14 December 2012

Ask The Asshole- .44 Magnum Edition Part 1


Q: How much muscle do you think a person can gain, naturally, over a lifetime?  Here are some calculators I found, but I wanted to know what you thought:  http://www.builtlean.com/2011/03/30/how-much-muscle-can-you-gain-naturally/

A:  This is, without question, one of the dumbest and most pointless "intellectual" exercises in which one could engage.  If you're wondering why, it's because there's no point to it.  Science has yet to find a method for determining the genetic ceiling for human performance for NFL athletes, and if corporation putting hundreds of millions of dollars a year into the subject cannot come up with a test for that, there's little chance that your average internet strength guru has a fucking clue what your genetic potential is.  Furthermore, there's been no study conducted that would even provide the basis for a bell curve, which would completely eliminate even the "average" natural muscular gain over time... because you NEED A FUCKING DATA SET TO CALCULATE AVERAGES.  These stupid motherfuckers online find that it's a nice salve to the pride of the wastes of space occupying the squat rack in your local gym with piss-poor 135 lb squats to low-ball their genetic ceilings so they feel positive about their progress and then buy the gurus' books like they're Linus and the book is their security blanket.  Meanwhile, none of those sorry, thumb-sucking, dickless, prideless, sad-sack, effeminate, useless, possibly Canadian, soy eating, commie pinko motherfuckers trying to determine their genetic ceiling will ever reach it BECAUSE THEY"RE ALREADY ANTICIPATING THE POINT WHERE THE CAN QUIT.  If you're shocked at the caps used in this section, it's due to the fact that I would curb stomp anyone who mentioned the "most muscle you can naturally gain" metrics as evidence of anything other than their own hideous stupidity, and I hate the assholes who want to know "the answer" more than enough to pluck out their fucking eyes, make them masticate them, then use their eyeball paste as a lubricant for the anal rape of their mothers while I force their cuckold fathers to watch.  Anyone who wants the answer to that question is nothing but a slack-jawed pussy, and the world would be better off without them.

Fuck me running, I hate people.  Here's one of the stupid fucking charts on the site the idiot who emailed me mentioned:

198 lbs of lean mass at 6'5"?  Someone send Berkhan a fucking map with Samoa circled on it... and a .44 Magnum loaded with a single bullet.

Let's for instance, take the mockery of intellectualism that is the aforementioned site.  On it, they proffer a bell curve example for genetic musculature.  This means that all things being equal (myostatin levels, genetic markers for height weight and bodyfat, protein synthesis, sleep, food, efficacious training, massage, sex hormones, stress levels, etc.), there will be bell curve distribution of muscular gain.  That's all well and good, except that those things are never equal.  Never.  Never, ever, ever, ever, ever.  Thus, the bell curve is fucking stupid, right off the bat.  Apparently utilizing the same witchcraft and pseudoscience behind the concept of the genetic ceiling bell curve, various professed "natty" geniuses the world around have offered up wildly inaccurate and limiting charts like the one above, telling people exactly what their max ripped bodyweight could be.  I shouldn't have to tell you that their charts have less to do with reality than Lindsey Lohan has to do with good citizenship, but apparently I fucking do.  Because we can't be certain who's used AAS in the last 50 years and who hasn't (because every pussy on the planet thinks everyone with a fucking ounce of muscle on him is on gear... except for people in the Olympics, for some reason), let's look at some lifters who were popular in the earliest 20th century- you know, before the advent of modern medicine, refrigeration, and most of the training equipment with which we're accustomed   In other words, let's look at the stats and determine which of the following people "must" have been on steroids based on these completely non-scientific charts, in spite of the fact that they basically lived in the dark ages:

Maxick.  5'4", 147 lbs.  OBVIOUSLY JUST SHOT A WHOLE KIT OF GH!

Arthur Saxon.  5'10", 210 lbs.  DAT DERE CELLTECH.

Otto Arco.  5'2", 137 lbs.  GENETIC FREAK WHO SNORTS DBOL ON THE HOUR.

Bobby Pandour.  5'5.5", 160 lbs.  BIG TRAPS= OBVIOUS AAS.


Herman Goerner.  6'1", 245 lbs.  DEAD BY 30.

Ernest Cadine.  5'6" 181 lbs.  BLEEDS TEST E.

