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10 April 2009

Clearly, Nothing in This Blog (Except for Disdain) is Directed Towards Women

The aim of this blog is to establish a basis from which I can write a book. Given the fact that I am remarkably profane, I highly doubt that my book will ever be published, but I will enjoy the shit out of writing it and in giving it to my friends and training partners. That stated, nothing of the knowledge or opinions I'm imparting to you, my fuckers, is in any way directed at women. Frankly, I'd be surprised if any women actually read this, but I realized some time ago that I am a shitty trainer of women.
If I owned a gym, I would happily kick this broad right the fuck out, because she would be both a distraction and a constant source of annoyance.
Why?
  1. Most women are insane. I cannot relate to them, and I typically am far more likely to piss a woman off than I am to endear her to me in any way. Part of this is because I tell it like it is, and part of it is because I'm an unabashed misogynist and general all-around asshole.
  2. Most women lack the intestinal fortitude for hard training. Additionally, they've convinced themselves that cardio is king and weights suck, and I thus have about as much use for them as I do of retarded cripples, cats, babies, and mimes. Fuck me, I hate mimes. This, however, is why you'll see pudgy women dicking around on treadmills and ellipticals and avoiding the weights altogether.
  3. Most women do not listen. Perhaps this is because they're too busy talking, or because they suffer from the maladies I've outlined in points 1 and 2.
  4. This is the big one- women have to diet in a way that I consider insane, or they do not diet at all.

Let's address this last point, because it is the impetus behind this blog. I am frequently asked by women how to eat to look like so-and-so. Or to lose just the fat on their legs, abs, arms, etc. I used to make an attempt to explain, in the way I would speak to a small child or a housepet, how this could be accomplished. I now simply look at them like they're fucking retarded, laugh at them, and tell them they're totally fucked. If they wanted to look a certain way, they already would.
I would rather train this dog than any woman you could name. At least he's motivated.

Why?
  1. Women want one thing- for you to tell them they can continue to eat what they're eating and they can look however they want. They know this is untrue, but this is the ONLY answer they will accept. If you tell them, as I do, that they will have to give up every food near and dear to them, they will stop listening, but pretend that they're hanging on your every word. They will then tell you, to a person, that they are either Irish or Italian, or both (even if they're blacker than Wesley Fucking Snipes) and so they HAVE to eat pasta and potatoes. Preferably covered in cheese, or cream sauce, or cheese and cream sauce.
  2. Women are emotionally attached to food. I have no idea how to break this attachment. The attachment perplexes and disconcerts me, and generally makes me want to chokeslam broads into a pile of broken glass and rusty nails. It's fucking retarded.
  3. If a woman can actually force herself to diet, she CANNOT cheat. This is foreign to me, and negates a major portion of my dieting plan, since I typically operate in a slight caloric deficit until the days of my cheat meals, at which time I reach caloric excess, to a degree that will allow me to gain muscle while losing fat. It also recharges my metabolism, which is essential when dieting. If women cheat, they fuck their entire diet up, and begin using that cheat meal as an excuse for cheating the next day, or the next hour, or for abandoning their diet altogether, and blaming their failure on their feelings, rather than their lack of willpower.
So, to sum up, I do not address the myriad issues women face because they annoy me, and it's essentially a pointless exercise anyway. Women would benefit from following the diet I do, or from training the way I do, but it takes far too much effort to force them into believing it than I care to expend. I will say, for the record, that women who train in Olympic weightlifting, powerlifting, or strongman, and who follow a decent diet, look fucking awesome. Unfortunately, they are in the minority, and their exploits are overlooked because the average chick is terrified of giving up macaroni and cheese long enough to look the way they want.
Kara Bohigian. Hot. Elite powerlifter.

I believe Pitboss 2000 said it best in their song "Fat Pig":
You fucking fatass you make me sick
bubble cunt in spandex, your ass is this big
first you broke the treadmill
then you broke the bike
with jelly rolls a flappin
and a mullet like a dyke

fat pig! get outta my gym

no one needs to see you, so don't leave your house
wait for richard simmons to come and get you out
when breaking down the door to make a wall
is the only way you leave
we'll watch you take your forklift ride live on tv

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Now playing: Killwhitneydead - It Ain't Gonna Suck Itself
via FoxyTunes

4 comments :

  1. I am a woman and do read your blog. I think it has valuable information. I also think that some of your statements are not true about all women. I totally believe in weights and not cardio. Keep on posting!

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  2. I think your comments about women are more a writing style flaw than a belief -- but that may be b/c I know you and know you get really excited writing and sharing what you know and have learned from your lifting/nutrition experiences.

    When women in the gym act the way you are supposed to - with respect for the weights - then you respect them. Outside of that, you don't care for them, just as you don't care for the rest of the people at the gym that don't know (or care to know) but want to end up looking like you. LOL

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  3. I am a bad person and I generalize. ;)

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  4. Thanks for posting, I really enjoyed your most recent post. I think you should post more often, you obviously have natural ability for blogging!

    ReplyDelete