Movies You Should See, Stat
This movie sat in my recommendations list on Netflix instant for months while I dithered about watching a movie I assumed would suck harder the least singer of Wham! in a rest stop bathroom. Those were many months wasted, however, because this movie is one of the greatest unknown gems available for the general public's viewing pleasure today. Set in a dystopic future in which a Michelle Bachman look- and sound-alike sends a black model to the moon as part of a publicity stunt, the moon lander touches down right on the edge of the dark side of the moon, whereupon one astronaut is clipped by a Nazi in a leather-trenchcoated spacesuit and the black model, spouting rather amusing ghetto slang, is captured. Upon discovering the computing power of the iPhone, the Nazis send a landing party to Earth to secure more "supercomputers" to power the Nazis' ultimate weapon for the "pacification" of Earth. Two of the landing party become aides to Bachman and utilize Naziesque propaganda to secure her reelection, upon the eve of which the remainder of the Nazis invade. From space. The movie is not only as good as it sounds- it's far, far better. You will never forgive yourself for failing to see this priceless piece of Finno-German moviemaking.
For some reason, I've been a fan of Jack Ketchum in the way the US government is a fan of the US Constitution- I like his stuff in theory, but in practice can't stand the sight of it. So it was with the film adaptation of the predecessor to the Woman (the Offspring), and so it is with most of Ketchum's books. The Woman, however, was astonishingly good. I always enjoy a good condemnation of modern society in its comparison to the past, and even moreso enjoy seeing the hypocrisy of "Western civilization" thrown back in its face, and for this reason I couldn't have enjoyed The Woman more. Set in the modern day, the Woman is a tale of a family whose well-to-do family man patriarch captures a feral girl in the woods and chains her up in his barn in an effort to "civilize her". Predictably, the family's vague attempts at civilizing the girl are anything but, and though a violent psychotic, the feral girl is a sympathetic character in the face of the civilized world. Topped off with some excellent revenge sequences, the triumph of "the uncivilized", and very cool plot twist at the end, you pretty much cannot not like this film.
A Serbian Film
Perhaps we need a bit of a cleanse after that review.
I think we've had enough tits, so we're going pirate style and chasin' the booty.
Your New Favorite Bands
If Infant Annihilator gives you such hard eargasms that your bloody eardrums are splattered all over your neck like strawberry Pop Tart bukkake, you'll love Rings of Saturn and Signal The Firing Squad more than Aaron Hernandez loves incriminating himself in felonious acts. Don't believe me?
Rings of Saturn is all of the technicality of IA with more noodly bits, atmospherics that would not be out of place in a Portishead song, and less silliness than you'd see in an Orthodox Jew's countdown of a store's register.
Signal the Firing Squad brings more brutality per second than most bands bring per lifetime. Saddam Hussein's kids WISH they were this fucking brutal, and those motherfuckers threatened soccer players with dismemberment over a game in which scoring happens less often than Screech from Saved By The Bell gets laid.
Thy Art Is Murder
I was recently warned not to support Satanism, even as a goof, as support for the forces of evil only lends the people who control the world more power. Given that absurdity, I've decided to throw the full weight of my support behind the Beast, and am rocking Thy Art Is Murder on the regular. There are more breakdowns in TAIM songs than you'd see on a Cuban highway and more blasphemy than you'd see in a typical Westboro Baptist church sermon. These motherfuckers would shank Jesus and pour acid in the Virgin Mary's eyes, just fucking because. Though I don't condone hippie bashing, I do condone the everloving fuck out of Thy Art Is Murder. If there is anything on Earth tougher than this song, I am unaware of its existence. If Jack Palance fucked a badger, this would be the soundtrack for their "love making".
Does Thy Art Is Murder inspire you to deadlift in the ashes of a church you "accidentally" burned down and then used the crucifix you found on the wall to pleasure your girlfriend? If so, you might want to check out Columbia's own Impale The Betrayer.
I bought Acacia's Strain's 3750 without having heard it, on the recommendation of a friend that nothing would ever be heavier than that band. Brown Noise, the first non-noise track on 3750, blew out my car's two back speakers in the first bar, as I unwittingly had the shit turned way up and the bass maxed. Thus, Acacia Strain's "Brown Noise" nearly fulfilled the promise of the song title, as their three drop A guitars proved too much for my stereo and nearly my bowels. Acacia Strain's followups, however, have done nothing (in my opinion) to improve on the formula they created. Luckily, however, Black Tongue's exploded onto the scene to pick up where Acacia Strain's first major release left off. This shit is about to rape your soul with a cock made of pure hate. Interestingly enough, I discovered while researching this blog that Black Tongue is Infant Annihilator's touring side band, which explains why they roll harder than a 1990's era Ultimate Warrior with a fistful of Viagra and a backpack full of d-bol and coke.