Eugen Sandow.  5'9" 200 lbs.  GOT ANAVAR?


Using the wholly unscientific, Candyland metric designed by Martin Berkhan, all of them must have been on steroids, in spite of the fact steroids had not yet been invented, because they exceeded his maximum ripped bodyweight by an average of 26 pounds.  Let me put that another way for you- men who rode penny farthings to a gymnasium that lacked squat racks or plate loaded barbells (for the most part) and ate diets far inferior to ours in terms of macronutrient profiles got bigger and leaner than the "gurus" claim is humanly possible for a modern man with access to any number of legal supplements designed to further his hypertrophic goals.  The only thing dumber than these metrics are the fucking idiots blathering on about them on the internet as if they're some sort of benchmark for who's using gear, coming from the vaunted vantagepoint of an internet warrior who knows nothing, lifts less than nothing, and wouldn't know deductive reasoning from a ten-speed bicycle.

Amusingly, I'd exceeded the limits of his calculations while I was still wrestling, doing a ton of cardio, getting drug tested for college athletics, and had never even tried DHEA... as a sophomore in college with very little in the way of a handle on diet or training.  I simply trained 6 days a week, ran 3 miles a day, wrestled once or twice a day, ate nothing but chicken breasts and hamburger patties, and slept a lot. Ideal scenario for hypertrophy?  I think not.

(Your Height in Inches -70) x 5 + 160 = Maximum LBM
65-70 x 5 +160 = 135

BuiltLean's genius formula arrived at the same conclusion- after 4 years of highly inefficient training and imperfect diet, I'd hit my genetic ceiling.  Thus, I started lifting in 1993, and by 1997 I had allegedly hit my genetic ceiling, doing virtually everything incorrectly... with all of the genetic potential of Emmanuel Lewis.  Seems like sound logic and strong science to me!  In short, those "predictions" of maximum muscular gain are pseudoscientific horseshit, their progenitors can go fuck themselves, the people who visit their sites can go fuck themselves, and everybody else can probably go fuck themselves as well.

If you take any of those charts to heart, it's either because you're a lazy piece of shit or you've got a room temperature IQ.  Either way, you should probably leave your parents' basement, head to the local gun shop, purchase a .44 Magnum and a single bullet for the gun, and blow your fucking brains out.

I don't care how you do it, so long as you're dead.

Q: What can I do to get my deadlift up to 315?


A:  This question actually made me make the Rock's incredulous face, because... it's fucking astonishing.  I cannot conceive of an adult male being incapable of pulling 315.  I have pulled 515, cold, in street clothes, and that was when my max was in the low 600s.  Truth be told, I do not remember a time when I could not deadlift 315.  I did a death set of 17 reps with 315 at 145 lbs.  If you're an adult male with one year of training under your belt and you cannot deadlift 315, you're neither a man nor worth discussing.  You're a disgrace to your family, and I cannot imagine the self-hatred you must feel. Fucking do the right thing so your parents can at least try and have a useful kid before they die- eat a frisbee.  If you need help with this, Robert Hamburger has provided the following synopsis:

"Seppuku is the ancient art of killing yourself if you get super pissed and can’t find anybody else to kill.  Ninjas use all sorts of crap to kill themselves—guns, ropes, knives, lasers, spears, etc.—and don’t even think twice about it.  These guys would kill themselves for just about any reason and often for no reason at all: that’s why we there are so few ninjas today.

But if you want to commit Seppuku and you’re like me, you don’t have access to stuff like lasers.  But there’s hope.  I tried to kill myself by swallowing a frisbee a couple of times—and believe me, it’s pretty cool.  The only catch is you have to be really super pissed to do it.

Step 1.    Get a frisbee from the store or friend.
Step 2.   Clean the Frisbee.
Step 3.    Make sure your parents aren’t around
Step 4.    Put something slippery on it, like butter or cream.
Step 5.    Get really super pissed.
Step 6.    Fold the Frisbee hard (this is crucial)
Step 7.    Keep folded and insert Frisbee into mouth hard.
Step 8.    Push hard until you can’t see it.
Step 9.    Wait.
Step 10.  Die."

Thus spaketh Robert Hamburger.

