / I'm the one that did this.  Close your mouth and mind your business.  Keep my name out yo mouth dude / whatcha gonna say when I come for you?"  Yes.  This is that kind of wignorant awesome.

    Nasty- Realigion
    The only badass thing to happen in Belgium beside their insane deathground stand against a German army that outnumbered them ten to one in the First World War is Nasty, who are rightly recognized as the kings of European hardcore.  Over the years, these lunatics have put out increasingly brutal albums and garnered a more and more rabid following, culminating in their newest album Realigion (I guess it's a religion of being "real").  Packed with more breakdowns and "blechs!" than anyone's ever manage to wedge into 30 minutes, this fucking thing goes hard to the paint and make you want to kick old ladies down the stairs and smash everything in sight.

    Most CNP songs: At War With Love and Rock BottomAll breakdowns and badassery, and the video is thoroughly entertaining.

    Built Upon Hatred- Tha Promo and S/T

    If you don't know what slam beatdown is, you really need look no fucking further than this band- super fucking brutal deathcore vocals, the occasional pig squeal, and lyrics so fucking tough you'd think they were a collaboration of Charles Bronson and Carl Panzram (I've listened to the Last Podcast on the Left series on the man twice in the last week because it's that fucking awesome) with some assistance from the singer of No Zodiac, who is the spiritual heir to Panzram.  I think I had these guys on shuffle all/repeat all for about three weeks of amazing lifting in July, and nothing makes weight less noticeable than Michael Cera's serum testosterone than pure, unadulterated hatred.

    Most CNP song: The Faults in my Peers.  Frankly, half the reason I love this song is because of the drop from Alpha Dog that's followed by a breakdown so brutal it might liquify your bowels the first time you hear it: "Fuck that- it's a promise.  No matter where you go, no matter what you do, I'm gonna hunt you down. I'm gonna hunt you down and then I'm gonna slit your throat and then I'm gonna cut you open and then I'M GONNA EAT YOUR MOTHERFUCKING HEART! YOU BETTER PRAY, JOHNNY YOU BETTER FUCKING PRAY THAT THE COPS FIND YOU BEFORE I DO! GET ON YOUR COCKSUCKING KNEES AND PRAY!"

    Clench Your Fist- Break the Jaw

    I am a massive Nasty fan, as you might know if you've been following the blog for a while, and I just realized that the reason I love this band so much is because they're basically just a Nasty clone... and I have no problem with that whatsoever.  Straight up beatdown hardcore the way it ought to be.

    Most CNP song: Kalasjnikov.  Want a song that is basically just a break down that continually gets broken down over and over until it's pure sludge to which you can make weights your doe-eyed bitch for a couple of minutes?  Fire up this fucking banger.

    Ded- Mis-An-Thrope
    I realize that all of the tr00 metal and hardcore bros reading this are about to get their panties in a bunch harder than a social justice warrior in strip club populated only by Eastern European transplants with daddy issues and racist tattoos, but I couldn't give less fucks, because sometimes nu-metal is a good time.  This is one of those times- Ded, in spite of their terrible name, is heavily influenced by hardcore bands (the singer even rocks a Trash Talk shit in one of their videos) and is reminiscent of early Slipknot.  We all know that S/T and Iowa-era Slipknot was the shit, and this band is a nice break from my constant beatdown and slam beatdown rotation.  Catchy hooks, not too much in the way of clean vocals, impressive percussion... this shit is something you could play while tearing ass down Rt 101 in California with the windows down when you needed something heavier than Pennywise to listen to.

    Most CNP song: FMFY.  Yeah, it's a little "Fuck you, you fuckin' fuck" style, but it's very reminiscent of Slipknot's epic banger "Heretic", so you really are obligated to like it in spite of the their stupid band name.

