Baddest Motherfuckers Ever- Ultimate Warrior

Looking back on past BMEs, I find it odd that I've got yet another professional wrestler in a list of badass lifters given the fact I've never been much of a fan of pro wrestling. When one considers that there's less money in lifting than there is sucking cock behind dumpsters in any American ghetto, however, it makes a little more sense.  Furthermore, lifters are by and large boring motherfuckers.  They go to the gym, train people, and go the fuck home, never once stopping to rip an entire 8 ball of a line off the dashboard of a moving car and then leap out at the nearest passerby screaming unintelligible words and throw them through a plate glass window as their best imitation of a practical joke.

THE FAMILY THAT I LIVE FOR ONLY BREATHES THE AIR THAT SMELLS OF COMBAT!

This is why I find it necessary to profile the only pro wrestler outside of Goldberg I have ever found myself compelled enough to watch on a regular basis, and my only choice when playing WWE video games in the arcade back in the day- The Ultimate Warrior.  Ultimate Warrior was sane in the same way Oprah is thin and the Kardashians are actually people- his promos were unintelligible to the point where you wondered if he was simply such a genius that you lacked the requisite intellect to comprehend him.  He was one of the most physically violent and remarkably unskilled pro wrestler of the modern era, relying on drug-fueled rage, brute strength, and so much pants-shitting insanity that the Insanity Wolf seems rather tame by comparison to win his matches.  Like his eventual coke and dbol-fortified tag team partners, the Mad Max-inspired, freakishly coiffed, angriest tag team on Earth the Legion of Doom, Warrior's go to move was the gorilla press slam, which requires less athleticism than one would get out of Stephen Hawking but more brute strength than you'd get out of ten meatheads at your local rusty-iron bar garage gym to complete.  It is for these reasons, then, that the Ultimate Warrior is joining the esteemed pantheon of Valhalla-bound hardasses that comprises my Baddest Motherfuckers Ever list.

Ultimate Warrior Vital Stats
Height: 6'3"
Weight: 280 lbs.
Gorilla Press:  303 lbs (Hulk Hogan)
Bench Press: 550 lbs (reportedly)
Sanity:  Nonexistent
Awesomeness: Incalculable

Perhaps you're thinking that the above list of strength accolades doesn't warrant a place among guys like Arthur Saxon, because he's never been a competitive lifter.  You're thinking wrong.  The Warrior hails from a bygone era in which bodybuilders actually lifted heavy.  When Warrior hit the mat for the first time, he was part of a generation of bodybuilders like Eddie Robinson (610 bench press in competition at under 200 lbs.), Tim Belknap (renown for being a flaming asshole and ruining every barbell in the gyms where he trained for using insane poundages on partials), and Benny Podda (a nutjob I've detailed at length).  Bodybuilders in that era were so strong that they either had competed in and dominated powerlifting, or were simply content to compete with one another and heave around enough weight to smash a heard of mastodons flat.  Not only that, but the Warrior eventually became tag team partners and ostensibly trained with the Legion of Doom, which would mean that he was both psychotic and incredibly strong.  LOD were well known for moving massive weights, hitting bench presses of over 600 lbs (even with broken ribs) and shrugging over a thousand just because it was Tuesday and no more weight would fit on the bar.  Not only that, but the LOD were also famous for being shitty wrestlers, and pretty much relied solely on massive physical trauma and press slams to stop their opponents, both of which were the mainstays of the Warrior's wrestling repertoire.  

Though true wrestling aficionados then bag on them like they're Clinique counter girls at Macy's talking shit on Amy Weinhouse's crack whore makeup motif (only likely in a far more effeminate manner, as I've yet to meet a true wrestling mark who doesn't live in his parents basement and appear to spend the bulk of his time stealing and sniffing his mother's shoes), all of the most entertaining wrestlers of the past seem to have been the least technically proficient- Goldberg, Big Poppa Pump, the Legion of Doom, Hulk Hogan, and Andre The Giant are living (and dead in the case of half of LOD and the Giant) proof.  Speaking of Andre, the Ultimate Warrior might not have displayed his lifting prowess on the platform, but he sure as shit hefted that tubby acromegalic fuck off the ground for a body slam when Andre was tipping the scales at 545 lbs.  For those of you who think that's not all that impressive, feel free to try to hoist a saddie in a scooter at your local Walmart and dump them on their ass.  Whether or not you succeed, you'll be a fucking legend for trying and will gain valuable insight into what it feels like to heft about 600 lbs of uncooked cookie dough , flip it upside down, and smash it on the ground.

His ass is his proudest accomplishment.

Though many of the baddest motherfuckers have interesting starts to their careers, Warrior's is perhaps the most ridiculous- he wanted an ass.

"On the lecture circuit, Warrior is fond of telling the story of how a skinny little kid befriended a rusty old workout machine and the machine gave that kid an ass.  Seriously, that was his proudest accomplishment.  Not the biceps, triceps, delts, or lats.  Ass.  Not even “glutes.”  Ass.  He was very clear about that.  Ass" (Simon).  