In all seriousness, if you cannot pull 315 in a year as an adult male, seriously consider suicide, or at least quit lifting, because you suck at it.  Up next, the hubbub over Paul Ryan getting kids hooked on gear, the cube method, and a bunch of other random horseshit, accompanied by lovely pictures of suicides. 

I knew you'd whine if you didn't get tits.

61 comments:

  1. Holy shit, now I have to live in fear that my question will one day be put on here. Granted, I already know how to get to a deadlift of 315 pounds. Add 5 pounds tomorrow to whatever you deadlifted today. Repeat. Hell, and I just started lifting.

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  2. I hope future Ask the Asshole entries are this hilarious.

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  3. this is old school cnp back to its roots. making fun of retards. dragging internet lifting culture beyond mediocrity, kicking and screaming all the way

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  4. Holy shit, I pissed myself reading this post. Fucking hilarious!

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  5. "DAT DERE CELLTECH" haha. Classic shit.

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  6. Back in the 90s anybody who couldn't deadlift 315 didn't do deadlifts. It was a simpler time.

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  7. Great post. Any Idea when you'll have another podcast? Also, where the fuck do I post my questions? I want to know how horses get so fucking jacked on a diet of fucking grass. Think about it. These creatures live a life without protein and never even consider taking a 44 mag to the chest- they just walk around and get fucking swole.

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    1. Now that's a fuckin' good question, how do horses get swole?

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    3. Horses, like other ruminants (deer, cows, etc) don't actually "eat" the grass. They chew it up, but their multichambered stomachs are basically culture pots for e. coli. The e. coli eat the grass, and then they eat the e. coli.

      Every living organism's cells are filled with amino acids, including plant cells. It's just that those plant cells are surrounded by cell walls which you and I cannot digest. making the amino acids unavailable. The cows let the e. coli eat the plant cells, and absorb their amino acids. Then the cows eat the bacteria themselves.

      You have bacteria in your hind gut, but you don't eat the bacteria. You can, however, eat byproducts that the bacteria produce, such as butyric acid (a saturated fat). This is how gorilla's get saturated fat in their diets while eating only plants.

      long story short, you are very different from a cow, have a more acidic stomach (and only one), and can't actually digest bacteria, although they can. That's why cows and horses are yoked on a diet of grass, whereas you would look like Sarah Jessica Parker.

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    4. Horses aren't ruminants dude, they don't have rumens.
      They have a giant appendix that serves the same purpose.

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  8. just read this from a biochem text. Yet another reason why its hard as fuck to get fat on keto:

    "Sources of Glycerol 3-Phosphate for Synthesis of Triglycerides"
    There are two sources of glycerol 3-P for triglyceride synthesis:
    • Reduction of dihydroxyacetone phosphate (DHAP) from glycolysis by glycerol 3-P dehydrogenase, an enzyme in both adipose tissue and liver
    • Phosphorylation of free glycerol by glycerol kinase, an enzyme found in liver but not in adipose tissue
    Glycerol kinase allows the liver to recycle the glycerol released during VLDL metabolism (insulin) back into new triglyceride synthesis. During fasting (glucagon), this same enzyme allows the liver to trap glycerol released into the blood from lipolysis in adipose tissue for subsequent conversion to glucose.
    Adipose tissue lacks glycerol kinase and is strictly dependent on glucose uptake to produce DHAP for triglyceride synthesis. In adipose tissue, the GLUT 4 transporter is stimulated by insulin, ensuring a good supply of DHAP for triglyceride synthesis."

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  9. basically without glucose, adipose tissue is UNABLE to make fat. Fat will circulate around it, but be unable to be stored without glucose and insulin.

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  10. For sheer emasculation of a once-formidable people, you can't get any worse than French Canadians. I just picked my wife up from the airport in Montreal and the affinity for designer eyewear, pointed leather shoes, and skin-tight black jeans with the men up there makes me wonder how on earth these people are descended from Arthur Dandurand, Louis Cyr, and Edwin Desbonnet.

    Did these questions come from Quebec, Jamie?

    This is completely off-topic but if anyone wants to hip belt squat with more than 50 lbs (and I hope they do), then they need to get that belt that Spuds sells for the job. I've been throwing 150-175 lbs on it regularly, doing lots of reps, and it is the fucking tits! It's extremely wide around the hips and doesn't dig at all!

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    1. I hope you meant kilos there not pounds!!!

