Chaos And Bang Your Earballs #7

Like this picture, this episode was fucking awesome.  In it,

• I issue a public apology to Mark Rippetoe, 
• addressed a hilarious thread on Starting Strength 
• announce that I actually joined Facebook (www.facebook.com/chaosandpain) and have yet to eat a bullet over it, 
• announced my new supplements in development (which you can read about on the FB page as well), 
• discussed Paul's new book and the one on which I'm working, 
• discussed Westside methods for raw lifters, 
• covered a retarded article on squatting,
• and hit a bunch of other minor shit over the course of about 90 minutes.

Check it.  If you want to download it, here's the download.

CORRECTION, SO I DON'T GET SUED:  Ricky Dale Crain is not a diddler.  His unbelievably ugly wife is, though.

Sweet jesus.

In the show I also mentioned a crazy vid of Misha Kolkaev deadlifting 753 for 10, and here's that video.

... and the video of Klokov presses we discussed.  I will blog about this exercise in the near future, because it's the unadulterated balls.

Chaos And Bang Your Earballs #6

... better late than never, and I got a legit mic for the occasion.

Download here.

Stop Bitching And Start Benching 2- Learn From People Better Than You

There are many ways to skin a cat, and the bench press is absolutely no exception.  Given the fact that many of you were shamed into depression with the news that a 130 lb girl out-benches you, I was initially planning to start with her and work our way through some of the greats.  Instead, I'm going to start with Rick Weil, who's got a lengthy but really insightful look at the bench press and methods for fixing failed attempts based on the part of the lift in which you fail.  Before I do, however, I'll mention that I noticed two striking similarities between the approaches of the people I outlined today- one, they don't seem to be overly preoccupied with limiting their volume, and two, many of them have backgrounds in bodybuilding.  I suppose that should come as no surprise, given that bodybuilders often list chest and arms as their favorite bodyparts to lift, but it's worth noting for those of you who eschew either or both.  After you drink in the goodness that's below, perhaps you should consider the possibility that you're not doing enough volume or enough variety for your chest and arms to facilitate an optimal bench press.  I'm sure that news is about as welcome as the teeth of a bath salt smoking homeless fucker's teeth on your cheek, but after reviewing the following programs and checking out their chest and arm development, you will probably agree.

Side note:  I want to stab everyone over the use of any spelling but "flies" when referring to the exercise.

Rick Weil
In a time when an afro and a mustache didn't necessarily mean you raped small children in the bushes behind elementary school, Rick Weil had both, and wore them proudly.  In spite of his incontrovertibly terrible taste in above-the-neck hair, Weil was a badass on the bench.  The records he set in 1983 and 1986 at 165 (485 lbs) and 181 (556) have remained untouched since he set them, and he's within 9 lbs of the world record bench at 198 with his lift at 181.  According to Powerliftinghub, "this is not only the record for the 181's but the biggest triple bodyweight unequipped bench press of all time across any weight division."  In other words, when Rick Weil opens his mouth about the bench press, you should fucking take heed, because he's the Ed Coan of bench pressing and can likely bench more with his semi-erect penis than you can with your entire upper body.

Interestingly, he is not averse to reverse gripping, either.  According to his post on Bodybuilding.com, "[he does] lift reverse grip, but never benched that way in competition. [He] did a lot of exhibitions reverse grip and actually did a 545 reverse in the gym. [He also] would do exhibitions with 505 for 5-6 reps." He was also a big fan of doing heavy negatives to increase your strength on the bench, though he cautioned that you should limit yourself to one or two singles at the end of a workout.(Critical Bench)  Doing so will strengthen your ligaments and tendons, in addition to work with better form on lighter weights, because you'll be accustomed to handling much heavier poundages.

Weil, who appears to be something of an intellectual, broke down the bench press into four distinct parts: the approach, the drive, the push, and the lockout.  Each of these distinct parts of the lift have their own issues, all of which Weil addressed with different assistance movements or techniques.

