18 January 2013

Cannibal Ash Samples, Bitches!

We've got scads of samples, so if you want to try out Chaos And Pain's new fatburner, hit us up on Facebook, like that shit, and follow the directions.
For those of you who like Killswitch Engage, Mike D'Antonio (their bassist) designed this label for us as well.

Cannibal Ash is an adipose incinerating thermogenic complex consisting of Evodiamine, Caffeine, Chocamine, Cayanne, Naringen, Green Tea (standardized for 50% polyphenol), White Tea (standardized for 50% polyphenol), and Black Tea (standardized for 50% polyphenol), Svetol, White Willow Bark, Synephrine HCL, Yohimbe HCL (standardized for 8% yohimbine), and Bioperine (1841 mg).

Apparently, Uncle Sam is keeping all of the good shit for himself.

We packed that motherfucker with every single stimulant the US government has seen fit to leave us.  Astonishingly, caffeine's not yet been banned, but as Lance Armstrong apparently used it while riding bikes with his skinny, ridiculously-clad friends, it probably will be soon.

Get in on the insanity with the more social motherfuckers who've already submitted vids and pics on Facebook.  Got something that beats a candid photo with Fabio?  I didn't think so, but we've got bunches of samples to send out.  Hit it up now, so that you don't end up like this poor broad.


15 January 2013

Pimpin' Ain't Easy #4- Let's get Down to The Finish

Yuri Vlasov, badass overhead presser and progenitor of one of the greatest quotes of all time: 
“The blood of your fathers has turned to water in your veins. Not your lot is it to be strong as they were. Having tasted neither life’s sorrows nor it’s joy, like a sickling you look at life through a glass. Your skin will shrivel, your muscles grow weak, tedium will devour your flesh destroying desire. Thought will congeal in your skull and horror will stare at you from the mirror. Overcome yourself, overcome yourself. I tremble, I seethe, I clench, I seize the haul.”

Time To Set It Straight
It was recently brought to my attention that I abandoned this series like a 16 year old's dumpster baby on prom night, so I thought it prudent to finish this motherfucker up posthaste.  From what I've read online and in the comments in this series, people seem to have a hell of a time with overhead pressing, and they're all incredibly perplexed as to why they suck at putting weight overhead.  The answer, however, is really fucking simple- you're not used to doing it, have never prioritized it, and definitely don't overhead press as much as you should.  I covered some of the exercises you should be doing in the previous entry, so it stands to reason I should give you a place to start and a destination for which you should aim, lest you just mill about the gym randomly doing Savickas Presses and mumbling Big Daddy Kane lyrics to yourself.


Bill March- what you look like when you don't suck at the overhead press.

Begin At The Beginning
If you suck at the military press, which is likely, because most people seem to regard it as the weightlifting version of Susan Boyle's vagina, you're going to need to start with baby steps.  When I began really focusing on the overhead press, I did so by starting out with a weight I knew I could handle for 6-8 reps, and pounding the shit out of it at that weight every other day.  In my case, that was 135 lbs on the strict military overhead press.  Once I got to the point where I could reliably hit that for 10, I bumped up to 155, and restarted the process.  I continued in that fashion to 185, where I got to the point where I could hit 5-8 without much of a problem, and then started going for doubles and singles.  Former U.S. Olympic Weightlifting team coach Jim Schmitz had a slightly different approach.  Given that I had already been training for 15 years when I got serious about overhead pressing, my experience was likely uncommon.  Schmitz, on the other hand, likely has seen all manner of noobs wander through his dusty gyms, and thus is a good resource to consult.  According to the venerable Schmitz,
"For beginners—or if this is a new exercise for you—I recommend sets of 10 reps with a weight of about 25% of your bodyweight. If you weigh 150 lb., then start with about 35 to 40 lb. for 2 sets of 10 reps. If you are an experienced lifter, I recommend sets of 5 reps with a weight that you can do for only 5 reps. However, it would be a good idea to take a very light weight for 10 reps as a warm up. To make the military press more of a complete and effective exercise, you can power clean and press each rep. Two important things to remember are to get set before you press and to hold the weight overhead for at least 1 second for each rep, and 3 seconds on the last rep of each set. Also, when you lower the barbell back to your clavicles and deltoids, you want to catch the bar with a little give in the legs so as not to beat up and bruise yourself or jar your spine. It’s sort of like catching a baseball: you give with the barbell, and then get set for the next rep.
According to Schmitz, if you're a man in the prime of your life, you should be able to overhead press your bodyweight.  Women, on the other hand, should be hitting 75% of their bodyweight, though from my experience I'd say more like 66%.  That's not a knock on females, but rather a concession that even chicks who regularly put weight overhead generally don't have the upper body strength that comes with testosterone and a childhood of intense physical activity.  For instance, my girlfriend is a former competitive Olympic weightlifter turned powerlifter, and she only strict presses 80 lbs at 135.  Her jerk and her behind the neck push press are both more than double that, but that's likely due to the involvement of her lower body in driving the bar up.  Given the role leg strength plays in women's upper body movements, focusing on strict pressing is likely a good idea for women, as it will translate nicely when they switch back to power movements.  That said, everyone, irrespective of their gender, should have strict military pressing their bodyweight as a primary goal, if for no other reason than it's silly not to be able to do so.


Doesn't need a reason or a caption.  This is just awesome.