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  11. Ironmind equipment tends to be very good. I'd go with whichever one is cheaper. Don't buy anything from APT though.

    The funniest thing about people from Montreal is that they pretend it's not even in Quebec.

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    1. Glen, you need to TREASURE every kilometer between you and Montreal!

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  12. What does Berkhan have to do with "builtlean.com"?!

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    1. Did you even bother reading the link?

      Also, you can find that information on Berkhan's site: http://www.leangains.com/2010/12/maximum-muscular-potential.html

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  13. that built lean site is full of fucking fluffs. Reading the comments is making me want to end humanity before such paltry excuses for humans desecrate the holy idea of being male further.

    what the fuck have we let our species become.

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    1. I just went to the dirt mall, and I can say that we've come to not much of anything good.

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    2. Everywhere I look I see men forced into politically correct castrated little boxes, unwilling to put any hard work forth or be willing to die for anything. They LOVE excuses to not have results. It puts them to ease, they don't want to work so hard, they want every reason to not work at all. Every possible way to lower the bar further, so they can smile, shrug and say "i'm good enough, I tried...but hey..here's a bunch of reasons why i didn't get it. It's not that I didn't try." We have generations of do nothings who want to say they do something, they don't want to 'feel bad' about not trying hard enough.

      They don't even know what trying hard means. The term 'trying hard' is such a weak pathetic shell of it's former self. Trying hard used mean "I did it until I went to the hospital unconcious".. now it means "oh it was too difficult"

      Its not the fucking same. I want to grab these people shake them and say "FUCK YOU, THERE IS NO FUCKING EXCUSE FOR FAILURE, YOU WORTHLESS LAZY, UNCONFIDENT, SCARED PIECE OF SHIT. YOU DON'T GET A SLAP ON THE BACK AND A PIZZA PARTY FOR LOSING YOU DIE IN DISGUST REMEMBERED AS A DISGRACED CRIPPLE"

      They live vicariously through tough guy movies and video games, and they fuck vicariously through jacking to porn.
      They find any tough guy or character and they latch onto them. Living vicariously through them. They need heroes to live through. They need women to give themselves approval. They need people to put down to lift themselves up "geared lifters, using roids" so they can say "hey i try hard man, but I don't cheat" They are such fucking bonobo scumwads. fuck fuck fuck...

      fuck

      FUCK.

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    3. Really, bro, really ? This is shit you tell your therapist, not in C&Ps comment section.

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    4. I bet he's about 17 years old.

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    5. I can post wherever the fuck I want brah, and of course you're free to comment too.

      Rant you are awesome. You must really earn your $5 an hour at carnivals guessing weight and age.

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    6. You can sure post what you want, you can also drive your cat with your feet. Doesn't make it smart. Just saying, what the fuck is that post all about ?!

      Someone who makes such a big deal out of people lifting or not lifting, or not lifting heavy enough is the one with the problem, not them.

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    7. It wasn't regarding lifting entirely. It was more about what I've seen with people not aspiring to anything. Not working hard enough. Coming up with excuses for failure. Limiting themselves.

      Distracting themselves and either living vicariously through others, or trying to take the piss out of the accomplishments of those others.

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    8. Hell do the same shit. I'm doing it right now even.

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    9. http://www.macrobusiness.com.au/wp-content/uploads/2011/05/chill_pill.jpeg

      Take a fist full of these every meal, Verb. Holy shit.

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    10. Hmm...i'm guessing Verb is 17y/o and 126lb body weight. And on too much ritalin.

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    11. Yeah that was a pretty huge wad of childish bullshit i spat out.

      I need to chill.
      cheers everyone.

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    12. rant y u so interested? weight and A/S/L brah?

      Go jerk to the magic school bus you pedofag.

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    13. Damn, i nearly got enough about you to crack one off. Never mind, there's still Christine.

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    14. i think you wanted to post this is last months article Binder
      Dundat.

      http://chaosandpain.blogspot.ca/2012/11/its-time-to-stop-mocking-indians-for_885.html

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  14. Great post Jamie, I had a high jumping accident and I've got a screw below my knee now. My left leg literally lost all muscles and I still could lift 220lbs (Without ever training Deadlift, I just started training legs again, because of the injury)
    http://i.imgur.com/vchx9.jpg

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  15. Jamie, why do you consider your diet in college sub-optimal? I mean, chicken breasts and hamburger patties, seems like an average modified Paleo diet.

