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15 November 2011

There Were No Convenience Stores In The Paleolithic

There were no convenience stores in the Paleolithic, and for some reason people have taken that to mean that there's nothing on which to snack if you're eating paleo.  I find that to be bizarre, but I lack a carbohydrate fetish and have always despised Cheetos and Doritos.  That aside, there are nearly as many choices when it comes to snacking on a paleolithic diet as there are ways to mock that fat fuck from Superbad, Jonah Hill (although his Call of Duty trailer redeemed him very slightly).
The magic of CGI- Jonah Hill now has a jawline and far less in the way of jowels.  His wattle also appears to have been eliminated, though it might just be hiding in that shadow.


Whether or not the snacks are convenient, however, is entirely another matter.  Most paleo foods require a considerable amount of prep time, especially when they're high in protein.  Obviously, fruit, veggies, nuts and seeds are simple to eat, but the macros are entirely wrong for the kind of dieting I want to do.  Trying to replace food with that nonsense would be like going to a comedy show that was supposed to headline Andrew Dice Clay and finding Wayne Brady there instead.  That shit just won't fly.


Frankly, I think eating some beef jerky is pretty much the pinnacle of snacking, and buy a tremendous amount of the stuff from the Amish at the Farmer's Market every time I go home.  The Amish are pretty much dowdy wizards when it comes to cured and dried meats, and it's fun to flirt with the Amish broads enough to get a full-body blush in return.  When I'm not at home, though, I am either left to make it myself, or to buy it from a store.  Living in Alabama, otherwise known as Satan's Taint, it's far too hot and humid to run my oven with the door open for 10 hours.  As such, I'm left with the option of buying jerky at the store, which means I get a lot of food coloring, nitrates, nitrites, and possibly a dusting of MSG thrown in the for good measure, as a final gesture of "fuck you" from the Lovecraftian fish people working in Jack Link's factories.  


That is, I was left with that option until recently, when I was emailed by a reader who had an alternative to the aforementioned bullshit.  No cooking, no nitrates, and the shit is actually for a good cause.  Before you guys go thinking I've sold out, I offered to help this guy out because his entire company is a charity for kids in Camden.  He offered to give me a kickback, but I declined the hell out of that because his charity's for kids in Camden, and I'm neither that money motivated nor that fucking evil to take money out of their hands.  If you've never been to Camden, NJ, it's pretty much what Detroit looks like in the movie Robocop.  People who live there are faced with the option of selling crack, buying crack, robbing someone else for their crack, or trading crack for a gun so you can rob someone for their crack.  I'd say it's the worst place on Earth, except that I'm pretty certain sub-Saharan Africa is holding down that title pretty nicely.  As such, it's the worst place you could go without knowing for a certainty you'd come back with AIDS at the very least.  In any event, to fund a Crossfit club for future crack dealers, Steve invented Paleokits, which serve the dual purpose of providing paleo dieters with ready-to-eat snack options and getting future death row inmates in shape for the chair.  Here's a list of the shit I've tried that he offers with an unbiased review of the Paleokit offerings I've tried:

  • Grass-Fed Paleo Stix- These are probably my favorite of the paleo offerings, as they're basically healthy Slim Jims.  They could stand to be a bit spicier (couldn't everything?), but aside from that, they were awesome.  Additionally, they've got a good nutritional profile- 160 calories, 6g fat, 28g protein per package, which makes for a decent snack.  Frankly, two of these would make a better snack, but I highly doubt most paleo dieters share my feeling of not having eaten if I didn't get 50g of protein in a sitting.
  • Grass-Fed Just Jerky-  Again, I was a bit disappointed with the lack of seasoning, but as paleo's not supposed to be salt-heavy, it's understandable.  Damn good jerky though, low fat, and bereft of carbs, the way jerky should be.
  • Coconut Paleokit- To be frank, I assumed that the combination of beef jerky, coconut, and strawberries would go together like battery acid and donkeys, but it was quite honestly fucking amazing.  I love the holy hell out of coconut and strawberries, which I'm sure helped, but you'd be surprised at how good this was. As you'd imagine, it's a bit high in carbs for someone eating keto, but if you're not a ketogenic paleodieter, this paleokit is truly badass.
  • Original Paleokit-  This one was not up my alley.  I thought the macros on it sucked (24g fat, 22g impact carbs, 35g protein) and I despise cranberries.  As such, this one was my least favorite.  I had two of them, however, so I handed the second off to a coworker, who ate mine and asked me how to get more- he loved the thing, and told me it was awesome to eat while playing Call of Duty.  Amusingly, I had to explain to him what paleolithic dieting was to him, and he responded with "Doritos have double XP."  Clearly, dieting's not at the forefront of his mind, but taste is, and he loved these.
  • Paleo Crunch Cereal- Hey hippies!  Want paleo granola?  Here it is, and it tastes fucking amazing.  Not too sweet, good flavor, and better macros than could ever be expected out of granola.  Granted, I don't recall the last time I ate granola, but chicks in particular would probably love this to get over the hump on ditching carbs.  Surprisingly good.  Until I googled it, I had no idea that this stuff was cereal- I ate it dry and loved it.  It'd probably be amazing with Almond Milk, though.  Clearly, I didn't try the Cranberry, but another of my coworkers has been bugging me to get him more of it- he was a huge fan.
  • Paleo Crunch Bars (Original and Seasonal)-  These things are amazing, and a badass addition to a post-workout meal if you're angling for extra carbs.  If I ate carbs on the regular, I'd be putting kids in Camden through college with my purchases of these.
Paleo = good.