To that end, the Warrior signed on with an all-male review called “PowerTeam USA”, which included a mime and two other random, jacked and tan, ambiguously gay in a 1990's sort of pink spandex sort of way.   At the same time, Warrior got into competitive bodybuilding, placing decently at regional shows until he met up with a couple of other bodybuilders who decided to make the transition into professional wrestling.  Warrior debuted in a shitty little Texan federation I recall seeing on UHF stations on Saturday mornings as a kid, and to my recollection the ring was octagonal, prefacing the UFC's cage shape by 10 years.  I realize that has absolutely no bearing on the discussion at hand, but I recall thinking that was a stupid fucking gimmick even as a little kid.  By the time he hit the mat for the WWE, the Warrior had established himself as a bonafide maniac capable of few legitimate wrestling moves, but also as the single greatest promo cutter in the history of wrestling.  Not event the Rock could touch the Warrior's stilted, guttural, incoherent rants, so rife with insanity that you couldn't help but pay attention.  I'm honestly not even sure his rants were a work, given that everything he's done since is equally nonsensical and insane.  Bear witness as he exercises his exorcism:

Having witnessed his insanity,it will likely come as a shock to you that his workouts were not all that exciting.  He's admitted a great many times that he has no idea how many years steroid abuse took off his life, so those of you chomping at the bit to scream "STEROIDS" can look smug and pat yourselves on your back.  Then, punch yourselves in the fucking face, because steroid use is so fucking common in commercial gyms that even in BELGIUM, a country that has literally never produced a lifter of note, 25% of of recreational lifters use gear.  Thus, steroids were not the magical panacea for muscle building and strength you might have thought they were.  Instead, insanity seems to be the primary factor in the Warrior's lifting and career success, just as it was for Tookie Williams.  

Were you to watch the Warrior's training, you would look directly into the face of a man who's managed to channel enough insanity to fill 100 horror movie loony bins with gibbering maniacs, self mutilators, and compulsively masturbating cannibalistic evangelic Christians.  I've been around multiple Special Olympians in my day, and I have never before seen a human being perform exercises with that much grimacing and slobbering.  That moaning chick at every commercial gym who sounds like she's working her way through a 50 man gangbang while lifting makes less of a scene than the Warrior does while warming up.  Nick Manning makes less of a spectacle of himself dropping loads on bitches' faces.  A roomful of naked, shit-covered midgets with Tourette's would draw less attention than the Warrior in your local Gold's Gym.  It's like the Warrior is trying to get his face as jacked as his body by making the most dramatic rictuses he possibly can in the least amount of time possible.  It's almost as if he's using time under tension for his face, and somehow it radiates out to the rest of his body.  Whether it's intensity or insanity, however, the shit is clearly working- he looks better at 54 years old than most people look at 24.

50 years old and still looking thick, tight, and solid.

In case you're curious, the Warrior does a "bodybuilding type of workout", and is preternaturally  excited about the fact that he trains calves.  For the vast majority of his training, Warrior does 10-15 reps for each set with warmups in the 30 rep range.  Ture to his completely nonsensical form, the Warrior believes this works the muscles from "the inside out".  We could spend the next hundred years with linguists, scientists, and psychologists trying to parse exactly what the fuck working a muscle from the inside out means and would likely be no closer to the answer than we are now.  Nevertheless, it seems to work for the Warrior, who is jacked to fucking bits at 50 and angrier than ever.  Just ask the band Asking Alexandria if his methods work- in a pilot for a television show that sadly never saw air, the Warrior spent the better part of an hour berating the skinny jean clad metallers from that band for disrespecting him and interrupting himself with a great deal of psychotic pseudo-intellectualism without ever really putting them through a workout. In spite of the fact that they learned nothing more than what psychotics smell like up close, I bet each one of those skinny fucks put on 5 lbs just from being in the same room as the living embodiment of every fear feminists have of machismo that is the Ultimate Warrior. 

I am not exaggerating when I say that the Warrior appears to make up for terrible programming with full-blown lunacy, skull splitting intensity, and what appears to be a dogmatic adherence to a lifelong strict diet and training routine.  If nothing else, this should prove to one and all that your program doesn't matter nearly as much as the effort and persistence you put into them.  The Warrior's routine literally could not be objectively less interesting or less likely to make someone strong enough to help a neighbor move a couch, much less lift a 600 lb man off the ground and slam him, or strict press a wiggling 300 lb man overhead.  Who needs good programming when you have maniacal training intensity?  One of the Warrior's workout videos literally shows him spending 20 seconds grabbing random benches and throwing them around the gym in a manner I previously only believed befit eternally spandex-clad and Otomix shod douchebag bodybuilder Branch Warren.

251 lbs locked out overhead and taking it for a stroll.

Warrior's workouts typically take 45 minutes to an hour and consist, hilariously stereotypical of 1990s bodybuilders, of one to two sets of three to four exercises to hit each muscle group from a variety of angles.  From what I could glean from the videos I saw online, here's what he does:

Chest: Flat Dumbbell Bench Press, Incline DB Bench Press, Flat Bench Flies

Back: Pulldowns (behind the neck with so much crunching it looks like he's trying to suck his own dick), Pulldowns to the front, Pulldowns alternating back to front

Shoulders:  Stiff Legged Clean to Behind the Neck Strict Press, Dumbbell Laterals, Dumbbell Shrugs

Arms:  Preacher Curls, Straight Bar Curls, Dumbbell Curls, Tricep Pushdowns (variety of angles), Dumbbell French Press

Legs: Leg Extensions, Leg Curls, Close Stance Squat, Calf Raise

Dem quads.

