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30 April 2012

Chaos And Bang Your Earholes #3

It's this good.


This is the best of the bunch and by far the longest.  In this, we cover myriad street fighting questions, some training, and I give my no-fail technique for going down on chicks.  Solid fucking gold, right here.



Incidentally, if you want to get Chaos and Bang content without all of the titties, go here.

28 April 2012

I Am Not A Superhero


In the late 1990s I was a street rep for the label Equal Vision Records, mostly because I had a hardon for the straightedge toughguy band Another Victim and Rob Fusco's old band, One King Down.  While I was a rep, the label sent me a copy of Bane's best disc.  Bane's not generally my style- it's too posi and lacks breakdowns, which are cardinal sins in my book.  In looking over some online discussions about lifting, however, I realized Bane's song "Superhero" were pretty appropriate, given the fact that people seem to think that I'm some kind of weightlifting virtuoso forged in the fires of Hades and sent to Earth to destroy records and demean those beneath me.  While the latter portion is certainly true, the former isn't- I didn't come out of the gates ripping shit up in the gym- I started out piss weak and chubby.  I, however, hated weakness in myself so much that it drove me to where I am now, and even on the level where I currently sit, it still pisses me off when there's something I don't know or a weight I can't lift.  Rather than being born into this, I grew into this, fueled far more by contempt and conceit than genetics or an ontological preparation for greatness.

This might be straight up homocore, but I've never seen kids go that fucking bananas at a Hatebreed show.

The lyrics to the song, if you couldn't understand them, basically amount to what I've been saying all along- you're not genetically predisposed to being a pile of shit any more than I am.  You have the keys in your genes to be fucking badass, if you'll just take five minutes out of your day to stop being such a fucking pussy.  To wit, the crux of the song:
Well, there is nothing in me
that you don't have
deep within your fucking self

Yes, the body is weak
but the mind is stronger
it controls the body
you are not a slave.

And I am not a superhero!

You see, the difference between hard and impossible
well, it's a thousand miles wide
but that's not what you want to hear.
don't live a lifetime of regret.
You, hopefully sans weeping.

Lest you think I'm going soft on you motherfuckers, this isn't going to amount to a gentle reminder to stop being a sloppy sack of dogshit- this is me dragging you up off your fucking couch by your lapels and beating this message into your stubborn fucking skull, until you look like Joe Stevenson after BJ Penn beat on him for a few minutes.  The bullshit I see in meets and on the internet has to fucking stop.  Stop being satisfied with good enough.  Stop championing mediocre shit.  Stop making fucking excuses and blathering on about what separates you from the people who embarrass you in competition, physical or mental, and sack the fuck up.  There's no dignity in defeat and there's no rationalization that will make your poor performance seem like anything but.  We've grown so fucking soft was a species we don't even deserve to claim a heritage from Cro-Magnon man- we've devolved hideously since his day, and are reliant on diversions so effete and decadent that a foppish 18th Century English dandy would seem like he was plate fucking steel compared to the best of us.
Harder Than You Crew, c. 1890.

This isn't entirely our fault- we simply had the misfortune to be born in an era where we're surrounded by creature comforts and leisure, although that came with the requisite safety and free time to pursue such frivolous activities as picking up heavy shit for hours a day simply to do so.  We can turn back the clock, however, and forge our bodies and minds of steel if we so choose.  Clearly, the first step down this road is that you have to want it.  Not you want it in the Irongarmx.net manner, where they fellate each other in TRX bondage setups while blabbering on about strength sports gossip- I'm talking about wanting to achieve something fucking awesome.  If you're already there, sweet.  Step One is to stop making excuses for why you can't reach your goals.  If you don't want it, stop reading this fucking article and go drown yourself in a puddle of dog piss, because you're beneath contempt.

If you're already hitting your goals, sweet.  Go watch some porn and sling one out, as this shit will likely rehash shit you already know.  If not, it's time to put on your big boy pants and accept the fact taht you're likely mentally weak if you're physically weak.  I realize this flies in the face of dogma and is causing you to whine like a rich bitch on one of those Housewives show when anything whatsoever happens, but it's the sad fucking truth.  Mental toughness can be learned, though it comes as second nature to some people.  According to psychologist Robin Rosenberg, mental toughness has four components.  They are:
  1. "Control: a sense of control of yourself and what happens to you; that is, a sense of being able to shape your destiny rather than passively accepting events as fated." (Rosenberg Toughness)
  2. "Commitment: a strong sense of being committed to yourself and your work. That is, being fully involved in something, giving it your best shot."(Ibid.)
  3. "Challenge: a tendency to see life's downs and obstacles and challenges to be met rather than as threats." (Ibid.)
  4. "Confidence: A belief in yourself and your ability to meet your goals."  (Ibid.)
If brains looked like this, I would be a master of trephination and my cock would currently be covered in cerebral cortex.

If you hadn't already noticed, these are key points that I've obliquely covered over the course of the blog, and I agree completely with her assessment.  The first point is one I've tried to drive home like I'm Nick Manning and your brain is Alektra Blue- you're in control of your own destiny, not your genetics.  there's nothing wrong with your genetics unless you were born with fucking flippers and your head is on backwards.  What's missing is a weighty ball sack and a burning desire to destroy shit.  The second point is also fairly important, as I see a lot of shit about myself on the internet about how I can only do the things I do because I devote an inordinate amount of time to my craft.  While that's likely true, I've specifically structured my life in such a way as to allow that.  I'm fucking committed to dominating strength sports.  For those who remark that I've nothing in my life but work and lifting, that's not entirely true- I spend a couple of hours a day inciting a revolution on the internet.  As such, I'm wedging training in between two jobs that come out to about 80 hours a week.  I don't want to hear about your kids and your sick grandma and your syphilis- those are naught but excuses.  If you want to be awesome, figure out a fucking way to the get to the top of the mountain, by hook or crook, and schedule your life accordingly.  The third point, then, is extremely important, as you're bound to get waylaid by road agents, encounter rock slides, get swept up in tornadoes, and fall off the occasional metaphorical cliff.  that shit comes with the territory.  As such, the key is to treat that shit as a boon- they're just new tools to aid you in figuring out how best to keep moving forward.  Every setback is a blessing from the gods, as they've given you the opportunity to prove to yourself and the world exactly how fucking hard you really are. Finally, you need to have the confidence to pull the whole lot off.  "With a high sense of self-belief and an unshakeable faith that they control their own destiny, [confident] individuals can remain relatively unaffected by competition or adversity."(Rosenberg Toughness)


So, the key is getting to the point where you feel like you're going to piss excellence every morning when you roll out of bed.  If you're not already supremely confident, don't fucking worry about it- I've got you covered.  Studies have recently shown that you can definitely fake it til you make it, just by standing or sitting in certain positions for a couple of minutes a day.  "High-power posers experienced elevations in testosterone, decreases in cortisol, and increased feelings of power and tolerance for risk; low-power posers exhibited the opposite pattern. In short, posing in displays of power caused advantaged and adaptive psychological, physiological, and behavioral changes, and these findings suggest that embodiment extends beyond mere thinking and feeling, to physiology and subsequent behavioral choices.  That a person can, by assuming two simple 1-min poses, embody power and instantly become more powerful has real-world, actionable implications."(Carney)  This is pretty fucking awesome, and the effects are actually cumulative.  "Over time and in aggregate, these minimal postural changes and their outcomes potentially could improve a person’s general health and well-being. This potential benefit is particularly important when considering people who are or who feel chronically powerless because of lack of resources, low hierarchical
rank in an organization, or membership in a low-power social group."(Carney)
High power poses take up a lot of space.  Hands on hips. legs, spread, arms loose at your sides, etc.

