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15 February 2014

Movies, Music, And Books That Definitely Will Not Get You Laid On Valentine's Day (A Day Late)

It's that time again!  If you guys haven't yet caught on, I don't necessarily mention the best of the best in these blogs (although it often ends up being that way), but rather try to turn your attention to stuff that might have flown under your radar and of which it's possible you'd never know if I didn't bring it up.  Think of these posts as the anti-Top 40 list for your everyday misanthrope,sociopath, or anti-hero.  Given that my social circle shrinks by the day and I've been through just about every book and movie on which I can lay hands, I figure it's high time I give you guys a head's up on that tripe you should ignore only if you've no interest in clinging desperately to the last vestiges of goodwill towards man you might harbor.


What?  She's probably someone's girlfriend.

Movies Your Girlfriend Will Probably Hate More Than Republicans Hate Justin Bieber
Frankly, I can't come up with a reason to like Justin Bieber- the kid's white trash and acts like white trash that hit the lottery.  The little bitch will be dead of an overdose in a year or two, so everyone keep your fucking panties on and wait it out.   I don't think I've ever heard one of his songs, but I assume saccharine ballads written by some soulless, faceless corporate drone and sung in a falsetto that'd make the dad from Growing Pains' kid sound like his testicles had descended.  In any event, what follows are the Larry Correia to film's Dean Koontz.



Ninja 2
If you're not a fan of Scott Adkins, it's likely you also hate pizza, steak, metal, Bruce Lee, and blowjobs.  Scott Adkins detractors are all certainly vegetarians, drive Priuses, and wear scarves in the summer- their existence is proof that there is no higher power, that humanity is doomed, and that masculinity is in fact dead and buried.  If you're unaware of the dude's existence, he was Jean Claude Van Damme's jacked, badass henchman in Expendables 2, post-surgery Deadpool in X-Men:Origins, and the ultimate successor to Ivan Drago in the Undisputed films.


Ivan who?

Lest you worry, you needn't see Ninja 1 to be up to speed in Ninja 2.  The first Ninja, while ok, wasn't great, and was totally overshadowed by Ninja Assassin, which as I recall was released the same year.  In any event, Ninja 2 follows the (hilariously and stereotypically white) ninjitsu practitioner Casey Bowman as he basically kills everyone in Southeast Asia to avenge the death of his pregnant wife/girlfriend.  If you're watching martial arts films for the romantic subplot, you probably aren't going to be a fan of the blog, so let's not pretend we give a fuck what she is.  Just pop some popcorn, slather that shit with deliciously anabolic butter, suspend your disbelief over the persistence of the myth of ninjas, and watch Scott Adkins fuck people up good and proper like.  This is not your typical ninja film- one scene has Adkins drunkenly depopulate a small town in Thailand after someone spills a beer on Adkins and talks a bit of shit.  Ninja 2 is basically what would happen if Michael Dudikoff had actually known martial arts, spent a hell of a lot of time lifting and eating nothing but steak, and then was given a plotline that literally consisted of:
EVERYBODY DIES (Dialogue optional).


 



Bounty Killer
Of late, it seems I gamble and lose invariably on books and movies.  Then I double down on something that looks too insane to suck (I'm looking at you, Matthew Hughes and your goddamned Hell and Back series... nevermind Andy Remic, who's reason alone to black glass the British Isles for his ability to craft amazingly enticing plots and then writing the most dogshit novels of all time) and want to fucking shoot myself for blowing my hard-earned and scanty cash on books that make me prefer blindness to finishing them.  The same has gone for movies, from the nearly unspeakably bad (though I finished the thing out of stubbornness and overhangedness) Uwe Boll zombie atrocity Zombie Massacre to the Japanese schoolgirl filled zombie tragedy Zombie Ass: Toilet of the Dead to the almost-awesome-if-for-no-other-reason-than-the-film's-slut-is-too-hot-Jade-Regier Danno Trejo-filled Zombie Hunter.



With that pile of Philip Seymore Hoffman-sized sadness in my recent history, you might be inclined to disregard by next recommendation, but I will caution you that doing so will cause you to pass up on the low budget post-apocalyptic triumph that Six String Samurai was supposed to have been.  Bounty Killer follows two bountry hunters famed for their skills battling to fulfill the same contract in a post-apocalyptic world so iron-fistedly controlled by corporations that all white collar crimes are capital crimes, the execution of which is carried out by celebrity "bounty killers." Want reasons you should see this?
  1. Mega cunty, head explodingly hot former Terminator Kristanna Loken.
  2. National Lampoon's husky-voiced tittymonster Beverly D'Angelo (who I'd still slap my mom to fuck).
  3. GARY MOTHERFUCKING BUSEY.
  4. Christian Pitre, who is so hot you cannot actually look directly at her, or you'll be reduced to ash.
  5. Libertarian cannibal biker gangs.
  6. GORE.  LOTS AND LOTS OF GORE.