• "The approach is the part of the lift where you bring the bar down to your chest. This is important because done properly it sets up the rest of the lift for hitting the groove. Remember to stay very tight during the approach, do not relax at your chest. The negatives will help here."
• "When the bench command is given, the drive part of the lift begins. Practice pause benching in the gym because good habits are hard to break as well as bad habits. Also, injury can come from sloppy form, so always train as if a judge is watching. If you are stuck at your chest, perhaps you are forgetting a very strong and important body part at your disposal—your BACK. Remember the bench press is an upper body exercise and your back is part of your upper body. Powerlifters generally have very strong lats, so why not use them? With 135 on the bar, practice using your lats to drive the weight off of your chest. You do this by initiating a lat spread of sorts at the bottom of the lift. Trying is believing. It really works and with practice your lats will drive any weight off of your chest you would normally have been stuck with. Since powerlifters train their backs, only the lifters who strictly bench need to do special back exercises. I recommend doing lat pull downs and cable seated rows for building the muscles necessary for the drive part of the bench press. Those of you with strong backs need only to work the correct form, getting used to driving with the back."
• "The push is that part of the lift between the drive and the lockout. Momentum is obtained from the lats in the drive, and then the front deltoids must take control. Front deltoids will move the weight, so train them as a separate body part. Steep incline presses will isolate the front delt if the bar is kept in close to your face and driven back towards the uprights. Seated dumbbell presses are not only great for the delts, but also one of my favorite exercises. This is performed seated straight up driving the weight with palms forward 3 sets of 5 reps on both of these exercises is plenty. Also only train them once a week. I have trained this way for three years, each body part once a week and made maximum gains on every cycle. This type of training also keeps injury to a minimum."
• "Now we come to one of the most frustrating parts of the bench press, the lockout.  I have seen many lifters miss what appeared to be an easy lift, right at the top. There are two reasons for missing a lift at lockout; fatigue, which can cause bad form, or not enough tricep strength. If your gym does not have a dip bar, tell the owner to get one. Weighted dips are the best exercise for lockout power available. Close grip benching puts too much strain on the wrists and hinders complete tricep movement. Doing weighted dips with heavy weight, however, will not guarantee a powerful lockout. Remember the other reason I stated for missing a lockout? Fatigue. I had pushed 3 sets of 3 reps with 285lbs in the weighted dips in training, yet I was having a lockout problem. After a lot of thought I realized my problem was not strength, but tricep fatigue. My triceps were pumping too fast. To correct this problem I dropped the weight on the bench after doing negatives, down to 405 and did reps until failure. By the time I could perform 10 easy reps, my sticking point was gone. Now, I am not saying you should drop to 405, but 80% of your maximum lift is a good place to start. For example the 400lb bench presser would start with 320 to 325ls and try that for a week or two."(Rick Weil Bench Press Routine)

Quite frankly, I don't know if that's a reprint from Weil's book, and article he one wrote for another publication, or something he did for Critical Bench, but it's informative as hell and a great primer for troubleshooting a piss-poor bench.  For that reason, I started off this post with the mustachioed one.  Now, onto a broad who could likely whip you silly and fuck you stupid.

Outbenches you, even in LA Gear hightops.

Jennifer Thompson
This broad hit 300 raw a couple of months ago in the hyper-critical USAPL, so you know there was a motherfucker out there with a micrometer and someone measuring the weight on the bar to the nanogram.  After she lifted, she was polygraphed, strip-searched, beaten with reeds, polygraphed again, and then piss-tested for everything short of protein content.  I'm sure even after all of that they chased her around screaming "liar!" at her and pelting her with rotten vegetables until her blood tests came back negative.  Those motherfuckers are as unfun as they are men-out-of-time, since they would have been far more at home in early 20t Century Europe, when being a fascist made you cooler than Rob Van Winkle in "Cool As Ice".  In any event, you know Thompson's lift is legit if it happened in a USAPL meet, and she claims to have hit 315 in a less-jackbooted meet at some point.

Thompson's approach is completely unique, from what I've seen.  Instead of alternating speed and heavy days, she's got alternate speed and heavy weeks.  According to Jennifer,  "My heavy week involves static holds and heavy set work. My speed week uses bands and I work on my single max lifts. When I have a long period between competitions I do a 12 week workout that starts with exercises at 10 reps and works it way down to 5 reps. I use this to build up my base strength."(SPL)  Interestingly, the weight isn't as important as the speed of the lift for Thompson, and she will "drop 10 to 15 pounds on that exercise and work on the speed of the lift" if she's not improving from workout to workout.(Ibid)

Her overall split looks like this:
Day 1: Chest
Day 2: Off
Day 3: Back, Biceps, and Calves
Day 4: Off
Day 5: Shoulders and Triceps 
Day 6: Off
Day 7: Legs                                                  
Day 8: Off
*Abs are done as a warm-up on workout days.
(8-12 weeks on, then 1 week off. When restarting she simply lowers the weights and starts over.)(Thompson)

When was the last time you hit double bodyweight on your second attempt?