    Gassed Up- Conflict and Judgement EP
    Awesome beatdown wiggercore out of Britain.  Bust out your favorite flatbrim hat and get ready to punch anything nearby the second the track kicks in.  Imagine Fury of Five if they were worth a shit, E-Town Concrete if they didn't go softer than baby shit in an Indian monsoon, or Hacktivist if they were talented.

    Most CNP song: ConflictWignorance at its finest, with a random Michael Jackson riff in it to match the lyrics.  Doper than any street corner in a Philly ghetto.

    I just discovered Monster Hunter International is now a role playing game as well, which means I need to grab a 20 sided die this weekend and find a pack of nerds with whom I can play this.

    Much like with the other two categories, if I were to list all of the books I've read since the last installment, this would end up being a ten part series at the very least.  As such, I'll remind you guys that the Monster Hunter International series is phenomenal and still going, with Larry Correia teaming up with some of Baen's best authors to bring you super hard-boiled monster-slaughtering action.  Aside from that, I've been reading occult shit ranging from the The Black Book of Satan and Hands-On Chaos Magic (which is a pretty awesome book that utilizes a hell of a lot of neuro-linguistic programming) and The Wisdom of Eosphorus (which I highly recommend to anyone with any interest in the Left Hand Path) to The Book of Wotan (an excellent introduction and guidebook to Odinist practices that contains the full Havamal) and The Traveler's Guide to the Afterlife.  I've covered a lot of ground, very little of which has bothered with books about training because most of those books are either drier than a thousand year old Egyptian aristocrat or so derivative to the point of being offensive.

    Dave vs. the Monsters series by John Birmingham
    This series is similar in many regards to the MHI series I've mentioned above, but with more of a rough-edged, salt-of-the-Earth-meets-asshole-drunken-fuckboy-jock flair.  This series follows Earth's unlikely champion against the hordes of demons who think of humans as food, who proceeds to lay waste to them using his trusty maul named Lucille.  Amidst all of this, "the Dave" drinks and fucks his way to fame, chilling with celebrities and shirking whatever duties the government heaps upon him.  Yeah, these books are fucking tits, and you need them in your life.

    Every Single Book by Joe Abercrombie
    I've been trying to come up with my favorite book by Joe Abercrombie, and I'm at a loss.  Every one of his books is perfect preworkout material, as his books are filled with badass quotes and the kind of hack-and-slash action that gets your blood pumping and makes you want to fuck shit up.  Not only are the characters in his stories witty as hell, but their casual philosophical nature makes for great brain candy and food for thought, as well as providing badassery for maximum pumpitude in the gym.  Behold:
    • “Love is a fine cushion to rest upon, but only hate can make you a better person.” 
    • “You should laugh every moment you live, for you'll find it decidedly difficult afterwards.”
    • “Suffering is what gives a man strength, my boy, just as the steel most hammered turns out the hardest.”
    • “Truly, life is the misery we endure between disappointments.” 

    Honour Imperialis (Warhammer 40k Omnibus) by by Aaron Demski-Bowden, Rob Sanders, and Steve Lyons
    Warhammer novels are very hit and miss, in my experience, but this omnibus was amazing from start to end.  I can't imagine any of you are unfamiliar with Warhammer, so I'll just say these books are twice as well-written and violent as any other Warhammer novels ever put to paper, and if you pass this omnibus by you will regret it on your deathbed.  It's that good.

    The Silence- Time Lebbon
    By far and away the best horror novel I've read in the last few years, The Silence combines the best parts of Night of the Living Dead and Pitch Black to produce the most unique horror plot I've ever read.  A team of spelunkers uncovers a new cave system in Romania and unwittingly release a new, horrible creature into the outside world.  This creature is essentially a blind, flying rat with a chainsaw for a mouth that hunts and destroys the slightest sound, laying eggs in the corpses of its victims that hatch at further sounds or vibrations.  The story follows a family who knows sign language because the daughter is deaf, and they utilize that to remain alive during an apocalypse the world was ill prepared to handle.