Interestingly, an article on Critical Bench compounded my beliefs on this issue- doing strict, rather than power movments, should definitely have its place in your program.  To wit, bench press specialist and drug free world record holder Rock Lewis pointed out that he does the majority of his bench pressing with his legs in the air.  We've all seen the kid we consider to be functionally retarded benching 185 lbs. with his legs up and crossed in the gym at some point, but there's actually merit to that method, according to Rock- he's benched 620 in that fashion at 242.  Additionally, Rock utilizes high volume to bring up his bench, hitting eight to ten sets of ten three days a week for much of the year, then drops to four sets of ten and six sets of five.  That basically mirrors my method for getting my overhead press out of the toilet, so it might be worth trying.



Having elucidated my method for bringing up my overhead press and that of an esteemed US Olympic weightlifting coach, we might as well take a look at other methods.  Tommy Kono is one of America's untarnished Olympic treasures- he was a badass in Olympic weightlifting and in bodybuilding, and had an overhead press of 347 at 198.  As such, Kono's as much an authority on overhead pressing as Lindsey Lohan is on disgracing one's parents.  Kono had some very specific theories on how people should train- namely, that less is more and more will fuck you up.  In the event that you, like me, love training and think low volume programs are to be scorned and belittled, you might initially think Kono's program would be somewhat unfulfilling.  That is, however, until you take into account the frequency with which he does each lift.  Kono broke his program into two parts, the first of which he'd do for three to six weeks, and the second of which he'd do for two to three.  Both periods of the program consisted of two to three days of the same workout.  In the first phase, Kono's overhead work consisted of putting weight overhead for between 16 and 24 sets.  That, for the vast majority of us, is hardly low volume.  In phase one, Kono did the following:

Overhead Press 5 x 5
Power Snatch 3 x 3

In the second phase, Kono stepped it up a notch and took a page out of Doug Hepburn's book, as he included the press off the rack.  In this phase, Kono's overhead work consisted of:

Press off Rack 8 x 3
Power Snatch 3 x 3
Squat Snatch 2 x 3; 2 x 2; 3 x 1

When he wasn't training for a competition, Kono stuck with three days of overhead pressing, 8 sets of 3 for his press work.  The interesting thing about Kono's training, in my opinion, is the fact that while his overhead work likely outstrips the average trainee's to a degree that it resembles the comparison of a nun's sex life with a back alley prostitute, Kono was a vociferous advocate of lower-volume training.  According to Brian Carson,  "Kono was very outspoken at the time against the bodybuilding and lifting magazines that advocated heavy volume training. Kono insisted that the body responds better to brief workouts performed 2-3 times per week with less not more exercises. Yes, people, Tommy Kono was/is a very smart man."


March strict pressing 390.

Another US Olympic pressing phenom and Mr. Universe was Bill March, a guy of whom you've likely never heard.  March was built like a brick shithouse- 5'7", 200 lbs, and lean as hell.  As I've mentioned previously, the strict press pretty much became a joke, which is one of the reasons it was dropped from Olympic competitions.  March preceded the really extreme back-bending contortionist routines that led to the abandonment of the lift, and hit 353.1 at a bodyweight of 198 for the world record in 1963.  His routine was vastly different than anything of which you've likely heard, and therefore requires some investigation.  March did shoulder work twice a week, utilizing partials to bring up his overhead press.  Dubbing it the "March Overload Power System", March overhead pressed Tuesday and Thursday, then maxed out on the Olympic lifts on Saturday.  He encouraged every lifter to find their own sticking points, which vary greatly between individuals, then break the lift into three sections according to those sticking points.  For the purposes of his training, March referred to the the three sections as low, middle, and high, which correspond to the shoulders to about six inches higher, eye level to just above the head, and then the lockout.  Once you've identified where your sticking point is, like eye level to the top of the head, you should focus on that part of the lift like a Ritallin-addicted stripper on dollar bills.  March recommended only doing one set of three, to complete failure, on that portion.  Start with the portion of the lift giving you problems, then move on to the other two portions of the lift, doing one set of three with a 12 second static hold at the end of the set.  Unique and innovative, which is usually what you need to be if you're going to kick ass like Chuck Norris in a Sir Mix Alot video at anything in which you might compete.




That should resonate with you like the Kraken's "bloop" bouncing off the US Navy's hydrophones- you're not overhead pressing enough.  Lest you think you Kono was full of shit, however, and think that once a week shoulder training is enough, there are a number of strongmen who'd disagree strongly enough to match the violence of response to stimuli that the obstreperous autistic kid who tried to buttfuck himself with an TV remote because his mom cancelled his WoW account exhibited.  For instance, hall of fame strongman and occasionally impressive MMA fighter Mariusz Pudzianowski trained twice a day, six days a week when he was a strongman, rotating between three gym workouts and three event training workouts.  As such, he does each of the three gym workouts twice a week.  Day two of his workout consists of 6 x 5 on behind the neck push press, with crucifix holds in the evening.



Derek Poundstone, another epic strongman, discovered that the weak link in his overhead press was actually his triceps.  As such, he added tons of heavy tricep work to his shoulder-heavy routine of strict overhead presses (standing and sitting on the floor), log clean and presses, and one arm overhead presses (Q&A).  Poundstone focuses on shoulders and traps on Monday, then hits them again on Saturday with event training after pre-fatiguing his shoulders and triceps with chest and tricep training on Friday.  


The reason for his giant, vascular shoulders should be pretty obvious.

For those of you curious as to what I do for shoulders, it varies rather considerably.  My favorite three workouts, however, are the following.

Klokov All The Time
This workout just consists of Klokov presses, which I detailed here, and often consumes the entirely of my workout.  For some reason, I love these enough to just do them indefinitely.  As such, I'll do one of two things.  I'll either pick a weight and do it for an hour to an hour and a half with as little rest between sets as possible, or gradually ramp the weights up.  Thus, I do this:

1 Hour of sets of 8-12 reps with 135, which ends up being 20-40 sets

or

5 x 10 x 135
10 x 3-5 x 185
2-5 x 1-2 x 205
1-2 x 1 x 225

If that seems like a hell of a lot of volume, that's because it is.  I could not love a human baby as much as I enjoy doing Klokovs, however, and it's my go to exercise when I feel like shit and don't want to train.