Seriously, you're doing yourself a disservice by passing on this gem.  If nothing else, you'll be able to say to your friends "yeah, that shit was tight, ten years ago" when they finally discover it in 2020.  Come for the bragging rights and stay for the hot chicks in thigh highs beating the brakes off white collar criminals and decapitating their henchmen.



It should come as no surprise that I love anthology films nearly as much as I love short story anthology novels.  The V/H/S series is, along with Movie 43, without question the best of the lot, and the V/H/S films have far more rewatchability than any horror films I've seen outside of the Devil's Rejects.  All of the short films in both of the V/H/S movies are great, but my opinion of the best of the lot might be colored by my love of The Raid: Redemption, as I think Gareth Evans' film is ridiculously cool.  If you've got two hours to spare, check this film out.  It is certainly one of the best two hour spans you'll have staring at the moving picture box.





For those of you who don't have a degree in East Asian Studies, you might not know much about Taiwan.  Frankly, I have a degree in EAS and only happened to know that Taiwan was a staging point for invasions of China, a base for piracy the likes of which would make the Caribbean look like the most law abiding place outside of a Singaporean police station parking lot.  What I did not know is that Taiwan was filled with bloodthirsty, awesome headhunters who look for all the world like Iroquois and speak a bizarre Austronesian language no one should ever have to bother learning.

Who cares, right?  Well, this movie gives you a reason to care.  It follows the youths of the Seediq tribe as the evil Japanese take over the island of Formosa during WW2 and "civilize" the natives.  Basically, the degenerate capitalist imperialist dogs subvert and pervert an honorable native culture to the point where the natives finally revolt in amazing, bloody fashion.  More heads are lopped off in this film than were actually removed in the French Revolution, and in awesome, manly fashion.  If this movie doesn't make you want to stab a sorority girl and burn down your local mall, nothing will.  Plus, John Woo directed it, so you know that doves will fly through arterial sprays and you can wax poetic about the artistic nature of the cinematography while simultaneously tucking your murder boner into your waistband.





Music That Raises Pulses As Much As Test And Will Get You Ejected From The Gym Because Insanity

Warhound- Freedom
Warhound was intitially a band I ally wanted to like, but just couldn't.  to me, they were a combination of all of the best parts of Bulldoze and Merauder combined with the most dogshit, sing-songy, half assed, bloody vomit-inducing choruses of hardcore's greatest mistake, Fury of Five.  Warhound's first LP was like having a lunch date with Meghan Fox- you really want to enjoy it, because she's stunning and you'll likely never sit that close to a woman that hot again, but every time she opens her mouth you want to grab the back of her head and smash her face into the table until she stops moving, then drown her in her martini for good measure.

Luckily, Warhound seems to have come to the same conclusion, because their most recent stuff is fucking insane.   Chuggy, downtuned riffs, endless breakdowns, and all overlaid with the the most insanely angry, gut-wrenching vocals.  Their vocalists are not men who are simply trying to sound pissed- the tone of the vocals in Warhound conveys what can only be thinly restrained violence.  Like World of Pain, Warhound's lyrics trip back and forth between typical toughguy fare and surprisingly intelligent politically-themed stuff, which makes you feel a little better about gleefully screaming along with the shit in the gym.  Let me just clue you in- if you have your hood up and start screaming along with Next Level Demonstration in a commercial gym, you will definitely be asked to leave after several terrified chicks scramble to the front and report that the gym has a dangerous psychotic in its midst.For fans of: MS13, cutting off people's heads, hate, buxom Satanic Latinas, World of Pain, old Warriors, and beatdown hardcore in general.



Attila- About That Life
Those of you, and you are legion, who take yourselves far too seriously will scoff at my inclusion of what is doubtless the most ignorant nonsense deathcore this side of Brokencyde.  I'll agree- Attila's early shit was fucking retarded, but it was fun and retarded.  Unlike most party bands, who invariably become victims of their own success and get progressively lamer until they're totally unlistenable, Attila's actually gotten both more skilled and more ignorant, culminating their their fifth album "About That Life, which is an album you will love to hate in public and rock incessantly when no one's around.  Slam wigger deathcore about fucking chicks (live ones, even), blowing lines, banging back shots, and driving cool cars- this shit is everything Lil John would be if he had a modicum of musical talent.  If you don't like this shit, I am certain I don't like you, and I can guarantee that partying with you would probably consist of wine, cheese, sweater vests, and eventual suicide.



