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01 February 2014

Ask The Asshole: The Porn Edition

No, I'll not be addressing porn here. What's there to say about porn?  It's fucking awesome.  Instead, this is the porn edition because people keep bitching "there's no porn!"  "WAAAAAAAHHHHHH!"  Apparently these fucking crybabies lack the ability to use Bing to find porn (the only reason to use Bing, and in all ways superior to Google for porn searches).  Thus, to shut them up, I've filled this ATA with lots and lots of delicious porn. Additionally, since I'm about to call out one of the least interesting people on the planet, I thought it prudent to layer this post with as much porn as possible to sear the real world into the eyes of the useless tits Percel calls his fans.  Without further adieu, let the games begin!


Not pictured: A good time.

What do you think about the Kevin Ogar/Crossfit controversy?


Frankly, before this was brought to my attention, I didn't really know there was much controversy.  A dude hung onto a snatch he shouldn't have and severed his spine- this was bad luck, a shitty occurrence, and little more.  Anyone who's watch the last couple Olympics has seen a snatch go bad that could have ended much the same way, and Matthias Steiner is perhaps the best example of this.  The snatch is a very high risk movement, and anyone who does it with an appreciable amount of weight has got to know the risks.  Frankly, I would not have thought that 220 lbs could have severed someone's spine, especially when that someone was built as stoutly as Kevin Ogar.




The only "controversy" here lies with two groups of people- Crossfit haters and bitch-made lifters.  Were we to make a Venn Diagram of these two groups, it'd likely be near enough to a single circle as it's not really worth doing- pussies hate Crossfit.  That's not to say you're a pussy if you hate Crossfit, but if you're a bitch made lifter, you definitely hate Crossfit.  You hate Crossfit because you consider yourself a strength athlete and are routinely outlifted on everything by Crossfitters.  You hate Crossfit because you're a fattie and a saddie and Crossfitters fuck more in a post workout beer-and-steak barbecue's afternoon than you do in a year.  You hate Crossfit because Crossfitters have balls and you have none.  Take your pick, or pick all three, but the bitch made certainly have a lot to say about Crossfit.



They probably don't have much to say about this, though, because they're fucking eunuchs.

Take, for example, the link provided by my gentle reader- the author, Jonathan Percel, lives in fear of "bro science" and "bro lifts", which have arguably produced more results than Shieko ever would, and has produced physiques that have gotten far more people laid than 5/3/1 ever will.  In the fantasy land in which this dickless anti-intellectual lives, Crossfit is more dangerous than handguns that fire ebola-coated bullets in the hands of six year old African child soldiers and injuries can certainly be prevented if you just lift like a total bitch.  Oh, and if you live in fucking Candyland:

"When a Olympic Lifter competes, they perform six lifts, three snatches and three clean and jerks, resting plenty between each set" (emphasis mine).  


I remember when I had my first beer.  It didn't hit me as hard as the balls-crazy statement above, because... NO.  Not in the world in which dinosaurs roamed the Earth for millions of years and Amazing Ty has a fuckable peehole.  In that world, the best Olympic lifters often have to follow themselves and are strictly timed on getting back to the bar.  According to IWF rules,"One minute (60 seconds) is allowed to each competitor between the calling of his or her name and the beginning of the attempt. After 30 seconds, a warning signal sounds. When a competitor attempts two lifts in succession, he or she is allowed two minutes (120 seconds) for the succeeding attempt"(5.5.7).  Sure, they can change the weight by a kilo to buy them another minute, but they can only do that twice.  This means that elite lifters could have to complete three attempts in 6 minutes in the clean and jerk, if their competition is sufficiently shitty (i.e. if the mentally challenged Aussie from the "Deadlift Dungeon" happens to show up at the competition with his buddies).  Which he wouldn't, because they don't hold lifting competitions in Candyland- someone might get hurt!  Wah!     


Yeah, a dildo in her peehole.  Respect.

"Combining [the snatch, clean and jerk, and back squat] with a heavy load, the Snatch was being performed at a 3 Rep Max, will not build, or test, strength as the name of the WOD would imply, instead testing muscular endurance and sheer will power and mental fortitude"(emphasis mine).


