Few things in life have bothered me more than the propensity for Hollywood to allow the fucking mealy-mouthed weeny to win. Every. Single. Time. Darth Vader got his shit handed to him by a tiny, sister-fucking douche with big hair, Ivan Drago and Clubber Lang both got their asses whipped by a mentally challenged man half their size, fucking Frank Dux beat the master of Asian disaster and reigning world champion of pectoral overdevelopment Chong Li... the list is fucking endless. Well, my friends, I've got good news- according to scientists, that shit's not happening in real life.
For those of you who missed the original installment of this series, it pretty much stemmed from the fact that I get called an asshole. A lot. So much, in fact, that I found it necessary to repost an email I got with an expanded reply detailing the ways in which I'm a half-assed Satanist, hate pretty much everybody, and generally rule. His missive was written in response to my excellent critique of the Alpha Male Challenge, and was for the most part fucking ridiculous... especially because I'm right.Science is a wonderful thing, especially when it confirms everything I've ever thought about the world. In this particular case, it seems that science has been co-opted by a bunch of my fellow sociopaths, as they've shown fairly definitively that "evil" is a synonym for "awesome" and that the suburban white picket fence fantasy's going to leave you a miserable cuckold in a beige house with an empty wallet, a minivan, and a pack of screaming kids. On the other hand, "evil" people like myself are going to be busy banging everything in sight, dripping with testosterone, lifting obscene amounts of weight, and generally making life our punk bitch.
To whom, then, are we referring? We're referring to those parties dressed in black who enter a room looking like they're going to smash something, making children cry at every opportunity, and generally think they're the shit. I'm not talking Chuck Manson stabs you in the fucking spine evil, as that sort of evil presents a wide array of social problems and generally comes with enough autism and sociopathy to fill a small soccer stadium in Honduras. That shit doesn't work. The bad boy/edgy slut, however, kick all sorts of ass. The types of people who are "clearly disagreeable, very extroverted and like trying new things - killing people, new women"... these are the people who live the best lives.(Yerman)
According to science:
The way they dress fucking rules. The bad boys and girls in the movies almost never wear anything but dark clothing, and there's a good reason for it. Whether it's Jaime Pressly in Torque or Darth Maul, you know when they enter the room that someone's getting fucked, and someone's getting fucked up. This is because the color black makes us more aggressive, and may raise testosterone levels. People who wear black find that their personality changes, making them far more aggressive, violent, and audacious... which basically means that they're a hell of a lot more awesome.(Smith 513) I tend to wear a hell of a lot of black in the gym, and apparently it's for damn good reason.
I would punch my mom in the mouth for some semi-consensual sex with this broad.
They get laid a hell of a lot more than the average bear. Scientists have found that people who score highest in narcissism, machiavellianism, and psychopathy have a MUCH higher bodycount. They fuck more often, and fuck many more people.(Yerman) This is due to a couple of factors, it appears, including:
- they smell better. Women find the pheremones of dominant/authoritative/badass men to be far more sexually appealing than that of douchebag fratboys, fatbodies, or skinny nerds. According to one article, women pick up on the scent of guys with high testosterone levels and instantly get wet for them, due to the fact that they perceive those guys as more virile (rightly so). (Montaner)
- they're unmarried. Married men have test levels like pubescent girls, and the more time they spend with their wife and kids, the worse it gets.(Gray 2004) This is compounded by the fact that married people sleep far worse than do single people (who get their own bed), which raises their cortisol levels and correspondingly decreases their test levels further.(New Scientist) This, in turn, makes them smell less good to their spouse, which gets them laid less, and the cycle continues until they're driving a powder blue minivan and helping their wife decorate the stage for their daughter's ballet recital.
- they don't have kids. The above-cited Gray also dropped this happy little nugget on us childless assholes- testosterone levels in married men with kids were lower than married guys with kids and, of course, unmarried men. Don't believe me? Suck on this: "Among married men without children, higher scores on a “spousal investment” measure and more hours spent with a man's wife on his last day off work were both associated with lower T levels. We suggest that lower T levels during the day among fathers may facilitate paternal care in humans by decreasing the likelihood that a father will engage in competitive and/or mating behavior." (Gray 2002) How much does that suck? Not only does marriage automatically mean your sex life's on its last legs, but even your body betrays a man to the point where he may well not even be able to get it up if he manages to pry apart the rusty spring trap his wife's legs have become. This is why Cougarlife.com exists, I suppose. Thanks, married guys!
Janine Lindemulder- cougar and a slut. Jackpot.
- they're probably sluts. Unpartnered heterosexual men and (interestingly) non-heterosexual women have higher testosterone levels when not in a relationship. This may be, however, due to the fact that people with lower testosterone levels generally place themselves in relationships in the first place, however.(Van Anders and Watson)
- they have high testosterone levels. High testosterone levels have been linked to increased sexual activity, infidelity and marital conflict. Fellas, this means that your body count's going to be impressive, but your bank account is going to get FUCKED. Pre-nup, anyone? My recommendation's actually open relationships- that way, everyone get's laid, there's no sneaking, and there's a very high likelihood of group sex. [If you don't like group sex, you've really got no reason to read this blog] (Thaindian News)
Gray PB, Kahlenberg SM, Barrett ES, Lipson SF, Ellison PT. 2002. Marriage and fatherhood are associated with lower testosterone in males. Evolution & Human Behavior 23, 3, 193-201.
Gray, P. B., Campbell, B. C., Marlowe, F. W., Lipson, S. F. & Ellison, P. T. 2004 Social
variables predict between-subject but not day-to-day variation in the testosterone of US
men. Psychoneuroendocrinology 29, 1153-1162.
Montaner, Jorgi. Violence makes us animals, but compassion does as well. Global Talent. 5/20/2010. http://www.en.globaltalentnews.com/current_news/reports/3866/Violence-makes-us-animals-but-compassion-does-as-well.html
New Scientist. Lack of sleep sap's men's brain power. 7/22/06. http://www.newscientist.com/article/mg19125615.000-lack-of-sleep-saps-mens-brain-power.html
Smith, Elliot R. and Diane M. Mackie. Social Psychology. London: Psychology Press, 2000.
Thaindian News. 8/28/2009. http://www.thaindian.com/newsportal/health/men-with-high-testosterone-levels-more-likely-to-have-multiple-wives_100239253.html
Van Anders SM, Watson NV. 2006. Relationship status and testosterone in North American heterosexual and non-heterosexual men and women: Cross-sectional and longitudinal data. Psychoneuroendocrinology 31, 6, 715-723.
Yerman, J. Bad Boys Finish First, Study Shows. Now Public. 6/21/08.