And now, to flog the same cold, dead horse I beat every time I do a baddest motherfuckers entry- there is no one ideal program, and no program is useless if you apply enough pants shitting insanity to it.  Just look at this motherfucker- is there anything at all in his program that would indicate that he's capable of moving prodigious weights?  Nope.  Will a pack of useless shitbirds content themselves with simply screaming "STEROIDS!!!!!!!" in spite of the fact that nearly everyone in your gym is on shit and none of them can do what the Warrior can do at age 54?  Yup.  In spite of the fact that everyone knows that excuses are like assholes, people just don't want to admit that's just what they are, because the only thing the lot of us should really be injecting is a truly terrifying dose of insanity- that's where the fucking gains come from.

GO HARD OR GO FUCKING KILL YOURSELF.

Get this insane and you will succeed on the platform.  Or be committed.

Sources:

Simon, Harry.  Clustershmazz.  The Wrestling Fan.  Web.  22 Sep 2013.

MIKE TYSON SAYS "LIKE THIS SHIT ON FACEBOOK OR I WILL FUCK YOU TIL YOU LOVE ME." 

Your Fat Is Definitively Your Fault #3- Holley "Superflous E In My Name Pisses Jamie Right The Fuck Off" Mangold Appears To Be Doing It Right

It should come as no surprise that my friends think very much like I do.  Though one would not guess it looking at her, the angriest, most caustic and sarcastic, and generally irascible of my friends is not a hulking behemoth but rather a tiny Asian powerlifter I nicknamed "Nuprin" when I first met her because I was hammered and couldn't remember her name.  Being awesome, she took that right in stride and continued to talk to me where most chicks would have sprayed me with lighter fluid and flicked lit matches at me until I finally exploded in the glory of their firey, estrogen-inspired retribution.  The following is the gist of a conversation I had with Nuprin earlier today:

So, slightly racist, I suppose, but a flattering nickname nonetheless.

Nuprin: I don't get how there are so many fat people

Me: Right there with you

Nuprin: You cant possibly wake up. See yourself in the mirror and be like "yeah, I'm good."

Me: When you can't see your junk without straddling a mirror you've laid on the floor and employing some strategically placed krieg lights, you'd think it'd be a wake up call

Nuprin:
Go to doctor. Be told you're obese and gonna die. Then make mad dash for nearest treadmill
And curse the heavens and genetics for making you a lazy asshole who makes shitty decisions!!
Oh why why wont society accept me for being a lazy slob??
I have a full time job! It's too much!!!
I need someone to work out for me!!
/snorts
I hate society

Me:
Doesn't everyone?  Have you seen the haes stuff?
Health at any size?
Retarded
Utter nonsense

Nuprin:
Haven't heard of it
I just hate people
This society is so fucked
it's ok to be morbidly obese people will feel bad for you and call it a disease, something you can't help
but it's wrong to be gay
the fuck?
one is sucking up more of our natural resources than necessary the other causes no one any harm
but right... gay is wrong. fat is right.

If that's right, I am happy to be wrong.  I have no idea if that's a woman or a man, honestly.

These are my friends- cold, calculating, brutal motherfuckers... and that's just the chicks.  She does bring up an interesting point, though, in that our society finds it far more acceptable to be fat than gay.  Given that gluttony is a deadly sin, it's nothing more that bald-faced hypocrisy for the denizens of middle America to stuff their fat faces all the live long day while voting for neo-fascist Christian conservatives with agendas so evil they'd have given Ivan the Terrible ideas about how to be an even bigger asshole.  Beyond that, these fat fucks think nothing of the fact that they're inconveniencing those around them, crippling the EMTs who have to load their disgusting, bloated carcasses into ambulances on hyper-expensive super-reinforced gurneys, increasing the cost of healthcare, oozing over the armrests on airplanes, and generally being disgusting to regard in person. Wheezing, hacking, lumbering herds of elephants hell bent on eating themselves to death as they inconvenience real humans with every moment of their existence, and they somehow believe themselves to be better than the guy who likes to get in a workout 6 days a week and then suck some cock.

Once again, Russians manage not to help at all in proving my point, but at least he's not about to stroke out or fall into a diabetic coma because he failed to eat his hundredth doughnut of the day.

I will confess that I thought of Holley Mangold as one of these useless land beasts for some time.  Though she managed to make it to the Olympics for weightlifting in spite of the USAWA's best efforts to keep us from ever competing in strength sports again, a complete lack of funding and truly horrifying obesity, Mangold was so fat when she competed that it was hard as hell to accurately describe her as an athlete.  She was so fat that she disrupted the Earth's Schumann resonances to the point that she causes lightning storms on the other side of the Earth when she heaved her ponderous bulk out of bed.  She was so fat that her muscle to fat ratio could only be explained in complex irrational numbers.  She was so fucking fat that if the moon exploded the Earth would only have a tidal bulge on the side she was standing on.  She was so fucking fat she'd give those sparkly twinks on Twilight the beetus if they tried to suck her blood.  At 5'8" and 360 lbs, Mangold manages to outweigh me at my heaviest by 150 lbs, in spite of the fact that she's only three inches taller than me and is hilariously no stronger.  We're talking about a person California openly courted for relocation because she'd serve as a natural habitat for condors.  She was literally carrying around a full grown person made of fat atop whatever muscle she managed to retain while eating sheet cakes and narrowly dodging type 2 diabetes.  For those of you who are unaware, the superheavyweight class in women's Olympic weightlifting is 165 lbs and up.  That means she was almost 123 lbs heavier than the 2nd place competitor in her class, 156 lbs more than the 3rd place finisher and still only managed to come in 10th fucking place.  Meanwhile, her aggregate total in Olympic weightlifting is a paltry 562.2 lbs.  That, my friends, is piss fucking poor- if you're so fat that (srs) you have to wear two fucking singlets because you're continually bursting them at the seams, you're too motherfucking fat.