Provided Black Tongue warms the frozen cockles of your blackened heart, check out Immoralist. A bit less sludgy, but just as likely to make you kick and old lady into traffic.
Chicago's putting out the best hardcore in the US, bar none. Drowning, then, is pretty much Eric Roberts in Best of the Best, in spite of the fact that they appear to be a pack of wiggers, a symptom of sucking. Down-tempo, jam-packed with breakdowns, actually intelligible vocals, and an apparent desire to start fistfights whenever they're not starting riots. For those of you who actually want a touch of melody, they have a tiny bit, which strikes me as weird as hell for a band that wants to do little more than make music to kick peoples' fucking heads in to. Also, the first track off their upcoming album features Jorge from Merauder, which is fucking awesome.
Throw these motherfuckers some money so they record more shit and download their album here.
If Drowning gets your dick hard, check out World of Pain's new shit. Just pop this into the stereo and point the speakers at the soon to be dead motherfucker you want beaten, if you want to beat the brakes off someone without scuffing your knuckles, .
I just snagged their "Lifter" shirt - shit's 2 legit 2 quit.
Also, keep your eye on Warhound- their new shit is too fucking hard. How about a video jam-packed with sluts and breakdowns, plus a bunch of dudes in ski masks hanging out of the windows of a Caddy screaming tough-as-fuck lyrics?
Bonus: Weird Bands OF Whom You've Almost Certainly Never Heard
I honestly have no idea how to categorize these guys- they're unlike anything of which you might have ever heard. If you took the bassist from Mudvayne, threw him into Dillinger Escape Plan, grabbed the vocalist from December (another unknown band you should also check out) and gave Serj Tankian another mike and a handful of acid, then locked the lot of them in a room with mental patients and between the Buried and me records, you'd get Sikth. They're weird as fuck, cool as shit, and worth adding to your mp3 player for a bit of insanity.
Sub Dub Micromachine
Some of you will balk at this band, as they look like Slipknot if they got their costumes from a BDSM shop frequented by motocross fans. You're missing out, though, as Sub Dub's a pretty badass changeup if all you listen to is deathcore and dubstep. Additionally, this band defies description almost as hard as Sikth- they look industrial, which they're not, and they change sounds several times in almost every song. They can shift effortlessly from Devildriver to Korn to Slipknot to Powerman 5000 and then drop in a Crowbar-esque breakdown for no fucking reason whatsoever. For those of you who take yourselves far too seriously, you'll probably hate this almost as much as the people around you hate you. For the rest of you, enjoy.
Quite frankly, I don't listen to a hell of a lot of rap, and honestly have no idea how I stumbled across this group. Oddly, they hail from the Netherlands, a country generally associated with dikes and clogs and not much else, save perhaps for their Socialists' current ridiculous attempt to ban pornography in the European Union. On the opposite end of the spectrum from the loathsome hag heading that movement is Dope D.O.D., who've opened for Snoop Dogg, have cameos by rap legends Kool Keith and FUCKING ONYX on their latest album, and boast backbeats comprised mostly of dubstep. Basically, these guys are the Geto Boys meet Natas updated for the 21st Century and overlaid on some dirty dubstep drops. If you don't find yourself head-nodding to this shit, you should check your fucking pulse.
Books To Sate The Intellectual Black Hole Left By Comments On Internet Message Boards
The Joe Ledger series, by Jonathan Maberry
Jonathan Mayberry is one of the most underrated authors in mass market fiction today. He's written a spate of novels in the last ten years that combine elements of sci-fi, thriller, espionage, and horror in every novel. This series features Joe Ledger, a former cop recruited into a government quick response team for "abnormal" events like zombie outbreaks, Nazi mad scientist geneticists using cloned Neanderthals as slaves, and the like. Always jammed with action, they read like a cross between Larry Correia and Vince Flynn, and the unique plots make for interesting reading. i can see how he'd not be tremendously popular, as his works span too many genres to specifically appeal to any one demographic, but they're highly enjoyable reads and worth picking up to read on the plane or the beach. If you don't mind starting in the middle of the series, you might want to start with the Dragon Factory, as it's the best of the bunch in my opinion.
Infernal City series, by Edward Lee
The first in what is now a four book series, Lee smashes erotica and splatterpunk together to make one of the best horror series of all time. In the Infernal City series, a variety of different houses serve as gateways to hell, which exists as a mirror of our own world and repository for damned souls. In hell, bio-electricity created from the torture of souls replaces electricity, there are zones in which demons spontaneously arrive and slaughter everyone around, and bones, organs, and flesh comprise the brick, mortar, and fabric of Hell's civilization. It'd be dark as shit if half of it wasn't hilarious and the other half didn't leave you ready to fuck a hole in a cinder block wall- instead, it's just randomly fantastic. The whole concept drips with insanity and is generally awesome.