SPEED WEEK
Chest
Bench Singles (1 rep strict bench singles): 3 singles with 65%, 75%, and 85% of max
Increase one of your singles every lift if you get all 3
Bench (with bands or chains): 3 sets of 5
Set up the bands or chains to add resistance to the top of the lift to increase your speed through the sticking point.
Incline Bench: 2 sets of 5
Decline Bench: 2 sets of 5
Speed Bench Presses: 2 sets of 5
Strict (long paused explosive rep) Flyes: 2 sets of 8
Stabilizer Push-ups (Push-ups on a stabilizer ball or board): 2 sets to failure

Shoulders and Tris
Military Press: 3 sets of 5
Upright Rows: 2 sets of 8
Side Lateral Raises: 2 sets of 8
Dumbbell Shoulder Presses: 2 sets of 8
Offload Bench Presses: 3 sets of 5 (Attach bands above the bar so that weight is taken off the bar at the bottom to help increase your transition into your triceps)
Closegrip Bench: 2 sets of 8
Tricep Extensions: 2 sets of 8
Pushdowns: 2 sets of 8

HEAVY WEEK
Chest
Heavy Hold (Unlocked bench press hold for 15 seconds) Bench: 3 sets of 5
Incline Bench: 2 sets of 5
Decline Bench: 2 sets of 5
Negatives: 2 sets of 2
Dumbbell Stabilizer Presses (Dumbbell presses while lying on a large stabilizer ball): 2 sets of 8

Shoulders and Tris
Heavy Hold (Unlocked military press hold for 15 seconds) Military Press: 2 sets of 5
Upright Rows: 2 sets of 8
Back Lateral Raises: 2 sets of 8
Dumbbell Shoulder Presses: 2 sets of 8
Heavy Lockouts (Bench press last 5-7 inches of lift): 3 sets of 5
JM Presses: 2 sets of 8
Weighted Dips: 2 sets of 8
Single-arm Pushdowns: 2 sets of 8

Ted Arcidi
Certainly not the most svelte motherfucker on this list, Arcidi's been credited with being one of the greatest bench pressers in history.  The records he set in the 275 and 308 weight classes have stood the test of time, and are at this point almost 30 years old.  Sure, Jeremy Hoornstra beat Arcidi's 275 record, but bear in mind that Arcidi hit 650 at 275 and 666 at 308 in full meets, which have been known to be a bit more taxing than a leisurely bench-only meet.  Arcidi's methods will likely look somewhat familiar to anyone who's done a periodized routine, although his rep scheme differs a bit, and one of his bench days per week was a simple 5 rep scheme and his volume would make most internet gurus start checking the blood pressure and cortisol levels of his family and friends for signs of second-hand overtraining.  Additionally, although Arcidi was not a bodybuilder, he did rock abs at over 300 lbs, and went on to work in the WWE and WCWW and was Triple H and Chyna's strength coaches long before DeFranco erroneously got all the credit for Triple H's physique.

12 Week Cycle
Weeks 1-3: 3 x 6
Weeks 4-6: 3 x 5
Weeks 7-9: 3 x 3
Weeks 10-11: combine sets of 3 and two reps
Week 12: meet day; open with a bench that you have done for at least four reps

Monday
Bench Press: 3 x 5/405-420
Behind-the-Neck Press: 3 x 5/260-300
Skull Crushers: 2 x 6/340-350
Standing Barbell Curls: 3 x 6/160-195
Lat Pulldowns: 3-4 x 10/240

Thursday
Bench Press: follow 12-week cycle
Behind-the-Neck Press: 3 x 6/225
Skull Crushers: 2 x 6/340-350
Standing Barbell Curls: 3 x 6/160-195
Lat Pulldowns: 3-4 x 10/240
(Do all heavy bench press sets with maximum poundages. Occasionally, do some forced reps. Rest for 5-6 minutes between bench press sets and 2 to 3 minutes between assistance work sets. Perform the last heavy workout ten days before the scheduled meet. Peak for only one or two competitions a year.)

Saturday
Squats: Your choice of sets and reps
Deadlifts: Your choice of sets and reps
Behind The Neck Press: 2 x 3/335-365

Jeremy Hoornstra
If there was ever a powerlifter who looked to be both good-looking enough and passably friendly to bang your girlfriend backstage while you were lifting at a meet, it's this motherfucker.  Hoornstra broke Mike McDonald's 33 year old raw bench record at 242 with 661 press last month after nipping at its heels for a bit, and looks to have a long career of putting the record at 242 insanely out of everyone's reach ahead of him.  Hoornstra competes in both bodybuilding and powerlifting, and sports arms big enough to make you consider heaving yourself off a fucking cliff.  Don't believe me?  Check out this pic, wherein he makes Sam Byrd look like a guy who did some pushups once.