Apparently, Mangold finally came to that realization.  As the only broad to ever play a non-kicker position in college football (she was an offensive lineman), she apparently doesn't lack the strength chops to hang with some strong motherfuckers, but having a 50" waist is going to ruin your bar path and whatever other considerations American Olympic lifters sit in the corner stressing about while fiddling with PVC pipe and not actually lifting weight.  Recently, it hit the news that Mangold was going to be the second US Olympian to grace television screens as a member of the television show The Biggest Loser.  Though I despised the move by alleged wrestler but actual stalling world champion, fat, waterheaded, Jesus freak Rulon Gardner, I applaud Mangold for the move, because she actually seems semi-intelligent and merely lacks the requisite willpower to avoid stuffing her mouth with cake every 43 seconds.  I realize that anyone watching you read this just witnessed the most epic jaw drop of all time, so I'll explain my reasoning:

• She finally looked in the mirror and decided she wanted to see what her vagina looked like.
• She realized that maintaining a weight that put her within minutes of a heart attack if she elevated her heart rate enough to cross a street on foot was not the path to great strength.
• Mangold realized that there is no other way for her to get paid to train for the Olympics in the United States, never mind finding a way to get access to clean food prepared by licensed nutritionists, obtaining trainers who will fucking tase her and toss her fat ass off a building if she doesn't lose some fucking weight, and possibly finding a way to pay for the next two years of training and dieting if she wins the competition.  

About to be pwned?

In case you're unaware, Olympic weightlifters in countries with good Oly teams are fucking rockstars.  Their monthly stipends are considerably higher than the average wage, they get to go to paid training camps with excellent food (not unlike NFL training camps), and their well treated.  By contrast, our athletes are constantly hounded by the unathletic, noncompetitive, nerdy, dickless, worthless, honorless, brainless assholes at the USADA every moment of their life, ignored by the press, given no support by the government, and are generally treated like second class citizens.  To wit:

"[A] Member of the Russian national team  has 4 main competitions per year. That includes Cup of Russia, European Championship, Russian Championship and World Championship. Prior to each competition, there is a training camp. Overall, athletes spend 8 months per year in training camps.

Training camps are being held for top 3 athletes of the nationals as well as for young talented prospects. Quiet often training camps are being held in the Academy of Olympic Weightlifting in Taganrog. There is an excellent food there, great diversity of dishes and some athletes gain up to 10 kilos over a camp. Most athletes have personal plans and the head coach only give sthem advice and sometimes corrects athletes personally.

National team member gets a stipend of 15,000 roubles ($ 500) per month and every year each athlete has to earn this stipend by finishing in top 3 @ the Europeans or top 6 @ the worlds.

There are bonuses like for the duration of a year, Russian championship winner receives 45,000 roubles ($900) per month, European champion gets 60,000 roubles ($2,000) per month, World champion gets 90,000 roubles ($3,000) per months and for gold medal @ the Olympics 150,000 roubles ($5,000) per month.

To put that into context, the average Russian income (as of 2009) was $8874 US per year per person" All Things Gym).

Chinese Olympic weightlifters fare even better than the Russians in terms of quality of life compared to their countrymen:

"For their years of service, the lifters receive a state salary. Even for Olympic champions, the annual amount rarely breaks $10,000, and any money from endorsements is shared with the national federation. The athletes I speak to profess no resentment. “Our food, housing, clothing, tuition—it’s all paid for,” says Liu, who receives around $9,700 a year from provincial and national-level sports bureaus—10 times the average rural Chinese income"(Beech).

She might even end up kind of hot.

In essence, Mangold is finally going to get the same support, sans drugs, given to nearly every other Olympic weightlifter in the world, and in the end will actually be regarded as an athlete, not in the least because she'll actually resemble one for once. In fact, if all goes as planned, Mangold might just end up looking fucking jacked- even if she was 40% bodyfat at 350 lbs, she's still carry enough lean muscle to hit the platform at 235 lbs at a ripped 12% bodyfat.  That means she'd make Klokov look like a bitch by comparison, which is something I personally think would be awesome to see.  In short, I applaud Hollry Mangold- she finally realized she was a disgusting piece of shit, and decided not only to do something about it, but to actually try and get awesome for once rather than relying on sheet cake and genetics to be a tad above mediocre.  Middle America, take note- you just might be able to rise above the level of land beast and actually do something useful with your lives before I become overlord and send the lot of you to the camps for manual labor on starvation rations and eventual liquidation.

This is usually where I'd post a pic of Auschwitz with the caption "Biggest Loser circa 1945", but I've grown past that, so here's a thick chick I'd smash the fucking granny out of.

Ah, fuck it.  I've not grown up at all.  Biggest Loser Sachsenhousen winner circa 1945!

Sources:
Beech, Hannah.  China's Gold Standard.  Time.  19 Jul 2012.  Web.  3 Oct 2013.  http://olympics.time.com/2012/07/19/chinas-olympic-weight-lifting-and-diving/
Chidlovski, Arthur.  Russian weightlifting demands and paychecks.  All Things Gym.  29 March 2012.  Web.  3 Oct 2013.  http://www.allthingsgym.com/russian-weightlifting-demands-paychecks/

LIKE THIS SHIT ON FACEBOOK OR I WILL RIP OUT YOUR HEART AND FEED IT TO LENNOX LEWIS. 