We've all seen this in action- the broads who look like they've got a mini-black hole embedded into their chest because they appear to be collapsing into themselves, the fat motherfucker with the slumped shoulders trudging through the gym like his fucking back is broken, and the bigger gyms who walk with their chins up, meeting the eyes of everyone they pass.  I'm not saying you need to bow up on motherfuckers in the gym or develop a critical case of inflated lat syndrome, but just to start walking with a straight back and your chin up.  there's  reason why th military insists on it- it fucking works.  When you act powerful, you feel powerful.  When you act like a bitch, you feel like one.  Thus, if you're the bitch of the bunch in the gym, just standing with your hands on your hips, rather than trying to curl into the fetal position while standing is going to bring your squat up out of the region of "fatal embarrassment" into "somewhat passable."  This isn't just because your test levels are raised and you're feeling more confident, etiher- you'll be able to grind harder on big lifts because people who adopt "dominant poses displayed higher pain thresholds than those who adopted submissive or neutral poses."(Bohns)
A message to the ladies- you know how you like to twist yourself into a fucking pretzel in awkward situations?  FUCKING STOP IT.  You're killing your squat and your libido at the same goddamn time.

I'm far from done, lest you worry.  More to come on this shit in the coming weeks.  In the meantime- be the victor or be a fucking victim.  the choice is yours. Whatever you do, stop being such a flaming pussy on the internet.

Sources:
     Bohns VK, Wiltermuth SS.It hurts when I do this (or you do that): Posture and pain tolerance.  J of Exp Soc Psychol 2012 (48):1 341-345.
     Carney DR, Cuddy AJC, Yap AJ.  Power Posing: Brief Nonverbal Displays Affect Neuroendocrine Levels and Risk Tolerance. Psychol Sci. 2010 Oct;21(10):1363-8. Epub 2010 Sep 20.  http://www.people.hbs.edu/acuddy/in%20press,%20carney,%20cuddy,%20&%20yap,%20psych%20science.pdf
     Rosenberg, Robin.  Forging Steel. Part 2: Soldiers, Superheroes, and Resilience.  The Superheroes.  Psychology Today.  10/22/11.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-superheroes/201110/forging-steel-part-2-soldiers-superheroes-and-resilience
     Rosenberg, Robin.  On Mental Toughness.  The Superheroes.  Psychology Today.  09/01/11.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-superheroes/201009/mental-toughness
     Rosenberg, Robin.  Superhero Stance.  The Superheroes.  Psychology Today.  7/13/2011.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-superheroes/201107/superhero-stance
     Troy AS, Mauss IB.  Resilience in the face of stress: emotion regulation as a protective factor.  Chapter appeared in S. Southwick, D. Charney, M. Friedman, & B. Litz (Eds.), Resilience to stress. Cambridge University Press. Published online.  http://www.du.edu/psychology/erl/troy%20mauss_resilience.pdf  

26 April 2012

Be a Real Muhfuckin' G In The New Hooligan Shirt


I have a received a stupid number of compliments on this shirt, and for good reason- it fucking rules.  Pictured is a Medium, and for reference purposes, Paul from LRB rocks a large.  I've also got some chick 'beaters with the same design, but have yet to get a chick into one of them for a pic.

The shirts are Hanes 9.1 oz Heavyweight Tagless 100% cotton shirts, so just like the PainBreed shirts, they'll grip the bar when you're back squatting and won't be too easy to rip while kicking people in the face at a Recon show or fucking.  Get them now at by clicking the Paypal button on the side.  I know there will be several of you clamoring for Google Checkout, but Google's a pain in my ass and I'm going to avoid it unless I'm overwhelmed with a tide of whining (which I fully anticipate).  Email me at chaos_and_pain@yahoo.com if you're desperate for a shirt and can't be bothered to Paypal like an adult with dignity and self-respect.

23 April 2012

Chaos And Bang Your Earballs #2


We aspire to reach this level of awesome.

Another installment of Paul and I babbling on about all sorts of bullshit. This one includes some bizarrely homosexual questions, a shitload of training discussion, and some astonishingly dull porn.  You guys failed on the porn.

 Download HERE if you can't stream it.  Still working on your myriad enhancement requests, which thus far include video, iTunes, and live streaming.

20 April 2012

Apex Predator Diet For Athletes and Italians (APD + Carbs)

When I first posted about my concept for the Apex Predator Diet, I received a spate of emails asking me about pre-, peri-, and post-workout carbohydrates.  As I've stated more than once before, I think that the current infatuation with those three facets of one's nutrition are perhaps the most absurdly overblown distraction from critical points of training and nutrition one could have.  It's like a leper colony appealing to the UN for condoms and zit cream.  People obsessed with peri-workout nutrition come in exactly one form- people who have no fucking clue what a real workout is, clad in whatever the trendy workout gear of the moment is, making a fucking production of making a shake midworkout and getting in my fucking way when I'm trying to get water in between sets.  That's right- if you're focused with laser-like intensity on your mid-workout nutrition, you're a fucking bitch.  When you're lifting, you should be concerned with weights, not Biotest supplements and waxy maize.
Jon Cole, beast of all beasts.  First man to squat 900, and an unreal 1200 total (430 press, 340 snatch, and a 430 push jerk) at the same weight in weightlifting, a sport for which he really didn't train and rarely competed.  This man was wildly unconcerned with his peri-workout nutrition.


As for the pre- and post-workout nutrition guys, they're certainly a lesser form of evil, probably duped into thinking that shit is of critical importance through the constant barrage of marketing that pervades every corner of life.  For every person who states that pre- and post-workout nutrition is of critical importance if you want to gain mass and strength, I've got 100 people to name who did it without either, and a cock to slap across your lips.  That's not to say, however, that there's no benefit to be gained from either, but rather that their combined importance is still far less than that of the workout itself.  Given the fact that you're reading this, it's highly likely that you know this, so I'll be happy to impart a bit of knowledge on the subject of pre- and post- workout carbohydrate meals and their utility in the Apex Predator Diet.


That stated, I'll address the athletes who've expressed their concerns about consuming a ketogenic diet while participating in a sport that involved more than simply grunting and picking up heavy shit.  I personally have followed a ketogenic diet while wrestling and found I had no problem with energy provided that I kept my calories relatively high.  At that time, I was wrestling at 134 pounds and my diet consisted, as I recall, of pork sausage patties for breakfast and about a dozen hamburger patties throughout the rest of the day, in addition to the very occasional protein shake.  At the time, I hadn't really jumped onto the supplementation bandwagon, so I really didn't consume much in the way of supplements outside of my favorite ephedrine-filled supplements ever- Metaform Heat and Ultimate Orange.  For those of you too young to know about either of these supplements, they had so much caffeine and ephedrine in them that meth addicts were scared to take them.  Both of them tasted like fruit flavored cat shit, but they got you fucking going.  As such, I'll reassert my support for the consumption of stimulants, especially for those of you who need extra energy for running around and the like.  Once more, they're not necessary, but they're helpful, just as the inclusion of carbohydrates might be if you're not as genetically well-suited to ketogenic dieting as I am.
Oh, how I long for thee, Metaform Heat.