Amusingly, Hoornstra's bench press routine is EXACTLY what you'd expect a bodybuilder's bench press routine.  This is probably why half of us are getting out-benched by alleged bodybuilders on a regular basis.  Surprisingly, it's not done on International Bench Press Day (Monday), nor is it followed by a bit of biceps, just to get a pump on before the club.  Instead, Hoornstra's split is a two a day schedule that looks like this:



Monday - Back, cardio (night)
Tuesday - Chest, Traps and Forearms (night)
Wednesday - Bi's, cardio (night)
Thursday - Shoulders, calves and abs (night)
Friday - Tri's, cardio (night)
Saturday - Legs


Biceps got their own day!  I bet you fuckers didn't see that one coming.  No stranger to volume, Hoornstra's throwing around a lot of weight for a shitload of reps with a variety of angles when he hits bench day, and rests no more than three minutes between sets.  A typical workout looks something like this, but according to Hoornstra it varies greatly with his mood and enthusiasm:

I wouldn't mind getting my liftoff from motherfucking Captain Kirk.

Flat Bench Press
225 x 15
315 x 10
405 x 10
495 x 8
585 x 3
635 x 2
405 to failure

Incline Bench Press
315 x 10
405 x 8
495 x 5
495 x 5

Incline Dumbbell Fly's
140's to failure for 3 sets (highest dumbbells the gym has)

Flat Cable Fly's
Weight stack for 10 reps, 3 sets

Hammer Strength Chest Press
6 - 45's each side to failure, 2 sets

If you thought that shit ran the gamut, that's because it did.  I just covered four world record holders in the bench, and they had no common denomonator in their programs beyond the inclusion of the bench press.  Telling, right?  If you remain unconvinced that you're going to have to find your own path to Valhalla via the bench press, I've got another post coming up soon detailing the workouts of powerlifting legend Ed Coan, powerlifter-turned-Ms. Olympia-runner-up Bev Francis (holy shit her volume was off the charts), current multiple record holder Scott Mendelson, bodybuilder Eddie Robinson, and general freak of fucking nature Ken Lain.

Go bench, because somewhere a tiny blond haired chick is warming up with your work weight.

Sources:
     Powerliftinghub.  Rick Weil.  http://powerliftinghub.com/Lifters.html
     SPL.  Jennifer Thompson Talks With Seriouspowerlifting.  http://www.seriouspowerlifting.com/2927/womens-interviews/jennifer-thompson-talks-with-seriouspowerlifting
     Rick Weil Bench Press Routine.  http://www.criticalbench.com/bench-press-routine.htm
     Ted Arcidi's Bench Press Routine.  Reprinted from Powerlifting USA.  http://www.angelfire.com/ab/bigmuscle2/arcidi.html 
     Weil, Rick.  Forum Post on Bodybuilding.com. http://forum.bodybuilding.com/showthread.php?t=113787111&page=1
     Tatar, Ben.  132 Pounds of Power: A Critical Bench Exclusive Interview With World Record Holder Jennifer Thompson. Critical Bench.  http://www.criticalbench.com/jenniferthompson.htm
     Tatar, Ben.  Interview with Bench Press Record Holder Jeremy Hoornstra.  Critical Bench.  5/31/12.  http://www.criticalbench.com/Jeremy-Hoornstra.htm
     Thompson, Jennifer.  http://www.132poundsofpower.com/speed_heavy_workout.htm

Stop Bitching And Start Benching

Without question, the most maligned and simultaneously ballyhooed exercise on the planet is the bench press.  I've taken a steaming shit on it over the years for one reason- I fucking suck at it.  I'm fairly certain that is the reason most people trash talk the bench- it sucks to be so bad at the one exercise virtually everyone does.  As such, you simply sidestep the conversation by decrying it as a pointless and useless feat of strength fit for naught but bodybuilders and sundry weightroom dilettantes.  In the end, however, the people who yell most loudly about the uselessness of the bench press are probably the same guys masturbating to it like a pedophile at a McDonald's Playroom.  They're looking at great benchers in the gym with jealousy on a level generally reserved for flat chested gold diggers when they spot a big tittied woman working a guy with an Amex Black.  They hate the fuck out of themselves for sucking at the lift, but not enough to get fucking good at it, so they make excuses not to do so.  It's time, however, for that shit to end- everyone needs to sack the fuck up and admit that if it's good enough for Dmitri Klokov, it's damn sure good enough for them.

You've disappointed Dmitri and his Uncle Hitler.

I suppose a great deal of most peoples' frustration stems from the fact that benching seems to come easy to some and not to others.  I've come to the realization, however, that like everything else in the gym, big weights come to those who break their asses for them.  If you suck at benching, it's your own fucking fault.  I was a disgrace to my lineage at the bench press until what I thought was a shoulder injury (which ended up just being knotting) forced me to change my bench press style.  I worked hard at learning the new form and experimenting with it because I had to, and I've become considerably less of an embarrassment to family and friends at the bench since..