Behind The Neck Extravaganza
This is exactly what it sounds like.  I usually work up to a max single on behind the neck push press, and recently tied my personal best while battling walking pneumonia.  This workout goes something like this:

1 x 1 x 135
1 x 1 x 225
5 x 1-3 x 275
1 x 1-2 x 305
5 x 1 x 315
3 x 1 x 325
2 x 1 x 355
1 x max x 315

Mix It Up
For this one, I'll generally start with strict military presses, then go on to push presses.

Strict Press
1 x 10 x 135
1 x 10 x 155
1 x 5-8 x 185
1 x 3 x 205
3-10 x 1 x 225

Push Press
5-10 x max x 225

There's really no rhyme or reason to the manner in which I do these workouts- they go entirely by what I feel like doing, and then I do that.  I generally have two days a week when i do shoulders, and the workouts range from the shit I just mentioned to a few sets of Klokov presses for max reps with 185.  The more, the better, on shoulder work, and I'll just mix it in whenever everything else hurts or I just feel like pressing.


Dmitri says press something.

It should be clear, at this point, that you need to train more overhead press, and that failure to do so will only make you look silly when all is said and done.  In the event that the point's not yet been made, here's an incomplete list of Crossfit chicks who manage to be hot while outlifting you on overhead work.


Becky Conzelman- Bizarrely Bible thumping, 40 year old Conzelman busted a 160lb thruster at a bodyweight of 123 in competition, and has hit a 180 lb clean and jerk  (Green).  She's gotten that overhead strength from a shitload of training, as "She has been doing five CrossFit workouts, four weightlifting sessions, and one or two gymnastics sessions per week."(Green)


Jenny Davis-  Alright, so they're not all burning hot, but this broad is fucking metal, as she literally just took a steaming shit on your IQ and your best overhead lift.  Davis is a Yale graduate and has a 195 lb. clean and jerk and 145 lb. snatch at a bodyweight of 148.  Her secret?  "Her main emphasis has been volume, with shorter [workouts] taking a back seat.  “I’m training five days a week, with a mixture of singles and doubles,” Davis says. “I’ve been doing a lot of higher volume bodyweight movements and trying to incorporate some gymnastics play in there."(Schermerhorn)



Angie Pye- Though the above picture might not indicate that she's pretty as hell,  Angie Pye manages not only to be capable of a 190 lb. clean and jerk and 150 lb snatch at 148, but is so lean that you should be considering a 2 week fast after looking at that picture of her back.  Pye trains 8 times a week, which is likely why she puts more weight overhead than most of you.




Mona Pretorius-  Rocking a name that seems to have been pulled directly from a comic book, she's  a six time world champion in karate, and she clean and jerks 231 lbs.  Did I mention she weighs 132?  Make sure you put plastic down before you blow your brains out, fellas- no need to leave a mess for the family to clean up.  She trains twice a day with a mix of Olympic weightlifting and Crossfit, and does a metric shit ton of overhead work.

At this point, you should be reaching for your car keys to get your happy ass to the gym and overhead press.    Either that, or a .44 Magnum.  It's time we brought the lift back into prominence and stopped, collectively, sucking at it like a toothless hooker in a Thai brothel.  Get at it, motherfuckers.

Sources:
Carson, Brian.  Tommy Kono Program.  Tommy Kono Power Program-Part 1.  Tommy Kono Power Program-Part 2.  http://workout-routines.net/index.php?s=tommy+kono


Froneman, Amy.  Mona Pretorius: dynamite in a small package.  Health24. 29 Jul 2011.  Web.  15 Jan 2013.  http://www.health24.com/fitness/General/16-4634,64364.asp

Green, Meg.  Mover and Shaker: Becky Conzelman.  http://games.crossfit.com/article/mover-and-shaker-becky-conzelman

John, Dan.  An Overview of Bill March Materials.  Dan John.  Dec 2009.  Web.  15 Jan 2013.  http://danjohn.net/2009/12/an-overview-of-bill-march-materials/

March, Bill.  The Overload Power System.  Tight Tan Slacks Of Dezso Ban.  5 Jan 2011.  Web.  15 Jan 2013.  http://ditillo2.blogspot.com/2011/01/overload-power-system-bill-march.html

Q&A with Derek Poundstone.  RX Muscle.  27 Mar 2009.  Web.  15 Jan 2013.  http://forums.rxmuscle.com/showthread.php?5069-Q-amp-A-with-ASC-Pro-Strongman-Derek-Poundstone

Schermerhorn, Keka.  Empasizing Volume: JENNY DAVIS.  http://games.crossfit.com/article/emphasizing-volume-jenny-davis

Schmitz, Jim.  The Manly Military Press.  Ironmind.  Web.  15 Jan 2013. http://www.ironmind.com/ironmind/opencms/Lifts/Military_press.html

Tatar, Ben.  Interview with awe-inspiring bench presser Rock Lewis.  Critical Bench.  Mar 2008.  Web.  14 Jan 2013.  http://www.criticalbench.com/Rock-Lewis-Bench-Presser.htm

Tommy Tamio Kono.  Hall of Fame @ Liftup.  Web.  15 Jan 2013.  http://www.chidlovski.net/liftup/l_galleryResult.asp?a_id=274#records