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    1. I was only eating three or four times a day, and not enough calories. Also, when I was cutting, I just ate dry Nestea.

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    2. I see.
      About calories, have you ever experienced fatloss slowdown when dieting and training hard due to not eating enough calories? I mean, it goes against logic, but some times when I restrict my calories too much and keep the training volume/frequency up, my results stall. Kiefer has some interesting writings on the whole calories in VS calories out hypothesis...

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  16. Glad you remembered to post tits; I have the strangest boner right now.

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  17. I can't believe some jerkoff posted "First" right underneath it. I didn't know people still did that.

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    1. I can't believe it took you two days to fucking spot it. You'll never make a detective. PS, tidy up your house.

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  18. You nailed it on the genetic potential piece. These lazy ass pansies want to believe that they've reached their upper limit because that would justify their sorry existence and lack of effort in the gym. I refuse to believe that in four years of lifting, half of which was fuckarounditis plagued, that I've reached my "genetic limit" on lean body mass. I'm fucking 5'5" and compete in the 148 lb class. Last time I weighed in I was fucking shredded and dehydrated as fuck (thanks to your blog "To Cut or Not to Cut) and weighed in at 146.6 lb. Somehow in four years of lifting I've surpassed these dumbass guru's standards and therefore I'm absolutely on gear. You got it right Jamie. These guys set the standards so laughably low in an effort to feel accomplished and to appear to the ignorant that they've done something great- that they fail to do anything truly noteworthy at all.

    They can have their following of weak minded and bodied know-it-all's. I'll be over here with my records.

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    1. How do horses get "swole" on a diet of grass?

      Well if that confuses you then I've got one that will blow your mind:

      How do planes fly when they don't even flap their wings?!

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  20. It was a silly question meant for a laugh.. but I was slightly horrified when the most well thought out answer was that grass was essentially fermented in a horse's rumen. Horses don't have a rumen. I'll bet you thought Bryce was correct, KC.

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  21. Lmao @ that "how can I get my DL to 315" thing. I bet that jacked 4 year old can deadlift 315 hahaha.

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    1. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!! Yes i bet he can. And i bet you can't.

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  22. Check out this angry, strong motherfucker for a kid.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FuTycJwgzi8

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  23. I actually went 20lbs over berkhan's maximum lbm limit with 300ng/dl test levels and no drug use. In 3 years of training. No lie. And I'm not just pulling numbers out of my ass I actually got dexa-scan-tested and caliper tested. I think there's natty women out there who can put on more lbm than berkhan says is possible for men.

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  24. also love reading the daily shitty comments from the "cnp/lrb bros" with metal album avatars talking about how mankind has descended into femininity, as if it has anything to do with your paltry deadlift numbers, or the emergence of hipsters and not something more ironic like your eagerness to mindlessly jump on the bandwagon with whateverthefuck it is someone else is saying or doing instead of thinking or acting for yourselves

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    1. YES.

      Ironic that CNP seems to be built around being exactly the opposite of a mindless fanboy

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  26. Funny article, but those charts are basically the stats for the average natural bodybuilder in stage condition (note: legit 4-5% body fat). After being around the competitive natural BB scene for awhile, I find it to be true for the most part. The obvious exception is the guys with superior genetics that fit outside of this chart, but for the average joe that puts in some years under the bar and diets down to 4-5% naturally, this is unfortunately about right. Look at some of the better natural competitors out there like Robbie Sardinia, Alberto Nunez, Matt Ogus, Jeff Alberts etc. they're basically dead on with these numbers in contest shape.

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  28. I do think you are right, but I think the charts have their purpose. They are intended for people with average genetics who wish to get to 5-6% bodyfat and stay there year long. If you carry more fat, you can also carry a lot more lean body mass, and people who exceed the charts by more than 10lbs when at 5% are crazy genetic freaks. Also, I thought Berkhan said his formula is only accurate for people of average height, so this doesn't apply to all the manlets you posted. The main purpose of the charts is really to tell average people that they are delusional if they want to achieve Arnold size natty. I don't think they are intended for judging if someone is natty or not.

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  30. Lbm = weight at theoretical 0% body fat equivalent FYI. Ripped would be what would be considered stage ready.

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