THIS DOES NOT MEAN YOU SHOULD START REVERSE GRIPPING.  This simply means that if you suck on the bench, you need to re-examine every single facet of the lift, including your grip width, your elbow flare, your arch, your foot placement, the bar path, the strike point on your body, the assistance exercises you do, and the number of times per week you train the lift and accessories.  Over the last year, I've played with every possible permutation of my new form and frequency to arrive at what I think works best for me, and it's nothing whatsoever like 1) people would generally suggest, or 2) what I started with.  Thus, this is one more instance wherein you'll stop taking advice from every half-assed guru on the planet and fucking figure it out for yourself.  Know which form is the right form?  The form that gets white-lighted at a meet and allows you to move the most weight.  If it doesn't meet either of those criteria, you're fucking up.  Again.

I'm glad you asked, nameless moron who make idiotic statements in public forums and likely cried themselves to sleep upon hearing of Donna Summers' death!  Allow me to elucidate all of the reasons you should get good at the bench press.

1. Like it or not, the bench press is one of the most basic standards of measure for physical strength in the gym.  It's a universally accepted measure of upper body strength for lay people and lifters alike, and it's consequently utilized everywhere you go, from the grocery store checkout line (I'm constantly asked by customers and employees how much I bench) to the NFL Combine to the gym.  Thus, it doesn't fucking matter what the pencil-necked pussy on a message board thinks about the efficacy of this measure- it's the standard.  Refusing to adhere to the standard would be like trying to pay for your Jamba Juice with back issues of Hustler- no matter how much better a measure of personal wealth you might think they are, you're fucking wrong.
2. The bench press is an event in one of the three most popular strength sports in the Western world.  Sucking at it limits your ability to prove your mettle and compete in competitive sports that don't involve stupid pants played by people who are waiting to die.
3. Sucking at the bench press is generally evidence that you're either a woman or are considering becoming one, as it is again the most accepted measure of upper body strength, and upper body strength is associated with manliness.  If you are a woman, consider this- kicking ass at an upper body lift like the bench makes you pretty much the top of the fucking food chain.  Case in point: 132 lb natural female powerlifter Jennifer Thompson has benched 315 in a non-sanctioned meet, raw.  That sound you're hearing is thousands of guys violently opening kitchen drawers in search of anything sharp with which to slit their wrists.
4. There are plenty of instances wherein you need to have the brutal strength necessary to violently shove objects away from your chest- never mind shit falling on you or holding up the car while someone changes a tire, fellas.  Having a strong chest, shoulders, and triceps means you will fuck better.  If you cannot envision how this is possible, you're either a virgin or retarded.  In either case, just focus on the aforementioned reasons.
5. Arnold had a huge chest, and everyone revers Arnold.  The bench press will give you a better developed chest, just like Arnold.  Arnold benched often and he benched heavy (he hit 540 lbs at one point).  Therefore, bench.

Now that we've got that ridiculousness out of the way, I'll address the fact that there is no universally perfect bench press form, no matter what anyone fucking tells you.  If anyone argues, treat them as you would any noisome blight and cave in their head with a rock or hammer.  To wit, some of the greats' form:

Ted Arcidi- Virtually flat back, wide grip, elbows flared feet away from bench and slightly wide.  Ted was the first person to officially bench 700 lbs

Ryan Kennelly- Hard arch, fairly close grip, elbows in, feet a little tucked.  He benched 1074 shirted and at least 650 raw.

Marvin Eder- Practically a snatch grip, completely flat back, and legs nearly straight.

Jennifer Thompson- Wide grip, elbows flared, hard arch, wide, tucked feet.  She benched 297.5 at 132, fellas.

Rick Weil- Close grip, elbows flared, back totally flat.  He holds world records at 165 and 181 that have stood for over 25 years.

The Barbarian Brothers- Ultra wide reverse grip, hard arch, wide foot placement.  In this video, one of them hits 200kg for 5 bounced reps, and they both had 500+ lb benches for singles.  Before you talk shit, consider the fact that none of you could get within shouting distance of that feat.

This discrepancy extends beyond the setup and execution of the competition bench, as well.  The greatest benchers of all time have wildly different routines, in addition to different execution of the lift itself in training.  Some of the best benchers I know, for instance, train with a touch-and-go method and the occasional massive bounced off their sternum.  This includes two guys I know who bench over 500 and incline in the mid 400s.  Additionally, they do all of their rep work with incomplete ranges, basically doing bottom-half reps throughout.  This does not, however, prevent them from putting up big numbers when they try paused benches.  For myself, I find that like Ken Fantano, I have to practice the paused bench to be good at it.  If I practice touch and go in the gym, my form breaks down and I lose the tightness I need to move big weights. Other guys seem to find that the looser form yields greater strength when they apply it to strict form.