Tinkering with the Apex Predator Diet
I've stated time and time again that it's imperative that you experiment with anything and everything you try in order to maximize your personal benefit.  Doing so would generally necessitate a fair amount of research, but give my penchant for research, I've tried to do a fair amount of the legwork for you.  One concern some people have had with the Apex Predator Diet is that they experience a tremendous amount of lethargy a couple of days into the low carbohydrate phase of the APD.  Given the amazing array of biochemical makeups one could have, this should come as no surprise- I've never suggested that anything I do is "one size fits all."  In my still unfinished Metabolic Typing series, I outlined various metabolic typing methodologies, but the current trend is to divide people into Protein, Carb, or Mixed types.  It's possible to transition from one to the other, according to some authors, so making that attempt might be worthwhile.  


As I mentioned in the ATA about the diet, Lyle McDonald and Dan Duchaine both suggested the use of an Isocaloric diet if one is shifting from a traditional high carb, low fat diet into a ketogenic diet.  An interesting study by Stephen Phinney examined the initial investigations into ketogenic diets for endurance energy, and his study uncovered exactly what Duchaine and McDonald alluded to- the body often requires at least a two week acclimation period to wean athletes off their carbohydrate diet.(Phinney)  Thus, your "carb crash" might be mitigated by the gradual transition.  Something like the Zone Diet might help people who would be considered Carb-Types according to a Metabolic Typing test transition to a Protein Type.  A month of Zone Dieting, however, might not be enough to complete the transition, and you might experience the crash Phinney noted.  The Inuit, according to Phinney, dealt with energy lags by greatly increasing their consumption of fat and decreasing their protein intake accordingly, while other authors have suggested taht fat could be decreased and carbs could be increased accordingly.  The key, then, is to determine what works best for you.  That is, of course, the entire purpose of the Apex Predator Diet- to allow one to shed fat while gaining muscle and strength.  Luckily for me, I'm well-suited to ketogenic dieting.  For those of you who aren't, or feel as though you need more quick energy to facilitate sporting competition or just to fuel your workouts, there is hope for you yet.
Efferding rocks a fairly unique diet of 50% fat, 23% carbs, and 27% protein, for instance.  It's all about finding your person sweet spot, which he's clearly done.


A Historical Aside
Before you delve into the following bits about the utilization of carbohydrates to spur greater athletic performance, I'll go ahead and make a quick aside- a quick study of the entirety of human history will lead to one inevitable conclusion.  Humans do not require carbohydrates to perform at a high level.  The history of agriculture is essentially the history of human collectives in areas of high population densities- carbohydrates provide a cheap, easy way to feed a large population in a small area.  Put another way, carbohydrates are the fare of plebians and slaves, as crops were grown to feed the menial workers cheaply and to keep them alive while they built absurd buildings like ziggurats and pyramids.  As I've shown before, humans were larger and more muscular in the paleolithic era than the neolithic, and those peoples credited with being the strongest and most muscular in recorded history were all nearly entirely carnivorous.  The peoples considered to be the scourges of Europe were always nomads, championing animal husbandry and looking down upon agrarian societies as prey- the Huns, Goths, Mongols, Scythians and Sarmatians all ate similar diets that consisted of little more than meat and milk.  Of the Goths, Tacitus noted that "Feasts and entertainments, which, though inelegant, are plentifully furnished, are their only pay. The means of this bounty come from war and rapine. Nor are they as easily persuaded to plough the earth and to wait for the year's produce as to challenge an enemy and earn the honour of wounds. Nay, they actually think it tame and stupid to acquire by the sweat of toil what they might win by their blood."(Tacitus)  Though the latter two tribes eventually adopted agriculture, their agricultural products were the fare of those who remained behind with the villages, rather than those who rode into battle.  The Huns and the Mongols took this even further, eating little more than horse and game meat, and drank mare's milk and horse blood to supplement their nutrition.  This diet hardly hamstrung them- it enabled them to conquer vast territories while constantly outnumbered, and fueled legends of their incredible ferocity.(Turnbull 30)
“looming on horseback 8 ft above the ground, screaming maniacally, capable of unleashing repetitive and deadly fights of triple-edged arrows, they must have seemed the very embodiment of horror to those who had to stand and fight them. Nor were such fears unwarranted, for Scythian warriors regularly beheaded their enemies and sometimes even skinned them whole. If an enemy were known personally, his skull might receive a special treatment: sawn through below the eyes, it would be cleaned and painstakingly fashioned into richly appointed drinking vessel. Not surprisingly, Scythian ceremonies especially royal funerals, were drenched in blood: sometimes these drinking vessels were filled with enemy blood, mixed wine and after arrowheads were dipped into it, the concoction was imbibed by the Scythian chieftain."(Mann 4)
Contrast these diets of these lean, mean killing machines with that of the gladiators.  Gladiators in the Roman era were generally captives obtained from battles with neighboring tribes, all of whom generally subsisted on meat.  As such, they were generally described in accounts by ancient authors as huge framed, broad shouldered, muscular, and wild eyed,(Tacitus, Jordanes, Turnbull) and were chosen to be warriors for their stature and ferocity.  Once placed into the arena, however, their diet was changed to a nearly vegetarian diet, and not because the gladiators needed the extra energy.
"The vegetarian diet had nothing to do with poverty or animal rights. Gladiators, it seems, were fat. Consuming a lot of simple carbohydrates, such as barley, and legumes, like beans, was designed for survival in the arena. Packing in the carbs also packed on the pounds. 'Gladiators needed subcutaneous fat," Grossschmidt explains. "A fat cushion protects you from cut wounds and shields nerves and blood vessels in a fight.' Not only would a lean gladiator have been dead meat, he would have made for a bad show. Surface wounds "look more spectacular," says Grossschmidt. 'If I get wounded but just in the fatty layer, I can fight on," he adds. "It doesn't hurt much, and it looks great for the spectators.'"(Curry)


So, high carbohydrate diets are awesome for getting fat, and but are they necessary for maintaining cardiovascular endurance?  Fucking nope.  The aforementioned study by Phinney cited two still-unrefuted studies in which endurance athletes were switched to a ketogenic diet.  In both studies, their performance improved considerably after their acclimatization period. Neither group consumed supplementary calories, but rather increased their fat intake to accommodate their increased energy needs.  Thus, you might consider altering your macronutrient profile simply by adjusting your fat intake prior to attempting the inclusion of carbs.  Were I to do so, I'd consider adding heavy cream to my protein shakes and possibly rubbing my ribs with olive oil.
Oil makes delicious things deliciouser.


Upping Your Carbs Pre- and Post Workout
If you're not interested n increasing your fat intake or have already tried it and found it didn't do what you'd wanted, there's always upping your carbs.  In the Anabolic Diet, Mauro Di Pasquale mentions that certain people will have a tremendous amount of difficulty maintaining progress on a ketogenic diet consisting of 30 grams of carbohydrate a day.  As such, he recommends that  one complete at least the initial 10-14 day keto run and then begin experimenting with increases in their carbohydrate levels until an optimal balance between performance and body recomposition is struck.  Following this line of thought, he tailored a diet for Gozilla's second cousin on the black side of the family, Bob Sapp, so that it lowered the fats somewhat and increased the carbohydrates.(Di Pasquale, Bob Sapp 11)  He did mention, however, in the Anabolic Solution for Powerlifters, that people who are excellent fat oxidizers (like myself) can easily train on 20 grams of carbohydrates a day, so experimentation is absolutely critical- don't just decide what you need at the outset.(ADFP 21)  Ol' Mauro claims that the timing of one's carbohydrates is fairly insignificant, but does note that eating pre-workout carbohydrates will decrease IGF-1 and GH.(ASBB 70)  Thus, he recommends eating 50-100 grams of carbohydrates postworkout, for a total carbohydrate intake of .5-1gram of carbohydrates per pound of bodyweight a day.  This, of course, would necessitate a concordant drop in fat intake.