William March.  Top Olympic Lifters of the 20th Century.  Liftup.  Web. 15 Jan 2013.  http://www.chidlovski.net/liftup/l_athleteResult.asp?a_id=484#wr

05 January 2013

It's Time To Stop Mocking Indians For Their Clubbells #5- Training Like A Pehlwan


Apparently, not all of India's excellence lies in the past, as this stout motherfucker is currently the head of England's kabaddi team, which seems to be a combination of kill the cow, wrestling, and marco polo.  Quite frankly, the rules don't make much sense to me other than the fact you have to hold your breath if you have the ball and players kick the fuck out of each other.  Think I'm joking?  From Wikipedia: "Two teams occupy opposite halves of a small swimming pool / field and take turns sending a "raider" into the other half, in order to win points by tackling members of the opposing team; then the raider tries to return to his own half, holding his breath and chanting the word "Kabaddi" during the whole raid. The raider must not cross the lobby unless he touches any of his opponents. If he does so then he will be declared as "out". There is also a bonus line which ensure extra points for the raider if he manages to touch it and return to his side of the field successfully."  As I understand it,most kabaddi players begin as pehlwans, as wrestling is an integral part of of the sport, and their strength training is similar.  Thus, Indian strength training methods would seem to still produce some impressive results.

Stout as shit.

The jacked motherfucker above who appears to be the essence of all of the badass Indian gods rolled into one is Manga Mithapuria, a man who stands as living proof of the efficacy of Indian strength training methods.  It stands to reason that these methods should produce results like those shown above- Indian wrestlers utilize training methods honed over nearly a thousand years of fanatical devotion to strength and muscularity.  Thus, in spite of their current inability to compete on the international level in strength sports, their methods, exercise, and programming deserve far more investigation and respect than the West gives them.  Frankly, as the West typically pays India and Indian athletes about as much respect as the typical Romanian pays an unwashed Gypsie, any amount of respect paid the Indian training methods would be an improvement.

Given what you've already learned about Indian weight lifting in this series, it should come as no surprise that the Indians get up to some Howard Hughs-esque weirdness with the rituals and traditions surrounding training, though they seem to refrain from collecting fecal samples and storing them in labelled jars.  They are, however, concerned with a wide array of seeming trivialities that to the Indians are of paramount importance, and after delving into their odd predilections a bit deeper, they actually happen to make sense.


Kicking off the weirdness is the preoccupation with cleanliness.  Before entering the gym, one must have taken a leak and a shit, taken a cold bath in the summer or a warm bath in the winter, and brushed their teeth.  Amusingly, the first action on the list has special importance, as the Indians truly believe that they must urinate to relieve the body's inner heat before bathing, or risk "enrag[ing] the body and caus[ing] serious illness"(Alter) and that entering the gym without shitting could destroy the purity of the gym, ostensibly guessing that you'll shit yourself in training and dirty up the place.  As for the bathing, Indians have a laundry list of reasons why they should bathe (especially a cold bath) before lifting, but the list basically boils down to the fact that it wakes you the fuck up and sets your mind for doing work.  As such, it makes sense to get all polar bear on the deal and freeze yourself in a cold bath before hitting the gym.  Additionally, cold baths have been shown to increase testosterone levels, improve sleep, boost your immune system, reduce depression, increase fertility, increase energy, and reduce the effects and incidence of injury (McKay).  Thus, the Indians are off to a good start, even if their rationalization for the bath is a little odd.


Past the bath, Indians have some other oddities that are worth examining if for no other reason than they might lend themselves, with modifications, to your daily routine.  First, they always rub themselves down with the dirt from the wrestling pit to remove perspiration and keep their body warm post workout.  This is done to prevent the "chill" that folk medicine tells us will bring on illness.  Once they've cooled down, they bathe again, then rub themselves down with oil to facilitate self-massage and to keep their skin from drying out.  As all of us know, self-massage is a pretty much essential part of recovery, so the Indian predilection for post-workout rubdown and dirt extravaganza makes sense.

Bedtime.

Once the Indians have completed their sixth to eighth hour of training for the day and drunk their liter of ghee, it's time to hit the sack.  Sleep is paramount for Indian lifters, as they consider it equally important to food, air, and water (Alter).   They believe that it's essential for recuperation, helps with digestion, and allows lifters to get stronger.  They attempt to sleep at the same time every day, keeping the body's natural rhythms in sync and optimizing hormone levels.  According to the Indians, a "lack of sleep produces illness, emaciation, weakness, impotence, and the risk of premature death" (Alter), which while a bit extreme, generally falls in line with what modern science has shown us to be the case with rest and recovery.

Skeptical George is skeptical.

To build on the recovery they get from sleep, the Indian strongmen also set aside Wednesdays for massage, foregoing training for full-body massages.  This allows them to train with the level of frequency and intensity they do- pretty much anyone who's training six to eight hours a day, three of which is strength training, are going to need a massage on the regular.  The wrestlers themselves give each other the massages, and many of them are highly knowledgeable in joint manipulation as well, so that they act as combination masseurs and chiropractors.  The key, they feel, is to become as knowledgeable as possible in all aspects of maintaining and improving the health of themselves and others, to facilitate harder and heavier training and thus become incredible athletes.  Frankly, this all seems like a fucking great idea, and I've been in gyms wherein knowledgeable members will throw out quick massages and adjustments for other lifters, but it seems we have far too much sexual taboo and repression in the West to really make full use of this method.  As such, you might just want to utilize your Theracane and Rumble Rollers for a while once a week to avoid having to mumble "no homo" repeatedly while having your lifting partner try to grind out your trigger points himself.

This picture should inspire the suicide of just about everyone on Bodyspace, since I guarantee you this motherfucker's never spent a dime on supplements or a minute blathering on a message board begging idiot strangers to critique his routine.