I could go on, but I think at this point it should be fairly apparent to those of you with developed nervous systems that there is no one golden bench press technique, and that anyone who claims to know of one is a fucking liar worthy of a full-on Islamic stoning.  In the next installment, I'll cover the routines of some of the best benchers ever, so you can see how they in no way resemble one another, except for their utilization of the bench press and their total lack of excuses for why they don't do the lift.

Bench press badass (he benched 545 at 242 in competition with 3 broken ribs) Doug Young says, 

"Stop making excuses and go bench, pussy.  Just know you'll never have chest hair like this."

Chaos And Bang Your Earballs #5

There were titties discussed at great length, a decent amount of training, and Phil from Ironradio sat in, high as shit on Percs.  When I say high, I'm talking At one point, he says he wants to fuck Attila the Hun.  This is good shit.

The pics we discussed are this:

and this. 

You are welcome.

Mediafire for the nonstreamers.
Incidentally, this took forever to compress at a lower bitrate and those of you who requested I do so should throw yourselves down a flight of steps onto a pile of broken glass.

Just because I love you guys.

Accessories To Murder 3-The Deadliest Moves

In the previous installments, I covered deadlifting in general and some of the greats' routines, all of which differed greatly except for two factors-consistency and volume.  They all did a hell of a lot of pulling, and they did it regularly.  You'll likely find, over time, that those two factors are evident in the lifestyles of any elite lifter, as they're really the only necessary factors for overall success in anything.  I certainly don't put myself in the pantheon of lifters like Coan and Kuc, etc, but I'm not a bad deadlifter either.  Of late, I've done no deadlifting because my focus has been on the squat, so I've had to come up with assistance exercises that will provide me with the necessary base of strength from which I can draw when I do finally step onto the platform to deadlift.  As such, so it would stand to reason that my assistance exercises are the tits, sincethey seem to be working pretty well.

Before I jump into my favorite routines and assistance lifts, however, I'll mention that I agree with Louie Simmons on at least one thing- "deadlift" as much as you can every week.  That's not to say you're actually going to deadlift, but you would be doing something to help your deadlift nearly every day.  Chuck Vogelpohl was famous for hitting the gym 10-14 times per week, hitting abs every time and lats five times a week.(Simmons)  He did this to build a base for deadlifting, and to keep his body conditioned to the incredible stress deadlifting puts on your body.  Though I had no knowledge of his routine previously, he and I are pretty much two tits in a bikini top on this issue, since I do something similar.  I do a combination of weighted and unweighted ab work at least 4x per week, upper back work in my morning workouts in the form of face pulls, pullups, high cable rows, or behind the neck pulldowns with a narrow grip, and hit back very heavily at least twice per week with one of the exercises listed below.

This is somehow relevant.

My Deadliest Deadlift Routines
Over the last 20 or so years, I've tried more permutations of programming than any neophyte could possibly imagine.  Given that the deadlift was my pet exercise for the better part of those 20 years, I've more or less acted like Pepe LePiew with the deadlift, and have come up with more rape and stalking strategies (for the deadlift) than he did for cartoon broads.  That is to say, a fucking lot of them.  My favorite deadlift workout, though, would have to be one of the following two.  The first was one i used religiously getting to a 500+ deadlift about ten years ago at a bodyweight of around 160, and the latter is one up with which I came in 2009 out of a combination of masochism and boredom.

To The Death (Deadlift Program 1)- assuming a 500 lb max
1x5x135
1x5x225
1x5x315
1x5x405
6-8 x 3-1 x 435-455 (I started with 435 for three and then added weight depending on whether or not I got the reps.  Once I got to 455 I went until it got nearly impossible to finish a rep, which was around the 6th set.)
Max reps x 315 (My record was somewhere around 20, at which point I usually greyed out and slumped to the floor.)

Rest When You're Dead (Deadlift Program 2)- assuming a ~600lb max
1x1x135
1x1x225
1x1x315
1x1x405
Max x 1 x 515 in 30 minutes.  On this one, I just deadlifted for exactly a half hour, pulling 85-90% of my 1RM as many times as I could.  Occasionally I'd do doubles, and every now and again a triple.  By the end, I think my record was 32 reps in 30 minutes, and I was cashed.  Shortly thereafter I pulled 615 in an unsanctioned meet, which was a huge PR for me.