Congratulations, you've just described THE ENTIRE FUCKING POINT OF CROSSFIT- to test muscular endurance, sheer will power, and mental fortitude.  Why does this asshole think it's the favorite training method of spec ops the world around?  Why does he think it's so much fun to watch?  Why don't heavy complexes exist with him in Candyland?  Has he really never heard of the Bear?  Has he really never tried it for a single?  If not, why not?  Oh wait, because he's a bitch made pussy, that's why.


Oh, and this just in:  STRENGTH COMPETITIONS ARE NOT DESIGNED TO BUILD STRENGTH, and a three rep max in fact, by its very nature, TESTS YOUR FUCKING STRENGTH.  No one on Earth is more repetition-averse than myself, and I hardly consider three reps to be a test of my muscular endurance.



I imagine Percel looks somewhat like this.

"To test strength, one would have to allow the muscle to completely repair itself between lifts, ala Olympic or Power lifting."


We've already established this to be a fallacy, but I would like to point out that even in powerlifting, fourth attempts get 3 minutes max of rest time.  I know, because I've taken them.  I took 2 fourth attempts in a meet, in the squat and deadlift, and took both under the normal clock, in spite of the fact I was offered and extra minute.  I feel as though my strength was tested... and I got both attempts.  Did I mention they were both beltless, and they're both "hip dominant movements"?  THE HORROR!  It's a fucking miracle my spine wasn't severed.



Elite athletes hate fucking sluts.  It's science.

In the Candyland down under, elite athletes don't drink, which I've definitely proven to be false (but just in case you've forgotten, check out this link), mediocrity rules, and civility, in all of its boring niceties, appears to reign except wherein actual lifters are involved.  If I've not made myself clear, Jonathan Percel is mildly retarded, wholly uninformed, banal, trite, mealy-mouthed, unjustifiably pompous, spineless, indolent, and irresolute, and although my dog is apparently so stupid she cannot feel cold weather, I'd feel more comfortable querying her for an opinion on Crossfit than I would Percel.  Moreover, the entire argument is moot- given the opportunity to express himself on the matter, I am sure that Ogar would blame himself and bad luck for his paralysis, not the organizers of the OC Throwdown, just as I blame myself for my torn bicep.


In short- shit happens.  Get the fuck over it.



She's over it.

I'm in full-blown competition prep mode and various muscles are twitching constantly.  What's the deal?

This one, frankly, had me more than a little stumped.  The obvious answer, of course, would be potassium/sodium imbalance or a lack of electrolytes. As a general rule, cramping and twitching can be resolved by chugging water and popping potassium pills.  The lifter in question had tried this, and taken Nuun, to no avail. For those of you who are unaware, Nuun is an awesome effervescent electrolyte blend that is great for recomposition after cutting water to make weight.  In any event, either was working.  Looking a little deeper, I discovered the lifter had been pounding water all day long and was running to the bathroom every thirty minutes.  This indicated, to me, that whatever was causing the twitching was being flushed out of their system by the inordinate amount of water they were drinking.  Thus, I started researching and discovered that the culprit was not the usual suspects, but rather magnesium.



My preferred method of rehydration, and a way to get about half of your USRDA of magnesium in one delicious drink (Nelson).

Magnesium plays a role in the contraction and relaxation of the muscles, as well as the production and trasport of energy.  Thus, if you're snapping at everyone and even more aggravated because your eye/bicep/shoulder/pec/whatever is twitching uncontrollably, you might want to think about upping your magnesium intake.  If you want to do it with food, you can simply eat the following:

  • Dark chocolate
  • Dark leafy greens like spinach or chard
  • Mackerel or tuna
  • Pumpkin seeds
  •  Beans (pretty much any of them)
  • Quinoa
  • Avacados
Pretty simple, and that and adequate hydration should square you away.


In honor of Scott, I was going to porn some gay bear porn, but figured this would be even better.

