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14 May 2013

Droppin' Knowledge Like Elbows On Fools' Faces- The Big Seminar II

Tragically, the seminar has been cancelled.  My write-up rules though, so I'm leaving it for posterity.

Though I sort of backed into powerlifting like a blind man at the wheel of a 1980s Cadillac, I've been invited to participate in a powerlifting seminar hosted by South Carolina Barbell and Total Performance Sports and featuring members of Team EFS.  This seminar will represent a couple of generations of geared and raw powerlifters, which is something you don't often see.  From what I've seen out of this bunch already, it should be pretty-much nonstop hilarity from the type of people most of us wish we were surrounded with on a daily basis, rather than the sloppy tards in which we're usually drowning.  Among the presenters will be:

CJ Murphy, aka Murph:  This dude is the man behind Boston's renown Total Performance Sports, which has been named one of the top 20 gyms in America by Men's Health a couple of times and churns out badass athletes like Score's churns out scantily clad Eastern Europeans with VD.  Murph's a former national champion in powerlifting and boasts pretty much every strength training acronym a person could have, in addition to being a former strongman competitor, boxing instructor, kettlebell teacher, and USAW club coach.  Additionally, Murph apparently knows how to throw a fireball Dragonball-Z style, but will only do so when it accompanies a Crowbar or Pro-Pain song, as he derives strength from his fellow shaved heads and goatees.  If you have no idea what I'm talking about, use the google machine- I would not be surprised to discover Murph was actually a member of Crowbar at some point, though I have no idea when he'd have found the time.

Molly Galbraith:  Yes, the hot broad above who's squatting 225 to depth will be presenting.  She's a figure competitor and powerlifter, which is about as common as finding a midget who can dunk a basketball on a regulation hoop.  Just as you'd pay attention to the midget, so should you pay attention to Galbraith.  She's a regular contributor to EFS's website, where most of her articles revolve around looking good while being strong, which is something all of us should get behind [ah, the double entendres].

Julia Ladewski:  Not one, but two hot chicks are presenting- Murph knows how to schedule shit while growing out epic goatees.  Ladewski's ranked 15th on the all-time list at 132 for geared lifters, just jumped to #5 on the all-time list (and is currently ranked #2) for 123 lbers in gear, is a former Division I strength coach, is the Program Director at the Parisi Speed School (aka the guys who train most of the dudes going into the NFL draft for the combine), and rocks abs the entire time.

Dave Kirschen:  Fifteen years ago, a princess kissed a bullfrog that then began an incomplete transformation into a human.  That semi-human's name is Dave Kirschen, who in spite of what appears to be debilitating tumors on his neck is 19th on the all-time list at 198 in multi-ply.  Dave's been featured in Men's Health, a frequent contributor to EFS's site, the master of all systems conjugate, and might have a stroke when he reads this writeup, but hopefully his stroke will be minor and he'll just drool and twitch a bit during his presentation.

Matt Rhodes:  Weirdly, I've likely met Rhodes before at the football weight room at the University of Arizona, though neither of us would have known it.  I talked my way into using that gym in spite of the fact that I wasn't a football player, only to get ejected when I bragged to one of the strength coaches that I pulled 500 for the first time (weighing around 150) while I had mono.  In any event, Rhodes played for U of A in the mid-90s, coached football at the University of Richmond, worked as a personal trainer for a while, is the current strength and conditioning coach at the University of Albany, has totalled 2110 at 308, and enjoys the occasional bout of sodomy using capsaicin as lube.  It's ok, though- he wears a condom so none gets in his pisshole, which apparently hurts like a motherfucker.  Happily fat and sweaty, Rhodes isn't just another pretty face- knows his shit and represents it on the platform.  As I meet none of the criteria for acceptance into Rhodestown, he and I will likely drown out all of the other presenters casually insulting each other while demonstrating random feats of strength.  I will win, obviously, as my superior abdominal vascularity confers victory on me as a matter of course.

Vincent Dizenzo:  Contrary to popular belief, he is not the lost third member of the Mario Brothers.  Instead, Vincent (hereafter to be referred to as Vinnie D, because typing "Vincent" for a guy with a name mafioso would jack off to is odd) is a three-lift geared lifter converted by the magic of ruptured discs into a bench press specialist.  At 322, Vinnie D benched 605 raw, and then dropped to the 242 class and hit a 770 shirted bench at 16% bodyfat, which is seriously impressive for a former circus fat man.  His personal motto is fucking awesome- “Anything worth lifting is only worth lifting once”, and he proved that by busting out an utterly ridiculous strict overhead press with 405.

Me:  I'm fucking awesome, and you already know this.  In case you just stumbled drunkenly across this blog in search of porn, I'm an inciter of riots, defiler of virgins, fomenter of revolutions, petter of dogs, and all around asshole who occasionally competes in powerlifting.