The Deadliest Assistance Movements
The following are my favorite accessory movements for the deadlift.  I'm not going to get into the biomechanics of each, as doing so is generally the purview of people who fail to realize that the biomechanics are going to range from subtly to wildly different for each lifter based on their leverages, relative muscular strengths, and individual technique variations.  You'll also note that the very same people who will babble on about the biomechanics of lifts are generally shitty lifters hiding behind textbooks.  They're little more capable in terms of educating someone on the proper methods for completing an elite level lift than is a man who's read a shitload of carpentry books but barely touched a hammer would be if he were to educate you on the whys and wherefores of mansion construction.

What I do when selecting an accessory exercise is examine movements that resemble my main lift in whole or part and then incorporate that movement to shore up weak points and strengthen my overall support structure.  This means I'm using my brain to determine for myself which exercise is best, rather than nitpicking pointless minutia and dithering over physiological and neurological responses to various loading protocols in sundry in angles to facilitate the greatest hypertrophy, or whatever it is people do rather than actually lift weights.  Additionally, I will modify my form and range of motion on those assistance exercises to further compound the benefit derived therefrom, after, of course, a period of experimentation.  The following are exercises I've found that help my deadlift of late.  It is in no way a comprehensive list, nor any sort of a bible you should follow religiously, but it might give you some ideas.

Deadlifting doesn't always make you into a hideous, retarded-looking non-human.

In Order of Awesome...
Shrugs/ Rack Pulls.  Anyone who's seen me in person will tell you that the first thing they notice, aside from my astonishingly smashed nose and scarred face, are my traps.  The mountains on either side of my ears have risen to their current state of awesome by the rigorous and religious application of shrugs.  I could not love a human baby as much as I love shrugs.  As such, I've embarked upon a neck holocaust the likes of which the world will never see again.  I do these as a combination rack pull from knee height and shrug to get in extra pulling work, and I use my exact deadlift stance and grip width.  I always use straps on these, however, and pull double overhand.  Before you scream "That's bullshit!", simmer the fuck down and consider the following:

• I have tiny little rat claws for hands
• I have no interest in joining Diesel Crew
• I use Spud straps, which effectively make this a fat bar pull
• Powerlifting doesn't have a fucking grip event
• I've never failed a pull because of my grip

Any time you see someone decrying the use of straps on a heavy pull, it's jealousy motivating his comments. Make no fucking mistake about that.  Thus, make like a hot broad in some sissy porn and strap it the fuck on.
Recommended rep range: 2-10.  Singles are more for fun than anything else on traps, and anything over 10 is cardio.

Ladies is pimps, too.

Bent Row.  I've done a wide array of bent over rows over the years, and recently have started doing what some would call a Pendlay row and what others will nitpick to death.  I could care less what you fuckers call it, but this is the form I've found to be most beneficial for the deadlift.  If you're not interested in watching the video, the lift begins and ends on the floor.  I take exactly the stance and grip width I'll use on deadlifts, then pull the bar like I'm trying to rip it through my solar plexus into my spine and then essentially drop it to the floor.  In doing so, I use as little upper body motion as possible with the maximum weight possible.  The key here is that violence plus heavy weight equals awesome.  I've found this has helped my pull from the floor tremendously, and I regard pretty much any weight on the deadlift under 600 with utter contempt since I've begun doing these on a regular basis.  Bent rows are to Olympic lifters and powerlifters what Coco Austin is to both black and white men- beloved by all.  They're also one of the mainstays of the much ballyhooed Coan/Phillippi program, if you need more convincing.
Recommended rep range: 1-5.  I generally stick with triples, but there's something to be said for the occasional single.

Zercher Squats.  Interestingly, this is one of Louie Simmons' pet lifts, and he's even built a harness with which to do these so his lifters with bicep tears can rock out with their cocks out (or if they're chicks, their baby cocks).  These definitely build upper back strength, in addition to beating on your abs they're trash cans in "Stomp".  I do these out of the rack or off the pins, depending on my mood, and have taken to calling partial Zerchers off the pins "Tombstones"... I guess due to the fact that they make me feel like I've going to fucking die, and because it mimics the action of ripping a tombstone out of the ground with your bare hands.
Recommended rep range: 1-4.  I despise doing these for reps, mostly due to the fact that it's hard to breathe.  By the end of a repalicious set, they're about as anaerobic as can be, because I'm definitely ready to pass the fuck out.

Stiff-Leg High Pull.  I love these and do them every so often, although I think I started doing them based on a misunderstanding of an exercise description in an article I can no longer find.  In any event, these definitely seem to transfer into a shitload of explosiveness off the floor, and they didn't hurt my knee when my patello-femoral tendonitis was acting like a bastard.  As such, I hammered the fuck out of these for a while, to seemingly good effect.  Like the aforementioned exercises, I used the same stance and grip width as my deadlift, then with more legs more or less straight pulled the bar as violently as I could, as high as I could.  My goal here was to increase my break speed off the ground, in addition to strengthen my upper back to compensate for the end of my deadlift, when my shoulders round and my legs are nearly locked out.
Recommended rep range: 1-3.