Recently, Brian Scott made a video telling everyone to be nice to new gym members and help them.  Thoughts?
That's all super sweet and all, but utterly fucking pointless for a couple of reasons:
  1. This isn't a fucking religion, and there's no need to proselytize like it is.
  2. They're going to fucking quit anyway.
  3. There is absolutely no upside to doing so.
Before I launch into my latest rant, let me say I've no fucking clue who Brian Scott is, other than he's apparently associated with Brandon Lilly and is a beardo, neither of which endears him to me (and no, I've no interest in chiming in on the guy who "doesn't cut even when he's cutting"- I'll leave that to you guys in the comments).  That said, I have no problem Scott personally beyond the fact that he's a hideously misguided weightlifting missionary of some sort.  He looks old enough to know better than to spout this nonsensecial, touchy feely, kumbahyah bullshit.  Before you run to his defense, what follows isn't opinion, my borderline sociopathy showing through, or my general disdain for the average person, whom I have recently begun referring to as "meat".  Nope- it's statistics and psychology.  Did you know the following about gym members?
  • Average amount of times a gym membership owner will go to the gym every week: 2
  • Average amount of gym membership money that goes to waste from under utilization: $39
  • Percent of people with gym memberships that never use them: 67%
More of this might help recidivism.

According to Brian Scott, people quit because they're "not seeing results."  He challenges everyone who has "gotten some results" to grab one of these people and proselytize the weight lifting lifestyle to them.  He could not be more incorrect- two thirds of the new people will quit going to the gym altogether within a couple of months of signing up for the gym because they're lazy motherfuckers.  If you really want to be nice, you can call it "hyperbolic discounting", but at the end of the day, people quit lifting because they are lazy shitbags- not because regular gymgoers are mean, unwelcoming, or have somehow failed in what Scott believes to be our civic duty to help them (Thompson).  


It was my civic duty to post this.

Even if it were were our civic duty to help them, it's really no reason to act any differently than we do now because the only way new gym members will go is if if they're paid (DellaVigna).  Thus, if you really want to help out a newbie at the gym, give him five bucks every time you see him lifting.  

Don't have a spare $15 a week for a stranger?  Neither do I.

Finally, the message in this video ultimately ridiculous is the fact that Scott admits he lifts in his garage, so he's asking everyone to take time out of their day to pointlessly spread the "gospel of the iron" to an unwilling audience when he himself will not be doing so.  If that's not bizarre as shit, I don't know what is.  What I do know, however, is that commercial gyms are specifically designed to entice those lazy shitbags to join gyms, and to dissuade real lifters from doing so (Thompson).  As more and more big box gyms push little, hole-in-the-wall gyms out of existence, other local gyms are having to water down their product and raise prices to remain competitive and retain members.  This makes the gym going experience of real lifters even shittier, and trust me when i say that the gym going experience of 2013 is a fucking atrocity compared to that of 2000, and even less cool than it likely was in 1990.  The reason for this?  Gyms don't want real lifters- they specifically court the lazy sons of bitches Scott wants us to "help."

In short- fuck the newbies.  If they stick with it, good on them.  If they don't, it should neither come as a surprise or reflect on the rest of us in any way- it is simply a function of their weakness of character.




What should I do?  My bitch be trippin'. 

Ditch the bitch.  There are others where she came from.  That, or let her domme you, I guess. No sense in arguing a bunch though.  Why waste a bunch of time arguing with some asshole road when you could be reading, or lifting, or playing Xbox, or doing literally anything other than listening to her utilize circular logic to try to convince you her shitty behavior is your fault?  And if she's pissed because you're being a dick, either stop being a dick or ditch her because you clearly don't like her enough to be a decent human being.


I have no idea why anyone would approach me for relationship advice, but for some reason a lot of you do.  I basically treat life like I'm a modern day Peter Pan and practically live in a yurt, most chicks like me marginally more than full blown AIDS, and I have all of the sensitivity of someone with low grade autism- I could not possibly provide less insight into how you could pull chicks, keep chicks, or repair damaged relationships.  You should pretty much approach EVERYONE for relationship advice before you approach me.  You want advice on how to give chicks multiple orgasms and make them drunk dial you in the middle of the night for years after breaking up with you, begging for your cock?  That I can do.  Relationship advice, however, is not my forte.