On the flip side of the coin, Lyle McDonald's Targeted Ketogenic Diet is actually based on the utilization of mostly pre-workout carbohydrates, which he feels are necessary to fuel high intensity exercise.  He recommends 25-50 grams of carbohydrate pre-workout, and claims that the type of carbohydrate and the glycemic index thereof is insignificant.  This would, of course, still preclude the use of fructose, as the goal is to replenish muscular glycogen stores rather than the glycogen stores of the liver.  According o McDonald, pre-workout carbohydrates will likely not affect either your insulin levels nor your ketosis (though they might throw you out of ketosis for the duration of your workout), and are thus fair game for just about everyone.  Conversely, post workout carbohydrates may negatively affect ketosis, so he encourages experimentation with those.(Ketogenic Diet 125)


As for the type of carbohydrates, I have a suggestion from novelist and paleo internet guru J. Stanton, who told me that he's been using a modified version of the APD for a while with great success.  If you're unfamiliar with his stuff, Stanton does a bunch of wacky shit outdoors that I'm inclined to call cardio, but he insists it's just "doing epic shit outdoors", like climbing mountains while fasted and all sorts of other shit that doesn't involve picking things up and putting them down.  He did, however, recently start lifting and noted the APD is the shit, with a couple of his own variations: 
"Here's an advanced-level Predator Diet variant: you may get more mileage out of your protein shake if you eat several grams of dextrose with it.  Reasoning: the protein causes some insulin release, which (if the protein is eaten solo) requires some glucose to be released from the liver in order to maintain blood sugar levels.  Then your liver will signal "NEED MORE GLUCOSE" and there will be a cortisol spike, whereupon your liver will suck up some of the protein and convert it via gluconeogenesis.  Also cortisol is catabolic.  So the additional dextrose basically gives the inevitable insulin something to chew on, and as a bonus, causes a bit of extra insulin release which will help drive protein into muscles.
(Note that "weight gainer" shakes have an assload of sugar because it's cheaper than protein.  Too much, no good.  I'm working on about a 4:1 protein/glucose ratio, but that's a guess and open to refinement. And it includes whatever sugar's already in your protein powder.)
You can buy a big bag of dextrose at the brewery supply store...but the easier way is to just eat a few Bottle Caps or Sweet Tarts candies.  Believe it or not, they're basically 100% dextrose: no sucrose or HFCS.  So my routine during protein loading days is: glass of unflavored whey isolate + 4-5 Bottle Caps, every few hours.  Note: add Runts and Spree to the list of "glucose with impurities": like Bottle Caps and Sweet Tarts, they're just dextrose, maltodextrin, and flavoring."(Stanton)


The Gist
As you can see, there's a bit of debate on the optimal timing of one's carbs if you're adding them to the Apex Predator Diet, but if you feel you need them, there are methods to try.  Experimentation is the name of the game, so get out your chemistry set and make something fucking awesome happen.  Just remember, however- the baddest motheruckers ever to walk the Earth didn't need bread to help them stomp the piss out of a bunch of bagel-chomping motherfuckers, and it's likely you don't either.
  
Sources:
     Bodybuilding.com.  Stan Efferding 6500 calories diet.  http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=138848513&page=1
     Curry, Andrew.  The gladiator diet.  Archaeology.  http://www.archaeology.org/0811/abstracts/gladiator.html
     Di Pasquale, Mauro.  Anabolic Diet.
     Di Pasquale, Mauro.  Anabolic Solution for Bodybuilders.  Mauro Di Pasquale: 2002.
     Di Pasquale, Mauro.  Anabolic Solution for Powerlifters.  Mauro Di Pasquale: 2002.
     Di Pasquale, Mauro.  Bob Sapp (The Beast) Training and Nutrition Secrets.  Published as pdf.
     Jordanes.  An account of the person of Attila.
     Mann, Nirmil.  The Life and Times of Pakher Singh Gill.  Pittsburgh: Dorrance Publishing, 2005.
     McDonald, Lyle.  Ketogenic Diet.  1998
     Phinney, Stephen D.   Ketogenic diets and physical performance.  Nut Metab 2004, 1:2.  http://www.nutritionandmetabolism.com/content/1/1/2
     Tacitus.  Germania.
     Turnbull, Stephen and Wayne Reynolds.  Mongol Warrior 1200-1350.  Oxford:  Osprey Publishing, 2003. 

17 April 2012

Chaos And Bang Your Earholes #1


In the inaugural version of CABYE, Paul and I cover the fact that Paul's 13 year old daughter might be stronger than you, review some porn, review a movie or two, and discuss a bunch of other random bullshit.

Having listened to this, I'm astonished at how often I drop the f-bomb.  I make Goodfella's Joe Pesci seem G-rated by comparison.  Anyway, enjoy.

Download HERE.

13 April 2012

Chaos And Bang- Injuries, Training For Meets, And Sundry Bullshit

Last weekend, Paul Carter from Lift-Run-Bang and I discussed a bunch of bullshit on the phone.  Thereafter, I flew to Utah, broke into the NSA's new, highly illegal, bullshit, shitting-on-the-Constitution spy supercomputer and stole the record of our conversation after teabagging every one of the soulless, freedom-hating motherfuckers who work there.  Paul uploaded it right after my return, but I was busy fighting ninjas sent by Rick Santorum to prevent me from buttfucking my girlfriend, so I added an intro to one up him.  You can listen to it if you're bored or curious.  Enjoy.


We cover:


  • RUM5 and shit I would have done differently in training for it
  • How I changed his training after the meet
  • Injuries Paul and I have been battling through
  • Going with instinct in both eating and training
  • Balancing training intensity with training frequency and volume 
  • How to get women with dark chocolate and fried chicken.  Literally.






Why would anyone want this to be illegal? This gif is the greatest thing since WWII.  The Christian right is worse than black metal.


Incidentally, we're thinking about doing a recorded weekly show that will likely cover more porn, books/movies/gaming, and politics than training.  Let me know in the comments if it's worth doing, and what you'd like us to discuss.  This one was pretty catch as catch can, but we're thinking of making them a bit more structured.

11 April 2012

Accessories To Murder 2- The Greats Get Dead

The greats in deadlifting all appear to have a great deal in common- first, they've all done some ridiculously high volume routines, which would indicate to me that they love lifting more than Lindsay Lohan loves cocaine and they border on self-flagellating-priest style masochism, they're built (to scale) like gorillas, and they actually think about how to make themselves better, rather than consulting with a pack of weak know-nothings on the internet.  Asking a kid who's marginally better than you at something about how he got there is about as sensible as a Jew asking a Nazi to hold the oven door for him while he tries to clean its back wall.  Don't be fucking retarded.  If you read about any of the greats, they didn't get great by following routines prescribed by people weaker than a 19th Century railroader with tuberculosis- they took the advice  and followed the routines of exceptionally strong people.  Not marginally strong- EXCEPTIONALLY strong.
Ernie Frantz- the guy Ed Coan went to for advice.  Fucker squatted 516 at 172 at age 76.  Recognize.


Next, stop being fucking lazy.  According to Sakari Selkäinaho, all of the great Finnish deadlifters grew up doing manual labor, which inured their bodies and minds to hard work.  Likewise, Bob Peoples was a farmer, Lamar Gant rode his bicycle for extremely long distances and worked as a janitor, Konstantin Konstantinovs grew up doing gymnastics and playing judo in a tiny town in Latvia (which means he's cut more firewood than you've likely ever seen in your life), and currently works as a bodyguard.  This means they were/are all highly conditioned athletes capable of mentally pushing themselves to extremes and possess the physical endurance to do so.  Since World of Warcraft doesn't count as GPP, you might want to think about getting off your fat ass and doing some conditioning.