The Big Seminar II is going to be a two day event held at Williams Strength in West Columbia, SC.  On day one, each of the motley crew detailed above will expound upon the following topics:
Me: The Art of the Bottom Position Squat and (if there's time) ketogenic dieting for the strength competitor. I've been holding off on detailing how extensively I've been using the bottom position squat of late on the blog for really no reason whatsoever, and figured it was high time I talk about how I get all Bud Jeffries on the deal once a week.
Vincent Dizenzo: The Little Things-recovery, mental focus and more
Matt Rhodes: Training College Athletes
C.J. Murphy: The TPS Method-the superior training system for your clients
Julia Ladewski: From Treadmill to barbell-debunking fitness myths for women (great for men too)
Dave Kirschen: the Conjugate Method for beginners.
On Sunday we will put everyone through training stations covering the bench press, the squat, the deadlift, the power clean and Turkish Get ups/metabolic circuits.  I believe I'll be working the squat station on that day, as that's sort of my forte.  Since we're going to be at Williams Strength, the guys who run it are going to let us train on their badass equipment and are apparently going to take us around their workshop, which I assume will be manned by jacked elves who will be listening to King Diamond's No Presents for Christmas on repeat.  We're going to then grub on meat-filled working lunch on Sunday to learn about the use of the Tsunami bar, which Dave Tate has been raving about on his logs.  Given that I've been fiddling about with fat bars, crazybells, and chains on my second bench day every week, I'm pretty pumped to find one more wacky thing I can do to get my bench up.  In short, you can learn more from this group of maniacs in a weekend than you'd likely learn in a lifetime on your own.  Thus, you might want to up your frequency on car thefts, steal your little brother's lunch money more often, and sell some ass on Craigslist to get the scratch together to bask in the glow of our collective testosterone-drenched genius.

Register here for Big Seminar 2 at Williams Strength with the inimitable Jamie Lewis, two hot (and strong) chicks, a bullfrog, and some fat, sweaty motherfuckers who toss about huge weights like they're ultralight children's toys in the polio ward in a hospital on June 29th&30th.

I promised that I wouldn't put any porn in this post, so this is as close as it's going to get.


  1. Haha "petter of dogs". Bottom position squat article? Yes please.

  2. HAHA!!
    I told Murph you were going to be the special guest that Spud mentioned.
    I train myself and the few I train at TPS, the Chaos and Pain way of Awesomeness not only in the gym but in the kitchen as well.
    We have some real legit lifters here. One which you referred to in your earlier writings is Dr. Lauren Cohen. Carlos Moran is another monster as well as our Mailbox.
    I hope we can catch your brilliance on video!

    1. That's cool as hell! As for the video, you'll have to bug Murph about that- I am the low man on the totem pole here. I'll kick them some ideas for that though, and see what we can work out.

  3. The seminar sounds like it's geared primarily for coaches/trainers - and I'm still pretty much a beginner (2-3 years of clueless dicking around followed by 9 months recovering from a back/hip injury) - but I'm a knowledge sponge and couldn't pass up the opportunity to learn from experts of this caliber.

    1. Beginners are allowed to stare at hot chicks in booty shorts, too.

  4. "manned by jacked elves who will be listening to King Diamond's No Presents for Christmas on repeat". A pleasantly unexpected bout of nostalgia.

    1. It might be the worst song ever recorded.

  5. The hosts of Just Big and Jamie, working together for the first time. I hope they decide to have you as a guest on the show. Honestly, you could probably just tell them you wanted to be on the show, and they would get you on super fast given your raw squat record.

    (The hosts are Vinnie D. and Dave Kirschen, and Matt Rhodes used to host before moving to his new job)

  6. best sales letter EVER. But Wrong Coast.

  7. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!? Oh sorry, i was reading something funny somewhere else. This though - Worst. Post. Ever. But i'd like to see Jamie just holding a basket ball, never mind slam dunking it. He'd look like a two year old holding a beachball. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!! (continue till fade)

  8. i hope the reddit lifting crew shows up

  9. while Googling info about keto diets I keep coming to atkins forums where people are saying, "more than 6 grams of carbs in a meal will throw you out of keto", but i cannot find any evidence at all to support that claim. are you aware of this scientific fact?

    1. There is no scientific data to support that whatsoever. Also, from my understanding of biology and the mechanisms involved it would take more than 6g of carbohydrate in a meal to stop your body from producing ketones (Closer to 30-50g depending on tolerance) in your body for energy. Read this:

      You may have a better understanding; although it is themed around triathletes, it's still a great book.

    2. If you take an insulin spike, ketogenesis will stop, and since your muscles and heart and kidney chow down on ketones at an extremely high rate (this spares glucose for your brain and RBCs) they will exhaust it, meaning your ketosticks go clear. This stop in ketogenesis is very very short and your liver will go back to making ketones, but its rate will still take a bit of time before it overshoots your body's threshold for uptake.

      Your neurons are temporarily starved for ketones. This leads to a drop in neuron acteyl CoA levels and releases the inhibition of pyruvate dehydrogenase, causing more glycolysis in the cytosol and therefore dropping your blood glucose levels, leading to more glucagon/epinephrine/cortisol secretion and increased rate of gluconeogenesis, which will help achieve ketogenesis, but temporarily cause more amino acid metabolism.

      So basically intake more protein till your sticks turn pink.

      NOTE: Between the ketones appearing and the insulin spike you took, you are still burning the same amount of fat (minus whatever gms carbohydrates you took).

      So chill.

  10. Jaime. You. Can. Block. Rant.
    The distractions have gone too far.

    1. Problem is, i draw a LOT of people to this blog who otherwise probably wouldn't bother checking in. You contribute nothing. Now crawl back in your hole while i continue being awesome and loved by everyone (including your mom, who loved me with a prostate massage last night).

    2. haha. Rant can get a bit much sometimes. But he serves an important function on this blog keeping hero-worship faggotry to a minimum.

      The typical kid who comes and writes his bullshit routine and how he is awesome now and was a complete dickless yeast infection stain before he took jamies member into his windpipe will now be called out and berated.

      Leading to less eye-rolling, and "wendler"ification of the blog.
      Plus being mad at someone spikes your test levels.

    3. I actually think some people do it as a form of heckling, they want a response from me so they can tell their "friends" on facebook or at nursery school. So i spit on them like Sid Vicious would have. Gives them something to think about while they try to rub one out with their flacid micro penis.

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