The Meat And Potatoes... Finally
So much goes into Indian strength training, given the Indians' remarkably holistic approach, that at some point you wonder where the fuck lifting actually fits into their regime.  As I've stated, they actually do a hell of a lot of lifting, clocking in a solid 18 hours over the course of a week.  Strength training is referred to as Vyayam in India, and is intended to simultaneously develop strength, hypertrophy, and flexibility.  Though I've sort of covered this in the introduction, there are twelve rules to vyayam to which strength trainers are supposed to adhere to get the most out of their training (Alter):
  1. One should arise before dawn, defecate, bathe, oil oneself and go to the akhara.
  2. At the akhara tie on a langot and join the company of other like-minded wrestlers who have focused themselves on the task at hand. Be sure that the place for exercise is clearly demarcated, for it is no less important to define a place for exercise and physical training than for spiritual contemplation.
  3. Do not start off by over-exercising. Pace yourself so that you will not be exhausted.
  4. Regulate your exercise regimen by either counting the number of repetitions, or timing the duration of your workout. Only in this way will your body develop at a regular and consistent pace.
  5. Do not fall into the practice of exercising at irregular intervals. Exercise every day at the same time. 
  6. One should breathe deeply and steadily while exercising. Each exercise should be done to the rhythm of a single breath. Needless to say, one should breathe only through the nose.
  7. Beware of sweat. Oil your body before exercising. The oil will fill the pores and prevent rapid cooling.
  8. Focus your mind on each exercise. If your mind wanders you will not develop strength. Consider the laborer who works all day long. He is not as strong as the wrestler for he does not concentrate on his labor but thinks about other things.
  9. Do not sit down after exercising. Walk around to keep warm and loose. If you exercise inside, walk around inside. If you exercise outside, walk around outside.
  10. Get enough rest. Take one day off every week. Be asleep by eight in the evening.
  11. Do not exercise on either a full or empty stomach. Also do not exercise if you have not evacuated your bowels. Do not smoke or chew tobacco.
  12. Drink a glass of juice before exercising, and drink milk or some other tonic after exercising. This will help to focus your mind and relax your body.
A cursory glance at the list reveals that the Indians definitely know more about training than does, say, the Under Armor clad jackass on the preacher bench at your gym.  With a couple of exceptions, everything on this list falls directly in line with the precepts set forth by modern sports science and common sense.  In particular, I found number eight to be of interest, as I think the problem for most trainees is that they simply go through the motions without involving themselves fully in the exercise.  We're all guilty of it from time to time, but true strength comes from focusing yourself completely on the exercise at hand- whether you train like Benny Podda, who used to psych himself up for a heavy lift by doing shit like running through walls and headbutting wall-mounted telephones across the room, then training til he bled out of his nose; you train utilizing a method about which I read in the 1990s wherein you train in total silence, without mirrors, so you have to focus intently on the task at hand and the biofeedback your body provides; or you go Ricky Bruch style, smashing lights out of the ceiling in celebration after a super intense set of leg raises, just being in the moment can have a profound effect on your training.


Pehlwans, having had a thousand years over which to figure out what the fuck is up, do their strength training in the afternoon, seven hours after their morning workout of running and wrestling.  This makes sense, as studies have shown that the best time of day to train for strength and hypertrophy is the evening (Guette and Scheet).  Other scientific studies have shown that morning workouts, particularly between 7AM and 9AM, are best for endurance workouts due to the fact that your body temperature is lower, and that your "body temperature, flexibility, physical strength, and speed all peak" between 3 and 7PM, when your respiration is best and pain tolerance is at its highest (Venton)  Their evening strength training workouts typically take three hours, after which they eat again, then sleep.  This falls perfectly in line with what science has told us is ideal, proving again that the Indians have a pretty good idea how to get strong and jacked. 

The exercises that pehlwans utilize to develop their strength are far more varied than what most people think they'd be- our exposure to Indian strength training methods is generally limited to what Matt Furey has bandied about as "ancient, forgotten training methods"- namely, bodyweight exercises.  though they certainly play a central role, there's more to Indian strength training than that.  With that stated, let's check out what it is these fuckers are doing to pack on mass.


Surya Namaskar.  I covered this exercise in the previous installment, but to refresh your memory, it's the unholy offspring produced when you combine a burpee and a dive-bomber pushup.  Don't let the fact that yoga pussies do these- every epic motherfucker in India's history did these like they were a Thai ladyboy giving out $5 blowjobs when the US Navy pulls into port.  We're talking over a thousand a day if you want to be a hard motherfucker, which would suck worse than... getting a $5 blowjob from a Thai ladyboy (provided you're not in the Navy, as they're alleged to enjoy that sort of thing).


Dand.  The dand is one of the most commonly used exercises in the Indian pantheon.  For those amongst you who've wrestled, you'll recognize the dand as the dive-bomber pushup, or as the thing you had to do in practice when your coach wanted to punish you horribly for something.  In my experience, it was generally for insulting Jimmy Buffett, which happened more often than not, because Jimmy Buffett has porduced more godawful music than any other "musician" this side of Michael bolton.  If Jimmy Buffett were a woman, he'd be Rosanne- fat, ugly as sin, and boasting a voice that makes you wish you were deaf.   For those of you who've never done one of these, we'll refer to Joseph Alter's description for proper performance:
"One starts a dand from a face-down, prone position with feet placed close together and palms flat on the ground directly below the shoulders about half a meter apart. To begin, one cocks the body back by lifting one’s buttocks into the air while straightening both arms and legs (see figure 2). Bending at the elbows, one dives forward so that the chest glides between the palms close to the ground. One then arches up while straightening the arms and thrusting the pelvis down towards the ground. One then recocks the body to the starting position."
These should be done daily, in ridiculous volume, and should be performed non-stop.  Once you've assumed the starting position, you should continue them until you're finished.  Good wrestlers do over 2000 a day, and can do 1500 of them an hour, and the upper body specialists in India do over 5000 a day.  That, my friends, is fucking craziness.