Most, if not all of the best deadlifters have done or do extremely high volume pulling work.  You'll see the occasional admonition against overtraining, but the elite conception of overtraining and your conception of overtraining are likely bears as much resemblance to one another as Steve Buscemi bears to a healthy human adult.  For instance, Brent Howard's conception of "too much" work mirrors my own experience:
"I used to do heavy DL, then heavy stiffs, heavy racks, then 15 sets of upper back almost every week. I kept this up until one day when I was lucky enough to have a conversation with Kaz on the subject. He related how he used to beat the heck out of himself with high bar squats of 615 x 25 reps followed by heavy DL’s and rack pulls. The bottom line was that was too much even for a superman like him."(Mason)
That's fucking brutal, and likely more volume than you'd get out of three weeks of Starting Strength or two weeks of 5/3/1, in a single day.  Chuck Vogelpohl, who pulled 793 at 242, trains ten to fourteen times a week, does abs in every workout, and trains lats in five of those workouts.  Louie Simmons does the same thing.  Thus, elite lifters know how much is too much because they've traveled a hell of a long ways over that line.  Until you've shit upon that line with zero fucks given, then run as far past it as you can brandishing a a Viking sword and a bottle of Jager, slaying all weights in your path (at least until your damnable human vulnerability crushes you like a roach under a steamroller) you've no fucking clue what overtraining is.  Thus, stop fearing it, since you don't even fucking know of what it is you're afraid.


Those statements made, let's get into some of the greats' deadlifting routines.  As a preface I'll mention, anecdotally, that badass pullers have badass routines.  Powerlifting legend Ernie Frantz did all three lifts on Monday, Thursday, and Saturday, and did some light squats and deads on Tuesday. On the heavy days, he hit a heavy single on each lift, in addition to something like walkouts, negatives, or partials thereafter. In the Saturday workout he would go all out.(Stone)  Finnish deadlifters either deadlift two, three, or four times a week, and supplement their deadlifts with Olympic lifts, partials, deadlifts standing on a block, stiff-legged deadlifts with a variety of forms, and hack deads.(Selkäinaho)  Bob Peoples deadlifted every single fucking day, to a daily max.  Thus, great powerlifters push the absolute limit and take a giant steaming shit on anyone who tells them otherwise.


Lamar Gant
Lamar Gant is perhaps the closest thing we'll ever see to a real-life Spider man, hitting a 4.95x bodyweight deadlift at two different weight classes, making him roughly insectoid in his relative strength.  I suppose that was to be expected, given the fact that his weird-assed bodyshape and diminutive stature made him look like  the main character in the movie Antz (the above pic seriously is not photoshopped- he's that weird looking).  Gant eventually pulled 638 at 123, boasting 2% bodyfat, and 654 at 132.(Todd)  His initial deadlift routine consisted of truly insane volume- 25 sets of 5, in what he called his "Monster Man" routine, after doing squat and bench.(Todd) On top that, Gant bicycled 30 miles a day to and from work, and cycled for long distances on the weekend.  (Todd)  Eventually, Gant abandoned the aforementioned program, which he'd lifted from professional strongman Harold Ansorge, and developed the program he provided to Powerlifting USA, which I've titled 8/5/3.


Lamar Gant's 8/5/3
Week 1: 5 sets of 8 with 70% 1RM
Week 2: 5 sets of 8 with 73% 1RM
Week 3: 5 sets of 8 with 76% 1RM
Week 4: 5 sets of 8 with 78% 1RM
Week 5: 5 sets of 5 with 82% 1RM
Week 6: 5 sets of 5 with 84% 1RM
Week 7: 5 sets of 5 with 86% 1RM
Week 8: 5 sets of 5 with 87% 1RM
Week 9: 5 sets of 3 with 92% 1RM
Week 10: 5 sets of 3 with 94% 1RM
Week 11: 5 sets of 3 with 96% 1RM
Week 12: 5 sets of 3 with 98% 1RM
(Powerliftingwatch)


Konstantin Konstantinovs
This man needs little introduction.  Until Stan Efferding recently topped his total, KK reigned supreme at 275.  He's recently moved to 308 to battle with Andy Bolton for the title of premier hippopotamus-sized deadlifter and has pulled 903 raw, in a tested meet.  His program is a bit less regimented than most, and is as follows:


Workout 1.
1. Light squat for a warm up.
2. Deadlift. I do a different variant every time I train: rack pulls – 7, 11, 15, 20, 23 cm from the knees (higher than that I never pull). I do either a set of 3 reps or 8-10 depending on how I feel.
3. Bench press. I consider bench press as rest between heavy work. I bench either with touch and go with a medium grip, or with a close grip pausing at the bottom. I might do a single set of 10 reps with touch and go, or might max out pausing at the bottom. It all depends on how I feel and my mood.
4. 2nd deadlift. I pull either from a floor or from a deficit (about 9 cm). I do a single set of 2-3 reps pausing at the bottom. Then if I have enough energy, I might do another set of 6-8 reps.
5. Box squat. Heavy box squat as described above.


Workout 2 (in two days).
1. Medium heavy squat as described above.
2. Heavy bench press for a single set of 3 reps. Once in two weeks: negatives – 1-2 set for 1 rep. Then a single set of 8-10 reps with either close or medium grip depending on how I feel.
3. Cardio – 15-20 min.


Workout 3.
1. Light squat.
2. Medium heavy bench press: a single set of 6-8 reps.
3. Speed deadlift with bands: 8x1. Bands increase weight by 130 kg at the top.
4. Pull ups with weight or bands. ONLY explosively. Very important for my deadlift.
5. GHR, hyperextensions, very heavy abs work (6 sets with emphasis on strength).


Workout 4.
The same as workout 2.


He then starts a new cycle, taking one to two days off between workouts 1 and 2 and 3 and 4, which means he deadlifts between two and four times a week and squats four or five.(KK and Carter)  Like Andy Bolton, he focuses on explosiveness from the floor in training, but unlike Bolton appears to go fucking heavy.  In this video, he hits 380kg (836 lbs) for four reps.
This means we all suck at life.


Benedikt Magnusson
Bennie seems like the gentle giant of powerlifting- he's got a baby face, seems overly nice, and has described himself as the smallest and weakest man in his family, which is ridiculous given the fact that he's 6' 380 lbs.  He's consistently one of the strongest guys on Earth, and currently holds the world record in the deadlift with a 1015 pull.  Note that the workout below's not a static workout- Bennie's much more of the "make it up as you go along school."  Last year, he had this to say about his routine:
"Right now I have two days a week where I have a planned workout. I rarely miss these. I usually end up working out for most of the other 7 days of the week though, just doing recovery workouts and some bodybuilding stuff to keep the joints feeling healthy and my muscles full. I always try to include heavy behind the neck presses, squats and of course deadlifts in my routine. I feel that these are the exercises that have contributed the most to my progress. I don’t really bench though. Flat benching has never felt natural for me and has resulted in several pec tears. I just rely on behind the neck presses and bench warm ups for my bench strength."(Freyr) 
Bennie's deadlift workout, from what I found online, generally consists of the following:
Week A
Deadlift warm up to about 80%
80% 8setx2reps
Platform deadlift about 3-4inch high
Train with weights from 40-70%
4-6set x 4reps Speed!
Then go down to about 40-50% 2setx8reps


Week B
Deadlift. Work up to 3rep max.
Platform deadlift about 3-4inch high
With weights from 50-75%
4-6set x 3-5reps Speed
Then go down to about 50% for 2setsx8reps


Week C
Jeff Jet Method Deadlift ( This is hard to write down )
When you do Jeff Jet Method deadlift you start by doing a rack pull. Then your training partners take the rack away and you go down and then up! Then your partners put the rack back in! The rep starts up by your thighs then you go down and up again ( I hope you get it )
A guy from America told us about this. His name is Jeff Jet. We started doing this because pretty much everything me and Benedikt can pull up we can do more reps! So we thought this would be a great way to do work with much more weight to shock the body! It worked!