Thus endeth my good deed for the decade.  Buy this stuff, help out some kids whose lives truly suck, and get lean.  It's win-win.  Well, if you think helping people or eating paleo is winning.  I think I'm getting soft in my old age.  Buy the shit here: http://www.stevesoriginal.com/store and use the coupon code chaosandpain to get 10% off until November 22nd.  

If you give a shit about charities (I usually only donate to no-kill dog shelters and libraries, but made an exception to my rule of "Fuck Everyone" to help out these guys), check out Steve's wacky plan to make the ghetto suck less with Crossfit here.  Does it make sense?  No, but you can't fault the guy for trying to do something cool for a bunch of people most of the world avoids at all costs.
Maybe he's trying to save the ghetto with booty?  I fully support that plan.

31 comments :

  1. Lest you guys worry, the meet week and predator diet blogs are on their way. Working on the ebook, and truncated versions of those guys will be up this weekend when the book gets released.

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  2. Steve's a good guy, doing good things.

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  3. Robocop was filmed in Hamilton. So were a lot of movies that take place in Detroit. Hollywood tends to film movies here when they want their backdrop to look like a disgusting slum because Hamilton is the shithole no one believes exists because it's in Ontario.

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  4. I thought you people were sitting up there all fat and happy in a socialist paradise, making snowmen year-round and speaking terrible French. That's what Michael Moore says, at least.

    I think most people don't think shit's filmed in Hamilton because most people in the US forget Canada exists 90% of the time, and the other 10% of the time they don't really care, haha.

    Rumble in the Bronx was filmed in Vancouver, as I recall.

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  5. Vancouver is full of scumbags. Apparently the weed is good though. It`s one of the only big cities in Canada. Vancouver, Calgary, Toronto, Montreal. Anything that happens anywhere else is not likely to even make the news beyond a local level. That`s why the image of Canada is that it`s a happy paradise. It`s what the government and media want you to think.
    And the only thing worse than Canadian French is when French Canadians speak English. Quite possibly the worst accent on Earth. Funny though.

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  6. "And the only thing worse than Canadian French is when French Canadians speak English. Quite possibly the worst accent on Earth. Funny though" LMAO I couldn't agree more; I worked for a Montreal-based company for 7 years; what a bunch of asshats.

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  7. Once you're done with your ebook and everything you might want to look some more into the effects of the cold. I took that one bit of info you posted to heart. I've been wandering around in the woods for an hour or two with my shirt (and often shoes) off fairly consistently on cold/wet days for the last month or so. It's usually between 40 and 30 when I go out. I can't point to any cause and effect results but nonetheless, I really feel like it's great "assistance work." (And of course it's pretty awesome to be able to do even if it doesn't have any affect on performance) I found I adapted very quickly to it, by the way. Just something you might want to look into.

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  8. Cold is a state of mind up to a point. I've worked outside pushing shopping carts for Costco the past few years. The guys who can stay outside all day are the ones who just don't give a fuck. Once you do that it's fine.

    Now, wet wind will cut you to shreds no matter your mindset. Shit gets in your bones. I'll take -10 with no wind over 40 with a strong wet wind.

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  9. MOntreal has best nightlife and cheap rub. I live calgary which does not have 1 after-hours and no touch strippers (wtf) but the cleanest city (crack kids what's that?).

    Pushing shopping carts wtf? Try working in -60'celius packing steel or driving quad shooting lines. Keep dry n protect from wind. Elevation is cunt too.

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  10. Actually, cold wet winds are far easier to deal with for me than sheer cold. Snow storms are easier as well.