Chaos And Bang Your Canadian Earballs #3- The Talia Experience

Recorded about a month ago and lost in a mass of shit I had to do, the Talia episode finally sees the light of day  For those of you who who have a need for an actual podcast, I've title linked this thing but my filesize exceeds the limit for Feedburner and I'm running on an hour of sleep, so I find myself not giving a fuck so much about getting this shit on iTunes.  In any event, you can download the mp3 on Mega here or just check it out on the Youtubes and hopefully not too many jimmies will be rustled.

As I recall, this was pretty fucking hilarious, so enjoy.  If you find yourself not giving a shit about podcasts, here's booty.

Coming up in the next couple of weeks, I've got a hilarious BME on the Ultimate Warrior, a piece on the workouts of armwrestlers, and a nod to my form critics entitled "Perfect Is The Enemy Of Good".  Additionally, I'm still plodding through the first installment of my as yet unseen "This is my War" series, in which I'll detail Navy Seal training and diet, and I'll be updating you guys at random from the Olympia this weekend here and on Facebook.  Get over there and like that shit, already.

Goddamn, I am glad the consensus was for thick, because this shit is too nice.  Before you ask- this chick doesn't actually exist- it's a shopped pic of a Mexican stripper named Yurizan Beltran.

And From Upon The Mount, I Giveth Thee An Exercise- Behold The Awesome Wonder Of The Master Blaster Strict Press

Every now and again, one is struck by a preternatural genius the likes of which the world rarely sees.  In the ashes of what ended up being a half decent yet not Scanners-style head explodingly awesome bench workout, Talia suggested we take this shit back to Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome and do a Master Blaster Strict Press.  For those of you who've never seen Mad Max Beyond Thunderdome, here's a picture:

It's exactly what it looks like- a tiny baby man riding atop a giant retarded man.  Given that we had neither tiny baby men or giant retards, Talia and I subbed ourselves and busted off some strict presses with 65 lbs and 95 lbs.  It was, frankly, far more acrobatic than you'd think, and given that I barely have enough athletic ability to stand on one foot, proved to be rather challenging.  In short, he's a badass exercise you'll likely never do but you might want to just because it's completely pants-shittingly insane.  For the redditors and bodyspacers amongst you, it works:

• neck, back, and hips for the bottom.  Riverdancing proved to be decent cardio, as well.
• lats, traps and tris for the top.  There was excellent delt activation in the initial part of the lift, and abductors to squeeze the holy fuck out of my head.  

Thus, without further adieu, the dumbest and most awesome thing any two people have ever done in a weight room and lived to tell the tale:

Big ups to Stacy at Crossfit Music City for letting us train there free and basically allowing us to turn his gym into a fucking amusement park.  If you guys are ever in Nashville- hit him up.  www.crossfitmusiccity.com

"A CrossFit facility with a dedicated lifting emphasis. Lifter friendly and one of the largest CrossFit facilities in the country. Coaching staff includes Bryn Herrin, Stacey Greenway, Opal Hammer and Alex Brigham."

Contacts: Bryn Herrin (bryn@crossfitmusiccity.com) or Stacey Greenway (stacey@crossfitmusiccity.com)

Chaos and Bang your Canadian Earballs #2

No titties in this vid, so I'll help you out with that and hook them up here.  We pretty much ran the gamut on this show, so I'm not going to bother trying to give you all of the topics.  We pretty much threw our plan out of the window in the first thirty seconds of the show.

I've been catching shit from a variety of you about the lack of thick chicks on the blog, so feel free to voice your opinion about whether or not we need more thickness on the blog.  Frankly, I could stand to have a bit more thickness, but I know you guys love trannies and skinny broads, so let me know what you prefer.

REASON WILL PREVAIL!

Nutritional Psycho Now On Sale!

Just finished "Nutritional Psycho", the Chaos and Pain Guide to nutrition. It contains heavily revised versions of all of my nutritional stuff, a couple of completely new entries (including the conclusion to the Metabolic Typing Series, ananalysis of a variety of proteins and a price per gram of protein analysis thereof, a guide to supplement ingredients for fat burners and pre-workouts, and some other random shit. Weighs in at over 250 pages, has 13 single-spaced pages of citations, is filled with American Psycho quotes, is printed in the font Bateman goes berserk over, and is generally the fucking balls. 

Buy it now at chaosandpain.merchanttribestores.com.  And when you do, click the fucking download button.  It's right there.

Peep the Table of Contents:

We're Killing These Shots Like RIP, And That's Why We Outlift The Straightedge Kids

Japanese Lolita look + drunk sluts = shut the fuck up, the goddamn song is catchy and I hope you get AIDS.

Alcohol consumption has, at least in the United States, been a contentious issue.  At the risk of beating the balls off a long dead horse, I will again ascribe responsibility for this issue to Christians, as they are solely responsible for the development of a teetotal movement in the United States that's never really existed anywhere else (save for India, which shares a hatred of awesome with Christian fundamentalists).  The humorous aspect of that is, to me, that Jesus liked to party, so I'm not really clear on where Christians developed the idea that Jesus was straightedge.  Irrespective of how or why the Prohibitionists in the US developed that notion, however, they disregarded both the words of their own holy book, evidence from thousands of years of human history, and the fact that primates have apparently consumed alcohol for the duration of our family's existence to arrive at the conclusion that alcohol is "the debbil". Even tree shrews, which have a higher brain mass to body mass ratio than humans, drink their fucking faces off all the live long day in the wild.