Jeff Jet Method Deadlift - Go up in 1-3reps max ( Do what the day allows!! )
Platform deadlift about 3-4inch high
4set x 4-6reps with weights from 50-60%


"We train deadlift every week. The last 3 or 4 workouts before a meet we just do regular deadlift off the floor and work in singles. We never go heavier than the starting weight at the meet though."(Magnusson)


Rickey Dale Crain
Quite frankly, I'd never heard of the guy, but between his name and the fact that he looks exactly the way his name would indicate, I had to include him.  Crain was a bad motherfucker in powerlifting in the 1970s and 80s, and put up some beastly deadlift numbers in the 165 class.  Like the rest of the behemoths I'm discussing, Crain was born to deadlift- as you can see from the above pic of his family, he'd likely have had to sleep out back of the double-wide with the dogs if he skipped a day in the gym.  According to Clarence Bass, "After teething on a dumbbell-shaped rattle - his father Don was and is an avid lifter - Crain started lifting at age 2, was deadlifting triple bodyweight by the time he was 10, and soon after discovered he had "real" talent in the squat, doing 200 at 13 and 400 before he turned 17 - as a 132-pounder. In 1976, at age 23, he became the first middleweight (165 lbs) in history to squat with 700."(Bass)  Interesting to note is that Crain hates raw lifting with the burning passion of 1000 suns, and sells a shitload of training gear.  In his (again, unsurprisingly barely coherent given his name and appearance) words,
"RAW IS A PHENOMA OF THE PAST 5-10 YEARS....IT DID NOT EXIST BEFORE THAT.....
I AM NOT SURE WHAT HAS PROPAGATGED IT OTHER THNA GIVE SOME VERY AVERAGE OR BELOW AVERAGE LIFTERS A CHANCE TO WIN A TROPHY OR BREAK SOME RECORD THAT REALLY MEANS NOTHING.....
MOST LIFTERS THAT LIFTED IN THE 60'S AND 70'S WHO USED WHATEVER THEY COULD DREAM UP TO LIFT IN TO HELP THEIR NUMBERS AS WELL AS A SAFETY FACTOR......LIFTED WAY MORE THAN 99% OF TODAY'S SO CALLED RAW LIFTERS SO WHAT HAVE THEY ACCOMPLISHED??????"(PLwatch)
Given his penchant for posting in all caps and rocking an afro and a mustache, the extremity of his routine should not surprise you.  This program is designed to end with a 620 pull, according to his site.(Crain)

John Kuc
John Kuc was also a hilariously mustachioed powerlifter of the 1970s and 80s kind enough to step out of his rape van filled with lollipops to show people what's up on the deadlift.  His record pull of 870 in the 242s stood for 18 years, until Ed Coan decided he'd go 2 Girls 1 Cup and took a giant steaming shit on it with an 887 pull.  Kuc's program is a 16 week competition prep cycle split into two 8 week microcycles, the first consisting of two days a week of pulls and the second consisting of one a week.


                                 (First Day)                                                                                     (Second Day)
         DL Starts                                                DL lock outs                                                 Reg DL's
1.  .63X4, .53X4X3                        (.65X6, .85X4, .95X4, 1.00X4X3)                        .65X6, .80X4X4
2.  .63X4, .55X4X3                        (.65X6, .85X4, .95X4, 1.03X4X2)               .65X6, .80X4, .81X4X3
3.  .63X4, .75X4, .79X4X3            (.65X6, .85X4, .95X4, 1.06X4X2)               .65X6, .80X4, .83X4X3
4.  .63X4, .75X4, .79X4, .81X4     (.65X6, .85X4, .95X4, 1.05X4, 1.09X4)      .65X6, .80X4, .83X4X3
5.  .63X4, .75X4, .79X4                 (.65X6, .85X4, .95X4, 1.05X4)                           .65X6, .80X4X4
6.  .63X4, .75X4, .81X4, .83X4     (.65X6, .85X4, .95X4, 1.05X4, 1.12X4)      .65X6, .80X4, .83X4, .85X4X2
7.  .63X4,  .75X4, .81X4, .85X4    (.65X6, .85X4, .95X4, 1.06X4, 1.16X4)         .65X6, .80X4, .83X4, .88X4, .92X4, .90X4
8.  .63X4, .75X4, .81X4, .87X4     (.65X6, .80X4, .95X4, 1.07X4 1.07X4,1.20X4)   .65X6, .80X4X4
9. No DL workout on First Day.  (TRY LIMIT SINGLE DL on second day- .65X6, .80X4,
.92X1, 1.03X1, .80X4*)


 (REGULAR DEADLIFTS ONLY, ONCE PER WEEK, AFTER A 9TH WEEK TRYOUT)
10.  .63X6, .77X4, .82X4X3
11.  .63X6, .77X4, .84X4X3
12.  .63X6, .77X4, .87X4X3
13.  .63X6, .77X4, .85X4, .89X4, .87X4
14.  .63X6, .77X4, .85X4, .90X4, .87X4
15.  .63X6, .77X4, .85X4, .92X4, .87X4
16.  .63X6, .77X4, .87X4
17.  (LIMIT DL IN CONTEST)   work up to 1.03 of previous best
* Designates new PR set the 9th week.


Ed Coan
If you don't know who Ed Coan is, you're either a neophyte to lifting or you're fucking retarded.  His routine is one of the most jerked off to programs on the internet, and I'm endlessly amused by the dogmatism that surrounds it.  If you are one of those people who worships the Coan-Phillippi routine and considers it sacrosanct, consider this- that's not the routine Ed Coan's year round routine.  From the lips of Ed Coan to your proverbial ears:
"Friday is deadlifts and all back work. This Friday, since it's off season, with no belt or anything, I'm deadlifting off a 4-inch block. It actually teaches you to push more with your legs since you have to bend over so much farther. It's a lot fucking harder!
Most powerlifters I know who no longer compete, they'll squat and bench, but won't deadlift! It's too difficult. Then I do stiff-legged deads off the blocks, then rows, regular pulldowns, then some type of Hammer pull-down machine, like high rows. Afterward, I'll do chins for reps, then bent-over laterals. I do my rear delts on back day."(Koenig)
Coan's "2,500 Pounds and Beyond" Workout(Colescott), conversely, looks like this:
Monday
Squats:                       7-10 sets of 2-8 reps
Leg Extensions:          2 sets of 10-12
Leg Curls:                  2 sets of 10-12 reps
(In the off-season, high bar squats to activate more of the quads and sometimes front squats afterwards).
Seated Calf Raises:    3 sets of 10-12 reps


Tuesday
Rest


Wednesday
Bench Press (regular grip):                7-10 sets of 2-8 reps
Wide-grip bench:                              3 sets of 8-10
Incline Dumbell or Barbell Press        2 sets of 2-8 reps
Flyes (high reps):                               2 sets of 10-15 reps
Tricep extensions (a whole bunch):    2 sets of 2-8 reps