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  11. I've done construction work year-round before. If you dress properly and keep moving around, you're fine.

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  12. Informative article Jamie, this Paleo stuff is very interesting. When trying to gain weight though, wouldn't the scale drive you insane? I could immagine constant fluctuations in BW.

    Sorry for the off-topic, but have you considered writing up a blog on different, more specific training splits (maybe a future ATA?)? I know specificity does not really apply to C&P, but I'd like to know how you'd program certain lagging lifts for say a PL meet, or maybe a strongman event like stone lifting.

    A very broad subject, I know. If it seems redundant let me know.

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  13. Jamie's answer given way back when for lagging areas in strength was to just train it more and work in some light shit related to it once or twice a week.

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  14. Alexandro- It'd be difficult without a baseline workout to draw from. I'm a generalist and train like one. If you have a specific question, email me at chaos_and_pain@yahoo.com and I'll see what I can do.

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  15. given that you're fond of doing experiments like dropping the deadlift, don't you want to experiment training with bodyweight only? convict conditioning is believed to be a good book.

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  16. Bodyweight training sucks. You might get some mediocre results with gymnastics equipment but from just normal bodyweight training? Why would you do something that prisoners do by necessity when they don't have gym access, when YOU DO have a gym?

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  17. Adam I wonder how many people work in -60 Celsius?

    That's very cold. I've been outdoors quite a few times when it has been more than -40 but less than -50 Celsius.

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  18. K- beacause I like lifting weights. That program is antithetical to what I enjoy. Furthermore, I'm not in prison.

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  19. that was a good answer, I bet that you smiled after you wrote it.

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  20. Not that I know Jamie any better than anybody else here because I definitely don't. My only advantage over the rest of you is that I've actually got a triple-digit IQ, while most of you are boderline retarded and that's being generous about it. Actually, since I'm not a virgin either it looks like I've got two advantages over you but we'll save that one for another time.

    I think if Jamie was going to do a bodyweight only program, Convict Conditioning would not even be one of his considerations. I realise you probably have trouble seeing the forest for the trees in any situation due to your extremely low mental capacity so you probably view one-armed chinups and one-armed handstand pushups as hardcore. I suppose they are, but the Convict Conditioning method of reaching those goals is low-volume Super Slow. Two training ideologies that don't coincide with anything training related that's ever been posted on this blog.

    Do your parents and teachers ever tell you to think before you speak? For future reference, that works with posting on the Internet too. Try it next time.

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  21. 32.5 doesn't count as triple digits Glen.

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  22. who let maccharles out of his fucking cage, get outta da way before he armbars someone

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  23. I do bodyweight training by necessity and laziness. The interesting thing about bodyweight stuff is that it requires some creativy, I have a wooden ladder I improvise all sorts of exercises on, but it's never going to be like free weights. Also, it is difficult to increment other than by adding reps. Wait, I take that back, static holds are also a way to increment, but far from ideal.

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  24. Jamie, you live in Alabama. Isn't that close?

    I should be nice to the French Canadians since that's what most of my family are and they drop a lot of money in my state but they've got to be some of the rudest people ever created!

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  25. They do tend to be very rude. Especially if you don't speak French. As a whole they're a very angry bunch which is why there are so many bikers there. They're probably just bitter that after fighting with the English for so long over North America, Quebec is all they got. I've been through Quebec but never spent much time there. My French is rudimentary at best. I was conditioned from childhood to hate the French. I don't actually hate them but I'd rather not be around them if I can avoid it.

    It's funny somebody mentioned armbars because I armbarred some douchebag in the bar two weeks ago. First time I've done that in years.

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  26. I've always found the French-Canadians to be less annoying, on average, than the French or the Canadians. Strange how that chip-on-the-shoulder bitch hierarchy pans out.

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  27. glen, thanks for your reply, you are really so smart. unfortunately the IQ tests have been thoroughly debunked over the last 10 years and weren't you so busy being the angriest motherfucker on earth and ludicrously attempting to belittle others you'd know, so please, do yourself a favor and settle the fuck down.

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  28. That's quite the grasp of the English language you've got there, K. What grade are you in?

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  29. Glen, thanks for your reply once again, but given that I didn't fully understand your comment, I must say that it was rather useless. What's more, I'm a native spanish speaker learning English, so if you could tell me what did I write or read wrongly I'd be very thankful. Lest you are still loosing sleep wondering the grade I am in, I'm finishing school this year.

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  30. Hahahaha. Justin, it's more like being stuck in the world's largest Special Ed classroom. This has got to be the largest repository of fat and stupid people ever to grace the Earth.

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