This might be hard to walk away from.


I AM THE KING OF ALL ASSHOLES.  

Sources:
DellaVigna, Stefano and Ulrike Malmendier.  Paying Not to Go to the Gym.  15 Apr 2005.  Web.  1 Feb 2014.  http://emlab.berkeley.edu/~sdellavi/wp/gymemp05-04-20.pdf

Gym Membership Statistics.  Statistic Brain.  18 Apr 2012.  Web.  20 Jan 2014.  http://www.statisticbrain.com/gym-membership-statistics/

Nelson CF, Burns WE.  The calcium and magnesium content of normal urine.  J. Biol. Chem. 1916, 28:237-240.


Thompson, Derek.  This Is Why You Don't Go to the Gym.  13 Jan 2012.  Web.  30 Jan 2014.  http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/01/this-is-why-you-dont-go-to-the-gym/251332/

17 comments :

  1. North Koreans manage to not sever their spines, when snatching 10kg more at probably half the bodyweight. And stand up with one leg immediately after
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ShBP-9yFZ_M&t=16m10s

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  2. Holy shit.
    Not safe... not fucking safe.. have to read this one later.. damn near got caught.

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    Replies
    1. Would have thought you'd be clued into the NSFW deal by now. And that "Porn Edition" might have tipped you off.

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  3. Bitch made? Is that the new bitch mode?

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  4. Idiots, lift log enough and one knows what one is comfortable with and when to push beyond your Max, when the weight feels like a toy, then you bump up.

    When you get to really heavy weights, your hands and forearms are more likely collapse

    NEVER listen to bro science, or bitches, when it comes to slinging up weight.

    And that is one damn disturbing BJ/HJ..

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  5. When in doubt, just feel free to post pics of Kelley Scarlett, Jamie.

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  6. I don't understand all this fucking whining. He was competing in a crazy endurance event. Any time you do anything competitively at a high level, you run the risk of getting your shit fucked up. All athletes know this. Clearly the people who complain about this are far from athletes.

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    Replies
    1. I freely admit that I'm about to make a statement about stuff I know little about but I do have a thought on the matter just the same...

      For a couple of years, I've heard complaints that the quality of instruction, particularly the Oly Lifting, has been plummeting since CF has been exploding in popularity. I've read and talked to people who opined that someone eventually would get hurt the way that CF runs things.

      Well, here's the person that got hurt.

      I don't know how to Oly lift and I've never been to a CF box (and I plan to keep it that way). This could be a freak accident or it could be a sign of a long-brewing problem with CF safety/training protocol. What I do know is that I'm not surprised that everyone who has an issue with CF has turned this into an issue.

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    2. Those are real quality control issues that occur with shitty boxes. Housewives get fucked up on their first day because they're doing clean and jerk. This wasn't the issue here. It was an elite athlete being fucked up because he voluntarily did elite athletics. He did like five "Workouts of the Day" that day for a special event. It wasn't a run of the mill sort of injury, but a natural hazard of competing at a high level in a sport.

      Brandon Lily just had his kneecap explode. We don't find powerlifting at fault for this, but accept that it was a natural hazard.

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    3. Justin- While I get your point, people should be educating themselves on lifting and not relying on other people to do all of the work for them. I've never had a minute of instruction on lifting- I just figured the shit out myself.

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  7. Interestingly, Ogars injury may have been a completely random freak accident as one possibility is a plate behind him was thrown into his back by the landing of the barbell on it. So making a big deal out of him not being able to bale out in time on a high risk lift is even stupider. (The slow motion videos on the net make the whole event easier to see)

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    Replies
    1. I can't think of a reason to watch taht guy get injured. Seems like a lot of bad juju to me.

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  8. CF is the favorite training method of spec ops... According to who? Some jackoff trying to sell a book?

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    Replies
    1. According to the operators I've asked, ranging from SEALS to CIA special operators to overseas contractors.

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    2. This is factual. It is popular with good cops and SWAT teams, has been for a while. Muscular endurance helps when you are running around in 50 lbs of gear, or holding a 13 lb gun on a window for 20 minutes.

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  9. Great post, love the candy land references! Lol

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