Thursday
Rest


Friday
Regular deadlifts or S-L Deadlifts:     8 sets of 2-8 reps
Bent-over Rows:                              2 sets of 8-10 reps (Coan does these with 485 for 8 strict reps - "no problem.")
Pulley Rows:                                    2 sets of 8-10 reps
Pulldowns:                                       2 sets of 8-10 reps
Hammer Strength Back Machine:     2 sets of 8-10 reps
Rear Delt raises:                              2 sets of 10-12 reps


Saturday
Close-grip Bench:                            3 sets of 8-10 reps
Shoulder Press:                               5 sets of 2-8 reps
(either Behind-the-Neck Press, Front Military Press, or Seated Dumbell Presses. Coan has done a Seated Behind-the-Neck Press with 400 pounds)
Side Laterals:                                  3 sets of 10-12 reps
Pushdowns:                                    3 sets of 8-10 reps
Light Barbell Curls:                         1 set of 20 reps          


Sunday
Rest


There you have it- even the best pullers on Earth- people designed by the gods specifically for deadlifting, cannot agree on a single program that's best for success.  They experiment like they're last name was Tesla, however, and seem to happen upon some common themes.  Thus, if you want to be a deadlift master, you must adhere to the following golden rules:

  • Don't be a pussy.
  • Condition the shit out of yourself in and out of the gym.
  • Pull like a 15 year old with the internet, Jergens, and a fistful of cock.  Read the linked article about Finnish Deadlift Secrets, start speaking an incomprehensible language in a frigid wasteland of a country, burn a church or two, listen to black metal, and sack the fuck up.
  • Test yourself.  You'll never know how much is too much until you actually do too much.  Once you determine how much is too much, do a little less than that.
  • Don't forget to not be a pussy.
Jesus fuck I despise black metal.  Tis' a shame that there's an incontrovertible link between it and an epic deadlift.


Sources:
     Askem, J.V.  Deadlifting Part 2.  http://jva.ontariostrongman.ca/DL2.htm
     Bass, Clarence.  Rickey Dale Crain.  http://www.cbass.com/RICKEY.HTM
     Benedikt Magnusson's Deadlift Routine.  http://powerandbulk.com/phpBB2/viewtopic.php?t=5432
     Carter, Paul.  Interview with Konstantin Konstantinovs - Translated.  Lift-Run-Bang.  http://www.lift-run-bang.com/2010/04/interview-with-konstantin-konstantinovs.html
     Colescott, Steve.  Ode to the power king Ed Coan.  http://www.rxmuscle.com/articles/latest-news/174-ode-to-the-power-king-ed-coan.html
     Crain, Rickey Dale.  Deadlift Xtreme Routine.  http://www.crain.ws/deadlift_xteme_routine.html
     Freyr, Hakon.  Interview with Benedikt Magnusson.  http://www.brotherhoodofiron.com/articles/interview-with-benedikt-magnussonworld-record-deadlift-holder
     Koenig, John.  Atlas Speaks: An Interview with Ed Coan.  T-Nation.  http://www.t-nation.com/free_online_article/sports_body_training_performance_interviews/atlas_speaks
     Konstantins Konstantinovs Interview.  Serious Powerlifting.  http://www.seriouspowerlifting.com/3755/mens-interviews/konstantins-konstantinovs-interview
     Powerlifting USA.  Lamar Gant's Deadlift Routine.  http://www.powerliftingwatch.com/files/Lamar%20Gant's%20Deadlift%20Routine.pdf
     PowerliftingWatch.  Rickey Dale Crain on Raw Lifting.  http://www.powerliftingwatch.com/node/5435
     Selkäinaho, Sakari.  Finnish Deadlift Secrets.  ElitFTS.  http://www.elitefts.com/documents/finnish-deadlift-secrets.htm
     Stone, Eric.  Interview with Ernie Frantz.  Chicago Powerlifting.  http://www.chicagopowerlifting.com/ErnieFrantzInterview.html
     Todd, Terry.  He Bends But He Doesn't Break.  Sports Illustrated.  October 22, 1984.  http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/vault/article/magazine/MAG1122739/1/index.htm

06 April 2012

Accessories To Murder- Making The Dead Even More Deadly

Much has been made, on sundry message boards, of my refusal to do the deadlift in the gym.  Many have decided to ape my methods due a variety of factors, though the most predominant one, in my mind, is the fact that the deadlift is the hardest fucking thing you'll do in the gym, nine times out of ten.  It's a brutal, gut-wrenching, man-making lift during which you can actually feel your testicles drop and afterwards you sound like Barry White, provided you've got enough weight on the bar.  Skipping the deadlift, then, is usually nothing more than caving in to the fear of hard work, a fear that's more ubiquitous in our society than rhinestones on a tranny's Saturday night wardrobe.


Aaaaaaaaand they all have cocks.  Gotcha!


Why, then, do I skip it?  Because I've earned the right to do so, and because I'm focused on the squat.  For at least a decade, I deadlifted more in a year than most of you have masturbated in your lives, nevermind deadlifted.  I pounded the shit out of the lift, doing every conceivable variation for innumerable sets and reps.  My deadlift workouts took, on average, one and a half hours, and ran the gamut in design from 30 straight minutes of pulling singles with 90% of my one rep max for max reps (my record was 27), to 10-8-6-4-2-2-4-6-8-10, to German Volume Training, to 5 sets of 5 followed by a death set with 315, to the utterly ridiculous workout I've posted previously that consisting of deadlifts, one arm deads, two finger deads, rack pulls, and shrugs.  That was, in fact, a workout I used for over a year, and resulted in the cramping I still experience when I pull.  It did, however, give me a gym best of 545 at a bodyweight of 165.  Once I hit 600 for a single, however, I noticed that the high-percentage lifts that had gotten me to that point were killing a variety of other lifts, as my back would be too sore and too exhausted to allow me to do other lifts that I loved, namely, back squatting and overhead pressing.  Thus, I started dropping deadlift workouts and training movements that would have a lot of carryover into the deadlift.  Additionally, my focus has been on the squat since I started competing, as I'm within shouting distance of a 40 year old world record.  Thus, it seemed that splitting my attention between the two would not help me in my goal of breaking that record.
Piper did that to himself, apparently because cocaine does not lend itself to rational thought.


I could, I suppose, simply drop my volume on the deadlift and continue deadlifting.  That would certainly be the rational thing to do.  I do not, however, train rationally, and once I start pulling I like to keep pulling until I am physically incapable of continuing.  That's right- I had to stop deadlifting in training because I love the lift so fucking much that I do it until I'm literally crippled.  Due to the fact that I've done this for the last 15 years, I can safely say that I've put in my time with the lift, and it's unnecessary for me to train it on a regular basis.  Notice I did not say you.  Unless you're highly ranked in powerlifting, have been training the lift religiously for the better part of two decades, and allow your love of the lift to completely obliterate any vestige of common sense the second you start doing the lift, my experience should in no way apply to you.  Thus, you should stop being a fucking pussy and start deadlifting, because to get good at the lift in the first place, you're going to treat it like Roddy Piper did coke, and do an insane amount of it.
I am the Devil, and I'm here to do the Devil's work.

There Will Be Fucking Murders
Murdering the deadlift is much like committing an actual murder, in that you have to begin with determining how you're going to do it.  This has led many of you to engage in debates online so insipid that they would shock even the least functional simpleton, as that simpleton certainly would not ask another waterhead for advice on how to do long division- he'd instead emulate the actions of people who do long division well.  As such, you should not ask the denizens of any message board which stance you should take, as they know absolutely nothing, and will likely cement in your mind ideas so illogical and ridiculous that they'd make Andy Dick wonder aloud how they arrived at them, as he shit in a hole outside of the shed in which he lives in spite of the fact that he's fairly wealthy.  How then, should you choose a stance?




