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30 December 2010

You Screamed About It And You Got it: The Splendiferous David Goggins

As you all know, David Goggins recently went jogging in a couple of different places and has subsequently been in nearly every print and online exercise publication known to man, because jogging is apparently the coolest thing that's ever fucking happened, anywhere.  As such, there would seem to be little else one could learn about this former unknown, but I managed to pick up a few choice tidbits through careful research, and uncovered some startling photographs never before published online or otherwise.
The above picture was taken right after Goggins ran 43000 miles and then did a handstand while deadlifting a new world all-federation, all-time world record... with his cock.

His background:
Goggins was born Ingvar Xhosa Laval (later changed to David Goggins) on Feb 30th, 1876 to Tywanna Mosely, a maid from Zimbabwe and was of Hottentot/Tyrannasaur descent, and Gustaf de Laval, a well-known Swedish industrialist.  The two met in a hotel in Lisbon, Portugal, and after a whirlwind romance of sexual asphyxiation and a lengthy stint working adjacent glory holes in a back alley, conceived the future jogging champion.  They settled in the Seychelles Islands, where Goggins was born to much fanfare due to the popularity of the Swedish chef and dinosaurs in that region.
Shortly after birth, his parents were startled to discover that he was born with both the ability to speak and the ability to lift small objects with his mind.  As a child, Goggins was content to simply use his telepathy to make people eating near him allow him to partake of their meals, which caused his parents to put him in a burlap sack and beat him with reeds on a daily basis. At age 5, Goggins psychically overheard his parents calling him a "pain in the fucking ass" and "worse than a fucking Zambian peanut trader", and inadvertently caused his mother to die of an epileptic fit shortly thereafter.  Though Goggins did not realize he was responsible for this, he attracted the attention of two government agents, who then broke into his house in as his father was stuffing a recalcitrant Goggins into a burlap sack, beat his father to death with a large trout, and forced the child into a government-run brothel. There, Goggins spent the next 6 years developing immense telekinetic powers with his mind, the vast majority of which involved stretching his asshole to Goatse-sized proprtions and stimulating g-spots and prostates without physical touch.  By the time he was a teenager, he was invited to the White House to service the First Lady, whereupon he met the greatest American of all time, Teddy Roosevelt.
Roosevelt felt that Goggins' considerable mental and physical talents were not being fully exploited.  After nearly a decade of beatings and nearly continuous fucking, Goggins had built for himself a physique that displayed both his tremendous isometric strength (gained from holding various positions for extended periods of time) and nearly superhuman endurance.  As such, Roosevelt asked Goggins to volunteer for a top-secret defense project — Operation: Rebirth, which sought to develop a means of creating physically superior soldiers. Goggins volunteered for the research and, after a rigorous selection process, was chosen as the first human test subject for the Super-Soldier serum developed by the scientist Dr. Josef Reinstein.  As part of this program, Goggins received injections and oral doses of the Super-Soldier Serum. He was then exposed to a controlled burst of "Vita-Rays" that activated and stabilized the chemicals in his system. Although the process physically arduous, it successfully altered his physiology almost instantly from its thin but muscular form to the maximum of human potential, greatly enhancing his musculature and reflexes. Upon seeing the results, Teddy slapped Goggins on the back, handed him a cigar, and declared him to be the first of a new breed of man, a "nearly perfect human being."
At that point, Goggins was teamed with a variety of costumed superheros to combat local infestations of bovines, which frequently entered the homes of people living in the Washingtonian suburbs and gave birth to hybridized cattle with a taste for human blood.  The calves of these genetic mutants were born with their skeletal system on their exterior, allowing them the ability to easily cut their victims and drain them of their blood.  After working side by side with both Spider-Man and the Flash to combat this plague of mutant ruminants, Goggins enlisted in the US military to aid the Anarcho-Communists in the Spanish Civil War, declaring that "fascists are fucking... fascist.  And if there's one thing David Goggins can't fucking stand, it's that sort of nonsense."  Thereafter, Goggins would only refer to himself in the third person, despite the loss of his side in the Spanish Civil War and the triumph of his nemeses.
After returning home in defeat following the Spanish Civil War, Goggins was distraught.  In a fit of rage at their lack of effort by his fellow Commies, Goggins wrote the following scathing rebuke of the Communist movement to the editor of the New York Times:
There are times in a man's life when he needs to stand up on his own two feet and fight- like when you're in the grocery store and some pushy bitch tries to jump the line because she's "pregnant".  Fuck that shit, she's just fucking fat.  And lazy.  Just like the Communists in Spain.  They sit around all day, drinking wine and eating baguettes and speaking some nonsense language, and they expected me to do all of the work just because I'm awesome.  Well, fuck that- I thought we were all equal.  Isn't that the shit they try to tell us?  So here I am, thinking that I was going to be surrounded by fellow super-soldiers, all bad and buff and shit, and instead it's pack of dirty Spaniards with sticky fingers and a penchant for buggery who had the audacity to fucking die when they got shot.  Lazy, just lazy.  As such, I hereby renounce my affiliation with those beret-wearing poofters, and vow to strike down any of those pinko fuckfaces if I ever see them again.
Love,
David "I'm fucking awesome and I love to jog" Goggins

Immediately upon posting that letter, Goggins enlisted in the United States Army, from which he was transferred to a newly formed, extra-governmental squat called the G.I. Joe Team.  Using the codename Roadblock, Goggins dispense hot metal justice to Communists and assholes alike, all while making pithy rhymed statements like "Play it straight, or there's no doubt, I'll turn your eyeballs inside out."  Alternating in major conflicts between his affiliation with the Joes and the Army, he fought as both Captain America and Roadblock, serving meritoriously in World War I (as Roadblock), World War II and the Korean War (as Captain America) and finally in the Vietnam War rather anonymously as Sgt. Lincoln Osiris.  Wounded horribly in the last conflict, Goggins volunteered to be frozen in a block of ice until such a time as science could heal his wounds, and his medically exceptional case of herpes, which is currently being studied by the CDC as the most comprehensive amalgamations of all herpes viruses ever collected by a single human being, which Goggins has since attributed to his time as a male prostitute and his brief affair with a 13 year old Vietnamese ladyboy in the 1970s.
Goggins in WW2.