It's a goddamned shame this is what popped up when I googled "bethak".

Bethak.  Bethaks are what we all know as free squats.  They're pretty easy to do, until you start to get into the type of volume for which the Indians are famous- we're talking two to three thousand bethaks a day.  The fewest a pehlwan will do in a day is 500, which should tell you these guys are fucking serious about getting strong fucking legs.  For those of you who read the initial portions of this series, it's not hard to imagine a guy like Monohar Aich getting a huge squat at a ridiculously low bodyweight after spending a couple of years in a British prison busting out thousands of free squats per day.  I don't know that this will inspire me to start doing high rep squats a supplement to my basic routine, but Aich and his Indian buddies are at least making me consider the possibility.  If you're interested in doing these correctly, you rock them like this:
"One starts a bethak from a standing position with feet set at forty-five degree angles and heels about fifteen to twenty centimeters apart. While squatting down one should jump slightly forward onto the balls of one’s feet while lifting the heels clear off the floor. In the process of standing back up, one should jump backwards to the position from which one started. One’s arms should be relaxed. They should sway with the movement of the body in order to maintain balance. One’s eyes should be fixed on a point about four meters forward on the ground, so that one’s head will be stationary and balanced"(Alter).
Lest you think you can get away with just throwing on some Hatebreed and crushing shit, you apparently cannot- shit has to be fully spiritual.  According to the oft-quoted Alter, "The most important feature of dands and bethaks is that they be done rhythmically and at a steady pace. The performance of thousands of these exercises produces a mental state not unlike that of a person who has gone into a trance through the rote recitation of a mantra or prayer. Thus, dands and bethaks transport the wrestler into an altered state of consciousness from which he derives psychic and spiritual purification. Vyayam is very much like meditation in this respect." 


Joris and Gadas.  Joris and gadas are weighted clubs and maces that Indians wrestlers and strength trainers swing to build upper body strength.  These implements are likely the reason Indian wrestlers have been renown for their grip, and the reason most Indian wrestlers you see have such wildly developed upper and lower arms.  The difference between the two is that joris are swung in pairs, while gadas are swung individually.  i was previously under the impression that jori were clubs and gadas were maces, but Joseph Alter, the only authority in the West I've been able to identify, has stated otherwise.
"At the beginning of the exercise, the joris are held in an inverted position. Each jori is swung alternately behind the back in a long arch. At the end of the arch each jori is lifted or flipped back onto the shoulder as the opposite jori begins its pendulum swing. Timing is an important part of this exercise. The balanced weight of one jori must facilitate the movement of the other. Jori swinging exercises the arms, shoulders, chest, thighs, and lower back. Wrestlers tend to swing fairly lightweight joris because they say that the heavier clubs cause the upper body to become rigid.
In contrast to the intricately carved silver and gold symbolic gadas (mace-like clubs) depicted in art and used as wrestling trophies, gadas used for everyday exercise are rather plain. An exercise gada is a heavy, round stone, weighing anywhere from ten to sixty kilograms, affixed to the end of a meter-long bamboo staff (see plate 4). The gada is swung in the same way as a jori except that only one gada is swung at a time. A gada may be swung with either hand or both hands at once."
I'm certainly no authority on how you utilize these implements.  After watching the video I've posted after the break, I attempted to emulate the Sheik and failed miserably, utilizing 15 lb clubs.  If  you want to do it right, "The swing begins with the gada balanced on one shoulder. It is then lifted and shrugged off of the shoulder and swung in a long pendulum arch behind the back until it is flipped and lifted back onto the opposite shoulder. The gada is held erect for a split second before it is swung back in the opposite direction and onto the other shoulder" (Alter).  You count your reps in terms of the number of "hands" you can do, which are the full reps you complete with a given hand.  These aren't done with the volume of dands and bethaks, but rather like you'd do a set of high-weight squats.  In other words, you do relatively low volume and focus on the weight lifted, rather than the reps completed.



Dhakuli.  This is a common practice in every form of wrestling in which I have participated, and I'd imagine it's endemic to all forms of wrestling due to their utility for wrestling- somersaults and flips.  Before you roll your eyes and move on, consider this- those of you who rarely stretch and don't do any kind of sport involving flexibility would not enjoy a somersault at all.  It'd wrench the fuck out of your neck, be a hard, jerky movement, and would possibly make you vomit like you're Linda Blair in the Exorcist.  Somersaults are awesome, however, for stretching out your spine and neck, loosening you up, getting in some weird cardio, and inuring you to motion sickness.  Pehlwanis have a wide variety of these, and they all involve twisting rotations that mimic the rotations they use to break an opponent's grip.


Neck Work. In every masculine culture of which I've ever read, having a big neck is a sign of massive physical strength.  Given the paucity of 18"+ necks one sees in the West these days, we've pretty much abandoned that concept, but less "advanced cultures" still seem to value it- I don't think I've ever seen a pencil-necked Maori, for instance.  To build up their necks, pehlwani utilize two methods- the bridge and the shirshasan (headstand).  They're both exactly what you'd think- a basic wrestler's bridge and your average headstand.  The latter is done for an amusing reason, however- it's to increase the blood flow to one's head, so as to remove impure thoughts.  Frankly, I would think that would just increase my depravity if I got more blood to my brain instead of my cock, but I'm also not Indian.