Do what anyone worth half a shit has done before you- experiment.  Bob Peoples, the greatest 181 pound deadlifter prior to the arrival of chimp-like freak of nature Ed Coan put the record out of everyone's reach, experimented constantly with his form, and eventually developed a form more unique than the penises on BME.  Through years of experimentation, Peoples eventually pulled 728 at a bodyweight of 178, using form that could only be described as horrific- he pulled with a round back and stiff legs, after completely exhaling, and with a double overhand grip.(Hise)  That's right- years of experimentation got him to his ultimate form.  
"Our deadlift champion began to study his body leverages and gravity centers. He would take a bar in a starting deadlift position and view himself an a mirror and notice by the raising or lowering of the bar as he changed grips, using different height shoes, inhaling slightly, inhaling heavily, exhaling slightly, exhaling heavily and observing the positions and conditions that suited him best."(Hise, Deadlifter)  Eventually, he happened upon form that most people would regard with horror and what the idiots on Youtube would claim would send his spinal column soaring into the air, give him AIDS, and could only be the produce of massive steroid use- weak people are incredibly overdramatic.  Despite what weak people and personal trainers the world around would proclaim about Peoples' form, “His dead lift style.... is not "incorrect" for him because his type of physique with rather long legs, short trunk and very long arms makes it the best style for him.”(Peoples)


Amusingly, this body type has been ascribed to another amazing deadlifter with completely different deadlift style- Ed Coan.  Coan is 5’5” and boasts arms that nearly hang to his knees, due to the fact that his arms and legs were incredibly long compared to the length of his trunk.  Because he's built as if he were the unholy child of a chimpanzee and a postal box, Coan had incredible success deadlifting.  At 181, Coan pulled 793; at 198, he pulled 859; at 219, he pulled 901; and at 241 he pulled 887… like I said, a fucking freak.(Gallagher 60)  Coan also pulled with a unique style, as his stance was fairly narrow for a sumo stance, and his hand placement was fairly wide- just inside his knees.  This goes against convention on sumo deadlifting due to the fact that it doesn't appear to make the best use of that style, which is essentially to reduce the range of motion dramatically.  Coan apparently didn't give a shit, because his unique form produced poundages that may never be topped.


These examples should point you to one inalienable fact- your body style has little to do with the form you should utilize to maximize your deadlift.  Instead, you should employ whatever form you prefer after experimenting with them both.  If you have comparatively long arms and a short torso, guess what?  It doesn’t mean you should deadlift with a certain form- it means you’re destined to be a badass deadlifter if you bust your ass at the lift.  Any attempt to analyze leverages to determine your best style is absurd for a multitude of reasons:
  1. It fails to consider a wide array of muscular factors, ranging from your muscular strengths to the placement and thickness of various muscular attachments
  2. It fails to account for past activities in which you might have engaged that would increase your neurological adaptations to certain movements
  3. It overthinks what will essentially amounts to a battle of wills between you and the weight.  All of the leverages in the world won’t get 600 pounds off the ground if you don’t hate the fact that the weight is defying your will more than Rick Santorum pretends to hate anal sex.
One caveat to this is for chicks- I think females are likely more suited to sumo deadlifting because their pelvis angles considerably less than men and because it's so much wider, and they've generally got more flexible hips as a result.  Additionally, they're almost invariably lower-body dominant, and the sumo deadlift employs far more of your vastus medialis, vastus lateralis, and (oddly) your tibialis anterior than does the conventional deadlift.(Escamilla)  One other thing I think makes the sumo deadlift a better choice for women is the fact taht, due to their hips, squatting with a wide stance generally results in a massive increase in a female lifter's squat, and most of the high-level female squatters I've seen seem to use a wide stance.  That stance and strength can translate well to the sumo deadlift, which as Ed Coan put it, amounts to a reverse squat.(Gallagher 61)  That doesn't necessarily mean chicks can't pull well conventional or shouldn't try, but rather that I think they'd likely find sumo to feel better as a movement than conventional.
Hot, actually a woman, and she probably out-deadlifts you.

Lest you wring your hands and pout due to the frustration of having to think for yourself on picking a style, Derek Barker had a great idea on how to determine it.  He suggests you do Louie Simmons' five week deadlift program twice, using conventional form once and sumo the other.  Thereafter, you can examine your progress with each and choose the style that best suits you.  In Barker's words:
"The program started with the lifter having achieved a max single in the deadlift coming into the program. In the first week, the lifter was then to perform 15 singles with 65 percent of that single with short rest periods. For the next week, the percentage was raised five percent and the amount of lifts dropped to 12. This goes on until the fifth week when the lifter has reached 85 percent and performs six singles.
I feel this program is vastly superior to any other for new lifters because by using weights in this percent range, the lifter is able to focus on his technique and think through the lift rather than get all psyched up and possibly miss or just muscle the barbell up. In addition, weights of 85–100 percent for a new lifter may in fact reinforce bad technique rather than correct it. In the sixth week, the lifter should attempt a new max in the deadlift.
Here’s my advice. For the first training wave, pull conventional. Play around with the conventional stance and find what suits you best (shoulder width stance, very close heels touching, feet angled out). Experiment and find an optimal pulling stance.  
After a new max has been attempted and hopefully achieved in week six, start the cycle over, this time with a sumo stance. Again, experiment with foot stance such as an ultra wide sumo or a more moderate sumo. Play around with the angle of the feet. A good rule of thumb is to have them angled out at least 45 degrees to keep your center of gravity as close to the barbell as possible. Go through the cycle, and on the sixth week, attempt a max with the sumo stance. Now, you’ve spent three concentrated months on your deadlift. You should have a good idea what your particular strengths and weaknesses are with each style and what style allows you to lift the most weight in a contest. Regardless of which style you choose, it’s important to still train the opposite style at some point. One style will help the other."(Barker) 


One question few people ask, though I think is the cause of many of the torn biceps you see in deadlifting, is in regards to the grip one takes.  Years ago, I had someone ask me which hand should pronate and which should supinate, and it occurred to me I never gave it any thought.  While pondering this, I looked down at my hands, which were hanging at my sides, and realize that the one that was pronated (facing my body) was the one I pronated in the deadlift, and vice-versa.  As such, I looked at their hands and let them know which hand appeared to be more pronated than the other.  If you're unsure about what grip would be best for you, stand with your arms hanging relaxed at your sides and have someone look at them and tell you.  It should be fairly apparent.

Now that you've got a jumping-off point for starting to include a program that's made more boys into men than chest suspension-induced vision quests.  Coming up, my favorite deadlift programs, a couple of other badass programs, and my favorite accessories and the reasons I think they're almost as awesome than getting a blowjob while eating pizza.
She must be having one hell of a vision quest.


Sources:
     Barker, Derek.  Beginner Deadlift Considerations: Conventional or Sumo?  http://www.elitefts.com/documents/con_sumo.htm
     Escamilla RF, Francisco AC, Kayes AV, Speer KP, Moorman CT 3rd.An electromyographic analysis of sumo and conventional style deadlifts.  Med Sci Sports Exerc. 2002 Apr;34(4):682-8.
     Hise, Bob.  Bob Peoples- Deadlifter.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2008/02/bob-peoples-deadlifter.html
     Hise, Bob.  The Bob Peoples I Knew.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2009/01/bob-peoples-i-knew-bob-hise-ii.html
     Gallagher, Marty.  Purposeful Primitive.