... and if that wasn't ignorant enough, how about a song about beating someone down with a brick and then setting them on fire, in a lyric video filled with titties and strippers?  Seriously, if you don't love this shit, you're dead inside.  For fans of:  getting hammered and breaking shit, Dr. Acula, Carnifex, Andrew WK, Suicide Silence, and playing metal at parties with porn showing on the big screen in the background. 

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Vow of Hatred / Steel City Firm- Urban Decay
I've mentioned Vow of Hatred before, and this split just brings to brighter light how fucking brutal both of these Pittsburgh beatdown bands are.  Nonstop breakdowns, tough guy lyrics, and brutality prevail.  Awesome incarnate, for fans of: old Hatebreed, old Throwdown, Bulldoze, and kicking homeless people in the face.





.45 Stainless- OGBD
Finland is one of the richest nations on Earth, in which everyone is literate, drunk, and awesome deadlifters, but still rocks one of the highest suicide rates in history.  Why is a matter of debate, but at least one group of Finns is channeling their hate outward- .45 Stainless.  Beatdown the way it's intended to be- mean, ignorant, and filled to the brim with breakdowns.  For fans of: utter brutality and beating the shit out of everyone.




Books Your Mind Requires
Unfortunately, the books I'm going to recommend are a little light, because most of what I've read of late was rubbish- Lucifer's Lottery by Edward Lee could not hold my attention, Sam Pink's Rontel ended up in the trash when I realized there was quite literally no point to its existence, Evolution RX was only useful for someone with no background in paleo (though in retrospect it's actually a decent book on evolutionary medicine and diet), Charles Stross's Rule 34 dragged (though I really only bought it for its cover art anyway)



Strykers
Strykers is an almost impossible blend of my favorite things- dystopic, post-apocalyptic, pulpy, and violent.  Set in a world ravaged by nuclear war and controlled entirely by a few corporations, the Strykers are psionics who utilize their mutant superpowers to enforce the law and cavaid liquidation.  Opposing them are the Warhounds, psyonics in the employ of the most powerful cabal of private corporations.  Caught in the middle are a group of revolutionaries led by the son of the most powerful man in the world, disavowed Strykers, and unregistered humans attempting to overthrow the existing order to save the entire human race.  Yeah, it's fucking awesome.  Read it.  



We Live Inside You
I have recommended this author's stuff before, in his badass Angeldust Apocalypse.  This might be better, though it's hard to gauge an author's awesome short stories against another awesome set of short stories.  This book resonated with me due to a story about straightedge kids who turned to lifting to prove that they were in fact superior to their peer, then engage in a Project Mayhem of violence to assert their dominance.  The entirety of this book is stellar, and I cannot imagine a person not enjoying at least some of these stories.  To say that it's worth the $15 would be an understatement.

Coming up, another Faddism article, an interview with Trevor Kashey, and an addition to the Keto Condiments series.  Bringing it old school flavor!

7 comments :

  1. Good call on .45 Stainless, Jamie. A Russian band called Calmed By the Tides of Rain is worth checking out, if you haven't already. Heavy as Satan's jock strap. Fucking deathcore...

    By the way- I've re-discovered my Shattered Realm CDs. Ye gods... It's time to start fucking lifting again.

    Also- I found this book for a buck at the library. Have you ever heard of it?
    http://www.amazon.com/Muscle-Confessions-Samuel-Wilson-Fussell/dp/0671701959/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1392563856&sr=1-1&keywords=muscle

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    1. I've had that book in my amazon wish list for a while, but haven't read it yet.

      You need to get back aboard the First Blood- Killafornia train as well. Met Joe from FB last weekend, and he's cool as fuck, and a powerlifter.

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    2. You've inspired me yet again, Jamie. I need to dig that bastard out, along with "Silence Is Betrayal", and my old Merauder and Neglect CDs. Very cool that you met Joe. I met James from Harm's Way a while back. Swole up dude, and pretty cool too, despite being sXe.

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  2. For some time now you've talked about nobody liking you and the last couple times you mentioned India you didn't say how much you want to suck it's tiny cock. If your girlfriend left you you should just say, then your fan base can finally identify with you.

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  3. I like all movies that give imperialistic assholes the finger up the old beehole. I am looking at you England.

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  4. Foundan interesting article entitled "Internet Trolls Really Are Horrible People", good read:
    http://www.slate.com/articles/health_and_science/climate_desk/2014/02internet_troll_personality_study_machiavellianism_narcissism_psychopathy.html

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