You'd never know that little fucker could drink you under the table.

Though not precisely primates, they're prosimians, and are often used as an alternative to primates in scientific studies.  According to scientists, "The pentailed treeshrew is considered a living model for extinct mammals representing the stock from which all extinct and living treeshrews and primates radiated. Therefore, we hypothesize that moderate to high alcohol intake was present early on in the evolution of these closely related lineages" (Wiens).  In fact, scientists believe humanity's love for boozing is actually an "evolutionary hangover" from our fruit-eating primate ancestors,many of whom seem to have had a tasted for fermented fruit.  That's right- for those of you out there who are eating a strict paleo diet, alcohol is definitively paleo.  Moreover, as brewing has occurred for at least the last 9,000 years, humans have certainly adapted to alcohol consumption well enough to obviate the arguments of teetotalers who contend that alcohol impairs athletic performance, especially given the fact that some of the largest and most prolific warriors in history are well known for consuming prodigious amounts of alcohol on a regular basis.  For instance, Tacitus has this to say about the only race of people to defeat the Romans completely on the field of battle and resist their imperial aims- the Germanic tribes:

"To pass an entire day and night in drinking disgraces no one. Their quarrels, as might be expected with intoxicated people, are seldom fought out with mere abuse, but commonly with wounds and bloodshed. Yet it is at their feasts that they generally consult on the reconciliation of enemies, on the forming of matrimonial alliances, on the choice of chiefs, finally even on peace and war, for they think that at no time is the mind more open to simplicity of purpose or more warmed to noble aspirations" (Viking Answer Lady). 

Contrary to what one would think after perusing any discussion about drinking and hypertrophy on an American internet message board, the Germans were hardly sickly fuckers- in fact, they were renown in the ancient world for being the biggest, strongest, scariest motherfuckers on Earth.  According to Tacitus, " All have fierce blue eyes, red hair, huge frames, fit only for a sudden exertion" (Medieval Sourcebook).  the same goes for the cultural successors to the Germanic tribes, the Vikings, who drank beer, ale and mead with alcohol concentrations of 9-10% and 8-18%, respectively very regularly, and had at least three instances of multi-day binge drinking per year associated with festivals.  Likewise, the Scythians were well known for their use of cannabis and alcohol, the Mongols drank (and still drink) kumis as a nearly exclusive source of hydration, the Chinese have been drinking alcohol since 7000 BC and have dominated East Asia for the duration, Indian warriors began consuming an alcoholic beverage known as sura 5,000 years ago and have dominated South Asia the entire time, and Maya and Incan warriors consumed vast quantities of alcohol during the span of their empires' reigns over Mesoamerica.

Straight up and on the rocks

My liver's hella shot

Fuck all the bros and jocks

Tonight I'm rollin' with the cops

This ain't no A and E 
Won't see me on intervention

Straight A student, honor rollin', 
Sneaking vodka in detention 

Rigert's gainz look surprisingly intact.

That's all well and good, you might be saying, but those motherfuckers are dead, probably of liver failure, and according to Bodybuilding.com's genius posters, catabolism and low testosterone levels (bet those fuckers fucked chicks and jerked off too!  Suckers!  Killed their gainz and their empires simultanously.)  Let us, then, examine some more modern examples of epic lifters who were also epic drinkers:

• Arthur Saxon.  Though he lifted for two to three hours in the morning and often performed twice a night, this legendary lifter drank his fucking face off daily.  Claiming to have been "weaned on beer", Saxon drank a "health drink consisting of a stout beer and a shot of gin with eggs and sugar added, and once drank 50 beers prior to a performance in Britain and still failed to miss a lift (Inch).
• Vasily Alekseyev.  "When they were in the training hall sizing each other up Vasily was always gone only to return after hours.  The other competitors slept in their beds like giant babes while "Uncle Vasily" ran up and down the halls drinking beer from the case held under his arm while thowing bottles and firecrackers in the other sleeping giant's rooms" (Sorin).
• David Rigert.  Like Alekseyev, Rigert was a Russian Olympic weightlifting phenomenon who was legendary for his vodka consumption and chain smoking habits.
• Bulgarian Olympic weightlifters.  Anyone who has ever trained with these guys comes back with a six week hangover, as the Bulgarians apparently think water and vodka are interchangeable for hydration.
• Hermann Goerner and the early 20th Century Germans.  "Many German gyms were not only places where you went to improve strength, health and muscularity. They were also social centers, places where friends met, where you took your wife or girlfriend. They were, at the turn of the century and well into the 1920’s attached to a beer garden or close to one.... Around the four walls of the gym were benches, and above them the shelves where you kept your personal beer stein" (Smith).
• Norbert Schemansky.  The angriest man ever to compete and win at anything at all, Mike Tyson included, credited his success with a diet consisting of "hamburgers, pizza, beer" and once stated that he drank so much Budweiser would be his sole sponsor if he was lifting today (Green).

When asked why he drank so much beer, Schemansky had this to say, "Because fuck you, that's why."

I could go on at some length, because I've frankly never met an elite lifter who didn't like to drink.  there's actually a reason for this- elite competitors are much more inclined to indulge in risk-taking behaviors than the average person (Jacobs).  Additionally, exercise and drinking are very positively correlated.  the more you drink, the more you exercise, and vice-versa.  Though scientists have no idea why this is, they do know that exercise mitigates the damage done to the brain in binge drinking, and that 

"'drinking is associated with a 10.1 percentage point increase in the probability of exercising vigorously,' the authors write. More specifically, 'heavy drinkers exercise about 10 more minutes per week than current moderate drinkers and about 20 more minutes per week than current abstainers.' Meanwhile, the authors continue, 'an extra episode of binge drinking increases the number of minutes of total and vigorous physical activity per week for both women and men'" (Reynolds). 