Does this defy virtually everything you've ever read about deadlifting?  Probably.  Are fucks given?  Definitely not.  As I stated above, most of the articles you read about training are written by know-nothings who lift nothing.  The preceding is what's worked for me, so it might work for you as well.  With luck, you'll use your deductive reasoning and critical thinking skills to synthesize all of the information in this series of posts and come up with something unique that works for you.

You're not a fucking gingerbread man, so stop using cookie-cutter routines, fuckface.


Sources:
Simmons, Louie.  Westside Deadlift Training.  Elite FTS.  http://www.elitefts.com/documents/westside-deadlift-training.htm

Tired Of My Music Recommendations? Tough Shit.

If you guys hadn't noticed, I've been breaking my ass coming up with content of late, and I'm taking the weekend off.  As such, I'm giving you new content that isn't terribly time consuming.  Additionally, I get dozens of emails asking for more recommendations.  As such, those of you who don't like that shit can suck my fucking dick.  The bands are the tits.

Recognize- Revenge. Recognize brings together the best of a couple of genres- toughguy hardcore, deathcore, and old-school two-step Hatebreed style moshbros-core.  They're in a weird hiatus status waiting for people to give them money to restart as a band or somesuch nonsense, and quite frankly, they're a worthy charity.  This shit is the truth- it's a bunch of pissed-off, face tatted, apparent Satanists playing misogynistic moshcore.  Witness:

That clothing company's about to do bumper business with me, too.

Download.

Recon- Hell.  For those amongst you who are long in the tooth like myself and 1990s hardcore kids, you'll likely remember the straightedge hardcore badasses One King Down and their epic dancefloor destroying song "Bloodlust Revenge".  Their original vocalist was Rob Fusco, who's returned to hardcore to break shit and melt faces in Recon.  Recon had a couple of horribly recorded previous releases that would have been great save the shit-poor leveling, but on this one they added a badass vocalist who actually competes in powerlifting and managed to figure out ProTools on this one.  The result was a cd dripping with breakdowns, digital bass booms, and harder than Clint Eastwood lyrics.  If you like Recon but prefer more Hatebreed-esque vox, check out Recon's Hell disc.

This.

Structures- Divided By.  When I write, I generally listen to mathcore, which will likely surprise a lot of you.  The lack of groove in mathcore suits my writing style, as I write in short bursts as a general rule.  In any event, I recently happened across this band, and discovered that not only are they awesome for writing, but they bring the mosh enough to suit my needs when training as well.  If you're not a fan of the aforementioned bands, you might want to give this a try.  If you're not a fan of the aforementioned tits, you're not human.

World Of Pain- World Of Pain.  Combine the styles of Recognize and Recon, make the lyrics even tougher, and add in one of the singers from Billy Club Sandwich on one of the songs.  This is the best shit I've heard since Shattered Realm's first LP.  Epic fucking breakdown at 1:45.  I've been playing this in constant rotation since I first bought it, and if you've any sense at all, you will too.  Adds at least 100 testosterone points per song.

I can't stop posting pics of Alice Goodwin.  Bear with me.

Your Own Destroyer.  I have to admit that I have a terrible weakness for rapcore, and this band is by far and away the most ridiculous entry into that genre.  They combine elements of deathcore, OLC-style wiggerishness, and rap in ways that are awesome beyond any reasonable expectation.  Most of you will probably hate the shit out of this band, but fuck you- this shit is fucking amazing, in spite of the fact that their singer may be wearing an insulin pump. He's fat as shit.

Stout- Sleep Bitch.  I saved the worst recorded and most hilarious for last.  Stout's an anachronism the likes of which I've not seen before.  They're basically a throwback to Bulldoze and Boxcutter, half shouting and half rapping.  Their lyrics are fucking incredible:

Sleep.Count bodies not sheep. 

Go to sleep little creeps. 

Nighty night bye-bye. 

It's a thin line don't deviate, 

you're dancing with the devil and you're playing with fate, 

you don't know me, 

not the me that was the me that is I'm the noxious gas that will kill your kids, 

lay them on their backs, 

turn their souls to black, 

in the small of my back the Pachmayr's packed, 

to help you with those Z's 45 ACP. 

The Sandman cometh it's time for sleep. 

Sleep bitch, sleep bitch, sleep. 

You can't make this shit up.  Download it here and try not to kill yourself laughing.

Next week, I'll finish up the deadlifting series and try to bust out something content laden.  

Because why not.