    So there you have it- shit that will entertain you through this awesome season, fuel epic lifts, and stoke the fires of your soul to ensure that you crush your opposition and destroy everything they hold dear.

    Up next, part one of my Fustigation Fury: Fight Training from the Primeval to the Present series.  That one is shaping up to be epic, so keep your eyes peeled for it to drop Sunday or Monday.

    02 October 2017

    Peanuts- Poisonous Protein-Packed Pellets Of Doom

    Recently, Chaos and Pain started distributing product through Tiger Direct, and I'm going to be providing content to them once a month.  Since I already had this article partway written, I submitted it to them for publication.  Tragically, they're nerfing the shit out of my language, but this article is pretty badass and I want to spread the word about the evils of peanuts (apparently George Washington Carver wasn't the swell guy everyone seems to think), so you can read the un-nerfed beginning here and then follow the link to finish it.

    Fuck peanuts.  Fuck peanuts in their stupid asses.

    If there isn't anyone reading who has at some point been strapped for cash and has thus resorted to living on peanut butter sandwiches, I'm a Chinese jet pilot- we've all done it.  And having done so, I have bad news for the lot of us- peanuts are in fact poisonous, protein-packed pellets of doom, and they will give you cancer if you eat them frequently enough.  Seriously, peanuts appear to be only slightly less carcinogenic than radium and although they are tasty, you should think strongly about never eating them again.  Ever.

    Saddam knew the awesome killing power of peanuts.

    Scoff all you want, fuckface, but they're poisonous because they're packed clown-car style with aflatoxins.  Aflatoxins are hyper-poisonous carcinogens that come from fungi that grows on a variety of different foods ranging from corn to peanuts, and the shit is serious- though acute aflatoxin poisoning occurs about as often as Amy Shumer skips a meal, chronic, lower-level exposure is both difficult to identify and more insidious than body-snatching ghosts in shitty Canadian "horror" films.  No one's eating a pickup truck bed's worth of peanuts in a sitting, but you a  pretty damn likely to do so over the course of a lifetime, and that's where the problems arise.  Chronic exposure to aflatoxins is a problem you don't want to have- it leads to immunosuppression, cirrhosis, and liver cancer (Hardick). 

    Less lethal than peanuts.

    Wait, it gets even better!  Of the 20 different aflatoxins, aflatoxin B1 is considered to be by far the worst, and guess where it's most prevalent?  You guessed it- peanuts.  According to the ever-helpful Wikipedia, aflatoxin B1 "is highly implicated in hepatocellular carcinoma [a type of liver cancer that usually only occurs in people with chronic liver disease or cirrosis] in humans" and it "also been shown to be mutagenic [it alters your fucking DNA], teratogenic [turns fetuses into unspeakable horrors or miscarriages], and to cause immunosuppression" in animals (Wikipedia).   Oh yeah, aflatoxins can do more damage than Michael Meyers on bath salts, viagra and cheque drops in a sorority house.  Check out this list of bodily functions aflatoxins [read: peanuts] can mangle (Lee):

    • Respiratory: Pulmonary edema, cancer
    • Cardiovascular: Heart inflammation
    • Neurological: Reduced oxygen flow, headache, neuron death, encephalopathy, impaired memory, insomnia, disorientation, loss of coordination; tumors in both central and peripheral nervous system
    • Gastrointestinal: Liver damage, liver cancer, vital hepatitis, parasite infestation
    • Urinary: Kidney damage and tumors
    • Reproductive and Developmental: infertility, teratogenic, abnormal growth and development in children
    • Endocrine: Tumors and cancer
    • Blood: Blood and bone cancers
    • Immune: Immunosuppression, autoimmune reactions and allergies
    • Other: Mitochondrial malfunction, interference with protein and RNA synthesis, apoptosis (cell death)
    Want to find out the rest of the story?  Check it out at Tiger Direct's site.  A new Movies, Music, and Books blog will be dropping presently.