After receiving treatment for his wounds and venereal disease in the late 1990s, Goggins fell out of the public eye as he reentered the seedy underworld of sex slavery, serving as a willing participant in a Southern BDSM-themed sex ring that catered to hillbillies and policemen.  After his owner was brutally cut down by a professional boxer wielding a samurai sword in what Goggins described as a "horrible misunderstanding" between his owner, a friend, the boxer, and a large black man with ties to organized crime, Goggins decided to start jogging.  
Goggins' slave owner's alleged murder.  He is still at large.

Prior to his adoption of jogging, or yogging, (it might have a soft "j") he apparently powerlifted, although no record of his exploits in strength sports is still extant, and has presumably been expunged by the CIA as part of an elaborate coverup with links to the JFK assassination.  A mere 45 minutes after lacing his sneakers, Goggins decided to enter a bunch of long distance races, which he ran back to back and incurred a variety of injuries one would expect to incur when running hundreds of miles with little preparation.  He then became famous for overcoming those injuries and gave money to some charities or something.

His training regimen:
He just runs... for an extended period of time.  It's supposed to be wild.
I could not possibly care less about jogging, if you hadn't noticed.  Thus, there's something about which I do care, and which will actually raise, rather than lower your test levels.

20 comments :

  1. Who is David Goggins again? I've never even heard of him.

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  2. It's been a while since I have laughed this hard.

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  3. Epic, labels: "the coolest person EVER" haha

    he must drink "Powerthirst"

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qRuNxHqwazs

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  4. "His training regimen: He just runs... for an extended period of time. It's supposed to be wild."

    really? like...one foot in front of the other? over and over and over again? That IS impressive!!

    Side note: I do respect and appreciate endurance athletes and ultra-distance runners for their dedication and effort to their chosen sport. But I don't fully understand; is the purpose to WIN the race, or simply to finish?

    I feel like ultra-marathons are quickly becoming over-saturated with attention, and will soon come to resemble traditional marathons with hundreds of people "racing" with no intention of winning but merely being satisfied with finishing at an average pace of less than 4 miles-per-hour...just above walking.

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  5. I never got the marathon thing either.
    They never really praise the winners.
    Are there winners?
    My friends come back every year ranting about how they finished the Broad Street run.
    My friend and I stare at them bewildered after they tell us they have no idea who won or what place they even received.
    Then we chug beers and try to forget our friends are pussies
    Running is only fun when it involves a game or something angry chasing you.

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  6. Hey Jamie, are you still planning on competing in a bodybuilding comp? Would be awesome to finally shut up the body part split aficionados. And glad anon posting has been disabled finally.

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  7. Happy new year and in the name of the squat, deadlift and press raise your test levels by getting laid tonight. See ya next year.

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  8. If you don't like running that's fine. You didn't have to mock my entire existence.


    Why can't Stevie Wonder read?


    Because he's black.

    - David Goggins

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  9. A Simpsons, Anchorman, AND Pulp Fiction reference? I like.

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  10. I want to see a blog entry on this badass motherfucker.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RGz5lLot4Q0

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  11. You wasted a lot of perfectly good training time writing this piece of shit article.

    Hey, WTF... nobody's 100%

    Happy New Year!

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  12. Jamie, for probably the first time ever you have burdened me with pop culture knowledge. But I forgive you. What do you think about John Brzenk, and armwrestling in general? I think Brzenk is a fucking beast. This thing is crazy:
    http://www.ironmind.com/ironmind/export/sites/default/ironmind/cobrajohn_lg.jpg

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  13. Next time, add Sarah Backman pics to make bad articles awesome!

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  14. Haha awesome. I fucking HATE joggers, since leaving the army i've vowed never to do any gay long distance running again. Glad to see shit is still going strong with the blog man. Any goals for the new year or still just crushing weights for fun?

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  15. Even a unearthly strong man is pathetic if he cant move on his feet, thus, running isnt gay. Doing nothing else is.

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  16. Sprinting is pretty cool but jogging is the bodybuilding of the running world thus making it pretty homoriffic.

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  17. Actually, he does still lift weights on a daily basis and hates the fuck out of running.

    He's just doing it to make a fuckton of money in what must be the most brainless way possible: running for hours.

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  18. You can never tell yourself that your goal is to "win" an endurance race. Whether it be marathoning, cycling, or ironmans. The playing fields are very broad and so many things can go wrong. The only thing you can really do is give it your all. Winning is just a product of leaving every last bit of your energy on the course (and trust me, you leave ALL of your energy).

    You can't bonk in soccer, weight lifting, or most sports, but you sure as hell can bonk in a 4 hour + race at while averaging 83-86% of your max heart rate.

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