See what happens when you people bitch about DLB?  Millionaires, that's fucking what happens.

While that might seem counter-intuitive to most people, it falls in line with what statistics show- the countries with the highest per capita consumption of alcohol seem, almost invariably, to be the countries that produce the best lifters.  Here are the top twenty six nations in the world for per capita alcohol consumption and some of their strength sport (I've included the Olympic sports in which strength plays a profound role) feats:

1. Moldova-2 bronzes in weightlifting, 2 in boxing, 1 in wrestling, which isn't bad for a country known solely for car theft and corruption.  Additionally, it's only been a country since 1994, and boasts a population of only 3.5M.  In spite of those facts, the US was barely able to pick up as many medals in weightlifting in the same time frame.
2. Czech Republic- 1 silver in boxing.  Only a country since 1993 and pop of 10M.  As a part of Czechoslovakia, however, they pulled down 15 medals in wrestling, 8 in weightlifting, and 6 in boxing out of a country with a population of 13-15 million.
3. Hungary- 20 medals each in boxing and weightlifting, and 54 in weightlifting though they only have a population of 10M people.  Clearly, drinking one's face off and boasting the genetic line of Attila helps on the lifting platform.
4. Russia- 48 medals in wrestling, 26 in boxing, 26 in weightlifting as Russia (since 1992), and 116 in wrestling, 62 in weightlifting, and 51 in boxing as the Soviet Union. Additionally, Russians hold roughly half of the world records in powerlifting and are capable of more evil per pound of bodyweight than any other group of people in history, especially if homos are nearby.  Vodka for the win.
5. Ukraine- 14 each in boxing and wrestling and 8 in weightlifting since 1992 and home of World's Strongest Man winner Vasyl Virastuk.
6. Estonia- 11 wrestling, 7 weightlifting, and 1 boxing medal in the Olympics, though it's only been a country since 1991 and has a population of 1.2M.
7. Andorra- Not even a country, really.  Not sure how the hell it made this list, as I've taken shits larger and more interesting than Andorra.
8. Romania- 32 wrestling, 13 weightlifting, and 25 boxing medals, in spite of the fact they have about 11 dollars between all of the people within that nation's borders and their country is filled to the brim with destitute vampires.
9. Slovenia- 3 medals in Judo since 1992 pulled down by a country that fits comfortably in my parents' backyard.  Yugoslavia, however, which consisted of Slovenia, Macedonia, Bosnia and Herzegovnia, and Croatia had 16 wrestling and 11 boxing medals in 70 years of competition out of a population of 23M. 
   
10. Belarus- 10 weightlifting, 8 wrestling, and 2 boxing medals since 1992, plus they boast badass chick powerlifter Irena Pietrovich in one of the few countries still run by a psychotic despot.
11. Croatia- 2 boxing medals, one very fucking badass Mirko Crocop, and the aforementioned Great Antonio (in the last stew-roids blog).
12. Lithuania- Home of WSM badasses Žydrūnas Savickas and Vytautas Lalas.  Also 5 weightlifting, 7 boxing, and 6 wrestling medals at the Olympics in under ten years.
13. South Korea- 20 boxing medals, 35 in wrestling, and 11 in weightlifting, all in spite of the fact that the country's only been around for 60 years and has a fifth of the US's population.
14. Portugal- Portugal sucks at everything but drinking, apparently.  When some of the people in that country used to actually have jobs, though, they did help "discover" the New World.
15. Ireland- 16 boxing medals in the Olympics, and birthplace of the most ridiculous martial art of all time, shin-kicking, in which drunken Irishmen kick each other in the shins wearing steel toed boots until one quits.
16. France- 19 boxing, 17 wrestling, and 15 weightlifting medals, though they seem to have peaked quite early and have done virtually nothing of note in decades.
17. United Kingdom- Home of WSM winners Jamie Reeves, Geoff "I have very butthurt fans" Capes, and Gary Taylor.  They've also boasted their fare share of good powerlifters, and 53 boxing, 17 wrestling, and 7 weightlifting medals in the Olympics.
18. Denmark- 12 boxing, 8 wrestling, and 3 weightlifting medals, plus the home and birthplace of one of the few people to fuck Grace Jones and live to tell the tale, Sven Ole Thorson..
19. Slovakia- 3 boxing, 5 wrestling, and one weightlifting medal as an independent nation, but also contributed to the badassery displayed in the former Czechoslovakia.
20. Poland- Home of Marius Pudzianowki, Sebastian Wenta, and Krzysztof Radzikowski, in addition to 43 boxing, 25 wrestling, and 32 weightlifting medals, plus a partridge in a pear tree. 
21. Austria- Two wrestling and 9 Olympic weightlifting medals to their credit, in addition to being the birthplace of Arnold Schwartzennegger, Roland Kickinger, and Manfred Hoerberl.
22. Luxembourg- Barely a country and boasts a population of ten rich people and their manservants, but they still have a silver in weightlifting and legendary strongman John Marx Grunn.
23. Germany- 22 boxing, 24 wrestling, 20 weightlifting medals, and currently boasts badass Olympic lifters Matthias Steiner (the dude who dropped several hundred pounds on his head at the last Olympics) and weightlifting goddess Julia Rohde, who would have been worshipped as a diety in 1940s Germany.
24. Finland- Birthplace of some of the most legendary deadlifters in history, WSM winners Janne Virtanen and Jouku Ahola, and WSM runners-up Riku Kiri, Marko Varalahti, and Ilkka Nummisto.
25. Latvia- Home of Konstantin Konstantinovs and WSM competitor Raimonds Bergmannis.  'Nuff said.
26. Bulgaria- 18 boxing, 68 wrestling, and 36 weightlifting medals, in a country with three million fewer people in it than New York City and roughly the same GDP as the state of Virginia.  That, my friends, is called drinking your way to weightlifting excellence.