Nals.  Nals are basically like Western free weights.  They're large, cylindrical stones that are hollowed out and attached to a shaft of stone.  The generally weigh 30 kg., lest you think they're some kind of bullshit baby wieght, and they're designed to lift overhead in a smooth motion, like a porn star sliding a cock down her throat.


Gar Nals.  These are circular stone rings used to increase the difficulty of dands and bethaks.  Most times, the gar nal will hang around a wrestler's neck to add resistance for their exercises.  It's said that only the most hard wrestlers utilize this method, not unlike the guys who utilize weighted vests to make the average workout awesome... not unlike myself.  Thus, these are reserved for the hardest of the hardcore.


After reviewing their methods, there's little one can say to dispute their efficacy.  Though they might not be necessarily as useful as some more modern techniques, the training systems honed by the Indians over the last thousand years are clearly design to bring results.  I don't think I'd encourage anyone to drop modern weightlifting techniques in favor of what the Indians use, but the utilization of some of the techniques, and the adoption of some of their less esoteric techniques and exercises would probably yield benefits far beyond most cookie-cutter weightlifting programs, and would at the very least renew one's interest in training should they find it flagging.  Will it make you into a goddamned sexual Tyrannosaurus?   Likely not, especially given the Indians' hilarious fear of blowing a load (which is a gigantic Santa Claus bag of craziness I omitted for brevity's sake), but it might just be the little push you need to go from shit to suck, or suck to decent.

High five.

Sources:

Alter, Joseph.  The Wrestler's Body: Identity and Ideology in North India.  California Scholarship Online.  12 May 1992.

Guette, M., Gondin, J., Martin, A. (2005). Time-of-day effect on the torque and neuromuscular properties of dominant and non-dominant quadriceps femoris. Chronobiology International, 22 (3): 541-58

McKay, Brett and Kate. 7 Health Benefits of a Cold Shower.  Art of Manliness.  18 Jan 2010.  Web.  4Jan 2013.  http://artofmanliness.com/2010/01/18/the-james-bond-shower-a-shot-of-cold-water-for-health-and-vitality/

Mujumdar, DC (ed.).  Encyclopedia of Indian Physical Culture.  1950.

Scheet, T. (2005). Effect of training time of day on body composition, muscular strength and endurance. National Strength and Conditioning Association Annual Meeting, Las Vegas.

Venton, Danielle.  Do the right things at the right time.  Wired.  Oct 2012.  Print.




28 December 2012

Ask The Asshole- .44 Magnum Edition Part 2


In stark defiance of my otherworldly will, I was laid low over the last couple of weeks with what turned out to be walking pneumonia.  I've been sick precisely three other times in my life with anything that really resembled a serious sickness, so I was frankly unprepared for the eventuality of contracting what to me is a disease reserved solely for the elderly and people with AIDS [note to self: get tested for AIDS].  At the same time, everyone and their brother got a hair up their ass to send me an email, most of which I deleted in a fever-induced haze.  Once I finally got a thermometer, I discovered that over the last four days, my temperature was between 100 and 104, and 104 was CERTAINLY lower than some of the fevers I had earlier in the week, which necessitated throwing out two of my pillows because they smelled like 30 year old veterans of a Turkish bathhouse. All told, I shit my pants more time than I can count, and I coughed so hard for a couple of days  that I reenacted the Exorcist and projectile vomited up anything in my stomach- in store parking lots, public bathrooms, and a few times in my shower. At one point, I thought my girlfriend was a killer robot and kicked her completely out of the bed.  In other words, if you didn't get a reply to your email, it likely was for a good reason.  If any of you are looking for a quick cut, however, I recommend walking pneumonia- it looks like I might be going 165 in January.  Hopefully without the heat rash and coughing, however.

Douchebaggery: A national epidemic.

Q:  Recently, a couple of articles were released linking Crossfit and P90X to steroid use in America's kids.  Do you think that there's any truth to these studies?

A: First, let's address the fact that there are no "studies" associated with these articles- they were the brainchildren, respectively, of dickless halfwit Douglas Quenqua of the NYT and possible Stalinist Alec MacGillis of The New Republic   Frankly, we can lay the lot of this idiocy at the testosterone-bereft feet of Quenqua, as it was all his anti-scientific idea, but because MacGillis is a flaming asshole and appears to be losing his fucking mind, in addition to being a rabid leftist, he should get a bag of flaming dogshit thrown through his dining room window this evening as well, followed by some rocks, the occasional hammer, and their mom's favorite dildo.  The article to which I've referred is linked here, in case any of you want to offend your intellects with the ravings of the NYT's (hopefully) least mentally competent member.  After reading it, I've half a mind to send a box of .44 magnums loaded with a single bullet to the head office of the New York Times so that the lot of them could take themselves out for publishing their in-house Special Ed's blissfully short logical fallacy.

Quenqua, continuing to avoid journalistic responsibility.

In case you avoided reading the article, which likely would have done your blood pressure some good, here's the gist:
  • it cites a study published in Pediatrics as its inspiration, which (unlike either of the aforementioned authors, actually read).  This study, which I've got cited below, doesn't make any actual legitimate claims about the deleterious effects of "muscle building", but instead draws some bizarre and tenuous parallel with anorexia by stating "Broadening existing body image programs to address muscularity as well as thinness would be an appropriate and cost-effective approach.  Although it is appropriate to promote physical activity in youth, which may have desirable benefits in terms of health and body composition, care should be taken to emphasize moderation in behaviors and to focus on skill development, fitness, and general health rather than development of a muscular appearance"(Eisenberg).  This is fucking stupid for a variety of reasons, not the least of which is the fact that it's a statistical certainty that more dogs are proficient in astrophysics than there are pediatricians proficient in sports nutrition and exercise.  Beyond that, the asshole who conducted the study didn't even read their own fucking work, because it clearly shows that the people most likely to train to for more musculature are fatties, skinny kids who are tired of getting their asses beat, and athletes, rather than image-obsessed psychotics.
  • it claims the possible detriments to a high school kid's life could be "long hours in the gym, allowances blown on expensive supplements or even risky experiments with illegal steroids"(Quenqua) and states that "only genetics can confer"(Quenqua) muscular physiques, which I suppose falls in line with hours in the gym and the use of supplements being considered a detrimental waste of time.
  • it provides this fucking gem, from a man who should be stripped of his medical license and dragged behind a moving car over a bed of broken glass and nails, stopping occasionally to wash his wounds with lemon juice and rub gasoline in his eyes:  "'The problem with supplements is they’re not regulated like drugs, so it’s very hard to know what’s in them,' said Dr. Shalender Bhasin, a professor of medicine at Boston University School of Medicine and chief of endocrinology, diabetes and nutrition at Boston Medical Center. Some contain anabolic steroids, and even high-quality protein supplements might be dangerous in large amounts, or if taken to replace meals, he said. 'These things just haven’t been studied very well,' he said."(Quenqua).  In other words, without a tremendous amount of meddling from the government, this man does not trust anyone's word, in spite of the innumerable lawyers champing at the bit to fuck anyone who tries to fuck their customers.  On top of this, our doctor of medicine has managed to ignore 50 years of scientific evidence refuting the concept that high protein diets are deleterious to one's health in addition to the massive amounts of research that has been done into nutritional supplementation.  It's not that supplements "haven't been studied well"- it's that this embarrassment to his profession is spouting off about a subject he has not studied very well. 
If anything, it looks like Ryan could use some steroids.

Stepping up the insanity from this article was one that was even more anti-intellectual and inflammatory, in which Alec MacGillis of the New Republic blamed Paul Ryan and his P90X infatuation with the rise in teen lifting obsessions.  The article seems to have been removed (likely when the author came out of his trip and realized he was going to be sued by everyone and their brother for slandering the holy fuck out of a wide array of rich and wholly innocent people), but you can rest assured it gives you one more reason to hang a beating on a leftist when you see them regurgitating Chomsky at the top of their lungs in Starbucks.
Do the right thing, Quenqua.  Find out what the barrel of a .44 Magnum tastes like.

Hilariously, a recently released Swedish study directly refutes the asinine claims in the above shining gems of journalism, as it stated that "teenaged boys with above-average muscle strength have a better chance of living longer compared to those with lower levels of arm and leg muscle strength or a weaker grip"(Carnahan).  This study, unlike the poorly conducted study cited in the aforementioned article, utilized a sample of one million men, and found that "Even muscular overweight men fared better than thinner men with weaker muscles. It may not be purely physical, either—stronger boys had a lower risk of death from suicide, and were less likely to develop psychiatric issues like schizophrenia or depression"(Carnahan).  Pile that atop our weekly dose of headlines stating "HOLY FUCK, YOUR KID IS FUCKING FAT!", and that should lay this baby to bed.


Q:  Donnie Shankle just quit Glenn Pendlays team! We're never going to medal in Olympic Weightlifting again, are we?

A: Likely not, but that has nothing to do with Donnie Shankle.  Insofar as I know, Shankle was the darling of the weightlifting community  but competes in the most insanely competitive weight class in strength sports and can't hang with the international lifters.  Frankly, none of our lifters can, as thy're constantly chased around by government drug testers and hounded and harassed by our government rather than aided in their efforts.  I'm not sure why Shankle, with all of his rampant Jesusing, is so popular, but I'll be happy to see his Bible-reading fade into obscurity.  That aside, the US government's all but stated they hate strong people and want us all dead, so  medals in Olympic Weightlifting will be forthcoming on the seventh of never, most likely.


Q: All of the strongest men seem to have something in common, thick joints. That is, thick wrists and ankles in particular. What's the Asshole's take on thickening tendons? Can it be done? I assume the answer will be heavy partials like Louis Anderson or Brooks Kubik prescribed in Dinosaur Training.  I welcome the derision, however (not to ride your nuts) but you joints are pretty thick.

A:  I just measured my wrists- 5.25".  If I have thick joints, I pity those with small ones.  I've mentioned this in the past- partials are the most accepted method of strengthening your ligaments and tendons.  Frankly, working with a load over time will strengthen your ligaments and tendons considerably, irrespective of the range of motion utilized.  I've looked for the documentary many times since I saw it without luck, but I recall a documentary from the early 2000s on Discovery or somesuch in which the ligament insertions of Roman and Greek athletes were measured against our own and found to be considerably larger.  Their tendons and ligaments were so thick, in fact, that the conclusion of the sports scientists was that there was no way a modern athlete could outperform them.  This would have been due to the lifetime of heavy labor these athletes endured, and the constant marching and battling in heavy armor they did.  Thus, I'd posit that if you continue training heavily, your ligaments and tendons will necessarily grow to compensate for the load.  Utilizing the example given in the documentary, however, doing some weighted carries might be a useful method to add to your partials- a 50 to 60 lb weighted vest would be a good investment.  I wear one while playing Call of Duty, and it kicks my fucking ass every time.

Failing that, you could always go 12 gauge on the deal.


That's all I have for you guys this week.  I'm down to 182 as of last night, so it looks like I'll be competing at 165, provided I'm among the living, next month.  Whee.