Not sure if that's a man or a woman, but the moral of the story told in this picture is "Don't be Bangladeshi".

By contrast, the countries with the lowest alcohol consumption have very few or no Olympic medals, no good powerlifters, and no decent strongmen, in spite of the fact that many of them having comparatively massive populations- I'm looking at you, Bangladesh.  Does this mean drinking confers great strength?  Certainly not, but it does point to a very interesting correlation.  While we're on the subject, though,

• post workout consumption of 70-80g of alcohol had no effect on testosterone, leutinizing hormone, cortisol, or any other endocrinological indicator of recovery or hypertrophy (Koziris)
• post workout consumption of 60-90g of alcohol had no effect on strength (Poulsen) or recovery (Clarkson)
• alcoholics have better body composition than non-drinkers (Addolorato)

So, where does this put us?  Squarely in the "tell the 16 year olds on the internet to spend more time lifting and less time debating pointless minutiae" section of the library.  If you're going to be a Billy Badass, you're likely going to be a badass drinker as well. The two seem to go together like peanut butter and ladies, Chinese food and chocolate pudding, and cocaine and waffles- while you can have one without the other, you're not bloody likely to.  Thus, it might be time to grab yourselves some Devotion vodka (it's got 2 grams of casein protein per shot) and head down to the gym for a bit of the old "anything you can do I can do better drunk as a fucking lord", because there's nothing like a drunken, impromptu strongman competition to get the ol' blood flowing.  Just bear in mind there's a reasonable chance you might die, and try not to (that's my legal disclaimer for when you parents try to sue me over your corpse).

LIKE ME ON FACEBOOK OR I'LL SWALLOW YOUR SOUL!

Sources:
Addolorato G, Capristo E, Marini M, Santini P, Scognamiglio U, Attilia ML, Messineo D, Sasso GF, Gasbarrini G, Ceccanti M.  Body composition changes induced by chronic ethanol abuse: evaluation by dual energy X-ray absorptiometry.  Am J Gastroenterol. 2000 Sep;95(9):2323-7.
Alcoholic Beverages and Drinking Customs of the Viking Age.  Viking Answer Lady.  Web. 4 Sep 2013.  http://www.vikinganswerlady.com/drink.shtml
Clarkson PM, Reichsman F.  The effect of ethanol on exercise-induced muscle damage.  J Stud Alcohol. 1990 Jan;51(1):19-23.
Green, Jerry.  Norbert Schemansky- With little money or home recognition, Olympian dominated.  Natural Strength.  19 Sep 2011.  Web.  4 Sep 2013.  http://www.naturalstrength.com/2011/09/norbert-schemansky-with-little-money-or.html
Inch, Thomas.  My Friendship With Arthur Saxon.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  7 Jan 2009.  Web.  4 Sep 2013.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2009/01/my-friendship-with-arthur-saxon-thomas.html
Jacobs, Farrin.  Risk is relative: Elite athletes take the biggest risks.  Psychology Today.  1 Mar 2002.  http://www.psychologytoday.com/articles/200203/risk-is-relative-elite-athletes-take-biggest-risks
Koziris LP, Kraemer WJ, Gordon SE, Incledon T, Knuttgen HG.  Effect of acute postexercise ethanol intoxication on the neuroendocrine response to resistance exercise.  J Appl Physiol. 2000 Jan;88(1):165-72.
Medieval Sourcebook:  Tacitus: Germania.  Web.  4 Sep 2013.  http://www.fordham.edu/halsall/source/tacitus1.htm

Poulsen MB, Jakobsen J, Aagaard NK, Andersen H.  Motor performance during and following acute alcohol intoxication in healthy non-alcoholic subjects.  Eur J Appl Physiol. 2007 Nov;101(4):513-23. Epub 2007 Aug 24.

Reynolds, Gretchen.  Phys Ed: Does Exercising Make You Drink More Alcohol? New york Times.  5 Jan 2011.  Web.  4 Sep 2013.  http://well.blogs.nytimes.com/2011/01/05/does-exercising-make-you-drink-more-alcohol/?src=me&ref=health&_r=0

Smith, Charles A.  Hermann Goerner.  The Tight Tan Slacks of Dezso Ban.  12 Oct 2009.  Web.  4 Sep 2013.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2009/10/hermann-goerner-charles-smith.html

Sorin, Richard.  A brief history of sport's most recognized man.  Sorinex.com.  Web.  Link broken.

Wiens F, Zitzmann A, Lachance M, Yegles M, Pragst F, Wurst FM, Von Holst D, Guan SL, Spanagel R.  Chronic intake of fermented floral nectar by wild treeshrews.  Proc Natl Acad Sci USA. 2008 Jul 29;105(30):10426-31.